The reputable media have failed to confirm that Levi and Bristol are back to baby-making, which is why we need to turn to the “journalists of the future,” i.e., unemployed bloggers with an axe to grind — unemployed bloggers like LEVI JOHNSTON’S SISTER MERCEDE, HMM? Mercede “Not A Typo” Johnston took to her internet publishing platform, mercedejohnston.com, your #1 source for Mercede Johnston news, to set the record straight on some ugly rumors that have been going around about her, and in the process inadvertently revealed that (a) yes, Bristol and Levi are probably romantically re-linked, and (b) Bristol has a Facebook page under a fake name
You will be denying yourself the greatest pleasure you could possibly have on a Friday if you do not immediately go over to Mercede’s blog and read this long, self-justifying post. But, if you want only the “high points,” here the are:
- Mercede totally did not drive over to Bristol’s condo to take pictures of Levi’s truck outside, you guys. “First off I don’t even know where she lives, nor do I care. Believe me I would not waste my gas, and time, just to drive all the way into Anchorage to find her condo and take a picture.” So stop threatening her about it already!
- “I knew that she and Levi were hanging out, but I was so upset that I didn’t even want to think about it, let alone tell the whole world about it.”
- But Bristol won’t believe her, and posted a long mean thing on her Facebook page trash-talking her.
- Wait, Bristol has a Facebook page?
- Yes! “I will not be revealing her fake Facebook identity in order to protect her privacy, but this is from the ACTUAL Facebook page that she started under an assumed name.”
- Mercede may currently be unemployable — “for your information I started working at age fourteen and had a number of jobs before it became impossible for me to find employment” — but Bristol really crossed the line when she claimed that Mercede was on food stamps. “I am also NOT on food stamps! And that was an unnecessarily ugly thing to say.”
Anyway, just read it, and put it in your RSS reader permanently, make her lots of advertising money from the “How to beat debt collectors” Google ads all over her website, etc. You will note that, while Mercede is not exactly a great prose stylist, the post is significantly more coherent than the stuff Sarah Palin farts out on her Facebook. Also, Bristol’s assumed Facebook name is almost certainly “Shmistol Nalip” or some close variation, so go look for that ASAP. [Mercede Johnston]