things we see when we watch the price is right

Fred Thompson Wants To Steal the Homes of Seniors


Oh look, senior citizens, here’s your friend Fred Thompson. Do you want to get some extra cash and block your children from inheriting your best and perhaps only real asset? Then listen to this man who was almost the next President Ronald Reagan. He has a hot wife and is standing in front of a green-screen video of a patriotic house! So call now for a free DVD, but ask a neighbor, not your children, to help you get the DVD player working, because they may not like you getting this money so you can go on cruises with your surviving non-bed-ridden friends.

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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58 comments

  1. Prommie

    The whorishness of this whoring is whorrendous. This is whoring for the lowest form of skeevy whores.

  2. Tommmcatt

    In my heart I know there is something deeply wrong about reverse mortgages, but in my head I can’t quite work out why.

  3. you didn't ask, but

    Why the green screen? Was he too fucking lazy to drive his pickup truck two feet to a patriotic looking house? They pay people for the rights to used locations, for Christ’s sake.

    Also too: Why the fuck does he walk like a Weeble? And swallow half the words in those fucking jowls? Jeez Wheezin’. Without that Law & Order two-note chime he’s even suckier.

  4. BlueStateLiberal

    You laugh now–but don’t be surprised to see the Snowbilly herself whoring out like this in a few short years.

  5. slappypaddy

    c’mon, olds, piss it all away. make sure you leave nothing for the coming generations. they’re all a bunch of spoiled, obese, lazy, ignorant ingrates anyway, right? the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree.

  6. BlueStateLiberal

    I like the prominently displayed American flag. It assures me that I can completely trust both Thompson and this fly-by-night mortgage-scamming company, and that they are real Americans deserving of my business. Where do I sign?

  7. JMP

    Our washed-up former celebrities certainly love ripping off the olds. I’ve seen the ads with Maverick (the cowboy, no John McCain) and Robert Wagner (which made me go, “why do I recognize his name but am unable to think of a single thing he’s done?”), but That Guy From Law & Order and CNN is a big extension of their was-once-a-star power.

  8. actor212

    [re=608584]ella[/re]: I agree. When Robert Wagner was humping reverse mortgages, I forgave him because he’s dead.

    Wait. Don’t I have to forgive Thompson then, too?

  9. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=608612]slappypaddy[/re]: Not just nothing, but negative nothing, I think. As I understand it, the debt resulting from these types of loans can be passed on to heirs?

  10. Gorillionaire

    Sadder still, some people do the reverse mortgage thing so that the scumbag nursing home will leave them the hell alone about the 30K bill they supposedly have after the dementia disabled spouse died.
    Can we get back to calling Fred by his given Wonkette name, Dipshit McGoo? Or was it Dipshit McGee?

  11. snoidoid

    Greatest Generation, my ass! Not only did they stick us with Vietnam, Korea, and Central American wars, they stuck us with Nixon and Bush the Elder, the Savings and Loan debacle, Gremlins and Vegas, and now while we’re paying their Medicare and Social Security they sit around figuring out how to spend every last nickel right to the grave.

  12. Rasvar

    Hell, I was wondering when the American Association of Geographers (AAG) started to get into real estate. Granted, there is probably more money in that than chasing grants.

  13. widestanceromancer

    [re=608598]BlueStateLiberal[/re]: Oh, how I long for the day when she has nothing left but that to keep her going. I mean, once Trig is an adult and sues her for child abuse, she ain’t gonna make the rent on her back is she?

  14. x111e7thst

    The green screen is no surprise. This fuckstick is so lazy that his home health-care attendants have to pump him full of Adderall to get him out of bed to shit.

  15. mookworthjwilson

    [re=608621]actor212[/re]: Only Robert Wagner’s soul is dead…he himself is very much alive…

  16. masterdebater

    Some people can’t understand why good ol’ Fred didn’t get elected. But, you know…I think we missed our chance to solve this whole “economic crisis”, or whatever. Reverse mortgage the whole country!…no wait. Are we already doing that?

  17. actor212

    [re=608663]mookworthjwilson[/re]: Have you seen the commercials? If that’s alive, kill me now!

  18. JMP

    [re=608646]Hart88[/re]: Heh; that one wasn’t too far off from the real thing, because I guess scaring old people out of their money must be easy; or at least these companies think it is. My favorites were the Colonial Penn Insurance ads with Ed McMahon, that started with the old women talking too each other, “Did you hear what happened to Agnes? She went bankrupt paying for her husbands’ funeral because he didn’t have life insurance!”

    Then there’s the LifeAlert thing; while they’ve dropped the infamous “I’ve fallen – and I can’t get up!”, they still have ads that say any old person without LifeAlert will fall, break their hip and slowly starve to death, alone and unable to call for help.

  19. MissyLissa

    The only response to anything related to Foghorn Leghorn Thompson is the classic Law and Order question, “Is this because I’m a lesbian?”

  20. Jim89048

    At least Publisher’s Clearing House only set the olds back a few $$$ worth of stamps.

  21. Miriam 525

    I’m an old and they can’t fool me. Nothing says fraud like a totally washed up “star” pushing some kind of fly-by-night financial plan. Next we’ll get “Walnut” McCain hawking payday loans.

