THE VOICE OF HER GENERATION  12:10 pm June 24, 2010

Bristol Palin Is the Yo-Yo Ma of Acting Or Something

by Jack Stuef

WHAT DO YOU MEAN ROBOT? I CAN BLINK. I AM NOT A ROBOT. I AM A TEEN MOM WHO IS YO-YO MA.On July 5th Bristol Palin will make her big-time Hollywood acting debut on America’s favorite and valuesiest television network, ABC Family, but everyone is so excited to have this wonderful gift of acting genius that a clip has been released to give us a taste of her sublime performance. In it, we see Bristol confront a fellow teenage mom at music camp with the fact that Bristol KNOWS HER SECRET and wants her to join Bristol Palin’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

WE’RE ALL TEEN MOMS AND MUSICIANS WE’RE ALL TEEN MOMS AND MUSICIANS JOIN BRISTOL PALIN’S BAND HAR HAR FRENCH HORN JOKE HAR HAR BRISTOL PALIN LEAVE NOW BRISTOL PALIN KILL BRISTOL PALIN KILL.

It is so good of Bristol Palin to educate us about teen moms and their need to learn important life skills such as playing the cello, but is it too dangerous to have her act for us? The whole country is going to die of starvation watching this glorious clip over and over. [THR]

 
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{ 83 comments }

ManchuCandidate June 24, 2010 at 12:15 pm

Playing herself never stopped Jennifer Aniston so it won’t stop Bristol Palin, Best Actress Oscar Winner 2016.

Serolf Divad June 24, 2010 at 12:18 pm

Poor Bristol, her life ruined by teen pregnancy! What a wonderful cautionary tale is her life: get pregnant, kid, and you’ll have to star in a bunch of mediocre TV shows and public service announcements.

Cicada June 24, 2010 at 12:19 pm

See kids, getting pregnant as a teen will turn you into a soulless, dead-eyed zombie. So don’t forget to wrap that rascal!

The Church of Realism June 24, 2010 at 12:20 pm

I emote more trying to decide between cold cereal and oatmeal.

memzilla June 24, 2010 at 12:20 pm

SPOILER: halfway through the performance, Bristol quits the band.

imissopus June 24, 2010 at 12:21 pm

Oh, that was glorious indeed. I’m still wiping chunks of gloriousness off my screen.

JMP June 24, 2010 at 12:21 pm

“This one time, at band camp, I got knocked up because I didn’t know how to use a simple rubber device.”

Tommmcatt June 24, 2010 at 12:22 pm

Marginally better than, say, Keanu Reeves, don’t you think? And only a bit worse than Sandra Bullock.

BlueStateLiberal June 24, 2010 at 12:22 pm

Has anyone ever made so much money from having a kid out of wedlock?! If only Hester Pryn had known. Oh wait, that was when American culture actually had something of value.

SayItWithWookies June 24, 2010 at 12:22 pm

So girl #2 is a teen mom in a program for teen moms and doesn’t know that everybody else in the program is a teen mom? WTF is this, the Palin Family Reunion?

Monsieur Grumpe June 24, 2010 at 12:22 pm

Is there such a thing as Brain Gout? Watching that gave me a case.

WhatTheHeck June 24, 2010 at 12:23 pm

You are not getting me to watch that video. No siree.
That family gives me bad gas.

Airborne Toxic Event June 24, 2010 at 12:23 pm

What, they don’t kiss? Family programming is such bullshit.

WarAndG June 24, 2010 at 12:23 pm

I hope my daughter gets knocked up by an illiterate dipshit so she can get a TV show and then my wife can be a Vice President candidate and string conservative bumper sticker phrases together and be deemed the savior of world’s most paradoxical political party.

I would then drive a snomomomobile with an open six pack under my arm and cackle at my glorious fortunate bestowed upon me by the otherwise poon trash turned lottery tickets that live under my roof. I’m rich biatch!

Tuna Industry Paybacks June 24, 2010 at 12:24 pm

[re=605704]SayItWithWookies[/re]: color me confused, too.

Monsieur Grumpe June 24, 2010 at 12:24 pm

Should have spent more time blowing that french horn.

