Just days after Barack Obama took his “solid and reliable partner” Dmitry Medvedev out for hamburgers in Arlington, the Justice Department announced the breakup of a major Russian spy ring operating right there in Northern Virginia — as well as in New York, New Jersey and Massachusetts. The spies were so deeply embedded in the United States (and each other) that many of them were paired off to have children and live as yuppie families. They even did their information exchanges using wirelessly networked laptops at coffee houses. If only the 11 spies had grown fat and covered themselves in tattoos and constantly threatened to kill the president and blow up Congress, nobody would’ve ever noticed them.
What were they trying to do over the 15 or so years the Russian intelligence operation functioned clandestinely in the United States? Something about “influencing policy” and “nuclear arms,” so basically whatever it is the think tanks are doing. Who runs those think tanks anyway?
Also, the hard-ass Russian spies turned into house-obsessed freaks like every other power couple on the Eastern Seaboard:
The New York Times describes one secret-agent couple as they follow the same dreary path as so many other professional married people who eventually give up their city apartment for the perceived “good life” in a fancy suburb:
As the years went by, that arrangement sometimes led to friction, the complaint said, citing an acrimonious exchange of encrypted messages between a pair of alleged agents living under the names Richard and Cynthia Murphy. The couple, who have allegedly operated in the United States since the mid-1990s, decided in 2008 to move from an apartment in Hoboken to a house in Montclair, N.J. — leading to an argument over whether they or the S.V.R. would own it.
The agents eventually dropped the argument, writing: “We are under the impression that C. views our ownership of the house as a deviation from the original purpose of our mission here. We’d like to assure you that we do remember what it is. From our perspective, purchase of the house was solely a natural progression of our prolonged stay here. It was a convenient way to solve the housing issue, plus to ‘do as the Romans do’ in a society that values home ownership.”
Sure, and all those hours watching HGTV and visiting open houses long after they’d bought one of their own? Pure research, to find out what drives the American Elitist Power Structure. Did Moscow expect these people to live like common tenants after all they’d been through? Any idea how hard it is to get a jumbo mortgage in this borrowing climate? Jesus, just stop being such Stalinists and let us do our job …. [NYT/Telegraph]
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And what’s with that Russian east coast bias? What, no one makes policy in San Francisco?
“My name is Sydney Bristow….”
Consumer, Homeowner, Trading Spaces, Spy.
CODED MESSAGE TO SPIES – IN SOVIET RUSSIA, HOUSE OWNS YOU.
[re=608109]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Hahahahah, somewhere John LeCarre is weeping.
[re=608110]Tybalt[/re]: No, that’s in America.
So these couples were paired by the KGB and assigned the mission of getting married, and having kids together? They should have gone Hollywood with it. I can totally see “Who wants to marry a KGB agent?”
What! No microfilm in watermelons? No cryptic scissoring of Jello boxes? Good Christ, everyone living in North Jersey should be suspect of something. Because I am a larva from the Great Independent State of South Jersey. Where there are no anti-missile missiles. Swear to fucking God. And the Pineys aren’t terrorists. They’re just uniquely American.
You just know that the research staffs of Beck and Hannity will be up ALL night digging for evidence that Fannie Mae financed the house and/or that there once was an ACORN-led voter registration drive in that neighborhood.
Somewhere in Bishkek a couple of American spies are guffawing at the pussy-ass assignments their Russian counterparts are given.
Secret Russian agents were assigned to live as married couples in the United States, even having children who were apparently unaware of their parents’ true identities.
Jeez, that was the plot of a River Phoenix-Sidney Poitier movie back in the ’80s. Soon to be remade with Robert Pattinson and oh, Bruce Willis? Sure, Bruce Willis, why not.
They were just trying to do with AIPAC does every day.
“It was so far not clear what their intelligence reports were about and whether it succeeded in stealing any state secrets of major value. The defendants were charged with crimes like failing to register as an agent of a foreign government and money laundering – not the more serious offense of espionage. There is no allegation in the court documents that any of the defendants obtained classified materials.”
So basically, 11 Russians got their government to pay for them to emigrate to the States and live the good life in exchange for encrypting occasional Politico-cribbed tidbits into their vacation photos posted on Facebook. Bravi.
[re=608118]user-of-owls[/re]: Those aren’t guffaws; someone is just driving several old donkeys past their plywood shack.
What Russian civilian would say no to a spy gig? It’s probably a hundred times better than any job you can get in Russia, plus you don’t have to live in friggin Russia.
“In Russia, hamburgers eat YOU!”
Thank you! Thank you! Stan McCrystal’s the name; comedy’s the game!
Hey, right if you get work, okay! I got a much of aides who “retired” about the same time I did, and the Muhammads who own the local 7/11s won’t hire them!
