sex bomb

Al Gore Is Super Excited For Everyone To Hear About His Groping, Also He Likes Porn a Lot

This Nobel laureate is now ALMOST at the level of just drunkenly and half-nakedly yelling about his innocence to cops.Police in Portland have announced they are re-re-opening the investigation into that time Al Gore allegedly groped a masseuse at a hotel four years ago. Third time’s the charm when it comes to cock-grabbing incidents, apparently. As for Gore, did you expect him to offer No Comment on this? YOU GUESSED WRONG. Al Gore is like, “Bring it on, po-po’s!” And there is also news that he liked porn very much at a motel one time in the 1970s or maybe 1980s.

[Gore's spokeswoman] said Mr. Gore “unequivocally and emphatically” denied making unwanted sexual advances. She added that “further investigation into this matter will only benefit Mr Gore”.

Will only benefit him? What? How? Is the investigation going to reveal that touching Al Gore’s cock magically offsets your lifetime carbon footprint? What a selfless penis. We should all touch Al Gore’s cock. How can this masseuse woman just decide to ruin the Earth like that?!

Remember for a second that Al Gore went by the porn name “Mr. Stone” when he registered at the hotel with the massage lady. Then look at this story:

And that’s exactly what Corbin found when he spoke with the motel desk clerk at the Cookeville motel where Gore stayed. For a little bit of cash, the desk clerk gave Corbin a receipt that showed Gore had rented porn on pay-per-view.

Sponsored Video

In the meantime, Tipper Gore was busy forming the Parents Music Resource Center, an organization that fought for warning labels on music, including music they considered “porn rock.” The PMRC claimed rock music was causing the decay of the nuclear family in America.

Yeah boi! Why did Gore not leak this earlier? He would’ve been president for the past 10 years. Americans may find him standoffish, but they love porn. THAT’S where you connect with voters. [UKPR/Yeas & Nays via Wonkette operative "Will S."]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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76 comments

  1. Neilist

    I hate to be this cynical about poor old Al.

    But that “unwanted” in the denial re “denies making unwanted sexual advances” just leaped right out at me.

    Kinda like Al’s Trouser Trout leaped right out of his BVDs on that fateful night.

  2. Snarkalicious

    Overweight: check. Policy nerd: check. Likes porn: check. Huh. Is Al Gore trying to establish empathy with me specifically, or is this just all eerie coincidence?

  3. Redhead

    “the desk clerk gave Corbin a receipt that showed Gore had rented porn on pay-per-view.”

    So… he’s like every other male in the country. Maybe THIS is why he invented the internetz – free porn, no more pay-per-view!

  4. SayItWithWookies

    This is an important investigation — if he lied about groping a masseuse, then global warming is completely discredited. QED.

  5. user-of-owls

    There’s only one way this can end.

    With the masseuse and Al sharing a beer with Obama in the Rose Garden.

  6. RoscoePColtraine

    Let’s see, a rich, famous, politically powerful man is going to enter a situation where physical contact is not only possible, but obligatory….hmmm, if only Al could have somehow foreseen this scenario.

  7. nolo

    [re=610037]user-of-owls[/re]: I read that as “sharing a bear,” which sounded much more entertaining.

  8. Tommmcatt

    Yeesh. Why not just buy an ACTUAL WHORE? The Secret Service must have standing protocol for the procurement of such entertainment.

  9. Joshua Norton

    Any human with XY chromosomes who claims they don’t like porn is just flat out lying. No matter where they stand in the societal pecking order.

    Period. End of story.

  10. Okiku

    As a massage therapist, I can confirm that people randomly pitch tents. Especially in abdominal work. Throw a little bit of pay per view porn into the mix and a penis that thinks it’s Mother Teresa, and things could get real ugly.

  11. BobTheBuilder

    Ugh… that masseuse looks like a female SkoalRebel. Can you give negative whore diamonds?

  12. facehead

    [re=610021]Neilist[/re]: I thought the same thing, ain’t we a pair? Might as well have said “Mr. Gore denies making unsexy sexual advances … ” because omfg Al Gore is hawt.

    As for him checking out porn on pay-per-view … obviously he’s doing opposition research.

  13. you didn't ask, but

    This is nerdy Al Gore’s version of getting street cred.

