oh god john kerry's dumb face is making noise

Liveblogging the Elena Kagan Confirmation Hearings, Part II

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At this point, Kagan saw a cobra who was about to eat her JUST BEFORE her Supreme Court confirmation.Ken has apparently died [IT IS CALLED “LUNCH AFTER WRITING FOR SEVEN HOURS,” JACK — Ed.], so here is a part two, at last, to this boring, meaningless ceremonial affair. Right now John Kerry and Scott Brown are the first “witnesses,” here to introduce Kagan and pretend they know she will be a good judge and not try to rape everybody who comes in front of the Supreme Court. Right now we can officially call it: She WILL be confirmed, as Scott Brown is apparently the Robin to John Kerry’s boring confirmation Batman, and also Robert Byrd’s ghost will be wheeled in later and allowed to vote to confirm her.

3:48 PM — Scott Brown does not continue the fapping about how great his predecessor Ted Kennedy was, electing instead to honor Robert Byrd and—
3:51 PM — Kagan looks so sad and scared that Scott Brown introduced her but did not automatically endorse her. She must have switched off her burning bra quickly, as there is no fire.
3:51 PM — Leahy called her “Sister General.” Now she is speaking. LOOK, SHE CAN TALK, AFTER ALL THIS BUILDUP!
3:52 PM — Kagan leads off with Robert Byrd love. By the way, Ken somehow missed this, Byrd’s greatest legacy, earlier.
3:55 PM — Kagan discusses her parents now, who are dead and less important than Robert Byrd to her.
3:55 PM — Kagan thanks the female justices who went before her for “pioneering,” and says she often puts their names in when she plays Oregon Trail on her 1990s Macintosh.
3:59 PM — Fox cuts to a shot of Schumer, who looks like he’s in love. It must be the sound of someone talking smart-like in that New York accent, reminding him of his first and only love, himself.
4:00 PM — Kagan just giggled for some reason, but we missed why. Maybe she looked down at her silly giant clown buttons?
4:02 PM — Al Franken is about to fall asleep or else his eyebrows are about to shoot off his face.
4:03 PM — “I will make no pledges this week.” Alright! We can stop this now! You’re confirmed!
4:04 PM — She is done now with her speech. She said nothing but managed to not shit on liberty, instead PRAISING it, of all things.
4:05 PM — There is a giant woman with giant, long gray hair in the hug line. “Softball” “teammate,” “Kagan”?
4:07 PM — Kagan is smiling! She seems to like confirmation hearings and answering questions and being a good judge. INTERESTING TACTIC.
4:08 PM — SO MANY HUGS. SO. MANY. HUGS. And now she’s gone.
4:08 PM — And now everyone else is filing out. Longest liveblogging ever!
4:13 PM — In conclusion, Kagan was boring. And everything in this hearing was boring. This will all be boring. Nothing said will really be objectionable, unless a Republican says it, and then Kagan can just roll out her wife to sit behind her and cry, like Alito did, and everything will be done with. Goodnight, everyone!

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • tribbzthesquidz

    She is Mentok: The Miiiind Taker!

  • chascates

    “For the benefit of Senator Sessions I will now make some comments using a hand puppet who is named ‘Skeeter’.

  • getoffmylawn

    Can someone please photoshop Kagan’s power suit onto Bachmann, Palin or Haley? That’s Nikki Haley, not Haley Barbour.

  • OhBoy

    She is the chubbier female version of Tom Hulce of Animial House fame, n’est-ce pas ?

  • Clancy_Pants

    Paint dry yet?

  • Prommie

    You do have to admit, she does just scream mediocrity, striving, ass-kissing, apparatchik mediocrity. Another “bold” Obama decision. If by “bold” you mean “go with pre-compromised and blandly inoffensive (and throw a favor at the Clintonistas) and if anyone sqauwks, then bland it down further.”

    Obama is apparently an adherent of homeopathy, and is using similar methods in politics. His medicine is watered down to the 1 in 1 million level, at minimum. Talk about baby steps.

  • Radiotherapy

    Needs more, or even some, vuvuzelas.

  • actor212

    “Sister General” was the barely charted follow up by Night Ranger to “Sister Christian”.

  • JMP

    The sheer dullness of these hearings actually makes me nostalgic for the days of Jesse Helms in Judiciary. Sure, he was an evil racist piece of shit, but that made him entertaining; I can just imagine him now, “Miz Kagan, Ah have to assk; ah you a lez-bee-ann?”

  • weejee

    [re=607927]Radiotherapy[/re]: Really? With all the droning by the assembled droans you want more droning noise makers? How about we borrow Neilist’s M79 and fire a couple of canister rounds in there to see if anyone is awake?

  • Prommie

    [re=607924]Clancy_Pants[/re]: [re=607927]Radiotherapy[/re]: I’m pretty sure the vuvuzela is dry, dry and dusty.

  • progressiveinga

    [re=607928]actor212[/re]: Yeah, it took me a moment to realize that Leahy was slurring the word “solicitor”. Happy hour starts early inside the beltway, eh?

  • chascates

    All anyone can ever say in these hearings is “I can’t comment on hypothetical questions” and smile.

  • Anonymous Office Zombie

    No, actually this is Bryd’s greatest legacy.


