scam confirmations

Liveblogging the Elena Kagan Confirmation Hearings

She'll never be seen in anything but a black robe ever again.Are we really going to do this? Elena Kagan just walked in, hugged and kissed some ladies (?!) and some men (?!) and now Patrick Leahy is introducing everybody and explaining what’s happening. What is happening? Well, Senator Byrd died! Everybody’s so sad. Everybody’s so sad that it’s going to be impossible to really pay attention to this bullshit confirmation process.

12:32 PM — Did you know Robert Byrd could recite the Constitution? He could look at it, put it back in his pocket or wherever it goes (the Smithsonian?), and then just cold read it back to you, from his mind. All except the Thirteenth Amendment. Never could remember that one.
12:35 PM — Kagan clerked for Thurgood Marshall. Is that really so great, Pat? Didn’t Thurgood Marshall say something bad about the Original Constitution, just because it allowed blacks to be kept as property?
12:37 PM — Leahy sure likes to talk about the histories and the civil rights. Did he learn nothing from The Joker?
12:44 PM — And here’s gay Jeff Sessions lisping through his opening “serious concerns” nonsense.
12:45 PM — Oh my goodness, this lady worked with Justice Ginsburg, too? Well that is Soviet.
12:46 PM — She voted against a gun right??!?! Well, luckily she will just replace one of the four in “5-4.”
12:48 PM — Why is Elena Kagan against the American Revolution and its political pamphlet in the voting booth of Independence, Glenn Beck’s Common Sense.
12:49 PM — The real question is this: Can Kagan’s eyebrows rise, Belushi-like, until they literally climb right off her head?
12:52 PM — Oh look, Jack Stuef is apparently alive:

Jack S.
kagan looks hawt
Jack S.
“oh, i just rolled out of bed and into a pile of makeup, hi guys”
Ken L.
yeah i gotta get me one of those purple spacesuits
Ken L.
she needs the buzz lightyear helmet to finish off that outfit.

12:53 PM — Jeff Sessions is finished now, and can go back to his vanilla sperm shake.
12:54 PM — Haha Chris Matthews just listed all the crimes Elena Kagan has committed against America, according to Sessions: She’s an anti-military communist pro-negro academic.
12:59 PM — What we need now is for Code Pink to burst in, pushing Robert Byrd’s corpse in a flag-draped wheelchair.
1:05 PM — And that’s it? Lunchtime? Snack hour? Recess? Nap time?
1:12 PM — Will the Republicans filibuster? If so, says Dick Durbin, this proves forever that the Senate is a dead thing, as is America — a nation so crippled by stupidity and failure that it can’t even fill vacancies on its high court. (We paraphrase.)
1:18 PM — A filibuster would be a first for a Supreme Court confirmation. Come on, America, let’s do it!
1:25 PM — Fourth hearing in five years! It’s like the World Series of boredom.
1:25 PM — Women! How far they’ve come. But why so liberal?
1:26 PM — Feingold just wants everyone to know women are the only people actually making it through high school now, so every lawyer/judge/professor/doctor/smarty jones will be a woman by about 2013. Have you seen boys lately? Fat dumb sacks of shit can’t spell their own name, which is why their tattoos are all characters from Wii games or Oakland Raiders logos.
1:38 PM — And …. cut off again. Also, CSPAN? Why isn’t this on CSPAN? We’ve got CSPAN 1 and CSPAN 2 here in the Wonkette Offices. We’ve got the entire DirecTV news package, even Fox Business, and there’s no continuous live feed of the goddamned Supreme Court confirmation hearings? There’s a June 17 meeting from Longworth on the CSPAN Senate channel. What the hell, people?
1:44 PM — It’s Snarlin’ Arlen, “D-Pennsylvania.” Can you imagine sitting in this room all day? At least it’s air conditioned.
1:53 PM — Whoa who is this COMMUNIST who says “it’s okay to be liberal, it’s okay to be conservative. This is America.” OH IS IT? IS IT REALLY, Lindsey?
2:22 PM — Yeah and so much for that. Fox News is the only cable channel currently showing this snore party. Now Durbin’s trying to make jokes about her comment about the Federalist Society, and she just sits there as stone-faced as when Sessions was calling her Mao-Hitler-Stalin.
2:31 PM — Somebody want to sneak in a question about lesbianism? Here’s your in: “Supreme Court rules against Christian group that bars gays.” That just happened!
2:33 PM — “Chief Justice John Roberts and Justices Antonin Scalia, Clarence Thomas and Samuel Alito dissented.”