    Oh and this allegation sounds like bullshit: I’m all “no means no” and shit but If he did get off, it sounds like it could’ve been consensual. The hotel cameras showed her ‘leaving and being visibly shaken’ (paraphrase) but so the fuck what? Doesn’t mean she wasn’t faking that shit. According to the National Enquirer (yeah, I know) she didn’t bolt out of the room because she thought the security detail would pounce on her (for running away?) but he didn’t have any security with him.

    And he likes porn. Whoopdee fuckin’ do.

    Also too: no criminal charges, just civil == Ka-ching!

  14. Katydid

    [re=610037]user-of-owls[/re]: Make it Al and Obama sharing the masseuse in the Rose Garden, and you can get me interested.

  15. coolcatdaddy

    After the alleged incident, the woman said she was dissuaded from contacting the police by liberal friends, whom she refers to as “The Birkenstock Tribe” and of which she counts herself a member. “It’s like being the ultimate traitor,” the woman said. One friend “was basically asking me to just suck it up, otherwise the world’s going to be destroyed from global warming,” she said.

    Now we know who to blame when the ice caps melt!

  16. Prommie

    [re=610046]Tommmcatt[/re]: It would seem that poor Algore may have thought that was what he did, hire an actual hoo-er, I mean (my mom, who is from Texas, always called them “hoo-ers,” and I like this word).

    Virtue is something largely practiced by the remnants of the middle class. The rural and urban poor, in the trailer parks and ghettoes, they copulate freely with anything that comes along, and the rich, please, if its not the pricey uspcale bordellos and call girls, they keep a mistress.

    Its only the desperately timid little people of the pathetic middle class that gets worked up over this shit.

  17. Breakfast Bourbon

    The guy that invented the internet likes the Pr0n? What a shocker.

    “Why you think the net was born?…”

  18. nappyduggs

    [re=610051]Okiku[/re]:
    Hallelu. I too work in the “healing arts” and, as you intimated, ladies will also moan and groan, and then all but juice the table, and propose to me. The shit feels amazing. It is the same end as sexytime, simply with different means.

  19. Carson

    I like Al, but that picture is creeping me out. Brow lift? Botox? Or just some sort of Bela Lugosi tribute?

  20. Katydid

    Well, wait, the story doesn’t say what porn. There’s porn, and then there’s porn. Or so I hear.

  21. nappyduggs

    Also, “The name is Al- Al Gore. As in, ‘Al Gore you, alright- with my gigantic weather wand.’”

  22. Katydid

    [re=610071]nappyduggs[/re]: You clearly have excellent verbal talents as well as good hands. Wanna go , um, chat? Yeah, let’s call it chat.

  23. Oblios Cap

    But, it turns out the Gore sex saga continues, this time with an incident from the late 1970s or early ’80s, when he allegedly rented a motel room as a young Tennessee congressman to watch pornography. Gore was already married at the time.

    A married man rented porn. OMG! That dastardly knave!

    You can always count on the Examiner to report the important news.

  24. JMP

    [re=610046]Tommmcatt[/re]: And here I was under the impression that masseuses were actual whores, working under a seemingly-legitimate cover; escorts too.

  25. Texan Bulldoggette

    Maybe Tipper should have let Al into her ‘lockbox’ a little more often & all this could have been avoided.

    Although I DO NOT want to hear stuff like this about Jeff Sessions or Tom Coburn, I find this makes Albert a little more likable. (Because, really, nothing would make Jeff or Tom more likable…)

  26. McDuff

    “at the Cookeville motel where Gore stayed” — which is located on Lollypop Lane, one street over from Sugar Plum Way.

  27. just pixels

    Someone should have told Mr. Stone/Gore that farsighted inventors created an “internet” chock full of pornography and convenient ways to meet “lonely housewives in your area”.

  28. Mild Midwesterner

    [re=610073]Katydid[/re]: If the porn was from hotel pay-per-view, then it was unbolded porn.

  29. Dashboard_Buddha

    LMAO – “Crazed Sex Poodle”. I can’t help it. DON’T TEASE THE POODLE!

  30. An Outhouse

    “Cookeville motel” or Cockville motel? Pre-the internet, the only place to get porn was motels. I would hope that he was viewing it in a motel and not just in the middle of the street or, heaven forbid, a public park.

  31. bozofish

    Nothing in this story puts porn in the mix with the Massage Lady. As for “only benefiting” Al, I smell some earlier extortion-type behaviors. Calling Gore out for watching what tons of Americans watch in hotel rooms (ladies, as well) is, well, like blaming trees for global warming (oh, yeah, Reagan already did that. And probably pitched a tent while doing so).

