Michele Bachmann Is America’s Next Meryl Streep

  give her 23 Oscars

HYPNO-BACHMANNSomeone has finally recognized the “Hollywood” in Congresswingnut Michele Bachmann and stuck her in a real movie! Bachmann makes her big acting debut in a brand-new Cold War propaganda film called Socialism: A Clear and Present Danger, created by the evangelists at Coral Ridge Ministries and directed by a camera guy who’s heard of James Cameron. Make way for a real star, Eclipse people!

In the movie, Bachmann plays a paranoid lunatic-lady from St. Paul, Minnesota who is trying to escape from “socialist tentacles” set loose by a band of Soviet revolutionaries played by the actors Barry Obamarov and his two dads, Vlady Lenin and JoJo Stalin. The revolutionaries and tentacles try to destroy Christianity with lies such as “the Bible’s prescription for the underprivileged is socialism.” When Bachmann’s character points out to America that there is just no evidence of that whatsoever, freedom returns.

Bonus features include dramatic music! Riot pictures! Talk of the Domino Effect’s resurgence in South America (“browns fall down, again”)! And Hugo Chavez, he’s in it, too.

Bachmann is part of a cast that includes Bible people, WorldNetDaily.com founder Joseph Farah’s mustache, and a Chinese guy, among others. Yet she’s never out-shined by these whores, so don’t worry. A few of Bachmann’s lines, as related by the cinema blog The Minnesota Independent:

“What Jesus said, ‘Render to Caesar that which is Caesar’s, and render unto God that which is God’s,’ so there certainly is a place for us to pay taxes to government. That’s legitimate. We should do that as Jesus instructs,” she said.

She continued, “But we render to God that which is God’s and the Bible calls for, approximately we are thinking of tithe, maybe 10 percent that we are giving to God, but beyond that we also give to charity. Jesus didn’t ask government to be the charity; he asks the the individual and the church to be charitable.”

For all you Cahiers du Cinema-subscribing movie buffs, Coral Ridge Ministries is a Ft. Lauderdale, Florida-based film production company whose earlier works include Aboard the Gay Express, starring Charles Krauthammer, and Uncharted and Troubled Waters — a sci-fi action thriller comedy-drama in which Obamarov, a recurring villain-character, steals all the money from the BP Nation and gives it to homo pelicans. [Minnesota Independent]

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About the author

Lauri works at the Chicago Reader, and also writes and makes art-pictures for Wonkette. Her creative projects—including a now-defunct blog about finding clothing in the trash and wearing it, and an exhibition of portraits of all 50 Chicago aldermen made by 50 different artists—have been featured by NBC's Today Show, the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, BUST Magazine, and other media outlets. She's written things for the Austin Chronicle, Texas Observer, In Pittsburgh Weekly, The Black Table, and other places, and taken photos for various nonprofits, bands, and publications. (She also has a law degree, for some reason.)

View all articles by Lauri Apple

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78 comments

  1. JMP

    The movie’s gonna be so big, imdb doesn’t even have it listed yet, or at least not linked to crazy-eyes Bachmann; who has several appearances as “herself” on Beck, Hannity, O’Reilly and not one non-Fox program.

  2. slappypaddy

    Jesus also said, “Get thee behind me, Satan.” What’s Bachmann’s position on that?

  3. Dashboard_Buddha

    Meta comment: I love Wonkette…I really do, but if I didn’t read it, I would be blissfully unaware of 90% of the crazy/stupid out there. Yet, I can’t stop. This place is like the potato chips of the end times.

  4. Serolf Divad

    But will it be in 3-D? I don’t want to watch it unless the rest of Bachmann’s body pop out at me the same way her eyes do in 2-D.

  5. memzilla

    [re=606390]slappypaddy[/re]: “Jesus also said, “Get thee behind me, Satan.” What’s Bachmann’s position on that?”

    Zoologically speaking, I believe her position would be that of “presenter.”

  6. Gun-toting Progressive

    Disappointed Bachman… “Wait, Barry has his TENTACLES all over me? I thought it said…”

  7. doxastic

    I know that whenever I want to have a serious conversation about tax rates and public policy, I check the Bible first. Jesus is my accountant.

  8. Norbert

    [re=606384]Prommie[/re]: I hear ya. I learned from the Toto episode of Yacht Rock that the root chakra is the taint.

  9. SayItWithWookies

    [Coral Ridge Ministries]also raised the ire of Jewish groups for saying Hitler committed the atrocities of the Holocaust because be believed in evolution.

    Well of course — if there’s one thing the liberal media have kept us in the dark about (“robbed our history from us,” as Glenn Beck put it) is that Hitler just went on and on and on about Darwin — couldn’t get the dude off the subject, in fact. That and how nobody could make a vacuum cleaner that doesn’t lose suction. Holy crap, that Dyson guy is a Nazi!

