clown show

Liveblogging Barack Obama’s Televised Assault of Ex-Gen. McChrystal

Will the head be squeezed clean off???UPDATE: MCCHRYSTAL IS FIRED. PETRAEUS REPLACES HIM. If George Washington was still commander in chief, Stanley McChrystal would be swinging from the gallows today. But no, we’ve got Barack Obama, who has to have scheduled meetings with everybody, while John Adams seethes in the hallway. And any moment now, Obama will step out to tell the world the fate of America’s Biggest Asshole, Stanley McChrystal, who already left the White House after a half-hour meeting in which the two men discussed such matters as “WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU JESUS CHRIST ARE YOU BRAIN DAMAGED? DID A SHELL LAND ON YOUR REDNECK SKULL?”

10:44 AM — Oh wait, now the teevee says Benedict McChrystal maybe went to the Pentagon to … clean out his desk? Ask somebody what to do? Get his Metro pass?
10:44 AM — And this means the cable news channels have been pushing a FICTION about Obama shortly stepping out to say McChrystal will be injected with 1,000 grams of Karzai’s opium and dumped down a well shaft on the outskirts of Kandahar.
10:45 AM — What will Stanley do next? What nickname will he have on the new Fox News Ultimate Wrestling Channel? Stan the ‘Stan? McChychuchkstals? Bone-headed power-mad redneck shit-for-brains traitor?
10:46 AM — Also, could we leave Afghanistan now? Sure, sure, America is Finished, and within another generation there will be nothing but unemployed illiterate obese slobs waving signs at each other about “messikanz” — who all left the country in 2011 for China. But maybe we could drag out the inevitable for another decade or two, instead of just getting nuked by Pakistan or whatever, tomorrow.
10:47 AM — And if you actually read the Rolling Stone article, even though it’s “too long didn’t read,” you will recognize one of McNaschar’s only known achievements, which was shutting down the TGI Friday’s at the big base in Afghanistan. Why does he hate the troops so much? Here’s a rundown, from the late Jim Newell:

General Stanley McChrystal hates capitalism, period. He is so upset with American corporate chain-restaurant capitalism, specifically, and since that makes up the bulk of American capitalism, he is basically Muslim. And so he will shut down most of the American chain-stores on the Kandahar boardwalk, where soldiers go for jalapeno poppers and shrimp mcnuggets and cheesesteak hamburgers and so on.

