USE THE LIGHT BUT SHED NO LIGHT  2:41 pm June 29, 2010

WONKETTE EXCLUSIVE: The Alvin Greene Interview

by Jack Stuef

The sage does not distinguish between himself and the world; the needs of other people are as his own. He is good to those who are good; he is also good to those who are not good,<br />
thereby he is good. He trusts those who are trustworthy; he also trusts those who are not trustworthy, thereby he is trustworthy.Reporters who have made the pilgrimage to the humble home of South Carolina Democratic nominee for U.S. Senate Alvin Greene have noted how often his phone rings. And how often he answers it, even for members of the general public. You, yes you, after doing a simple Google search, can talk to a major party nominee for U.S. Senate. It’s just a small part of the political revolution that is Alvin Greene. Now your Wonkette has called him, and we have recorded the interview, and you can listen to it.

But please do not listen to it. Your writer called Alvin Greene for the past few days, but he was not able to get through. He gave up. He lost faith, that quickly, in our country’s political messiah. What a cynic! And when he surprisingly got through to Mr. Greene today, he was a complete asshole and couldn’t get past his assholishness to ask any important questions, such as about the Dao. Snark has no place when one is talking to great men.

What you need to know from this interview:

  • Alvin Greene made a website!

  • He wouldn’t say how he made a website, but it has something to do with wei wu wei.

  • Alvin Greene will move to D.C. after he wins the election, because he cares about the people. He will return humbly to his monastic life in South Carolina on the weekends and during breaks.

  • He is not thinking about the presidency yet (nor should he, as it will come to him through the Dao naturally). He thinks Obama is doing “okay.”

  • Jack Stuef is an asshole.

There you go! You know what? Do listen to this interview. And remark on what a pale comparison of a human being your Wonkette writer is to a wise, generous man like Alvin Greene.


Hola wonkerados.

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AnnieGetYourFun June 29, 2010 at 2:44 pm

I feel bad making fun of shortbus kids. Even if they are sexual predators.

slithytoves June 29, 2010 at 2:49 pm

That interview remiinds me of my favorite quotes from the Tao- “The one who speaks does not know…”

slithytoves June 29, 2010 at 2:52 pm

Oaky – “one of my favorite.” See what I mean?

Terry June 29, 2010 at 2:54 pm


Yeah, me, too. Like shooting fish in a barrel, basically. No sport in it.

claytor June 29, 2010 at 2:54 pm

Who is sitting behind him trying to feed him lines? And which side does he work for?

Dashboard_Buddha June 29, 2010 at 2:54 pm

“Making sure punishment fits the crime” -LOLZ Hey…if showing porn to a co-ed is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

SayItWithWookies June 29, 2010 at 2:57 pm

He’s not thinking about the presidency? The less he thinks about it, the less he wants it. The less he wants it, the more eligible he is for it.

Neilist June 29, 2010 at 2:58 pm

This is too depressing. We need another topic. How about “Sexy Time Russian Spies Next Door”? Oooooooh, Yeah, Babyiski! Make me betray my country!!!!!!!

dannygutters June 29, 2010 at 2:58 pm

….ANNNND America!

wfzimmerman June 29, 2010 at 3:00 pm

Tough sledding having to introduce yourself as from “Wonkette.” Just say “political blog.”

Geocities? Really? They closed down in October 2009.

He should be able to stay in one of those fancy Republican Bible townhouses.

Alvin’s pretty good at ending interviews.

MarieDeGournay June 29, 2010 at 3:00 pm

Wow, just wow.

Sharkey June 29, 2010 at 3:01 pm

Okay, Jack, who put you up to this? I know you – you’re too nice to go and do this nasty thing by yourself.

Chain Tattoo June 29, 2010 at 3:01 pm

Isn’t Alvin one of those annoying chipmunks?

AnnieGetYourFun June 29, 2010 at 3:02 pm

[re=608659]Neilist[/re]: Now that’s one story that will actually kep my glued to the TV, should they ever report any actual info on it.

facehead June 29, 2010 at 3:06 pm

Asking “where” Wonkette is … he’s so metaphysical.

