BUFFALO VS. WASHINGTONIf you’re like most Americans, you’ve probably always wanted to get a fraud degree online from the University of Phoenix, but are concerned about that institution’s well-known Marxist ideology and don’t want to be brainwashed while trying to get your HVAC Repair certificate. Well, your day is just about to be made, because now you can get a degree online (i.e., download nine bullshit lectures from scam artists and wackadoodles) from Beck University, an actual accredited college founded by Glenn Beck! (Note for legal purposes: Beck University is not an accredited college.)

Despite the refusal of the lamestream higher education racket to acknowledge its awesomeness, Beck University is an august body of higher learning; you can tell because of its extremely official looking logo that we’ve reproduced above, which is a real thing and not a Photoshop job (except in the sense that some poor design intern at Beck Enterprises LLC was forced to cobble it together using a pirated copy of Photoshop). While you would need to trudge to classes for four years to get a so-called “bachelor’s degree” from Yale or whatever, you can earn your Doctorate of Beckology this summer, by taking classes called “Faith,” “Hope,” and “Charity,” taught by a fraudy group of Beck’s friends.

Yale would also expect you to pay “tuition,” but Beck University is absolutely free to anyone who is already a member of Beck’s Insider Extreme program, which you have to pay for. We are not sure what the Insider Extreme program is all about, but we assume it involves being an insider … to the extreme.

The important question about Beck University is: has it single-handedly saved our country? Let’s see what Facebook Connect users think!

No son of mine is gettin' history from no SCHOOL

Yes, Glenn Beck and his university have single-handedly saved our country. Well, almost. []

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  1. Whoever the wonketteers are who infiltrated Beck’s facebook page and posted those comments above should get 10,000 whore-diamonds, blingees, trucknutz, and iPods!

  2. It’s not easy! I’ve had to repeat Blackboard Diagramming twice and my Crying Skills course takes a lot of work. Don’t expect to be a Real American Patriot overnight.

  3. Can’t wait for the advanced degrees in Douchebaggery, BackStabbery, Mockery, Gawkery, Mendacity, Mule-Whipping, Buillshitting, Jaggofery and Mopery to be offered. Finally, proof positive that morons can read AND write, just like regular people!

  4. Given Ann Battistone’s ringing endorsement, I’m assuming the admission requirements are having a pulse and sporting a defective frontal lobe. Also, safe bet that Remedial English isn’t a graduation requirement.

  5. Beck U
    1st Year
    Econ 101: Goldline
    Pol Sci 103: What the REAL AMERICAN Constitution Says according to Beck
    Maths 100: 2+2 = 7 ALWAYS
    Biology 104: Cheetos are good

    2nd Year
    Econ 202: Laffer Curve Laffer Curve Laffer Curve
    Maths 100: Again 2 + 2 = 7
    Pol Sci 245: Why Sarah Palin is the greatest Preznit not elected
    Psy 200: Not insane. Just differently thinking
    Biology 203: First Aid

    Don’t need no stinking 3rd or 4th years unlike “real” schools!!

    Oh yeah, Liberty, DeVry and ITT can finally point to Beck U and laugh.

  6. I love the symbolism of a bull gouging a bust of what looks like an enlightenment figure (Rousseau, Jefferson – you know, one of those soft cocks) after having it’s penis tickled by a feather. The symbolism is so apt it makes me weep. So I should get a diploma now right?

  7. We are not sure what the Insider Extreme program is all about, but we assume it involves being an insider … to the extreme.

    I believe that it grants bearers access to the duodenum of Beck, via the rectum.

  8. So, will Professor Beck be addressing the question about whether he raped and murdered a female student back in 1990?

  9. On the one hand, the stupid fucks who fall for this fleecing scam school will pollute more blogs and talk shows with their stupidity. On the other hand the stupid fucks who fall for this fleecing scam school won’t be sitting next to thinking students in real colleges.

    I think it’s worth it. The dumb fucks will spout off their bullshit on blogs and talks shows anyway.

  10. I hear that diplomas from this noble institution will be printed on a real-life, tear-stained crying towel that Glenn used on one of his shows. Oh, the rapture, the smell, the make-up residue of it all!!! Of course, there will be a hefty charge to buy one of those sacred shrouds. After all, it’s just one more requirement to participate in his immense and growing business empire of truth and liberty with god on top. Well, maybe Glenn’s on top and god is his trusty assistant.

  11. [re=610716]BigDupa[/re]: No No Don’t be sad! Beck is doing us all a great service by sucking the monies out of violent fools who would otherwise us it to buy ammunition.

