dick cheney health update

Waiting For Dick Cheney To Die? Get a Chair

We may not pay Satan reverence, for that would be indiscreet, but we can at least respect his talent.First, it’s not going to be “justice” when Dick Cheney finally drops dead. He’s an old man, a sick & diseased 69-year-old blob of bitter fat and gristle and plastic. If the poisonous toad had been run over by a manure truck about thirty years ago, that would’ve been evidence of the Great Cosmic Wheels of Justice at work, for if such forces existed, they would not be shackled by our puny concepts of Time.

Instead, his long evil life — maintained and extended at great cost to U.S. taxpayers — is a testament to the complete lack of supernatural punishment. Look at this, from a long list of Cheney’s endless “health problems” reaching back to the Disco Era: “1978: Cheney’s first heart attack.” 1978. Still think it’s a good idea to waste your Saturday afternoon checking the Internet for reports of Dick’s demise?

Who knows, maybe he’s already dead and his Evil Family doesn’t want the news lost during a Gay Soccer Frenzy Weekend. Can get a lot of crocodile tears from the cable-news clowns if you put off the announcement until, say, early Monday. A slow news day. Before that goddamned Kagan confirmation starts, or maybe after it’s over, early afternoon, so it can drag on all night. Try not to do it on a day when the oil spill news is particularly bad. After the midterms, maybe.

Did Cheney expire in February, after his fifth documented heart attack? How would anyone know the difference?

But here’s the official word, for the moment:

Cheney was not feeling well on Friday and went to see his doctors at George Washington University. On their advice, he was admitted to the hospital for further testing.

Go outside, have “fun,” drink Bud Light Lime, yell at the Ghanaians, whatever people do on these long — but already getting shorter — summer days. Yes, summer’s already shrinking, dusk coming a few minutes earlier than last week’s solstice, the long march to winter’s darkness already underway. The world turns, the leaves fall, the ice caps melt, and the mysterious fire of life continues to flicker within the shit-husk known as Dick Cheney.

Sure, there’s a God. But she is evil.

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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181 comments

  1. dudeabides

    I wish you weren’t so smart, Mr. Layne. I just had an awful vision of how much better my life would be if ‘Iron’ Dick had managed to be offed in 1978, year of my conception.

  2. Neilist

    I find this post deeply offensive to poisonous toads everywhere.

    Speaking as a fellow poisonous toad, that is.

    :::Croak:::

  3. Litlebritdifrnt

    How the hell does one have a heart attack when one doesn’t actually have a heart? I often wonder how much money or whatever the devil actually paid for that soul? I am always reminded of those scenes in Ghost whenever I think of Cheney. You know he is sat there dead, waiting for the bright light to lead him to the hereafter and those nasty shadowy people start coming for him.

  4. Gorillionaire

    The minute Big Dick is finally dead, we will have to face the onslaught of a trigger haired media machine that will begin the bleaching of the Bush reputation – from that point on everything bad that ever happened will have been Dick’s fault entirely and Bush just could not stop him or just let him have his way out of “respect” or some such shit. You just wait.

  5. Texan Bulldoggette

    Can you imagine God & Satan fighting over who has to take him?

    God: I’ll take Lindsey Lohan & Kate Gosselin if you take Dick.
    Satan: No way; I have Ken Lay & Strom Thurmond already in here.

  6. Dolmance

    I was speaking to my dear old mother on just this subject earlier. She hopes he becomes a drooling, shitting semi conscious burden on his family, lingering on for years so they go crazy and learn to pray for him to die. But he doesn’t die. He just goes on and on drooling and shitting.

    I on the other hand was hoping for complete paralysis, while his mental faculties remain untouched – for years and years stretching into decades.

    It’s hard to decide what to hope for.

  7. Norbert

    I watched a NatGeo special last night on Stonehenge, some archaeologist thinks it’s kind of a temple to the dead ancestors that was visited right after dumping the ashes of the dead in the nearby river and this occured on the winter solstice as the days just start to become longer and the promise of life is renewed. So today, as we ponder the fate of Dick Cheney’s soul, like a bird that has passed briefly through a warm, fire-lit hall, and which has now exited the window into the cold dark night whence it came, we can merely — Wait what? Still alive? Nevermind.

  8. SayItWithWookies

    What do you mean the days are getting shorter? That’s clearly nonsense — why, it’s light out right now!
    I’m just waiting to use that on a global warming denier.

    Oh, and I really hope Dick Cheney lives a long and healthy life. In some moldy dungeon under the International Criminal Court in The Hague, ideally.

  9. Thugs &

    [re=607180]Thugs &[/re]: wait, what happened to the Criminals? Are they off stealing yard signs in the dead of night again?

  10. Rotundo

    [re=607173]Gorillionaire[/re]: Blaming it on Dick will work about as well as blaming a fart on the dog. Of course we all know who was pulling strings in the Bush II administration, W never had much of any input until the latter half of the second term and by then even as thick as he was, he knew the damage was done and it wasn’t going to be put to rest by anyone. I wouldn’t look for a rebirth of the Bush name in politics any time soon, the shitstain that was W has poisoned the well for that bunch of grifters for at least a generation.

  11. Escape Goat Nation

    Mr. Layne, you need to employ the Greta Von Manface, Beckian or Fox “Hard News” News strategy about this. This is a little over the top.

    Greta Von Manface:
    Ex-Vice President Dick Cheney appears to be gravely ill: WHAT DO YOU THINK?

    (In this way you personally avoid criticism for being cruel and brutal. You stealthily set it up for your posters to do the cruel and brutal. Your hands are clean)

    Beckian:

    Well if you haven’t heard, perhaps the most evil motherfucker in the history of planet earth is about to meet his maker..which was apparently Hitler. READ YOUR HISTORY PEOPLE! Ok, now before you accuse me of saying that Dick Cheney is the most evil motherfucker in the history of planet earth…I didn’t say that at all. I just said that he’s the most evil motherfucker in the history of planet earth.