10:52 AM — Oh the meeting between Barry and Stanley only lasted twenty minutes. So McChrystal can still catch the first matinee of Toy Story 3, which your editor saw last night with his small children, and it was “okay” especially compared to the awful, vulgar trailers for all the other shit “family movies” coming soon, but it is basically Abu Gharib for toys. Everything is about America’s collapse and decline.
10:54 AM — And you would only need to “bring your kleenex” if you planned to wank off during this children’s movie, in a theater full of little kids. This is what happened when Wonkette’s Josh Fruhlinger went to see Mulholland Drive in some trashy Oakland theater many years ago: Some creep was masturbating to the very brief lesbian scenes, right there in the theater. And then Josh was all, “Oh man I can’t take you anywhere.”
10:55 AM — Here’s a fun fact from the Rolling Stone article: Afghanistan is now the LONGEST WAR IN AMERICAN HISTORY. Longer than the Revolutionary War, longer than the Civil War, longer than Afghanistan. Also, have you noticed how all of our long wars are either against each other or pointlessly against some rice farmers in rural Southeast Asia or dirt farmers in rural Central Asia? Do you feel secure?
11:02 AM — Now the teevee says the meeting was 30 minutes long, again.
11:05 AM — But, uh, didn’t America start sending “military advisers” to Vietnam in 1950? You know, twenty-five years before we left in shame from a rooftop in Saigon, like rats with helicopters?
11:09 AM — And if Rolling Stone got *that* wrong, doesn’t this call the Whole Article into question? Did McChrystal actually say Obama was “my personal lord and savior,” and that he wished he could “bite a communion cracker in honor of my other god, St. Joe Biden”?
11:24 AM — We’re going to put this LIVEBLOGGING “on hold” until something happens, then we shall move it up to the top of the page, okay? OKAY? YOU FUCKING MAGGOTS OKAY???
1:19 PM — MSNBC says the Pentagon says McChrystal is FIRED FIRED FIRED.
1:20 PM — Obama’s about to come out and say this.
1:20 PM — Finally. Obama really listens to Wonkette’s Jack Stuef.
1:23 PM — General Patreus, damn will have to add him to spell check again, he is now the commander in Afghanistan. David Petraeus.
1:33 PM — Haha on MSNBC all these anchors — Andrea Mitchell, Chris Matthews, etc. — are talking openly about the end of America, broken political process, Gulf oil disaster, losing wars everywhere, can’t even keep military commanders in line, president can’t do anything.
1:34 PM — We’re finished.
1:35 PM — Stocks are all falling. The Dow Jones had a little positive move but it’s dropping to negative now. No, wait, the Dow’s back up 10 points now! So relax, relax. Everything is probably fine.
1:39 PM — And to answer all of your comments in this other Breaking News post, in the Fog of Breaking News War we don’t have any idea how Patraeus does this when he already runs CENTCOM, which is based in Florida, where our robots are controlled by Wii youths.
1:40 PM — He can do both, says some wingnut (?) from Heritage talking on Bloomberg.
1:41 PM — Jann Wenner must love this, putting the last nail in America’s coffin and then burying it in the wrong grave, at Arlington.
1:43 PM — “Today I accepted the resignation,” etc., Obama is out there, the Patraeus move is official, there’s Surge-y D right there, with Biden.
1:44 PM — Now Obama is doing the “I’ve got great admiration for McChrystal,” etc., always with the good manners and cool manner. WHY CAN’T YOU LEAD OBAMA?
1:45 PM — “The conduct … does not meet the standard that should be set by a commanding general … it erodes the trust.” Wenner is *crying* now, because Obama didn’t mention Rolling Stone by name.
1:46 PM — Jesus, Biden looks like he’s going to bite somebody’s head off.
1:47 PM — Obama’s standing up for civilian command of the military … is this … a coup? A civilian coup?! (Probably, according to Free Republic.)
1:47 PM — Obama is ready to fire anybody else who gets up in his grill.
1:48 PM — Okay, professor, thanks for explaining how the American government is supposed to work or whatever. Too bad it doesn’t!
1:49 PM — Bullshit, dude, you aren’t going to “break the Taliban’s momentum.” The “Taliban” is “people who live in Afghanistan.”
1:50 PM — And over almost a decade, we haven’t done a fucking thing in Afghanistan but open and close a TGI Friday’s and murder one of our NFL stars. And bomb a lot of babies and goats.
1:51 PM — Give up.
1:51 PM — Seriously give up, we lost. You don’t even want to have a war in Afghanistan. Go back to Ohio and give some more windmill speeches.
1:51 PM — And he ends by thanking Gen. McChrystal for his insubordination, his traitorous behavior, etc., thank you very much.

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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164 comments

  1. BeWoot

    If McChrystal showed up at the White House in his cammies again, Obama should make him participate in a live-fire exercise before he is made to stand in a hollow square and stripped of his rank. Branded!

  2. Doglessliberal

    When a jury comes back after 30 minhutes (or 20), that is a bad sign for the defendant. Was McChrystal carrying a bag with his Nutz (human, not Truck) in it when it left?

  3. AngryBlakGuy

    …they could always just deploy him to “ButtFukkIstan” on mutiple deployments with little to no rest, without the equipment or weapons required to do the job?!

  4. JMP

    McChrystal has been ordered to follow in the footsteps of that crazy wannabe Batman guy and personally try and and hunt down and capture Osama on his own.

  5. Monsieur Grumpe

    Let’s put the general in charge of that guy who went to Pakistan to kill Osama. We’ll call them the D-Team, an army of two. Hijinks will ensue.

