Fred Thompson Wants To Steal the Homes of Seniors

by Jack Stuef

Oh look, senior citizens, here’s your friend Fred Thompson. Do you want to get some extra cash and block your children from inheriting your best and perhaps only real asset? Then listen to this man who was almost the next President Ronald Reagan. He has a hot wife and is standing in front of a green-screen video of a patriotic house! So call now for a free DVD, but ask a neighbor, not your children, to help you get the DVD player working, because they may not like you getting this money so you can go on cruises with your surviving non-bed-ridden friends.

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Hola wonkerados.

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ella June 29, 2010 at 2:14 pm

If this doesn’t work out for him, he can always hawk payday loans.

Prommie June 29, 2010 at 2:15 pm

The whorishness of this whoring is whorrendous. This is whoring for the lowest form of skeevy whores.

user-of-owls June 29, 2010 at 2:15 pm

Sorry, but while Fred takes another nap, allow me to veer OT for a moment. If you think being hounded by incoherent clothing or flesh peddlers was bad, wait til you see the latest incarnation of parasitism.

Tommmcatt June 29, 2010 at 2:19 pm

In my heart I know there is something deeply wrong about reverse mortgages, but in my head I can’t quite work out why.

you didn't ask, but June 29, 2010 at 2:20 pm

Why the green screen? Was he too fucking lazy to drive his pickup truck two feet to a patriotic looking house? They pay people for the rights to used locations, for Christ’s sake.

Also too: Why the fuck does he walk like a Weeble? And swallow half the words in those fucking jowls? Jeez Wheezin’. Without that Law & Order two-note chime he’s even suckier.

BlueStateLiberal June 29, 2010 at 2:22 pm

You laugh now–but don’t be surprised to see the Snowbilly herself whoring out like this in a few short years.

actor212 June 29, 2010 at 2:22 pm

Ah, Fred Dalton Thompson.

The Dalton is silent.

I wish he was.

Baldar T Flagass June 29, 2010 at 2:22 pm

[re=608584]ella[/re]: I’d always figured Fred as a Goldline kinda guy.

Prommie June 29, 2010 at 2:22 pm

[re=608594]Tommmcatt[/re]: Its selling the seed corn.

slappypaddy June 29, 2010 at 2:30 pm

c’mon, olds, piss it all away. make sure you leave nothing for the coming generations. they’re all a bunch of spoiled, obese, lazy, ignorant ingrates anyway, right? the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree.

BlueStateLiberal June 29, 2010 at 2:31 pm

I like the prominently displayed American flag. It assures me that I can completely trust both Thompson and this fly-by-night mortgage-scamming company, and that they are real Americans deserving of my business. Where do I sign?

JMP June 29, 2010 at 2:32 pm

Our washed-up former celebrities certainly love ripping off the olds. I’ve seen the ads with Maverick (the cowboy, no John McCain) and Robert Wagner (which made me go, “why do I recognize his name but am unable to think of a single thing he’s done?”), but That Guy From Law & Order and CNN is a big extension of their was-once-a-star power.

actor212 June 29, 2010 at 2:33 pm

[re=608584]ella[/re]: I agree. When Robert Wagner was humping reverse mortgages, I forgave him because he’s dead.

Wait. Don’t I have to forgive Thompson then, too?

Prommie June 29, 2010 at 2:33 pm

I bet they buy structured personal injury settlements, and lottery annuities, too.

President Beeblebrox June 29, 2010 at 2:37 pm

Needs moar semi-employed actor whiskers.

AnnieGetYourFun June 29, 2010 at 2:39 pm

[re=608612]slappypaddy[/re]: Not just nothing, but negative nothing, I think. As I understand it, the debt resulting from these types of loans can be passed on to heirs?

Gorillionaire June 29, 2010 at 2:40 pm

Sadder still, some people do the reverse mortgage thing so that the scumbag nursing home will leave them the hell alone about the 30K bill they supposedly have after the dementia disabled spouse died.
Can we get back to calling Fred by his given Wonkette name, Dipshit McGoo? Or was it Dipshit McGee?

snoidoid June 29, 2010 at 2:41 pm

Greatest Generation, my ass! Not only did they stick us with Vietnam, Korea, and Central American wars, they stuck us with Nixon and Bush the Elder, the Savings and Loan debacle, Gremlins and Vegas, and now while we’re paying their Medicare and Social Security they sit around figuring out how to spend every last nickel right to the grave.