    (I said it, but I didn’t say what I just said. I’m gonna say what I didn’t say again….but I didn’t say it. Ya know? I’m just sayin’)

    Fox “Hard News” News:
    Dick Cheney: is he in his last throes?

    (The Cavuto Mark. The, “We’re just asking?” The “Just gonna throw this out there.” A deliciously suggestive question)

  12. Can O Whoopass

    Cheney has to have a car stereo installed in his gold casket so he can lister to FOX on his way down to reunite with Nixon and Reagan.

  13. x111e7thst

    He’ll be back on his feet and shooting his friends in the face in no time. What a man!

  14. Okie Dokie Dog

    I don’t care when they announce his ass deader than a doornail – just as long as it isn’t during the World Series. Ewww. He’d be smellin’ ripe by then.

  15. user-of-owls

    [re=607175]Dolmance[/re]: [re=607179]SayItWithWookies[/re]: A synthesis of both your (or mom’s) desires for this dismal cur is precisely what I’ve been wishing for. I dream of him absent-mindedly slipping into Canada where he is quickly scooped up and handed over to Baltazar Garzon. During the long, slow grinding of the international justice system Cheney sits wallowing in a cell…no day in court…no chance to spew bilious justifications. Gradually, world opinion transitions from a near universal hatred for the man and a global schadenfreude, to annoyance at hearing his malodorous name in the press every day, to an Abe Vigoda-like flicker of interest over whether he’s dead yet or not.

    All the while, he goes from gnarling indignation to hopeless simpering about the eternal delays. Every day, he faces his personal Wilson’s rat cage: the slow descent into irrelevance. This in turn is accompanied by creeping senility and loss of control over bodily functions, his only visits being those of disgusted orderlies who clean his filth.

    Far fetched? Perhaps, but it gives me hope that there is a viciously lovely precedent for this scenario: Augusto Pinochet.

  16. MarieDeGournay

    With apologies to John Milton:

    Cheney led them on–
    Cheney, the least erected Spirit that fell
    From Heaven; for even in Heaven his looks and thoughts
    Were always downward bent, admiring more
    The riches of heaven’s pavement, trodden gold,
    Than aught divine or holy else enjoyed
    In vision beatific. By him first
    Men also, and by his suggestion taught,
    Ransacked the centre, and with impious hands
    Rifled the bowels of their mother Earth
    For treasures better hid. Soon had his crew
    Opened into the hill a spacious wound,
    And digged out ribs of gold…

  17. NYNYNY

    [re=607179]SayItWithWookies[/re]: May he live to be 100, and may he be buried in the dumpsters behind the Hague prison.

  18. Army of None

    I can’t stand it anymore. Days and days have gone by and this crooked-mouthed toad has not been on t-v questionning Hopey’s patriotism. How can Democracy go on, without this cranky kill-joy?

  19. nappyduggs

    Dunno. Mayhap real justice will come if he continues on in this zombie pattern and gets to see the final out- come of the shitstorms he helped to perpetuate in his vile, turd-shaped weather/death balloon. It would be lovely to know that he is a ward of the Chinese aristocracy, or perhaps a grodie, junior-varsity sex-slave to the alien overlords; or at the very least, living in a bunker filled with gold bricks and dubloons that are completely worthless because there is no food to buy, no clothing to purchase because the elements are so out of whack the climate changes every five minutes, and the earth is microwaved and barren of all but the lowest form of ass-boil causing bacteria and cockroaches, both of which are his closest kin.

  20. Jumping Jim

    After it is announced that Chaney has died, I’ll bet there will be people speculating that he has gone to Paraguay to live in a condo next to Martin Bohrman.

  21. weejee

    The Dutch do some amazing cardiovascular work. We must let Dick’s family know so that they may rush him to Medical Centre Haaglanden, Den Haag, the Netherlands. They won’t be sorry.

  22. Oldskool

    Yep, even when he’s recalled to Hates to brainstorm we still get to hear from his evil spawn for years to come. Even Nixon didn’t curse us like that.

  23. samsuncle

    Cheney’s doctors just reported that all his tests have come negative: no heart, no soul, and no conscience.

  24. Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=607174]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Actually, according to the Basic Plan, all Dick had to do was accept Jesus as his savior and he’s in…which would lead to the following conversation.

    St. Peter – Lord…Dick Cheney is here

    God – So what? Kick him in the ass and send him on to hell. Satan’s waiting.

    St. Peter – Ummm, sir…there’s complication.

    God – Oh no…don’t tell me he agreed to let my dippy son into his heart and be up here with us for eternity.

    St. Peter – I’m afraid that’s exactly the case sir. He accepted Lord Jesus as his savior at 5:32 seconds before his death.

    God – Are you sure?

    St. Peter – Quite so sir…it’s all official.

    God – Shit!

  25. Dinishte

    You are one sad, pathetic piece of shit. The fact you would wish death on someone is pitiful enough, but that you revel in their ailing health is absolutely ridiculous. Hopefully karma kicks and a close family member of yours dies this week.

    Liberal scum.

  26. user-of-owls

    [re=607194]Radiotherapy[/re]: Just like the Palin family! Except they have hookworms too.

  27. Geogre

    “About the suffering of the virtuous or the prosperity of the wicked we may say nothing” — the Talmud.

    The flourishing of nasty folks is no argument either way about providence, because it’s the Pat Robertson (Robertsonian?) theology that has God jumping down to swerve hurricanes to protect broadcast towers so that they might continue to irradiate humans. Besides, the fundamentalists are always suggesting that Satan prospers his agents, so that might explain it.

