Senate candidate Rand Paul has a lot of new, interesting ideas. On the immigration issue, your average Republican would just mumble something about building a fence at the Mexican border. Not Rand Paul! Paul has come up with his own fence idea. Instead of building one above ground, it will be underground, where the Mexicans won’t expect it. “Oh look, here’s the border, and there’s no fence up. Must be a trick! I bet there’s an invisible fence here. I shall burrow under the ground so I can get into America and steal its public schools. Wait, what’s this?” ZAP! Rand Paul outwitted you, Mexican.
Rand Paul Underground Electric Fence FAQ
Q: Wait, what if the Mexican decides to cross the border on or above the ground?
A: They won’t. See above. Rand Paul is two steps ahead of Mexican logic.
Q: At some point, won’t the Mexicans figure out they can’t get across by burrowing under the border?
A: No.
Q: But surely they will find their electrocuted countrymen under the ground and decide not to go that route, right?
A: No, they will see them and decide that there must be an Aztec curse on the border and that it can’t be crossed at all.
Q: What do immigration experts and border agents think of this plan?
A: The National Association of Immigration Experts and Border Agents endorses this proposal.
Q: Who’s the National Association of Immigration Experts and Border Agents?
A: Rand Paul, his wife, his three children, and two glasses of Pepsi.
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We can not allow Mexico to acquire ladder and rope technology!
two words – punji sticks!
ZAAAAP! I shouldn’t have made that left turn at Albuquerque!
They should have had one of them underground fences at the Alamo. Davy Crockett would still be alive today.
I’m disappointed…I’m pretty sure Rand’s original proposal was to move the fence 300 miles farther north…
Rand Paul is the kind do-it-yourselfer that re-wires the vacation cabin and then warns one and all not to touch the electric range and the refrigerator at the same time ’cause you get zapped. He blames it on using old appliances. Ground, neutral, hot what the hell does that matter? Black wires, white wires, green wires just too confusing. I haz to sit down and have a Pepsi.
I smell an AWESOME Caddy Shack sequel.
I think Dr. Rand has seen The Great Escape one too many times.
Hey now, it’s not just the underground fence; Paul also wants to stop the illegals with Helicopters (Quick, someone should see if Jan-Michael Vincent and Ernest Borgnine are available!). So there will be no tunneling, and no flying through the air; that leaves border crossers with no way left to get over.
Electrifying the ground makes earthworms more aggressive. It also makes them easier to catch (worms, not mexicans .. for tequilla). It’s a good plan.
The Goddess will not like this…
Someone asked her for her views on immigration, if she thought it was a good thing. And she got indignant immediately at the very idea that anyone might be opposed to immigration, that a country might not let immigrants in. One of the things she said in her answer was, “Where would I be today if America closed its doors to immigrants?” That really hit home; I’m sure everyone there realized that she would not have survived in Soviet Russia, that a person with her ideas would have died in prison, somewhere in Siberia.
http://facetsofaynrand.com/book/chap5.html
Could we just get that electrified perimeter wire that marks territories for pets? And then send a crapload of those zippy-zappy collars to Mexico?
Well, the obvious 2nd half to this plan is shock collars. That he has failed to mention this clearly marks him as a RINO.
[re=606563]facehead[/re]: In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sartre, “au revoir, gopher.”
The Mole People will not be amused.
[re=606564]Fnor[/re]: Actually, I think he’s (mis)read Azuela’s Los de Abajo a few too many times.
Let’s make the fence out of dirt (earthworks) – it’ll save on construction costs.
Maybe he meant underground as in hip and cool with the young urban scene, not physically underground…
Silly Rand Paul, electricity doesn’t work against ground-types. Doesn’t ANYBODY in Kentucky have a Pokedex?
Paultardation: genetic or environmental?
[re=606589]azw88[/re]: Wasn’t it Sartre who asked, “Can a fence be ironic?” Or maybe it was Laurie Anderson.
[re=606597]x111e7thst[/re]: Neither, of course. What did you THINK all that alien orifice probing was all about?
And the killed the cows when they figured out what was going on.
How do we prevent this underground fence from being grounded?