    Can’t wait to hear Bender’s take on this…

  32. Extemporanus

    If Al Gore was serious about conserving energy, he would’ve stayed at the Green Door instead — as its name implies, that place is all about offsetting one’s carbon cock-print.

  33. harry palmer

    [re=610021]Neilist[/re]:, [re=610063]facehead[/re]: “But that “unwanted” in the denial re “denies making unwanted sexual advances” just leaped right out at me.

    But that was the article’s, not the spokesperson’s phrase. The only direct quotation was apparently “unequivocally and emphatically,” which describes either how he denied it, or how he intended to bang this masseuse.

  34. populucious

    Let me say, for the record, that I have a masseuse that I go to regularly for back pain and I consider her an angel sent from heaven above.

    But it seems to me that being a masseuse means being in a profession where, from time to time, one must be prepared to encounter someone who has a different definition of what your services might be. And if you’re a masseuse who chooses to accept late night calls from hotels for guests with “abdominal pain” you can’t possibly convince me you never run in to guests who assume you’re gonna massage their sub-abdominal area.

    And while I would never suggest that means you should do whatever weird thing people ask of you, I really can’t buy that your response to something like this happening is completely falling apart due to the SHOCK and HORROR of it all.

  35. CthuNHu

    For a little bit of cash, I can give you a receipt showing that Sarah Palin rented out a private room in a lesbian bondage club on Christmas Day and paid extra for a dominatrix in a hockey mask and ice-covered paddles. Want an armadillo on there? Ten more bucks and that’ll be on the receipt, too, though it’d kinda break up the theme.

    Also, Washington Examiner reporters are hired exclusively from the ranks of wannabe Mamets whose scripts sucked too much for porn.

  36. Mad Brahms

    [re=610072]Carson[/re]: Al Gore is creating a race of pipple!

    [re=610061]BobTheBuilder[/re]: Whore Zirconia? You’re right though, and I find it odd. Not everyone is a supermodel – I know this! I’m not exactly Rock Hardcheese myself. But the odd thing is you’d assume men with money and power would use said means to go for your more traditionally attractive women, especially if it’s just about getting one’s rocks off. And if it’s about intimacy and companionship, hoo-boy…

  37. arclight

    OMG PORN! GOD FORBID HE WATCHED PORN!

    What’s wrong with watching porn in your hotel room again?

  38. JackDempsey

    Yes, I, too, am shocked by this.

    [The wife scans wonkette at work.]
    p.s. Please bring home a quart of milk.

  39. Mahousu

    [re=610073]Katydid[/re]: The ’70′s, so I’ve heard, were the “golden age of porn,” so whatever he watched, I’m sure it was awesome.

  40. Gorillionaire

    I creeping somebody out with some awkward advances is enough to bring you a criminal investigation or a civil suit, then I’m headed for Rikers.

  41. Prommie

    [re=610170]Mahousu[/re]: They were the golden days of bush, thats for sure, giant, huge crotch-afros. You shoulda seen the one Demi Moore had going on in her one nakey shoot from back in the day. She is one hairy-assed woman.

  42. Mad Brahms

    [re=610170]Mahousu[/re]: I’m hoping it was “Hardgore”, which aside form being appropriate for his name, also sounds like the absolute craziest shit ever made

  43. Simba B

    [re=610068]coolcatdaddy[/re]: Yeah, haha, that passage right there makes me think she’s being paid by Breitbart.

  44. JMP

    [re=610170]Mahousu[/re]: Have you seen any porn from the 70s? Ick. Everyone is all super-hairy and greasy and just plain unattractive; and people actually had to go to theaters to watch it, which had to be pretty fucking icky.

  45. TGY

    He should be canonized by the Catholic Church as St. Al of the Magic Carbon-Sucking Cock, obvs.

  46. hockeymom

    [re=610170]Mahousu[/re]: Whatever it was, I’m sure the gentlemen in those movies sported some handsome mustaches.

  47. Mad Brahms

    [re=610195]JMP[/re]: Naw, man, the 70s was the last gasp of women who actually looked like women in mainstream porn, later eclipsed by the big-haired 80s and airbrushed, fake-boobed 90s / 00s. I’m with you on the whole theatres thing, though. It makes me think of Taxi Driver, and… ick. No wonder Gore opted for the pay-per-view.

  48. hockeymom

    A question about the article…It sounds like the police dropped the case twice for lack of evidence. Now, they are re-opening it…but won’t say why. Is it just the publicity, or is it something else?
    Feel free to speculate…which I will take as fact and pass along.

  49. Mad Brahms

    [re=610189]Simba B[/re]: What, you don’t call your liberal communist pot-luck shaman sessions “Birkenstock Tribe Pow-Wows”? I thought we all did that.

    (Note: “Birkenstock Tribe Pow-Wow” great name for band, perhaps acid jazz. MUST CREDIT WONKETTE.)

  50. GOPCrusher

    [re=610170]Mahousu[/re]: The 70′s and early 80′s produced some of the finest porn ever. And it was on film, not this nasty video that you kids watch nowadays. And we didn’t have the internets or satellite TV to watch it in the privacy of your own home. You either had to rent a hotel room with closed circuit tv or put on a trench coat/fake glasses with mustache and go to the Mini Cinema 16. If you were one of the fortunate ones to own your own Super 8 projector, you could order reels through mail order catalogs.
    And now you know why Al Gore invented the internet. Portable and easy to obtain porn, in the privacy of your home. USA! USA! USA!

  51. PsycGirl

    [re=610117]populucious[/re]: My thoughts exactly. Disappointed, disgusted, annoyed, all yes. But shocked? Shaken? No way, especially as she wasn’t exactly a young woman so had probably been doing this for a while.

  52. halloweenjack

    Al only seems “standoffish” because he needs room for his enormous penis to swing free. If he’s sporting wood, it enters the room two minutes before he does.

  53. Progressively Defensive

    Well, this all shows what makes Barak Obama heroic and a hero of mine, if it is so and I hope so: unlike Clinton (and Gore, if this is accurate) he is an officer (now Commander-in-Chief) and a gentleman.

    He has demonstrated to the nations of the earth that the USA recognizes content of character above all else and is not a racist country, merely one that endures racism on occasion between invididuals like everywhere. He has earned the Nobel Peace Prize for that in my opinion.

    Thank you, Mr. Obama.

    Chris Hart-Zafra

  54. ArugulaTeleprompterz

    [re=610251]Progressively Defensive[/re]: So you’re saying he doesn’t watch the porn? That just makes him a robot, not a hero.

  55. stew

    Ah, “Darling Nicky” brings back memories. But I wouldn’t recommened onanism in a motel lobby–you wouldn’t believe how much I had to pay for bail that day.

  56. Katydid

    In college we had a showing of Deep Throat in the quad, and my roommate attended in her nightgown. She became very popular for awhile. But since video and the Internet, you don’t get the communal experience of porn, which is a shame? Maybe not.

  57. nappyduggs

    [re=610081]Katydid[/re]:
    Katy, you know I’d get you pregnant if I could. But anytime you want me to e-mail you front rub, holla.

    I lez for my Wonkett.

  58. Zorg

    [re=610195]JMP[/re]: Are we talking about “Behind the Green Door” here? “The Devil in Miss Jones?” “Deep Throat?” “Debbie Does Dallas?” These are towering achievements in the history of civilization, you sawed-off little runt. Equivalent, in their way, to the masterworks of D.W. Griffith and Cecile B. DeMille. Watching these films, in say, the Mitchell Brother’s theater on O’Farrell Street in San Francisco, was one of the touchstones of a gentleman’s education back in the 70s. And Al, a Harvard man and a Senator’s son, is nothing if not a gentleman, you pathetic little gob of oozing pus. Your kind really sticks in my craw, you filthy, simpering, tiny pillow-biter!

  59. PsycGirl

    [re=610299]Aurelio[/re]: Oh, she gave an EXCLUSIVE interview to the Inquirer! That doubles her credibility for me.

  60. ImBarb

    Al Gore likes porn? Um, DUH! Has anyone else besides me noticed his cameos in the films “Lawrence of a Labia”, “Pulp Friction” and “The Loin King”? Don’t any of you watch scrambled porn on Cinemax?

  61. Zorg

    [re=610634]ImBarb[/re]: Wasn’t that title “Pup Friction,” where Al has a cameo rôle as a traveling Astroglide salesman paying a call to a remote farm owned by a character resembling QB Michael Vick?

  62. Lazy Media

    I’m pretty sure the investigation is going to center on the false police report/attempted extortion by Miss Majik Fingers. So, yeah, that’ll help Al.

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