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Phase One of Evil Metro Fare Increases Coming Sunday

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How much will it cost if you're one of those people who likes to yell at the station workers?DO ANY AND ALL TRAVELING WITHIN THE D.C. AREA THAT YOU WILL NEED TO DO IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW. This Sunday socialist death cartel Metro is raising bus and rail fares $0.25 to $0.35. SmarTrip (isn’t that cool how they combined the “T,” and not dumb at all?) cards have been lowered to $2.50, so that’s nice. There will now be DVD kiosks at stations too, so Washingtonians can sneer at suburban moms pulling Paul Blart: Mall Cop out of the machine. And lastly, it was announced 14 people will die and 57 will be injured somewhere on the Blue Line next week. [Washington Post]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • SayItWithWookies

    The Red Line is for killing and maiming passengers only. Please do not kill or main passengers on the Blue Line.

  • Thugs & Criminals

    I would characterize this as a shakedown.

  • Snarkalicious

    The Blue Line in Chicago is WAY deadlier.

  • GOPCrusher

    So, the 14 people that saw Paul Blart: Mall Cop are going to die next week?

  • legalize everything

    I don’t want to hear DC people complain about the Metro. Don’t you know how good you have it?!?!

    ~ a New Yorker

  • megs

    Fare hikes = Socialism! The government should pay for my train rides! Interim Metro General Manager Richard Sarles? More like Dick Snarls.

  • ella

    And of those 14 people, at least 1 will be dead 3 or more hours before being discovered.

  • jus_wonderin

    Predictive Death and Injury? SmarT. This allows one to be prepared. Did they name names?

  • Prommie

    I was promised weekly Benincasa, weekly, goddammit.

  • JMP

    I dream for the day I get to use fare cards in place of annoying tokens and paper transfers; which was over ten years in every other city in the country. That, and service after midnight instead of having to go for an expensive cab ride. You Washingtonians have it nice and easy; also as I recall the stations are clean.

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=606733]legalize everything[/re]: Yes, I love it. Far better than sitting and burning gas on 395 every morning. And I get to read. And watch crazy people who sing, dance, and/or speak in tongues.

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=606750]JMP[/re]: They are because there is no eating or drinking permitted, though you do see more and more fat morans doing so all the time.

  • JMP

    [re=606755]Doglessliberal[/re]: Our subways don’t permit it either, but that doesn’t stop most people.

  • PlanetWingnuta

    Doors closing…please be on the look out for teabaggers…THANK YOU!

  • Sharkey

    [re=606750]JMP[/re] and [re=606753]Doglessliberal[/re]: While generally I like it, and for sure DC wouldn’t be the same without it, here are some of my pet peeves:

    1) Relentless repetition of generally worthless announcements on the intercoms.
    2) Occasional smell of urine / bathroom or smoke / burning rubber.
    3) People grifting (often teenagers with “clipboards” to make you think you’re giving to some good cause – are they being trained to be homeless?)
    4) People who can’t figure out how to use their SmarT Rip cards and hold up the line when leaving. You’re allowed to take it out of your 5-inch thick wallet, people!
    5) If your farecard gets damaged, you can only get a refund at Metro Center. This just makes no sense to me. (Once I bought a brand new fare card and upon using it *seconds later* realized I had a “bad” card – none of the gates would recognize it.)
    6) Deadly crashes that kill people. (Most would not think of this as a “pet peeve” but since Metro can’t or won’t fix the problem, to them it must just be a pet peeve.)
    7) It doesn’t go to Georgetown.

    Eh, this is tiring.

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=606804]Sharkey[/re]: If you let stuff like that bother you, you are going to die soon of high blood pressure. Just let it all go and figure it all could be a lot worse: you could be Michael Steele.

  • JMP

    [re=606804]Sharkey[/re]: Actually, while on earlier visits I found the Washington Metro much more pleasant than SEPTA (Philly) or the CTA (Chi.), I’ve used it a few in more recent times and have had quite a few complaints:

    1) The booby traps; they’re especially hard to see in the dark Metro tunnels.
    2) Finding the exits can often be a pain; and it’s easy to take the wrong one and have to go backtrack.
    3) Talon mercenaries and Super Mutants often spawn at the exits.
    4) The big one – Feral Ghoul Roamers. The basic Feral Ghouls, Roamers and Glowing Ones are are easy enough, but even at level 30 those things can quickly kill you.

  • iantenna

    looks like jack’s on a SmarmTrip.

  • memzilla

    [re=606733]legalize everything[/re]: I don’t want to hear DC people complain about the Metro. Don’t you know how good you have it?!?!

    Unless you meant this as sarcasm, you really need to read before saying that. As a Manhattan resident of 22 years, I, too, thought MTA was the height of suckitude until I started reading UnSuck DC Metro. After reading his posts, it makes the MTA look like the love child of Stephen Hawking and Buckminster Fuller. And that’s the scariest comment I can make.

  • Sharkey

    [re=606822]Doglessliberal[/re]: Yeah, I could focus on the good parts of it, but that’s no fun.

    [re=606839]JMP[/re]: Enjoy raiding the Meat Sacks that often appear near the exits.

    [re=606861]memzilla[/re]: Unsuck rules!

  • legalize everything

    Worse than this?

    To be fair, I’ve lived in NY for years but I’ve only visited DC a couple of times so I’m hardly an expert on their Metro. However, my first impression was that it was pretty good for mass transit.

    re: unsuckdcmetro
    At least now I don’t have to be so jealous and can rest easy knowing that the subway sucks everywhere.

  • memzilla

    [re=606914]legalize everything[/re]: This is a tough call, but overall, I have to say that DC Metro outsucks NYC MTA because:

    1. DC Metro has killed more of its own employees in the past two years.
    2. DC Metro subway car doors break much more often than MTA subway car doors, causing everone to have to exit the train when it happens.
    3. DC Metro subway trains run fewer cars than MTA does, which equals more crowding.
    4. Because of overcrowding, DC Metro subway passengers often pay more money to exit the system, walk to another station, re-enter and pay again, just to be able to board a train.
    5. The only thing worse than the inaudible announcements on MTA subway platforms are completely audible announcements on DC Metro subway platforms which are TOTAL LIES.
    6. DC Metro employees are not fired for committing infractions like texting while driving, being rude to customers, or hitting other vehicles.

  • DC Hates Me

    Riding the MTA is like riding a scary ride. You’re thankful when it’s over. Riding the Metro is like going to the crappiest mall with the douchiest people, or like a paid tour of a Soylent Green factory.

  • whatifimgay

    The L (Chicago) caught fire again in a subway tunnel last week. Good thing I’m not gay.

  • JMP

    [re=606962]memzilla[/re]: [re=606914]legalize everything[/re]: Now, MTA and Metro may have their bad points, but did either one of them just enter a naming deal, and now suddenly has an AT&T Station; the one goes to all the sports stadiums? Unless they do, then both are better than SEPTA.

  • meg9

    Memzilla mentions:

    4. Because of overcrowding, DC Metro subway passengers often pay more money to exit the system, walk to another station, re-enter and pay again, just to be able to board a train.

    I have never seen this happen, and I’ve been here for 6 years. I’ve also never done this.