HE SAID SHE SAID WE SUFFER  12:27 pm June 23, 2010

Eliot Spitzer, Kathleen Parker To Be Quarantined On Terrible CNN Show

by Josh Fruhlinger

Artist's conceptionDo you worry every time you leave your house about encountering Eliot Spitzer, who will attempt to pay you for sex, or Kathleen Parker, who will attempt to determine if you are a “full-blooded American,” and then bludgeon you with her Pulitzer Prize if you aren’t? Well, now at least the period from 8 to 9 p.m. every night will be safe, because these two will be busy making eyes at each other on CNN during that time period. Quick, scurry out and purchase supplies!

Spitzer and Parker’s Olde Time Politics Variety Hour will replace Campbell Brown, who was too good and pure for this world. Remember how CNN used to have shouty shows where political enemies would shout at each other, loudly, before Jon Stewart shamed them out of it? Well, that’s not what this show is about! Instead, it will offer “a lively roundup of all the best ideas.” ALL THE BEST IDEAS, ON ANY TOPIC. If your idea isn’t rounded up by this show, it is not the best, or even very good.

But wait, with Spitzer an avowed liberal whoremonger and Parker a self-described “rational conservative,” won’t the show inevitably devolve into acrimony?

“As a veteran print journalist, I am appropriately respectful of the challenges posed by the medium,” said Parker. “But I’m thrilled by the opportunity to discuss the issues that matter to me — and that aren’t heard often enough on television — in a conversation with one of the nation’s most brilliant, fearless and original thinkers. With Eliot Spitzer as my co-host, Wall Street and Main Street will finally meet. It can’t possibly be boring.”

“Kathleen is an extraordinary intellect whose sharp observations and wit are certain to resonate with viewers,” said Spitzer. “I look forward to working alongside her in a discussion that will inform, challenge, and entertain.”

Whichever CNN marketing intern came up with those lines and attributed them to these two hosts deserves a Pulitzer plus the governorship of New York plus a Congressional Medal of Honor, for being able to put those words in that order, in reference to Eliot Spitzer and Kathleen Parker, without vomiting to death.

(Your Wonkette morning editor, in case you aren’t picking up on it, will probably not be watching this show.) [CNN]

 
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{ 53 comments }

chascates June 23, 2010 at 12:31 pm

TEN WHORE DIAMONDS!!!!!

Jar Jar Was a Senator June 23, 2010 at 12:33 pm

CNN just hates ratings, I guess.

memzilla June 23, 2010 at 12:33 pm

With Eliot Spitzer as my co-host, Wall Street and Main Street and the Reeperbahn will finally meet.

/fixed

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reeperbahn

bfstevie June 23, 2010 at 12:34 pm

Will there be mud wrestling?

facehead June 23, 2010 at 12:34 pm

Eliot Spitzer is “one of the nation’s most brilliant, fearless and original thinkers.”

JMP June 23, 2010 at 12:34 pm

“Rational conservative” is one of those oxymorons. Hopefully, this revival of the angry shouting match show will mean the return of “Fuck You with Pat Buchanan and Bill Press.”

Will we soon have giant Kathleen Parker lurking behind Wonkette for a while? That could scare people away.

ManchuCandidate June 23, 2010 at 12:35 pm

CNN presents “Spitz and Swallows”

Katydid June 23, 2010 at 12:36 pm

KaPar’s real statement: “Too many Joos on teevee.”

Gratuitous World June 23, 2010 at 12:38 pm

I just Campbell Brown’d my pants. this will be predictably unwatchable.

JMP June 23, 2010 at 12:39 pm

This new show is so exciting, it italicized all our comments..

Snarkalicious June 23, 2010 at 12:40 pm

All Gremlins 4 n’ shit.

facehead June 23, 2010 at 12:41 pm

[re=604794]ManchuCandidate[/re]: You are a gentleman and a scholar.

doxastic June 23, 2010 at 12:42 pm

Leave it to CNN to find such a precise pairing, where the presence of one will completely alienate the already miniscule following of the other. It is a veritable masterpiece of incompetence.

