more michigan suburban politicians with guns

Sexy Politician Stalking Her Opponent and Having Guys Throw Themselves At His Car

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Last time we heard from the “sexy politician,” as she is known in respectable newspapers, Macomb County Commissioner Carey Torrice was just being hot on the Internet. Now our girl is in trouble! She and her husband have been following her primary opponent around and even going through the dude’s garbage. Now there’s an investigation “following a mysterious accident in which an acquaintance and fellow private investigator appeared to hurl himself at an SUV driven by Jeffery Sprys,” her opponent. And then it was found they were carrying an unregistered handgun.

Meanwhile, Sprys is not super excited to be allegedly STALKED by a SUPER-SEXY HOT LADY. What is your problem, dude? It’s every guy’s fantasy to be stalked by a sexy politician. “I’m extremely concerned about the safety of my wife and my 2-month-old daughter,” he said. That’s not a very manly thing to say. Neither is this: “This is just an election. This is crazy.” Spoken like a true loser.

But what about this mysterious fire?

During a civil trial in December, a jury ruled the Torrices likely committed fraud in collecting $36,000 in an insurance claim involving a fire at a house they owned.

It’s not her fault! The house caught on fire because she’s TOO HOT. [Detroit Free Press]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • actor212

    If I was running in a primary against her, I’d totally let her top me.

    I mean, beat me.

    I mean, win the erect– ELEction.

  • harry palmer

    Hey, the $36 grand paid for her tits. At least she isn’t milking the taxpayers.

  • ArugulaTeleprompterz

    Her website is a horror show. It includes photo galleries of her cats, and pictures of her as an “official hottie” in “Hottiefest.” Presidnet Camacho would be proud.

  • Jim89048

    I’d stalk that.

  • JMP

    Well, of course this election is getting brutal, I mean the position of county commissioner comes with the power to do, um, something I’m sure; there’s gotta be some relevance to them anyway, it’s not like counties are arbitrary, meaningless relics.

    Oh, and thanks for linking to Jim’s old post with all the sexy cleavage and leg shots.

  • Jim89048

    [re=611065]JMP[/re]: Hey, Rory2010 is a county commisioner!

  • Terry

    I keep noticing that when the Wonkette guys label a female politician as hot that she’s got those crazy eyes. What is it with guys’ attraction to crazy women? The potential danger?

  • edgydrifter

    Dumb, blond, southern AND has a closet full of sexy cop/nurse/soldier outfits? You know there’s a “regrettable and very private” tape out there somewhere. Seek, people–it must be found!

  • edgydrifter

    Oh, wrong Macomb. OK, scratch “southern” from my list but the rest still applies.

  • freakishlystrong

    Isn’t being a hawt politician kind of an oxymoran?

  • harry palmer

    [re=611065]JMP[/re]: “the position of county commissioner comes with the power to do, um, something I’m sure”

    In Chicago, the job of Cook County commissioner (actually Chairman of the county board) was the source of all the older Mayor Daley’s power back in the day, because of the patronage and appointments etc. He had big tits too, but I think his were natural.

  • V572625694

    Oh, [re=611075]Terry[/re], you didn’t know this old (but true!) meme? It’s axiomatic that crazy ladies are the most awesome-est sexual partners.

  • harry palmer

    [re=611075]Terry[/re]: “What is it with guys’ attraction to crazy women?”

    Cause they fuck like they’re writhing live wires.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Someone direct me to the Macomb local paper’s website message board, I want to do some stupid trolling on behalf of crazy-eyes:


  • FormerDCite

    I think I saw this movie once, was it “Legally Blonde?” No maybe it was “Obsessed”, or maybe it was “Barely Legal 281”.

  • Neilist

    Jack, Jack, Jack.

    What KIND of “unregistered handguns.”

    We Wonkies want the DETAILS!!!!

    [I’ll have the rest of you Liberal Scum the trouble: The collective pronoun was used editorially; royally; or because I have a tapeworm.]