  6. Oldskool

    …”I’d rather have my ass kicked by a roomful of people than go out to this dinner,” McChrystal says.”

    Now he can say he’s done both.

  7. One Yield Regular

    I take it that the remaining question to be answered today is whether McChrystal is now McCrystal Lite or McCrystal Zero?

  8. JMP

    [re=604684]Katydid[/re]: It was a “police action”. We technically haven’t had a war since WWII, since Congress has let Presidents get away with ignoring exactly who the Constitution says has the power to actually declare it.

  9. PsycGirl

    Obama may be checking to see if the firing squad team in Utah can be hastily reassembled.

  10. doxastic

    I don’t know about McCrystalite, but someone needs to send his staff to France to be slowly “fucking gayed” to death. Where’s your fried twinkie Xplosion now, mes amis?

  11. norbizness

    General? You can have my answer now, if you like. My final offer is this: nothing. Not even the fee for the train ticket back to Shitsville, which I would appreciate if you would put up personally.

  12. x111e7thst

    [re=604684]Katydid[/re]: In Vietnam people call it the American War but don’t actually talk about it all that much cause who cares it’s over they won. The Chinese War, which has been going on for well over 100 years but is currently on pause is considerably more interesting to the average Viet.

  13. Prommie

    [re=604687]Oldskool[/re]: Yes, thats a funny ha ha remark there that the general made. With diplomacy like this, he should be made secretary of state! “I hate the French faggots, I would rather eat a bucket of shit than meet with them.” Ha ha, the French must be so charmed by this flattery. Thats international dimplomacy, southern-style!

  14. FMA

    [re=604693]norbizness[/re]: Nah, more like Jules in Pulp Fiction.

    OBAMA: Do I look like a bitch?
    GEN: What?
    OBAMA: Do I look like a bitch?
    GEN: What?
    OBAMA: Say what one more time, motherfucker.
    GEN: What?
    Pops cap in his ass.
    OBAMA: I said do I look like a bitch?
    GEN: No.
    OBAMA: Then why are you trying to fuck me?

  15. tribbzthesquidz

    General, you’re fired. Leave your helmet and badge on my desk. Oh, that’s not a helmet.

  16. bakeneko

    Off to Fox teamed with Oliver North, as “Stan and Ollie”.

    Suggested show title: “Flying Douches”.

  17. Oldskool

    [re=604702]Prommie[/re]: He did a live news conference last year(?) and from the getgo he was trying to wisecrack which fell flat for whatever the occassion was, like he’s lived inside a bubble of asslickers for too long. Call it GeorgeWBush Syndrome.

  18. Carrabuda

    Maybe we should put him in charge of US/Mexico border control: thankless, pointless and high-profile without being glamorous. Go on, Mr. “Highly Intelligent Badass”; show us what you can do.

  19. LittlePig

    [re=604690]JMP[/re]: Not to mention that after that exceptionally sunny day in August 1945, you can’t spell ‘war’ without ‘nuclear weapons’.

  20. chascates

    All but one man died.
    There at Bitter Creek.
    And they say he ran away.

    Branded, scorned as the one who ran.
    What do you do when you’re branded, and you know you’re a man.

    Wherever you go, for the rest of your life
    You must prove, you’re a man.

  21. doxastic

    [re=604714]Carrabuda[/re]: I would love to hear “Team America” and “The Boss’s” (sadly, things nicknamed are vastly inferior to actual reference) razor-sharp observations regarding people of Hispanic origin. Because nothing says success like assholes parroting Carlos Mencia b-material, for larfs!

  22. dijetlo

    We should limit our war-making to nations in Latin America.
    1954 Guatemala, six guys in jeeps get on the radio and pretend to be a rebel army. Government resigns.
    1983, Grenada, it was like a weekend field exercise followed by ten days on the beach.
    1989, Panama, widely considered to be the finest of our recent Central American wars, 48 hours of hide and go seek and then all the cold beer and hot Latinas GI Joe could consume over a sixty day stretch. When the planes took off, the prostitutes lined the runways, weeping.
    Then we elected ‘W’ and everything went to hell.