    I figure this is just a very bad man who is unrepentant about the bad because he is convinced he alone is good. To me, that’s the moral decoder ring: “Do you think you are right, that you alone are right, and that nothing may sway you? If so, you may be a world savior, but you’re much more likely a monster.”

  28. user-of-owls

    [re=607207]Dinishte[/re]: You know you’re not allowed to believe in karma, Liz.

  29. Geogre

    [re=607207]Dinishte[/re]: Which one is sad?

    I think the article sort of says that it’s likely that Dick Cheney will be around to lie, weasel, hector, bully, and glower for a while and actually discourages people from schadenfreude.

    Dick Cheney is pretty inarguably evil in deeds. Whether his intentions were evil is not a political judgment, nor a matter for any mortal to know. His actions, though, have been unmistakably wicked from a religious point of view, almost regardless of which religion one holds.

  30. Neilist

    [re=607207]Dinishte[/re]: “Liberal scum.”

    Actually, I’m a registered Republican.

    And I hope — on behalf of the 59,000-plus Americans whose names are on The Wall on the Capital Mall (several of which are my friends); and on behalf of the 6,000-plus Americans whose names probably will one day be on the Iraq and Afghanistan versions of The Wall (to say nothing of those wounded (physically and psychologically), and all of “The Innocent Locals” that got greased in Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan — that former Vice President Richard “Dick” Cheney dies a slow, lingering and painful death, as quickly as possible.

    Which end the hypocritical, bullying, foul-mouthed, and COWARDLY motherfucker richly deserves.

    Regards,

    Neilist.

    P.S. Oh, and before I forget: As someone of greater rhetorical talents than I said recently: “Go Fuck Yourself.”

    P.P.S.: I still think all you Wonkies are PINKOS!

  31. weejee

    [re=607207]Dinishte[/re]: Oh noes!! We want’s him saved. Perhaps drooling and pooping as his major daily activities, or sent to Canada or Den Haag for great free medical care. But no, no, we want him to have gobs of time to reflect about what a dick he has been.

  32. weejee

    [re=607215]Neilist[/re]: I was called a pinkie once by an elderly woman when I was campaigning as a Vietnam Vet for McGovern.

  33. Johnny Zhivago

    If someone had given Cheney a sweet little kitten to take care of 30 years ago, perhaps it would all be different.

    Then again, he probably would have eaten it!

  34. Serolf Divad

    LOL, this Wonkette is currently the third result when you Google “Dick Cheney.” Congrats, Ken.

  35. the problem child

    [re=607207]Dinishte[/re]: I really don’t think it’s fair to wish death on any human being. Is Dick a human being? Prove it. (I’m more inclined to think he is a corporate being, which according to the Supreme Court may mean he has more rights than you, but doesn’t make him human.)

  36. Real DC Native

    [re=607207]Dinishte[/re]:

    Good for you! I know you were just as outraged at the group that was praying for Obama’s death, right? You did post a message expressing an equal amount of outrage, didn’t you? Or do you just get angry at liberal scum and let the conservative/Christian scum slide?

    Also, we’re all having fun here. You know – trying with varying levels of success to be funny. You’re not doing it right. If you are going to call us names, be creative about it. Use satire or sarcasm to get your point across. Then we might disagree with you but we might accept you.

    Oh! I get it. Conservatives can’t do sarcasm or satire. Sorry I forgot. Just get lost then.

  37. Abou Diaby

    [re=607207]Dinishte[/re]:

    Me cago en el corazon de la puta, malparida perra que tuvo el dicho de cagarte. Hijo de treinta y nueve mil putas.

  38. Beanball

    [re=607207]Dinishte[/re]: “Pathetic piece [sic] of shit”? probably, but “liberal”? I doubt that Neilist, to take a random Wonkette, is a “liberal,” in any sense you can understand or name. Personally, I like to think of him as “reasonable” and “knowledgeable,” especially in matters of guns, as he is our go-to man in questions of personal armament.

    Which reminds me: rabid dogs are usually put down, with extreme prejudice, you might say. The only rational question in this matter is, weapon of choice? A .22 Swift hollow-point behind the ear, or a more visually satisfying 10 gauge wall-splatterer?

  39. Real DC Native

    I have the perfect memorial to express our feelings about Dick Cheney. Montgomery County, suburb of DC, announced that it is no longer providing porta-johns in the county parks. But private groups can sponsor a porta-john. I think we could a chip in a few bucks to sponsor the “Dick Cheney Memorial Porta-John”. Then we can all piss in it and tell the county not to clean it – ever.

  40. Beanball

    [re=607233]Beanball[/re]: Personally, I abhor violence, and I certainly don’t advocate it, either. Still, theoretical questions do pop up from time to time on the Web. As it were. You betcha.

  41. zhubajie

    [re=607175]Dolmance[/re]: They’ll hire Mexican nurses to do the necessary, while they go on their lives and ignore him.

  42. Radiotherapy

    [re=607238]zhubajie[/re]: Bud Light Lime is the waterboarding of beer….And it’s all legal Mr. Cheney.

  43. ImBarb

    I don’t care if her old man does take the “big dirt nap” it’s still not going to keep me from wanting to punch Liz Cheney in the throat every time she opens that gateway to hell that she calls her mouth.
    If he does “quit the oxygen habit” does America have to have some sort of ceremony for him? I wonder what kind of corsage Palin is going to wear with her heavily zippered leather jacket? Maybe she’ll even blow through the mall and see the softer side of Sears and get a new frock for this occasion.
    The good thing is that Greta will be so broken up about this that we may just get to see the other side of her face be all down and pouty, matching for once in many a moon.