SayItWithWookies June 23, 2010 at 12:43 pm

Spitzer’s only stipulation is that Kathleen Parker has to leave her high heels on during the entire show.

GoinGreen June 23, 2010 at 12:44 pm

I really don’t give a shit about commenting on this piece – I just wanted to see myself in italics!

Clancy_Pants June 23, 2010 at 12:44 pm

So I’m confused. Is she saying she’s Wall Street or Main Street? And veteran print journalist? Pahleeeez!

GoinGreen June 23, 2010 at 12:45 pm

[re=604794]ManchuCandidate[/re]: P.S. – GENIUS!!

doxastic June 23, 2010 at 12:46 pm

[re=604809]SayItWithWookies[/re]: and, because he is a gentleman, Spitzer will keep his socks on.

Golfing OJ June 23, 2010 at 12:46 pm

First to shut off italics!!!!1!

norbizness June 23, 2010 at 12:47 pm

I would rather watch the Platinum Edition of Bio-dome without Stephen Baldwin talking about his relationship with Jesus on the commentary track. What a coupla fuckstains.

Prommie June 23, 2010 at 12:47 pm

[re=604797]Katydid[/re]: Are joos real amurricans? Or only Episcopalian joos?

Clancy_Pants June 23, 2010 at 12:47 pm

From Merriam-Webster’s:

Whore Monger, whore·mon·ger, noun: One of the nation’s most brilliant, fearless and original thinkers.

Prommie June 23, 2010 at 12:52 pm

Seems God has responded to Palin’s prayers: WASHINGTON – The live video stream from the Deepwater Horizon spill on Wednesday showed a sudden surge in oil, raising concerns that the containment cap might have been blown off.

MarieDeGournay June 23, 2010 at 12:53 pm

I’d only watch if they broadcast it from inside the belly of a blue whale, and at the end of the show they’re spit out on foreign shore: the location determined by the winner of a Japanese style gameshow.

germansteel June 23, 2010 at 12:55 pm

I don’t know if I can tear myself away from Eternal Word Network to watch this, but I may try just once to see if I like it.

Nappied Hypotenuse June 23, 2010 at 12:55 pm

[re=604794]ManchuCandidate[/re]: That’s the one.

Golfing OJ June 23, 2010 at 12:58 pm

It’ll be great watching scabies-scratching Spitzer clutch the table white-knuckled so as not to sneak glances at Parker’s lamb-fattened boobs, which surround and protect the million-dollar bills that were shoved down her bra by the Esso Tiger when she danced a solo Macarena in Joe Barton’s Cirque de Semen.

What’s the CNN tag for this? “Remember, Dipshits: Every Side Needs To Be Heard. Even Lucifer’s, Yes, The Actual Real Devil Who Plots To Destroy Mankind, Every Single Second.”

dijetlo June 23, 2010 at 12:58 pm

I miss Campbell already. Her pert smile, her witty repartee, her big ol’…advertising dollars…
Why did her parents name her after soup, I wonder?

Golfing OJ June 23, 2010 at 12:59 pm

[re=604816]Golfing OJ[/re]: Oh shuddup.

dijetlo June 23, 2010 at 1:01 pm

[re=604825]Prommie[/re]: We should have known that was going to happen when we saw “Trojans” stenciled along the side of the damn thing.

mercure June 23, 2010 at 1:03 pm

I’m guessing that money must be near to non-existant in the fields of print media and prostitute-using. ‘Cause being on yet another one of those shouty-blah-blah politics talking head shows isn’t exactly an upward career move.

rmjag June 23, 2010 at 1:07 pm

he can teabag her on live t.v. then she’ll have earned those “hard-won american values” that obama never has . in that way

populucious June 23, 2010 at 1:13 pm

“…in a conversation with one of the nation’s most brilliant, fearless and original wankers.”