  23. BarackMyWorld

    The Longest War was the Cold War, which Ronald Reagan won single-handedly with an unlimited defense budget and VHS copies of “Rambo III.”

  24. 2goats

    Suppose you was a big HOT DOGGY kinda General person, favoring camo-fatigues even when meeting with the President and inclined to dress all Rambo like in country.

    And suppose you made big ass deal about how YOU could win the war in the country where no one wins (it’s the law) if only you had enough troops. Yeah, you could win it in like a year.

    And suppose the sneaky, darky President eucred you by being all “okay, you got them. Finish it up in 18 months.”

    And suppose then you noticed your plan wasn’t working so good. You sent a bunch of Marines to some place called Majong (or like that) and they did good fighting the bad guys, but then the civilians couldn’t hardly hold on, and more bad guys kept coming back. And the friendlies were more interested in stealing what they could before it all went to shit.

    And it looked like you were headed to be just another big loser in that truly god forsaken country.

    About then, maybe would it start to look like a good idea to get yourself fired for being too frank and candid, not political enough? Because that is a better basis for your memoir than being a loser?

    Makes sense to me, does it to you?

  25. JMP

    [re=604771]BarackMyWorld[/re]: Ah yes, the classic Rambo III, in which Stallone goes over to Afghanistan to go help teach the heroic mujaheddin to fight; that worked out well for us.

  26. Gorillionaire

    Barry should have opened the door to his office and said, “hey jackass, let me introduce you to Pat Tillman’s family who are here for our meeting today.”

  27. freerangemink

    [re=604771]BarackMyWorld[/re]: Wasn’t Rambo III was where we helped the Freedom Fighters in Afghanistan? I wonder how all that eventually turned out.

  28. Carrabuda

    [re=604740]doxastic[/re]: Mexicans kill people like this, but Taliban kill people like that, amirite?

    Hope Marja prepared him for Ciudad Juarez…

  29. imissopus

    [re=604778]Gorillionaire[/re]: Or failing that, taken him to the White House Screening Room to watch the documentary about Pat Tillman that’s coming out soon.

    Hey Ken, wait until next summer when your small children demand you take them to see the Smurfs movie. Ye gods.

  30. Vulpes82

    “Everything is about America’s collapse and decline.” Someone’s certainly chipper this morning!

  31. Ducksworthy

    [re=604775]2goats[/re]: Yes it does. And getting fired by the darkie is an excellent credential if you wanted to run for something on the Teabagger Ticket.

  32. doxastic

    [re=604775]2goats[/re]: He dreams of the day they make a movie about his life, starring the reanimated corpse of George C. Scott.

  33. Pandy

    [re=604775]2goats[/re]: It does to me. CYA in the USA. By the way, we are in the second round of the World Cup. Hooray!

  34. DustBowlBlues

    Well, damn, I just got here (USA! USA! Yay Landon!) and it’s on hold. This is the most deliberate president ever, so this bitch is going to be on hold for weeks.

    McArnold was probably in a band when he was in high school. And like all teenaged boys in crap bands, he’s always dreamed of being on the cover of “The Rolling Stone.” This was his chance and he took it. So get off his ass, okay?

  35. Geogre

    You must be watching cable news.

    This is a mistake, unless you enjoy watching parking lots, facades, and reporters looking desperate as they say inanities about vacuities to cover their incapacities.

    I do not mean to disparage the liveblog thing, but the 24 hour news has this bad habit of creating the idea that events can be analyzed even before they occur and that occurring is too long to wait, while “happening now” is on a schedule. Cue the helicopters swirling over Woodlawn cemetery, where Michael Jackson’s brain might have gone.

    C-SPAN: It’s socialist, but it doesn’t lie as much.

  36. snideinplainsight

    Ooh-eee-ooh! Little Richie Cohen wrote an opinion for the paper of record of the federal government, in which he opinionates about fighting in Afghanistan, which he wrote from his daybed in the Florida room, while wearing his jammies and drinking a virgin mint julip through a wacky straw. “Come on, ya big apes! Do ya wanna live forever?” (Actually, he didn’t write that last bit.)

