Not even kidding.Here comes a very prestigious honor disguised as a cheap web poll: You will help choose the worst Kaplan College Test Daily News op-ed columnist of 2010 for Wonkette’s first annual Weeping Eagle Awards. What do these five wretched writers have in common, other than being embarrassing hacks who are always wrong about everything, even when they’re just spouting their banal opinions about nothing to fill space and bide time until retirement?

You only really hear the names of these terrible newsprint-bloggers if you answer phones at the Washington Post, and the name is always preceded by “Cancel my subscription because of _________.”

Polls close at 5 p.m. Wednesday, July 7 … just minutes before the Awards Ceremony/Catered Happy Hour at Solly’s U Street Tavern. So, let’s get to the voting! AMERICA IS COUNTING ON YOU.

[poll id=”6″]

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  1. [re=610127]Styrofoam Boots[/re]: We can’t afford trophies for ALL the terrible Washington Post op-ed writers! There are dozens of ’em!

  2. Damn–so hard to choose between the bland idiocy of Cohen and the monstrous illogic of Krauthammer. All in all, I figure Krauthammer has pissed me off more, even though Cohen is arguably the more incompetent wordsmith.

  3. Richard. Fucking. Cohen. No contest at all.

    Also, “Weagles”, I love it. I almost wish I could get myself down from Canadaland to attend. I will be refreshing feverishly.

  4. Michael “My Mom Still Cuts My Hair” Gerson didn’t even make the cut? I know he hasn’t written anything that’s made news, but he’s an idiotbomb just waiting to be discovered again.

  5. Krauthammer is awful, but it has taken him time to develop into that (long, long ago he was more a neoliberal and less awful). Thiessen is a repellent torture apologist whose knowledge of the wonderfulness of torture comes from being a speechwriter. He is loathsome, and no decent organization would have him.

  6. I immediately went for Cohen, then remembered what a fucktard Krauthammer is, but settled on Parker because she’s an up-and-coming fucktard. Came somebody more clever than me please figure out a way to scorn and ridicule the Pulitizers, because they’ve turned into a complete joke.

    Oh, wait. The Pulitizer Committee already does that every year. Although with giving one to Dowd and now Parker, I’m thinking it’s something about idiotic women that turns them on.

  7. [re=610131]DoktorZoom[/re]: It’s gotta be Krauthammer — while Cohen owns the pointless nostalgia category, Krauthammer puts his crazy squarely in the Big Picture arena, picking up the banner of retrograde stupidity that Novak dropped.

  8. [re=610131]DoktorZoom[/re]: I went with the sociopathic torture-apoligist lies of Mark Thiessen, being as this past year was notable for their prevalance and frequency. Giving it to the Kraut Hammer or to Dick-Cohen would make it more of a “lifetime achievement” award, in my book

  9. So, first I voted for David Brooks, for actually believing that the crap he puts on paper helps America, and then I voted for Kathleen Parker because…she’s Kathleen Parker…thus diluting my vote for David Brooks…meaning I had to vote for him again…thus diluting my vote for her…I think I’m in for a long afternoon…

  10. Gotta be Cohen. I’ll never forget his column in which he considered himself to be a metrosexual because he said he went to the gym.

  11. [re=610143]mumblyjoe[/re]: The Hammer of the Krauts loves him some torture too. And he provided a rational for Harriet’s withdrawal from consideration for the SCOTUS. Besides he had that terrible diving accident. Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.

  12. [re=610129]Ken Layne[/re]: BTW, U wuz scooped on the PC Civil War book by Wonkette. Go to the earlier Wasilla Public Library Chris Hitchens post.

  13. Peggles is WSJ.

    Personally the longevity and insidiousness mealy-mouthed, entitled, idiotic “plausibility” of Broder won him my vote, but maybe he’s so decayed it doesn’t matter anymore.

  14. [re=610142]SayItWithWookies[/re]: [re=610131]DoktorZoom[/re]: See, the Kraut Hammer is more bile-inducing. He goes straight for the reptile brain with his half-cooked neo-con nonsense, and is a vile, base creature. But he’s got an ethos, and he explains it pretty clearly, so while he offends my intellect he doesn’t so much baffle as disgust. Cohen, in contrast, doesn’t seem to have any clue what’s going on around him OR what he’s saying, so he disgusts, confuses, bewitches / bothers / bewilders and otherwise just makes me want to set both him and his column on fire.

