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Internatonal Jewish Conspiracy Hires Abramoff To Market Pizza

Sharp dressed menschJack Abramoff! Remember that guy? Corrupt lobbyist something something Congressman A something something Filipina sex slaves blah blah golf junkets yadda yadda yadda WHATEVER, you can Google this business yourself, what do we look like, your personal political scandal historians? We’re all about the future, not the past, and in the future, Jack Abramoff, who just got out of jail, will be selling pizza to the Jews.

Baltimore Sun columnist Dan Rodericks has this crusade he’s on for employers to hire more ex-felons, because literally everyone in Baltimore is a dangerous, violent criminal. One business owner who took this mission to heart is Ron Rosenbluth, who picked up a wayward Abramoff at the prison gates and put him to work at his Baltimore-area kosher pizzeria. In addition to a long history of scumbaggery and the undermining of democracy, Abramoff also owned a DC kosher restaurant, so he is good at marketing this stuff, apparently! (Though we doubt that pizza — even kosher pizza — requires much more marketing than “SHIT MAN IT IS PIZZA EAT IT WHEN YOU ARE HUNGRY IT IS TASTY AND CHEAP, AND THIS KIND DOESN’T VIOLATE ANY OF THE CONFUSING RULES IN LEVITICUS, PROBABLY.”)

Anyway, how did dangerous criminal Jack Abramoff get this fancy job?

“We’re all Jews, we’re all on the same team,” said Mr. Rosenbluth. “I’m more than happy to help a fellow Jew in any way I can.”

Wait, what, this networking among The Tribe thing actually works? DEAR HARVEY WEINSTEIN: Your Wonkette morning editor is of Hebraic extraction. Please “take one for the team” and provide him with a cushy movie job post haste. He is willing to commit a white collar crime, first! [Baltimore Jewish Times, photo via Indianz.com]

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger
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26 comments

  1. thefrontpage

    What if Jack Abramoff and Bernie Madoff were put in the same jail cell at the same prison!

    That would be fun.

  2. ManchuCandidate

    Him?

    From one tribe to another and the cycle of life continues. Let’s hope that Rosenbluth doesn’t regret it like the other tribes do.

  3. Katydid

    Oh, and brilliant shit like this won’t fuel any international Jew conspiracies, so it’s all good.

  4. JMP

    Now I suddenly feel like moving to Baltimore; getting bribes to order my pizza from a specific shop should help my finances.

  5. Jim89048

    Almost didn’t recognize him without the hat!

    yo Jack! Gimme a large pie, extra kosher sausage and cheese, dawg!

  6. Katydid

    O/T McChrystal’s left the WH, Obama’s going to speak at the White House after 11:35 meeting with Rahm and others. Fire his ass, Barry!

  7. AngryBlakGuy

    …somewhere, Anne Coulter is turning in her grave…wait, she isnt dead yet?! Shame!

  8. AngryBlakGuy

    …do you guys think that as a blakk man if I changed my last name to “Swartz” I would have a better chance at getting work? JEW CONSPIRACY + AFFIRMATIVE ACTION = WIN!!!

  9. McDuff

    “Fruhlinger” is a Tribal name? Just sounds German to me, but then I had a professor in college named Stein who was a German-American Lutheran minister. Come to think of it, however, Dr. Stein did have some suspicious Hollywood connections — that was his house the Columbian drug gang shot up in Chuck Norris movie “Code of Silence.”


  10. Post author
    Josh Fruhlinger

    [re=604675]McDuff[/re]: Most “Jewish” names are just German words, ya know (Goldberg = Gold Mountain, Stein = Stone), etc., because many of the Ashkenazim came from German-speaking Mittleuropa. I’m not sure if there’s anyone, Jew or goy, named “Fruhlinger” who wasn’t a descendent of my great-grandfather and his four brothers, who lived in Hungary before fleeing to various greener pastures (New York, Buenos Aires, and, uh, rural Western Pennsylvania, for some reason). But, yeah, they were Jewish. I’m guessing their father made the name up in the mid-1800s, when the Hapsburg Jews were emancipated and had to come up with gentile-style surnames (before that they just used patronymics).

  11. edgydrifter

    I’ve participated in a gen-u-ine seder AND I’ve played with a dreidel, so I want my taste of the action too. Will trade pork consumption for easy money.

  12. McDuff

    [re=604683]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: Snark/off: You’re exactly right — that’s why I’ve never understood how you could tell someone was Jewish just by their name, they all just sound German to me. But growing up German-American in a sea of German-Americans in N.W. Ohio, one does live a bit of a sheltered life.

    Snark/on: My Warncke, Gerkin, Roehrig, and Huber ancestors thank you for your reply, but the Irish-Catholic Ansberrys now don’t want anything to do with you. Good day, sir!

  13. Freedom McAwesomePants

    [re=604622]thefrontpage[/re]: It would be like the Odd Couple, except for the Aryan Brotherhood rape scenes.

  14. chaste everywhere

    I thought Jews only eat Chinese.

    [re=604646]MarieDeGournay[/re]: Oh, you know, that thing I say every time I Reply to you.

    Freedom McAwesomePants: So . . . “American History Odd”? “The X Couple”?

  15. Zorg

    “We’re all on the same team.” — That’s just what Yitzhak Rabin was going to say to Yigal Amir before… uhm… you know.

Comments are closed.