  37. Doglessliberal

    [re=604673]Doglessliberal[/re]: to answer my question, yes. Quick jury/quick meeting, bye bye balls.

  38. Doglessliberal

    [re=604817]Ducksworthy[/re]: [re=604775]2goats[/re]: Wow, you both have devious minds! But are 100% CORRECT.

    Next up, McCrystal’s book tour.

  39. snideinplainsight

    Maybe they could get that guy from Starship Troopers – the one who’s all wheelchairy when he’s a schoolteacher but like a total cyborg when he’s fighting bugs (which is exactly what we’re doing our basement bathroom this week, just without the lasers and stuff.)

  40. Slattenpat

    I heard that General Stanley begged to be fired so he wouldn’t be compared to notorious quitter Sarah Palin. He’ll still take the bookings on Fox, though, because they promised to call him a hero and give him some special Fox News medals and ribbons, for doing something that annoyed Obama.

  41. lochnessmonster

    I’m glad Wonkette is watching the teeve so I don’t have to. I can’t take the talking heads without having to have a drink…a margarita would help but it’s too early in the day for me. (Ah to be 20 again and drinking my lunch.)

  42. DustBowlBlues

    They say he even dissed the NATO allies, like the french, in the article. True, everyone does it but when we want money and troops, pretty stupid.

    [re=604888]TGY[/re]: If making fun of Biden is such a BFD, then John Stewart and his writers must be quaking in fear.

    Seriously, Biden wants to get out of there and the generals want to stay. Just “a few thousand more troops” when they admit to themselves that it can’t be won. This is fucking Viet Nam with generals who have all the wisdom of those in WWI.

    Get out of that godforsaken shithole and wait for them to, miraculously, drag themselves out of the middle ages. We cannot do it for them. Serious part done. (USA!USA!USA! Yay Landon)

  43. coolcatdaddy

    Anyone want to take bets on the number of agents lining up outside the General’s doors to help him get a book deal and tv appearances?

  44. Nerdalicious

    I think that remark about Hopey not getting to know McCrystal & being intimitated by Military Brass was the one that did it.

  45. Nerdalicious

    McCrystal on Fox tonight with that crooked mouthed drooling guy sneering, what’s that guys name again?

  46. druranium

    I really wished he’d answered that question yelled out at the end.

    (Mr. President, can this war be won?)

  47. Greg Comlish

    If only Sarah Palin would weigh in on this vital issue of national importance …

  48. DustBowlBlues

    [re=604921]coolcatdaddy[/re]: Not to mention the Teabagger groups who want him to run for office. I think they better get a ghostwriter to finish that bitch in a week and have it out in two weeks. If the wonkeratti who mentioned there was a coming doc about Pat Tillman is correct, they need to get McArnold’s side of the story first. I have a feeling it isn’t going to make him look good.

  49. DustBowlBlues

    I’m having second thoughts about this. Leiberwhine thinks it’s a brilliant move.

  50. norbizness

    [re=604925]druranium[/re]: Hey, we’ve only been there about 2.5 times longer than it took us to resolve both theaters in World War II. And we only have a 14 zillion dollar annual Pentagon budget, and wedding-bombing drones are running around the clock. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?

  51. El Pinche

    So when does his FoxNews contributor gig start ?
    As a collosal failure , he qualifies right?

    [re=604927]Greg Comlish[/re]: Politico’s Palin Twat Alert team is on it and monitoring.

  52. chascates

    [re=604932]DustBowlBlues[/re]: Did he consult with McCain or Graham on that? Those Three Stooges issued a joint statement yesterday saying McChrystal was a bad boy but the decision about him was up to Obama. Very generous of them.

  53. Texan Bulldoggette

    I know Petraeus is every Republican’s wet dream, but I have to question a dude (a military dude no less) who colors his hair. WTH is up with that?

