that's exactly where her head is

Jan Brewer Is Closely Watching the Rectums of Illegal Immigrants

Sniff sniff.We have a new candidate for America’s Next Top Mexican Sociophysiologist. America’s Governor, Jan Brewer of Arizona, said today that a “majority of the illegal trespassers that are coming into the state of Arizona” are drug mules. “There’s strong information to us that they come as illegal people wanting to come to work. Then they are accosted and they become subjects of the drug cartel,” Brewer said, having a lot of experience with this rectal stuff. Things are getting very hard for Mexicans. Soon they will not be able to dig into the United States, their only method of crossing the border, because there will be an underground electric fence. But also all of them are constantly getting drugs stuck up their butts?

Mexicans should try covering their asses, because this is a serious problem. Can’t they just poop out the drugs, you ask? Heh, you sure have lived a sheltered life, haven’t you? Drugs, once stuck up your ass, turn your brain into a DRUG BRAIN. All you can think about is getting the drugs in your ass to the drug unloading site and getting your ass reloaded again in Mexico. You stop thinking about getting a job ever again. That’s why it’s a totally valid and funny joke when conservatives say Messicans are lazy.

THIS is why Jan Brewer and Arizona have passed their immigration law. They just care so, so much about Mexicans’ sore rectums and want to do ANYTHING they can do to help soothe those asses. [AP]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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84 comments

  1. freeradical

    “There’s strong information to us…”??? WTF does that even mean? Oh, that she’s a wrinkly old racist cracker, that’s what. And I’ll bet NO ONE wants to shove anything up her butt.

  2. SayItWithWookies

    Also most of those illegals have hot tubs and Cadillacs. That whole hardworking-impoverished-with-a-family-of-eight-to-feed thing is a front.

  3. Radiotherapy

    Way to get crackin’ there Jan. We need Board Certified Proctologists on the border, NOW. Anal *wink*, *wink*.

    And all this concern about these poor immigrant’s rectums will ultimately have a positive impact on their health. With all the probing and colonoscopies they will certainly have lower colon cancer death rates. And if we find some tumors they can go back to Mexico for all of their surgery, chemotherapy, and radiotherapy. Right? I mean we can just jettison them out of our overpriced, highly litigious health care system, Right?

  4. JMP

    I’m no drug cartel has ever thought of employing American citizens, preferably white folks who are more likely to get waved through by customs, to act as drug mules.

  5. GOPCrusher

    What ever happened to the good old days, when you would get two hippies to drive a van made out of pot across the border?

  6. sezme

    The only people trying to stick things up Mexicans’ bungholes is (wait for it) Republican politicians. For freedom.

  7. SlouchingTowardsWasilla

    Jan doesn’t seem to know much about how easy it is to get drugs across the border. Actually, Jan doesn’t seem to know much.

  8. Lucidamente

    Everybody knows that Mexican rectums take jobs American rectums won’t do (though I hear Dave Weigel’s is available).

  9. zhubajie

    [re=606891]Mahousu[/re]: That might actually be a good idea! Give them Utah and Texas, too. The rest of us can be happy.

  10. GOPCrusher

    You know, if this Arizona Anti-Browns Law is so harmless, why are they working so hard to defend it?

  11. UncleTom

    More evidence that all Republicans are closet gays…their endless obsession with people putting things in their hiney.

  12. Toomush Infermashun

    Drugs in their butts
    Drugs in their butts
    Walkin around with
    Drugs in their butts….

    sorry…

  13. Norbert

    Brewer is right about the anal smuggling — but it’s not drugs they’re bringing, it’s Hezbollah terrorists all scrunched up and wriggling around in there. see TPM — I would post a link but it’s Friday at 6:26 so fuck it.

  14. Barrelhse

    Rectum? I’ll say it rectum- blew him all to hell.

    Anyway, Today we are all Rectums.

  15. Beowoof

    [re=606867]Doglessliberal[/re]: Jan believes the only berriers these guys are picking are dingle berries.

    Jan also sounds experienced taking it in the ass.

  16. Neoyorquino

    Jan’s no mule. There’s no room, with her head firmly wedged in her ass. Well, that and all those undigested cheeseburgers. I swear, in Arizona, it’s considered your patriotic duty to eat your own weight in beef each week.

  17. rmjag

    [re=606855]freeradical[/re]: the other reason why no one wants to stuff things ( ie penis )up her wrinkly butt is all the teeth down there snapping away – as also her wrinkly c–t

  18. snoidoid

    If she truly believes that, then I guess the few Mexicans who really are carrying drugs are carrying them straight to the governor’s mansion, where Brewer “disposes” of them.

  19. rmjag

    The romney clan emigrated to mexico and then emigrated back to the usa ( utah ). generations of drug mules . AND they all have big asses – and large families . has no one done the math on this ?

