GIVE HER 23 OSCARS  10:31 am June 25, 2010

Michele Bachmann Is America’s Next Meryl Streep

by Lauri Apple

HYPNO-BACHMANNSomeone has finally recognized the “Hollywood” in Congresswingnut Michele Bachmann and stuck her in a real movie! Bachmann makes her big acting debut in a brand-new Cold War propaganda film called Socialism: A Clear and Present Danger, created by the evangelists at Coral Ridge Ministries and directed by a camera guy who’s heard of James Cameron. Make way for a real star, Eclipse people!

In the movie, Bachmann plays a paranoid lunatic-lady from St. Paul, Minnesota who is trying to escape from “socialist tentacles” set loose by a band of Soviet revolutionaries played by the actors Barry Obamarov and his two dads, Vlady Lenin and JoJo Stalin. The revolutionaries and tentacles try to destroy Christianity with lies such as “the Bible’s prescription for the underprivileged is socialism.” When Bachmann’s character points out to America that there is just no evidence of that whatsoever, freedom returns.

Bonus features include dramatic music! Riot pictures! Talk of the Domino Effect’s resurgence in South America (“browns fall down, again”)! And Hugo Chavez, he’s in it, too.

Bachmann is part of a cast that includes Bible people, founder Joseph Farah’s mustache, and a Chinese guy, among others. Yet she’s never out-shined by these whores, so don’t worry. A few of Bachmann’s lines, as related by the cinema blog The Minnesota Independent:

“What Jesus said, ‘Render to Caesar that which is Caesar’s, and render unto God that which is God’s,’ so there certainly is a place for us to pay taxes to government. That’s legitimate. We should do that as Jesus instructs,” she said.

She continued, “But we render to God that which is God’s and the Bible calls for, approximately we are thinking of tithe, maybe 10 percent that we are giving to God, but beyond that we also give to charity. Jesus didn’t ask government to be the charity; he asks the the individual and the church to be charitable.”

For all you Cahiers du Cinema-subscribing movie buffs, Coral Ridge Ministries is a Ft. Lauderdale, Florida-based film production company whose earlier works include Aboard the Gay Express, starring Charles Krauthammer, and Uncharted and Troubled Waters — a sci-fi action thriller comedy-drama in which Obamarov, a recurring villain-character, steals all the money from the BP Nation and gives it to homo pelicans. [Minnesota Independent]

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HedonismBot June 25, 2010 at 10:35 am

Those eyes… Don’t look in her eyes…

Prommie June 25, 2010 at 10:36 am

I’d let her release my second chakhra. I’d be on her like a crazed sex-poodle.

Joshua Norton June 25, 2010 at 10:39 am

Bet this one will give “American Carol” a run for its money.

HedonismBot June 25, 2010 at 10:40 am

[re=606384]Prommie[/re]: So pretty. But so vacant. Is SHE Yo Yo Ma too?

JMP June 25, 2010 at 10:41 am

The movie’s gonna be so big, imdb doesn’t even have it listed yet, or at least not linked to crazy-eyes Bachmann; who has several appearances as “herself” on Beck, Hannity, O’Reilly and not one non-Fox program.

slappypaddy June 25, 2010 at 10:41 am

Jesus also said, “Get thee behind me, Satan.” What’s Bachmann’s position on that?

facehead June 25, 2010 at 10:43 am

Socialist tentacle porn is so 1980s.

Dashboard_Buddha June 25, 2010 at 10:43 am

Meta comment: I love Wonkette…I really do, but if I didn’t read it, I would be blissfully unaware of 90% of the crazy/stupid out there. Yet, I can’t stop. This place is like the potato chips of the end times.

Serolf Divad June 25, 2010 at 10:44 am

But will it be in 3-D? I don’t want to watch it unless the rest of Bachmann’s body pop out at me the same way her eyes do in 2-D.

x111e7thst June 25, 2010 at 10:44 am

[re=606390]slappypaddy[/re]: Reverse cowgirl.

Joshua Norton June 25, 2010 at 10:45 am

Demon sheep!!
Demon sheep!!

memzilla June 25, 2010 at 10:45 am

[re=606390]slappypaddy[/re]: “Jesus also said, “Get thee behind me, Satan.” What’s Bachmann’s position on that?”

Zoologically speaking, I believe her position would be that of “presenter.”

