Last week your Wonkette posted some news about racism in Tennessee, because it was so shocking and rare and etc. Racism, in the South?! Many days later, this post drained all the way to the Internet’s southern parts, where a proud local man discovered the item in question, maybe on his ex-wife’s cousin’s ‘puter. He is probably upset, although it’s almost impossible to tell.
From: kd___@gmail.com
To: tips@wonkette.com
Date: Sat, Jun 26, 2010 at 5: :21 PM
Subject: lauri applenot sure where ur deep knowledge of tennessee racial relations come from but i hope its a funny coincidence. if its not then don’t be shy sweetpea. step up and talk to a reel live vampire.
if it ain’t a coincidence. tell ur tipster to “go fuck themselves.”! Yep, i think that is correct.
somebody is playing with you deer wonkettes. or your playing with me. either way. speak and speak now.
What language is this? Sure, it shares many words with American English. But what does it mean? Did they just get the Twilight movies on cable?
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Needz moar Jeebus.
Sometimes, when the voices warn you there is too much milk-sugar in the air and you can’t MAKE THEM STOP, then, and only then… You have to that that tin-foil liner in your knit navy watch cap and just HOLD ON!
I’d have thought Ms. Lang would be more perspicacious.
potatoe cannon! mudslinkies! truck wobble clammyface!
in your butt, wonkette! the south shall raise again!
Regardinations,
Cletus Bellhop Gaspump III
Proud Tenasee Tee Party Partyer
It’s clearly a strangely worded threat. They have been watching True Blood and want to show you how Bill Compton and the King of Mississippi really are.
Ken, we’ve discussed this before but I shall repeat it again…
This is what happens when cousins marry.
[re=607338]Zorg[/re]: will have you know that with a colander and tinfoil one can make a fairly effective Faraday Cage. Mine reduces the radio waves that the CIA can beam into my head by almost 80%.
today, we are all reel live vampires.
All that webbing between the fingers makes typing quite difficult.
Well, that bites.
Dammit Ken, now I’m hungry for alphabet soup.
Goddam kids and their texting. William Safire would be so… mad… about this, and I for one can’t say I blame him.
It’s curious, because most illiterate white trash are AOL users.
By the way, Ken, most real hillbillies don’t have cable – they have satellite.
Um, yeah.
There’s this thing about High School kids. They do silly things while drunk or high that seem funny at the time.
But, I guess that doesn’t fit the right narrative.
[re=607350]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: Gmail is quickly becoming the new AOL.
[re=607351]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: And the real hardcore ones have the dual-LNB, cockeyed mini satellite disk that brings the series of tubes into their rotting wooden shack.
disk, dish, it’s all the sam.
Paddle faster; I hear banjo music!
How can you be a vampire if all your teeth fell out from meth? Does he just sort of suckle at your neck until you bleed? He must be darn patient.
Yikes, Ancient Robert Byrd is reportedly seriously ill & in the hospital!
[re=607352]JeffBarea[/re]: Unless the drunk high schoolers are also illiterate rednecks. Which, given the state of this country’s educational system, is more likely than not.
Ken! Narrative revision, chop-chop!
[re=607358]chascates[/re]: Where did you read that? 2004?
This is just the opening salvo of a thinly veiled false flag op by the werewolves. Don’t be so gullible, you sheepvires.
He could not find the Nintendo controller, was too drunk to catch a goat. These were clear signs, he reasoned. He knew what he had to do next before passing out.
[re=607360]imissopus[/re]: nY Times:
June 27, 2010, 3:24 pm
Senator Byrd ‘Seriously Ill’
By JANIE LORBER
Senator Robert C. Byrd, Democrat of West Virginia, the longest serving senator in U.S. history, is “seriously ill,” his office announced Sunday afternoon.
Although I remember what Fritz Hollings once said when told of Strom Thurmond’s collapsing on the Senate floor, “He’ll get up. He always does.”
[re=607364]chascates[/re]: Kind of like Cheney.
[re=607365]imissopus[/re]: And when either of them gets to Hell they’ll be ‘greeted as liberators.’
Byrd is the blood sacrifice to keep Cheney alive.
“deer wonkettes”??? Is this place run by furries? Or worse, vampire furries?