  20. Rotundo

    When I read this, it reminded me of the old story about Aristotle Onassis asking Maria Callas to examine his ass to check his hemorrhoids and blasting a fart in her face as she drew close to look. Made me smile imagining the guv getting two nostrils jam packed with frijole fog.

  21. TheWaltonFirm

    I hate to be serious in these comments, but Brewer, as crazy/hatefull/paranoid as she is, has said nothing ass-related. The term “drug mule” would most commonly refer to someone carying drugs with them, like, in a convenient shoulder bag for instance, and would only refer to carrying drugs anally in an extremely rare case. I get that the right wing anal fixation is a solid recurring source of humor, but maybe Wonkette is reaching a little far to make the connection on this one?

  22. rmjag

    [re=606983]Rotundo[/re]: might he have done that to jackie as well ? we all know she died way too soon ‘for some reason’ …

  23. Cmoney

    “There’s strong information to us…” With lie-on-the-fly phrasing of this high quality I suspect that Brewer is channeling the Great Communicator.

  24. rmjag

    [re=606986]TheWaltonFirm[/re]: i ‘hate’ to be ‘fatuous’ but … oh no i don’t . ‘kidding’

  25. Roflcopter

    this site and the comments in it are akin to walking into a public restroom, looking around and announcing “there is nothing good to eat in here!”.

    Really, I thought FARK had some seriously small liberal minded retards in it, but you people take the cake.
    I live in an AZ border town and can tell you first hand– YES THEY ALL HAVE DRUGS. How do you think they make their start up money once they are on this side? Figure it out Einsteins.

  26. rmjag

    [re=606999]Roflcopter[/re]: so , uh , duh , einstein , uh , who buys the , uh drugs , and uh , creates the uh demand ? drug mules don’t get the real money . they get pocket change and a promise not to kill their families , possibly . do uh , white american folks ever smuggle drugs , aside from the c.i.a ? ever ? commonly ?

  27. rmjag

    [re=606999]Roflcopter[/re]: almost forgot , einstein , unlike most ppl at wonkette , i will bet that you yourself could find plenty to eat in a public restroom . latrine . jan brewers ass …….

  28. Cmoney

    [re=606999]Roflcopter[/re]: But, but, FARK is for winos. And, then there’s horrible Gawker! However, I acknowledge that the floor of a public restroom can get slippery on a Friday night. It’s the price you pay for not having to “audition” for some flunky blog editor in order to be allowed to post a comment.

  29. Rotundo

    [re=606990]rmjag[/re]: It sounds like it was one of Ari’s’ favorite tricks, so I would imagine that the dignified former first lady got the “Greek Sinus Cure” as well. as for the border hoppers having drugs, quelle fucking suprise! who the fuck is taking pesos in Arizona and how else are they gonna make a buck? If they want to have fewer people dropping in, they have to start jailing the assholes that hire illegals (fines do not work, fear of prison rape is a strong motivator) and the demand will drop and fewer folks will come. If a few plant managers, HR managers, restaurant owners and construction company owners got a year or two in the slammer for hiring them, I’d bet they would be doing a much better job of checking the background of the folks they hire.

  30. Hopey dont play that game

    Mexicans is smuggling illiteracy to are children so they don’t learn none in pubic schools. Me vote Brewer.

  31. Katydid

    [re=606999]Roflcopter[/re]: I live in an AZ border town and can tell you first hand– YES THEY ALL HAVE DRUGS.

    ALL OF THEM??? SHIT, MAN, HOW MANY DRUGS DO YOU TAKE?

  32. rmjag

    [re=607011]Rotundo[/re]: fear , prison rape , strong motivator , if u throw in the greek sinus cure , i am in

  33. Poisoned Rationality

    So wait, WE’RE anal-probing the aliens now? Wha?
    Man, we should totally let those dudes from Fire in the Sky do the dirty work … damn greys …

  34. Poisoned Rationality

    [re=606999]Roflcopter[/re]: Hey buddy … tap, tap, tap

    IfyaknowwhatImean … AndIthinkyado

  35. Mahousu

    [re=606986]TheWaltonFirm[/re]: maybe Wonkette is reaching a little far…
    Reaching around, perhaps?

  36. rmjag

    [re=607029]Poisoned Rationality[/re]: [re=607029]Poisoned Rationality[/re]: ya mean you are waiting for the alpha troll to admit he’s a twat ? and he/she is waiting for you to administer the greek sinus cure . stalemate ………………..

  37. Surfeit O'Hubris

    [re=607016]user-of-owls[/re]: I’m neither psychic nor an octopus and I could tell you that: The English team sucks.

  38. rmjag

    [re=607036]rmjag[/re]: i mean , after a sinus cure like that , how much dignity is left ? it wasn’t her fault though ’cause she didn’t know – she just didn’t know ……………..