  10. Estus Washington Pirkle

    There’s no way this could beat “If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do?” The Estus Washington Pirkle joint that has socialist Russians attacking middle America on horse back to rape our women, subject our children and generally fuck shit up. Check it out for 52 minutes of 1970s paranoid Christian greatness. Heads definitely roll and there’s a lingering shot of a dead girl with her panties showing. Dancing among the local teens and not attending church services are cast as prime causes of all the violent socialist overthrow. http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4525163494747636591#

  11. HedonismBot

    [re=606393]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: It’s true. OH MY GOD IT’S TRUE!!!1!! I blame my job for keeping me tied to a computer 8-10 hours a day, yet paradoxically not keeping me busy enough.

  12. Manos: Hands of Fate

    You know if you are trying to whip up a red scare, you usually have to point to some actual red menance. Sorry, but Chavez ain’t cutting it.

  13. proudgrampa

    [re=606393]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: I agree that these have gotta be the end times. Jebus, how can mankind get any dumberer?

  14. JMP

    [re=606406]SayItWithWookies[/re]: That, and a lot of the righties like to go on about how Hitler was an atheist and that’s why he committed the holocaust. It kind of ignores the fact that he was a practicing Catholic, but hey, history is always mutable to support ideology to these guy.

    Oh, and he was a liberal too, because the Nazi part had socialism in its name.

  15. weejee

    Meryl Streep, wtf? Mortal Strep perhaps. Moral Sheep, no. [re=606400]Joshua Norton[/re]: haz nailed it, Demon Sheep! Michele has transmorgafied into Demon Sheep, she’ll get an Oscar Mayer for sure. ♫♫ Walking in a skeeter wennie wonderland ♫♫

  16. inedalo

    [re=606412]Estus Washington Pirkle[/re]: can you tell us exactly where the “good parts” are in this film? e.g. voyeur panties, etc.
    or do we need to watch the entire 52-min. of idiocy just to see the hot spots?

  17. Ducksworthy

    [re=606407]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: [re=606393]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]:

    As Dash said, “I love Wonkette…I really do, but if I didn’t read it, I would be blissfully unaware of 90% of the crazy/stupid out there.” I could have been happy not knowing what these nuts think.

  18. inedalo

    by the way, there is nothing special about bachmann’s eyes. they are just the usual blank staring orbs of an idiot.
    -from Eyewatcher.

  19. Abou Diaby

    When did south florida become such a hotspot for whacked out Evangelicals? We’ve got rentboy hiring dude in north Miami Beach and Coral Ridge ministries in Fort lauderdale. This shit is getting scary.

  20. MarieDeGournay

    So basically even charity, the greatest of all Christian virtues whereby no other good can exist without it, must bow to market considerations. Fuck her.

  21. Johnny Zhivago

    [re=606383]HedonismBot[/re]: Lizard Aliens just can’t do normal human female eyes – they ALWAYS end up as “crazy eyes” – Bachmann, Palin, that Dugger’s lady with the 30 kids and counting, etc…

  22. Johnny Zhivago

    [re=606435]MarieDeGournay[/re]: I heard my old grammar school is now run by the Sisters of Credit Default Swaps of Halifax.

  23. comicbookguy

    [re=606407]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: “Our Constitution was made only for a Moral and Religious People” So yeah, all you atheists, say goodbye to Miranda. Habeus corpus? That’s for Christians only.

  24. SayItWithWookies

    [re=606417]JMP[/re]: Well, he couldn’t possibly have been a Christian, since no Christian would do all those horrible things (by which they mean gun control and healthcare) — so clearly he was some kind of atheist. Of course the evangelical Christian definition of atheist is very different from the usual definition, since it seems that every Christian celebrity/preacher will tell you they were an atheist before they were saved. I think it means they believed in god but didn’t go to church that much or share the joy of their love for Jesus with everybody all the freaking time. Either that or atheism is actually rampant in this country.

  25. Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=606414]HedonismBot[/re]: Now that you mention it, I have to blame my job as well. I’ve got lots to do, but I often find myself waiting for a process to cycle through a job I’m working on so I’m left with time on my hands. Hmmmm…I wonder what’s up over at Wonkette?

  26. JMP

    [re=606435]MarieDeGournay[/re]: I’m still trying to puzzle what her comment’s supposed to mean. Because Jesus asked people charitable, that means only individuals should be charitable? Huh? And I guess rendering unto Caesar does not include taxes that go to be charitable, since Caesar didn’t use government money to help the poor, like say giving them a regular supply free grain, that they could use to make bread, or putting on entertainment such as gladiators and circuses.

