Add to Flipboard Magazine.

We may not pay Satan reverence, for that would be indiscreet, but we can at least respect his talent.First, it’s not going to be “justice” when Dick Cheney finally drops dead. He’s an old man, a sick & diseased 69-year-old blob of bitter fat and gristle and plastic. If the poisonous toad had been run over by a manure truck about thirty years ago, that would’ve been evidence of the Great Cosmic Wheels of Justice at work, for if such forces existed, they would not be shackled by our puny concepts of Time.

Instead, his long evil life — maintained and extended at great cost to U.S. taxpayers — is a testament to the complete lack of supernatural punishment. Look at this, from a long list of Cheney’s endless “health problems” reaching back to the Disco Era: “1978: Cheney’s first heart attack.” 1978. Still think it’s a good idea to waste your Saturday afternoon checking the Internet for reports of Dick’s demise?

Who knows, maybe he’s already dead and his Evil Family doesn’t want the news lost during a Gay Soccer Frenzy Weekend. Can get a lot of crocodile tears from the cable-news clowns if you put off the announcement until, say, early Monday. A slow news day. Before that goddamned Kagan confirmation starts, or maybe after it’s over, early afternoon, so it can drag on all night. Try not to do it on a day when the oil spill news is particularly bad. After the midterms, maybe.

Did Cheney expire in February, after his fifth documented heart attack? How would anyone know the difference?

But here’s the official word, for the moment:

Cheney was not feeling well on Friday and went to see his doctors at George Washington University. On their advice, he was admitted to the hospital for further testing.

Go outside, have “fun,” drink Bud Light Lime, yell at the Ghanaians, whatever people do on these long — but already getting shorter — summer days. Yes, summer’s already shrinking, dusk coming a few minutes earlier than last week’s solstice, the long march to winter’s darkness already underway. The world turns, the leaves fall, the ice caps melt, and the mysterious fire of life continues to flicker within the shit-husk known as Dick Cheney.

Sure, there’s a God. But she is evil.

Previous articleRemembering Our Fallen Week: The Iceman Cumeth
Next articleIlliterate Southern 'Vampire' Offers Racial Advice