Alvin Greene’s Campaign Website: The Review

  dwell within cock-crow of your neighbors

It is a simple logo. It will be gloriously burned into your retinas soon.Earlier this afternoon your next Junior Senator from South Carolina, Alvin Greene, announced right here on Wonkette (EXTRA SUPER EXCLUSIVE MUST CREDIT) that he has made a campaign website, alvingreeneforussenator.com. (Or rather, a campaign website came to be.) Is it “good”? Any political professional would probably say no. Yet the website reflects the candidate: modest, earnest, and yet unyielding in its dedication to three issues. It may be the only American campaign website that seeks to align itself with the Dao.

Just don’t click on “Click Here For More Information” on the front page. Alvin is setting you up for a Daoist joke, people who try to “seek” knowledge. If you click, you see this:

Yes, Alvin Greene uses Yahoo! web hosting, formerly known as Yahoo! GeoCities, formerly known as GeoCities. The Way is hidden and implicate.

At the top of the page we see Greene’s campaign slogan, “Let’s Get South Carolina Back to Work!”

It is a self-fulfilling slogan. When you elect Alvin Greene, he is no longer unemployed. A South Carolinian gets back to work. And when all of South Carolina follows the Dao, so can the whole state. Work comes from not working.

Clicking “About Greene” takes you to a one-paragraph bio. Were you expecting a list of his pets’ names? There is no such list, not from a candidate like this. Who can say who Alvin Greene is? Is he a man who shows porn to coeds at a college library? He is everything, and he is nothing.

You click on “The Issues.” You see simplicity.

You click on “Take Action.” It requests that you input contact information. Likely it was autofilled by your browser. You took no action. Yet you are now on “the Greene team.” Congratulations. Inaction is action in Daoist political campaigns.

 
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You click on “Donations.” Here is a simple PayPal button. A commenter has noticed this button does not work. But why would it “work”? It teaches you a lesson. Worldly assets cannot make a candidate win an election. Only adherence to the Dao can.

Finally, you click on “The Newsroom.” Here are two embedded YouTube videos of interviews with Greene. Is he supposed to be embarrassed that you cringe? He is not. He is forthright and truthful. The problem lies in you.

And thus the wise man uncreates an unpresence on the Internet.

[Alvin Greene for U.S. Senator]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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80 comments

  1. JackDempsey

    Genius.
    The man has scotch-taped a firecracker to the matchbox car of conventional thinking.
    Light the fuse muthafucka.

  2. american mutt

    I like how his website address is ALSO on his website (the top portion of the page). In case you got confused or didn’t understand why you were there.

  3. Wookieonendor

    “Years of misery follow a great victory”, so perhaps big Al doesn’t really want to win. So he makes his Web site baffling on purpose. It’s not that he’s an idiot. He’s deep. We cannot begin to understand his Way.

  4. imissopus

    Did someone make this with Front Page? That would fit in with the late-’90s motif indicated by GeoCities hosting.

    “Vote Alvin Greene! He’s stuck in the 1990s!”

  5. Gun-toting Progressive

    You step in the stream,
    But the water has moved on.
    This page is not here.

  6. JMP

    The page is on Geocities, have the links, don’t work, and the pages that do work have only a few sentences of information; wait a second, I think this is a website from 1997. Has Greene’s mastery of the Way lead his learning how travel through time, online?

  7. american mutt

    I like how he features videos that don’t make him look very talented in the first place. Might as well show him getting hit in the nuts with a football.

  8. One Yield Regular

    A Republican monk and Alvin Greene came to a stream at the same time. A few seconds later, a wad of money amounting to $10,400 mysteriously arrived at the stream bank. Alvin Greene hoisted the money onto his back and carried it across the stream, the Republican monk following, looking about nervously. When they reached the other side, Alvin Greene let the money down and sent on its way. The Republican monk protested: “But Lao Shi Greene! Do you not know it is forbidden for us to carry this $10,400 across the stream and be seen together? How can you violate our sacred contract?” Calmly, Alvin Greene sagely replied: “I have merely deposited the money here on the other side of the stream and sent it on its way. It is you who is still carrying it.”

  9. user-of-owls

    When I clicked the “About Greene” link, I fully expected to hear an embedded audio saying, “Alvin’s not here, man.”

  10. Dave J.

    His entire campaign is a zen koan.

    Q: Why has Alvin Green run for the US Senate from South Carolina?

    A: The sound of one hand clapping.

  11. Ted

    If you do manage to get the PayPal page to load, notice where you’re sending money to at the top of the page.

    A “alvingreene@hotmail.com” address.

