Seattle’s famous alt-weekly The Stranger has a special new issue full of GOP Sexytime stories, mostly involving homosexual encounters with Jebus Preachers and other Republican types. But how do you know the “sweet,” “gently” and “sappy” guy you’ve picked up is actually a family values conservative? Well, maybe after you schtup him and vice versa, go take a look at his living room decor.
“But until I wandered into his living room post-coitus, I hadn’t quite put it together. Among the other stuff — Ikea, Eddie Bauer — was a set of children’s blocks on top of his entertainment center spelling W-W-J-D. Then I discovered a photograph of him, my one-night stand, at a McCain rally. Hanging on the wall. Framed.”
Wait, so throwaway shelving and Pacific Northwest outdoor wear equals homosexual? We though everybody in Seattle and Portland lived that way, sad in the rain like glum turtles. Except for the John McCain pictures and Jebus slogans … but maybe that’s still ironic in the PacNW, we will have to check next time we are cruising for yuppies up there. [The Stranger via Wonkette operative "WeeJee"]
{ 63 comments }
That’s a really depressing boneyard scenario.
If it’s in The Stranger, it’s probably true.
How do these fucking people sleep at night? Oh wait, they don’t, they cruise bus stops for homeless men who they can kill afterwards to satisfy their schtupers remorse.
The Ikea crap should have been the first clue.
This is good news for John McCain.
Also warn a brutha about NSFW article titles.
People in Seattle and Portland aren’t always sad in the rain; they spend most of their time proving how hip they are and talking over and over again how Seattle or Portland is the just the coolest place to live and far hipper than whatever city they’re dissing.
Well we all fall in love
But we disregard the danger
Though we share so many secrets
There are some we never tell
Why were you so surprised
That you never saw the GOPer
Did you ever let your lover see
The GOPer in yourself?
This confusing, because I had always been told:
Plaid shirt on girl = lesbian
Plaid shirt on guy = lumberjack
The WWJD stands for *Who* Would Jesus Do? Jesus in The Big Lebowski. Speaking of which, “This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!”
RITO, Republican in taste only.
Children’s belongings and no kids is also rather a dead giveaway.
I thought one would feel a deep self loathing and the urge to go to ghey clubs/strip bars and watch gay pron for “research” while bashing/putting down/secretly masturbating to in great shame other gays.
A cautionary tale for shtupping someone without knowing a bit about them, first.
If he screams “Ronnie I still love you” when he comes. That would be a good clue. Also if his name is Mike Huckabee, also a good clue.
Q: How Do You Know If You’ve Had Gay Sex With a Republican Dude?
A: If you’re a dead woman or a little boy.
(h/t to treebu)
[re=605612]Johnny Zhivago[/re]:
Tonight only! At the Dearborn Civic Center, CREEPING SHARIA AND THE LESBIAN LUMBERJACKS!
[re=605615]Mr Blifil[/re]: No, that thing, the childrens stuff, thats a sign you just schtupped Michael Jackson. Or a Priest.
[re=605612]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: Also plaid shirt on person of either gender who has not bathed for several days and is wearing a knit cap indoors for some reason = 1995.
The framed McCain rally photo just makes the whole scene so …. disturbing. Perhaps if the author had checked out the bedroom closet, he might have seen the fully inflated McCain doll. Senator Walnuts in a thong is just so hot.
Country First! And when we’re done with that, let’s have some sweaty man-on-doll action.
Well, I was just schtupping this Seattle guy last week and he had a full set of 1962 World Book Encyclopedias, an Anne Murray poster, an armadillo lamp and chocolate fountain.
What does this tell me?
I don’t know about the Ikea stuff, but Eddie Bauer just screams gay Republican. And if you want to end up buried in somebody’s crawlspace, I’d suggest looking for a guy who drives one of those Eddie Bauer special edition Ford Broncos or whatever they used to make.
it should’ve been obvious when the dude felt entitled to be the top.
So Ikea signals Republican now? I figured that Republicans were more “heavy dark wood and/or leather furniture” types…
[re=605610]JMP[/re]: People in Seattle and Portland … spend most of their time … talking over and over again how Seattle or Portland is the just the coolest place to live and far hipper than whatever city they’re dissing.
And what makes it *really* annoying, is they’re right.
[re=605655]Autoo[/re]: To run away as fast as you can.
[re=605610]JMP[/re]: and there’s the bookstore in Salem they can visit if they feel spiritually lacking.
[re=605655]Autoo[/re]: It tells you that he likes to send confusing signals to one-night stands.
[re=605610]JMP[/re]: They spend much of their days dissing California in Seattle. I moved there with a tan from Huntington Beach… hooooo boyyyyyy.
[re=605664]Cicada[/re]: Oh, come on. He should at least try out the chocolate fountain first.
It’s “Who would Jesus Do?” He should be flattered.
Was the photo of him schtupping McCain? Enquiring minds want to know.
[re=605612]Johnny Zhivago[/re]:
Did you say “Lumberjack?”
Well…
I’m a republican and that’s okay
I troll all night and I sleeps all day
What, no Shoney’s souvenir glassware? It’s home of the “Big Boy.”
Hey, the Republican Party is a Big Tent! They welcome all sorts of people, gay, straight, white, white, black, brown. As long as you’re willing to pretend to be white, straight and Christian in public, there’s plenty of closet space in the Republican Big Tent!
