Alvin Greene’s Campaign Website: The Review

by Jack Stuef

It is a simple logo. It will be gloriously burned into your retinas soon.Earlier this afternoon your next Junior Senator from South Carolina, Alvin Greene, announced right here on Wonkette (EXTRA SUPER EXCLUSIVE MUST CREDIT) that he has made a campaign website, alvingreeneforussenator.com. (Or rather, a campaign website came to be.) Is it “good”? Any political professional would probably say no. Yet the website reflects the candidate: modest, earnest, and yet unyielding in its dedication to three issues. It may be the only American campaign website that seeks to align itself with the Dao.

Just don’t click on “Click Here For More Information” on the front page. Alvin is setting you up for a Daoist joke, people who try to “seek” knowledge. If you click, you see this:

Yes, Alvin Greene uses Yahoo! web hosting, formerly known as Yahoo! GeoCities, formerly known as GeoCities. The Way is hidden and implicate.

At the top of the page we see Greene’s campaign slogan, “Let’s Get South Carolina Back to Work!”

It is a self-fulfilling slogan. When you elect Alvin Greene, he is no longer unemployed. A South Carolinian gets back to work. And when all of South Carolina follows the Dao, so can the whole state. Work comes from not working.

Clicking “About Greene” takes you to a one-paragraph bio. Were you expecting a list of his pets’ names? There is no such list, not from a candidate like this. Who can say who Alvin Greene is? Is he a man who shows porn to coeds at a college library? He is everything, and he is nothing.

You click on “The Issues.” You see simplicity.

You click on “Take Action.” It requests that you input contact information. Likely it was autofilled by your browser. You took no action. Yet you are now on “the Greene team.” Congratulations. Inaction is action in Daoist political campaigns.

You click on “Donations.” Here is a simple PayPal button. A commenter has noticed this button does not work. But why would it “work”? It teaches you a lesson. Worldly assets cannot make a candidate win an election. Only adherence to the Dao can.

Finally, you click on “The Newsroom.” Here are two embedded YouTube videos of interviews with Greene. Is he supposed to be embarrassed that you cringe? He is not. He is forthright and truthful. The problem lies in you.

And thus the wise man uncreates an unpresence on the Internet.

[Alvin Greene for U.S. Senator]

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 80 comments }

JackDempsey June 29, 2010 at 5:03 pm

Genius.
The man has scotch-taped a firecracker to the matchbox car of conventional thinking.
Light the fuse muthafucka.

american mutt June 29, 2010 at 5:03 pm

I like how his website address is ALSO on his website (the top portion of the page). In case you got confused or didn’t understand why you were there.

Wookieonendor June 29, 2010 at 5:04 pm

“Years of misery follow a great victory”, so perhaps big Al doesn’t really want to win. So he makes his Web site baffling on purpose. It’s not that he’s an idiot. He’s deep. We cannot begin to understand his Way.

imissopus June 29, 2010 at 5:07 pm

Did someone make this with Front Page? That would fit in with the late-’90s motif indicated by GeoCities hosting.

“Vote Alvin Greene! He’s stuck in the 1990s!”

Gun-toting Progressive June 29, 2010 at 5:09 pm

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

JMP June 29, 2010 at 5:15 pm

The page is on Geocities, have the links, don’t work, and the pages that do work have only a few sentences of information; wait a second, I think this is a website from 1997. Has Greene’s mastery of the Way lead his learning how travel through time, online?

american mutt June 29, 2010 at 5:18 pm

I like how he features videos that don’t make him look very talented in the first place. Might as well show him getting hit in the nuts with a football.

Suds McKenzie June 29, 2010 at 5:18 pm

I want to grab a pebble from his hand.

doxastic June 29, 2010 at 5:20 pm

Alvin Greene knows that only the fool speaks of that which is silent.

One Yield Regular June 29, 2010 at 5:21 pm

A Republican monk and Alvin Greene came to a stream at the same time. A few seconds later, a wad of money amounting to $10,400 mysteriously arrived at the stream bank. Alvin Greene hoisted the money onto his back and carried it across the stream, the Republican monk following, looking about nervously. When they reached the other side, Alvin Greene let the money down and sent on its way. The Republican monk protested: “But Lao Shi Greene! Do you not know it is forbidden for us to carry this $10,400 across the stream and be seen together? How can you violate our sacred contract?” Calmly, Alvin Greene sagely replied: “I have merely deposited the money here on the other side of the stream and sent it on its way. It is you who is still carrying it.”

user-of-owls June 29, 2010 at 5:21 pm

When I clicked the “About Greene” link, I fully expected to hear an embedded audio saying, “Alvin’s not here, man.”

doxastic June 29, 2010 at 5:22 pm

[re=608863]Gun-toting Progressive[/re]: I cower before Bashō.

