Bristol Palin Is the Yo-Yo Ma of Acting Or Something

  the voice of her generation

WHAT DO YOU MEAN ROBOT? I CAN BLINK. I AM NOT A ROBOT. I AM A TEEN MOM WHO IS YO-YO MA.On July 5th Bristol Palin will make her big-time Hollywood acting debut on America’s favorite and valuesiest television network, ABC Family, but everyone is so excited to have this wonderful gift of acting genius that a clip has been released to give us a taste of her sublime performance. In it, we see Bristol confront a fellow teenage mom at music camp with the fact that Bristol KNOWS HER SECRET and wants her to join Bristol Palin’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

WE’RE ALL TEEN MOMS AND MUSICIANS WE’RE ALL TEEN MOMS AND MUSICIANS JOIN BRISTOL PALIN’S BAND HAR HAR FRENCH HORN JOKE HAR HAR BRISTOL PALIN LEAVE NOW BRISTOL PALIN KILL BRISTOL PALIN KILL.

It is so good of Bristol Palin to educate us about teen moms and their need to learn important life skills such as playing the cello, but is it too dangerous to have her act for us? The whole country is going to die of starvation watching this glorious clip over and over. [THR]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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83 comments

  1. ManchuCandidate

    Playing herself never stopped Jennifer Aniston so it won’t stop Bristol Palin, Best Actress Oscar Winner 2016.

  2. Serolf Divad

    Poor Bristol, her life ruined by teen pregnancy! What a wonderful cautionary tale is her life: get pregnant, kid, and you’ll have to star in a bunch of mediocre TV shows and public service announcements.

  3. Cicada

    See kids, getting pregnant as a teen will turn you into a soulless, dead-eyed zombie. So don’t forget to wrap that rascal!

  4. JMP

    “This one time, at band camp, I got knocked up because I didn’t know how to use a simple rubber device.”

  5. Tommmcatt

    Marginally better than, say, Keanu Reeves, don’t you think? And only a bit worse than Sandra Bullock.

  6. BlueStateLiberal

    Has anyone ever made so much money from having a kid out of wedlock?! If only Hester Pryn had known. Oh wait, that was when American culture actually had something of value.

  7. SayItWithWookies

    So girl #2 is a teen mom in a program for teen moms and doesn’t know that everybody else in the program is a teen mom? WTF is this, the Palin Family Reunion?

  8. WarAndG

    I hope my daughter gets knocked up by an illiterate dipshit so she can get a TV show and then my wife can be a Vice President candidate and string conservative bumper sticker phrases together and be deemed the savior of world’s most paradoxical political party.

    I would then drive a snomomomobile with an open six pack under my arm and cackle at my glorious fortunate bestowed upon me by the otherwise poon trash turned lottery tickets that live under my roof. I’m rich biatch!

  9. Native of SL UT

    Of course Bristol will be a great actress. She’s been acting like she knows something about birth control for quite a while now.

  10. facehead

    “Don’t bone hot dudes when you are young, unless you are me, because omfg I’m so hot and famous and I’ve been boning so many hot dudes lately.”

  11. doxastic

    Without voice inflection, sarcasm is indistinguishable from bizarre rambling. Is Bristol Palin Yo-yo Ma? And who is the world’s best french horn player? I bet they get called the Yo-Yo Ma of the french horn, and it annoys the shit out of them.

  12. Dashboard_Buddha

    Oh for fuck’s sake. Snowbilly gets a show on TLC…The LEARNING Channel and now this? Glennvicks Beck has a best seller? When will the stupid end…when?

  13. Texan Bulldoggette

    Leave Bristol alone! She is NOT a public figure & deserves her privacy.

    (Small print: ignore the Candies contract, speaker’s bureau gig, PR/PAC she created, PSAs, teevee cameo roles & every other opportunity she takes to shill herself out. Sniff…her mother must be so proud.)

  14. JackDempsey

    I call oxymoronism.
    Everyone knows that playing a musical instrument is an inherently sexual act. Playing a cello, for example, involves sitting down and opening one’s legs. Good lord, that’s 90% of the way. And don’t get me started on the whole reed section, the devil’s playground.

  15. JMP

    [re=605720]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: There hasn’t been much learning on TLC for some time; it’s now the dwarf, pregnant teen (wait I see another Palin family opportunity here) and my-god-that-family-has-a-shitload-of-kids channel.

  16. Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=605732]JMP[/re]: It’s been years since I’ve had non-stolen cable so it’s been a while. I do remember watching some interesting shows there in the late 90s early 00s. Has it gone down the shitter since then?

  17. Suds McKenzie

    I cant wait for the “special”, Bristal gets Fucked episode. Set your DVR’s, maybe Newell can live blog.

  18. Oblios Cap

    Poor Bristol. She’s spent too much time playing with Levi’s johnson and blowing off acting classes.

  19. cembry

    As a republican I’m against this musical affirmative action program for dumb sluts. These easy chicks need to pull themselves up by their own womb-straps, etc., etc.

  20. One Yield Regular

    Is there a chance she meant, “I’m yo, yo ma” instead of “I’m Yo-Yo Ma”? I mean, just how old WAS she when she gave birth to that other girl?

    As pregnancy-themed films go, this looks like it could be the best thing since Karen Black starred in “Black Market Baby.”

  21. ShiftyParadigm

    It all makes sense now. Obviously she checked the “not sexually active” box on the questionnaire at her doctor’s office (cuz she just lies there and doesn’t move) so there was no little talk about contraception.

