It’s Friday, I’m in love (with Barry Soetoro!). Let’s celebrate the end of another week in which two unwinnable wars continued unabated and Asian schoolchildren are still smarter than your bloated autism-chic grease-coated offspring will ever be! I’m buying a round of IEDs for all y’all up in this par-tay, and you know what that means: SAKE BOMBS! Woot woot! Woot woot!
This week was fucking rad. Remember when President Obama tore off Stanley McChrystal’s entire epidermis because Stan was acting like a little bitch and telling mean jokes to his Army boyfriends? Now Rahm Emanuel wears that skin, in the shower at the gym, where he is waiting to be Jew-Raptured to the Heaven that is Chicago mayoralty.
Another great happening occurred when Tony Hayward’s Roomba bumped into Underwater Oileyjafjallajokull and made it explode harder. BP swore it would fix the thing, but before it capped that ass there were like eighteen bajillion gallons of crude vomited back into the sea. Even though Tony is no longer the head douche in charge of saying terrible things to Gulf-area humans, many ex-subsistence-shrimpers would like to cut his dick off, which the New York Times says is maybe not such a bad thing!
Fol-de-rol, and and so it goes, another week gone by and nary an Osama found. Afghanistan, the Good War ™, is somehow now even more of a scrumblybumblyfuck than The Iraq, so our nation’s media says. If this is a true lie, why has Kathryn Bigelow not made a sun-washed, tensely paced film about the erotic bomb dismantlers of Kabul? Also, Obama’s eyes continue to shine with the promise of a new tomorrow, so I am hopeful that this will all be over by Chanu-mass.
Have a lovely weekend, Wonketteers. I’m spending my weekend in Real America, the Appalachian Mountains of North Carolina. Actually, I’m headed to the People’s Republic of Asheville, where the lesbians grow thick and wild and white men with dreadlocks roam under the full moon eclipse, searching for magic mushrooms and holy crystals and a nice place to smoke the dank, brah.
It is true that Osama bin Laden hides in the mountains — these mountains, the Blue Ridge portion of the Appalachians, not far from the Great Smokies. Osama is in deep cover as a lesbian massage therapist with an MFA in poetry. I am going to get a combination Reiki/shiatsu treatment at his deceptively folksy spa-cave, and then I am going to take him down, like Stanley McChrystal and Joseph Biden and George W. Bush and Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney never have and never will. I will bring the head of Hippie Lesbosama bin Laden to Barack Hussein Obama and lo, shall the feasting and dancing last ‘til dawn! SAKE BOMBS! Woot woot! Woot woot!
Sara Benincasa kind of lost it this week. DIDN’T YOU? DIDN’T EVERYBODY? Jesus ….
{ 88 comments }
Oh, I thought you were going to buy us a round of IUDs. That would be different, and would prevent the autistic fat children issue.
Sara, WIN! The best I can wish for you is that Ken L., as a business expense, is paying for the comestibles you use to get into the state of mind you need to be in order to post what you post. Don’t abuse the privilege, though… IOW, don’t bill for Kristal what can be accomplished with Smirnoff, etc. And as for the herbilage, just call it “kale.”
To the geniuzes at the NYT about being pro-castration:
You First
Whewww…Sara, if you start the weekend at this level, you’ve got a really shitty downhill ride… better to go with teh Cuba Libres and seque in Saturday…but Woot! Woot! to you too!…
This made me happy. Laugh ha lolzerburger beer.
While in Beautiful Asheville, be sure to check out a few of their many brightly-clad goddess-centric lesbian drum circles. You might even see my aunt! I am fairly certain that she is not Osama. She’s only been with her girlfriend for a few years tho… Well, at any rate, if your masseuse inquiry fails, at least let them get through the first set before you bust out the cattle prod.
Christ, am I the ONLY ONE who won’t be getting a 2nd Chakra release this weekend?
Hooray, nobody gets banned for rapid-fire complaining about a faulty close-italics tag ….