  27. user-of-owls

    [re=606393]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]:

    “This place is like the potato chips of the end times.”

    BRAVO! Very nicely done!

  28. nappyduggs

    [re=606390]slappypaddy[/re]: [re=606404]Norbert[/re]:

    So all that “Left Behind” business was really a bunch of instructional videos about hitting the geish from a certain angle? Now I want to watch them….

  29. BadKitty

    [re=606407]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: OMG, you found the font of stupidity. I am in awe of the massive stupidity of that site. How can I ever thank you for sharing?

  30. FormerDCite

    Every time Michelle speaks it makes me wonder about Minnesota. I used to think it was a progressive state with lots of clear thinking people. Now I know Jesse Ventura wasn’t a fluke. It’s time to change the name of Minnesota to Minntucky.

  31. JMP

    [re=606449]SayItWithWookies[/re]: It’s very simple; bad people are either heathens or atheists; good people are Christians. Maybe Jewish, but only sometimes, and no other religions. Therefore, anyone Christian did horrible things like Hitler was actually a secret atheist; while heroes like the founding fathers who were deists or agnostic were really Christians, they just were, despite actually saying or writing to the contrary.

    Or how Einstein was a practicing Jew, not an agnostic cultural Jew who stated many times that he did not believe in a personal god. Or well, I can go on an on; but you get the point.

  32. user-of-owls

    [re=606403]doxastic[/re]:

    Jesus is my accountant.

    Well that explains the Book of Numbers.

  33. BadKitty

    Er, make that the “fount” of all stupidity. The font of all stupidity is Comic Sans, obvs.

  34. Manos: Hands of Fate

    You know I bet the parishoners of Coral Ridge Ministries would rather had had them spend money helping all those in Florida who got run over by the march of capitalism than making movies about Bolsheviki terror.

  35. Way Cool Larry

    she’s like Cyclops, she should wear sunglasses, and then at opportune times, take them off to unleash the power of her eyes!

    But actually, she’s kind of purty except for those crazy eyes.

  36. steverino247

    [re=606449]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Hey, I’ve been a rampant atheist. It’s hard work for no pay. Death threats from all over, denunciations on talk radio all day, completely whacked letters to the editor on a daily basis. Lots of yuks.

  37. comicbookguy

    [re=606453]JMP[/re]: “Render unto Ceasar” meant all the money should go to Ceasar, and not public works projects like roads, or feeding the poor, or health care (Jesus has that covered, yo!) Therefore, the only Christian thing to do is to give Obama all the tax money in a giant check, and put his face on the 100 Amero coin.

    In the original conservative bible, Jesus goes on to say, “And Ceasar better not spend any of that money helping the poor” but that got edited out by today’s liberal revisionist historians.

  38. Estus Washington Pirkle

    [re=606430]inedalo[/re]: Sorry: arab ghosts on horses – 3:30, dead girl panties – 5:45, stealing kids – 17:00, hammering long nail into kid’s ear until he vomits – 23:25, raping our women – 26:30, straight-up beheading a kid in front of church because he likes his Jesus – 45:30. The kids in this one really get the short end of the stick.

  39. Carson

    That is the worst brow lift/Botox program I’ve ever seen. She always looks like someone with freezing cold fingers is pinching her ass.

  40. MarSF

    [re=606469]FormerDCite[/re]: At least they have two sane US Senators. I try to calm myself by imagining that all the crazies there are confined to Bachman’s district and a few other outlying areas.

  41. lizzieborden

    [re=606509]Carson[/re]: I wouldn’t say “pinching”. More like “inserting a digit into” instead.

  42. JSDC007

    But what would Jesus think about farm subsidies?

    Bet Michelle doesn’t want to know that.

  43. Ducksworthy

    [re=606469]FormerDCite[/re]: Here’s my theory, for what its worth. Minnesota was settled by scandahovians and socialist (pre nazi) Germans who all kind of looked alike. So they could all have altruistic feelings toward one another and supported government programs that actually helped people. Then the white Minnesotans started to notice that some benefits were also going to darker skinned types, although of course the majority of Medicaid beneficiaries for instance, are old white ladies. So now Mn is like many places in the world (e.g Bosnia) with a cosmopolitan, tolerant and liberal urban population surrounded by rings of increasingly resentful white people until you get out the Michele’s racist district.

    Then again, the far north is still the former home of the headquarters of the American Communist Party. I blame that on the Finns. And iron miners in general. The Finns can’t bring themselves to be racists because they were the nigra’s of Scandahovia.