  15. Weagles FTW! I love it. I can’t wait until some cheapshot neocon trots out his/her win of the award as an example of the “left wing media” hates…and he gets it all wrong.

  16. Can Bill Crystal get a Lifetime Achievement Award?

    for gods sake, the category is “wrong all the time”

    or does the statue have his name on it.

  17. Krauthammer, hands down. Homie’s been around for far too long to buy all the shit he spews. He HAS to know he’s full of it. Seriously.

  18. Cohen gets it because at least Krauthammer (an the unnominated Will and Krystal) don’t pretend to be anything but vindictive right-wing assholes. Cohen, though, calls himself a liberal even though his actual columns show him to be an angry neocon who mostly wants to kill and torture all the world’s Arabs and the kids to get off his lawn.

  19. Hmmmm… having trouble coming up with a Wonketty-cute way to say “Grind Krauthammer to tiny pieces and feed him to the coyotes.”

    Of course, that sentiment is merely symbolic. Like “Second Amendment Remedies.”

  20. Charles Krauthammer is an asshole, but at least he’s a proud neocon asshole. Cohen’s a bad writer and claims to be liberal or something, but isn’t….

  21. [re=610148]Snarkalicious[/re]: Ferchrissakes, Kathleen, you heard the guy: close your fucking legs, and open a goddamn window!

  22. I’m going with the Dean for creating a generation of pundits/columnists who put all of their experience and knowledge to use by widely spout conventional wisdom no matter how wrong it is and for worshiping the Goddess of Bipartisanship despite all evidence to the contrary that the Goddess was hung in effigy at a Tea Party rally.

  23. [re=610162]Mad Brahms[/re]: [re=610174]JMP[/re]: JMP is right, and even though I voted for Parker, I should have voted for Cohen, because you don’t get more liberal than Wonkette, and how would that asshole explain his Weagle? I would like to see his column in response, for laffs. We’d have to go to war, for even bigger laffs, and the release.

  24. [re=610129]Ken Layne[/re]: C’mon! How hard is it to steal some child’s old soccer trophies and wrap them in dirty underwear??? And I’m sure the Wonkette Petty Cash (Sara K.’s kid’s “college fund”) can cover postage.

  25. In the end I had to go with Cohen, because he’s the one who is so stupid he will most likely show up to collect his award.

  26. This one-internet, one-vote system is the vilest oppression of democratic freedom I have ever seen.

    I can’t choose just one! I can’t I can’t I can’t!

  27. [re=610183]Katydid[/re]: Can I change my vote? I went with Dick Cone impetuously, but after reading because she’s an up-and-coming fucktard I want to do that changey, hopey thing.

  28. [re=610139]qwerty42[/re]: Amen to that. Thiessen should be sent to a dark, dank hoel and have his skin slowly peeled. He’d be OK with that because it’s just torture.

  29. [re=610157]x111e7thst[/re]: Sure, but again, lifetime acchievement. Besides, I’m pretty sure Sauerkraut Mallet, as odious as he is, hasn’t floated the argument, “Hey, whatever. After we tortured them, the muzzies said they loved it! So clearly we were doing them a favor by beating and drowning them!”

  30. Whyyy must I choooooose…

    I suspect Krauthammer’s on his way out, so I’m voting for him over Cohen. Cohen will always be there next year. And what [re=610220]Dorje Chenpo[/re] said, also.

  31. Can we have a “Worst Up-and-Coming Writer” award? Please? PLEAAAAASE? It would probably be a two-horse race between The Douchehat and Parker, but hey, maybe through some Politco guys in there, for fun.

  32. Wow, George Will can’t even make the cut despite his consistent global warming denialism? I would have nominated him simply for those fucking bow ties alone.

    This is a tough one but I think I have to go with Thiessen simply for that smirk he’s always got on his face. You just know he was the class fat kid who got beaten up for his lunch money every day.

  33. [re=610209]JMP[/re]: Oh, I KNOW dear, but I still wanted to vote for her. I see the word “hack” and just want to push a radio button next to her nameeth.

  34. Broder’s stuff is utter, utter nonsense. But I have to go with Krauthammer. Because he’s always yapping about moar war, and despite a solid couple decades of being wrong, somehow gets thrown in the VERY SERIOUS category. Fuck that.

