increasing bmi to increase leadership ability

Does America Need a Fat President?

You're right, Gene Healy, that guy who broke the bathtub was America's greatest president.Cato Institute Vice President Gene Healy writes in the Washington Examiner today that the U.S. needs a fat president. Finally someone says what we’ve all been thinking. This oil spill mess and wars on Islam could all be solved if we just had a president that didn’t mind slurping up the oil or eating the Taliban. Why is Obama refusing to be fat? He hates America, obviously.

Healy meditates on a photo of Obama and Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour on the beach. Obama looks out of place, a “beanpole president,” while Barbour looks completely natural on the beach. In times like these, an undulating paunch calms us. That fat gut looks like a leader, and we are ready to follow it. Yet Obama is stubbornly still healthy and won’t let Barbour be president.

Look, all the evidence we need is in Shakespeare:

“Yon Cassius has a lean and hungry look; he thinks too much. Such men are dangerous,” Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar comments to Marc Antony. “Let me have men about me that are fat … such as sleep o’ nights.”

Related video

Yes, let us listen to Caesar. Thin men like Obama think with their brains and have the capability to shape world events like Cassius. Fat guys are too busy stuffing their faces and sleeping to do anything that would have a major effect on history, like all true leaders. That’s what we need.

A few years back, Slate examined the relationship between flab and presidential performance. What it found suggests that if you want New Frontiers and crusades for democracy, then vote for the skinny striver. If you’d prefer someone who leaves well enough alone — who’s content to preside over peace and prosperity — pick the porker.

Why are you messing with the peace and prosperity that you inherited when you came into office, Obama? You’re NOT FAT, that’s why. Washington, Lincoln, Taft — ALL of America’s greatest presidents have been fat.

Healy hints that the stars may be aligning for Chris Christie, “America’s best governor today.” Really, how could look at a fat fuck like Christie and not elect him over Obama? Giant bellies exude experience, expertise, and competence. Obama is thrice a minority, by the way, being male, being black, AND not being overweight. How can we identify with and trust a leader who hasn’t had at least one heart attack? It was sort of fun having a minority elected, but now we just want a president who looks like us. And not a moment too soon, as Obama’s skinny leadership has left America a mess.

But, of course, Obama himself is a shrewd political operator. His cholesterol levels are up, according to his latest checkup, and he’s started to get the hang of sitting on his ass and not making decisions. Can he manage to get fat in time for 2012?

Related

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

136 comments

  1. Terry

    “Healy meditates on a photo of Obama and Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour on the beach. Obama looks out of place, a “beanpole president,” while Barbour looks completely natural on the beach.”

    Obama’s from Hawaii. Yeah, he’s uncomfortable on beaches. I hear he’s spooked by pineapples and sunshine, too.

  2. CrunchyKnee

    “…while Barbour looks completely natural on the beach.” So does a beached whale.

  3. JMP

    “America’s best governor today” has a plummeting approval rating, thanks to his the very thing idiots conservatives like this dipshit love him for, his plan to fuck over all the poor and middle class in Jersey while handing out money to the rich.

    And I don’t know if this was intentional on your part, but it’s fun to bring up Julius Caesar in a post on an article by an asshole from the Cato Institute; named after one of his biggest political enemies, the man whose childish temper tantrums and refusal to allow any negotiations with Caesar basically ended up forcing him to start the civil war. He was an aristocratic, right-wing douche who hated the Roman poor and is believed to have invented the filibuster, so he is a perfect for the douchebags that named their institute after him.

  4. Joe Biteme

    [re=605182]bfstevie[/re]: That’s because we try harder, because we’re grateful, also.

  5. ManchuCandidate

    In Canada City we have a fat PM and I don’t see him being any different than the thin RW PMs we’ve had in the past. A very self conscious fat PM, who wears flak jackets and photo vests to hide his moobage. Also, it’s kind of hard to demand people to tighten their belts if they can’t see below their waist line.

  6. Sue

    So, Barbour looks natural on a beach. Has assclown Healy heard Barbour speak? They guy who said if BP puts money into an escrow account to pay claims, it won’t have the money to pay claims. Oh, waith, I get it. Healy’s a republican. SO, someone be a complete brainless fuktard so long as they “look” presidential. But, wasn’t Bush skinny too?