Zadig June 29, 2010 at 5:24 pm

[re=608859]imissopus[/re]: Surprised he didn’t go with Angelfire.

Dave J. June 29, 2010 at 5:25 pm

His entire campaign is a zen koan.

Q: Why has Alvin Green run for the US Senate from South Carolina?

A: The sound of one hand clapping.

GOPCrusher June 29, 2010 at 5:27 pm

Did Alvin Greene take the Red or Blue pill?

slappypaddy June 29, 2010 at 5:32 pm

it’s green, all right.

Ted June 29, 2010 at 5:34 pm

If you do manage to get the PayPal page to load, notice where you’re sending money to at the top of the page.

A “alvingreene@hotmail.com” address.

That is all.

madtowngooner June 29, 2010 at 5:37 pm

[re=608877]One Yield Regular[/re]: My moment of Zen for today

weejee June 29, 2010 at 5:37 pm

The Dao is in area code 404?

eclecticbrotha June 29, 2010 at 5:39 pm

Nice site review but the read through needs more Robert Davi voiceover as Demonsheep frolic in the sprawling meadow.

StanTheComedyMan! June 29, 2010 at 5:52 pm

“The punishment fit the crime”?!?

“My object – Oh sublime! — I shall achieve this time:
To make my punish fit my crime, my punishment fit my crime!
And to each coed pet, with videos I molest
Shall view my election — or was that “erection” with innocent merriment!

gurukalehuru June 29, 2010 at 5:55 pm

Oh, well, if we can’t have Mike Gravel

SayItWithWookies June 29, 2010 at 5:59 pm

Is Alvin Greene? No.

Barry White Zombie June 29, 2010 at 6:01 pm

[re=608877]One Yield Regular[/re]: John Cage “Indeterminacy” is the bomb. Maybe that koan is commonly told elsewhere but that’s where I heard it.

M Lite June 29, 2010 at 6:07 pm

Alvin Green IS…and that is enough.

american mutt June 29, 2010 at 6:08 pm

[re=608920]Barry White Zombie[/re]: I’ve never heard of anyone refer to John Cage, inderterminacy and “the bomb” in one sentence.

Stockhausen is my nizzle?

Skwerl Nutz June 29, 2010 at 6:09 pm

I think this is the Frank Capra movie of the 21st century. GO GREENE!

Mahousu June 29, 2010 at 6:09 pm

So a wise leader may say:
“I practice inaction, and the people look after themselves.”
But from the Sage it is so hard at any price to get a single word
That when his task is accomplished, his work done,
Throughout the country every one says: “It happened of its own accord.”

Indeed.

the bf June 29, 2010 at 6:10 pm

wait, so you guys think Jim DeMint is a better choice?

Sharkey June 29, 2010 at 6:13 pm

“Governing a large country is like frying a small fish. You spoil it with too much poking.”

M Lite June 29, 2010 at 6:20 pm

the bf: “wait, so you guys think Jim DeMint is a better choice?”

I’ve been thinking about that. The scary answer is HELL NO. Really, if you think about it, Alvin Green is like Sarah Palin without the stage presence, folksy manner, or overweening ambition. He might be the least ambitious Senate candidate ever. On the other hand, he probably knows more than her about policy. Maybe if this doesn’t pan out, he can replace Biden on the ticket in ’12.

user-of-owls June 29, 2010 at 6:22 pm

Nearly all the world’s languages have a verb root meaning “to be.” Those that don’t simply cannot describe “Alvin Greene.”

red sky June 29, 2010 at 6:22 pm

Be like water, fill the emptiness that is the democratic void in south Carolina
There is no need to force yourself upon the rocks of Republican opposition. Be like water.

dijetlo June 29, 2010 at 6:28 pm

The web page that leads to enlightenment is the web page that cannot be viewed.
All scripting on the Web Server of Wisdom, begins “#!/bin/sh”.
What use are words in describing what is written there?
He who compiles with the “–NODEPS” switch fears nothing however his kernel shall know panic.Thus is the way of the internet Tao, the mother of all porn.

Snarkalicious June 29, 2010 at 6:29 pm

[re=608926]the bf[/re]: The great master Lao-Tzu said: “The Great Way is very smooth, but the people love the by-paths.”

CessnaDriver June 29, 2010 at 6:41 pm

Alvin Greene: The streak in the shorts of the Democratic Party.