  44. El Pinche

    No worries to the Dinishits out there. Your Saint Cheney will live. Lockheed-Martin is the contractor assigned to maintain his alien/pig hybrid synthetic heart and they’ll fix him good. We have the best Chinese engineers on it right now, at tax payers expense of course. Good socialized medicine doesn’t grow on trees you know.

  45. Diana Davies

    [re=607207]Dinishte[/re]: Dinshit chides us for wishing death upon someone and then proceeds to wish death on our families. Is that more Republican logic or are you just stupid?


  46. Post author
    Ken Layne

    [re=607221]Serolf Divad[/re]: Hahahahah, this must be Winning the (Weekend) Evening.

  47. Neilist

    [re=607217]weejee[/re]: You Commie Pinko Fag. (John Kerry? Is that you?)

    [re=607233]Beanball[/re]: “Neilist, to take a random Wonkette”? Random my ass. Neilist is CALCULATED.

    And never mind that “10 gauge” stuff. For Cheney The Dark Lord, I’d borrow that 8 gauge boat gun that Everett used in “Appaloosa.”

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0tX8qMKFbSY

    Now, THAT was a shotgun! Rounds about as big as those for the old M-79. (Oh, pipe down, Weejee, you RED!)

  48. Abou Diaby

    My mailman has been slacking lately. If he doesn’t straighten up I’ll leave him a six pack of Bud Light Lime and not the usual bottle of Chivas I get him every christmas.

  49. Neilist

    [re=607233]Beanball[/re]: “Personally, I like to think of him as ‘reasonable’ . . . ”

    Clearly, you are insane. As well as a Commie Liberal Scum.

  50. Brick Oven Bill

    The metric of IQ does not exist. IQ DOES NOT EXIST. But, nonetheless, Dick Cheney is way smarter than Joe Biden.

  51. Radiotherapy

    Say what you want about Señor Cheney. Whether he be an evil spawn of satan incarnate, or just a insatiably greedy misguided patriot of croneycapitalism, there is one thing we all can rest assured of tonight. The top-notch, half-socialized, overpriced, heavily regulated care he is receiving is being delivered through BOARD CERTIFIED, ABMS® physicians.

  52. dex

    [re=607207]Dinishte[/re]: i will answer to “rebel scum” only. i ask that you please resubmit your huffy, foot-stamping shilling on behalf of power.

  53. sharkbait

    I hope that smirking cocksucker lives for 30 more years.
    Personifying evil is so much easier that way.

  54. Escape Goat Nation

    Oh hi,
    Escape Goat here.
    I see the Scum card has been played.
    You know, and speaking of Scum, I’m reminded of the State Song of Maryland.

    “IX

    I hear the distant thunder-hum,
    Maryland!
    The Old Line’s bugle, fife, and drum,
    Maryland!
    She is not dead, nor deaf, nor dumb-
    Huzza! she spurns the Northern scum!
    She breathes! she burns! she’ll come! she’ll come!
    Maryland! My Maryland!”

    Yeah, ain’t that great?
    The entire delightful song is here:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maryland,_My_Maryland

    Jeeze, even Kentucky changed their State Song from:

    “The sun shines bright in the old Kentucky home,
    ‘Tis summer, the darkies are gay;”

    to

    “The sun shines bright in My Old Kentucky Home,
    ‘Tis summer, the people are gay;”

    It only took 133 years to do it, but hey, give Kentucky a break.
    They move a little slow.

  55. user-of-owls

    [re=607252]Radiotherapy[/re]: I hope said physicians just cold leave those hookworms inside him. Out of spite.

    Then again, I suppose that would violate the whole ‘Do No Harm’ oath. From the hookworms’ perspective that is.

  56. Servo

    [re=607244]ImBarb[/re]: It would be comedy gold to see the Whore of Babble On and On in her Starfleet uniform give a speech at Darth Cheney’s funeral – and forget she’s not at a Teabagger rally.

  57. Servo

    I imagine the plan is to have Dick’s sock puppet, King Georgie, give him an Injun burial to honor his 0.015 ppm native blood – and to get rid of 8 years worth of cleared brush.

  58. villageatrois

    [re=607251]Brick Oven Bill[/re]: “nonetheless, Dick Cheney is way smarter than Joe Biden.”

    Dirt is smarter than Joe Biden. More consistent, longer lasting. So, as Cheney turns to dirt….

  59. WadISay

    There would be a certain poetic justice to Cheney dying during a World Cup in South Africa. When he was in the Senate, he voted against a non-binding resolution of support for Nelson Mandela, then in prison.

    When he finally croaks, his body should be made into urinal cakes.

  60. imissopus

    [re=607207]Dinishte[/re]: C’mon Greta, you know your ratings would be gold for a couple of weeks.

  61. NYNYNY

    [re=607264]WadISay[/re]: which vote, he was rewarded for with a tiny little south african diamond, which he had set into a tiny cock pircing, which was then inserted into his tiny cock. It was a marvel of piercing ingenuity.

  62. DC Hates Me

    I say we vuvuzela Cheney’s funeral for the whole world to hear. With painted drunks shouting GOOAAALL!!

  63. Neilist

    On second thought: We need to stop the negativity inherent in this post. (I admit that I, too, am to blame.)

    Let’s “Get Positive,” Comrade Wonkies and Workers! Put those queer shoulders to the wheel (a la Ginsburg, that pinko fruitcake). Let’s come up with a “Big Idea” behind which all Americans can rally!

    How about a continuing feature on Wonkette?

    “Dick Cheney DEATHWATCH – Day 1! America HOPES! . . . .”

    Think of the program/post opportunities:

    Man-on-the-Street interviews. (“Sir, where were you when you learned of the former Vice President’s most recent cardiac incident?”)

