nation of lunatics

New Developments in Anti-Census Violence Weaponry

'I know how to get you off my property,' said Mr. Carey Hamster Bliss of Fairbanks, Alaska, who attacked enumerators then built a fence around his Habitrail house.Census Violence ’10 continues with this report about a man in Alaska who threatened his enumerator with a bulldozer. The bulldozer-er was not paranoid, confrontational Todd Palin, but a fellow from Fairbanks named Carey William Bliss who communicates only by fax, when he’s not allegedly making verbal threats against federal employees. No wonder he’s so cranky — fax machines are very difficult to operate!

Does this case top the pickaxes and crossbows incident? Or is the best example of Census Insanity still undiscovered amongst the 379 reported “incidents involving assaults or threats” on our 635,000 census employees so far this year?

Reports of anti-census freakouts are “more than double the 181 recorded during the 2000 census” — at least one involved a hammer, and another, a patio table.

They have been nibbled by ducks, bitten by pit bulls and chased by packs of snarling dogs,” the Washington Post reported last week. Even our nation’s ducks are insane and filled with rage. [Fairbanks News-Miner]

About the author

Lauri works at the Chicago Reader, and also writes and makes art-pictures for Wonkette. Her creative projects—including a now-defunct blog about finding clothing in the trash and wearing it, and an exhibition of portraits of all 50 Chicago aldermen made by 50 different artists—have been featured by NBC's Today Show, the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, BUST Magazine, and other media outlets. She's written things for the Austin Chronicle, Texas Observer, In Pittsburgh Weekly, The Black Table, and other places, and taken photos for various nonprofits, bands, and publications. (She also has a law degree, for some reason.)

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23 comments

  1. JackDempsey

    Carey William Bliss.
    A normal individual driven mad by the tragic curse of having a perfectly normal first name sandwiched between two last names. Same thing happened to…
    I’ll get back to you.

  2. Norbert

    Probably receiving massive agricultural subsidy to raise rabid ducks instead of turkeys.

  3. actor212

    Bulldozer? Men in Alaska are such pussies! Sarah Palin would have stripped down to fur bikini and mukluks and used a fileting knife!

  4. TGY

    Alaska, eh? I’ll bet he couldn’t even get the bulldozer to start, so it’s an empty threat.

  5. Katydid

    OK, I’m on the census workers’ sides here, but some fucking census worker reported that he/she had been nibbled by ducks? What for?

  6. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=607516]Katydid[/re]: Now, GEESE, I could understand, as geese are crazy motherfuckers. But ducks?

    I wonder – other Western countries must take a census as well, right? When they encounter anti-government nutjobs, do they just write them off as actually crazy, or do they pretend that the crazies have valid political beliefs?

  7. Golfing OJ

    Census taker: “Yes sir, it’s just like Waco. First they’re sending me in to soften your mind up with difficult math questions like ‘You plus your mummified dead mother in the bathtub equals how many?’ and then the stormtroopers from Planet of the Apes come in an taze you and throw you in a gulag with Linda Harrison and there’s no Teletubbies.”

  8. cheeto_jeebus

    [re=607523]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: or swans, the only bird with a penis. They feel so entitled don’t ya know. And filled with sexual rage, for example; Leda. Now a census worker should be very careful around swans.They will fuck you up.

  9. chascates

    My landlord is working as a Census temp and he was told if anyone starts any wingnuttery just apologize, turn, and quickly walk away.

    The feds don’t have the money to upgrade their dirt-road standards of living anyway.

  10. just pixels

    When your only tool is a bulldozer, every problem looks like a guy with a clipboard.

  11. GOPCrusher

    Obviously a response to left-wing violence. Mr. Bliss probably felt threatened by the Census worker coming on to his property.

  12. Neilist

    WHEN BULLDOZERS ARE OUTLAWED, ONLY OUTLAWS WILL HAVE BULLDOZERS!!!!!!

    [Except in Chicago or D.C., of course. There, it's not safe to ask "Is that a D-18 in your pants, or are you just glad to see me?"]

  13. DangerousLiberal

    Congratulations on discovering the wonder of the Fairbanks Daily News-Minus. The Anchorage Daily News does a pretty good job of covering the crazy, but they bury it among “news items,” while the News-Minus is a child’s garden of the wack.

Comments are closed.