    That is all.

  12. eclecticbrotha

    Nice site review but the read through needs more Robert Davi voiceover as Demonsheep frolic in the sprawling meadow.

  13. StanTheComedyMan!

    “The punishment fit the crime”?!?

    “My object – Oh sublime! — I shall achieve this time:
    To make my punish fit my crime, my punishment fit my crime!
    And to each coed pet, with videos I molest
    Shall view my election — or was that “erection” with innocent merriment!

  14. Barry White Zombie

    [re=608877]One Yield Regular[/re]: John Cage “Indeterminacy” is the bomb. Maybe that koan is commonly told elsewhere but that’s where I heard it.

  15. american mutt

    [re=608920]Barry White Zombie[/re]: I’ve never heard of anyone refer to John Cage, inderterminacy and “the bomb” in one sentence.

    Stockhausen is my nizzle?

  16. Mahousu

    So a wise leader may say:
    “I practice inaction, and the people look after themselves.”
    But from the Sage it is so hard at any price to get a single word
    That when his task is accomplished, his work done,
    Throughout the country every one says: “It happened of its own accord.”

    Indeed.

  17. Sharkey

    “Governing a large country is like frying a small fish. You spoil it with too much poking.”

  18. M Lite

    the bf: “wait, so you guys think Jim DeMint is a better choice?”

    I’ve been thinking about that. The scary answer is HELL NO. Really, if you think about it, Alvin Green is like Sarah Palin without the stage presence, folksy manner, or overweening ambition. He might be the least ambitious Senate candidate ever. On the other hand, he probably knows more than her about policy. Maybe if this doesn’t pan out, he can replace Biden on the ticket in ’12.

  19. user-of-owls

    Nearly all the world’s languages have a verb root meaning “to be.” Those that don’t simply cannot describe “Alvin Greene.”

  20. red sky

    Be like water, fill the emptiness that is the democratic void in south Carolina
    There is no need to force yourself upon the rocks of Republican opposition. Be like water.

  21. dijetlo

    The web page that leads to enlightenment is the web page that cannot be viewed.
    All scripting on the Web Server of Wisdom, begins “#!/bin/sh”.
    What use are words in describing what is written there?
    He who compiles with the “–NODEPS” switch fears nothing however his kernel shall know panic.Thus is the way of the internet Tao, the mother of all porn.

  22. Snarkalicious

    [re=608926]the bf[/re]: The great master Lao-Tzu said: “The Great Way is very smooth, but the people love the by-paths.”

  23. Bazurkha

    On the donations page it says, “We thank you for your Support! Your Contributation is greatly appreciated!” Is that like a cross between contribution and tribulation? Either way, one must appreciate the random capitalization.

  24. comment

    Jack, let me simply quote the Book of Greene, Verse Eleven:

    “It is inevitable that I misspell each name, in that each name is always already a misspelling of its self.”

  25. BobTheBuilder

    I wanted to buy a t-shirt or a bumper sticker, but then I realized the futility, nay, the outright harmfulness, of offering such trinkets to the masses. As the Great Master wrote:

    “Without going out of doors, one may know the entire universe; without looking out of the window, one may see the way of heaven. The further one travels, the less one may know. Thus it is that without moving you shall know; without looking you shall see. Without doing you shall attain.”

    Greene/Palin 2012. Do nothing. Know nothing. Attain all.

  26. facehead

    [re=608952]Potater[/re]:

    Let’s get back to work.
    Jobs, Education, Justice,
    these are the issues.

  27. Oldskool

    Unless he has some kind of meltdown along the way, he could embarrass Demint by losing more narrowly than anyone expects. Something to look forward to, finally.

  28. Udargo

    I have noticed there is only one photo of Alvin Greene, used again here on his website. The same picture of Alvin about to fall asleep. Or achieve oneness with the universe. Or kill you. Or not.

  29. blinky_twinkie

    But the web site says it’s “Paid for by Alvin M. Greene for United States Senate 2010″! It’s a committee! The Dao is a lie! The Dao is a lie…

  30. mcc

    Right click -> View Source. Right at the top:

    “meta name=”Generator” content=”Yahoo! Site Solution – galaga””

    Yeah. He totally used the Yahoo! GeoCities built in site creator to make this.

  31. zhubajie

    [re=608877]One Yield Regular[/re]: Is this one of those robber-monks I’ve heard of?

  32. rocktonsammy

    “within cock crow”

    “he thinks he’s the cock of the walk, he’s the cock of nothing!”