  12. Registration consists of snaking one of those internet tubes up your nose and having your brains sucked out. It hurts a little bit and you’ll probably cry but that’s also the first lesson. Next is eating. Lots of eating.

  13. [re=610732]dasNeonlicht[/re]: Wait a minute – what’s this FOREIGN gibberish on Glenn’s logo??? REAL Amerikans speak *Amerikan*! What the…?!

  14. [re=610706]4tehlulz[/re]: thats when the northern tories/jews and the local blacks attempted a violent take-over bid to steal everything from the purest and holiest (whitest) teabaggers , while the catholics sat around giggling .

  15. This raises the level of discourse in this nation and is a good thing.

    For example, when you cut off another driver, and he shouts “Where’d you get your driver’s license?” you can politely reply “BECK U!”.

    Perhaps a salute of some kind or other might be in order. Maybe raising one finger to show the school is NUMBER ONE!

  16. Btw, if you’re logged into Facebook, it’ll let you post comments. I asked about when they’re going to tell us about the Chemtrails.

  17. With apologies to Randy Newman regarding Professor Charity:

    ♫♫ And colleges men from LSU
    Went in dumb. Come out dumb too
    Hustlin’ ’round Atlanta in their alligator shoes ♫♫

  18. Will Beck U accept a transcript from Truck Nutz U? If so will someone inform Skoal Rebel. Wow, two Degrees from two prestigious U’s. He is now qualified to be hired by NASA.

  19. “you don’t preach or push your agenda–you give us your views…”

    Holy shit, does the English language totally fucking confound you, or were you simply not thinking whilst your fingers were making that soothing clackety-clack sound? I ask merely for information.

  20. [re=610811]Oldskool[/re]: I think the odds of Beck U. offering a course in Mexican are pretty remote.

    I too admire Señor Chang, however, and consider his brother Rabbi Chang to be my spiritual adviser.

  21. The coat of arms features Thomas Jefferson and a buffalo. Where have I seen those things before? Oh, I know. On a nickel. Soooo…..

    Beck uses a nickel in his emblem. There are twenty nickels to a dollar. James Garfield was the 20th U.S. President. Barak Obama is a U.S. President. Obama is HITLER!

    (I think I just earned my B.S. from B.U.)

  22. In honor of Beck’s ability to twist historical symbolism, the commencement line at Beck U will be known as the Trail of Tears.

  23. What’s next with this nut, probably establish a “Hitler Youth” type movement. I could see some sort of camp franchise where demented parents could send there kids to be properly taught (brainwashed) that up is down, and down is up. If Glenn Beck actually believes the wordspooge coming out of his mouth, he is certifiably insane.

  24. Don’t teach much about history
    Don’t teach much about biology
    Don’t even need to have a science book
    Don’t allow any French you took

    What a wonderful school this will be

  25. I can hang this diploma next to the one I earned at the Minneapolis Institute of Art and Gynocology. My life was changed when I found that matchbook.

  26. Also interesting, a degree from Beck University cancels out your accredited degree and your high school diploma, leaving you with the mind of a 12-year old (at best).

  27. [re=610840]Luke Warm[/re]: More like a case study compilation.

    “Your a doing such a service for your country…” I don’t know whether to laugh or cry or go to that page and post “JEEZUS PEOPLE DID YOU GO TO THIRD GRADE OR NOT?”

  28. Why in Gods namesake is George Washington attempting to tickle the ballsack of the endangered Buffalo? Haven’t these Wild Bill Hiccup slaughtered former beasts of the Great Plains laughed enough while being eliminated from the planet Earth? Hahaha..just cannonballed another 76,ooo before I ate lunch.

  29. The Nazi’s offered online degrees in their alternative history for their Insider Extremist members too. Just sayin’.

  30. I can’t wait for the first graduating class to throw their mortarboards up in the air and run back inside to hit the blogs. Wonkette, can you hire one to post things here? It would be ever so much fun!

  31. Okay so I went to the University site and wanted to look around. But I was so intrigued by one of his side businesses I never got the chance. “Food Insurance” will get you a variety of meals to keep at home “just in case”. I checked out the biggest package which is 3,792 meals/snacks and, according to their calculations will feed my family of 4 for 67 days. All that delicious pre-packaged food (with lengthy shelf life) for a mere $9,599.9 dollars. For two months worth of food. Holy fuck WHY DID I GO TO COLLEGE? I need to come up with some sort of insurance plan to sell to morons. Got it! tp insurance. Send me just $99.99 and I will send you a months worth of toilet paper. The good kind, too! So when the revolution starts and nobody can go anywhere because of Godknowswhy your ass will be thoroughly and patriotically dingleberry free!!!! GENIUS.