Native of SL UT June 24, 2010 at 12:25 pm

Of course Bristol will be a great actress. She’s been acting like she knows something about birth control for quite a while now.

facehead June 24, 2010 at 12:27 pm

“Don’t bone hot dudes when you are young, unless you are me, because omfg I’m so hot and famous and I’ve been boning so many hot dudes lately.”

doxastic June 24, 2010 at 12:28 pm

Without voice inflection, sarcasm is indistinguishable from bizarre rambling. Is Bristol Palin Yo-yo Ma? And who is the world’s best french horn player? I bet they get called the Yo-Yo Ma of the french horn, and it annoys the shit out of them.

Dashboard_Buddha June 24, 2010 at 12:29 pm

Oh for fuck’s sake. Snowbilly gets a show on TLC…The LEARNING Channel and now this? Glennvicks Beck has a best seller? When will the stupid end…when?

Texan Bulldoggette June 24, 2010 at 12:29 pm

Leave Bristol alone! She is NOT a public figure & deserves her privacy.

(Small print: ignore the Candies contract, speaker’s bureau gig, PR/PAC she created, PSAs, teevee cameo roles & every other opportunity she takes to shill herself out. Sniff…her mother must be so proud.)

JackDempsey June 24, 2010 at 12:29 pm

I call oxymoronism.
Everyone knows that playing a musical instrument is an inherently sexual act. Playing a cello, for example, involves sitting down and opening one’s legs. Good lord, that’s 90% of the way. And don’t get me started on the whole reed section, the devil’s playground.

norbizness June 24, 2010 at 12:32 pm

SKIP

Resist the Palin content brain-slug, Jack

letmetellyou June 24, 2010 at 12:34 pm

:14 is the scariest line read EVER.

JMP June 24, 2010 at 12:37 pm

[re=605720]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: There hasn’t been much learning on TLC for some time; it’s now the dwarf, pregnant teen (wait I see another Palin family opportunity here) and my-god-that-family-has-a-shitload-of-kids channel.

TGY June 24, 2010 at 12:39 pm

[re=605706]WhatTheHeck[/re]: Yes. I, too, find the ‘play’ button eminently avoidable.

comicbookguy June 24, 2010 at 12:42 pm

Did someone do the band camp joke yet? Okay then. Carry on.

Snarkalicious June 24, 2010 at 12:43 pm

[re=605702]Tommmcatt[/re]: Poor Kevin Costner. His replacement has been found.

Okiku June 24, 2010 at 12:45 pm

Spoken like a true thespian.

Cicada June 24, 2010 at 12:45 pm

TEEN MOM. ALSO.

Dashboard_Buddha June 24, 2010 at 12:46 pm

[re=605732]JMP[/re]: It’s been years since I’ve had non-stolen cable so it’s been a while. I do remember watching some interesting shows there in the late 90s early 00s. Has it gone down the shitter since then?

Suds McKenzie June 24, 2010 at 12:47 pm

I cant wait for the “special”, Bristal gets Fucked episode. Set your DVR’s, maybe Newell can live blog.

Oblios Cap June 24, 2010 at 12:48 pm

Poor Bristol. She’s spent too much time playing with Levi’s johnson and blowing off acting classes.

cembry June 24, 2010 at 12:51 pm

As a republican I’m against this musical affirmative action program for dumb sluts. These easy chicks need to pull themselves up by their own womb-straps, etc., etc.

bozofish June 24, 2010 at 12:53 pm

More Laurie Partridge than Sgt.Pepper.
Come’on, get….oh, nevermind.

One Yield Regular June 24, 2010 at 12:54 pm

Is there a chance she meant, “I’m yo, yo ma” instead of “I’m Yo-Yo Ma”? I mean, just how old WAS she when she gave birth to that other girl?

As pregnancy-themed films go, this looks like it could be the best thing since Karen Black starred in “Black Market Baby.”

sezme June 24, 2010 at 12:54 pm

Teenage MILFS, coming soon!

Ruhe June 24, 2010 at 12:56 pm

[re=605748]Oblios Cap[/re]: Or blowing Levi while playing at acting?

gurukalehuru June 24, 2010 at 12:56 pm

Well, acting’s out.