  7. ph7

    Louisiana, Louisiana
    They’re tryin’ to oil us away
    They’re tryin’ to oil us away

    President Coolidge came down in a railroad train
    With a little fat man with a note-pad in his hand
    The President say, “Little fat man isn’t it a shame what BP has
    done
    To this poor crackers Gulf.”

  8. Jim89048

    Any “institute” that names themselves after Inspector Clouseau’s sidekick has it’s shit together. That is all.

  9. SayItWithWookies

    Celebrity culture has infected American politics. Since the advent of television, we’ve reliably opted for the taller candidate — those with receding hairlines need not apply. We seem to have forgotten the purpose of the office. We’re not casting a chick flick here — we’re picking a constitutional chief executive.

    …so we owe it to ourselves to look beyond mere superficiality and elect the fattest person we can find. It makes as much sense as most of the crap that comes out of Cato. And at least I won’t be surprised when they endorse a fois gras for president in 2012.

  10. Lascauxcaveman

    Porky-ass Teddy Roosevelt was about as striving a go-getter as you will ever see. Skinny “Silent Cal” Coolidge was about as laid-back-comatose as can be imagined, except for Woodrow Wilson, who actually *was* comotose for a few months there.

    So yeah, this theory is a swiss cheese of political wankery.

  11. user-of-owls

    [re=605201]Sue[/re]:

    But, wasn’t Bush skinny too?

    Well that air pocket between his ears had to knock off a few pounds at least.

  12. edgydrifter

    Good news: this means Wasilla Slim will never be president. Bad news: this means Mark Penn will be Emperor For Life.

  13. MarieDeGournay

    So much for looking to the best among us to be our leaders. Nah, let’s get the stupid, fact fuck to steer the ship of state. What could go wrong?

  14. Suds McKenzie

    Are our Presidents supposed to sound like they have a hamster habitrail in their mouths too?, Like Haley Barbour.

  15. HedonismBot

    Drown the government in a bathtub, then break the bathtub. That’ll teach the soshulissts.

  16. One Yield Regular

    Great. Just great. He only tells us this NOW, instead of telling it to Scalia in December, 2000?

  17. Beef Supreme

    Good lord, finally, someone is talking some sense. We need a lardo prez who says “Yes we can have seconds”. We need a real leader to zoom around in Rascal One, always with a bucket of fried of chicken in his lap. We need a fatty fat that soils himself constantly, and it’s okay that the pipes are all messed up down there and you don’t want to know anymore.

    But it has to be a man because no fat chicks.

  18. populucious

    Christ could these people come up with ANY MORE asinine reasons why Obama shouldn’t be President? Have we compared his shoe size to Herbert Hoover yet? I read sh*t like this and all I hear screaming is “He’s BLACK…HE’S BLACK…We Elected Him and He’s STILL BLACK”!!

  19. Horselover Fat

    In dire times such as this, we need a suicidally jolly fat man to tumble head-over-teakettle down the White House steps, or to be caught in flagrante delecto stuffing his face with buffalo wings at 3 AM in a Rotunda kitchenette, or to fart volubly during press events. America needs to laugh and love again, and what better way to do so than at the expense of the grotesque hambeast we (should have) elected as our leader! Shaking our heads as a golf cart carrying the double-girth Obama obesenoid topples over on the White House lawn and a fanfare of comic splatting noises is played over the loudspeakers, we as a nation can FINALLY grapple with our fears, our insecurities, and our secret love of deep frying things that have already been deep fried. Ah, what COULDN’T Barack the Porkchop do?

  20. sleepy

    for the record, dubya became a bit of a porker hisownself: tipping scales at ~210 upon leaving office. srsly, that’s about 40 lbs overweight. fat, in other words.

  21. HedonismBot

    [re=605231]Horselover Fat[/re]: Thanks. I needed a good laugh! Now I can go back to being unappreciated and overworked at my soul sucking job.

  22. JackDempsey

    This describes John Daly to a T.
    Unfortunately, he already *has* a job which he is performing badly, and he is unlikely to take a second.

  23. legalize everything

    Between Barbour’s body and his blowhole it seems like he’d be at more at home in the water than on the beach.

  24. Hemp Dogbane

    This is more bad news for Beanpole Pawlenty, but even Tim would have to agree, that’s some common-sensical reasoning there.