If Byrd is unable to complete his term, under West Virginia law, Gov. Joe Manchin (D) would appoint his replacement. That person would finish Byrd’s Senate term, which ends in 2012.
[re=607364]chascates[/re]: The Southerner will rise again?
[re=607342]thatonegirlsays[/re]: Honey Pie, trailer parks don’t get the Haych Bea Oh.
“Thank you, Gabby Johnson, for that specimen of authentic frontier gibberish.”
I actually think that “ur tipster” was trying to intimidate you with unwanted, rapey intimacy. You see, he’s trying to be creepier than you, therefore scary.
As I said before, the likelihood is that the epicenter for the incidents will be one family, probably one craniorectal inversion. Best to start going around and putting gang signs and Panther spray paintings up everywhere on the neighboring farm steads, just to return the favor.
I be confused. Which episode of “True Blood” was this?
Bad news from Yahoo News:
Liz Cheney tells “Fox News Sunday” that her father is feeling better and hopes to be released on Monday. Cheney’s office says Cheney has received intravenous medication and that he’s “markedly improved.”
Must be Byrd’s blood that turned the tide.
[re=607359]imissopus[/re]: Hmmm, I guess you are right. And according to Twitter Bill Murray is dead.
I suppose you got me there. Literate non-rednecks couldn’t at all FUBAR your brain stem on the internet.
You being so smart and all.
Welcome Skoal-Vampire, to Fantasy Island! Tattoo will show you to your cabin filled with carbon-monoxide, just the way you like eet.
When I read that all I could think of was did he/she take oxy or meth?
[re=607357]Rotundo[/re]: A lesser person would make a comment about only dating women who are in their period…but it won’t be me.
Uh-Oh. Nate Silver has the dope on appointing a replacement if, heaven forbid, …you know:
Byrd’s current term expires on January 3, 2013. Under West Virginia state law on handling Senate vacancies, “if the vacancy occurs less than two years and six months before the end of the term, the Governor appoints someone to fill the unexpired term and there is no election”. Otherwise, Manchin would appoint an interim replacement, and an special election would be held in November to determine who held the seat in 2011 and 2012.
In other words, we are within a week of the threshold established by West Virginia law. If a vacancy were to be declared on July 3rd or later, there would not be an election to replace Byrd until 2012. If it were to occur earlier, there could potentially be an election later this year, although there might be some ambiguities arising from precisely when and how the vacancy were declared.
Is kd talkin’ ’bout making “squeal like a pig” more of a pain in the neck than a pain in the ass?
Wonkette = punked
[re=607375]JeffBarea[/re]: No no, I’m sure you’re right. What high schooler wouldn’t want to spend an afternoon of his summer vacation punking Wonkette in between reading teh porns and collecting Twitter followers?
You know where you are, yes? Or has Xenu finally gotten to you??!!
Oh good. JeffBarea doesn’t think the emailer is insane. Which is funny, considering how batshit schizophrenic/insane Barea is.
Deer wonkettes are those fuzzy little stubs that appear on male yearlings, and eventually become antlers.
This is America, kd______. We speak English.
Deer Wonkettes, I believe, are an indigenous delicacy in Tennessee, kinda like mountain oysters or ramp in West Virginia. “Someone is playing with your Deer Wonkettes” is, therefore, an extreme insult to which the only dignified, yet manly, response is: “your wife/girlfriend/momma [potentially overlapping categories in the Eastern part of the Volunteer State] likes to suck them.”
Surely the point about vampires is that they’re white – like really white.
Found it in the ‘puter or the pooter?
[re=607352]JeffBarea[/re]: Oh thank god you gave us that totally safe possibility. Cause god knows fucked-up Suthrn teenagers only ever cause harmless funny pranks, not actual you know mayhem. Its cool, cuz they’re harmless little teens. Got it.
http://www.tampabay.com/news/publicsafety/crime/20-years-ago-a-murder-rekindled-racism-in-brooksville/1095904
[re=607344]x111e7thst[/re]: Hat tip for that one. I haz a coalander.
I bet that somewhere in kd’s pandora’s box of problems he’ll discover he has hookworms. He will take a small measure of comfort in that discovery, though, since he shares a hookworm infestation with the entire Palin family.