Rasvar June 29, 2010 at 2:42 pm

Hell, I was wondering when the American Association of Geographers (AAG) started to get into real estate. Granted, there is probably more money in that than chasing grants.

widestanceromancer June 29, 2010 at 2:43 pm

[re=608598]BlueStateLiberal[/re]: Oh, how I long for the day when she has nothing left but that to keep her going. I mean, once Trig is an adult and sues her for child abuse, she ain’t gonna make the rent on her back is she?

chaste everywhere June 29, 2010 at 2:43 pm

Absolutely FREE=America

x111e7thst June 29, 2010 at 2:43 pm

The green screen is no surprise. This fuckstick is so lazy that his home health-care attendants have to pump him full of Adderall to get him out of bed to shit.

Hart88 June 29, 2010 at 2:53 pm

next up: robot insurance

TGY June 29, 2010 at 2:57 pm

Fred ThompzzzzzzzzzzNnNnNChzzz

MarieDeGournay June 29, 2010 at 2:59 pm

[re=608637]chaste everywhere[/re]: Less filling; tastes great.

mookworthjwilson June 29, 2010 at 3:00 pm

[re=608621]actor212[/re]: Only Robert Wagner’s soul is dead…he himself is very much alive…

masterdebater June 29, 2010 at 3:06 pm

Some people can’t understand why good ol’ Fred didn’t get elected. But, you know…I think we missed our chance to solve this whole “economic crisis”, or whatever. Reverse mortgage the whole country!…no wait. Are we already doing that?

actor212 June 29, 2010 at 3:07 pm

[re=608663]mookworthjwilson[/re]: Have you seen the commercials? If that’s alive, kill me now!

imissopus June 29, 2010 at 3:11 pm

Government-insured? Sounds socialist.

JMP June 29, 2010 at 3:15 pm

[re=608646]Hart88[/re]: Heh; that one wasn’t too far off from the real thing, because I guess scaring old people out of their money must be easy; or at least these companies think it is. My favorites were the Colonial Penn Insurance ads with Ed McMahon, that started with the old women talking too each other, “Did you hear what happened to Agnes? She went bankrupt paying for her husbands’ funeral because he didn’t have life insurance!”

Then there’s the LifeAlert thing; while they’ve dropped the infamous “I’ve fallen – and I can’t get up!”, they still have ads that say any old person without LifeAlert will fall, break their hip and slowly starve to death, alone and unable to call for help.

chascates June 29, 2010 at 3:28 pm

The new Ed McMahon.

MissyLissa June 29, 2010 at 3:33 pm

The only response to anything related to Foghorn Leghorn Thompson is the classic Law and Order question, “Is this because I’m a lesbian?”

FMA June 29, 2010 at 3:34 pm

[re=608598]BlueStateLiberal[/re]: If we’re lucky.

Jim89048 June 29, 2010 at 3:34 pm

At least Publisher’s Clearing House only set the olds back a few $$$ worth of stamps.

Tommmcatt June 29, 2010 at 3:34 pm


Ah. Perfect. Now I get it.

GOPCrusher June 29, 2010 at 3:35 pm

What’s Fred’s stance on Mesothelioma? Or diabetes supplies?

Miriam 525 June 29, 2010 at 3:37 pm

I’m an old and they can’t fool me. Nothing says fraud like a totally washed up “star” pushing some kind of fly-by-night financial plan. Next we’ll get “Walnut” McCain hawking payday loans.

tribbzthesquidz June 29, 2010 at 3:39 pm

I hope Fred has to someday drive his big stupid red truck to the title-loan place so he can afford his medz or whatever. May he also get behind on payments and run the interest tab a coupla thousand percentage points over the original loan amount. Then, may he feel fuckered and suckered by his own doingz.

FMA June 29, 2010 at 3:43 pm

This pisses me off. Now that thieves have stolen old people’s pensions and savings, they are going after the only tangible thing of any real worth they have. This sort of shit should be illegal. Instead, it’s the GOP’s Social Security plan.

Sorry about that. I’ll try to make up for it by saying that the ad would be much more enjoyable and credible if Dipshit McGoo, or McGee, were accompanied by his wife, you know, the one with the rack. The olds like boobies.

JMP June 29, 2010 at 3:44 pm

[re=608713]MissyLissa[/re]: To which the response should be, “No, it’s because leaving for an inferior show filmed in New York meant we never got a proper ending for Det. Kate Lockley’s story, or any answer to how Angel was able to save you from the suicide attempt when you had never invited him in.”

MarSF June 29, 2010 at 3:52 pm

[re=608684]JMP[/re]: Don’t forget Wilford Brimley and his Diabeetus supplies that never stop coming, straight to your door. If you run out of test strips, your feet might rot off.