What he should propose is an invisible fence. It will save on building costs as well as fuck with The Mexican’s head.
[re=606562]weejee[/re]: Chuckles… Who needs Board Certified electricians or ophthalmologists or border guards anyway?
[re=606565]JMP[/re]: Vic Morrow, sadly, is not available.
[re=606611]Radiotherapy[/re]:
“Vic Morrow, sadly, is not available.”
There’s a joke involving Warren Zevon, a Thompson gun and poor taste in there, but I’m not going to make it.
Who will be in charge of putting the receiver collars on the entire Central and South American populations?
If only there were some kind of fence to keep Rand Paul out. Like a shut the fuck up fence.
I think we should dig giant lakes, fill them with oil, and light them on fire, and have a continuous line of blazing hellfire, hundreds of feet high, spanning the entire border, and rivers of molten lava, and roving packs of radioactive, genetically-modified super-rotweilers, 12 feet high, and when they bark, of course, swarms of africanized “killer” bees come out of their mouths. Rand is pampering them illegals with this electric shock proposal, he’s just a dirty messican lover, thats what he is.
Tom Mullins of New Mexico wants to put land mines on the border? WTF?
[re=606589]azw88[/re]:
Sort of an alternative-hipster fence, made of hemp and discarded milk crates. I could live with that.
[re=606620]Prommie[/re]: That is NOT what Aztlan is supposed to look like.
Clearly, he was referring to the impending CHUD invasion!
[re=606620]Prommie[/re]: That’s change I can believe in.
I’m cool with this idea as long as we post Fred Ward and Kevin Bacon down there to deal with any Graboids the electricity bring to the surface
This fence will be solar-powered, right? Or wind? Think of the PLANET, people!
Oh, wait.
All you really need is a few barrels of Mexican Repellent™.
It’s no joke – Kevin Costner’s company is building the prototype!
Sounds like an awful lot of work. Can’t we just starve them by shooting all the buffalo, or give them blankets with smallpox? We need innovative small-government solutions!
I don’t understand why Rand and his fellow travelers haven’t taken a cue from an expert on foreign affairs and pesky neighbors:
I’ll bury radioactive waste along the Lithuanian border and put up powerful fans and blow the stuff across the border at night. I’ll turn the fans off during the day. They’ll all get radiation sickness. They’ll die of it. When they either die out or get down on their knees, I’ll stop it.
Vladimir Zhirinovsky, 1991
It’s kind of amusing that something that has been plastered up in full view on Rand Paul’s website since at least August of 2009 is only now coming to attention of the Huffington Post. Have they already run out of the good stuff to attack Paul?
Just bury the danged fence!
I look forward to Rand Paul convincing private businesses and individuals to fund the construction and ongoing maintenance of this fence, without cheap Mexican labor, since it’s not the government’s business to be impeding the free market.
But what if los topos burrow under the underground fence, as is their wont? Didn’t think of that, did you Mr. Paul! It’s hard to outwit the mole people.
How will he get the Mexicans to wear those collars?
http://www.invisiblefence.com/
Give the contract for this thing to Boeing; it worked out so well before.
Actually, there is one very simple way to keep the Mexicans from illegally crossing the border: bring the US economy down to the point it’s equal to Mexico’s, so they won’t want to come over here. Luckily, George Bush already started to put this plan into action, and the Senate Republicans (with some help from Nelson and Lieberman) have been using the filibuster to make sure the Dems can’t stop it.
[re=606684]sezme[/re]: If you build it deep enough, when the beaners dig under it they’ll wind up in China, where they will do the jobs that the Chinese don’t want. This will leave the PLA more time to annihilate the Uighurs who will flee en masse to Bermuda. The ensuing collapse of the entire Caribbean tourism industry which will in turn devastate the shipbuilding industry in Scandinavia. Hungry and desperate, hordes of Swedes, Finns and Danes (but not Lapps who have plenty of steady work in building toys for Santa) will sweep southward in search of sanctuary. Fleeing from pogrom to pogrom in Eurasia, the now-darkened Nords will finally settle in the only place they are safe from their persecutors: the vast emptiness of Uighur-less Xinjiang. The tattered refugees, of course, will do whatever work is asked of them to put food on their starving families’ plates. The Mexicans, long ago organized into powerful and often violent trade unions will hound the newcomers once more, this time forcing them BACK through the original tunnel all the way to Mexico. The newly swarthy Nordic immigrants will blend easily into Mexican society, eventually settling in large numbers in swathes of Veracruz, Tabasco and Puebla. After the acclimation of later generations, these “indios nuevos” will be lured by the siren song of a political candidate who speaks directly to their needs: Michelle Bachmann.