Nothing speaks humor and job security as loud as Authentic Frontier Gibberish.
he is saying “If I unnerstan you rait, you talkin shit ’bout Tennessee. Go fuck yerself”.
this may or may not be a literal translation.
[re=607380]chascates[/re]: If it happens anytime this week, they’ll announce that he expired on the Fourth of July, which is probably what happened with Adams and Jefferson. Unless you believe in coincidences.
I think what we have here is a classic example of genuine Moran Gibberish dialect. This is no doubt a language that is in danger of being lost forever unless we take precautions to preserve it in its natural state. Someone should call the Smithsonian. We are accepting donations of Cheetos, adult diapers and Dish TeeVee access.
Sounds like the plot from a new David Lynch/Skoal Rebel film noir.
DON’T DRINK THE ASS TEA.
hey wonkettes. this reel live vampire is getting grossed out looking at the “before/after” weight loss ad on the side of ur page. I refresh my browser every time I see it to make it go away. Talk about pasty, disgusting, cottage-cheesy flab (in the “after” picture too, though that person needz to GAIN some weight.)
Sorry. Couldn’t hold it in anymore. I know, I need some cheese with my whine.
I don’t believe kd is actually from Tennessee at all. He/she writes too well. West Virginia maybe.
Hookworms and crotch crixkets is no way to go through life, ya rebel yellin’ welfare babies.
[re=607344]x111e7thst[/re]: Don’t forget to ground it.
Breaking News!
KD just skipped parole in Guyana and is now on the lam in Tennessee.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100626/ap_on_re_la_am_ca/cb_guyana_body_exhumed
Layne, someday you really should pull a Freedomworks and list the full email address.
[re=607386]WadISay[/re]: Yes, I always am amused at the how bad the “Speak English” crowd is at speaking English. And I am being kind and not taking the low hanging fruit of their general literacy.
That boy durn right sparkles.
For the record, what y’all are seeing there is actually not Redneck.
Oh, it’s run through the Redneck translator, but what you’re seeing is basic “txt spk” from MyFace.com addiction plus the anti-syntactic disease that has stricken an entire generation and a half of people. It is anti-syntactic, not anti-grammatical, because the cell phone life, the IM life, is a life where writing is constantly in the present tense and entirely a reflection of speech, and therefore we have 1.5 generations incapable and uninclined to deferral of meaning into syntactic positions, because that requires planning and delay.
Noun noun noun noun pronoun and acronyms else. They invented “tl;dr” and use it to refer to things like the emergency evacuation card on an airplane.
Take one teenage brain – intelligence * (millenialADHD * MyFace.com * IM)/Redneckery = your scary message.
[re=607414]Geogre[/re]: is, however Redneck 2.0 or possibly 4.0
the malls have enlarged the Redneck programing, which now can encompass not only NASCAR, but Dungeons and Dragons,
the mainstream parts of Goth (vampires), and video game lingo.
[re=607409]user-of-owls[/re]: His name is Bacchus and he fucks corpses due to a drinking problem? Does Fark know about this? Because they should.
[re=607416]trondant[/re]: Not any old corpse…he went for a 75-year old granny who was still ‘fresh.’
The more details you see, the more unbelievable it sounds.
Reel America speacks.
So “Ricky Hollywood” or whatever stupidity Palin spewed that day is one of those “Reel Americans” she was creaming over?
That explains a lot actually.
[re=607420]glamourdammerung[/re]: I hope this means Baby Trig is not a vampire.
Where is Extemporanus to explain this “thing”?
This guy totally Team Jacob with the furries reference and his overt passion for bestiality.
Sounds like Tennessee has finally discovered acid
This letter is clearly the joint project of three different ignorant people. Each paragraph is stupid by itself, and all three paragraphs put together are completely senseless.
I’m just grateful I progressed from the tailer park before the intertubes was invented.
It makes a lot more sense when translated into Czech, Afrikanis, Danish, Croatian and then back to English:
not sure where ur deep knowledge of Tennessee, race relations came from, but I hope it is a strange accident. if not, do not shy Sweetpea. acceleration of the vampire life and talk fast.