And Stuef, sometimes you can’t ask how a website came to be, sometimes it just is. I mean, if Wonkette called Alvin Greene and no one heard it, would Jim Newell attain Ginger-Nirvana?

Of course.

Ken Layne June 29, 2010 at 3:06 pm

[re=608667]Sharkey[/re]: You don’t know the half of it.

DustBowlBlues June 29, 2010 at 3:07 pm

Listen and weep, Matt Taibi, Rolling Stone Traitor and Lara “Luv a General” Logan: This is REAL journalism.

SmutBoffin June 29, 2010 at 3:07 pm

Not the ugliest website ever, but definitely the least informative.

Ninong June 29, 2010 at 3:08 pm

Check out the two interview clips he (or someone) actually posted to his official campaign website:

Troubledog June 29, 2010 at 3:11 pm

Jack, stick to writing. You’re a lousy phone troll.

hey June 29, 2010 at 3:12 pm

Great website! I almost “joined” just so I could be part of the change for South Carolina and the United States of America.
Best part: under “Press”, he posts two videos of interviews: one from ABC, one from what seems a local channel, where he looks either drugged or moronic.
Run, Alvin, run!

x111e7thst June 29, 2010 at 3:16 pm

Creating without regard to result,
claiming nothing,
the Sage has nothing to lose.

dex June 29, 2010 at 3:18 pm

did this interview give you the munchies, jack?

facehead June 29, 2010 at 3:18 pm

[re=608683]hey[/re]: I beg to differ, the best part of the site is the “Issues” part. There are exactly three issues important to Alvin Greene (why bite off more than you can chew?).

user-of-owls June 29, 2010 at 3:20 pm

Said it before and I’ll say it again:

Alvin Greene is no Taoist. He’s a Jainian. And not only that, he’s the 25th Jina.

RoscoePColtraine June 29, 2010 at 3:23 pm

He’s “For” so many things that I’m for! Good paying jobs, and better education facilities. He passes the test!

Oh, and he’s also “For” making punishments fit the crime. Who hasn’t found themselves on the wrong side of the law and had the same thought!

Ted Kennedy Breakdancing June 29, 2010 at 3:24 pm

[re=608664]wfzimmerman[/re]: That’s what made the Geocities line so goddamned funny. I immediately visited the website. It is marvelous. Here is the issues page, none of these are links:

JobsCreating Good Paying Jobs for South Carolinians:

Improving Transportation and Infrastructure
Implementing Alternative Forms of Energy
EducationBetter education for our children:

More Parental Involvement
Better Facilities

Making sure the punishment fits the crime

Thats the whole fucking shebang. I love this guy.

Godless Liberal June 29, 2010 at 3:27 pm

Wow, he sure did build that site using Yahoo! Site Solution, holy shit.

Barrelhse June 29, 2010 at 3:27 pm

He sounds rather astute, I must say. Especially on that last one.

WindbagCity June 29, 2010 at 3:27 pm

wu wei- WOOO!!

gurukalehuru June 29, 2010 at 3:29 pm

I just realized how Alvin Greene can win, for real.
Now listen, Alvin, here’s the plan: Turn to Jesus. Turn to Jesus hard. Praise Jesus at every opportunity. If people ask you how you feel about taxes, abortion, guns, whatever, you swear, you swear loud like in church that you will pray before every vote and listen to that sweet, heavenly voice in your head. If people ask what you think about global warming, you say God has a plan. If people say where did you get the $10,000 for the filing fee, you tell ‘em Jesus gave it to you.

Now, I’m sure your opponent is a god fearing Christian man, Alvin, but everybody loves Jesus and if he talks to you directly, people will love you more than Jim DeurinalMint, and you will be the next Senator from whichever Carolina it is you’re from.

qaf June 29, 2010 at 3:31 pm

[re=608645]slithytoves[/re]: Caution, teh stupid is contagious.

chascates June 29, 2010 at 3:33 pm

And sooon this interview will be on his site in ‘The Newsroom’ section. Paul and Angle must be behind this guy as he makes them seem like Churchill.

ithasatilde June 29, 2010 at 3:33 pm

A++++, would buy from again, etc. I hereby nominate this interview for a Daytime Emmy.