  32. Note the name of one of the “professors:” James R. Stoner, Jr.

    Evidently, not only will this be the smartest and bestest totally not elite ivory tower academic institution ever, it will also gain important underground cachet among the cool kids of the conservative movement (?) as THE party school.

  33. Wow!you must all be Obama Scholars..Or brainwashed.
    Sorry couldnt take the BS any longer. I’m sure most
    of you would be happier living in..oh say China,or
    North Korea maybe. Oh I know! how about Iran or Afganistan.
    I even heard they dont like the mean ol capitalist in those Countries.
    Also you’d be safe from all the Conservative, Redneck,
    Racist..(ok I know I’m leaving out a whole lot)
    TeaBaggers here in the good ole USA.
    God I love America!! Please, Love it or LEAVE IT!

  34. Hey kids, a hint: when you endeavor to mock the intellectual inferiority of others, you should take care to demonstrate your own mental prowess. The commentary thus far is written at a seventh grade reading level and is otherwise of laughably poor quality. Furthermore, much of it is just clanking with idiocy, logical fallacy, and just plain bad grammar. We don’t want any of you examples of intellectual brilliance to look stupid, now do we?

  35. the trolls at wonkette ( and why do they bother ? ) are bloviating ( that’s cow farting ) and getting all patronizing and projectionizing . can they not wait ’til their glennplomas arrive ? why can’t they just take a couple of spins on the dildo til the mail comes ?

  36. The true measure of any fine University is in the strength of their athletic department. Glenn Beck is Mormon, right? Roll Tithe! Does this mean that they are going to have to vote for like, 10 homecoming Queens? I hear that the homecoming game will be against “The Fighting Opticians” What a bunch of silk-angora sweater wearing debutantes they are compared to Beck’s “Mighty Weeping Willows” I can’t think of a finer athletic supporter than Mr Glenn Beck himself. I smell a sports dynasty here.

  37. [re=611485]rmjag[/re]: I do suppose it’s a show of their bravery, their patriotic duty, to criticize the free speech of others on this most hallowed of beer drinking NASCAR watching holidays. Because they chose a post that is way down the page and largely finished really speaks to the size of their cajones. Pussies. Go fap to your Palin pin ups.

  38. [re=611492]ImBarb[/re]: those last two sentences , the words that go together are glenn , beck , smells , athletic supporters . got it . and lindsey , graham thrown in for good measure …………..

  39. [re=611493]irisheyesagain[/re]: in all fairness , it was a particular troll – a glenn beck mini-me , affecting an education that’s unearned , an intelligence it doesn’t have , and an arrogance that says it all ….

  40. also , the truth is that the world has gotten it wrong . its not glenn beck “college” , its glenn beck “collage” . a collage of glenn beck . an expensive gift for cheap minds ……..

  41. [re=611446]LostinAmerica[/re]: [re=611472]Obama’s Left Testicle[/re]:

    U iz speakin’ teh truthz. We stupids shud lurn r hiztry from uh skolar an paytreeot lyke Glenn Beck. Very too many of us Wonketeers wish we had deegrees like Glenn, butz we only haz degrees in the biologies, and Anghlish, and hiztories, and enguhneering, and chemistry (drugs & ordinance wackos), and phizzicks, instead of a realz degree like Glenn has in, in, in…? Oh yeah, he don’t haz wun of those. He just took one college class and dropped-out before it wuz completes.

    BUT, BUT, but Glenn is a super patriot unlike so many uf uz Wonketteers who are just decorated combat vets and kin talk abouts gunz and IEDs and shit, and r not a red, white, and blues lika Glenn whoz a veteran of the whars in, in, oh yeah the tulip patch wars in Skagit County, Washington.

    As [re=610815]Prommie[/re]’s fav H.L. Mencken said, “no one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public.” ‘Splains Glenn Beck front-to-back.

  42. Dear Ouija, you are aptly named, since you apparently write via subconscious ideomotor activity. I didn’t read your drivel, but it appears to be written in ghetto patois. Perhaps that is what passes for witty repartee on this atrocious site, but back in the real world where I live, that is considered racist. And this is what you put forth to demonstrate your superiority to Beck? Could you possibly be more pathetic?