Then it really gets weird.
Do the defense of our empire finally comes down to glorified bug zappers?
What we really need to do is just electrify the gophers …or the moles or whatever. And put up signs that are like “Peligroso! Moles Electricado!” or whateverthefuck in Mexican. Alternately, and then get the eagles with laser beam eyes to patrol the air.
[re=606669]user-of-owls[/re]: Wait, why would you shut the fans off during the day? Or maybe I shouldn’t be trying for logic here….
[re=606734]assistant/atlas[/re]: Duh. So they can’t see the radiation.
Are you sure that it’s not endorsed by the National Association of Migration and Border (Land) Agents?
Or NAMBLA.
[re=606620]Prommie[/re]: BP’s workin’ on it!
Geez, it isn’t like the Government hasn’t studied this already:
Secure Border Initiative: DHS Needs to Follow Through on Plans to Reassess and Better Manage Key Technology Program
GAO-10-840T, June 17, 2010
Secure Border Initiative: DHS Needs to Address Testing and Performance Limitations That Place Key Technology Program at Risk
GAO-10-158, January 29, 2010
Homeland Security: Despite Progress, DHS Continues to Be Challenged in Managing Its Multi-Billion Dollar Annual Investment in Large-Scale Information Technology Systems
GAO-09-1002T, September 15, 2009
Secure Border Initiative Fence Construction Costs
GAO-09-244R, January 29, 2009
Secure Border Initiative: Observations on Deployment Challenges
GAO-08-1141T, September 10, 2008
Homeland Security: DHS Has Taken Actions to Strengthen Border Security Programs and Operations, but Challenges Remain
GAO-08-542T, March 6, 2008
Secure Border Initiative: Observations on the Importance of Applying Lessons Learned to Future Projects
GAO-08-508T, February 27, 2008
Secure Border Initiative: Observations on Selected Aspects of SBInet Program Implementation
GAO-08-131T, October 24, 2007
- http://www.gao.gov/
Apprently the only thing Homeland Security hasn’t tried yet is getting Christo to build one.
That’s all well and good until the Mexicans bring their Poliwraths or other watertypes and just hyrdopunch their way through.
[re=606670]RPPTT[/re]: That’s not likely to happen anytime soon. Between Mr. Paul and his Krugers (c) the gifts just keep coming!
[re=606620]Prommie[/re]: You forgot to include flying sharks with lasers.
Flying sharks with boobs & lasers.
[re=606727]user-of-owls[/re]: Mr. Camaron would like to know who has leaked you the plot of “Avatar 2: Navi Vacation.”
I can’t believe Rand’s team discarded their original, cheaper vision of fake maps in Spanish showing the U.S. to the south of Mexico….
[re=606560]gurukalehuru[/re]: There used to be a show on the TV about Davy Crockett, back when America was strong. Let’s say we all put on a coonskin cap and get this country back on track, damn it!
“Hat check to NYNYNY for giving us this tip last night.”
FIXED
wonkette.com is a nice blog i look everyday!
Free-SMS
If they want to prevent illegals from sneaking in, they should simply frustrate them: Put big semi-circular tunnels with big signs saying “Do Not Enter” at the entrance and “Welcome to America” at the exit.
Also, put signs every 20 miles or so on all roads leading north saying, “America, 20 miles.” By the time the mules figure it out, they’ll be in South Dakota and find that no one there does drugs and they’ll hitchhike home.
It could work. If we believe.
What a joke. Tax dollars well spent.
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Cheers for legalizing mj – then the drug-runners become CEOs on street corners…and we’ll all be better able to cope with the impending disaster.
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