  25. x111e7thst

    [re=605193]JMP[/re]: Pederast too. Which might be the subtext to that oddly named Institute’s name.

  26. Blogette

    ““Yon Cassius has a lean and hungry look; he thinks too much. Such men are dangerous,” Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar comments to Marc Antony. “Let me have men about me that are fat … such as sleep o’ nights.”

    OMFG. I can’t….it’s not….that’s not…..OMFG.

    Healy, you useless wanker. Caesar wanted “fat” morons around instead of driven men like Cassius PRECISELY because morons (like you) are too busy satisfying themselves and gorging on pleasure to notice anything around them, let alone CHALLENGE Caesar in any way.

    English is America’s language, eh? Perhaps you need a remedial course, you snivelling prat. English isn’t even my first language and even I get what Shakepeare meant. And right, Haley “beached whale” Barbour looks more comfortable on the beach…..because that is why Americans spend millions every year on cosmetic surgery, liposuction, fitness training, fake tans & and diet programs because they WANT to look like….Haley Barbour……when they’re at the beach. You’re an idiot, STFU.

  27. Blogette

    [re=605231]Horselover Fat[/re]: Brilliant. Bonus points for using “head over teakettle” in your comment!

  28. gurukalehuru

    Lincoln was fat? Who knew.

    Seriously,what’s going on here: Republicans have so seriously repressed all the things they want to say about race but can’t because that’s no longer acceptable among human beings that things had to bubble over somewhere else, and another deep, dark truth was revealed.
    Deprived of their naturally inherited right to just say “Fucking Nigger” and be done with it, they have a Tourettes style Freudian outpouring: “We are fat! We are gross! We are disgusting!”

  29. Katydid

    Yeah, because remember how all the Republicans loved chubby Bill Clinton, and chubby Monica Lewinsky, and remember how there were no fat Monica Lewinsky jokes, because fat=competent, esp. in public life? Healey’s brilliant, I tells ya. In an it’s-so-brilliant-it-sounds-retarded kinda way.

  30. Freedom McAwesomePants

    Isn’t Obama left handed, too? And how many presidents have signatures that looked like ejaculating penises? We need to get rid of Thin Mint, we need Double Stuff!

  31. Katydid

    A lot of my family lives in NJ, and let me just say, fat fuck Chris Christie is only pushing all the problems onto the local municipalities, and he gave the governor’s staff a $440,000 raise, so, no, he is NOT the best governor in the country today. Just the fattest. I hope the citizens of NJ aren’t paying his food bills.

  32. imissopus

    Glenn Beck was just shitting himself the other day over an Executive Order establishing some commission to promote public health and wellness, so this fits right in with some right-wing meme. Why does NObama hate our Cheetos?

  33. Lefty Lucy

    [re=605230]populucious[/re]: [re=605254]gurukalehuru[/re]: It’s like they’re all Dr. Strangelove, gamely trying to suppress their “Heils!”

  34. BlueStateLiberal

    Hopefully Palin and Romney will take this advice–wouldn’t it be fun to see them lumbering around in 2012?

  35. CindyinEncinitas

    I blame that Miss Fancy-pants wife of his. If she hadn’t been so busy going to college and shit she would have learned how to make biscuits and gravy like a proper fat guy’s wommin.

  36. JackDempsey

    So it’s agreed—–
    we’d all like our president to have an extremely large lard-enhanced butt and/or mid-section.
    Next order of business—–
    all presidential portraits must be painted on black velvet.
    Can I get a second?

  37. Pandy

    [re=605230]populucious[/re]: You must be using the same translator that I use when I read Real American English.

    And also, as far as this little Wonkette quote is concerned,
    “It was sort of fun having a minority elected, but now we just want a president who looks like us.”
    There are some Americans that he actually does look like, you know…just saying…in case you didn’t.

  38. Hemp Dogbane

    [re=605255]Katydid[/re]: It’s Newt who has a stranglehold on the Fat=Competent meme.

  39. Rotundo

    I thought Cheney was kinda chunky, and that didn’t work out so well. Maybe Cato is trying to launch a meme similar to the “Who would you rather have a beer with?” meme that people bought with W. Who would you rather hang out with: Fat, sassy and not too bright, or some skinny policy wonk that is deep in thought? I’m Haley Barbour and I done paid fer this advertisin’.

