South Carolina Investigating Alvin Greene Under Assumption He Has Earthly Assets

U.S. Senate candidate Alvin Greene (D-Universe) has come under investigation from the South Carolina Law Enforcement Division (SLED), a fake-sounding state agency, to find out how he came up with the $10,440 filing fee he needed to run for the Democratic nomination for Senate. The agency will "use a new state law that allows the agency to issue an administrative subpoena to financial institutions," so apparently they believe Alvin Greene uses financial institutions, like some sort of Confucian.

When SLED realizes the universe provided Greene the $10,440 because he did not ask for it or desire it, the agency will realize its ignorance of The Way and kindly advise Jim DeMint to discontinue his ill-conceived attempt to defeat Alvin Greene in this election. Then SLED will return to its previous and correct form as a device that provides children simple wintertime enjoyment. [ The State ]