    On-location interviews with members of the Cheney family. (Mary’s can be in that Lesbo Bondage Club over in West Hollywood.)

    “Backgrounders” on the scientific angles: “Dr. Spaulding, can you tell our home audience exactly how hot it will be in that Seventh Circle of Hell Lucifer has reserved for Mr. Cheney?”

    Sunday Morning Religious Features, e.g., “An Interfaith Discussion As To The Demons Each Religion Tradition Will Assign To The Eternal Torment Of The 46th Vice President.”

    This kind of thing can bring this country together again!

    [Layne: I want a piece of the additional advertising revenues generated. The price of ammunition STILL has not gone down, even though it's been two years since O'Bama was elected and the Death Panels have not yet started . . . .]

  64. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Who is Cheney? He is supposed to be from Wyoming. Some say his father was a government worker. Nobody believed he was real. Nobody ever saw him or knew anybody that ever worked directly for him, but to hear Bush tell it, anybody could have worked for Cheney. You never knew. That was his power. The greatest trick that Cheney ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. And like that, poof. He’s gone.

  65. zhubajie

    [re=607207]Dinishte[/re]:

    Do not give heed to every word that is spoken lest you hear your servant speaking ill of you,
    for you know in your heart that you have many times spoken ill of others.

    Eccl. 7:21-22

  66. bloatedwhitetruck

    Oh wait…is it too late for this?

    From the OED –

    The condemned man would usually be sentenced to the short drop method of hanging, so that the neck would not break. The man was usually dragged alive to the quartering table, although in some cases men were brought to the table dead or unconscious. A splash of water was usually employed to wake the man if unconscious, then he was laid down on the table. A large cut was made in the gut after removing the genitalia, and the intestines would be spooled out on a device that resembled a dough roller. Each piece of organ would be burned before the sufferer’s eyes, and when he was completely disemboweled, his head would be cut off.

  67. scooterKPFT

    I was going to write something really true about Cheny but my Wonkette made me feel sorry for him

  68. zhubajie

    [re=607275]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: You’ve read “The Dunwich Horror”? He’s the *third* Whateley brother!

  69. obfuscator

    And I’ll watch while you’re lowered
    Down to your deathbed
    And I’ll stand over your grave
    ‘Til I’m sure that you’re dead.

  70. J

    The really sad thing is, and this is true, when the fucker croaks, his horrible daughter, Liz, will use it to ride a tidal wave of GOP sympathy to get elected to Congress in some godforsaken Republican state and then we will have to hear more from her, not only like we do now on the cable channels, but the bitch will actually have some real legislative power. We will never get rid of the Cheneys in our lifetime. They are like the vampires in Twilight, only evil.

  71. Aurelio

    “Why are the wicked always so strong? Tell me, brave captain.”
    –Moira Lister, Abandon Ship, Columbia-Tristar, 1957

  72. Geogre

    [re=607286]Aurelio[/re]: Yep, and:
    “…How do the angels get to sleep/ When the devil leaves his porch lights on” — Tom Waits, 1980 (alluding to that and adding a drunkard’s lament).

    Dick Cheney is a crisis, as was W. We’re not done, either. The moral shakedown of our culture will show up five years from now, if we have any culture, but I was reminded of Swift’s suggestion that all heroes should deliver themselves from the world by means of a helpful piece of rope, as they are all monsters. The person who thinks he can save the world usually doesn’t ask the world if it wants to be saved, or if it consents to the method, and he almost never quits when he or she is ahead.

    Cheney is going to get a chapter in history books, and it’s going to be a chapter that, despite committing everything to PowerPoint (TM) so as to prevent evidence, the man-sized safes, the hiding from Google Earth, the “Treat as Top Secret,” the over classification of everything, including Chinese take-out menus, will be filled with shocking footnotes.

    He’s a “Master of War,” yes, but he’s he’s much, much, much, much worse. When all his collaborators die, when all the people who, upon hearing an order, figure they ought to obey rather than check to see if they have to follow it, sane or sober up — then we can party.

  73. druranium

    [re=607275]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: ha, Lionel, you always make me laugh. I can picture zombie frankenstein Phil Hartman in a studio somewhere recording the line “Who is Cheney, He is supposed to be from from Wyoming…”

  74. druranium

    BUD LIGHT LIME is the winecooler of beers.

    Why was ‘General America, Fuck Yeah, I can totally beat everyone in this room’s gay ass in a fight if only they weren’t such pussies that they wouldn’t even try to slap my ass as I walk out to this gay French meeting’ drinking this so often that it became his favorite?

    McCrystalmeth and his team are self-satirizing, thank you Hastings for shining a light.

  75. S.Luggo

    Dick is so nasty that the Angel of Death refuses to visit. Send a garbage truck.

    [re=607175]Dolmance[/re]: Mothers are sweet.

    [re=607171]chascates[/re]: Likewise Roger Ailes.

  76. weejee

    [re=607272]Neilist[/re]: And fag to boot? My lovely bride will get a chuckle on that.

    But you are rightamondo, we should be positive, proactive even, and not dwell on factoids like that Iraq thingie ten years ago, or that true justice should have seen that that poisonous toad had been run over by a manure truck about thirty years ago, or that forty years ago he “had better things to do” than go and join Neilist and I and our respective bands of mother fucking brothers in the Nam, or that, or that….

    ‘Scusies, I must take the M60 conversation piece off my coffee table now and be proactive.

    /hyperventilating

  77. Carrabuda

    [re=607275]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Was revisiting that just last night. Jeb/Soze 2012!

  78. x111e7thst

    [re=607286]Aurelio[/re]:

    The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
    The best lack all conviction, while the worst
    Are full of passionate intensity.

  79. Numbat Dundee

    Sorry comrades, we are done. Once he is dead they are preparing to clone him and insert him into a billion Daleks. Waterboarding Daleks!