  40. Sue

    [re=605247]Blogette[/re]: Okay, you’re not supposed to read and understand the text and implication, you’re just supposed to quote it as if it supports whatever position you want. Geesh. Stop with the critical thinking people.

  41. weejee

    Got’s to agree with my fellow Warshingtonian [re=605208]Lascauxcaveman[/re] on too many exceptions to the skinny-fat impact on presidential inertia. When Dorothy Parker was told old skinny Silent Cal had passed into the good night, she replied “How could they tell?”

  42. Barrelhse

    [re=605206]Jim89048[/re]: Oh, I thought they named it after OJ’s renter. You know, cuz he was wicked smaaht like the Institute chums.

  43. just pixels

    This puts Obama just 900 bacon double cheeseburgers from greatness.

    With the thoughts he’d be thinkin’
    He would be another Lincoln
    If he only had some gain.

  44. Katydid

    [re=605272]Hemp Dogbane[/re]: I thought Newt had a stranglehold on the Newt=Irrelevant meme. Or did I misunderstand you?

    And speaking of misunderstanding, Cato is libertarian, yes? If so, I’m about to ask a question that probably has no answer, and maybe I shouldn’t ask, but what the hell is wrong with libertarians?

    I read some lunatic libertarian economist’s blog yesterday, and the guy was arguing that women had more liberty in the 19th century even though they couldn’t vote, because they didn’t/don’t need to vote.

    Do libertarians really believe the bullshit they spew?

  45. BlueStateLiberal

    [re=605259]Katydid[/re]: Unfortunately we are paying his food bills. I live in this crap state and your assessment is entirely correct, he is a huge walking disaster, fat or skinny, he is going nowhere.

  46. user-of-owls

    Per usual, the fekkin’ idjit got it wrong. Taft was so magnificent because the man had some damned facial hair! I mean seriously, we have to go back to, what, TR to find a President that wasn’t in the pocket of Big Razor.

  47. harry palmer

    [re=605284]Katydid[/re]: “Do libertarians really believe the bullshit they spew?”

    It really does seem like mental masturbation, “thought experiments” totally divorced from actual experience, except that they’re trying to implement them for real. They pretend as though the government had nothing to do with gangstering and clearing out the injuns, laying canals, railroads, then interstates, putting the framework down so business could have a peaceful and educated workforce/ customer base. This all happened because of socialism, but like George Bush they were born on 3rd base but think they hit a triple. As many have pointed out, Somalia is the actual libertarian paradise.

  48. Tube City

    That was just a “humorous,” snarky argument in favor of not disqualifying New Jersey Governor Christie from presidential aspirations just because he’s so very fat. From the comments there, it’s clear what Christie has done to make himself “America’s best governor.” He has gone to war with America’s worst enemy, public school teachers! You know, the communists who – PAID BY TAXES – teach all that useless knowledge we don’t need no more now that we can just pray to Jeebus for more food, please.

  49. BeWoot

    If Healy wants to see Barbour look completely natural, he should get a shot of him wearing overalls and standing in a hog pen.

  50. harry palmer

    [re=605297]harry palmer[/re]: And by the way Lincoln was a big backer of gov’t subsidizing canals and railroads, and Ike created the interstate system (and just let Obama or anyone else try to cut federal highway subsidies and see howlong they can last being so “antibusiness”, and the tea-tards would be shrieking the loudest). No cognitive dissonance required, though – it’s not welfare if it’s for white people.

  51. Tube City

    Hopey looked pretty natural in his swimsuit pictures on the beach last year. Let’s see how Barbour looks au natural in a swimsuit on the beach. And Christie! Err, never mind.

  52. Katydid

    [re=605297]harry palmer[/re]: I mean, everyone knows the LaRoucheys are nuts, but Wikipedia says a 2010 UPenn study named Cato the 5th most influential “think tank” in the world. Cato was also named the world’s “top think tank for innovative ideas” in 2009.

    The study’s author wrote: “Cato’s libertarian stance, once viewed as fringe, is now considered respectable. With its anti-incumbent, anti-Washington attitude, Cato has antagonized liberals with its push to privatize Social Security, as well as conservatives with its vigorous opposition to the Iraq war.”

    That’s what bothers me, that their crap seems to be gaining traction.