Interesting, but…
No Comics Curmudgeon, no peace!
I see someone’s been cutting and pasting from her dream journal again.
Lesbosama is not Lessobama.
You’re, like…funny. You say funny things. I laughed. You better keep it up or I’ll be bitter and disappointed. I’ll say rude things about you. No pressure. Keep smiling! It’s an asset.
[re=606931]Ken Layne[/re]: Uh, first?
[re=606931]Ken Layne[/re]: Well, it’s Friday and I’m slouched to the right in my chair so it all looked normal to me.
Sorta James Joyce meets Hunter S Thompson, very well done mylady
Sake bosoms?
I knew we should have never let those Roombas become self-aware.
You know, I did take two Klonopin on zero hours of sleep before I wrote this. I forgot about that.
[re=606919]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Everyone gets a Mirena, or a ParaGuard.
[i][re=606931]Ken Layne[/re]: Haha! I was literally about to compliment the lack of end-tag. I think all comments on Sara’s work should be in italic. It’s like the letters have all had Sake bombs. Woot Woot![/i]
[re=606957]Sara Benincasa[/re]: What happened to all of my ambien? And who broke my dresser?
Osama is in deep cover as a lesbian massage therapist with an MFA in poetry.
Geez, now you tell us! Gary Faulkner is going to be very, very upset with this revelation.
http://www.cnn.com/2010/US/06/25/spellman.faulkner.interview/?hpt=T2
It’s a sad fact: their Hot Asian Schoolgirls are much smarter than our Barely Legal Teen Angels.
I hate weekends, but I did get an iPhone 4 — best coke mirror evah.
nobody wins in afghanistan. ever. you can look it up, the records go way back. not even the afghans win in afghanistan, but they’re pretty much stuck there. as for the americans among us here in wonkettia, it’s a matter of getting out of there with as much of our national ass intact as possible. any suggestions?
Sara, if there any magic mushroom left after your weekend of debauchery please put them in a box and mail to me. Just mark the package
To: Mr. Grumpy Minneapolis, MN.
They know where I live, K? Thanks.
[re=606960]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: dammit, I was supposed to use HTML tags, was I?
Oh fuck, I had managed to memorically suppress the knowledge that it’s “Pride” weekend, and that stream of spewedness brought it back to the forefront of my tortured mind. Thanks a LOT, Benincasa. Shit.
Damn that is some fine funny writing…the chicks are one-upping the guys again here.
[re=606971]slappypaddy[/re]: So true. I read a very interesting story in the ’80s about what some Afghans did to their Soviet village overlord, and it’s remained fixed in my memory ever since. We are screwed.
“Gettin’ Wet with Sara Benincasa”. That title works for YouTube videos and/or Wonkette posts.
Have a good weekend!
For excellent food (which happens to be vegan) in Asheville, try Laughing Seed. And thanks for the laughing.
Enjoy your weekend, fresh meat. But before you attempt to go all Drunken Master on that soft-spoken sister of the caves, get a cupping to augment your reiki & shiatsu. You will be so in tune with the circle of life, the homicide will seem more holier.
[re=606980]Blender[/re]: you must admit it was a hellish week, even for comics.
bloody hell. a massive black hole for comedy.
This is hot:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/06/25/neil-cavuto-called-an-ass_n_626211.html
Thanks, Sara Benincasa, for reminding me that the last time I had sake I got fired. That’s true, and it’s the best part of a sad, demeaning, humiliating story that I brought upon myself with sake. You’ve been warned, Sara Benincasa.
I am not yet drunk enough to be fooled again! Sara Benincasa is Jim Newell’s drag name.
[re=606931]Ken Layne[/re]: Faulty tags? Thought that it was if you don’t slash, you burn
SAKE BOMBS! Woot woot! Woot woot!
Amateur. The correct term is “Sake Bomb. Kampai!”.
And I have the hangovers to prove it.
