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This is my first ever Blingee!  How'd I do?

The reputable media have failed to confirm that Levi and Bristol are back to baby-making, which is why we need to turn to the “journalists of the future,” i.e., unemployed bloggers with an axe to grind — unemployed bloggers like LEVI JOHNSTON’S SISTER MERCEDE, HMM? Mercede “Not A Typo” Johnston took to her internet publishing platform, mercedejohnston.com, your #1 source for Mercede Johnston news, to set the record straight on some ugly rumors that have been going around about her, and in the process inadvertently revealed that (a) yes, Bristol and Levi are probably romantically re-linked, and (b) Bristol has a Facebook page under a fake name

You will be denying yourself the greatest pleasure you could possibly have on a Friday if you do not immediately go over to Mercede’s blog and read this long, self-justifying post. But, if you want only the “high points,” here the are:

  • Mercede totally did not drive over to Bristol’s condo to take pictures of Levi’s truck outside, you guys. “First off I don’t even know where she lives, nor do I care. Believe me I would not waste my gas, and time, just to drive all the way into Anchorage to find her condo and take a picture.” So stop threatening her about it already!
  • “I knew that she and Levi were hanging out, but I was so upset that I didn’t even want to think about it, let alone tell the whole world about it.”
  • But Bristol won’t believe her, and posted a long mean thing on her Facebook page trash-talking her.
  • Wait, Bristol has a Facebook page?
  • Yes! “I will not be revealing her fake Facebook identity in order to protect her privacy, but this is from the ACTUAL Facebook page that she started under an assumed name.”
  • Mercede may currently be unemployable — “for your information I started working at age fourteen and had a number of jobs before it became impossible for me to find employment” — but Bristol really crossed the line when she claimed that Mercede was on food stamps. “I am also NOT on food stamps! And that was an unnecessarily ugly thing to say.”

Anyway, just read it, and put it in your RSS reader permanently, make her lots of advertising money from the “How to beat debt collectors” Google ads all over her website, etc. You will note that, while Mercede is not exactly a great prose stylist, the post is significantly more coherent than the stuff Sarah Palin farts out on her Facebook. Also, Bristol’s assumed Facebook name is almost certainly “Shmistol Nalip” or some close variation, so go look for that ASAP. [Mercede Johnston]

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104 COMMENTS

  1. Ooh, trampstamp wars. It’s a good thing Mercede didn’t go to Bristol’s apartment, or they’d end up throwing Bud Lite Lime bottles at each others’ heads.

  2. I know this is sorta OT, but I happened to catch Kathy Griffin’s show last night where she went to Wasilla and met up with Levi. I honestly was really impressed with him in the sense that he really got in on the joke of it all and played right along. Considering the rest of that self-involved, humorless cabal he’s a wiener!

  3. Accusing Mercede of being on those socialist food stamp things? Oh, Bristol, how could you?

    Next just say she’s forced to wear her silk negligee on the internet instead of a fashionable “ZONA” hoodie (purchased by the Republican Party Party Department, no doubt).

  4. Or she could be using an anagram, if she even knows what that means. Among the 11,742 anagrams of “Bristol Palin” there are: No Tribal Lips, Top Brain Ills, Bias Nip Troll, and Ball Snip Riot.

  5. Oh for fuck’s sake. By the time I got to the freedom of speech bit, I was literally trying to gnaw my own leg off. Are we truly surrounded by this many idiots?

  6. 6 out of 10 on the Blingee.

    Review.

    Not much action going on here, except the suggested lesbian thing, with Justin Beiber peepin in the background. Low on the boner scale for most Blingees. However, not much to work with either, and so a minimalist approach was reasonable.

    Next time, use more Bling.

  7. So..Bristol is bitching about a breach in her privacy? And she drives around with “Tripp” on her license plate?

    In what sense Charlie?

  8. Is it pronounced Muhr-SAYED or Mer-SAY-De?

    [re=610940]freakishlystrong[/re]: “Happened to catch…” hahahaha…fess up: you never miss it.

  9. Haha! You left out my favorite part: “And WHO said that I don’t have a hobby?

    I have a number of hobbies, such as golf, running, scrapbooking, photography, and many others.”

    How dare Bristol “Abstinence Forever” Palin accuse Mercede of not having a hobby.

    What happens if Bristol gets preggers again? Will she have to return the $15,000-$30,000 per speech the fundies paid her to preach abstinence until marriage?

  10. If Miss Fancy-Pants-Luxury-Car-Name can afford her own domain name (“Only 99 cents at GoDaddy if you show your boobs!”) she better NOT be on food stamps! That would bring shame upon all the respectable tax-paying, meth-dealing businesspeople of Wasilla.

  11. I am just guessing that her page contains a posting objecting to the tanning salon tax.

    And are these young women going to the same party? Maybe it is sleazy satin and frumpy sweatshirt night at the local bar.

  12. I’m just glad William Seward isn’t alive to see this. He’d probably trade Alaska back to the Russians for a bottle of homemade vodka and a daguerreotype of the tsar’s daughters.