Bazurkha June 29, 2010 at 6:55 pm

On the donations page it says, “We thank you for your Support! Your Contributation is greatly appreciated!” Is that like a cross between contribution and tribulation? Either way, one must appreciate the random capitalization.

comment June 29, 2010 at 7:00 pm

Socrates : Plato
Alvin Greene : Jack Steuf

Potater June 29, 2010 at 7:02 pm

Carolina Dem.
Be but do not try to be.
Cheese steak jimmy johns.

comment June 29, 2010 at 7:04 pm

Jack, let me simply quote the Book of Greene, Verse Eleven:

“It is inevitable that I misspell each name, in that each name is always already a misspelling of its self.”

BobTheBuilder June 29, 2010 at 7:12 pm

I wanted to buy a t-shirt or a bumper sticker, but then I realized the futility, nay, the outright harmfulness, of offering such trinkets to the masses. As the Great Master wrote:

“Without going out of doors, one may know the entire universe; without looking out of the window, one may see the way of heaven. The further one travels, the less one may know. Thus it is that without moving you shall know; without looking you shall see. Without doing you shall attain.”

Greene/Palin 2012. Do nothing. Know nothing. Attain all.

facehead June 29, 2010 at 7:17 pm

[re=608952]Potater[/re]:

Let’s get back to work.
Jobs, Education, Justice,
these are the issues.

Oldskool June 29, 2010 at 7:27 pm

Unless he has some kind of meltdown along the way, he could embarrass Demint by losing more narrowly than anyone expects. Something to look forward to, finally.

Udargo June 29, 2010 at 7:48 pm

I have noticed there is only one photo of Alvin Greene, used again here on his website. The same picture of Alvin about to fall asleep. Or achieve oneness with the universe. Or kill you. Or not.

blinky_twinkie June 29, 2010 at 7:52 pm

But the web site says it’s “Paid for by Alvin M. Greene for United States Senate 2010″! It’s a committee! The Dao is a lie! The Dao is a lie…

ennui go June 29, 2010 at 7:56 pm

Take me to the river

Love is reality

Green is blues

mcc June 29, 2010 at 8:05 pm

Right click -> View Source. Right at the top:

“meta name=”Generator” content=”Yahoo! Site Solution – galaga”"

Yeah. He totally used the Yahoo! GeoCities built in site creator to make this.

Bearbloke June 29, 2010 at 8:29 pm

[re=608972]Udargo[/re]: Or Else.

Bearbloke June 29, 2010 at 8:36 pm

If Green loses the election, perhaps he can be Larry King’s replacement – finally, television worth watching!

Maus June 29, 2010 at 8:53 pm

[re=608952]Potater[/re]: Wesley Willis’ Corpse ’12

twoeightnine June 29, 2010 at 9:09 pm

The site was registered by a http://www.melbourneit.com.au/ I smell a Murdoch.

Squiggy June 29, 2010 at 9:21 pm

I like how the page links to itself. That’s a sign of good campaignin’.

torera June 29, 2010 at 9:40 pm

Wow. He’d get my vote. Mayhap Alvin Greene is the reincarnation of Chance Gardner?

zhubajie June 29, 2010 at 9:45 pm

[re=608877]One Yield Regular[/re]: Is this one of those robber-monks I’ve heard of?

JeffBarea June 29, 2010 at 9:45 pm

[re=608996]twoeightnine[/re]: You must be new here on the Internet…

zhubajie June 29, 2010 at 9:48 pm

[re=608926]the bf[/re]: DeMint should be chained to the foot of a rogue elephant.

rocktonsammy June 29, 2010 at 10:19 pm

“within cock crow”

“he thinks he’s the cock of the walk, he’s the cock of nothing!”

Joshua Norton June 29, 2010 at 10:20 pm

Yeah. He totally used the Yahoo! GeoCities built in site creator to make this

And it’s still probably more robust than Lieberman’s famously fucked up website. One link-back from Instapundit pretty much crashed that sucker into a wall.

Escape Goat Nation June 29, 2010 at 10:23 pm

I don’t know Man. I’m just not seeing his position on key issues.

Education: Is he for it?
Is he for lowering our Taxes?
Does he want our children to grow up in safe neighborhoods?
Is he for a strong or weak national defense?
Does he want to decrease or increase our dependency of oil?
Is he pro or anti-pollution?

There’s just so many things he’s not answering.
What is he hiding?

the problem child June 29, 2010 at 10:36 pm

Alvin Greene, Eneerg Nivla. Meditate on this, my disciples.

Barrelhse June 29, 2010 at 10:40 pm

The wise prince leaves the field.

iburl June 29, 2010 at 11:13 pm

Did you see his football pictures on the site?
http://replicaofmyvirtuallife.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/gay11.jpg

mcc June 29, 2010 at 11:23 pm

[re=609008]Joshua Norton[/re]: That is true, using a major name such as Yahoo or Google for your hosting solution *does* have the significant advantage that you will never have to worry about scalability. So Greene made a good call there.