[re=607012]Joshua Norton[/re]:
Just got back form sapling a few of these. And hooked up the new 24″ flat screen momitor (on sale at Dell!. Life is good, even if I’m not sorrounded by NC lesbos.
Cheney Monster protests Pride Week, is hospitalized instead.
[re=607018]Jim89048[/re]: Yay! Let’s outrage the wingtards!
I hope his little nanobot heart finally exploded.
[re=607020]El Pinche[/re]: 8 years too late, I’m afraid.
[re=607020]El Pinche[/re]: NYT says it’s for “discomfort”…does he have a soul/conscience struggling to get out?
[re=607021]Jim89048[/re]: I’m hoping for ass cancer. Or testicular elephantitius, which ever is worse.
WHAT!?! Dick Cheney is hospitalized (it better be the big one!) and there is no snark on Wonkette? We must make do with HuffPo’s “’tis better to say nothing…” comments?
I wonder if Jim Newell posted something over at Gawker. Gotta go!
Yay Obama Girl! Amber we 3> U!!1!!
[re=607018]Jim89048[/re]: That’s the best news I’ve heard all day! And that pic they posted with the story is hilarious – I’m surprised they didn’t Blingee it! And because I learned all about alt-text on teh Wonkett, I now find myself looking for funny alt-text everywhere… and then being sorely disappointed.
[re=607023]chascates[/re]: And I hope it’s hereditary, and communicable.
Mebbe they found some WMDs up Cheney’s ass, and they’re going to hold him as a terrorist’s mule. WMDs up the ass can cause discomfort, but Cheney has no feelings, so I don’t know what caused him to go to the doctor in the first place. Maybe the nuclear warheads were sticking out or something.
Hmm, Cheney’s been hospitalized. I hope it’s not fatal. Lingering and painful, but not fatal.
Goddamnit Sara! Nothing on the Al Gore sex attack on narcoleptic Lesbonians? Jesus what kind of Ivy League hellhole did you get that journalism degree from again? You say Idaho State? Hmmm…..
[re=606971]slappypaddy[/re]: I think “Declare victory and get out” is as good a bit of advice now as when it was first offered.
[re=606919]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: first and best! free condoms for the first 50 posters too!
Hiking the Appalachian Trail?
[re=606973]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Oh my gosh, I think I live RIGHT NEXT DOOR to you. In which case, bring over that magic mushroom and I will make us a lovely hotdish.
This little recap is starting to read like Maureen Dowd. Run for your lives.
“Another great happening occurred when Tony Hayward’s Roomba bumped into Underwater Oileyjafjallajokull and made it explode harder.”
That one sentence is making me explode harder.
First chiffarobe now fol-de-rol. Succubus!
And “scrumblybumblyfuck” just got added to the spell check dictionary.
Now excuse me while I go make a devotional “offering” of thanks to my blingee-encrusted, aroma-therapy-candle-encircled, wall-sized portrait of a certain someone.
It must be pretty damn intimidating having a meeting with Rahm when he’s wearing General McChrystal’s skin. I can picture him pulling McChrystal’s face over his own and then pulling it back over his head like a hoodie several times in the conversation, as though he was idly playing with it. In fact I think it’s time he called Lindsey Graham in to talk about Cap and Trade.
[re=607022]dudeabides[/re]:n o, never,
he owns a lot of BlackRock stock.
[re=607020]El Pinche[/re]: the only good news this week
[re=607057]SayItWithWookies[/re]: McChrystal is being described as a ‘lefty’? (oh really?)
maybe Rahm can absorb some of that through his skin.
Make sure to buy something on Iwanna.
[re=607057]SayItWithWookies[/re]: and then, he pokes his tongue out through it’s eye.
and to just freak Linds out forever he whispers; ‘ It rubs the lotion on it’s skin or it gets the hose again.’
then, Linds craps himself. the end.
I’m just happy about the impending God Fart.
Keep losing it, please. “It” isn’t worth keeping anyway.
Click the last link & go watch her videos. DO IT NOW.