If this is not a coincidence. Tell ur tipster “go fuck yourself.”? Yes, I think that’s correct.
anyone who plays with his wonkettes roe. or playing with me. One way or another. now speaks and speaks.
I don’t think they know what a coincidence is.
He’s a cunt.
Why does kd feel the need to bring Cicero into this? Leave Cicero alone!
Deer Wonkette,
It is hard to believe that this guy is from the same state what produced Tennessee Ernie Ford.
Yer faithful reeder,
Tennessee Williams.
NEEDZ MOAR MOONSHINE
Ladies and Gentlemen Mr. Conway Twitty….
[re=607414]Geogre[/re]:
Well, that didn’t work at all. And it certainly won’t be funny if I try to explain it. Move along!
A reel live vampire is an oxycontin.
[re=607344]x111e7thst[/re]: And, now yew got me thinkin’ in my mind alla time ’bout this, so i found us a good URL: http://www.unitedstatesaction.com/emp_and_faraday_cages.htm
I’m sorry if I’m being pedantic, but isn’t “live” and “vampire” contradictory?
Tennessean is Tennebelievin’
[re=607371]Potater[/re]: More likely TBN, the health&wealth gospel network.
[re=607357]Rotundo[/re]: Have leeches do the blood-sucking, then eat the leeches!
[re=607392]Poisoned Rationality[/re]: 1) Florida 2) 1990.
If the worst thing that happens these days are flame wars of typing then I think we’re progressing…
You git.
[re=607383]imissopus[/re]: 1) What else is there to do during the summer? 2) Yes, I know where I am. Wherever I damn well please to be.
[re=607415]sati demise[/re]: expansion of the Redneck Socket set…
You’re right, of course. NASCAR surprised “media” ten years ago, and there were all of these bemused articles in newspapers about, “Who knew that our fine, educated, advanced humans could be sympathetic to that disgusting thing?” These newspaper reporters were, needless to say, as stupid as a thunder blasted lichen. They were rewriting the “Who knew that our fine people could fall for Wrestling” article.
Redneck grew, and Redneck expanded. Skoalrebel demonstrates how Redneck can include gothwear, tattoos, home bombing (self), home bombing (other), vampires (esp. with “True Blood”‘s faux Louisiana following on Anne Rice’s faux New Orleans), and this Bubba rap stuff. The American redneck has never been an admirable character, but today he is more filled with self ridicule and loathing than ever, just as he is more common than ever before and more likely to be female than before.
At least they’ve gotten over their John Wayne fetish.
[re=607449]Zorg[/re]: Of course a Faraday Cage probably won’t do shit to keep you from being raptured. Theoretically being raptured requires having Jeebus in ones heart & etc. but I am not so sure. There may be unpredictable scatter effects. This phenomenon has not occurred yet, ever, so it is hard to have much certainty about it.
[re=607457]JeffBarea[/re]: Oh, well, if it happened in Florida, and not the home state of the KKK, then clearly it’s no problem. Likewise, 1990. I mean, who here was even alive back then, it was so long ago. Clearly by now racism must actually be over, for reals.
deer wonkettes? yes, I admit, I have a white tail. I will remedy that with the upcoming long weekend by the pool.
Clearly, kd___ is just another shining example of American Exceptionalism.
Exceptional stupidity, that is.
Juggalos.
Miracles.
“What language is this?”
It’s not a language. It’s a way of life.
You sure have purdy fangs, mister vampire.
damn vampers
Stewardess I speak Applician!
I think he’s saying “The President Is a *Ding*” Oh that darn bell!! Clutches Pearls.
[re=607443]BklynIlluminati[/re]: Conway got more pussy than Sinatra.
Umpire! He meant stalk to a real live UMPIRE.
Stupid Southerns.
[re=607459]JeffBarea[/re]: XENU! BOOGA BOOGA!
Take the douchebaggery back to your blog. Maybe people will start reading it one day.
Yea, in ‘American’ english we spell dear as deer. Which rhymes with beer, and queer.
let’s give the guy a break. he did spell tennessee right, which is a very difficult word what with the double-n, double-s, double-e. also, maybe he has good reason to believe this site is run by a herd of deer. sheesh, you guys are so judgmental.
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