  53. DC Hates Me

    I hate having to call people “retarded” but Gene leaves us no choice. Gene Healtardy is the Vice Presitard of the CATardO Institard, a Libertardian Think-Tard based in Washingtard, DC. Gene is not right in the head.

  54. El Pinche

    It’s simple. You don’t want some hot slim black guy with a 9 in cock who makes your wife wet to be your supervisor. You want a non-threatening fat fuck with diabetes like Huckabee who’s just like you!

  55. Numbat Dundee

    [re=605193]JMP[/re]: Except Cato was apparently very thin (he was a stoic and disliked “decadent” overeating).

  56. Katydid

    [re=605285]BlueStateLiberal[/re]: Then you’re gonna want to sit down for this one. The fat fuck hired a ghost twatter for $60,000 a year. But the fat fuck is cutting money for soup kitchens.

  57. harry palmer

    [re=605306]Katydid[/re]: “That’s what bothers me, that their crap seems to be gaining traction.”

    More than 30 years beating us over the head with it, bombarding us in the media all day every day. But the elites enjoy life in a banana republic.

  58. Tube City

    So his argument turns on his perception that somehow Obama just seems … out of place? Compared to a white man who seems … more natural? Sure, we all see that.

  59. Radiotherapy

    [re=605310]El Pinche[/re]: How about Hucklasses creepy, Boy Scout lovin’, FAT, canine-sadist son? I’ll bet a lot of patriots can identify with that as well.

  60. Anonymous Office Zombie

    Think tanks like the Cato Institute are fucking awesome. People who work for them must be so smart that they don’t even have to think before, during, or after they write something.

    Fat presidents = jolly heroes.

    Skinny presidents = untrustworthy losers.

    Saint Ronald “Motherfucking” Regan, Bush Sr., Bush Jr., Nixon, Washington, Lincoln, Jackson, etc. = all skinny bastards. Ergo untrustworthy, failure losers in no way loved or endored by the likes of anyone at the Cato Institute.

    Q.E.D.

  61. doloras

    [re=605312]Numbat Dundee[/re]: Oh, brilliant. How does the ALP think it can win an election by changing PMs with a few months to go?!?

  62. Beanball

    [re=605306]Katydid[/re]: The best explanation of the seeming anti-social attitude of Libertarians might be that they don’t believe in “society” as such. Allow me to quote.

    Perhaps the fundamental dispute between libertarians and liberals such as myself resides in the ontological status of “society” and “the public.”

    The social atomism of the libertarians was starkly expressed by Margaret Thatcher when she wrote: ““There is no such thing as society – there are individuals and there are families.” And Ayn Rand: “There is no such entity as “the public” … the public is merely a number of individuals” Now admittedly, Baroness Thatcher is not a political philosopher, and Ayn Rand insisted that she was not a libertarian. So let’s look further.

    Consider first, this passage from Frank Chodorov:

    Society is a collective concept and nothing else; it is a convenience for designating a number of people… The concept of Society as a metaphysical concept falls flat when we observe that Society disappears when the component parts disperse… When the individuals disappear so does the whole. The whole has no separate existence. (Quoted by David Boaz, Libertarianism: A Primer, p. 96).

    Next, David Boaz of The Cato Institute:

    For libertarians, the basic unit of social analysis is the individual…. Individuals are, in all cases, the source and foundation of creativity, activity, and society. Only individuals can think, love, pursue projects, act. Groups don’t have plans or intentions. Only individuals are capable of choice…

    [At] the conceptual level, we must understand that society is composed of individuals. It has no independent existence. (Ibid., p. 95).

    Now consider the implications of this denial of the “independent existence” of “the public” and “society.” If there is no “public,” then there are no “public goods” and there is no “public interest.” If there is no “society,” then there is no “social harm,” or “social injustice” or “social (and public) responsibility.” It then follows that government has no role in mitigating “social injustice” or promoting “the public interest,” since these terms are fundamentally meaningless. Poverty and racial discrimination, for example, are individual problems requiring individual solutions.

    – Ernest Partridge (http://gadfly.igc.org/papers/hoiles.htm)

  63. chascates

    [re=605324]Bearbloke[/re]: Such as Sarah Palin or Michele Bachmann? I’d prefer a dingo at the head of our government.