  • TGY

    One generally takes off one’s bra before lighting it, but there’s no telling with these youngsters.

  • McDuff

    Sen. Sessions: “Kagan [insert wingtard bullshit].”

    Kagan: “Excuse me, Senator, but to quote a fried of yours, YOU LIE.”

    Just a dream, I know, but that would be TV worth watching.

  • weejee

    [re=607941]progressiveinga[/re]: Kagan is soliciting? Isn’t that illegal in the District?

  • Radiotherapy

    [re=607940]Prommie[/re]: [re=607939]weejee[/re]:Just one of those plastic bugles ripping thru the Byrd Memorial Senate Hearing Room would be pretty funny. Anything to bring some life to this show trial.

  • Neilist

    [re=607926]Prommie[/re]: “Another “bold” Obama decision.”

    You know, having just re-read the Rolling Stone article about McCrystal and Afghanistan, I think your post should be carved in granite someplace suitable for public viewing.

    Hopey voluntarily marched into a quamire that was not of his making, despite well-reasoned arguments to the contrary, when he could have called a “Spade A Bloody Fuckin’ Shovel” and pulled the plug on Our Latest Military Adventure.

    But Barry was too much of a pussy, and too afraid of the military and the Right Wing.

    Maybe O’Bama could benefit from a SMAWS or a LAWs or bazooka or whatever — or maybe a bit of a “backbone.”

  • Neilist

    [re=607939]weejee[/re]: “canister rounds in there to see if anyone is awake?”

    WP, Wee, Old Trout. Willy Peter will wake up ANYBODY.

    Good times. Good times.


    “Chicago! Chicago!”

  • actor212

    [re=607961]Neilist[/re]: Am I wrong, or are rent deposits in DC made in “backbone”?

  • weejee

    [re=607966]Neilist[/re]: Willie Pete, eh. It is getting near the 4th. Would OSHA require we give them all Raybans first to protect their eyes?

  • Jim89048

    [re=607927]Radiotherapy[/re]: In Kagan’s honor, that would be shofar. And they’re coming, just wait.

  • sezme

    [re=607944]Anonymous Office Zombie[/re]: Thanks for the context. Byrd’s legacy makes much more sense now.

  • Neilist

    [re=607980]actor212[/re]: I refuse to engage in a Reasoned Argument with you, or anyone else, on this topic.

    [I am, after all, Neilist. I have standards to maintain. However low those standards admittedly may be.]

    But to respond, albeit with the greatest difficulty, in a quasi-rational way: If you have not read the Rolling Stone article, I could not recommend it more highly. For me, the most Vomit-Inducing Comment was this one:

    Only Hillary Clinton receives good reviews from McChrystal’s inner circle. “Hillary had Stan’s back during the strategic review,” says an adviser. “She said, ‘If Stan wants it, give him what he needs.'”

    Secretary of State Colin Powell morphs to Secretary of State Condi Rice morphs to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.


  • Del Lord

    I hope she gets confirmed quickly so she starts wearing a robe. Her outfits… the hahrah… the hahrah…

  • Zadig

    [re=607980]actor212[/re]: That would explain the large number of tepid Dems who magically have principles again after leaving office.

  • Zadig

    [re=608031]Neilist[/re]: Will the quote be the same when he’s the lobbyist for/CEO of a military contractor? Probably.

  • user-of-owls

    Elena Kagan is the American Cheese of politics.

  • assistant/atlas

    [re=607914]chascates[/re]: Well done, sir. Jefferson Beauregard Sessions really is the ‘tard version of Jesse Helms.

  • bopumofu

    She look like Ayn Rand, but plumper from drinking fizzy drinks with corn sweetener.

  • Beanball

    Personally, I think Kagan is a neo-liberal (Wilsonian) time bomb.

    Seriously, I predict she will endorse the theory of the Unitary Executive, and the expansion of presidential “wartime” authority, as in Obama’s assassination of American citizens.

  • DangerousLiberal

    Jesus H. Christ. I remember, as a young whippersnapper, listening in my office to the Bork hearings, losing my fucking mind when Bork made plain that every Constitutional interpretation post Dred Scott was wrong and a sham, and how Plessy was right and Brown (and all the Browns, also) was wrong, and the old days were better days, etc. And then some aide would hand Strom Thurmond a question and he’d say “Judge Bohk,” and then rattle off something he didn’t remotely understand about the 14th Amendment and the incorporation doctrine. Good times, cause Bork was the ne plus ultra of nutjobs.

    Twenty three years later, we’re reduced to this (and future) horseshit? Yawn. Feel free to liveblog a cricket match, or the paint drying, or Palin thinking, or anything even remotely more interesting than this charade (and I am for her nomination–can you imagine if I opposed it–my head would turn on its pivot like Orrin Hatch’s and I would spit bile and constitutional originalism).

    Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I return you to your originally scheduled America.

  • villageatrois

    [re=607936]JMP[/re]: “nostalgic for the days of Jesse Helms in Judiciary”

    Helms would have called her Justice Licktwat, with all due respect.

  • olympia_Blowe

    how many Kagans do you have to do a day to maintain optimum tightness down there?

    i do like 40 a day