Lately I’ve actually been extremely impressed with the Amazon EC2 service.

Johnny Zhivago June 29, 2010 at 11:44 pm

I sure hope someone who knows what they are doing is helping this guy, because the donations page does not have the disclaimers and restrictions that are required and he could easily end up in a lot of trouble, hassles, refunds, paperwork, etc…

Pat Pending June 29, 2010 at 11:50 pm

[re=608859]imissopus[/re]: If only you knew how many hours I spent in the late ’90s/early ’00s removing MSO code from FrontPage-built web sites. Easy money and fun to do when drunk.

DoktorZoom June 30, 2010 at 12:08 am

Just for the sake of mentioning it, I should note that the URL’s “alvingreeneforsenate.com” and “alvingreeneforUSsenate.com” are both available, while http://www.alvingreene2010.com is an “Unofficial website of Al Greene grassroots supporters,” and could be a poe. Or not, just like Mr. Greene.

bago June 30, 2010 at 12:16 am
NYNYNY June 30, 2010 at 12:45 am

I read the web address as : Alvin G., re: “Eenf!” or “Us Senator!”

NYNYNY June 30, 2010 at 12:59 am

[re=608877]One Yield Regular[/re]: Ah, I love that story. “The Parable of the Registration Money.”

Once, a web designer who wanted to help Alvin Greene with his website came to house and asked “How do you want the front page to look?” Greene held up his thumb. The web designer did not understand. Alvin then grabbed his hand and cut off the man’s thumb. He screamed in pain, blood splattering the porch. “How do I want the front page to look?” he asked the web designer. The web designer held up the stump of his thumb, and seeing it, became enlightened.

Beanball June 30, 2010 at 1:02 am

Consider this, Grasshopper:

“It’s no accident.”

MsQuasimodo June 30, 2010 at 1:38 am

[re=609026]bago[/re]: Those look like those annoying balls from the 1970s – completely forget what they were called – you could set them in motion and they’d keep click-clacking forever until you were driven mad.

Why the focus on male genitals? I’m waiting for Brass Ovaries ™ or TruckOvareez ™ or BrassTitz ™.

Ken Layne June 30, 2010 at 1:54 am

This is my favorite post and comments thread of the year.

Zorg June 30, 2010 at 2:52 am

Alvin Greene was approached a woman neighbor who was unhappy that her husband spent so much time with his wakashu in the floating world district of Charleston that he was only interested in anal intercourse with her.
“Do not be worried,” Alvin told his neighbor, “Let me lay down in your bed while you hide in the closet. When your husband comes home and gets into bed with me and attempts anal intercourse, I will turn around and scold him and he will be so embarrassed he will not repeat this act with you.”
The woman agreed and hid in the closet as instructed. Very late at night, the husband, a Republican party official, came home from Charleston and got into their bed. He began to ravish the fundament of Alvin Greene, who, to the wife’s surprise, assumed a stance on all fours and did not protest at all. Happily thrusting away, the husband slipped his hand around Alvin’s waist and felt his enormous erection.
“No wonder this feels so good tonight,” the husband softly exclaimed, “I went all the way through!”

Geogre June 30, 2010 at 6:53 am

“A reporter asked Alvin Greene, ‘Without speaking, and yet without silence, how can you speak the political truth?’

Alvin Greene replied, ‘Do you like pictures like these, of nymphos without panties sporting among flowers who sing pop songs?’”

[The whole of The Gateless Gate is at iBiblio. http://www.ibiblio.org/zen/cgi-bin/koan-index.pl

Beanball June 30, 2010 at 8:18 am

[re=608998]Squiggy[/re]:

“…the page links to itself.”

Whoever understands the first link
Should understand the ultimate link.
The last and first,
Are they not the same?

Tcaalaw June 30, 2010 at 8:38 am

[re=609018]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: A master of the Way has no need for money as the stone has no need for rain, yet neither of them turns away the rain. Do you think a stone needs “disclaimers and restrictions” for the rain that falls upon it without it asking? If so, then you are not a master of the Way.

slithytoves June 30, 2010 at 9:51 am

Too much confusion of Buddhism with Taoism. The mind, in reeling, reels.

Ducksworthy June 30, 2010 at 9:57 am

[re=609023]DoktorZoom[/re]: Wow! “Too many prisons and not enough schools”? WTF? Is this guy man enough to stand up to the cherished private prison industry?

Ducksworthy June 30, 2010 at 10:02 am

[re=609048]Ken Layne[/re]: Agree. This dialog shall be entered as an appendix to the work of Chaung Tse, or perhaps the Tao of Pooh.

judo_zhu July 9, 2010 at 12:04 am

Perfect the art of saying “I’m sorry.”,Too many prisons and not enough schools,sports

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: