It’s here, the special long summer weekend when we pretend to love America and forget about the pesky wars — except for the War of Independence against British Petroleum — and constant disasters such as oil spills and other government failures. Although, courtesy of the World Cup, America has already been exalted four times already this year. Should you have any patriotism remaining or have just been too lazy to put away your red, white and blue garb, here’s how we suggest you celebrate this most holy of holidays.
- Kill yourself or blow off your hand while playing with fireworks. If you’re dead and/or dismembered you won’t be able to make it to the first annual Wonkette Weeping Eagle Awards next Wednesday night at Solly’s! If you insist on playing with fireworks, here’s a map of where you can legally buy them in DC.
- Use the Metro: It’s one of the busiest tourist weekends of the year, so we have we no doubt that they will be doing track maintenance all weekend long. This means long waits, slow rides and you sharing a cramped metro car with thousands of smelly tourists in their nifty FBI t-shirts. Just walk everywhere. It’s not worth taking the Metro.
- Drink and Drive: MillerCoors and Geico, two very civic-minded companies, stepped up and footed a huge bill so your ass can drink all it wants on Sunday night and not die while trying to drive home drunk. Between 10PM on Sunday the 4th and 6AM on Monday the 5th, call 1-800-200-TAXI and a Sober Ride will take you home, for FREE, so long as the fare is under $50. Happy boozing.
- Go to the Mall. David Arhculleta and Gladys Knight are performing. Jimmy Smits of NYPD Blue/The Phantom Menace fame is hosting! Why wouldn’t you go to the annual Capitol Fourth celebration? Grounds open at 3PM, the concert starts at 8PM, and the fireworks go off around 9:15PM. If you go, grab a picnic lunch from Equinox. You can choose from barbecue pork, a hamburger, hot dog, or a grilled heirloom tomato and mozzarella panini, plus a side, for around $9. A.M. Wine Shoppe and Asia Nine are also offering picnic lunch meals.
- Check out the National Independence Day Parade. It starts at 11:45AM, goes down Constitution Ave between 7th and 17th Street, and features over 20 local high school marching bands as well as floats, giant balloons and horses!.
- Go to the National Archives. There you can listen to reading of the Declaration of Independence by actors portraying Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, Benjamin Franklin and … Ned Hector, who, it turns out, was a black Revolutionary War hero.
- Eat. Best bets for food this weekend include The Gibson, where $18 gets you all you can eat pulled pork sandwiches, burgers and sides; Pizzeria Paradiso, where they will be serving a special BBQ pizza and only American beer through Thursday, July 8; and Founding Farmers, where you can indulge in a blueberry pie with whipped cream, sliced strawberries, and vanilla ice cream for dessert.
GIVE US MONEY! -