HaHa David Petraeus Won’t Be Running For President In 2012 Now

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DRUDGE DRUDGE DRUDGE PALIN PALIN PALIN FACEBOOK FACEBOOK FACEBOOKBarack Obama has supposedly chosen David Petraeus as new commander of the U.S. forces in Afghanistan, even though John McCain made Petraeus faint last week at the Capitol. So no David Petraeus for President in 2012. This has been a Wonkette 2012 Update. [AP]

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A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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  • chascates

    Patraeus had better start carrying around those ammonia capsules to combat his fainting spells. The Taint of Afghanistan marches on!

  • ManchuCandidate

    RW wingnut bleating about how like this is Truman vs MacArthur and how McCrystal will be like MacArthur and run for preznit and will win the GOPer nomination… Eisenhower won in 1952? What?

  • populucious

    It’s morning in America!

  • An Outhouse

    So Obama sent McCrystal-Meth to see Donald Trump??

    YOU’RE FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • TGY

    Wait, but how can he do that? It would be a step down for Petraeus from CENTCOM. Unless it’s just until a replacement can be found.

  • Vulpes82

    [re=604887]chascates[/re]: Don’t forget the fainting couch! He might also want to loosen those corset stays.

  • Suds McKenzie

    I thought Patraeus was already in charge of a war, wait, … which war is this again, … how may wars are there?

    Is this good news for John McCain?

    I haz a faint\confused.

  • chascates

    [re=604895]TGY[/re]: It’s like two spankings for the price of one!

  • JMP

    But doesn’t he already have one war to not win already?

  • Buzz Feedback

    I was hoping WALNUTS would go back on active duty and take over.

  • JMP

    [re=604889]ManchuCandidate[/re]: He’ll be just as successful as McClellan in 1864. Hmm notice that insubordinate fired generals have all been Mcs or Macs; see this proves the Irish can’t be trusted.

  • chascates

    You don’t go to war with the generals you wish you had; you go to war with the generals those assholes Bush and Rumsfeld didn’t run off.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Does the general know he’s going to be drinking Buckler and virgin daquiris until this mess is over? At least he has some incentive to win, at least.

  • Nerdalicious

    Thanks for your Jack Nicholson bit…hilarious & so very true.

  • chascates

    Someone just came out in a brown suit and said something into the microphone. Who the hell wears a brown suit?

  • Slattenpat

    Watch, Obama is going to let Petraeus “capture” Osama bin Laden (after he is released from the U.S. prison in cave #378 in Pakistan) just to spite General McMeth.

  • chascates


  • Nerdalicious


  • Slattenpat

    CHAIN OF COMMAND! Ever heard of it, Stanley?

  • madtowngooner

    Biden to McChrystal: Bite Me

  • steverino247

    [re=604907]chascates[/re]: Sad, but true. Those generals told Rumsfeld, et al., that such wars shouldn’t be started because you can’t win them. One of them, Eric Shinseki, is now in charge of the VA and trying to get the disabled from those wars the services they need. That has to be a really painful job for Shinseki, knowing he spends his day cleaning up the human wreckage of unnecessary wars he could not prevent. My wife and Iraq War Vet son met him at an event and said he looks sad, but dedicated to the task.

  • chascates

    [re=604923]steverino247[/re]: I think Shinseki and the others who retired rather than go into the Middle East for a frat boy’s prank are the real patriots. The ones who fell on their sword rather than be part of a fool’s errand.

  • Suds McKenzie

    [re=604904]Buzz Feedback[/re]: He would somehow find a way to crash Afghanistan into an Ocean.

  • RobPetrified

    With apologies to Mat Greining and all the Simpsons writers:
    “Dr. Zaius,“Petraeus”

    Ape: Help, the human’s about to escape.
    Troy: Get your paws off me, you dirty ape.
    Ape: [gasping] He can talk!

    Apes: [in unison, rythmed] He can talk
    He can talk
    He can talk
    He can talk
    He can talk
    He can talk

    Troy: [singing] I can siiiiiing!

    [funky beat of “Rock Me Amadeus” starts playing]

    Female Nurse Ape: Ooh, help me General Petraeus!
    Apes: [in unison] General Petraeus, General Petraeus
    Gen. Petraeus, Gen. Petraeus, Gen. Petraeus
    Gen. Petraeus Gen.Petraeus
    Oh… Gen. Petraeus
    Ape: Gen. Petraeus, Gen. Petraeus.

    Troy: What’s wrong with me?
    Petraeus: I think you’re crazy.
    Troy: Want a second opinion.
    Petraeus: You’re also lazy.

    Apes: [in unison] Gen Petraeus Gen Petraeus
    Gen Petraeus Gen Petraeus
    Gen Petraeus Gen Petraeus Gen Petraeus

    [one ape starts breakdancing]

    Oh… Gen DPetraeus
    Ape: Gen Petraeus Gen Petraeus.

    Troy: Can I play the piano anymore?
    Petraeusaius: Of course you can.
    Troy: Well I couldn’t before!

    [plays piano]

    “You’ll Never Make a Monkey Out of Me”

    Troy: [singing] I hate every ape I see
    From chimpan-a to chimpan-zee
    No, you’ll never make a monkey out of me

    Oh my God, I was wrong
    It was Earth all along

    You’ve finally made a monkey
    Apes: Yes, we’ve finally made a monkey
    Troy: Yes, you’ve finally made a monkey out of me
    Apes: Yes, we’ve finally made a monkey out of you

    Troy: I love you, General Petraeus!


  • Bearbloke

    [re=604905]JMP[/re]: “…the Irish can’t be trusted.” And thus is summed up the history of Australia!

  • engulfedinflames

    Declare victory (or peace with honor) and go home.

  • Jukesgrrl

    Hey, Patraeus, be an American and eat a sandwich. Preferably one prepared by TGIF.

  • zhubajie

    [re=604913]Slattenpat[/re]: O. bin L. is running a felafel stand in DC. Ahmedinejad told the truth and no one believed him!

  • zhubajie

    Guys, gals, you knew all along Petomane would not run! Bible-Spice is pre-destined to win! Lead the US into total disaster for 8 years! She will be the Yeltsin of the USA! G-d, the divine practical joker, told me so!