'I know how to get you off my property,' said Mr. Carey Hamster Bliss of Fairbanks, Alaska, who attacked enumerators then built a fence around his Habitrail house.Census Violence ’10 continues with this report about a man in Alaska who threatened his enumerator with a bulldozer. The bulldozer-er was not paranoid, confrontational Todd Palin, but a fellow from Fairbanks named Carey William Bliss who communicates only by fax, when he’s not allegedly making verbal threats against federal employees. No wonder he’s so cranky — fax machines are very difficult to operate!

Does this case top the pickaxes and crossbows incident? Or is the best example of Census Insanity still undiscovered amongst the 379 reported “incidents involving assaults or threats” on our 635,000 census employees so far this year?

Reports of anti-census freakouts are “more than double the 181 recorded during the 2000 census” — at least one involved a hammer, and another, a patio table.

They have been nibbled by ducks, bitten by pit bulls and chased by packs of snarling dogs,” the Washington Post reported last week. Even our nation’s ducks are insane and filled with rage. [Fairbanks News-Miner]

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  • the problem child

    We have found the backwards-faxer! It’s just Bliss.

  • 4tehlulz
  • AKAM80TheWolf

    [re=607485]the problem child[/re]:

    He is ignorance, also.

  • JackDempsey

    Carey William Bliss.
    A normal individual driven mad by the tragic curse of having a perfectly normal first name sandwiched between two last names. Same thing happened to…
    I’ll get back to you.

  • Jim89048

    kd______ gets around.

  • JMP

    Huh; I never knew Bob the Builder was a paranoid anti-government nut.

  • Norbert

    Probably receiving massive agricultural subsidy to raise rabid ducks instead of turkeys.

  • steverino247

    That hamster’s dynamite!

  • JMP

    Actually, do we know for sure it was Mr. Bliss attacking the census worker? The bulldozer might have been a Decepticon; probably one of the Constructicons ( ); they don’t accept the authority of any fleshling government.

  • actor212

    Bulldozer? Men in Alaska are such pussies! Sarah Palin would have stripped down to fur bikini and mukluks and used a fileting knife!

  • TGY

    Alaska, eh? I’ll bet he couldn’t even get the bulldozer to start, so it’s an empty threat.

  • Katydid

    OK, I’m on the census workers’ sides here, but some fucking census worker reported that he/she had been nibbled by ducks? What for?

  • facehead

    Never trust a person you can’t count.

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=607516]Katydid[/re]: Now, GEESE, I could understand, as geese are crazy motherfuckers. But ducks?

    I wonder – other Western countries must take a census as well, right? When they encounter anti-government nutjobs, do they just write them off as actually crazy, or do they pretend that the crazies have valid political beliefs?

  • facehead
  • Golfing OJ

    Census taker: “Yes sir, it’s just like Waco. First they’re sending me in to soften your mind up with difficult math questions like ‘You plus your mummified dead mother in the bathtub equals how many?’ and then the stormtroopers from Planet of the Apes come in an taze you and throw you in a gulag with Linda Harrison and there’s no Teletubbies.”

  • cheeto_jeebus

    [re=607523]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: or swans, the only bird with a penis. They feel so entitled don’t ya know. And filled with sexual rage, for example; Leda. Now a census worker should be very careful around swans.They will fuck you up.

  • imissopus

    A bulldozer? Dude should ask the Israeli Army how well that worked out for them.

  • chascates

    My landlord is working as a Census temp and he was told if anyone starts any wingnuttery just apologize, turn, and quickly walk away.

    The feds don’t have the money to upgrade their dirt-road standards of living anyway.

  • just pixels

    When your only tool is a bulldozer, every problem looks like a guy with a clipboard.

  • GOPCrusher

    Obviously a response to left-wing violence. Mr. Bliss probably felt threatened by the Census worker coming on to his property.

  • Neilist


    [Except in Chicago or D.C., of course. There, it’s not safe to ask “Is that a D-18 in your pants, or are you just glad to see me?”]

  • DangerousLiberal

    Congratulations on discovering the wonder of the Fairbanks Daily News-Minus. The Anchorage Daily News does a pretty good job of covering the crazy, but they bury it among “news items,” while the News-Minus is a child’s garden of the wack.

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