Jesus Christ, Susie Bright wrote a story in that issue about having hot lesbian sex with Sarah Palin. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on your point of view, it had more Crunchwrap Supreme-eating than taco-eating.
[re=605606]Potater[/re]: Right?! Folks’ll start thinking I fuck Republicans!
[re=605655]Autoo[/re]: I think it means you had sex with Burt Bachrach.
“How Do You Know If You’ve Had Gay Sex With a Republican Dude?”
You wake up sticky, confused, and your wallet has been stolen?
[re=605612]Johnny Zhivago[/re]:
Oh, Honey, please. Queens have been trying to approximate butch by wearing plaid shirts over wife beaters for years now. Haven’t you ever been to a gay pride parade?
[re=605599]Dolmance[/re]: Actually, the Boneyard is in Urbana. Runs through the engineering campus, although it didn’t look anything like the photo in the clicky when I was there.
[re=605655]Autoo[/re]: 1962 WorldBook Encyclopedias? That explains to me that his reference material classifies his gayness as a mental illness. Oh yeah, and welcome to the jet age!
[re=605672]Can O Whoopass[/re]: Huntington Beach? Ewwwww…
[re=605614]Scarab[/re]: Made me think of FRITO, Fag Republican is Totally Out, (Fabulous Republican in Tragic Outfit?).. Anything for FRODO? I suck at this.
[re=605645]JMP[/re]: I know! I once bought a solar watch cap from the Eddie Bean catalog and it totally didn’t work indoors.
“was a set of children’s blocks on top of his entertainment center”
The author should be glad he didn’t find his lover’s collection of used children’s shoes in the closet.
[re=605606]Potater[/re]: A link to the Stranger about gay sex IS warning it is NSFW.
The one-night stand thing wouldn’t make me feel cheap or dirty at all, but the McCain pic would make me want to bathe in bleach.
[re=605663]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Cold. Cold as the Juneuary rain.
There is a similar story from San Francisco about Michael Savage, except the photo in his living room was from the Nuremberg Rallies.
usually, if it’s a Republican they throw money on the dresser before they leave.
Your dick doesn’t know when it’s been stuck in something ironically.
[re=605808]WadISay[/re]: Stop that, I had to take a few minutes to resume the normal source of all my procrastination.
Yeah, we all have throwaway shelving and outerwear. Eddie Bauer is the giveaway. No one here buys Eddie Bauer. Well, not new. You could wait a few years, and buy it for twice the original price at the Red Light. Then it’s Ironic (TM).
The Seattle Ikea clientele looks like your traditional Birkenstock hippie-dippies to me. And I hear the Swedish chef from the Muppets now cooks at the Tukwila Ikea. Not a Republican hangout, really.
[re=605724]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: [re=605688]SayItWithWookies[/re]: [re=605671]Zadig[/re]: Actually, it was a joke and not true, as I have not crossed the barrier into that love which dare not speak its name, but everyone else calls ‘teh gay’.
I wasn’t even in Seattle last week, but rather Texas at a family reunion. Lotsa pretty gals, blues bands and great BBQ. Just about the only things I like about my ancestral homeland.
[re=605612]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: Plaid shirt on Seattle guy: bisexual
Hey hey hey now: you forgot to mention cheap, Buddhist-oriented statue-type crap that we bought at Pier One on sale.
[re=605896]Autoo[/re]: Protest too much, much?
Also be on the lookout for: WSU license plate frame.
I was fascinated and a little envious by those stories. They read as if being a gay man means living in this sexual wonderland where there’s no baggage and no hoops to jump through, if the two men want sex they just up and HAVE SEX. Reminds me of a friend’s explanation of the male approach to sex: “It’s like a back rub. A back rub from someone you really like is awesome, but it still feels good no matter who’s doing it.”
How do you tell? He asks you to call him “Daddy.”
[re=605662]NotNotLickingToads[/re]: I used to sell furniture for a living and I can tell you IKEA does not signal Republican in most of the country. Real or even ersatz modern signals Democrat and since IKEAs only exist in urban metro areas, that means “blue.” Republicans seek the reassuring comfort of TRADITIONAL furniture, preferably cherry wood and tweedy, or better yet, plaid upholstery. I never met a Democrat who owned a Thomas Kincaid “painting” and I never sold to a Republican male who didn’t lust after “legends of the Old West-style” bronze sculptures. Mommy won’t usually approve the purchase, but just looking at that stuff makes those dudes hard thinking about Raygun.
[re=606161]Jukesgrrl[/re]: Ever been to an Old Country Buffet restaurant? Think pastel blues, wainscoting, wall to wall carpet, “God Bless This House” plaques, plastic houseplants/flowers and other rural themed bric-a-brac. That’s what I see when I envision the home of a “real Murikan.”
I’m from Seattle and yeah, with this awful spring/summer we’re having, “glum turtle” is a fucking awesome description.
[re=605645]JMP[/re]: I’d argue 1988. But point taken.
[re=605600]Big Liver[/re]: I dunno, they were all in favor of invading Iraq (Dan Savage was skeered of Islamofascists). And the monorail they promoted just fueled real estate speculators while forcing people out of their homes before it went tits up without laying a foot of track.
Remember, the Stranger was started by people who the Onion paid to go away.
Comments on this entry are closed.