Eliot Spitzer, Kathleen Parker To Be Quarantined On Terrible CNN Show

  he said she said we suffer

Artist's conceptionDo you worry every time you leave your house about encountering Eliot Spitzer, who will attempt to pay you for sex, or Kathleen Parker, who will attempt to determine if you are a “full-blooded American,” and then bludgeon you with her Pulitzer Prize if you aren’t? Well, now at least the period from 8 to 9 p.m. every night will be safe, because these two will be busy making eyes at each other on CNN during that time period. Quick, scurry out and purchase supplies!

Spitzer and Parker’s Olde Time Politics Variety Hour will replace Campbell Brown, who was too good and pure for this world. Remember how CNN used to have shouty shows where political enemies would shout at each other, loudly, before Jon Stewart shamed them out of it? Well, that’s not what this show is about! Instead, it will offer “a lively roundup of all the best ideas.” ALL THE BEST IDEAS, ON ANY TOPIC. If your idea isn’t rounded up by this show, it is not the best, or even very good.

But wait, with Spitzer an avowed liberal whoremonger and Parker a self-described “rational conservative,” won’t the show inevitably devolve into acrimony?

“As a veteran print journalist, I am appropriately respectful of the challenges posed by the medium,” said Parker. “But I’m thrilled by the opportunity to discuss the issues that matter to me — and that aren’t heard often enough on television — in a conversation with one of the nation’s most brilliant, fearless and original thinkers. With Eliot Spitzer as my co-host, Wall Street and Main Street will finally meet. It can’t possibly be boring.”

“Kathleen is an extraordinary intellect whose sharp observations and wit are certain to resonate with viewers,” said Spitzer. “I look forward to working alongside her in a discussion that will inform, challenge, and entertain.”

Whichever CNN marketing intern came up with those lines and attributed them to these two hosts deserves a Pulitzer plus the governorship of New York plus a Congressional Medal of Honor, for being able to put those words in that order, in reference to Eliot Spitzer and Kathleen Parker, without vomiting to death.

(Your Wonkette morning editor, in case you aren’t picking up on it, will probably not be watching this show.) [CNN]

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

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53 comments

  1. facehead

    Eliot Spitzer is “one of the nation’s most brilliant, fearless and original thinkers.”

  2. JMP

    “Rational conservative” is one of those oxymorons. Hopefully, this revival of the angry shouting match show will mean the return of “Fuck You with Pat Buchanan and Bill Press.”

    Will we soon have giant Kathleen Parker lurking behind Wonkette for a while? That could scare people away.

  3. doxastic

    Leave it to CNN to find such a precise pairing, where the presence of one will completely alienate the already miniscule following of the other. It is a veritable masterpiece of incompetence.

  4. SayItWithWookies

    Spitzer’s only stipulation is that Kathleen Parker has to leave her high heels on during the entire show.

  5. GoinGreen

    I really don’t give a shit about commenting on this piece – I just wanted to see myself in italics!

  6. Clancy_Pants

    So I’m confused. Is she saying she’s Wall Street or Main Street? And veteran print journalist? Pahleeeez!

  7. doxastic

    [re=604809]SayItWithWookies[/re]: and, because he is a gentleman, Spitzer will keep his socks on.

  8. norbizness

    I would rather watch the Platinum Edition of Bio-dome without Stephen Baldwin talking about his relationship with Jesus on the commentary track. What a coupla fuckstains.

  9. Clancy_Pants

    From Merriam-Webster’s:

    Whore Monger, whore·mon·ger, noun: One of the nation’s most brilliant, fearless and original thinkers.

  10. Prommie

    Seems God has responded to Palin’s prayers: WASHINGTON – The live video stream from the Deepwater Horizon spill on Wednesday showed a sudden surge in oil, raising concerns that the containment cap might have been blown off.

  11. MarieDeGournay

    I’d only watch if they broadcast it from inside the belly of a blue whale, and at the end of the show they’re spit out on foreign shore: the location determined by the winner of a Japanese style gameshow.

  12. germansteel

    I don’t know if I can tear myself away from Eternal Word Network to watch this, but I may try just once to see if I like it.

  13. Golfing OJ

    It’ll be great watching scabies-scratching Spitzer clutch the table white-knuckled so as not to sneak glances at Parker’s lamb-fattened boobs, which surround and protect the million-dollar bills that were shoved down her bra by the Esso Tiger when she danced a solo Macarena in Joe Barton’s Cirque de Semen.

