georgetown basketball greats

Old Jews Will Make Billionaire Jeff Greene Your New Florida Senator

Remember that terrific game-winning shot against Vanderbilt? Wait, I thought this was about Jeff Green.Florida Democratic Senate candidate Jeff Greene has landed himself a lengthy profile in the scummy Weigel-less Washington Post today. Who is Jeff Greene? He is not, as far as we can tell, related to Alvin Greene. But he’s best friends with Mike Tyson, he’s sworn enemies with Ron Howard, and he has a good shot at winning the Democratic nominate for U.S. Senate in Florida because the old Jewish retirees have too much time on their hands to just elect a competent and black Congressman like Kendrick Meek.

Haven’t heard of Jeff Greene? Don’t feel bad. The man has a chance at beating Meek because he spends lots of money on teevee ads, some of them not even in Florida, and old people are both the kind of people who actually watch commercials and the kind of people who actually vote in things like primaries and school board elections.

Of course, the most important part of Jeff Greene is CELEBRITIES! “Given all that Tyson had gone through in his life, Greene said the boxer was remarkably stable. Greene met his wife at one of Tyson’s birthday parties, and he picked the boxer as best man for his 2007 wedding.” Cool beans! And one time Jeff Greene, who made his fortune in real estate, rented out a house to teevee’s Opie. Ron Howard sued because the roof was leaking and there was a rat in the house. “Greene lost the case and paid Howard $616,000 during a tough stretch for his business,” but there’s always money in the banana stand, so Greene was all right.

Most importantly, Greene himself is a Jew.

Greene walked in and received kisses on the cheek from the bubbes in the room. Wearing a dark suit and striped blue tie, he stepped behind a lectern bearing a green “Jeff Greene: Jobs, Results, Florida” sign and unfolded a white paper to “share with you some jokes I got off the Internet.” The gag posited things Jewish mothers might have said about famous people (“Christopher Columbus: You didn’t call, you didn’t write”; “Bill Clinton: Well at least she was a nice Jewish girl”), and the point was to identify him as Member of the Tribe. Greene then launched into a meandering stump speech.

Of course, the old Jewish retirees who come to campaign events, like all old retirees who come to campaign events (they make up 95% of people who come to campaign events), are lots of fun:

Bill Bromberg, 87, approached to chastise him for criticizing career politicians. Bromberg said he and his wife used to push their child in a stroller next to the parents of Sen. Charles E. Schumer (D-N.Y.). “He’s a career politician,” Bromberg said.

Oh yeah, old man? Cool beans. But perhaps Hitler was an agreeable baby too?

And finally, that Jeff Greene charm:

“I’m not an expert on Muslims,” Greene said. But he added that anyone who knows anything about the Koran knows that it contains “all kinds of this crazy stuff. And unfortunately that’s motivating a lot of these extremists.”

Get ready for a fight for your crazy base, Marco Rubio. [Washington Post]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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34 comments

  1. JMP

    Yes, Mike Tyson really had it unfair, having to spend several years in jail just because he raped a lady. Poor guy.

    Why do the Greenes always spoil elections in Florida?

    Ron Howard shouldn’t have sued the guy, though; he could have just sent Madmartigan and Sorsha to get him.

  2. Lucidamente

    “he has a good shot at winning the Democratic nominate [?!?!] for U.S. Senate”: did someone get an early start on his weekend drinking, or is l’affaire Weigel got everyone distracted?

  3. Thugs & Criminals

    “And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to be avenged of the king’s enemies. But Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines. And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well to be the king’s son in law: and the days were not expired. Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king’s son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife.”

    That silly Koran!


  4. Post author
    Jack Stuef

    [re=606698]Noonan[/re]: YES. We should have him do an audio liveblog of the Florida primary returns.

  5. GOPCrusher

    “I’ve never been into strippers or had a hooker”? And you’re running for the Senate?
    This is an EPIC FAIL in progress.

  6. red sky

    What a wonderful interpretation of the Koran, if this guy wasn’t Jewish, he could give Benedict a run for the papal position.

  7. SayItWithWookies

    A few years ago, he placed an enormously profitable bet against the crumbling housing market, a win he unabashedly peddles as evidence of his business savvy. (“Took on Wall Street and boldly predicted the collapse of the housing market,” reads his campaign literature.)

    Broke? House foreclosed on? Throw the bums out! Elect rich asshole Jeff Green to keep the little people safe!

  8. ManchuCandidate

    [re=606686]JMP[/re]:
    Ha.

    Whoever wins Greene or Meeks will be is caught in the middle of an epic struggle between Orange “Straight” Crist and Teabagger Rubio The Cruel.

  9. DickTaterPeeNoShay

    Jeff Green traveled on that play. He SOOOOO drug his foot through the double team. That shot against Vandy should have never counted. Replay proves me correct. Oh wait, not the basketball player from the cheating G’town Hoyas? Never mind…

  10. gurukalehuru

    Mike Tyson is apparently the new kingmaker. With brother-in-law Michael (moo moo, look at me, I’m a fucking cow, hippity-hoppity)Steele working the Republican side of the street and this guy infiltrating the Democratic caucus, the girlie-voiced ear biter will rule D.C.

  11. Cheney Guevara

    [re=606689]Jim89048[/re]: they want jobs for their kids so they can brag to their enemies in the retirement village.

  12. TGY

    [re=606694]Thugs & Criminals[/re]: Does it say what they did with the rest of the Philistine after removing the foreskin?


  13. Post author
    Jack Stuef

    [re=606739]DickTaterPeeNoShay[/re]: You cannot call traveling on a play like that. I was there, I saw it. Your pseudo-scientific “replays” proving he traveled are false.

  14. Clean For Gene

    “Haven’t heard of Jeff Greene?” OK, I’ll say it: of course you have–he’s Larry David’s best friend and agent.

  15. DickTaterPeeNoShay

    [re=606783]Jack Stuef[/re]: I was there too. It was amazing to actually see the ref swallow the whistle. I do love a bit of uppity private school smack talk. BTW- he traveled.

  16. Maus

    “unfolded a white paper to “share with you some jokes I got off the Internet.”

    One of the things I don’t miss about South Florida was the inevitable pandering to the old Cuban machismo commie-hunters and apparently the brain-addled who aren’t into Meek because he’s too much of a schvartze.

  17. zhubajie

    What an ignoramus! Thirty minutes of reading would tell him that the Koran is pretty much like the Tanakh. Violence, legalism, apocalypticism — they might be Siamese twins.

  18. zhubajie

    [re=606716]SayItWithWookies[/re]: It wasn’t that hard to predict. I predicted it and got a job in China. I predict growing amounts of civil violence, too, as wing-tards take revenge on the wicked and vice versa.

  19. zhubajie

    [re=606790]snoidoid[/re]: Does he have tattoos of Hitler and Mao on his right and left arms, like Mike does?

  20. Beowoof

    [re=606920]zhubajie[/re]: Really there’s some serious crazy shit in the Old Testament, pardon me I have to go stole my wife for treatment, and kill my kids for talking back to me.

  21. bunnyhead

    Makes no difference who wins the senate. Florida is a corrupt toilet. Since the BP spill it is a corrupt oily toilet.

Comments are closed.