    I do think there should be a ‘David Broder Bipartisan Washington Consensus Lifetime Achievement Award.’ That guy has managed to have an Op/Ed column for a half century without actually putting forth any opinions. Remarkable.

  35. Jesus, there’s a ho ho whole lotta bad writers at that paper.

    They should each get an award for a different flavor of bad. Most Undeserved Pulitzer, Most Brain Addled, Queen of the Non-Sequitur, etc. Someone please make these funny.

  36. [re=610232]imissopus[/re]: You just know he was the class fat kid who got beaten up for his lunch money every day.

    Oh, come on. I’m sure after the 100th time or so he’d gotten beaten up for his lunch money, he started to thank his bullies for doing it. So there’s nothing wrong with it!

  37. Dang it’s hard to pick! They’re all so awful. I was going to go with Krauthammer cuz he’s such a mean monster, but I can’t hate a person who somehow has managed to use bile as blood. I’m going with Cohen. His whining is just intolerable.

  38. [re=610233]freakishlystrong[/re]: She, like the Cabbage Mallet, is old enough to qualify for a Lifetime Achievement Award. George Will, too, maybe.

  39. Everyone knows Krauthammer is psychotic, Broeder is old and Cohen is laughably terrible. Put Parker, we need to strangle this in the cradle. Particulary after her column calling Obama a feminine pussy. We already have a Maureen Dowd and we don’t need a conservative New York Jew-hating southern-fried version.

  40. [re=610129]Ken Layne[/re]: It’s all of them, Ken, or none of them. Find a guy with a band saw and just cut the damn trophy into Five Easy Pieces.

  41. kraut hammer’s a shoo-in. he’s been around way too long to spew the nonsense he spews and earn anything other than infamy. let the weagles soar!

  42. Gotta go with Krauthammer. Not that I pay him much attention, it’s that he’s butt-ugly and still manages to give off a hugely arrogant vibe. He was made to wear a 1930s granny dress and his hair in a bun glaring at people over knitting needles. Bitch.

  43. [re=610280]Bubberella[/re]: Herr KraaautHeimer is truly an evil fuktard and a throwback to some earlier evil epoch. But he’s not likely to be around long enough to get his wish and finally destroy the world. So I voted for Cohen.

  44. I don’t get why Dana “Bitch” Millbank isn’t on there. I may have enjoyed his writing when I was in Highschool…but that’s all that needs to be said.

  45. You left out that twat Michael Gerson, he really is a tool.

    Jesus this is a tough choice. Thank god my javascript widget will allow me to vote multiple times for all of them. Pointlessly.

    Cohen, though, got to be. He’s so bad its embarrassing. Krauthammer’s just “let’s invade some place, more”, and Broder is a stupid old fart, like an elderly relative. But Cohen’s mix of clownish rage and defensiveness puts him on a lower plane.

    Here’s the thing: Krauthammer wouldn’t give a fuck, but you just know Cohen would actually be hurt by this and go and kick a kitten in anger (but end up breaking his ankle instead because he’d kick a rock by mistake).

  46. Let’s face it, nobody reads Krauthammer, Parker, Cohen, and Broder. At least not willingly. Plus they’re really old.

    Mark Thiessen is fresh, new, and defends torture. He’s the one worth wasting your time dialing the Post to cancel. Plus several Wonkette commenters have confided to me that Thiessen has a really tiny penis.

  47. So many qualified nominees, but ultimately, I’ve got to go with Krauthammer. He’s evil, condescending, and unapologetic about being wrong about everything ever. Plus, he has the waxy, pallid complexion of the recently embalmed. Truly the total package.

  48. I feel like a kid in a candy store!

    So many wretched hacks and you have to pick one.

    Why did you list only 5? You could easily make a list of 20 worst columnists at the WP.

    You left out Gerson, Diehl, Hiatt, Kaplan, Hoagland, Samuelson…………I can go on and on.

    WP opinion pages now read like AIPAC newsletter. It is truly conintern.

    This paper can’t go out of business soon enough.

  49. I’m going to make a stand for my boy Broder here. First, let’s look at the other candidates

    Cohen: Senile and doing a Grandpa Simpson impression
    Thiessen: Pure evil but did most of his damage before being a columnist
    Parker: Occasionally shows signs of intelligence and likes to wear thigh high boots on TV. She can pull it off too
    Krauthammer: Sniveling evil incarnate who loves war and was a major voice for neo-con foreign policy. He’s a good contender.