What kind of internet web site is this and how did Net Nanny let me get here!?
[re=607039]WadISay[/re]: his heart has attacked him five times. doesn’t seem he’ll ever get the message.
SarahPalinUSA
Lamestream media: I never compared Obama to Hitler. Quit making things up.
about 4 hours ago via web
[re=607060]sati demise[/re]: I thought generals didn’t have political persuasions. Of course once you get fired for gross insubordination, your enemies get to decide you obviously weren’t one of them.
[re=607063]cheeto_jeebus[/re]: Rahm wouldn’t let Lindsey leave without making him swear to support the bill, then put his thumbprint in blood on a bottle of Ronald Reagan’s hair dye to seal the deal.
[re=607018]Jim89048[/re]: He’s such a tease. Deathbed confession followed by miraculous recovery or GTFO.
The reviews are in and the critics think ingenue Sara Benincasa’s latest outing, “The Week Everything Fell Apart Again,” is boffo!
I laughed. I cried. I had to take a Klonopin.
Kathy Griffin
Bravo TV
The best work to come out of the dizzy children movement in years.
Peggy Noonan
Wall Street Journal
Compared to rising star Benincasa, Newell’s work reads more like that of a clown stuck in 1985.
Anonymous
Rolling Stone
A lot more lulz than anything I ever wrote.
Chinua Achebe
Rolling Stone
[re=607077]user-of-owls[/re]: AHAHAH! Chinua Achebe reference FTMFingW!
Will there be lesbian mudwrestling, or at least spankfests? Cause otherwise I can’t be bothered.
[re=607079]Sara Benincasa[/re]: I’m honored!
I’m so aroused by this.
Darth Cheney announced that his work has been done and checked himself into a hospital.
(Cheney “was not feeling well.” Cheney was not feeling well. And how are we feeling? How is the nation? How is the world? Cheney was not feeling well, while the rest of us are not feeling alive, since we’re only pretending to enjoy the USA World Cup thing.)
Asheville is a nice town — bit of a class crust there, so one must stay with the youngs as long as one can, lest one run into the difference between the Proper and the Riff Raff.
[re=607050]hockeymom[/re]:
Mmmmmmmm electric hotdish.
Haha..I do enjoy fondling my doo-hickey while Wonketting per the Lesbos written by an obviously sweater engorged Hottie. Typing this leftie so excuse any typos or Libwakman created geysers. At least My Gushers dont cover birds..outside of that one cute Barnyard Fowl years ago when I was lonely and on the pot. Wootie-Wootie!
Sarah, I’d never heard of you until you appeared on this Wonkette site. Then I looked you up and was so impressed with how healthy your eyes and gums look and how I am absolutely convinced you taste really good and stuff, even though you are a redhead which has always traditionally disgusted me on some very deep level and for which I have always believed is caused by a missing and/or defective gene. You have overcome your bad genes in every possible way. This is no small achievement.
I just thought I’d put that out there.
[re=607057]SayItWithWookies[/re]: It puts the lotion on the McCrystal.
Ummmm…it’s Saturday and I’m still waiting for my sake bomb, thank you very much.
I now officially want to party with Sara Beninwhatever. And believe me I been in whatever. NIIIICCCE!
Ken Layne’s typewritten entries never elicit this kind of response from me for some reason.
All that sake lesb-dick cutting-skin wearing-lotion talk is giving me the itch.
Hilarious! Also
[re=607030]AutomaticPilot[/re]: Check out xkcd sometime, they know how to do the alt-text.
“all yall” indicates the real thing. ’bout time we had some represent on this website, and no, Virginia doesn’t count. Virginia is the same as Connecticut if you’re Texan.
Then again, most Texans couldn’t find Virginia on a map of the Middle East.
These posts are still more coherent and less ridiculous than anything Peggington Noonington ever wrote.
[re=607399]Mad Brahms[/re]: God, I love Peggington Noonington.
How did I miss this post last week? Well I am here LATE but still totally amused.
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