  54. DustBowlBlues

    After they knew we’d lost (a war that didn’t make sense in the first place) McNamara kept telling Johnson “a few thousand more troops” and then Nixon and his war criminal pal Kissinger kept sending men to die themselves as they killed babies and destroy the fragile govt of Cambodia while paving the way for Pol Pots killing fields–all this shit happend AFTER they knew we’d lost.

    Sorry, but this is sounding a lot like Viet Nam to me.

    And is it just me, or does it sound hilarious for people to keep referring to “the article in The Rolling Stone” as bringing down a general? Does anyone know if Matt Taibbi’t head has exploded over the face he is no longer the most powerful writer at a magazine founded to cover rock and roll?

  55. steverino247

    Well, it seems the surest way to lose your place atop the list of Active Empires is to engage yourself in wars on the other side of the planet while borrowing shitloads of money to finance it. It doesn’t have to be in Afghanistan, but that’s the easy way to do it.

    The problem with Afghanistan is the refit/sanctuary zones are mostly in Pakistan’s Tribal Areas (see Drone, Predator), but are we going to actually follow the Taliban to where their ISI operators live and kill them all? Fuck no. This is why we’re not going to win. That, and the unbelievably corrupt Karzai Administration, of course. I’m not looking forward to seeing the photo of our guys fleeing Kabul by helicopter, but seeing Karzai’s head on a pike after bitching about us? Priceless.

  56. jus_wonderin

    Wow. I think they call that bawls. I am proud of him. Obama, not the General.

    What does Sarah think of this?

  57. Prommie

    Anyone remember this country that doesn’t exist any more, called the USSR? Damn biggest country in the world, a superpower, but it doesn’t exist anymore, went belly-up all of a sudden. Had something to do with losing a war in Afghanistan.

  58. pdiddycornchips

    Hey, about this Afghanistan business. Has anyone ever considered removing our troops and bombing the place until everyone there is dead? Just a thought.

  59. DustBowlBlues

    My meme on the Republics and the fucking war is that anything worth sending American men and women to possibly die for is worth paying for. If they want a war, they have to fucking pay for the war. And if Walnuts thinks closing down the funding on a folk museum in the Black Hills, or whatever the fuck they consider pork, is going to pay for this bitch, then get that idiot to a calculator.

    They need to show schedule a vote on free abortions for everyone (but illegals, of course–nothing free for those freeloading lawbreakers) and lock the doors so they have to at least watch “In the Loop.” Tony Soprano’s explanation of how many troops it takes to win a war is more than these idiots know.

  60. Rush

    We got the Taliban right where we want them. What a brilliant ploy to make them think we have doubts about our military superiority, drones and commitment to this war. Until this little catfight happened, NO ONE CARED anymore about Afghanistan!!!

  61. chascates

    From RedState:
    While the narrative might veer toward suggesting this is MacArthur-esque, the MacArthur here (the pompous, overconfident, know-it-all that won’t listen to his closest advisors) is Commander-In-Chief Barack “I have no clue what I’m doing but I’ll be damned if I’ll allow myself to be criticized by underlings” Obama.

  62. Nerdalicious

    [re=604941]El Pinche[/re]:
    “Nerdalicious: Trig’s on FoxNews now? FUckin A yeah!”
    True story…I switched to Fox looking for Bristol & Trig. Just some blonde botoxed bimbo. Ya got me Pinche :). (Good one)
    Or Dick Morris.

  63. tribbzthesquidz

    [re=604927]Greg Comlish[/re]: Yes, we all await the Bible Spice to weigh in on this. I won’t know what to think about it until then.

  64. DustBowlBlues

    G**dammit–Lady Gaga is on the cover? McArnold prostitutes himself in front of the entire planet, just to be on the cover of the Rolling Stone and he loses to Lady Gaga? That poor bastard better sign that book contract and cash his check quickly, just to prop up his morale. (Being a wonkeratti, note that I was careful to slip the ly on the end of the adverb, lest someone jump my semi-literate ass).