  • Extemporanus

    Oh no, does this mean that she’s no longer gonna be playing “Calleigh” on CSI: Miami?

    That Ray-Ban-fapping ginger motherfucker has some goddamn explaining to do! I fucking loved that chick!

  • Extemporanus

    [re=611120]Neilist[/re]: Here ya go, big boy — you tell us.


    I would love it if she always went around in the sexy policewoman outfit, with the fake gun and flashlight. To all the meetings and such. I never know what these county commissioners do. What do they do?

  • proudgrampa

    Blondes are definitely the nuttiest people on the planet.

  • Cant Buy a Thrill

    [re=611060]harry palmer[/re]: your comment is udderly ridiculous

  • Cant Buy a Thrill

    for my money Bella Abzug will always be the hottest politician

  • Wonderman

    Excuse me? Someone said there were tits here?

  • MarieDeGournay

    Man, her pimp needs to start keeping her in line.

  • comicbookguy

    I like that show Parks and Recreation

  • Crazybroad

    Michigan: once again making the rest of the corrupt, crazy, lazy, and drunken politicians elsewhere look like a bunch of amateurs. WEEPING EAGLE, WEEPING EAGLE!!

  • snideinplainsight

    Too much acai berry tea.

  • Cmoney

    Wonderman: On her website see “Fun stuff photo gallery”, and boob job.


    [re=611211]Cmoney[/re]: Her website is fun. She literally describes herself as “actress-private investigator” AT THE TOP OF HER WEBSITE. and “also a foot model.” I love the pic from the halloween costume contest where she won 2nd prize for her child-whore costume.

  • chascates

    Tonya Harding meets Michele Bachmann

  • Neilist


    The Bitch’s looks like a 1911A1 clone. If I had to say, I’d go for one of the Kimber series, maybe the Pro II.

    He’s using a SIG P229 — which I still think is an overpriced, overly complicated, and relatively underpower (in 9mm) piece, regardless of the fact that the Secret Service adopted it.

  • Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=611089]V572625694[/re]: Sexy, smart, sane…pick two.

  • natoslug

    [re=611259]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: She’s more scary than sexy (but then again, I prefer breasts that give gravity a fighting chance rather than the perfectly round silicone jello cups she sports). I think she missed the mark on all three.

  • Cmoney

    [re=611231]NYNYNY[/re]: “child-whore”! I might need me a private eye some day, who knows. Bookmarked!

  • XOhioan
  • WalkinwiththeKing

    She has a je ne sais quoi trailertrashwannabepornstar quality that makes a fella’s heart,well, just wanna melt.

  • Surfeit O’Hubris

    [re=611120]Neilist[/re]: Funny, MY tapeworm has never expressed the least interest in handguns.

    Not that I’m complaining, mind you.

  • GreenHalo

    [re=611240]Neilist[/re]: Yeah, and they both have their FUCKING fingers inside the FUCKING trigger guards. If they didn’t open fire two or three frames after this screen cap, they are pogues, they are dangerous idiots, and those two assholes should be beaten with extension cords until they learn to love the Lord.

    Oh, wait, it’s CSI: Cyberpunk P.D. They’re probably experimental laser guns, and the during the inquest, forensics guys will identify which lasers caused which wounds by shining a UV light on the perp’s corpse and doing a ballistics match on the weapons’ unique wavelength emissions as extrapolated from the characteristic intracellular trauma on various organelles. (Bronx cheer)

  • martiani

    Foot modeling rockets her into a whole new realm…foot fetishists, in my experience, are special-level creepy. Elevating this device essential to ambulation, and which is also REALLY FUCKING UGLY ON MOST PEOPLE, to a crucial height in one’s mind, is alaming.

  • Tundra Grifter

    [re=611062]ArugulaTeleprompterz[/re]: Personally, it was the “Little Bo Peep” photo that got me – chubby pins and all…

  • thefrontpage

    What a bunch of idiots!

  • WalkinwiththeKing

    [re=612248]thefrontpage[/re]: Idiots yes. I just hope we are uesful.