  44. T.W.G.C.C.

    [re=606469]FormerDCite[/re]: As a former Minnesotan and somebody who actually grew up in Stillwater(home base of Mrs. Batshit crazy) who has since moved to California somewhere not too far from Ken’s desert compound. I can tell you that the state isn’t as crazy as it looks. Ventura won against some idiot republican(Norm Coleman) and some uninspiring democrat in a 3 way race. Norm would have lost bad to Mr. Wellstone PBUH if not for that unfortunate accident. Dipshit Timmy! also won 2 terms against uninspiring dems and some idiot reform 3rd party vote splitters. So yeah, I guess Ventura created that beast and it will probably always be there. We did elect Amy Klobuchar, Al Franken, Keith Ellison, Betty McCollum and a load of annoying blue dogs from the areas outside of the Twin Cities. Bachmann and Paulsontard come from the outer suburb areas surrounding the cities where all the rubes and rich people move to their McMansions/trailer parks to escape the scary city folks. Of course Mrs. Bachmann has been known to hide in the bushes in St Paul to spy on the gays. Hope that helps, now I need to figure out how these California weirdos operate. Hmm, Bilbray, Issa, Bono Mack, Rohrabacher and now eMeg and Failorina, fun fun.

  45. GOPCrusher

    I have said it for years, and it bears repeating. The Coral Ridge Ministries needs to have its tax exempt status pulled and the IRS needs to go back to its founding and collect back taxes. They make no attempt to disguise their real purpose of existence, which is to affect the political process in the United States and to press for a theocracy. James Kennedy’s sermons are nothing more than political speeches for the Religious Right.
    These people are far more dangerous to the American Way of Life than any Islamic terrorists.

  46. Simba B

    …this is the most confusing Wonkette post ever. Should I click on some of the links?

  47. Deepthroat

    Oh Em Gee- I officially love you, Lauri Apple. Want to see a colored pencil flipbook reenactment.

  48. Zorg

    Interesting. The Soviet Union decided to vote itself out of existence twenty years ago, and these people are trying to make money by fighting Communism. So, the default position, when fresh out of Commies, is to discover that somewhat boring centrists politicians are, in secret fact, Commies. Well, at least the Protocols of the Elders of Zion and the Yellow Peril have finally died out as boogymen for hucksters shaking down the Boobocracy. How many decades does the Commie Peril have to run? Any odds-makers out there in Wonketteland?

  49. OCKerouac

    [re=606393]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: Id’ say it’s more like the internet’s Ft. Knox…

  50. Pandy

    [re=606529]Ducksworthy[/re]: Exactly. If the taxes and welfare helps “my own kind” then it’s okay. But if it helps someone else, it is suddenly wrong. It makes me wonder how these so-called Christians interpret the Good Samaritan story. If I’m not mistaken, the point was that you SHOULD help even those who are different than you are because we are all neighbors.

  51. legalize everything

    The name “Coral Ridge Ministries” makes it sound like this place is due for your standard FBI massacre/fail.

  52. lukewarm

    I too believe that the constitution should be replaced by the bible and that we should be led by the Protestant Pope (Limbaugh??), but what will this mean for women like fearless ouroboros Michelle Bachmann?

  53. BlueStateLiberal

    [re=606417]JMP[/re]: Hitler a practicing Catholic?–don’t think so. If anything, I think he was more into the pagan stuff.

  54. arewethereyet

    [re=606434]Abou Diaby[/re]: i think i am going to reevaluate my retirement plans. florida, arizona, colorado south and northcarolina, pretty much the whole southeast, texas, oklahoma, california, minnisota, virginia, west virginia, tennessee, kentucky, ohio. iowa, the dakotas, wyoming, idaho, nevada are all out….too many crazies. maybe i should just hideout here in pennsyltucky and hope and pray samtorum doesn’t rise again. it’s beer thirty folks, lots to think about. say good nite, gracie.

  55. libwakman

    I’d pay good Ameros to see GooGooCrazyEyes in a porno featuring her mouth so full of big cockmonster that she would be forced to Shut The Fuck Up.

  56. Malketeer

    [re=606390]slappypaddy[/re]: I believe the word you are looking for is “lordosis.”

    Also: my theory on Bachmann’s eyes is that she’s Fremen. Don’t be surprised when she begins espousing the virtues of drinking your own urine.

  57. afraidofheights

    Ms. Bachmann has a history of amusing misstatements which would be funny if they were (a) actual misstatements not her honest opinion or (b) the mutterings of my old aunt or (c) at least not from an elected official.

    How the heck does this nut get re-elected?

    Anyhow, here is a story about Bachmann that is fact-based but also funny:

    dailygoat.com/2010/07/michele-bachmann-breaks-up-with-global-economy-global-economy-secretly-relieved/

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