Ducksworthy June 29, 2010 at 3:34 pm

Unfortunately, the online donation clicky doesn’t seem to be operational.

Additionally, a 410 Gone error was encountered while trying to use an ErrorDocument to handle the request.

Come on Alvin, you’re missing out on millions!

slappypaddy June 29, 2010 at 3:34 pm

conclusions to be drawn from interview:

1. alvin greene is a thoughtful man, one thought at a time.

2. south carolina and the united states of america are two separate countries, but we’ve known that for a while.

3. lara logan is at this very moment on the hotline to the pentagon, calling in airhead strikes on wonkettia.

4. jack stuef is a butterfly dreaming he is a wonketteer dreaming he is jack stuef dreaming he is a butterfly dreaming.

saggyboobedhag June 29, 2010 at 3:35 pm

What? Where at? WHERE? What?

Geogre June 29, 2010 at 3:37 pm

On the Justice graphic of The Issues, Justice has huge balls. At Alvin Greene, I mean.

Oh, and Comic Sans says you’re serious.

I feel bad.

Alvin should just say, “He’s mean. I’m not.” That’s the truth.

Tommmcatt June 29, 2010 at 3:38 pm

Jack honey, we don’t know you very well, but you should know that that bullet point five is pretty much red flag to a bull for most commenters here. I’m a little shocked nobody has taken that and run with it already, in fact. It’s probably a testament to a growing feeling of affection that it hasn’t been.

Still… forewarned is forearmed.

BlueStateLiberal June 29, 2010 at 3:39 pm

[re=608709]gurukalehuru[/re]: It worked for Dubya didn’t it? The guy rarely attended actual Church services, but he had the Jesus part down pat. You’re a genius.

Sgt. Biyatch June 29, 2010 at 3:40 pm

I personally believe that U.S. South Carolinians are unable to talk good because, some people out there in our state don’t have books, and I believe that our education like such as South Carolina and the Iraq, everywhere like such as, should help South Carolina and should help the Iraq so we will be able to build up our future. Also.

GOPCrusher June 29, 2010 at 3:42 pm

I only made it to 1:47. It was too painful to go on.

ZombieRichardFeynman June 29, 2010 at 3:43 pm

I didn’t know whether to be more embarrassed for Jack or for Alvin. I think Jack came off a bit worse.

Davidwatts June 29, 2010 at 3:45 pm

“Have you, uh, looked at sublets or anything?”


Oldskool June 29, 2010 at 3:46 pm

Haha, Alvin will not be taking the bait. Now or in the future. He is a Champion of the People.

Srsly, he’ll get 35% of the vote just because he’s a sincere guy and can’t be pissed off. And he deserves every percent.

Ducksworthy June 29, 2010 at 3:48 pm

OK Alvin! Good news for the you TBI baiting wretches. Alvin has got a Paypal account linked to the donate clicky. Here’s a tip Al. You can get the Paypal Donate button and put it on your site so its a nice big yellow DONATE.

Ducksworthy June 29, 2010 at 3:52 pm

Al You da Man! You’ve got the paypal donate button! I think this is going to be a real money maker for you. Good luck!

RoscoePColtraine June 29, 2010 at 4:01 pm

Will there be debates? Can we get Colbert to moderate? Imagine, not knowing where the satire begins or ends.

Papas got a brand new teabag June 29, 2010 at 4:02 pm

Jack I keep hearing your computer chime at your throughout the interview. do you use Woof!?

babyeinstein June 29, 2010 at 4:02 pm

you know, ima play devil’s advocate here for a second and say that jack has no reason to be ashamed of himself for this. the man is running for public office. would you guys think it was shameful if jack had phone-trolled rick barber? this is a dude who refuses to define his platforms, refuses to explain himself to the public, potentially sexually harassed some random college student, and, honestly, seems like he’s maybe a little rude. so why is he off-limits to wonkette harassment? because we feel BAD for him? his IQ is probably about on par with all the other assclowns on whom wonkette has so viciously and delightfully ranked, so why are we rushing to this dude’s defense?