  64. Jukesgrrl

    “America’s best governor today”? Surely I’m not the only one here who remembers when some woman who could see Russia from a meth lab in Wasilla had that title? She was also “The Hottest Governor in America,” if Meg Stapleinjury is to be believed.

    [re=605231]Horselover Fat[/re]: Caught in flagrante delecto? Farting volubly? A fanfare of comic splatting noise? We could get one of those from Italy.

  65. Radiotherapy

    [re=605324]Bearbloke[/re]: Insert drapes and carpet joke here ___________. I always wondered what happened to Scully.

  66. Beanball

    Attention all HTML Police: The standard notation for “blockquote” (greater/less-than carats) does not work on Wonkette. Boo.

  67. weejee

    [re=605297]harry palmer[/re]: [re=605306]Katydid[/re]: Every time I hear Cato, my poor pea brain runs up an image of Burt Kwouk trying to strangle Peter Sellers in on the the Pink Panther farces. You guys add libertarian mental masturbation and top think tank for innovative ideas and zap – you’ve put me in intellectual vapor lock. Cato is packaging political phlogiston theory wholesale for teatarded electeds who package it and sell it retail like Costco does toilet paper – by the car load (and we are talking rail cars, not some damn Prius). How does this fiction keep getting sold as fact?

    I know, I know, nothing new under the sun.

  68. Geogre

    Oh, those ignorami!

    The allusion they seek goes to Plutarch’s Life of Caesar. It’s near the end (obviously), when Plutarch is stacking up “omens of Caesar’s assassination that he ignored.” His advisers warned him of plots against him by Dolabella and Marc Antony. Caesar said that he did not fear such fat, corrupt, and lecherous men. (We assume that the former was fat. We know that Antony was a horndog of the first water.) He said that he feared pale and thin men like Cassius.

    President Obama is not pale. SaraPAC is pale. QED

  69. Geogre

    Oh, and I just out-Classicist-ed the Cato Institute.

    Pay me, assholes.

    (I once wanted Frances Hutcheson’s On Aesthetic Judgments. I found it on Hamason.com. It was really inexpensive, and it had a good editor, it seemed. I bought it. The editorial apparatus was scholarly, and the man who wrote the introduction was quite thorough, but there were these pages that looked like the sorts of signed confessions that Iranian dissidents produce. The first and last pages of the introduction were “Hutcheson and Freedom” and that kind of thing. The book was published by The Liberty Fund. Hence the low price. Hence the “They made me write this bit, but it’s nonsense” sections. These guys fall all over themselves “rescuing heroes of Liberty” without knowing anything about what they’re doing. Still… cheap books, so… silver lining.)

  70. Blogette

    [re=605312]Numbat Dundee[/re]: I reckon! I leave the country for a coupla years and this is what happens! So tell me, fellow Aussie – what do we think of this Julia Gillard? Not up to speed on Oz politics anymore. My family is reliably Labour although they really have been disappointing of late. Labour….not my family =)

  71. Country Club Jihadi

    I, too, feel safer with a leader who has chafed inner thighs and moisture in his belly button. It’s a plus if he can’t see his dick.

  72. x111e7thst

    [re=605324]Bearbloke[/re]: I would so totally hit that. In fact if she wore the schoolgirl outfit and the ponytail I would then back up and hit it again. And I think you know what I mean.

  73. x111e7thst

    [re=605337]user-of-owls[/re]: They must have been too busy playing with the puppy to chase that asshole very far.

  74. x111e7thst

    [re=605350]Country Club Jihadi[/re]: The care with which you have considered this matter frightens me.

  75. Hooray For Anything

    I think the point is that if we had a fat President, we wouldn’t have a President who’d waste precious hours of the day exercising in an effort to stay thin. If Obama didn’t get up at like 5:30 every morning to hit the tread mill for an hour and occasionally go golfing, we’d have have a booming economy, the oil spill would be plugged, and the quotes of Chairman Mao would be read in every class room. Fat Presidents get more shit done.