[I can't believe I was the first one to get to the "In Russia . . ." joke. Or alleged joke. Whatever.]
Russia can still afford spies? I demand Medved buy his own damned order of fries, in future. Of all the nerve.
Obviously Dmitry gave them up in exchange for the burger and fries — and also even the russkies are looking to cut waste, like NJ real estate.
If sarah palin would keep her dumb ass home where she belongs…
these “Ruskies” never would have slid on by!
unless they dressed up as a pipeline!
[re=608110]Tybalt[/re]: You keep stealing my material, and you’ll be doing your “act” on the “diving board” at “The Gitmo Club.”
Stan “The Comedy Man” McCrystal
Coming Soon To A Venue Near You!
C/o The Base Exchange/O Club Talent Agency
E Ring
The Pentagon [Five Sides Of COMEDY!]
It’s a shame Ken didn’t use the version of the story that I tipped: if you go to Salon’s breaking news release on it, and scroll down, you’ll see that Ol’ Hopey was gloating, just three days ago, about how Mission Accoplished, resetting-relations-with-Russia-wise.
I mean, he was right, but only because “Resetting relations with Russia back to 1980″ is also a type of “Resetting relations with Russia”, it ends up.
Me. Even communists need more living space at some point in order to put the state-subsidized cat litter in the basement rather than the guest bedroom.
Natasha we capture Moose and squirrel after we take out 30 year mortgage and become Jersey power couple.
Also part of the “do as the Romans do”/”pure research”:
$3500 charge on KGB credit card for lesbian-bondage-themed nightclub.
That arrest in the Grand Central Station bathroom.
$29.97 in donations to SarahPAC.
“Thes collors dont run” tattooed across clavicle.
Nipple piercings.
Big fucking riding lawnmower, in anticipation of future purchase of lawn.
Trucknutz for said lawnmower.
Existential despair (2001-2009).
Level 80 Female Night Elf Rogue, “Champion of the Naaru,” with Swift Razzashi Raptor mount and awesome gear.
Adultery, divorce, swift remarriage to younger covert agent.
If they had really wanted to blend in and influence policy, they should have joined the Tea Klux Klan.
The Ruskies are patient, these folks doin’ the deed 15 years or so. Hell, with Kim Philby the KGB waited decades.
We ‘Mericans can’t wait 15 days. Given the red, white, and blue idea of foreplay is “brace yourself Bridget,” it is not surprising that we run in to problems getting good human asset spook poop. Things haven’t changed much since Alan Dulles’ day, ‘ceptin’ the techie stuff.
[re=608138]memzilla[/re]: Why not buy some shares in News Corp? Anyone who does that becomes “one of the good guys”.
Who was the American president who devoted the largest percentage of the executive budget to espionage? Anybody?
General Stanley McCrystal, U.S. Army (ret.) reporting for Comedy Duty!
Let the humor begin! One! Two! Three! Four!
I won’t believe it till Medvedev tweets about it.
[re=608145]ella[/re]: Speaking of Medvedev’s twitter account, I don’t think I need to remind anyone that I totes called this little news item, like, a week ago, right here on our Wonkette.
[re=608147]mumblyjoe[/re]: You’re right! Twitters is Numbers Stations!!!
OT: Didja hear the one about Wingnut Woodstock being cancelled with only 2 weeks notice because, gosh darn it, Las Vegas it too hot in July, and well, we want to go on vacation instead….
Blah, blah, blah. In other words everybody just plain bailed on them.
[re=608143]Del Lord[/re]: That’s easy – Calvin Coolidge. It’s how he financed our secret war in Denmark.
Never heard of that? See, it worked.
[re=608149]Joshua Norton[/re]: Vegas probably didn’t have enough time to import more Rascals to rent out to all the Tea Baggers. Or stock up all the all-you-can-eat buffets.
[re=608120]chascates[/re]: I was thinking they were actually double-nought spies for Israel, myself.
[re=608154]imissopus[/re]: Gahd. Could you imagine that crowd around an all-you-can-eat anything? It would be like a scene from “The Langoliers”. A person could lose an arm reaching for shrimp.
I think I saw those guys on “Househunters” – it was Season 6 Episode 3 “Busy Jersey Couple Spy Bigger Home for Growing Family”
I’ll trade ya an east coast Russian spy for any of these mid west teabaggers any day.
At least the spies kept a danged nice lawn.
[re=608154]imissopus[/re]: Shit, they rent those to able-bodied revelers on the strip. Who wants to walk from casino to casino? They’re deceptively far apart, being so much larger than life. Aside from the Eifel Tower, NYNY, that pyramid, etc.