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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63 comments

  1. chascates

    And the Court just ruled that those Law School Fundies can’t keep out any LGBTs who want to play their reindeer games. That’ll get some attention.

    “Ms. Kagan, do you believe that Biblically-immoral people should be allow to trample real Americans rights?”

  2. germansteel

    I also heard that her softball batting average was a masculine sounding .380. Are we sure we’ve come that far? Maybe Jeff Sessions will fill us in on that.

  3. Prommie

    [re=607657]chascates[/re]: Sounds to me like they’re shoving it down the real american’s throats again. Does it to you?

  4. Katydid

    If Kagan is any kind of a good Jew, she’s thinking: “Jeff Sessions, may you fall into the outhouse just as a regiment of Ukrainians is finishing a prune stew and twelve barrels of beer.”

  5. chascates

    [re=607665]Prommie[/re]: Here in Texas we elect our state supreme court justices which explains a lot about Texas. But I wish old man Byrd was still there warbling.

  6. Come here a minute

    [re=607689]facehead[/re]: The confirmation hearings are just getting started; be patient!

  7. Tommmcatt

    Jack S.
    kagan looks hawt
    Jack S.
    “oh, i just rolled out of bed and into a pile of makeup, hi guys”
    Ken L.
    yeah i gotta get me one of those purple spacesuits
    Ken L.
    she needs the buzz lightyear helmet to finish off that outfit.

    Well meow meow meow meow MEOW, boys!

  8. chascates

    So did they ever confirm the head of TSA or the NIH or whatever the hell it was? Don’t we still have hundreds of vacancies because these fucktards place ‘super-secret’ holds so they’ll have to get stroked just so the government can function?

  9. NYNYNY

    Blingee’s just got a whole lot crappier. I prefer that, I hate all that moving flashing shit.

  10. charlesdegoal

    Those hearings sound at times like some PhD candidate being questioned by mediocre high school students – or a virtuoso violinist being auditioned by a college brass band.

  11. bfstevie

    Russ Feingold wants more midwesterners on the Court someday, but apparently he’s okay with there being a grossly disproportionate per centage of Jews.

  12. elenique

    I have a question for her; if there’s a woman on first and the batter hits the ball to the shortshop, where is the play?

  13. pinky tuscadero

    The Jews have the Talmud, David Foster Wallace has endnotes…. Jews get the concept on commentary on law… wait, Wallace isn’t Jewish… whatever

  14. ArugulaTeleprompterz

    It says right here in the upper left hand corner of this very Wonkette page, that CSPAN-3 will be playing the confirmation hearings LIVE and UNINTERRUPTED. CSPAN-3. Or possibly it’s on the Ocho?

  15. chascates

    [re=607714]karen[/re]: Wow, they’ve even archived some of Thomas’ & Scalia’s hearings. Freaky.

  16. Tommmcatt

    [re=607706]chascates[/re]:

    If by “liveblogging” you mean “typing things they already have decided about Kagan which have no relation to the actual proceedings into a webthingie that makes an irritating clickie-click sound” then yes, they are.

  17. bfstevie

    [re=607715]ArugulaTeleprompterz[/re]: Since earth mother Campbell Brown deserted the margins of Wonkette nobody looks there anymore.

  18. Oldskool

    She really needed to calmly lay a .45 on the table before things got going, in keeping with the spirit of the SC and giving conservatards a nervous orgasm.

  19. Dog Balls

    Did Jeff Sessions relate a story about Robert Byrd in which Byrd talked about “Touchy Feely Twattle” or did I mishear that?

