NATION OF LUNATICS  8:58 am June 28, 2010

New Developments in Anti-Census Violence Weaponry

by Lauri Apple

'I know how to get you off my property,' said Mr. Carey Hamster Bliss of Fairbanks, Alaska, who attacked enumerators then built a fence around his Habitrail house.Census Violence ’10 continues with this report about a man in Alaska who threatened his enumerator with a bulldozer. The bulldozer-er was not paranoid, confrontational Todd Palin, but a fellow from Fairbanks named Carey William Bliss who communicates only by fax, when he’s not allegedly making verbal threats against federal employees. No wonder he’s so cranky — fax machines are very difficult to operate!

Does this case top the pickaxes and crossbows incident? Or is the best example of Census Insanity still undiscovered amongst the 379 reported “incidents involving assaults or threats” on our 635,000 census employees so far this year?

Reports of anti-census freakouts are “more than double the 181 recorded during the 2000 census” — at least one involved a hammer, and another, a patio table.

They have been nibbled by ducks, bitten by pit bulls and chased by packs of snarling dogs,” the Washington Post reported last week. Even our nation’s ducks are insane and filled with rage. [Fairbanks News-Miner]

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the problem child June 28, 2010 at 9:09 am

We have found the backwards-faxer! It’s just Bliss.

4tehlulz June 28, 2010 at 9:10 am

The spirit of Killdozer lives on.

AKAM80TheWolf June 28, 2010 at 9:17 am

[re=607485]the problem child[/re]:

He is ignorance, also.

JackDempsey June 28, 2010 at 9:27 am

Carey William Bliss.
A normal individual driven mad by the tragic curse of having a perfectly normal first name sandwiched between two last names. Same thing happened to…
I’ll get back to you.

Jim89048 June 28, 2010 at 9:28 am

kd______ gets around.

JMP June 28, 2010 at 9:30 am

Huh; I never knew Bob the Builder was a paranoid anti-government nut.

Norbert June 28, 2010 at 9:34 am

Probably receiving massive agricultural subsidy to raise rabid ducks instead of turkeys.

steverino247 June 28, 2010 at 9:34 am

That hamster’s dynamite!

JMP June 28, 2010 at 9:41 am

Actually, do we know for sure it was Mr. Bliss attacking the census worker? The bulldozer might have been a Decepticon; probably one of the Constructicons ( ); they don’t accept the authority of any fleshling government.

actor212 June 28, 2010 at 9:50 am

Bulldozer? Men in Alaska are such pussies! Sarah Palin would have stripped down to fur bikini and mukluks and used a fileting knife!

TGY June 28, 2010 at 10:01 am

Alaska, eh? I’ll bet he couldn’t even get the bulldozer to start, so it’s an empty threat.

Katydid June 28, 2010 at 10:14 am

OK, I’m on the census workers’ sides here, but some fucking census worker reported that he/she had been nibbled by ducks? What for?

facehead June 28, 2010 at 10:15 am

Never trust a person you can’t count.

AnnieGetYourFun June 28, 2010 at 10:25 am

[re=607516]Katydid[/re]: Now, GEESE, I could understand, as geese are crazy motherfuckers. But ducks?

I wonder – other Western countries must take a census as well, right? When they encounter anti-government nutjobs, do they just write them off as actually crazy, or do they pretend that the crazies have valid political beliefs?

facehead June 28, 2010 at 10:27 am
Golfing OJ June 28, 2010 at 10:56 am

Census taker: “Yes sir, it’s just like Waco. First they’re sending me in to soften your mind up with difficult math questions like ‘You plus your mummified dead mother in the bathtub equals how many?’ and then the stormtroopers from Planet of the Apes come in an taze you and throw you in a gulag with Linda Harrison and there’s no Teletubbies.”

cheeto_jeebus June 28, 2010 at 11:11 am

[re=607523]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: or swans, the only bird with a penis. They feel so entitled don’t ya know. And filled with sexual rage, for example; Leda. Now a census worker should be very careful around swans.They will fuck you up.

imissopus June 28, 2010 at 12:18 pm

A bulldozer? Dude should ask the Israeli Army how well that worked out for them.

chascates June 28, 2010 at 1:05 pm

My landlord is working as a Census temp and he was told if anyone starts any wingnuttery just apologize, turn, and quickly walk away.

The feds don’t have the money to upgrade their dirt-road standards of living anyway.

just pixels June 28, 2010 at 1:26 pm

When your only tool is a bulldozer, every problem looks like a guy with a clipboard.

GOPCrusher June 28, 2010 at 1:29 pm

Obviously a response to left-wing violence. Mr. Bliss probably felt threatened by the Census worker coming on to his property.

Neilist June 28, 2010 at 3:47 pm


[Except in Chicago or D.C., of course. There, it's not safe to ask "Is that a D-18 in your pants, or are you just glad to see me?"]

DangerousLiberal June 28, 2010 at 3:49 pm

Congratulations on discovering the wonder of the Fairbanks Daily News-Minus. The Anchorage Daily News does a pretty good job of covering the crazy, but they bury it among “news items,” while the News-Minus is a child’s garden of the wack.

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