  76. Jindal the Oil Volcano

    Right so in essence he’s saying we need a great big lardass to sit around breathing heavy and do nothing? Methinks someone from Cato is north of slim…what is it with fat guys? It’s not enough that the rest of us have to deal with you cleaning out buffets or crowding us in the store with your Rascals and voting Republican or worse yet BEING elected Republicans and befouling our televisions with your flabby asses and biblical literalism; or maybe just like Haley Barbour being big, fat assed and smug Klan throwbacks…now after all this we have to take shit from some Cochtopus douche who claims that sitting on your fat lazy asses and doing nothing makes you superior? I do know one thing…if a real famine breaks out and we run out of abundant food sources America is well provisioned with beefy lardos stuffed with cracklin’

    I thought wingnuts always bitched that Americans are too lazy to find jobs, now they want a big fatso like Christie who’s too lazy to DO his job? the dissonance is fierce today, my head is spinning. Oh and I want Healy to run his ass around the block a few times or maybe hire a search party to find his dick, also.

  77. President Beeblebrox

    Every day I grow older in this foul Year of Our Lord 2010, WALL-E seems less like a heartwarming kid’s movie and more like a prophecy of America’s future…

  78. Simba B

    [re=605328]Beanball[/re]: It’s funny how that individualism fetish falls flat when it comes to talking not about social policy and such, but about corporations.

    Wonder how those quoted feel about corporate personhood. Oh, wait, no I don’t.

  79. nappyduggs

    What this country needs, has always needed, and has basically clamored for since time began is actually the combination of what we have now and what this nincompoop up here at this Institute is speaking of: a fat, black, WOMAN POTUS. Name me one fat black lady that America hasn’t fallen ass-over-eyebrows in love with. Go ahead, try. Can’t do it can ya? Fat.Black.Women.Run.Shit.

    Aunt Jemima/Weezy Jefferson ’12

  80. you didn't ask, but

    Some bullshit wanna-be-Rove bullshit. “Ooh! Let’s take one of Obama’s strengths and try to use it against him! He’s pretty attractive and fit, hot, smart…hmmm. Well let’s present Barbour and Christie for contrast.” Make the lardtards feel better about themselves.

    I guess positing affable skinny Huck is being revised to Huck-the-fat-fuck. And Romney wouldn’t work ’cause the motherfucker is greasy as the gulf and not a passable actor enough (a la Reagan) to hide it.

  81. chascates

    [re=605369]nappyduggs[/re]: We haven’t earned her yet. We have to go through all these ‘leaders,’ visionaries,’ rogues,’ and what have you before we can accept someone whose lap we’d love to sit on, eat a homemade cookie, and listen to a story.

  82. imissopus

    [re=605356]chascates[/re]: “And can anyone explain how ‘Objectivism’ is any more valid than Scientology?”

    Scientology or any religion. The true believers of anything don’t like hearing contradictory evidence.

  83. southern mark smith

    [re=605311]Numbat Dundee[/re]: According to HBO, you’re right. WHY DOES THE CATO INSTITUTE HATE CATO SO MUCH?

  84. NYNYNY

    [re=605344]Geogre[/re]: I have a friend who does number tricks for Cato and Heritage… Hello G.N., what’s the name you lurk under here?

    Whenz I readz you guyses fancy classical allusions ‘n stuff, I gots so hot I Jack Stuef all over my cumputer and my Marcus Aurelius

  85. Poisoned Rationality

    [re=605328]Beanball[/re]: From Wiki:

    The 17-member Libertarian National Committee[5] (currently chaired by Mark Hinkle) is responsible for overseeing day-to-day operations of the national Libertarian Party and its headquarters, in representative style.

    So then, why a national committee responsible for whatever-the-fuck? Shouldn’t each individual Libtard operating independantly in the best interests of the party just somehow lead to a winning stategy? If they somehow won a national election wouldn’t they want to impose their ‘society’s brand of policy?

    La-hu-za-hers, I say

  86. SayItWithWookies

    [re=605328]Beanball[/re]: There’s no such thing as society — that’s the most succinct way of explaining Libertarianism that I’ve come across, so thank you for that. And it’s interesting that libertarians seem to have discovered deconstructionism before the deconstructionists did — because it would be cute as a way of approaching art or literature sorta, but even its inutility in those fields would point to deconstructionism being sheer idiocy when made an applied political philosophy.

    It would be as though a music critic decided to interpret music solely as a collection of vertical (in the sense of a page of musical score) notes or only one instrument at a time. He would be right to say then, while listening to Bach, that there was no such thing as a fugue — but only within his limited framework of what music theory is.