[re=608152]Mahousu[/re]: They called him Silent Cal for a reason.
“They couldn’t have been spies,” Ms. Gugigi said. “Look what she did with the hydrangeas.”
Is this a great country or what.
You guys might want to dust off the “Ur Doin It Wrong” signs for this Guatemalan lawyer involved in murder-for-hire scheme.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/world/latin_america/10441808.stm
The Jersey spies were just one of the things that Putin hadn’t gotten around to telling Medvedev yet.
This is George W. Bush’s fault.
[re=608157]Joshua Norton[/re]: And woe be unto the poor illegal immigrant busboy who has to tell them when the restaurant runs out of anything.
[re=608162]Jim89048[/re]: That was kind of what I meant: they need enough Rascals to accommodate the Tea Baggers in addition to the able-bodied but drunken overgrown frat boys who like to rent those things.
To be fair the heat in Vegas in July is inhuman. I’m picturing a bunch of Tea Baggers hanging around the MGM Grand pool to cool off and now I need brain bleach.
[re=608136]BklynIlluminati[/re]:
I was waiting for the ‘Boris and Natasha’ reference; if anything ever screamed for it! Good job!.
Well that explains Michaele and Tareq Salahi.
The Russians know a thing or two about getting rid of commies. The teabaggers should sign ‘em up to help give Obama the heave ho. (I said “ho” on the internet.)
[re=608175]Big Liver[/re]: I am proud to say I invoked the genius of B & N on a Facebook post, where, alas, it may go unnoticed, and totally unrewarded, also. So B’lynIlliminati, good on ya.
[re=608143]Del Lord[/re]: It was me. Bet you never even heard about me being president!
As a youth I was trained to serve the goals of US imperialism. An important part of it included Saturday morning indoctrination featuring Boris and Natasha of the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show. Obviously, that shit paid off this week.
[re=608133]mumblyjoe[/re]: In Russia, news breaks You!!
[re=608161]rocktonsammy[/re]: In Russia, lawn keeps Spies!!
That many decades in US America and they had not turned themselves in? I bet Putin had rejected like a million requests for transfer back to Minsk.
The Seattle Times reports one of these Russian-spy couples lived in Seattle, WA.
I’m guessing their cover was blown over a dispute as to whether it was proper to patronize the neighborhood Starbucks after that capitalist running dog Howard Schultz blithely sold the Seattle SuperSonics to that asshole billionaire redneck who clearly intended to move them to Oklahoma City, and did so in a couple years.
I’m guessing they were screaming at each other in Russian, in front of the Starbucks, in Belltown, in the shadow of the Space Needle. These people (like Howard Schultz) deserve the death penalty.
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[re=608143]Del Lord[/re]: Lincoln?
These are the usual sort of spy, by the way — the non-dirty tricks plant. If they had been called “lobbyists” or “spokesmen,” we would have given them titles and put them on CNN nightly.
I like the cool techniques of transferring information. Our guys are boring — everything is high prime number encryption — but these people were using lemon juice invisible ink, pass drops, and our old friend from the 1990′s, the embedded pixels.
(Oh, and I would imagine that Hopey knew about this and discussed it with Medvedev before the burgers. Justice doesn’t announce spy busts without passing information up the line.)
[re=608214]Zorg[/re]: 4 8 15 16 23 42?
[re=608115]Serolf Divad[/re]:
Just wait until those kids move from Montclair, NJ, or Loudon County, VA, or wherever to a chilly little flat in Moscow. No pool, no gameboy, no sports car at 16, etc. Imagine the whining. THAT is when these spies will truly suffer.
Something just occurred to me. Did any of the articles about this name the ones who were living in Northern Virginia? Maybe it was those White House party crashers. Salehi’s or whatever there name is.
I was sad that the end of the Cold War meant no more secret Russian spies to worry about, just crazed religious fundamentalists. Thanks Putin for keeping my John Le Carre fantasy alive.
You do realize the FBI was thisclose in catching these jackasses with their specially trained counterintelligence operation, code named “This Old House”?
That Norm Abram is a master of disguise, so long as its flannel.
[re=608246]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: Le Carre started writing about plots of big pharma, the Russian mafia, and an out-of-control US after the cold war, anyway. He went a little loony toons, I think.
I just knew that the movie Revolutionary Road was about suburban commies.
Shouldn’t Sarah Palin have seen them coming from her house?
[re=608240]Terry[/re]: Wait a minute. If they had kids, then doesn’t that mean the kids get to stay if they want?
[re=608143]Del Lord[/re]: President Hitler?
[re=608234]mumblyjoe[/re]: 7381 4306!
If the FBI wanted to nab the biggest threat to national security and the US, he’s sitting at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave right now!
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