ShiftyParadigm June 24, 2010 at 1:00 pm

It all makes sense now. Obviously she checked the “not sexually active” box on the questionnaire at her doctor’s office (cuz she just lies there and doesn’t move) so there was no little talk about contraception.

StrangelyBrown June 24, 2010 at 1:01 pm

I haven’t seen acting this natural since the last Politico editorial meeting.

Blue_in_VA June 24, 2010 at 1:01 pm

Can’t be emphasized enough: Today, we’re all teen moms. And musicians.

Blue_in_VA June 24, 2010 at 1:03 pm

[re=605701]JMP[/re]: You win.

chascates June 24, 2010 at 1:05 pm

Now do you realize how talented Melisa Rivers is?

germansteel June 24, 2010 at 1:06 pm

Among other lessons poor Bristol could use are diction lessons. And, although I assume she didn’t write the script, it sure seems about her caliber.

pat robertsons personal trainer June 24, 2010 at 1:06 pm

that other child actor must have been fist-pumping like a motherfucker when she saw that clip the first time. using b.p. as the frame of reference, lil’ ms. french horn put on a performance that put sir laurence olivier to shame. today we are all nickelodeon teen choice award winners.

Absolutely Fapulous June 24, 2010 at 1:08 pm

You gotta wonder which take they got to before the director said “Screw it, that’ll have to do.”

Gorillionaire June 24, 2010 at 1:11 pm

“But, Bristol, my mom put a special “fuck room” in our house right next to her bedroom, and then let my boyfriend stay over all the time!”

foulmouthed mrscreant June 24, 2010 at 1:13 pm

It appears that Bristol learned how to act by watching Xtranormal clips.

pub_option June 24, 2010 at 1:23 pm

Interesting. Bristol’s acting is flat and wooden, while Sarah seems to declaim as though she were appearing in a restoration comedy (albeit one lacking in wit and literacy).

Mr Blifil June 24, 2010 at 1:23 pm

A revelation; it’s like she’s not even acting at all.

Actually she’s weirdly somnambulent throughout, like she’s just arrived for Day One of cult deprogramming. Kinda disturbing. I even get a hint that even though she desperately craves attention and wants to be a model/actress/diva/pornstar, she’s vaguely pissed that she actually has to show up and like, do stuff.

Maybe she needs to find the perfect vector for her talents. I’d like to see her play an airline attendant who has to land the plane while saving her virginity for her wedding day by allowing her air mechanic boyfriend to do her up the butt, as he reads from the flight training manual. That would be an excellent use of her spaced out cadaverous narcoleptic disdainfulness. The Xtians are coming Hollywood. All your entertainments is belong to us.

whiterabid June 24, 2010 at 1:25 pm

She has sort of a wide-eyed Nanook of the North quality about her that was so essential in that classic movie, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

Geogre June 24, 2010 at 1:32 pm

Wasn’t this in “American Pie?” She got pregnant by a picolo, or Brian Picolo, or something like that, and we all laughed and were aroused and got ideas about Band Camp?

I prefer the original Susan Dey to this Laurie wannabe.

marioninnyc June 24, 2010 at 1:33 pm

It might have been helpful if the director had at least explained to her who Yo Yo Ma is and what the line meant. Although it is funnier her way.

An American in Toronto June 24, 2010 at 1:37 pm

YAY! My birthday is July 5th! The Palins are literally a gift to me this year.

But not on America’s Birthday, natch. Why do the Palins hate America?

Mr Blifil June 24, 2010 at 1:49 pm

[re=605811]marioninnyc[/re]: Xtristian-y jeebus heads don’t get cast in anything with a budget unless the producers and director are also cult members, so I’m thinking it’s a fair bet that they assumed “Yo-Yo Ma” was some Jewboy’s idea of a joke and left it at that. Because when you say it out loud, it is inherently funny!

Mahousu June 24, 2010 at 1:50 pm

We all are fine musicians
We practice every day.
And if you’d like to join us
We’ll show you the way.

Come join us, come join us
We’d love to have you join us.

Sharkey June 24, 2010 at 1:56 pm

Acting talent is all in the jeans.