Gun-toting Progressive June 25, 2010 at 10:45 am

Disappointed Bachman… “Wait, Barry has his TENTACLES all over me? I thought it said…”

doxastic June 25, 2010 at 10:47 am

I know that whenever I want to have a serious conversation about tax rates and public policy, I check the Bible first. Jesus is my accountant.

Norbert June 25, 2010 at 10:48 am

[re=606384]Prommie[/re]: I hear ya. I learned from the Toto episode of Yacht Rock that the root chakra is the taint.

SayItWithWookies June 25, 2010 at 10:48 am

[Coral Ridge Ministries]also raised the ire of Jewish groups for saying Hitler committed the atrocities of the Holocaust because be believed in evolution.

Well of course — if there’s one thing the liberal media have kept us in the dark about (“robbed our history from us,” as Glenn Beck put it) is that Hitler just went on and on and on about Darwin — couldn’t get the dude off the subject, in fact. That and how nobody could make a vacuum cleaner that doesn’t lose suction. Holy crap, that Dyson guy is a Nazi!

Monsieur Grumpe June 25, 2010 at 10:49 am

I just had to go to the Coral Ridge Ministries web site and now I must share a little bit of this enormous reservoir of stupidity.

doxastic June 25, 2010 at 10:49 am

[re=606390]slappypaddy[/re]: Addressee?

Bordo June 25, 2010 at 10:49 am

I understand Bristol Palin is giving Michele Bachmann acting lessons.

the wiz June 25, 2010 at 10:50 am

Imagine waking up to those eyes every morning…..and no you can’t unpicture it now.

Estus Washington Pirkle June 25, 2010 at 10:52 am

There’s no way this could beat “If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do?” The Estus Washington Pirkle joint that has socialist Russians attacking middle America on horse back to rape our women, subject our children and generally fuck shit up. Check it out for 52 minutes of 1970s paranoid Christian greatness. Heads definitely roll and there’s a lingering shot of a dead girl with her panties showing. Dancing among the local teens and not attending church services are cast as prime causes of all the violent socialist overthrow.

HedonismBot June 25, 2010 at 10:56 am

[re=606393]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: It’s true. OH MY GOD IT’S TRUE!!!1!! I blame my job for keeping me tied to a computer 8-10 hours a day, yet paradoxically not keeping me busy enough.

Manos: Hands of Fate June 25, 2010 at 10:57 am

You know if you are trying to whip up a red scare, you usually have to point to some actual red menance. Sorry, but Chavez ain’t cutting it.

proudgrampa June 25, 2010 at 11:00 am

[re=606393]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: I agree that these have gotta be the end times. Jebus, how can mankind get any dumberer?

JMP June 25, 2010 at 11:01 am

[re=606406]SayItWithWookies[/re]: That, and a lot of the righties like to go on about how Hitler was an atheist and that’s why he committed the holocaust. It kind of ignores the fact that he was a practicing Catholic, but hey, history is always mutable to support ideology to these guy.

Oh, and he was a liberal too, because the Nazi part had socialism in its name.

weejee June 25, 2010 at 11:02 am

Meryl Streep, wtf? Mortal Strep perhaps. Moral Sheep, no. [re=606400]Joshua Norton[/re]: haz nailed it, Demon Sheep! Michele has transmorgafied into Demon Sheep, she’ll get an Oscar Mayer for sure. ♫♫ Walking in a skeeter wennie wonderland ♫♫

Monsieur Grumpe June 25, 2010 at 11:07 am

[re=606411]the wiz[/re]:
Forgive me for posting this again but here’s a picture of the guy who does wake up to those eyes every morning and as you can plainly see, he’s not right in the head.

TGY June 25, 2010 at 11:07 am

Such a fine line between ‘documentary’ and ‘mockumentary’.

inedalo June 25, 2010 at 11:15 am

[re=606412]Estus Washington Pirkle[/re]: can you tell us exactly where the “good parts” are in this film? e.g. voyeur panties, etc.
or do we need to watch the entire 52-min. of idiocy just to see the hot spots?

Ducksworthy June 25, 2010 at 11:15 am

[re=606407]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: [re=606393]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]:

As Dash said, “I love Wonkette…I really do, but if I didn’t read it, I would be blissfully unaware of 90% of the crazy/stupid out there.” I could have been happy not knowing what these nuts think.

inedalo June 25, 2010 at 11:16 am

by the way, there is nothing special about bachmann’s eyes. they are just the usual blank staring orbs of an idiot.
-from Eyewatcher.