Jim89048 June 29, 2010 at 3:58 pm

[re=608723]Miriam 525[/re]: But I just saw the freaking Fonz hawking reverse mortgages on the TeeVee. We can trust the Fonz, can’t we?

chaste everywhere June 29, 2010 at 4:06 pm

[re=608662]MarieDeGournay[/re]: Another week, another rulership by MDeG. You’ve even got me searching for your namesake’s books. Are any of them in print? Are you she, reincarnated? Or Jenny Diski, perhaps?

Nappied Hypotenuse June 29, 2010 at 4:09 pm

Jack, in future plz tag all Thompson-related entries with Dipshit McGoo. Remember, the Library of Congress is saving this for posterity.

Nappied Hypotenuse June 29, 2010 at 4:16 pm

Oh, and while we’re at it, here is some proof of AAG’s shitbaggery in Massachusetts.

Lazy Media June 29, 2010 at 4:29 pm

[re=608734]FMA[/re]: Hey, as the 48-year-old “child” of a 74-year-old, cancer-terminal parent, I say FUCK the children. Spend every nickel, olds. If you can’t get money out of your house any other way, then reverse-mortgage like a motherfucker.

Like I tell my mother; die broke and have the check to the undertaker bounce.

(Of course, she’s all “It’s going to the grandkids’ college funds.”)

DemmeFatale June 29, 2010 at 4:42 pm

What’s up Dipshit? No ad for walk-in bathtubs?

DustBowlBlues June 29, 2010 at 5:18 pm

G**dammit! I didn’t realize Fred Thompson was a douche.

{scratching head while debating whether someone among the wonkeratti is so stupid that I need to explain this is sarcasm so I don’t generate a long, long reply detailing examples of fat bastard’s douchbaggery}

Nah. No one who reads wonkette can be that retar–oops, that specially abled.

chaste everywhere June 29, 2010 at 5:20 pm

[re=608738]JMP[/re]: Aw, Angel saved Kate because, because . . . I don’t know, he had to, that’s all, otherwise she wouldn’t have been there to hear him speak the greatest line in the history of the show, and possibly in the entirety of Western civilization. (“If nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do,” of course.)

Rotundo June 29, 2010 at 5:25 pm

Ah, he’s on the slippery slope now gang. Next up, diabetes supplies and finally, Fred Thompson autograph series colostomy bags! With little stars and bars flags on them and stuff!

DustBowlBlues June 29, 2010 at 5:28 pm

Shit. I look at Hardball, and there’s some cross eyed woman doing a political ad for herself shooting taxes with what is a Tommy Gun, according to Chrissie. WTF? She must be in Arizona. Those desert freaks are so inventive. Our lege has to steal all their ideas, since okies are evidently too stupid to think up this shit on their own.

Uh, where were we?

slappypaddy June 29, 2010 at 5:39 pm

[re=608628]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: well, shit, just toss it in with the national debt, then, it’ll be keeping good company (if somewhat overwhelmed).

slappypaddy June 29, 2010 at 5:44 pm

[re=608684]JMP[/re]: “they still have ads that say any old person without LifeAlert will fall, break their hip and slowly starve to death, alone and unable to call for help.”

but the kittens shall be grateful, for they shall not quickly starve (though the meat may be tough and stringy).

Can O Whoopass June 29, 2010 at 6:58 pm

“Hah y’all, Ah’m Fred Thompson an’ Ah died 12 years ago. Neil Bush opened a can of Ol’ Roy and revived me. While Ah was daid, Ah had a summit wid Saint Reagan an Gorbechev who advased me ta steal as much as Ah can, ya heah? Cause there ain’t notin’ more sexy than babes like Gubbner Brewer livin’ in dere cars, bangin’ Jose da Plumber for a snort of Advair.”

JMP June 29, 2010 at 9:14 pm

[re=608876]chaste everywhere[/re]: I figured Kate was probably technically dead, for a bit, like with how Kendra got called as a Slayer; but whatever the reason, it was never explained, and all because Kate left for the show that wrote her our because she was a lesbian.

Aurelio June 30, 2010 at 12:42 am

Two whore diamonds.

Rocky in Texas said... June 30, 2010 at 1:14 am

Grifter palin will be doing this shit in a couple years…

and then it’s on to $5.00 blow jobs in Juarez after that!

That’s $5.00US, not pesos!

NYNYNY June 30, 2010 at 1:45 am

I just finished Thompson’s book “Teaching the Pig to Dance”- it’s actually a very dark and sobering story about the non-consensual relationship he had with a pig in the summer of ’58. It is not light reading.

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