  80. weejee

    [re=607221]Serolf Divad[/re]: [re=607247]Ken Layne[/re]: We haz moved to second this morn on the Googleometer.

  81. JavaJack

    And if he does die soon, all his monies goes to his loving family untaxed. So maybe they will just kill him to help the process along.

  82. tribbzthesquidz

    Where did all the fucking trollz come from? I thought we were safe here. I feel violated.

  83. bloatedwhitetruck

    Hunter C. Thompson had some grand plans for Nixon. Too bad he is not around for Cheney’s exit.

    “If the right people had been in charge of Nixon’s funeral, his casket would have been launched into one of those open-sewage canals that empty into the ocean just south of Los Angeles. He was a swine of a man and a jabbering dupe of a president. Nixon was so crooked that he needed servants to help him screw his pants on every morning. Even his funeral was illegal. He was queer in the deepest way. His body should have been burned in a trash bin.”

    I vote for a trash bin, one large enough to accommodate Liz Cheney as well.

  84. BlueStateLiberal

    Well, according to the Fox news doctor (actually not a bad guy), Cheney is a “historical marvel.” After recounting all the taxpayer-funded work done on Dick’s heart, the poor guy seemed like he still couldn’t understand how Dick could still be alive. Yes, it’s medically possible, but still…

  85. Justin Time

    Now let’s show some respect for the Dick, people! It will be helpful if the dickmeister is placed thirty feet below ground, because, deep down, Cheney is a decent man. And once the Dick is buried, Wonketeers the world over should gather to pay our respects at the grave site. In a formal ceremony, we should collectively and reverently sprinkle expensive scotch on his grave. But with a twist – the scotch should first be filtered through our kidneys.

  86. rastignac

    [re=607207]Dinishte[/re]: The irony is absolutely exquisite. You call someone pitiful for rejoicing in the death of someone who is one of the darkest soul’s in the history of this country. Then you turn around and wish for the death of a family member of the person who wished for Cheney’s death … a family member who had nothing to do with the remark at all. You must feel all warm and safe, snugly wrapped in Cheney’s dark cloak.

  87. WIDTAP

    Am I the only one to notice the cosmic link between Dick and Kim Jong Il? They rise to powwer togther. They decline togther. If we could only get one of the slimey bastards to die maybe the other would be taken with them in the same satanic pact.

  88. S.Luggo

    Does the hospital cafeteria have broasted baby flesh on the menu? Dick’s a very picky eater.

    [re=607275]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: One cannot be betrayed if one has no people.

    [re=607207]Dinishte[/re]: Je scum, donc je suis.
    But I don’t want the Dickster to die. I want him to be forced to watch “From Justin to Kelly” or “The Hottie And The Nottie” on an endless loop. Maybe both. No fucking mercy.

  89. rastignac

    [re=607234]Real DC Native[/re]: That is a great idea. By why not elaborate? His face should be in the bottom of the potty, his mouth representing the hole at the bottom that we can all piss and shit into. When you flush, he greedily swallows.

  90. NJB

    I keep hoping “maybe this time!!!” – and I keep getting my hopes up, only to have them dashed yet again. Dick Cheney will never die. And neither will his hell spawn, Liz, the other immortal in the family. Have they tried a spike through the heart yet?

  91. Oblios Cap

    [re=607275]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]:

    Cheney is Kaiser Soze! He showed those men of will what will was.

  92. Oldskool

    Dick’s big problem now is how to get his gravesite pixelated on the google machine to keep all the pissers away. If I were him I’d want to be buried vertically holding an umbrella.

  93. avoidinggradingpapers

    My high school BFF’s mother was Cheney’s kindergarten teacher. In a Lincoln Journal-Star interview a few years ago, her 92-year-old mom reminisced about the leadership qualities Little Dickie showed during fire drills, holding the door for all the other children who were panic-stricken while he showed remarkable zombie-like aplomb. Are there fire drills in Hell?

  94. sezme

    There is in fact no known way to tell whether Dick Cheney is alive or dead, apart from the possibility that death will only make him stronger. I think I’d rather see him become truly frail and withered. Long life, Dick!

  95. germansteel

    When I see his ugly daughter – Liz – on the teevee, I think I hate her more than her fat shitsack father. Then when I see him on the teevee, I take it back in my mind. I don’t know what kind of clusterfuck would be visited upon me if I saw them together.

  96. Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=607318]avoidinggradingpapers[/re]: “Are there fire drills in Hell?”
    Constantly…except that the escape route always leads to another room that’s on fire. Satan’s funny that way.

  97. FlipOffResearch

    [re=607244]ImBarb[/re]: The thought of Cheney’s funeral does suggest some awkward moments. It will probably be a state funeral. Obama will probably have to say something, and he has too much class to give Cheney what he deserves. So he’ll say something nice. But that won’t stop the Liz Cheney’s and the Dick Army’s from making disparaging remarks about Obama from the same stage. I can see Obama sitting through it biting his tongue and wishing for a smoke.

    Oh yeah, and why the hell isn’t that fucker in prison for crimes against humanity.

  98. Rotundo

    [re=607316]Oldskool[/re]: General Dynamics will have to design the burial vault: Imagine being tasked to design a piss proof burial vault. They’d have to bury him in clumping cat litter so some poor bastard can sift the clumps, really big ones, out on an hourly basis.

  99. lawrenceofthedesert

    I wonder if Cheney — who may exceed the Felon Nixon both in hypocrisy and lowlife politics and is surely one of the most successful war profiteers in history, ranking up there with the Krupps — has to pay for people to troll for him.