Abou Diaby June 25, 2010 at 11:18 am

When did south florida become such a hotspot for whacked out Evangelicals? We’ve got rentboy hiring dude in north Miami Beach and Coral Ridge ministries in Fort lauderdale. This shit is getting scary.

MarieDeGournay June 25, 2010 at 11:18 am

So basically even charity, the greatest of all Christian virtues whereby no other good can exist without it, must bow to market considerations. Fuck her.

Johnny Zhivago June 25, 2010 at 11:19 am

[re=606383]HedonismBot[/re]: Lizard Aliens just can’t do normal human female eyes – they ALWAYS end up as “crazy eyes” – Bachmann, Palin, that Dugger’s lady with the 30 kids and counting, etc…

Johnny Zhivago June 25, 2010 at 11:20 am

[re=606435]MarieDeGournay[/re]: I heard my old grammar school is now run by the Sisters of Credit Default Swaps of Halifax.

pdiddycornchips June 25, 2010 at 11:21 am

WWJD? Slap the sense back into her.

comicbookguy June 25, 2010 at 11:26 am

[re=606407]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: “Our Constitution was made only for a Moral and Religious People” So yeah, all you atheists, say goodbye to Miranda. Habeus corpus? That’s for Christians only.

comicbookguy June 25, 2010 at 11:27 am

From the screen shot it looks like a movie version of Everybody Loves Hypnotoad

SayItWithWookies June 25, 2010 at 11:28 am

[re=606417]JMP[/re]: Well, he couldn’t possibly have been a Christian, since no Christian would do all those horrible things (by which they mean gun control and healthcare) — so clearly he was some kind of atheist. Of course the evangelical Christian definition of atheist is very different from the usual definition, since it seems that every Christian celebrity/preacher will tell you they were an atheist before they were saved. I think it means they believed in god but didn’t go to church that much or share the joy of their love for Jesus with everybody all the freaking time. Either that or atheism is actually rampant in this country.

Dashboard_Buddha June 25, 2010 at 11:31 am

[re=606414]HedonismBot[/re]: Now that you mention it, I have to blame my job as well. I’ve got lots to do, but I often find myself waiting for a process to cycle through a job I’m working on so I’m left with time on my hands. Hmmmm…I wonder what’s up over at Wonkette?

JMP June 25, 2010 at 11:33 am

[re=606435]MarieDeGournay[/re]: I’m still trying to puzzle what her comment’s supposed to mean. Because Jesus asked people charitable, that means only individuals should be charitable? Huh? And I guess rendering unto Caesar does not include taxes that go to be charitable, since Caesar didn’t use government money to help the poor, like say giving them a regular supply free grain, that they could use to make bread, or putting on entertainment such as gladiators and circuses.

user-of-owls June 25, 2010 at 11:34 am


“This place is like the potato chips of the end times.”

BRAVO! Very nicely done!

nappyduggs June 25, 2010 at 11:36 am

[re=606390]slappypaddy[/re]: [re=606404]Norbert[/re]:

So all that “Left Behind” business was really a bunch of instructional videos about hitting the geish from a certain angle? Now I want to watch them….

BadKitty June 25, 2010 at 11:40 am

[re=606407]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: OMG, you found the font of stupidity. I am in awe of the massive stupidity of that site. How can I ever thank you for sharing?

FormerDCite June 25, 2010 at 11:44 am

Every time Michelle speaks it makes me wonder about Minnesota. I used to think it was a progressive state with lots of clear thinking people. Now I know Jesse Ventura wasn’t a fluke. It’s time to change the name of Minnesota to Minntucky.

JMP June 25, 2010 at 11:45 am

[re=606449]SayItWithWookies[/re]: It’s very simple; bad people are either heathens or atheists; good people are Christians. Maybe Jewish, but only sometimes, and no other religions. Therefore, anyone Christian did horrible things like Hitler was actually a secret atheist; while heroes like the founding fathers who were deists or agnostic were really Christians, they just were, despite actually saying or writing to the contrary.

Or how Einstein was a practicing Jew, not an agnostic cultural Jew who stated many times that he did not believe in a personal god. Or well, I can go on an on; but you get the point.

user-of-owls June 25, 2010 at 11:45 am


Jesus is my accountant.

Well that explains the Book of Numbers.

BadKitty June 25, 2010 at 11:47 am

Er, make that the “fount” of all stupidity. The font of all stupidity is Comic Sans, obvs.