  22. tribbzthesquidz

    I hope Fred has to someday drive his big stupid red truck to the title-loan place so he can afford his medz or whatever. May he also get behind on payments and run the interest tab a coupla thousand percentage points over the original loan amount. Then, may he feel fuckered and suckered by his own doingz.
    Alas…

  23. FMA

    This pisses me off. Now that thieves have stolen old people’s pensions and savings, they are going after the only tangible thing of any real worth they have. This sort of shit should be illegal. Instead, it’s the GOP’s Social Security plan.

    Sorry about that. I’ll try to make up for it by saying that the ad would be much more enjoyable and credible if Dipshit McGoo, or McGee, were accompanied by his wife, you know, the one with the rack. The olds like boobies.

  24. JMP

    [re=608713]MissyLissa[/re]: To which the response should be, “No, it’s because leaving for an inferior show filmed in New York meant we never got a proper ending for Det. Kate Lockley’s story, or any answer to how Angel was able to save you from the suicide attempt when you had never invited him in.”

  25. MarSF

    [re=608684]JMP[/re]: Don’t forget Wilford Brimley and his Diabeetus supplies that never stop coming, straight to your door. If you run out of test strips, your feet might rot off.

  26. Jim89048

    [re=608723]Miriam 525[/re]: But I just saw the freaking Fonz hawking reverse mortgages on the TeeVee. We can trust the Fonz, can’t we?

  27. chaste everywhere

    [re=608662]MarieDeGournay[/re]: Another week, another rulership by MDeG. You’ve even got me searching for your namesake’s books. Are any of them in print? Are you she, reincarnated? Or Jenny Diski, perhaps?

  28. Nappied Hypotenuse

    Jack, in future plz tag all Thompson-related entries with Dipshit McGoo. Remember, the Library of Congress is saving this for posterity.

  29. Lazy Media

    [re=608734]FMA[/re]: Hey, as the 48-year-old “child” of a 74-year-old, cancer-terminal parent, I say FUCK the children. Spend every nickel, olds. If you can’t get money out of your house any other way, then reverse-mortgage like a motherfucker.

    Like I tell my mother; die broke and have the check to the undertaker bounce.

    (Of course, she’s all “It’s going to the grandkids’ college funds.”)

  30. DustBowlBlues

    G**dammit! I didn’t realize Fred Thompson was a douche.

    {scratching head while debating whether someone among the wonkeratti is so stupid that I need to explain this is sarcasm so I don’t generate a long, long reply detailing examples of fat bastard’s douchbaggery}

    Nah. No one who reads wonkette can be that retar–oops, that specially abled.

  31. chaste everywhere

    [re=608738]JMP[/re]: Aw, Angel saved Kate because, because . . . I don’t know, he had to, that’s all, otherwise she wouldn’t have been there to hear him speak the greatest line in the history of the show, and possibly in the entirety of Western civilization. (“If nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do,” of course.)

  32. Rotundo

    Ah, he’s on the slippery slope now gang. Next up, diabetes supplies and finally, Fred Thompson autograph series colostomy bags! With little stars and bars flags on them and stuff!

  33. DustBowlBlues

    Shit. I look at Hardball, and there’s some cross eyed woman doing a political ad for herself shooting taxes with what is a Tommy Gun, according to Chrissie. WTF? She must be in Arizona. Those desert freaks are so inventive. Our lege has to steal all their ideas, since okies are evidently too stupid to think up this shit on their own.

    Uh, where were we?

  34. slappypaddy

    [re=608628]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: well, shit, just toss it in with the national debt, then, it’ll be keeping good company (if somewhat overwhelmed).

  35. slappypaddy

    [re=608684]JMP[/re]: “they still have ads that say any old person without LifeAlert will fall, break their hip and slowly starve to death, alone and unable to call for help.”

    but the kittens shall be grateful, for they shall not quickly starve (though the meat may be tough and stringy).

  36. Can O Whoopass

    “Hah y’all, Ah’m Fred Thompson an’ Ah died 12 years ago. Neil Bush opened a can of Ol’ Roy and revived me. While Ah was daid, Ah had a summit wid Saint Reagan an Gorbechev who advased me ta steal as much as Ah can, ya heah? Cause there ain’t notin’ more sexy than babes like Gubbner Brewer livin’ in dere cars, bangin’ Jose da Plumber for a snort of Advair.”

  37. JMP

    [re=608876]chaste everywhere[/re]: I figured Kate was probably technically dead, for a bit, like with how Kendra got called as a Slayer; but whatever the reason, it was never explained, and all because Kate left for the show that wrote her our because she was a lesbian.

  38. Rocky in Texas said...

    Grifter palin will be doing this shit in a couple years…

    and then it’s on to $5.00 blow jobs in Juarez after that!

    That’s $5.00US, not pesos!

  39. NYNYNY

    I just finished Thompson’s book “Teaching the Pig to Dance”- it’s actually a very dark and sobering story about the non-consensual relationship he had with a pig in the summer of ’58. It is not light reading.

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