  43. My favorite post on this thread, by far, easily justifying permanent enshrinement in the Internet gallery of towering liberal intellects, is this, by Crazybroad:

    THIS is why the muslins hate us. Hell, this is why I hate us.

    I am so sorry to learn of your unresolved issues with bed clothes and such, sweet. Perhaps it might comfort you to learn that not everybody exhibits such self-loathing.

  44. So how do you get along with Barry’s right testicle? Do you talk to each other or what? Cuz frankly, between you and me? You are Right testicle material

  45. [re=611527]Obamas Left Testicle[/re]: Ghetto patois drivel? As subconscious would be clearly understood in the context “ideomoter activity,” it is your comments that are otiose.

  46. [re=611534]WalkinwiththeKing[/re]: Oh shit! Wonkette has testicular cancer! Ken, I know you’re in an emotionally fragile state right now, but you need to understand that as painful as it sounds, you have to cut the testicle off before the cancer spreads.

  47. [re=611537]weejee[/re]:

    Ghetto patois drivel?

    This is a fairly narrowly applied linguistic specification refering to the speech patterns of relatively inarticulate Haitians living in marginal neighborhoods.

    By contrast, the gap between standard American English and the crude dialect proto-language used by ‘faculty’ and ‘students’ at Beck University (and also found among certain genitalia with access to a keyboard) is most properly described as diglossia.

  48. [re=611534]WalkinwiththeKing[/re]: he sounds like an out-of-work shakespearian actor on a drinking binge , but not in a good way . he’ll be embarrassed when he sobers up ………..

  49. [re=611543]user-of-owls[/re]: I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am…not closing italic tags and with a one-way ticket to Palooka-ville.

  50. [re=611544]rmjag[/re]:
    Aww, no worries. Here at Wonkette we don’t kiss and tell.

    Kissin’s to good for the son of a bitch.

  51. [re=611542]user-of-owls[/re]: Perhaps a 28 oz framing hammer with a waffle head instead of a scalpel. Or maybe those small, almost braces size, rubber bands that are used with the beeves?

  52. [re=611547]user-of-owls[/re]: he is not a son of a bitch , he’s an established urinal with the highest of aristocratic pedigrees .

  53. [re=611530]Obamas Left Testicle[/re]: Glenn, why are you bothering to post here on Wonkette? As dean of the college, shouldn’t you be working out the fall schedule?

  54. [re=611551]weejee[/re]: i refuse to find out . but he might have his mother there . and her name isn’t marie , it’s lindsey . ( congress : graham , lindsey ). you could ask the washington redskins , they’re the ones that use it .

  55. [re=611559]weejee[/re]: ohmyfuckingchristinheaven!!! it’s her ! on their first grown-up date together ! explains everything ……

  56. [re=611560]rmjag[/re]: weejee , i shouldn’t say this , and i mean no disrespect to you , and wouldn’t wish this on you for anything but money , but the pissy troll w one testicle might have a blanche dubois mindset , and is trying to provoke you into “maytagging” his ass . that , on top of the booze , may have a soothing effect , but not for you .

  57. [re=611556]Katydid[/re]:
    They’re the Christian Tithe!

    You can call me Deacon Blues.

    Five minutes later and I am still laughing. Priceless, thanks!

  58. Oh this is rich–you drip with scorn for Beck’s low-brow intellectualism, I show up and string a couple of sentences together, and what do you do? *Mock me for being too highbrow*. Would you idiots please make your jealous, anti-intellectual rants consistent?

    Mr. rmjagoff – I got a nice, big, well-oiled firehose waiting for you right here, boss.

  59. [re=610730]DickRod[/re]: No, those are the sweet buds of the close botanical cousin of the hop plant in family [i]Cannabaceae[/i]

  60. who believes this person……………i think beck has disdain for his fans and sees them as fools to be swindle on every level

  61. [re=611594]Obamas Left Testicle[/re]: re: firehose . doubt it . doesn’t matter . and one is ‘mocking’ your efforts and affectations . i , of course , am lowbrow , yet still can recognize a man aping his bitchy mother or possibly , ayn rand ….

  62. [re=611594]Obamas Left Testicle[/re]: Perhaps you could enlighten us on what exactly qualifies as “low-brow intellectualism”? Maybe I have the wrong dictionary because every time I try to decipher that construction I inevitably wind up at the definition for “oxymoron.”

    Either that or “chicanery.”

  63. [re=611625]user-of-owls[/re]: lefttesticle’s last post was at 2:04 a.m. , just before he passed out . his mom will take it from here , after she ‘cleans him up’ ie diapers .