    What’s the CNN tag for this? “Remember, Dipshits: Every Side Needs To Be Heard. Even Lucifer’s, Yes, The Actual Real Devil Who Plots To Destroy Mankind, Every Single Second.”

  14. dijetlo

    I miss Campbell already. Her pert smile, her witty repartee, her big ol’…advertising dollars…
    Why did her parents name her after soup, I wonder?

  15. dijetlo

    [re=604825]Prommie[/re]: We should have known that was going to happen when we saw “Trojans” stenciled along the side of the damn thing.

  16. mercure

    I’m guessing that money must be near to non-existant in the fields of print media and prostitute-using. ‘Cause being on yet another one of those shouty-blah-blah politics talking head shows isn’t exactly an upward career move.

  17. rmjag

    he can teabag her on live t.v. then she’ll have earned those “hard-won american values” that obama never has . in that way

  18. populucious

    “…in a conversation with one of the nation’s most brilliant, fearless and original wankers.”

    /fixed

  19. Radiotherapy

    WTF ever happened to Rudi Bakhtiar?
    Or how about that French tittie, Melissa Theuriau?

  20. weejee

    Spitzer sez Kathleen is an extraordinary intellect

    WTF?? Is he reading tea leaves or did McPisol bring him some black tar opium or something? Parker’s a Pulitzer Putz winner ’cause the ctte drank every ounce of gin in the whole City of New York in one night and then voted. My brain haz asploded.

  21. sadderbutnowiser

    “Whoremonger” — did he sell them too? I thought he was more of a whorerenter.

  22. Manos: Hands of Fate

    “With Eliot Spitzer as my co-host, Wall Street and Main Street will finally meet.” WTF does that mean? Is Spitzger, the guy who busted balls on Wall Street for years before they busted back supposed to be Wall Street.

    And at what point does being a millionare columnist for the Washington Post disqualify you from being Main Street?

    I guess it would be too much to ask for cable news networks to hire actual experts on policy issues instead of professional bloviators who pile on even more bs to our utterly degenerated political discourse.

  23. Joshua Norton

    Yay!! 2 sock puppets screaming slogans at each other. What an original idea! Nothing like this has ever been done before in TV history. Unless you count the one million other times it was.

  24. Aurelio

    People in this thread have correctly identified the kinky subtext: Jaded Jewish cosmopolitan New York user-of-whores joins dumb, formerly cute, naive Southern shiksa for nightly teevee show. The point is to arouse self-loathing and prurient interest, which will help the ratings. What are these two thinking as they talk? What sorts of pictures go through their minds? Look at how he looks at her! Look at how she looks at him! Ewwwww! I can’t look, but I gotta peek! Ewwww!

  25. Manos: Hands of Fate

    [re=604866]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: Oh, I forgot Spitzer and his people always have to play Wall Street.

  26. President Beeblebrox

    I love that photo of Spitzer. I can’t decide whether he reminds me more of Ernie from “Sesame Street” or Gollum.

  27. Jim89048

    Yeah. The media has never paired a whoremonger with a whore before. This should end well.

  28. Jukesgrrl

    [re=604861]weejee[/re]: “Spitzer sez Kathleen is an extraordinary intellect.”

    Which is why her first major decisions in life were to pick Converse as her college and then transfer to Florida State University.

    Well, I guess it’s smarter than leaving Hawaii for Idaho.

  29. Aurelio

    [re=604964]Jim89048[/re]: Isn’t a whoremonger someone who peddles whores? Elliot didn’t peddle whores; he fucked them. Molly Malone was a fishmonger. Does that mean she fucked fish?

  30. lawrenceofthedesert

    The show may get tweaked after it is clobbered in the ratings by Andre Rieu re-runs and a new C-Span special, “Watching Grass Grow.”

  31. PlanetWingnuta

    Welcome Back to the Client 9 show…i’m your host Eliot Spitzer…in today’s news… Prostitution should it be made legal?

  32. LindsayBluth

    HAHAHA! Oh jebus. Once upon a time, I used to write “quotes” for people in press releases, so I have a special appreciation for the conscience-repressing fortitude it takes to come up with bullshittery such as this.

Comments are closed.