'I know how to get you off my property,' said Mr. Carey Hamster Bliss of Fairbanks, Alaska, who attacked enumerators then built a fence around his Habitrail house.Census Violence ’10 continues with this report about a man in Alaska who threatened his enumerator with a bulldozer. The bulldozer-er was not paranoid, confrontational Todd Palin, but a fellow from Fairbanks named Carey William Bliss who communicates only by fax, when he’s not allegedly making verbal threats against federal employees. No wonder he’s so cranky — fax machines are very difficult to operate!

Does this case top the pickaxes and crossbows incident? Or is the best example of Census Insanity still undiscovered amongst the 379 reported “incidents involving assaults or threats” on our 635,000 census employees so far this year?

Reports of anti-census freakouts are “more than double the 181 recorded during the 2000 census” — at least one involved a hammer, and another, a patio table.

They have been nibbled by ducks, bitten by pit bulls and chased by packs of snarling dogs,” the Washington Post reported last week. Even our nation’s ducks are insane and filled with rage. [Fairbanks News-Miner]

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  1. Carey William Bliss.
    A normal individual driven mad by the tragic curse of having a perfectly normal first name sandwiched between two last names. Same thing happened to…
    I’ll get back to you.

  2. Bulldozer? Men in Alaska are such pussies! Sarah Palin would have stripped down to fur bikini and mukluks and used a fileting knife!

  3. [re=607516]Katydid[/re]: Now, GEESE, I could understand, as geese are crazy motherfuckers. But ducks?

    I wonder – other Western countries must take a census as well, right? When they encounter anti-government nutjobs, do they just write them off as actually crazy, or do they pretend that the crazies have valid political beliefs?

  4. Census taker: “Yes sir, it’s just like Waco. First they’re sending me in to soften your mind up with difficult math questions like ‘You plus your mummified dead mother in the bathtub equals how many?’ and then the stormtroopers from Planet of the Apes come in an taze you and throw you in a gulag with Linda Harrison and there’s no Teletubbies.”

  5. [re=607523]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: or swans, the only bird with a penis. They feel so entitled don’t ya know. And filled with sexual rage, for example; Leda. Now a census worker should be very careful around swans.They will fuck you up.

  6. My landlord is working as a Census temp and he was told if anyone starts any wingnuttery just apologize, turn, and quickly walk away.

    The feds don’t have the money to upgrade their dirt-road standards of living anyway.


    [Except in Chicago or D.C., of course. There, it’s not safe to ask “Is that a D-18 in your pants, or are you just glad to see me?”]

  8. Congratulations on discovering the wonder of the Fairbanks Daily News-Minus. The Anchorage Daily News does a pretty good job of covering the crazy, but they bury it among “news items,” while the News-Minus is a child’s garden of the wack.

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