  64. [re=611594]Obamas Left Testicle[/re]:

    Best wishes for a Happy 4th. A lot of we silly Wonketteers humped rifles not so much for those we agree with, but for you dear troll. Just remember after you light your M80, that you throw the M80 and not the match.

  65. [re=611634]weejee[/re]: left testicle can be quite the dreamboat when he’s not drunk or detoxing . ask his mother/father , they’ve been a steady item for years .

  66. [re=611655]user-of-owls[/re]: well , since mother/father implies 1 person and 2 different functions , i would guess that ‘natural’ had nothing to do with it and could be seen as ‘odd’ , like dating one’s mother , father or both is ‘odd’ esp if mother and father are the same ‘person’

  67. [re=611661]PsycGirl[/re]: fuck the birf certificate , i want to see him born again , and i don’t mean in the spiritual sense . i mean the physical process , just him and his mother . and don’t give me the old “but but but she’s dead ” excuse . i want proof and i want to see him physically birfed . and then i still won’t choose to believe it cause proof is not the point . digging up his mother is . love to all and god bless me – t.bageurre

  68. Dear Ouija, thank you for your service to our country, although your use of M-80’s as an assault weapon makes me hope that you stay *far* away from my fighting position.

    rmjagoff, et al: “Your mother!” Really, is that the best you got? I just love liberals who select intimations of homosexuality as their first insult, mindless of the fact that doing so just *screams* repressed homosexuality. Conflicted sexuality causes much human misery. For your own sake and for those around you, you should come out. Better yet, why don’t you get your sexy ass over here and suck my dick, bitch.

  69. [re=611681]Obamas Left Testicle[/re]: only screams repressed homosexuality when homophobes and closet cases do it . but , ya know , *rubber-glue* , got it . so , how’s your mother/father doing ?

  70. “Rubber-glue” and childish punctuation to boot, all in a string of posts purporting to mock Glen Beck, of all people, for *stupidity*. Like your repressed homosexuality prevents you from perceiving how homophobic you look, your mental capacity is so poor that you can’t even see what an idiot you are.

    I advise you to confine your polemics to subjects that fall within your area of competence: Tonka trucks, playground epithets, and anal masturbation.

  71. [re=611874]Obamas Left Testicle[/re]: You don’t really understand satire, do you? A lot of rightwingers don’t. Maybe Beck could offer a course in that, but he’d need to reach way across the aisle for an instructor.

  72. [re=611901]PsycGirl[/re]: he’s a real nurse ratched , yes ? and oh yeah have i ever ‘looked’ homophobic on wonkette ? can you all really see me through the screen ?

  73. Anal masturbation? Ummmm…

    On another thread this dude referred to people talking about Palin’s tits as “amateur gynecologists.” This dude is just all confused.

  74. [re=611901]PsycGirl[/re]: and he is just pissed off that i rejected his plea to get my sexy ass over there and blow him . maybe i should go over and blow him , he would feel better . ( Do you know which state prison/nursing home he’s in ? )

  75. [re=611934]imissopus[/re]: of course he’s confused ( ie horrifying pathologies inside his head ) . it’s the prevailing theme re his posts . and weak , trying to project the burden of himself on our shoulders , just ’cause he can’t .

  76. remember back in the 1624 when the dutch went insane over tulip bulbs ? entire family fortunes were sunk into a few rare tulip bulbs . huge sections of the economy were diverted into these bulbs . it was a frenzy !!! then it burst ! people lost fortunes ! they woke up ! they had nothing ! except a few shitty bulbs ! glenn beck is like a shitty tulip bulb ! a lotta time and money invested in the marketing of him , his special gold purchases , his special veg seeds and tuition money at gbu . etc . then it all blows up . and he’s just another tulip bulb . and your degree at gbu is rendered worthless , except as a sad lesson in stupid .

  77. [re=611936]rmjag[/re]: I think he’s in a nursing home for the terminally clueless. He probably spends his shuffleboard hour looking up impressive words like “polemics”. Don’t waste a blowjob on someone who doesn’t appreciate it, honey. That rule has always worked for me! The tulip bulb analogy works even better for Sarah Palin btw.

  78. [re=611987]PsycGirl[/re]: ” Don’t waste a blowjob on someone who doesn’t appreciate it, honey.”…….. it wouldn’t be wasted if i used my teeth . and i would . and yes , sarah is another tulip bulb . and i’d take her to the nursing home and use her teeth .

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