/fixed

Radiotherapy June 23, 2010 at 1:14 pm

WTF ever happened to Rudi Bakhtiar?
Or how about that French tittie, Melissa Theuriau?

weejee June 23, 2010 at 1:18 pm

Spitzer sez Kathleen is an extraordinary intellect

WTF?? Is he reading tea leaves or did McPisol bring him some black tar opium or something? Parker’s a Pulitzer Putz winner ’cause the ctte drank every ounce of gin in the whole City of New York in one night and then voted. My brain haz asploded.

sadderbutnowiser June 23, 2010 at 1:22 pm

“Whoremonger” — did he sell them too? I thought he was more of a whorerenter.

Manos: Hands of Fate June 23, 2010 at 1:23 pm

“With Eliot Spitzer as my co-host, Wall Street and Main Street will finally meet.” WTF does that mean? Is Spitzger, the guy who busted balls on Wall Street for years before they busted back supposed to be Wall Street.

And at what point does being a millionare columnist for the Washington Post disqualify you from being Main Street?

I guess it would be too much to ask for cable news networks to hire actual experts on policy issues instead of professional bloviators who pile on even more bs to our utterly degenerated political discourse.

Joshua Norton June 23, 2010 at 1:23 pm

Yay!! 2 sock puppets screaming slogans at each other. What an original idea! Nothing like this has ever been done before in TV history. Unless you count the one million other times it was.

Aurelio June 23, 2010 at 1:36 pm

People in this thread have correctly identified the kinky subtext: Jaded Jewish cosmopolitan New York user-of-whores joins dumb, formerly cute, naive Southern shiksa for nightly teevee show. The point is to arouse self-loathing and prurient interest, which will help the ratings. What are these two thinking as they talk? What sorts of pictures go through their minds? Look at how he looks at her! Look at how she looks at him! Ewwwww! I can’t look, but I gotta peek! Ewwww!

Manos: Hands of Fate June 23, 2010 at 1:54 pm

[re=604866]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: Oh, I forgot Spitzer and his people always have to play Wall Street.

President Beeblebrox June 23, 2010 at 2:20 pm

I love that photo of Spitzer. I can’t decide whether he reminds me more of Ernie from “Sesame Street” or Gollum.

Jim89048 June 23, 2010 at 2:24 pm

Yeah. The media has never paired a whoremonger with a whore before. This should end well.

CthuNHu June 23, 2010 at 2:37 pm

For the first time ever, I feel sorry for Eliot Spitzer.

GOPCrusher June 23, 2010 at 3:08 pm

I will only watch this if there is the possibility of gunfire.

Jukesgrrl June 23, 2010 at 3:26 pm

[re=604861]weejee[/re]: “Spitzer sez Kathleen is an extraordinary intellect.”

Which is why her first major decisions in life were to pick Converse as her college and then transfer to Florida State University.

Well, I guess it’s smarter than leaving Hawaii for Idaho.

Aurelio June 23, 2010 at 3:31 pm

[re=604964]Jim89048[/re]: Isn’t a whoremonger someone who peddles whores? Elliot didn’t peddle whores; he fucked them. Molly Malone was a fishmonger. Does that mean she fucked fish?

lawrenceofthedesert June 23, 2010 at 4:17 pm

The show may get tweaked after it is clobbered in the ratings by Andre Rieu re-runs and a new C-Span special, “Watching Grass Grow.”

natteringnabomb June 23, 2010 at 5:04 pm

Test patterns and the yule log will get higher ratings.

PlanetWingnuta June 23, 2010 at 5:08 pm

Welcome Back to the Client 9 show…i’m your host Eliot Spitzer…in today’s news… Prostitution should it be made legal?

desertwind June 23, 2010 at 5:12 pm

All that and Piers Morgan, too?

CNN is back, baby!

engulfedinflames June 23, 2010 at 5:33 pm

Box office gold

LindsayBluth June 23, 2010 at 6:59 pm

HAHAHA! Oh jebus. Once upon a time, I used to write “quotes” for people in press releases, so I have a special appreciation for the conscience-repressing fortitude it takes to come up with bullshittery such as this.

zhubajie June 24, 2010 at 9:52 am

So is this going to be a live sex show?

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