She appears to have inherited her acting talent from her father.

JMP June 24, 2010 at 2:12 pm

[re=605745]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: Oh, it’s gone down the shitter all right. They’ve got the tabloidtastic John-and-Kate show, the creepy culty Duggars, a whole lot of shows with slight variations on childbirth (the trashiest probably being I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant); besides the babies, babies and more babies they’ve got a bunch of cooking and style shows, and a several exploiting little people as a freak show; er a, examaning their lives and the challenges they face.

penalcolony June 24, 2010 at 2:14 pm

You may think it’s funny, but the director wasn’t laughing when they hit take 50 . . .

Cheney Guevara June 24, 2010 at 2:16 pm

is her child pinnochio?

BOOBIES! June 24, 2010 at 2:18 pm

Bristol Palin is to Yo-Yo Ma as George W. Bush is to Albert Einstein.

GOPCrusher June 24, 2010 at 2:24 pm

Somewhat reminiscent of the scene in Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure when our hero plays the desk clerk in the movie about his adventure.

Enslave the Whales June 24, 2010 at 2:28 pm

[re=605705]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Don’t do that while I’m drinking coffee.

Scaggsville guy June 24, 2010 at 2:34 pm

You gotta wonder which take they got to before the director said “Screw it, that’ll have to do.”

I like to think the director hates the Palins, did 10 takes and picked the worst one.

peanutbutterjellytime June 24, 2010 at 2:48 pm

Right now, hundreds of teenage kids are saying: “Who is Yo Yo Ma?”

Einstein' June 24, 2010 at 2:50 pm

This is encouraging. Maybe ABC Family will produce my show where my alky Uncle Louie takes my son for a couple of weeks and teaches him not to drink. I’ll start filming this week.

LakeLucilleLoon June 24, 2010 at 3:20 pm

“I’m Yo Yo Ma” is what Bristol tells baby Trig, when no one else is looking.

Zorg June 24, 2010 at 3:25 pm

Where is H.L. Mencken when you really need him?

Katydid June 24, 2010 at 3:32 pm

Bristol practicing her lines

AND I’m Yo-Yo Ma!
And I’M Yo-Yo Ma!
And I’m YO-Yo Ma!
And I’m Yo-YO Ma!
And I’m Yo-Yo MA!

Nailed it!

Oblios Cap June 24, 2010 at 3:35 pm

Her acting ability almost rises to that of Chuck Norris.

They should make a sitcom together – a mix of “Eight is Enough” and one of Chuck’s martial arts movies. It could be named “Octomom”!

Send me my residuals posthaste.

Elephants Gerald June 24, 2010 at 3:57 pm

[re=605850]Sharkey[/re]: Naw. It’s so wooden, I’m thinking she inherited it from the fence.

Trinkett June 24, 2010 at 6:27 pm

Needz less Stepford.

Bordo June 24, 2010 at 6:31 pm

Suddenly, the Kardashians look like the Carradines!

ladymacbeth June 24, 2010 at 8:29 pm

heath ledger’s joking showing up as a ‘related video’ is a very nice touch.

Barrelhse June 24, 2010 at 9:13 pm

No comment. But it may be a long time before I feel like having sex again.

Flanders June 24, 2010 at 11:22 pm

Too long, made it to 0:18

user-of-owls June 24, 2010 at 11:51 pm

[re=605876]penalcolony[/re]:

“And I’m Boutros Boutras-Ghali!”

“CUT! Take 51 aaannnddd ACTION! *sob*”

Swessdawg June 25, 2010 at 12:37 am

“I must kill Frank Drebin. I MUST KILL FRANK DREBIN!”

Rachel Ray Jihad June 25, 2010 at 1:43 am

Oh, I thought that was Snooki.

ainm cleite June 25, 2010 at 11:04 am

Bristol is officially our best chance of getting Twin Peaks back on the air!

AuntieLola June 25, 2010 at 11:36 am

It’s too bad they couldn’t afford the real Bristol instead of that cardboard cutout.

Minnie Mean July 27, 2010 at 3:44 pm

uh-oh, I think someone’s got a Botox habit!

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