  100. druranium

    [re=607318]avoidinggradingpapers[/re]: Li’l Dickie, taking charge of the frightened children during fire drills sounds entirely plausible. Now that you mention it, someone should do a documentary on this cretins early family existence, lifespan and post cardiac arrest years. (FOR SCIENCE)

    How about it, Errol Morris?

  101. Oldskool

    [re=607325]Rotundo[/re]: He should plan to be under ten feet of gravel and perforated pipe carrying the urine to a septic tank. A perfect memorial.

  102. Can O Whoopass

    [re=607207]Dinishte[/re]: Yeah, “Liberal” has something to do with your Limbaugh implanted inability to grasp what America stood for before Nixon, full of diarrhea, spite, chauvenism and that hood you march around in when you’re drunk on moonshine, Jethro.

    Cheney’s death is a joke because he nor Bush never honored the kids they sent to die for the GOP bottom line. Anyone who defends these traitors are lucky not to be dragged into Old Sparky kicking and screaming like a 4 year old.

  103. Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=607324]FlipOffResearch[/re]: Not as awkward as the squad of crack troops armed with hammers and wooden stakes will feel when Cheney doesn’t raise from the casket. The poor dears trained for so long.

  104. stew

    [re=607207]Dinishte[/re]: Considering the number of people needlessly killed because of this evil pile of shit, I hope there’s a long line waiting to piss on his grave.

  105. predilectrix

    So, Ken, when you say “get a chair,” do you mean electric or more medieval and Iron Maiden-ish.

    Doesn’t matter to me how or when he dies. In my creed, the FSM will welcome Cheney with open tentacles, and escort him to the holodeck where he 1) receives a heart transplant, so that he can manage to 2) relive the effects of actions as felt by his recipients.

    Anecdotal evidence from hospice nurses I know: the meanest and hatefulest patients hang on the longest.

  106. Wisco

    Wow. It was fun knowing Cheney was sick, but I’m sad now. Nice work. Now I’m going to get wasted and blow my vuvuzela until the police come and take me away.

  107. predilectrix

    [re=607332]predilectrix[/re]: Okay, so I’m a heretic. Cthulhu has the tentacles. Cheney will be enveloped by a blood red tomato-based noodly embrace.

  108. Diana Davies

    I’ve got my Mission Accomplished banner ready to hang out in front, just in case.

  109. Zorg

    I think the Dick should be put up in a nice, comfy, taxpayer-funded villa next to Arlington National Cemetery with a loggia where he can sit and listen to the bugles playing taps every day. The special value-added touch would be that all of the staff, from bodyguards and valets to gardeners and dishwashers would be Iraq war vets with severe, permanent injuries: amputees, burn victims and so forth. That would make for some interesting reality TV.

  110. bflrtsplk

    [re=607172]Litlebritdifrnt[/re]: Because it’s easier than saying ”failure of subdural V-chip interconnector lightning rod conductor seven of nine.”

  111. ImBarb

    Servo:
    Love the avatar. I was at the first Misty convention-com-expo-fest-o-rama way back in the day. Drank Heineken with Mike, Frank, Forrester, et al.
    Funnier than Palin’s speech would be her insistence on grabbing one of the guns for the “21 gun salute” and cranking a few off. I am sure Ted Nugent would be watching it on TV and cranking his meat puppet in delight.

  112. inedalo

    bad news, the latest medical reports say that this dick is feeling better, so he will probably survive to haunt us all in future.
    can’t someone rid us of this pile of evil nastiness?

  113. CHuckFeney

    Can you imagine the spontaneous street party worldwide when Dick’s black ticker finally ticks it’s last tock?

    I know I’ll stay drunk for week singing the Wicked Dick is dead!

    Once, there was a Wicked Dick
    From the lonely land of Wyoming
    And a wickeder, more cowardly Dick,
    This world has never seen roaming
    He filled the folks in America
    With terror and foreboding
    When one Fall day, out New York way,
    Three Towers began exploding!

    Then Wicked Dick shut our defense down
    Just as jets flew into New York town!
    For that Dick’s Hyena Heart never healed,
    And when he died the church bells peeled,
    And when the coroner pronounced him dead,
    Throughout the world, the news was spread!

    Ding, Dong the Dick is dead!
    The Cowardly Dick, The Wicked Dick!
    Ding Dong the Wicked Dick is dead!

    Wake up, you sleepy-head
    Rub your eyes, get out of bed
    Wake up, the Wicked Dick is dead

    He’s gone where the goblins go,
    Below, Below, below, yo-ho
    Let’s open up and sing And ring the bells out

    Hi, Ho down in Jackson Hole,
    Damn his 911 planning soul,
    Let them know that Wicked Dick is dead!

    ——————————————
    Here’s the tune by Ella Fitzgerald:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ngZFRisurU

  114. ellemme

    [re=607335]Diana Davies[/re]: Love it. I have a “Ding dong the witch is dead,” but I like yours better.

  115. Ratbastage

    Satan, Chainy, Bushy, and Tasmanian she-devil Cliton are trying to decide who was the biggest lyingest, rottenest, thievinest, crookedest, baby eatinest, dirt-bag on the planet. Cliton said, well it has to be me – I got the people to believe shotgun wounds to the back of the head is evidence of a suicide. And I eat babies for breakfast. Bushy said, I can nothinize that. I orchesterd the nine one eleven show an’ people believed it. I even stole a whole complete country and sent babies to war after I created terrorismists. Chainy said, amateurs. I’ve run the entire show since before you guys showed up. If you eat a baby, I’m the guy sellin it to you. I’ve go so much power an’ money I can shoot anyone in the face and they will apologize for getting in my way. Satan was speechless – he looked a little green. He stood up slowly and braced himself against the wall. He reaches into Chainy’s pocket to take get some lithium, then Bushy’s pocket for a couple of Ritalin and fianlly Cliton’s purse for a hit of crack. He slams back the pills and takes a hit. Then looks at the team of evil geniuses for a bit, and looks down into hell and says – Hey Hitler, I you owe five bucks… you were right, any retard, whore or pimp can be a leader up here.