  13. Based on my extensive research (looking at the picture), Bristol can’t hold a candle to Mercede on the tramp front. She looks downright nerdy! Maybe she has even read a whole book, or, whatever, wrote “Going Rogue” because mama grizzly was too busy not being governor.

  14. [re=610964]V572625694[/re]: It is hard to follow in the various instances of direct and indirect speech in her blog post, but I believe at one point she quotes someone on Bristol’s Facebook page referring back to her (Mercede) as “Sadie,” so I assume it’s pronounced like the car, but without the “S”.

  15. [re=610943]memzilla[/re]: Among the 11,742 anagrams of “Bristol Palin” … Ball Snip Riot.

    So, the Palins had planned a Ball Snip Riot for Levi, so he got out of the Palin klan while he could with balls intact?

  16. It was a long shot, but I searched for people in the Wasilla High network in Anchorage. There were many Tylers and Dustins and one “Brandolynn.” Horrifying.

  17. these people.  it’s a fucking white trash camelot, but without the wealth and influence.  i guess mercede  trafficking of illegal substances, backstabbing, secret/alleged pregnancies, weird accents, power struggles, sibling rivalries, etc.  the main difference is that EVERYONE in the palin sphere seems to have underwent a botched lobotomy.

  18. Mercede should definitely go into academia for her career, as she most assuredly has that “the arguments are so intense only because the stakes are so low” thing down pat.

  19. Regardless of whether Mercede is receiving foodstamps (who in Alaska isn’t?), at least she didn’t live next door to a house full of “recovering” drug addicts.

  20. This is why Facebook is evil. It knows about Web pages you visit, and reports them to the world.

    [re=610980]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: Thanks, Josh, for the scholarly close reading and thoughtful exegesis of this fine text. By the way, have you read Orwell’s great essay, “Lear, Tolstoy and the Fool”? It’s something like your work here, only with fewer boobs.

  21. [re=610990]PerhapsSo[/re]: From everal previous stories dealing with Alaska, I’ve gotten the impression that everyone there gives their kids incredibly stupid names, not just the Palins. Maybe it’s a law or something.

    [re=611002]An Outhouse[/re]: She’s got no need for foodstamps in the state that pays all its residents from its oil money just to live there. And yet, Sarah still decries welfare for the rest of us.

  22. These gals act like they’re still in high school — in the near future, socialists may find heavy Facebook use delays adulthood.

    (When I went to my 5-year high school reunion, I was struck by the fact that the kids who’d stayed in town, even if they had gone to the local college, were still the same as they were in the 12th grade — in same cliques, mad at the same people, and they stood off in a corner in their gossip circle with their arms crossed, just like they did in the hallway outside the lunch room. The people who had left town, even if they hadn’t gone to college, had grown up and moved on.)

  23. I loved that film “The Grifters,” but in retrospect the characters seem totally classy compared to Bristol/Mercede et al.

  24. Probably wouldn’t be to difficult to find Bristol’s facebook page, if one was so inclined. How many girls named April from Alaska have Facebook pages. You could rule out anyone with a good education or a job. Then just look on her friends list.

  25. I have been a lot of places, and I have seen a lot of things, but only now, thanks to a few minutes spent attempting to decipher her auto-idolatry, do I truly understand what “slumming” feels like.

  26. Back in the day, my heyday, as it were, my single days, I was never what you would call the lion on the prowl, no, I was more of a hyena, and I was only able to prey succesfully on the weakest members of the herd, the slow, the misshapen, the clueless, the desperate (and sometimes, the hot-but-really-drunk, but those were special occasions). Looking at this photo brings those days right back, instinctively, I would hit on the goofy-faced Johnston chick. Unless Bristol were throwing up, if Bristol were throwing up, I would do my patented “hold her hair” move, and try to take advantage of that situation.

  27. Did anyone check the obvious?

    Bristol Johnston? As in the kind of puerile claptrap she’s been doodling in the margins of her notebook in stenography class?

    I would, but FB is blocked by Websense where I work.

  28. [re=611059]Formerly Preferred[/re]: Indeed, my avatar does not share my gender. My avatar is actually the only female member of the cast of Up The Creek who does not bare her breasts during the movie. I hold her in high regard. She closely resembles a hot, drunk chick I got very lucky with, once long ago, and oh so far away.

  29. I hate you. I just spent like an hour reading Mercede’s poorly-spelled posts.

    Oh, and the reason it is “impossible” for her to work is because she has to drive her meth-head mom around, for pissing in cups:

    [quote]Will I be able to attend college while taking care of my mother during the time she is on Ankle monitor?

    My mom has a very strict schedule, and she is also not allowed to drive. So it is left up to me to drive her to all of her appointments, parole officer meetings, random urine analysis, doctors visits, etc., etc., etc. Therefore, at this time it is very hard to plan ahead, or think too far into the future. Sometimes taking care of mom seems like a full time job, but you know, I love her.

    I have also attempted to get a job, but it is impossible to find a potential employer who is willing to allow me to work around Mom’s schedule. So for right now I am going to continue my education online. I am pretty determined, and have decided pursue a degree in Forensic Science.
    [/quote]

  30. [re=611071]taylormattd[/re]:
    “So for right now I am going to continue my education online. I am pretty determined, and have decided pursue a degree in Forensic Science.”

