war on war

Robert Gates: Our Confusion & Chaos Should Not Lead Anyone To Believe We Are Doomed

Fuck yeah.The Pentagon Men are having some kind of teleconference via MSNBC to tell America’s Enemies (TM) that, look, just because we’ve been flailing around in Afghanistan for a decade with no real mission or logic, and just because our U.S. military commander there was an insane insubordinate redneck who ran his own warlord fiefdom based on violent assholes and Bud Lime, and just because we’re sending a new guy who most recently keeled over because John McCain looked at him weird, well NONE of that means this “confusion and chaos” should be mistaken for weakness or failure. So don’t go misconstrue this, America’s Enemies in your own Opium/Allah empire-crushing Central Asian Mad Max-land. Be mindful of the intricacies!

Gates and Admiral Mullen (no first name) are having a press conference right now! It was supposed to be about budget this-or-that, which is boring, because everybody knows the Pentagon doesn’t have to follow a common budget. If Gates and Mullen decide to pack a rocket with $100 billion in U.S. gold reserves and shoot it into deep space to “see how it affects our enemy,” who would stop them?

And, honestly, that would be a better use of “taxpayer money” (China) than spending another year or ten in Afghanistan, or Iraq.

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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55 comments

  1. ManchuCandidate

    What we need is a guy who will stand up and say “I’m in charge.” Someone like Al Haig. Or Marshall Franco.

  2. Mr Blifil

    Can’t we just send the US “Soccer” Team on a series of goodwill missions to war ravaged Sharia places and be done with it?

  3. Geogre

    Oh, yes. General Westmoreland says that, what with all the body counts, we’re clearly winning.

    (It’s really two different wars, kind of, but no point in adding that into the mix.)

    Peace by Christmas! Lithium by New Year’s!

  4. chascates

    So if the high debt we have incurred through fighting wars is so dangerous does that mean we now have to colonize Afghanistan, which has trillions of dollars worth of precious metals plus the world’s supply of heroin? I’m confused.

  5. Suds McKenzie

    [re=605799]norbizness[/re]: Just try not to target thousands years old Buddhist statues… for Jeebus, and the troops sake.

  6. Uncle Joe

    Empires. History keeps setting them up, and Afghanistan keeps knocking them down. Something for China to look forward to.

  7. Geogre

    [re=605806]sezme[/re]: Apparently, we’re now all communist fascists. We don’t have any freedoms, so they don’t hate us… or… if they don’t hate us, it must be because we don’t have any freedom, so the more hateful we are, the freer we are, and so we must be hateful, are obliged to be, so that we can be free to be what we want to be… which is hated.

  8. Larry Fine

    Someway must be found to motivate the American Soldier to fight harder and not be such chickens. Maybe by executing a few of them for being lazy, the rest of the sorry bunch will get the message and start killing more Afghani’s, and the USA can declare victory.

  9. Rush

    Ken, easy on the Dr. Pepper. The first sentence of your post was almost 100 words. You had me at “Enemies”.

  10. Oldskool

    The worlds longest tennis match ended today to thunderous applause. So let’s start shooting at bad guys behind nets. Next problem, please.

  11. Katydid

    The defense budget makes up more than half the country’s discretionary spending, and they’re having trouble cutting it. Duz it 2 yew?


  12. Post author
    Ken Layne

    [re=605815]Uncle Joe[/re]: China’s all, “Nooooo thanks, we’ll just buy the mineral rights, okay?”


  13. Post author
    Ken Layne

    [re=605824]Rush[/re]: Yr goddamned right. Get your ass on a plane to Afghanistan, and then fly *back* to Wonkette HQ in Washington, to be fired.

  14. SayItWithWookies

    At least I understand what’s going on in Afghanistan, even if it’s bogged down and difficult — it’s a war. But what the hell are a hundred thousand American troops doing in Iraq? They’re basically cooped up in bases, staying away from population centers. Can’t they do that here? Oh wait — then it wouldn’t cost a hundred billion dollars a year. Nevermind.

  15. SwanSwanH

    Is it just me, or does the whole McChrystal-Rolling Stone thing has a COL Kurtz-Dennis Hopper feel to it?

    “What are they gonna say about him? What are they gonna say? That he was a kind man? That he was a wise man? That he had plans, man? That he had wisdom? Bullshit, man!”

    You know, minus the Bud Lime part.

  16. Prommie

    [re=605832]SayItWithWookies[/re]: They’re keeping the oilfields safe from Totalfina, what the fuck you think they’re doing? Freeing the Iraqi people from despotism? If we wanted to free people from despotism, we’d have invaded Saudi Arabia, which would have been easier, those arabs are total pussies compared to the mesopotamians and persians. They’re the Italians of the middle east. “Saudi Arabian surplus rifles for sale; never fired, dropped once.”

  17. WadISay

    Unless these guys jumped up on the table, ripped open their shirts and started chanting

    Joe, Joe, Joe Bi-den,
    The USA will surely win!

    our enemies will know that we’re totally mailing it in.

  18. Golfing OJ

    McCain: “I have every confidensh in General Petraeush, because when I visited West Point we made straight for the ‘head’ for a contest, taking dumps stall by stall, and if that sturdy hunk of manbeef EVER decides to take a ‘giant shit’ on someone, they’ll stay poopy.”