(i guess one could argue that greene is probably much more harmless than most of the people holding the reins here in DC. BUT STILL.)

hiphophitler June 29, 2010 at 4:11 pm

OK, we absolutely MUST get this guy elected. Just think, Alvin Greene stories every week from 2010 through 2016!!

Maus June 29, 2010 at 4:12 pm

[re=608782]babyeinstein[/re]: Rock on. I consistently hear these “HE IS SINCERE GUISE” claims, step back and re-check my assumptions, then realize he’s a prick on top of being stupid and feel more comfortable.

STOP BEING PISSY-PANTS OVER HIM BECAUSE HE’S A DEM. He’s insincere and stupid. We’re judging him on his nonexistent merits, not on his class.

GreenHalo June 29, 2010 at 4:14 pm

If you listen closely, and have achieved enlightenment, he’s actually saying, “What kind of helmet-kid asshole would bury a simple audio recording under ten tons of Flash pigshit? I don’t even have caller I.D. and I know The Way of mp3, which, by the way, is good enough for the BBC and Democracy Now. You know not The Way. I’mma break a hardwood walking stick over a nigga’s head.”

But it’s like Biden; people zoom in on the dirty word and miss everthing else.

the problem child June 29, 2010 at 4:14 pm

The paypal links to a hotmail account. That account includes Alvin Greene’s name with no numbers or symbols or dots or dates or anything. This tells me that his is a long, looong, loooooong-time hotmail user. Shows a certain, shall we say, stubbornness.

Hallux Valgus June 29, 2010 at 4:18 pm

the best parts of his website are the multiple links to his website. On. His. Website.

Noonan June 29, 2010 at 4:24 pm

At my high school, the class once voted to nominate a fat, antisocial goth type girl to the homecoming court. Everyone thought that was good enough for laughs and then it would end there. Then, lo and behold, when the final votes were tallied, the fat, antisocial goth type wins the whole shebang and is crowned homecoming queen. And it all just started as a big set up.

I don’t think I’m alone in hoping this plays out the same way.

Sgt. Biyatch June 29, 2010 at 4:26 pm

Getting lost in all of this is the fact that Alvin Greene has a degree in political science from the state’s flagship university, the University of South Carolina. GO GAMECOCKS!

Maus June 29, 2010 at 4:36 pm

[re=608811]Sgt. Biyatch[/re]: “Getting lost in all of this is the fact that Alvin Greene has a degree in political science from the state’s flagship university”

Seriously? Hrm. That’s slightly more sensible, at least.

notreallyhelping June 29, 2010 at 4:41 pm

[re=608810]Noonan[/re]: Yeah, but…then they drop the blood…on him…during the swearing-in…ceremony, and the shit really…hits…the fan. Thanks.

groove June 29, 2010 at 4:44 pm

Ahahahaha! My favorite part was his answer to the question about hypothetically being picked to be commander in Afghanistan. “I was only a specialist, jackass.”

Or at least that’s how it sounded to me.

Wookieonendor June 29, 2010 at 4:50 pm

My brain hurts. Make him stop, make him stooooop!

doxastic June 29, 2010 at 4:52 pm

Saw the Alvin Greene tweet-response, and was honestly impressed by his good humor. This is Confuscianism I can believe in.

Bianchi Bob June 29, 2010 at 4:52 pm

Guy’s still way smarter than Dubya.


bunnyhead June 29, 2010 at 5:05 pm

Degree in Political Science from the University of South Carolina AND is a United States Air Force and United States Army Veteran who has served for thirteen years of honorable service. Isn’t that more cred that GW Bush had when he ran for POTUS? (other than lame Gov. of TX)

Bet GW Bush could not make a website, either

Dave J. June 29, 2010 at 5:09 pm

LOL at the Geocities reference.

ArugulaTeleprompterz June 29, 2010 at 5:18 pm

Still a better choice than DeMint. I’d vote for him.