  22. StrangelyBrown

    I haven’t seen acting this natural since the last Politico editorial meeting.

  23. germansteel

    Among other lessons poor Bristol could use are diction lessons. And, although I assume she didn’t write the script, it sure seems about her caliber.

  24. pat robertsons personal trainer

    that other child actor must have been fist-pumping like a motherfucker when she saw that clip the first time. using b.p. as the frame of reference, lil’ ms. french horn put on a performance that put sir laurence olivier to shame. today we are all nickelodeon teen choice award winners.

  25. Absolutely Fapulous

    You gotta wonder which take they got to before the director said “Screw it, that’ll have to do.”

  26. Gorillionaire

    “But, Bristol, my mom put a special “fuck room” in our house right next to her bedroom, and then let my boyfriend stay over all the time!”

  27. foulmouthed mrscreant

    It appears that Bristol learned how to act by watching Xtranormal clips.

  28. pub_option

    Interesting. Bristol’s acting is flat and wooden, while Sarah seems to declaim as though she were appearing in a restoration comedy (albeit one lacking in wit and literacy).

  29. Mr Blifil

    A revelation; it’s like she’s not even acting at all.

    Actually she’s weirdly somnambulent throughout, like she’s just arrived for Day One of cult deprogramming. Kinda disturbing. I even get a hint that even though she desperately craves attention and wants to be a model/actress/diva/pornstar, she’s vaguely pissed that she actually has to show up and like, do stuff.

    Maybe she needs to find the perfect vector for her talents. I’d like to see her play an airline attendant who has to land the plane while saving her virginity for her wedding day by allowing her air mechanic boyfriend to do her up the butt, as he reads from the flight training manual. That would be an excellent use of her spaced out cadaverous narcoleptic disdainfulness. The Xtians are coming Hollywood. All your entertainments is belong to us.

  30. whiterabid

    She has sort of a wide-eyed Nanook of the North quality about her that was so essential in that classic movie, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

  31. Geogre

    Wasn’t this in “American Pie?” She got pregnant by a picolo, or Brian Picolo, or something like that, and we all laughed and were aroused and got ideas about Band Camp?

    I prefer the original Susan Dey to this Laurie wannabe.

  32. marioninnyc

    It might have been helpful if the director had at least explained to her who Yo Yo Ma is and what the line meant. Although it is funnier her way.

  33. An American in Toronto

    YAY! My birthday is July 5th! The Palins are literally a gift to me this year.

    But not on America’s Birthday, natch. Why do the Palins hate America?

  34. Mr Blifil

    [re=605811]marioninnyc[/re]: Xtristian-y jeebus heads don’t get cast in anything with a budget unless the producers and director are also cult members, so I’m thinking it’s a fair bet that they assumed “Yo-Yo Ma” was some Jewboy’s idea of a joke and left it at that. Because when you say it out loud, it is inherently funny!

  35. Mahousu

    We all are fine musicians
    We practice every day.
    And if you’d like to join us
    We’ll show you the way.

    Come join us, come join us
    We’d love to have you join us.

  36. Sharkey

    Acting talent is all in the jeans.

    She appears to have inherited her acting talent from her father.

  37. JMP

    [re=605745]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: Oh, it’s gone down the shitter all right. They’ve got the tabloidtastic John-and-Kate show, the creepy culty Duggars, a whole lot of shows with slight variations on childbirth (the trashiest probably being I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant); besides the babies, babies and more babies they’ve got a bunch of cooking and style shows, and a several exploiting little people as a freak show; er a, examaning their lives and the challenges they face.

  38. penalcolony

    You may think it’s funny, but the director wasn’t laughing when they hit take 50 . . .

  39. GOPCrusher

    Somewhat reminiscent of the scene in Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure when our hero plays the desk clerk in the movie about his adventure.

  40. Enslave the Whales

    [re=605705]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Don’t do that while I’m drinking coffee.

  41. Scaggsville guy

    You gotta wonder which take they got to before the director said “Screw it, that’ll have to do.”

    I like to think the director hates the Palins, did 10 takes and picked the worst one.

  42. Einstein'

    This is encouraging. Maybe ABC Family will produce my show where my alky Uncle Louie takes my son for a couple of weeks and teaches him not to drink. I’ll start filming this week.

  43. LakeLucilleLoon

    “I’m Yo Yo Ma” is what Bristol tells baby Trig, when no one else is looking.

  44. Katydid

    Bristol practicing her lines

    AND I’m Yo-Yo Ma!
    And I’M Yo-Yo Ma!
    And I’m YO-Yo Ma!
    And I’m Yo-YO Ma!
    And I’m Yo-Yo MA!

    Nailed it!

  45. Oblios Cap

    Her acting ability almost rises to that of Chuck Norris.

    They should make a sitcom together – a mix of “Eight is Enough” and one of Chuck’s martial arts movies. It could be named “Octomom”!

    Send me my residuals posthaste.

  46. Elephants Gerald

    [re=605850]Sharkey[/re]: Naw. It’s so wooden, I’m thinking she inherited it from the fence.

  47. user-of-owls

    [re=605876]penalcolony[/re]:

    “And I’m Boutros Boutras-Ghali!”

    “CUT! Take 51 aaannnddd ACTION! *sob*”

  48. AuntieLola

    It’s too bad they couldn’t afford the real Bristol instead of that cardboard cutout.

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