Manos: Hands of Fate June 25, 2010 at 11:52 am

You know I bet the parishoners of Coral Ridge Ministries would rather had had them spend money helping all those in Florida who got run over by the march of capitalism than making movies about Bolsheviki terror.

steverino247 June 25, 2010 at 11:57 am

[re=606422]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Mrs. Bachmann’s O-face revealed!!!

Way Cool Larry June 25, 2010 at 12:02 pm

she’s like Cyclops, she should wear sunglasses, and then at opportune times, take them off to unleash the power of her eyes!

But actually, she’s kind of purty except for those crazy eyes.

steverino247 June 25, 2010 at 12:02 pm

[re=606449]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Hey, I’ve been a rampant atheist. It’s hard work for no pay. Death threats from all over, denunciations on talk radio all day, completely whacked letters to the editor on a daily basis. Lots of yuks.

comicbookguy June 25, 2010 at 12:03 pm

[re=606453]JMP[/re]: “Render unto Ceasar” meant all the money should go to Ceasar, and not public works projects like roads, or feeding the poor, or health care (Jesus has that covered, yo!) Therefore, the only Christian thing to do is to give Obama all the tax money in a giant check, and put his face on the 100 Amero coin.

In the original conservative bible, Jesus goes on to say, “And Ceasar better not spend any of that money helping the poor” but that got edited out by today’s liberal revisionist historians.

Estus Washington Pirkle June 25, 2010 at 12:15 pm

[re=606430]inedalo[/re]: Sorry: arab ghosts on horses – 3:30, dead girl panties – 5:45, stealing kids – 17:00, hammering long nail into kid’s ear until he vomits – 23:25, raping our women – 26:30, straight-up beheading a kid in front of church because he likes his Jesus – 45:30. The kids in this one really get the short end of the stick.

lizzieborden June 25, 2010 at 12:16 pm

[re=606475]BadKitty[/re]: Hahahahahaha!!!! I love a good typing joke!

Carson June 25, 2010 at 12:16 pm

That is the worst brow lift/Botox program I’ve ever seen. She always looks like someone with freezing cold fingers is pinching her ass.

MarSF June 25, 2010 at 12:17 pm

[re=606469]FormerDCite[/re]: At least they have two sane US Senators. I try to calm myself by imagining that all the crazies there are confined to Bachman’s district and a few other outlying areas.

lizzieborden June 25, 2010 at 12:19 pm

[re=606509]Carson[/re]: I wouldn’t say “pinching”. More like “inserting a digit into” instead.

JSDC007 June 25, 2010 at 12:23 pm

But what would Jesus think about farm subsidies?

Bet Michelle doesn’t want to know that.

Neilist June 25, 2010 at 12:27 pm

When is Diana going to eat the guinea pig?

Ducksworthy June 25, 2010 at 12:27 pm

[re=606469]FormerDCite[/re]: Here’s my theory, for what its worth. Minnesota was settled by scandahovians and socialist (pre nazi) Germans who all kind of looked alike. So they could all have altruistic feelings toward one another and supported government programs that actually helped people. Then the white Minnesotans started to notice that some benefits were also going to darker skinned types, although of course the majority of Medicaid beneficiaries for instance, are old white ladies. So now Mn is like many places in the world (e.g Bosnia) with a cosmopolitan, tolerant and liberal urban population surrounded by rings of increasingly resentful white people until you get out the Michele’s racist district.

Then again, the far north is still the former home of the headquarters of the American Communist Party. I blame that on the Finns. And iron miners in general. The Finns can’t bring themselves to be racists because they were the nigra’s of Scandahovia.

sezme June 25, 2010 at 12:45 pm

Bachmann, reportedly, will be playing a teen mom and a musician.

T.W.G.C.C. June 25, 2010 at 12:46 pm

[re=606469]FormerDCite[/re]: As a former Minnesotan and somebody who actually grew up in Stillwater(home base of Mrs. Batshit crazy) who has since moved to California somewhere not too far from Ken’s desert compound. I can tell you that the state isn’t as crazy as it looks. Ventura won against some idiot republican(Norm Coleman) and some uninspiring democrat in a 3 way race. Norm would have lost bad to Mr. Wellstone PBUH if not for that unfortunate accident. Dipshit Timmy! also won 2 terms against uninspiring dems and some idiot reform 3rd party vote splitters. So yeah, I guess Ventura created that beast and it will probably always be there. We did elect Amy Klobuchar, Al Franken, Keith Ellison, Betty McCollum and a load of annoying blue dogs from the areas outside of the Twin Cities. Bachmann and Paulsontard come from the outer suburb areas surrounding the cities where all the rubes and rich people move to their McMansions/trailer parks to escape the scary city folks. Of course Mrs. Bachmann has been known to hide in the bushes in St Paul to spy on the gays. Hope that helps, now I need to figure out how these California weirdos operate. Hmm, Bilbray, Issa, Bono Mack, Rohrabacher and now eMeg and Failorina, fun fun.