  33. Joshua Norton

    Yeah. He totally used the Yahoo! GeoCities built in site creator to make this

    And it’s still probably more robust than Lieberman’s famously fucked up website. One link-back from Instapundit pretty much crashed that sucker into a wall.

  34. Escape Goat Nation

    I don’t know Man. I’m just not seeing his position on key issues.

    Education: Is he for it?
    Is he for lowering our Taxes?
    Does he want our children to grow up in safe neighborhoods?
    Is he for a strong or weak national defense?
    Does he want to decrease or increase our dependency of oil?
    Is he pro or anti-pollution?

    There’s just so many things he’s not answering.
    What is he hiding?

  35. mcc

    [re=609008]Joshua Norton[/re]: That is true, using a major name such as Yahoo or Google for your hosting solution *does* have the significant advantage that you will never have to worry about scalability. So Greene made a good call there.

    Lately I’ve actually been extremely impressed with the Amazon EC2 service.

  36. Johnny Zhivago

    I sure hope someone who knows what they are doing is helping this guy, because the donations page does not have the disclaimers and restrictions that are required and he could easily end up in a lot of trouble, hassles, refunds, paperwork, etc…

  37. Pat Pending

    [re=608859]imissopus[/re]: If only you knew how many hours I spent in the late ’90s/early ’00s removing MSO code from FrontPage-built web sites. Easy money and fun to do when drunk.

  38. DoktorZoom

    Just for the sake of mentioning it, I should note that the URL’s “alvingreeneforsenate.com” and “alvingreeneforUSsenate.com” are both available, while http://www.alvingreene2010.com is an “Unofficial website of Al Greene grassroots supporters,” and could be a poe. Or not, just like Mr. Greene.

  39. NYNYNY

    [re=608877]One Yield Regular[/re]: Ah, I love that story. “The Parable of the Registration Money.”

    Once, a web designer who wanted to help Alvin Greene with his website came to house and asked “How do you want the front page to look?” Greene held up his thumb. The web designer did not understand. Alvin then grabbed his hand and cut off the man’s thumb. He screamed in pain, blood splattering the porch. “How do I want the front page to look?” he asked the web designer. The web designer held up the stump of his thumb, and seeing it, became enlightened.

  40. MsQuasimodo

    [re=609026]bago[/re]: Those look like those annoying balls from the 1970s – completely forget what they were called – you could set them in motion and they’d keep click-clacking forever until you were driven mad.

    Why the focus on male genitals? I’m waiting for Brass Ovaries ™ or TruckOvareez ™ or BrassTitz ™.

  41. Zorg

    Alvin Greene was approached a woman neighbor who was unhappy that her husband spent so much time with his wakashu in the floating world district of Charleston that he was only interested in anal intercourse with her.
    “Do not be worried,” Alvin told his neighbor, “Let me lay down in your bed while you hide in the closet. When your husband comes home and gets into bed with me and attempts anal intercourse, I will turn around and scold him and he will be so embarrassed he will not repeat this act with you.”
    The woman agreed and hid in the closet as instructed. Very late at night, the husband, a Republican party official, came home from Charleston and got into their bed. He began to ravish the fundament of Alvin Greene, who, to the wife’s surprise, assumed a stance on all fours and did not protest at all. Happily thrusting away, the husband slipped his hand around Alvin’s waist and felt his enormous erection.
    “No wonder this feels so good tonight,” the husband softly exclaimed, “I went all the way through!”

  42. Geogre

    “A reporter asked Alvin Greene, ‘Without speaking, and yet without silence, how can you speak the political truth?’

    Alvin Greene replied, ‘Do you like pictures like these, of nymphos without panties sporting among flowers who sing pop songs?’”

    [The whole of The Gateless Gate is at iBiblio. http://www.ibiblio.org/zen/cgi-bin/koan-index.pl

  43. Beanball

    [re=608998]Squiggy[/re]:

    “…the page links to itself.”

    Whoever understands the first link
    Should understand the ultimate link.
    The last and first,
    Are they not the same?

  44. Tcaalaw

    [re=609018]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: A master of the Way has no need for money as the stone has no need for rain, yet neither of them turns away the rain. Do you think a stone needs “disclaimers and restrictions” for the rain that falls upon it without it asking? If so, then you are not a master of the Way.

  45. Ducksworthy

    [re=609023]DoktorZoom[/re]: Wow! “Too many prisons and not enough schools”? WTF? Is this guy man enough to stand up to the cherished private prison industry?

  46. Ducksworthy

    [re=609048]Ken Layne[/re]: Agree. This dialog shall be entered as an appendix to the work of Chaung Tse, or perhaps the Tao of Pooh.

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