  20. chascates

    [re=607725]Oldskool[/re]: Or a Xena war cry and then she somersaults over the desk and starts kicking ass.

  21. Geogre

    I have been feeling more illiterate lately, now that they mention it.

    I wonder what exactly it is they put in those treatments for “low T” for men? Is it going to be like that science fiction movie with John Saxon years ago, where he went to the planet where women ruled and men were all retards — but docile — or more like the Star Trek where the men lived on the surface, where they could grunt and bash themselves with rocks, while the women lived below ground in an advanced society of peace and hugging?

    Good news: we will live to find out!


  22. Post author
    Ken Layne

    [re=607714]karen[/re]: [re=607715]ArugulaTeleprompterz[/re]: I know I know, but I’m *typing* on the computer. Teevee is for lookin’ at, computer is for typin’ on, AND I DON’T WANT AN IPAD.

  23. chascates

    [re=607731]DC Hates Me[/re]: SHIT! Did the Giant Heads just walk off or what? They’re gone!

  24. funafuti

    Both of our local socialist PBS stations are carrying the hearings. The only downside – no knucklehead pundits interrupting to say nonsensical things.

  25. pinky tuscadero

    i want e.k. to pull a petraeus… although i guess she doesn’t really swing that way

  26. Tommmcatt

    God, could Miss Grahm be any more condescending? It’s like Kagan’s wearing white shoes after labor day.

  27. chascates

    [re=607743]Tommmcatt[/re]: Kagan could look him right in the eye and declare that she has no problem with anyone’s hidden sexual identity.

  28. funafuti

    Schumer: “It’s alot of work and it’s hard to feel satisfied at the end.” The entire committee missed their “that’s what she said” cue.

  29. karen

    Ken: Surely you can adjust window sizes? I understand the teevee machine’s role, but when times are rough, and cspan is discriminating against its teevee audience, you take what you can get.

  30. Tommmcatt

    [re=607758]karen[/re]:

    Cspan over the tubes has an annoying habit of buffering every ten seconds, you only catch every third of fourth sentence.

  31. bfstevie

    Am I the only one admiring the awesome blue necktie and blue button down Oxford shirt the guy behind Kagan is wearing?

  32. Tommmcatt

    If you say the word “activist judiciary” over and over enough times it automatically becomes true of any court, did you know that?

  33. Terry

    “He could look at it, put it back in his pocket or wherever it goes (the Smithsonian?)”

    The National Archives. They get pissy when you return stuff to the Smithsonian by accident, as the curators there tend to hold on to the items and sing “Finders keepers, losers weepers!”

  34. Zadig

    [re=607765]Tommmcatt[/re]: Congratulations, you just earned your degree in journalism! I hear CNN has some guest commentary slots available on their Parker/Spitzer Sexxxtravaganza!

  35. imissopus

    [re=607754]funafuti[/re]: That never would have happened if Teddy Kennedy was still alive.

  36. lochnessmonster

    Anyone who can sit through days of this hot air from the likes of these guys, has earned the seat in my book.

  37. chascates

    This won’t get fun until the ‘minority’ witnesses appear:

    William J. Olson, Esq., William J. Olson, P.C.
    Tony Perkins, President, Family Research Council
    Dr. Charmaine Yoest, President & CEO, Americans United for Life
    Capt. Flagg Youngblood, United States Army

    Flagg Youngblood?

  38. JMP

    [re=607790]chascates[/re]: Who the hell would think that Tony Perkins was a credible witness for well, anything?

  39. norbizness

    [re=607790]chascates[/re]: Surprise witnesses, each more surprising than the last! I guess Flagg Youngblood is appearing due to the unavailability of Corporal Dirk Diggler and Sergeant Chest Rockwell.

  40. hockeymom

    [re=607737]Ken Layne[/re]: Gosh darn it, now I have to return your birthday present.

  41. JMP

    [re=607790]chascates[/re]: And Capt. Flagg Youngblood must be part of that elite anti-terrorism task force, G.I. Joe.

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