    There is only one way to end this war, gentlemen: BUY CHOCOLATE-COVERED MARSHMALLOW SLIM-JIMS AT THE WALMART.

  19. JMP

    Remember after the first Gulf War, when all the press and administration officials kept cheering about how the quick and easy victory had ended the “Vietnam Syndrome” that had made Americans afraid to get involved in more wars? Well fuck that shit, Vietnam Syndrome was a good thing and we’d have been much better off to keep it.

    [re=605815]Uncle Joe[/re]: Rome, Madrid, Paris, and London are all pretty nice places to live now, and except for Italy they all have fairly decent governments; and without the empires they only get involved in stupid endless wars when they have leaders who are dumb enough to follow our lead. Having an empire is a lot more trouble than it’s worth.

  20. norbizness

    I hate to single anybody out, but can we possibly lock people who type out entire lolcatz compound sentences in the internet equivalent of a utlity closet?

  21. sezme

    [re=605832]SayItWithWookies[/re]: As I understand it, the difference between the Iraq and Afghanistan wars is that Iraq = “New Coke” while Afghanistan = “Coca-Cola Classic”. Both will rot your insides while making you obese. But no matter how many gallons you swill down, the enemy (Pepsi) will always be there laughing at you while setting your hair on fire.

  22. Snarkalicious

    [re=605845]Prommie[/re]: No shit. The stability and security of Saudi Arabia owes entirely to the fact that if troops for, for example, Jordan, got lost out in the sands while on maneuvers and so much as placed an accidental boot on the other side of the border, you’d be able to see the glow from Mars well enough to read by for the next 5000 years. If the Saudis ever decided to invade Isreal, the Pentagon would be bathed in the gore of 10000 exploded heads.

  23. Prommie

    [re=605882]Snarkalicious[/re]: Are you sayin’ the Saudis gots nukes? Or that we’d use ours to save them?

  24. nappyduggs

    That’s right, heathens; God is in the muthaeffin’ nuances. And America is nothing if not, uh, nuanced. That’s why it takes umpteen decades for us to get our war-point across.

  25. TGY

    [re=605871]sezme[/re]: Maybe Iraq=sucrose and Afghanistan=High Fructose Corn Syrup? Or possibly the reverse.

  26. Snarkalicious

    [re=605892]Prommie[/re]: The answer is yes. But we’d get there first because we haven’t traded them our satellites for three days worth of mid-grade…yet.

  27. harry palmer

    “And, honestly, that would be a better use of “taxpayer money” (China) than spending another year or ten in Afghanistan, or Iraq.”

    For real, at least it wouldn’t be creating any future terrorists. Except for maybe that guy from Pluto on Bugs Bunny. I don’t trust him.

  28. McDuff

    [re=605827]Ken Layne[/re]: Either that or sending in 100 million Han Chinese “settlers” oughta do the trick — seems to be working in Tibet.

  29. Prommie

    [re=605899]TGY[/re]: Iraq is “proxy war on behalf of Israel, Oil Companies, and Saudi Arabia, in order to topple the strongest independant regional power, eliminate a threat to israel and saudi arabia, and secure oil for US oil companies, and not those filthy french and horrid russkies.” Afghanistan is “war against the tough bastard pricks who took in the Saudi Arabians who attacked us on 9-11 who are no longer in afghanistan because they are now in Pakistan which we cannot attack because they have nukes, so we are not allowed to admit that Pakistan is actually protecting our real enemies, the saudis that we are not allowed to are the real enemies that attacked us on 9-11.”

    No, on second thought, you were right, its sucrose, and high fructose corn syrup.

  30. Geogre

    The case for Afghanistan is depressingly simple: Somalia with wealth and transport links to Europe.

    A nation-sized hole in the Earth where anyone can hide, train, build, and then, most importantly, leave is bad ju-ju. It isn’t just the U.S. that has felt this way, either. Not funny, I know. Sad. (Different from “Pakhistani tribal regions,” too, because those did not have travel links except through a formerly stable area with no civil rights.)

    As for the big conference, though, I shouldn’t worry. I doubt anyone but Drudge and Faux will think it signals effective or operational division. The rest will be too busy with Predator and Reaper drone missiles coming their way, as well as depleted Uranium bullets fired at them to worry about which of the ladies has the biggest corsage on her bosom.

  31. Maus

    If there’s one thing the Taliban and Al Quaeda love hearing, it’s our talking points.

  32. sezme

    [re=605899]TGY[/re]: Maybe more like Saccharine/Aspartame? What seemed satisfying at first (revenge!) starts to taste empty and sad.

    But wait! New and improved taste! Less carcinogenic! Maybe!

  33. comicbookguy

    [re=605793]memzilla[/re]: I say we give every employee of Haliburton a shovel and air-drop them right into those mountains. Throw in former CEOs for good measure.

    [re=605836]SwanSwanH[/re]: This is the way the career ends, not with a bang, but a fucking whimper, man!

  34. mardam422

    So we can’t freakin’ catch or kill them but we can get them to call in to a teleconference to tell them we…what? How does this look to our FRIENDS, let alone our enemies?

    “Ha ha! Stupid Americans and their Skyping.”

  35. JeffBarea

    [re=605832]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Heh. You still think it’s a war? Boringest war ever.

    46 soldiers died this month? That’s fucking Detroit. Doesn’t even rise to Chicago. Damn well nowhere near L.A.

    But keep telling yourself that it’s a war.

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