GOPCrusher June 25, 2010 at 12:59 pm

I have said it for years, and it bears repeating. The Coral Ridge Ministries needs to have its tax exempt status pulled and the IRS needs to go back to its founding and collect back taxes. They make no attempt to disguise their real purpose of existence, which is to affect the political process in the United States and to press for a theocracy. James Kennedy’s sermons are nothing more than political speeches for the Religious Right.
These people are far more dangerous to the American Way of Life than any Islamic terrorists.

Simba B June 25, 2010 at 1:04 pm

…this is the most confusing Wonkette post ever. Should I click on some of the links?

Hooray For Anything June 25, 2010 at 1:10 pm

I can’t wait for her to yell “Wolverines!”

Deepthroat June 25, 2010 at 1:32 pm

Oh Em Gee- I officially love you, Lauri Apple. Want to see a colored pencil flipbook reenactment.

Zorg June 25, 2010 at 2:15 pm

Interesting. The Soviet Union decided to vote itself out of existence twenty years ago, and these people are trying to make money by fighting Communism. So, the default position, when fresh out of Commies, is to discover that somewhat boring centrists politicians are, in secret fact, Commies. Well, at least the Protocols of the Elders of Zion and the Yellow Peril have finally died out as boogymen for hucksters shaking down the Boobocracy. How many decades does the Commie Peril have to run? Any odds-makers out there in Wonketteland?

OCKerouac June 25, 2010 at 2:15 pm

[re=606393]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: Id’ say it’s more like the internet’s Ft. Knox…

Pandy June 25, 2010 at 2:28 pm

[re=606529]Ducksworthy[/re]: Exactly. If the taxes and welfare helps “my own kind” then it’s okay. But if it helps someone else, it is suddenly wrong. It makes me wonder how these so-called Christians interpret the Good Samaritan story. If I’m not mistaken, the point was that you SHOULD help even those who are different than you are because we are all neighbors.

legalize everything June 25, 2010 at 3:26 pm

The name “Coral Ridge Ministries” makes it sound like this place is due for your standard FBI massacre/fail.

lukewarm June 25, 2010 at 3:44 pm

I too believe that the constitution should be replaced by the bible and that we should be led by the Protestant Pope (Limbaugh??), but what will this mean for women like fearless ouroboros Michelle Bachmann?

BlueStateLiberal June 25, 2010 at 4:10 pm

[re=606417]JMP[/re]: Hitler a practicing Catholic?–don’t think so. If anything, I think he was more into the pagan stuff.

arewethereyet June 25, 2010 at 4:55 pm

[re=606434]Abou Diaby[/re]: i think i am going to reevaluate my retirement plans. florida, arizona, colorado south and northcarolina, pretty much the whole southeast, texas, oklahoma, california, minnisota, virginia, west virginia, tennessee, kentucky, ohio. iowa, the dakotas, wyoming, idaho, nevada are all out….too many crazies. maybe i should just hideout here in pennsyltucky and hope and pray samtorum doesn’t rise again. it’s beer thirty folks, lots to think about. say good nite, gracie.

libwakman June 25, 2010 at 5:32 pm

I’d pay good Ameros to see GooGooCrazyEyes in a porno featuring her mouth so full of big cockmonster that she would be forced to Shut The Fuck Up.

MarieDeGournay June 25, 2010 at 6:45 pm

[re=606436]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: Lawl

Malketeer June 25, 2010 at 8:05 pm

[re=606390]slappypaddy[/re]: I believe the word you are looking for is “lordosis.”

Also: my theory on Bachmann’s eyes is that she’s Fremen. Don’t be surprised when she begins espousing the virtues of drinking your own urine.

afraidofheights July 6, 2010 at 3:54 pm

Ms. Bachmann has a history of amusing misstatements which would be funny if they were (a) actual misstatements not her honest opinion or (b) the mutterings of my old aunt or (c) at least not from an elected official.

How the heck does this nut get re-elected?

Anyhow, here is a story about Bachmann that is fact-based but also funny:

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