DonkeyPants June 29, 2010 at 5:18 pm

“Geocities.” “What?!” “Political blog.” “What?!” This is more painful than watching Palin talking about fiscal policy.

libwakman June 29, 2010 at 5:26 pm

Alvin Greene he’s our man
If he can’t mumble, no one can.

Jack Stuef June 29, 2010 at 5:28 pm

[re=608781]Papas got a brand new teabag[/re]: That is the secret Wonkette IM thing. I was surprised he actually picked up. I forgot to turn things off.

Jack S.
that video looks perfectly bad
like a tea party exclusive

Ken L.
hahahah i tried to make it super shitty
/which was easy with the 2005 edition of windows movie maker
the shitty production sort of takes some of the edge of your cruel behavior

Cicada June 29, 2010 at 5:58 pm

That was the auditory equivalent of watching water flow over an unchanging stone.

Sharkey June 29, 2010 at 6:34 pm

[re=608888]Jack Stuef[/re]: Did Ken threaten to call your mom and tell her where you REALLY work?

Trinkett June 29, 2010 at 6:42 pm

Jack, you sound like a ginger.

Bearbloke June 29, 2010 at 6:46 pm

Jack Stuef is an asshole.

Potater June 29, 2010 at 6:53 pm

Click Here For More Information

Sorry, the page you requested was not found.

bozofish June 29, 2010 at 7:31 pm

[re=608801]the problem child[/re]:
And a pre-Microsoft “love me long time” love of porn…They didn’t originally call it “hotmail” for nothing.

Bearbloke June 29, 2010 at 7:32 pm

“Who is sitting behind him trying to feed him lines? And which side does he work for?”

The Romulans….

Bearbloke June 29, 2010 at 7:35 pm

[re=608727]Tommmcatt[/re]: [re=608946]Bearbloke[/re]:
someone had to say it, Mate… t’was bound to happen…

mostly corn June 29, 2010 at 8:17 pm

Well fuck it, he’s got my vote.

I live in Illinois, but still, he’s got my vote.

Tommmcatt June 29, 2010 at 8:35 pm

[re=608967]Bearbloke[/re]: I did warn him. I care dammit.

This this will get me a little action?

Hagop June 29, 2010 at 10:25 pm

I finally know how to pronounce ‘Steuf’.

MsQuasimodo June 30, 2010 at 12:47 am

[re=608820]Maus[/re]: Consider that maybe Greene’s college career is more distinguished than that dingbat Sarah Palin’s, which is a pretty low bar – did he only attend the one university? How many years did it take him to finish? At least he majored in political science, and maybe had a higher GPA than the snowbilly grifter.

I think Jack Steuf was very nice to him, polite, did/said nothing wrong or disrespectful. Greene’s somehow part of this prolonged SC kabuki play in a way Trig is a prop for his unfortunate mother – both exploited and used by others more sophisticated than they are and should be ashamed of themselves, but are incapable of shame. Although Greene is an adult with responsibility for his part in this; Trig is not. Also, too.

jennx June 30, 2010 at 1:03 am

You should feel dirty about this, Jack.

NYNYNY June 30, 2010 at 1:04 am

Jack Stuff could eat no muff,
his wife could eat no peen,
and so between the two of them,
were piles of magazines

Beanball June 30, 2010 at 1:38 am

[re=608888]Jack Stuef[/re]: OK, hotshot. You think you’re a reporter?

Get this man’s transcripts from the U of South Carolina. (Lie to the registrar’s office. Tell them you’re a Real Journalist™.)

The Way of the Tao may be empty, but even some of us existentialist Wonkettes need real facts from time to time.


thefrontpage June 30, 2010 at 9:43 am


mjm June 30, 2010 at 2:36 pm

Loved the “why do you think 40% voted against you?” question.

librulabortionlover June 30, 2010 at 3:01 pm

[re=608798]Maus[/re]: BOOM.

Lawndarts June 30, 2010 at 5:20 pm

Good stuff Stuef!

Roach July 2, 2010 at 10:29 am

He needs an entourage.

lawrenceofthedesert July 6, 2010 at 12:25 pm

Sounds like Mr. G. needs a new headset.

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