    Krauthammer and Theissen wouldn’t have been able to get away with any of that because Broder and his ilk did absolutely nothing to stop them. Which is their jobs. Imagine the kerfuffle if in the middle of the run up to war, Broder had an impassioned column saying the war would be a huge mistake and everyone is lying to you. That not only might have switched conventional wisdom around but allowed one of his balls to reattach itself. Or, if he called torture what torture was and wrote another impassioned plea saying waterboarding is a stain on our country and all those who called for it should be thrown in jail, popular opinion might be swayed a bit. But he didn’t.

    So, by the fact he was derelict in his duties as a member of a press, a huge enabler in every awful thing to happen to us since Clinton was impeached, and for being an empty vessel of Beltway Convention Wisdom, he is the Wort Columnist At the Washington Post

  50. Lots of hate for Maureen Dowd here. I don’t put her in the same category as the evil hacks at the WP. She is basically a gossip columnist. A snarky Liz Smith. She belongs in the Style section, not oped.

    Dowd doesn’t have any ideas of her own or policy positions. She basically absorbs the conventional wisdom in DC and writes gossip columns about the personalities. She and Sally Quinn are the are DC’s own version of “ladies who lunch”, self absorbed vacuous socialites.

  51. In order to make an educated vote, I would have to read all these people. This is what I pay Wonkette to do. And when I say “pay” you know I mean metaphorically, or metaphysically, or you know, not really. But I think my point is still valid.

  52. Proud to be vote 420 for Krauthammer. Unspoken rule of never trusting someone whose nose looks like a deviated clitois.

  53. At 40% Krapphammer is opening up a commanding lead. Why was their no online wagering allowed for this event? I would have bet the house on him.

  54. My favorite Krauthammer story (Via TPM):

    About three years ago, I [M.J. Rosenberg] saw Krauthammer flip out in synagogue on Yom Kippur. The rabbi had offered some timid endorsement of peace — peace essentially on Israel’s terms — but peace anyway. Krauthammer went nuts. He actually started bellowing at the rabbi, from his wheel chair in the aisle. People tried to “shush” him. It was, after all, the holiest day of the year. But Krauthammer kept howling until the rabbi apologized. The man is as arrogant as he is thuggish. Who screams at the rabbi at services? For advocating peace?

  55. [re=610413]chascates[/re]: I remember that. It was the Yom Kippur immediately after 9/11. The rabbi wasn’t toeing the kill-’em-all-and-let-the-Judeo-Christian-god-sort-’em-out line being spewed nonstop by neocon hacks like Krauthammer, I guess.

  56. Clearly, Mark Thiessen’s current 3rd place standing is due only to lack of name recognition and not enough people reading him. Thiessen makes the Shithammer look sane by comparison.


  57. Cmon people, Richard Cohen is losing! Unjust! He is the worst writer in the history of the English language, how could he not be the worst columnist at the Post? Doesn’t anyone remember his ‘Israel is just trying to gentrify a bad neighborhood’? ‘These Persians lie like a rug’? Do not be divided by spoilers like Parker or Broder. Vote Cohen now!

  58. [re=610413]chascates[/re]: I know MJ and I know the synagogue. Didn’t I tell the story about how Krautie came into a room I was in at that synagogue and said to me ” this room is too cold”- meaning “fix it” and wheeled out. I was a visitor myself so I did nothing. In honor of his being an asshole to me personally, I voted for him

  59. Such a strong field. And it doesn’t even include Billy Kristol! It is impossible to imagine that WaPo management sucks so hard by accident.

    Hadda go with the Kraut man, though. Charlie’s not just gormless, he’s mean.

  60. [re=610461]slavojzizek[/re]: Dammit, Parker/Broder, the Alvin Greenes of this election, are taking precious votes away from Cohen. Fucking liberals.

  61. All bad. But only one I believe maintained, after say Sept. 15, 2008, the pretense that Palin was qualified. For that unflagging devotion to upholding GOPism, even if it means destroying America, Kraut deserves the win.

  62. Anyone NOT voting for Thiessen, please go read some of the horseshit this pustule on the ass of humanity has written just this year. He kicks puppies and eats babies. Only Dick Cheney is more evil than this shitstain.

    What can I say – I hate the guy.

  63. [re=610471]BeWoot[/re]: Right. Charlie Strangelove is horrible – but capable.