    This will allow her to gather evidence to help exonerate her family and friends as each is brought up on various charges.

  31. So many things disturb my patriotic tranquility on the eve of our nation’s drunk-drivin-an-splodin-stuff weekend: Mercede’s lack of an “s;” Johnston’s extra “t;” Levi’s lack of full frontal nudity; BP’s failure to cap the Deepwater Horizon spill; the fact that Mercede chose to post a picture of herself wearing the Confederate debutant interpretation the Palin updo and ghetto-drag-queen version of dlisted’s slut dress, while Bristol looks ready for a quiet evening with the bong and some maxi pads (I’d unfriend the bitch, too, just for that); our almost-vice-president’s inability to spell “What do you know?” correctly on her facebook page; or that I am following a hormonal teen-girl catfight when I could be doing something useful, like drunk driving.

    *sigh*

    Do we really have to wait until December 2012 to end all this? Humanity has descended in two short years from the banality of evil to the banality of banal banality, and I’m not sure I can face what’s next. Not without much harder drugs.

  32. How can you be on food stamps, but still buy designer purses and wear designer jeans? Do you think you’ll go far in life by making fast money solely on untrue, completely illegitimate accusations? .. Like I said you’re seeking attention, and you don’t have enough friends, or a job, or even a hobby, occupying your time. I know you’re life must be depressing hun, but that’s why there antidepressants.

    Classic Rovian Republicanism: describe your worst traits, but ascribe them to your rival.

    Looks like Bristol might have a brighter future in politics than even her mother.

    (I used to feel a little sorry for Bristol — & her siblings — for having the parents they do. Now, I say, fuck ’em. Fuck ’em all. These people make Eminem’s childhood & present-day look downright stable & normative.)

  33. From Bristol to her frenemy: “You hold no title, and you have no class.” Man, that’s rich. What’s Bristol’s title, Duchess of the Wasilla Ice Holes?

    She’s quite her mother’s daugher–full of spite and petty bitchery. Also.

  34. [re=611045]Prommie[/re]: “the slow, the misshapen, the clueless, the desperate . . . .”

    Look, Prommie, whatever your gender really is: I never had sex with you.

    That I remember, I mean.

  35. [re=611100]Long Form Def Certificate[/re]: The fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree. I can only imagine that behind closed doors, the Palin brood witness on a nightly basis, Bible Spice ranting some paranoid diatribe with a Marlboro hanging off her lip and full glass of cheap vodka in her hand.
    I’ve yet to read anything from either Bible Spice or Bristol that dissuades me from that opinion.

  36. [re=611012]Formerly Preferred[/re]: In fact, there would be twice the number of comments here if they hadn’t hid the pierced belly button. I have already proactively lost a week’s worth of sleep over the actual picture. I suspect that one day when I am old I will awake in a filthy room smelling of alcohol with someone in a dress like that standing over me saying that its time for me to leave.

  37. [re=611069]Prommie[/re]: So, your avatar does not share your gender.

    I just assumed that it did. And, given the nature of some of your messages, I figured you were just a free-wheeling horny lesbian who did not give a fuck what anyone thought. It was so much more fun when you were a lesbian acting like a man in heat.

  38. [re=611071]taylormattd[/re]: I can’t wait for Mercede to get her degree in Forensic Science. Then someone can finally tell us who Trig’s real mother is.

  39. This is just normal liberal media stuff. Why do you think no one has taken up Andrew Breitbart’s offer of $100K for proof that Bristol ever had sex. Or his offer of $20 for Levi to give him a blow job?

  40. bristol should not use the word illegitimate , as if she was against it . bristol has the same basics trait as her mother , a fraud’s arrogance with the inevitable lack of class . one a brighter note , i’m still hoping that levi will go gay for pay .

  41. [re=610971]Terry[/re]: why the fuck didn’t his mom name him after a big name brand other than levi ? what about jockey ? or speedo ? and nickname him “underpants”

  42. I has the sads. In part because I actually went to the blog and also because I read this tidbit:

    “Did I ever see books in the Palin home? No I did not. But then again I was not really paying attention.”

  43. Re: names. Ease up on Levi, eh? My grandad was named Levi, as was mfing Levi Strauss, who invented the goddam bluejeans. Admittedly, it’s an old testament name, but it’s not the short form of a clothing product.

    And Mercedes was, originally, a little Austrian girl’s nickname. The cars were named after the girl, honest. “Mercede”, on the other hand ….

  44. Nerdy Mctroll here. In classical Latin, Mercede roughly means a gift or reward. The spelling is correct. This has influenced words like “merced” and “mercede” in Latinate languages such as French and Spanish. “Mercedes” is a Spanish name. We don’t mock “Ronald” simply because there are “Renaldos” in the world. Any Latin dictionary, or even an English dictionary with etymology blurbs would confirm this.

  45. Bristol fucks for fun when she’s not busy…

    being a virgin.

    and her hobby is “playing with abstinence cream”

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