    Or, to take their idea one step further — there’s no such thing as an individual. Because what is an individual other than the illusion that a bunch of organs working together (and there are no such things as organs either, but I digress) produce a sense of being something other than the collected result of their individual actions? Of course since there are no individuals (or organs or tissues or cells, etc.) their whole idea of individual will is rather ridiculous also. So by a logical extension of their own cutesy philosophy, the supremacy of the individual over the state is a meaningless argument, as it’s a comparison of two illusions.

  87. trondant

    [re=605385]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Whoa, you got your Deleuze and Guattari in my dick jokes.

  88. user-of-owls

    Deleuze and Guattari? Isn’t that the fancy schmancy gourmet food outfit? Oh, and there’s no such thing as a dick.

  89. S.Luggo

    “What it found suggests that if you want New Frontiers and crusades for democracy, then vote for the skinny striver.” This explains Bill Clinton.

  90. S.Luggo

    No, we don’t need a portly, fatty-fat-fat McFat-fat prez. Such girth is what destroyed the Republic when Martin Van Vanderlay (import/export) assumed the WH office in the 1830s. (How soon we so damn forget.)

    But we could do with someone like AusZealand’s new PM Julia Gillard. Mates, she knows how to display her sheilas.
    http://tinyurl.com/3yhmkg5
    Look on the left, dickwads. Unless, of course, you’re a fudge packer, in which case I apologize for calling you a dickwad.

  91. BarackMyWorld

    [re=605328]Beanball[/re], [re=605385]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I’d hope that one well timed “So you’re saying groups of people have no influence on their members or on anyone else?” would complete expose the absurdity of that line of thinking….but I know better.

  92. zhubajie

    Cato shmato. Loonitarian outfits like Cato live by begging. They don’t actually produce anything anyone wants to buy.

  93. zhubajie

    [re=605284]Katydid[/re]: :Do libertarians really believe the bullshit they spew?”

    Unfortunately, yes, they do.

  94. Geogre

    [re=605382]NYNYNY[/re]: Other than the fact that I’m a socialist (small s), it might just work.

    By the way, on the issue of Cato, he’s a weird figure, because no corpse has been as much of a flag in all of politics (if only because of time).

    Original Cato: was an aristocrat. He was a strict Republican in ancient Rome, in that he believed that the order of the Roman Republic was divinely ordered and that the Senate, made up of equites and patricians (knights and nobles), should rule. Legendary for being inflexible in his morality, except that he wasn’t when it came to warring patrician groups. He was cool with them. When he got all shirty was when there was any challenge to that.

    Free trader’s Cato: in 1713, Cato came roaring back as a symbol. When it looked like the British would need to change war policy, and the common folks were agitating against bleeding to death for pointless wars, Cato was a noble figure who said, “Parliament is great.” This was answered with Peacenik Cato, because the original Cato had hated Caesar (actually because he opposed Caesar’s constant pro-plebian measures) and had ruled that Caesar had waged war and continued war for the enrichment of the general. Thus, Cato got to be a symbol for people who wanted to say, “Military industrial complexes create wars to get rich.”

    Founding Father Cato is, hilariously, Peacenik Cato, as the FF’s drew from the radical whigs and the Patriots. Thus, today’s “Cato Institute” is probably better off saying that they named themselves off of Bruce Lee’s television character, because they seem to be Republican butlers, not moralists.

    (Sorry for going so long.)

  95. Geogre

    [re=605420]S.Luggo[/re]: She’s very nice, but if she really cared she’d get implants, like SaraPAC.

    She has fine features, without the leering, but Rudd was doomed. He didn’t doom himself. (A windfall profits tax is good economics, but the fact that they’ve got those profits means that they’d rather pour every last penny into advertising and poison than allow the first penny go to the national aid. See America, United States of.)

  96. Redhead

    And this kind of logic is why we had two terms of a president people could relate to, wanted to have a beer with, instead of one that could actually do the damn job.

  97. nappyduggs

    [re=605371]chascates[/re]:

    If we got what we’ve earned, we’d be exactly where we are, which is where we’re at. We need that dark fatty up in this piece, NOW.

    [re=605379]the problem child[/re]:
    She’s too non-committal in her fatness. We need someone who is settled in being on BBW, and knows how to work it, for the wisdom.

Comments are closed.