    Cohen is horrible and incapable. He even sucks at being evil.

    Vote Cohen early and often.

  64. [re=610317]RichardA[/re]: “Here’s the thing: Krauthammer wouldn’t give a fuck, but you just know Cohen would actually be hurt by this…”

    Oh, jeebus; I hadn’t considered this. Can I change my vote, please, Mr Layne?

  65. No WAI is Der Krauthammer in the lead. EVERYONE knows he’s zonko batpoopy crazy; giving the award to someone OBVIOUSLY functionally retarded means that Our Wonkette readers aren’t trying hard enough. No, this award MUST go to Dick “Deeply Disingenuous” Cohen. MUST. God. Get to it!

  66. Next you need the Teevee Nincompoop thing, so I can vote for Cokie “Dungheap” Roberts. Her sigh-decorated resigned chuckling at the somehow-worthwhile hopelessness of Washington As Usual just makes me want to eat her gigantic, never-blinking egg eyes with Hollandaise sauce.

    I voted for Krauthammer because he’s so fucking Nazi-looking. And because I’d always thought Brodeur was just a statue in the men’s washroom and I don’t know nor want to know about the other douchebags.

  67. [re=610587]Golfing OJ[/re]: Beh. I meant “Broder.” Too much hockey on my flatscreen this year. But now that I’ve read the comments after posting, which I always do, to my own detriment, I still have no interest in reading those other douchebags, and won’t. And fuck Maureen Dowd, for old glory, also, even if she’s NYT, like Friedman, who makes all the other twats look like Thommy Paine.

  68. If I can’t vote for Dana Milbank, I’m not voting! His “greek temple, greek temple, GREEK TEMPLE!!!!!1!” column that ran during the Demo Convo set the all-time standard for hackery. It’s got uncritical acceptance of Replican talking points, sneering, conventional wisdomism, failed “snark,” and self-satisfaction. On the other hand it was a precursor to his Masterfap Theater, or whatever, debacle, so there’s that. And I know, I know, Obama won and I should get over it but nobody takes the cake away from Dana Milbank. Nobody.

  69. It’s gotta be Parker, her soapbox staircase means she will squirt out more greasy junk just to catch up to the other turds.

  70. Krauthammer may have the greatest platform to inject his bilious neoconning into the policy game — as a regular bitch-slapper of Maura Liaison (sp?) on FOX — & Cohen is a legend in his own mind, but it has to be Parker. She’s won a Pulitzer — & after reading her “is Obama the first woman President?” calumny, ending with an implicit endorsement of Palin, I have to wonder how sticky the icky at the committee headquarters — so her special brand of nothing has been enshrined. Only fitting winner.

    Though I do feel bad for singling out the lady, when four gents off almost as equal a challenge to sanity.

    /not a misogynist… I think

  71. [re=610174]JMP[/re]: Cohen thinks himself a liberal because he considers his priorities more “humane” than those of his farther-right colleagues: he wants the damn kids off his lawn first; then he wants to kill/torture the Arabs.

    He is the worst.

  72. [re=610587]Golfing OJ[/re]: There would have to be a men’s and a women’s category so that Wolf Blitzer could win a prize, too. He likes prizes.

  73. George Will should have been in there. Actually, they’re all terrible–every single one of them. And Parker is terrible, no matter what anyone says. They’re all just horrible.

    A continuing mystery is why the Post–while firing good, talented people and firing good, talented copy writers and cutting back on hard-news coverage and closing bureaus and adding inane, stupid features and firing more people–continues to pay for this crap that no one reads, no one likes, and no one gives a damn about.

    Bring back real reporters, real editors, and real copy editors.

    Give us our newspaper back.

  74. PLEASE have a contest that includes the execrable Joe Klein and Jeffrey Goldberg and Doughy Pantload and damn, there are so many of them. . .

  75. Krauthammer, for one thing, because his eyes show a puss-pot of resentment, hatred, fear, and disappointment. I know we should have compassion, but he spews his shriveled soul’s excrement as golden wisdom in his columns, and thus, the old grizzled monster must be voted no. 1.

  76. Holy God.

    I knew there was a reason I don’t read WaPo. That looks more like a ballot for worst Op-Ed Writer ever.

    Can the prize for the winner be a Pink Slip? Please? How about for Honorable Mention and 3rd and 4th place too?

    Hell, can we give them all pink slips and declare the American body politic the winner?

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