  39. WHAT?

    [re=606999]Roflcopter[/re]: “I live in an AZ border town and can tell you first hand– YES THEY ALL HAVE DRUGS. How do you think they make their start up money once they are on this side? Figure it out Einsteins.”

    How about I just make something up, instead? Sorry, you have the patent on that.

  40. bloatedwhitetruck

    Well…..I live in Phoenix and it is a well known fact that all the browns colon’s are stuffed with balloons of heroin. It is our right as self-important white people to smack our browns upside the head with our canes and demand they poop a balloon or two. How else do you think we make it through these rancid summers? Gowed with our chins on our chests. Ok, I said it cat is out of the bag.

  41. rmjag

    [re=607053]WHAT?[/re]: if a troll throws a bunch of bigoted stink ass out here then , well , maybe he does have a patent on stink ass . period . anyway , who cares ? any bidding ?

  42. Escape Goat Nation

    Get a clue Brewer. They put the dope in balloons for a reason. This is a completely safe method. So find something else to complain about.

  43. JMP

    [re=606999]Roflcopter[/re]: Oh my god, all of them? How horrible! My god, the Mexicans are coming; that must make an ignorant racist ass like your feel so scared.

    Hey, “Einstein” (I’m supposing you use that as an insult because he was a Jew and people like you just think that’s terrible), read my comment above; the drug dealers have no problems finding citizens – some even white – to ferry drugs across the border; in fact, they prefer them because they’re less likely to get caught. And anyway, drugs should be legalized and undocumented aliens are just innocent people who should not be treated as criminals and you and you KKK comrades are losing.

  44. Lono65

    “Jan Brewer is closely watching the rectums of illegal immigrants”

    Aren’t we all? I mean, those senoritas have got some sweet cabooses…you know what I’m sayin’?

  45. SiameseTrainer

    Just goes to show, Repoblicans are a lot like hermit crabs the major difference being that instead of looking for the odd bit of beach flotsam, the Repo Party is always looking for another asswhole to inhabit

  46. lawrenceofthedesert

    Brewer uses a crock like “there’s strong information to us” and the AP reporter lets her get away with it? Are we now acknowledging the Oracle of Delphi as a legitimate source? The article doesn’t even define the context of the remarks — a press conference? Chance encounter at Ikea? Doing shots in a dive bar? Disembodied voice of the governor heard throughout Phoenix? Instead of inspiring Wonkette jokes, this article is a joke.

  47. Geogre

    “Information is coming” is a normal Republican thing. The use of passive voice is a political trick that anyone with experience should see through, and the reporter sure as shootin’ should have asked. I think the reporter knew, though:

    Who rented Jan Bruer “Maria Full of Grace?”

    (An alternative scenario is that they come here “wanting better lives” and then get accosted by Arizona cops and Joe aRapio and then have to be drug mules.)

  48. libwakman

    The Rolfcopter Dickweed’s comment per startup money: The down payment on a mattress that sleeps four in a corner of an already crowded room does not cost as much as the Tums I need to buy to settle my stomach after reading batshitcrazy nonsense similar to what you drool out on your keyboard. Your sheets showing.

  49. Can O Whoopass

    Telegram from Gubbner Brewer to Darth Cheney in the hospital: “I’ll come get it stiff fer ya if you leave me a coupla bil”.

  50. Mad Brahms

    Meanwhile, the UNODC reports that cocaine use in the U.S. is on the decline; the percentage of 12th graders who have tried is now at 3.4%, down from 4.4 in 2007. This information is not “coming”; it’s in.

  51. CanadianBacon

    Okay, so the majority of illegal aliens are drug mules, apparently it doesn’t take a nobel prize in physics to know this. If the majority of illegal aliens are mules why does the governor want to change the laws about children born in the US becoming US citizens? Apparently you have to be a republican governor to believe that two mules will be able to reproduce successfully together.
    [re=606999]Roflcopter[/re]: this site and the comments in it are akin to walking into a public restroom, looking around and announcing “there is nothing good to eat in here!”.
    I would imagine an acceptable site to you, say The Corner by the National Review would be akin to walking into a fancy restaurant looking around and announcing ” there is no where good to take a shit in here!”

  52. Weeping Jesus

    [re=606970]rmjag[/re]: You might be mistaken. Have you seen the condition her “gums” are in?

  53. ImBarb

    I live in New Mexico and now I am wondering how many of the brown folks around here had to rent out their starfish to get across the boarder here.
    Sarah Palin should stop giving speeches and focus on making more money by hauling dope in her womb. It’s worked out five times for her already. Hell, she’d be a zillionaire, because every time she speaks most of America snorts anyway.

Comments are closed.