  116. dijetlo

    [re=607248]Neilist[/re]: I’m surprised you don’t have a roach buried under your back porch…seriously, nothing says “home defense” like an explosive propelled, anti-personnel grenade.

    Cheney has had a heart attack six times and he ain’t dead, does that mean anything to you wonketeers? Cheney ain’t meant to die. The only thing that can kill Cheney is Cheney.

  117. heathenish

    [re=607207]Dinishte[/re]: [re=607226]the problem child[/re]: Well said.(I don’t think anyone has proven that he is human.) Dinishte-I just think anything Cheney ok’d in the torture memos-yeah that’s fair if that happens to him right? And it’s not wrong to wish on him what he approved for others right-that’s in your Book.Do unto others, etc.

  118. Perisan

    I was going to write something positive about Cheney, but after thinking about it and thinking about it and thinking about it, I cannot for the life of me think of anything positive to write!

    But, after reading through all the accolades posted here, I see I AM NOT ALONE!!

    Dick, the Devil awaits thee with a special hammock of thorns made especially for you hanging within scorching distance of his eternally burning fireplace.

    I wonder if anyone (besides his immediate family) will shed a tear when he passes or mourn his departure?

  119. sati demise

    [re=607437]heathenish[/re]: the doctors sometimes get a chance to torture people who have chronic illness.
    more tests & probes, more needles, less drugs. more barium enema. etc

  120. Aurelio

    [re=607207]Dinishte[/re]: The fact you would wish death on someone is pitiful….

    Then let’s just wish that Dick Cheney’s parents had never met.

  121. gurukalehuru

    Dinishte is Dine Shite, or Die n Shit, or something like that, troll motherfucker piece of shit.

  122. TellMeNoLies

    Okay, now that Dick’s dead (hey, I can dream, can’t I?) let’s
    all go for a swim in the world’s biggest crapper “The Gulf of Turdkin,”
    formally known as the Gulf of Mexico.

    Everyone in now! I don’t wanna see any party poopers. Actually, you
    can poop, but only in the “Gulf of Turdkin.”

    Last one in is a rotten egg! Actually, everyone in is a rotten egg!

    http://www.theamericansheeple.com/specialpublication.html

  123. DigitalGravy

    Well…. lets see, we now have a dead byrd in Crapital Hill, but suck my Dick Cheney is still Kickapoo’en. Too bad that DC didn’t have feces eruption while the bimbo eruption was going on.

    Those SOB’s pass tax breaks for off shore’n our needed jobs, while slip’en us the weeny with higher taxes. Oh and I can’t thank those Bas***ds enough for passing 800 billion bailout for the bagle bouncers and trillions of dollars for illegal wars, that are killing our best young men and women.
    Let us not forget our NEW HEALTH CARE policy, that will bust your wallet or land you in jail IF YOU DON’T BUY a POLICY (loose terms) from the theft and con SOB’s some call the HEALTH CARE INDUSTRY! But we are BROKE cry the RINO’S and the DINO’S the SOB’s couldn’t find the money to extend unemployment payments that every working American pays into every payday? BULLLLLLLL!

    These A**HOLES need to be put out to pasture. My remedy… REMEMBER NOVEMBER! VOTE INDEPENDENT!

  124. A Geek Tragedy

    [re=607190]user-of-owls[/re]: Unfortunately falangist lawyers have cut Garzón’s sizable balls off because he sticking his nose in all those murders Franco did.

  125. DigitalGravy

    [re=607489]A Geek Tragedy[/re]: Can anyone find some of those BALLS on Crapital Hill?

  126. NopantsMcGee

    Dick Cheney will only die if someone takes him to Mt Doom and thrusts him into the furnace in which he was created.

  127. smitallica

    Can’t we just waterboard him back to health? I mean, it’s definitely not torture and therefore, by pure logic, can only be beneficial and almost fun! Worth a try.

  128. AuntieLola

    So when he does finally drain the budget on his taxpayer-funded healthcare,
    what kind of funeral arrangements are we supposed to pay for?

    Do former VPs get the whole shebang? Or is it just a quiet affair with his family and leaderless minions?

  129. Custersdeadhorse

    Best memorial ever for dick cheney would be to have his head served on a silver platter to VP Biden, while Biden is presiding over the US Senate, just prior to the evening TV news.

  130. GOPCrusher

    [re=607435]dijetlo[/re]: I see it as further proof that God does not exist.
    But on the other hand, I don’t want Dick to die too soon. He hasn’t face trial for his war crimes. Either that, or something truly horrific is going to happen to him before he checks out, Karma is funny that way.

  131. Neilist

    [re=607435]dijetlo[/re]: “explosive propelled, anti-personnel grenade.”

    “Mine,” dear boy. “Mine.” Specifically, the German “S Mine” or equivalent, a/k/a the “Bouncing Betty.”

    Buy AMERICAN and get the U.S. Army’s M-16 version”

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M16_mine

    Ah, the Classics. Had to improve on perfect, eh what?

  132. 60,s child

    I am truly disgusted with the way Bush and Cheney got away so far with the crimes they committed against all of humanity and the enviroment. The wealthy keep getting richer of the backs of the poor and we do nothing. The right wing idiots keep spreading their hate and division in the name of God and no one stands up. I am a tree hugging, freedom believing (for everyone, not just the chosen few) and lover of life. WHEN ARE WE GOING TO WAKE UP? STOP LETTING THEM DIVIDE US? AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! WE DESERVE THE GOVERNMENT WE LET RULE!!!!

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