  65. you didn't ask, but

    [re=604710]bakeneko[/re]: That shit was cute.

    Maybe I’m just being a cock-eyed optimist (or justifying being cock-eyed generally) but I sure hope Hopey’s cleaning house. There’s been lots of rumors of people leaving this week (Rahm, Orzag, now this damn Stan) I wonder if the politically vague and insurgents are somehow being pushed out. Could put a fresh start on things in time for mid-term and after.

    Dovetails with McCrystal’s selfish interests as you wonkettes have so eloquently outlined along this thread, so it might “kinda” be short term win for AssholeCrystal and long-term win for the Hopey-Changey WH wing.

    Or, I could be talking out of my ass as usual. (Win-win for moi…)

  66. Prommie

    [re=604924]Nerdalicious[/re]: Greta Van Susteren, is that the crooked-mouthed sneering drooling guy you mean?

  67. Prommie

    [re=604953]tribbzthesquidz[/re]: She was the Commander in Chief of the Alaska National Guard, after all.

  68. JMP

    [re=604949]Rush[/re]: It’s more that until this catfight, no one seemed to remember Afghanistan anymore.

  69. DustBowlBlues

    [re=604942]steverino247[/re]: You and I appear to be thinking along the same lines. I keep asking who will be Francis Coppola and whether the movie will be so hard to make that it will eventually generate a documentary about itself?

  70. Snarkalicious

    Genghis Khan: Fuck me, look at this place. What did you say our other option was again?

    Mario Khan: North along the Caspian Sea into the teeth of the Russian winter.

    GK: Yeah. Let’s go with that one.

    This history lesson brought to you by the largest empire in the history of mankind.

  71. x111e7thst

    McWhiney’s favorite beer is Bud Light Lime, and his favorite movie is Talladega Nights. Firing is too good for him. These are death penalty offenses.

  72. DustBowlBlues

    Does anyone know if Hopey first met this morning with Sen. Smalley, to get his “You’re tough enough, you’re strong enough, and gosh darn it, people like you” pep talk?

  73. chascates

    From Limpball’s show today:


    You can also say, “Who works harder?” McChrystal runs seven to eight miles a day, eats one meal, and sleeps four hours a night. Compare that to Obama. Playing golf, watching baseball, playing golf, going bowling, shooting hoops, playing golf, walking the beach looking for tarballs.

    Now, the State-Controlled Media is just out of control. Remember, now, if Bush was presiden tMcChrystal would be a hero, a whistle-blower.

    Okay. I wonder: How many of you think Obama’s going to get rid of McChrystal? The conventional wisdom is that McChrystal’s gone. He’s going to go in there and he’s going to explain himself and Obama’s going to say, “You’re gone, buddy.” But I wonder. I wonder if The One actually will fire McChrystal. ‘Cause there’s some negative downside if he does that, not to mention blowing up the whole Afghanistan policy. But he might also be creating a Republican presidential candidate in the process.

  74. Nerdalicious

    [re=604956]Prommie[/re]:
    “Greta Van Susteren, is that the crooked-mouthed sneering drooling guy you mean?”
    I’m being bombarded by spectacular wit! Thank you!
    We are all crooked-mouthed drooling sneering guys today. Hang head in prayer.
    Hey Prommie I really liked what you said yesterday & the other day about the other Rolling Stone article about Hopey & Salazar. Is Rolling Stone getting out of the music business? What up wit that? Robert Klein did a hilarious bit on buying a new flat screen TV & Greta was on & he called Mumbai Tech Support in India because he thought his TV was broke & the guy in Mumbai said “Oh we always get these Tech calls when Greta Van Sustern is on”! Funny bit.

  75. norbizness

    P.S. Stop quoting, linking, or ridiculing RedState. They are beyond it, and I can feel my brain committing slow suicide out of empathy.

  76. chascates

    [re=604970]norbizness[/re]: OK, but the same statements are everywhere else. It’s as if one duck quacks and every other duck on the planet starts quacking. If the Sun does flip out and does an EMP number on all our electronic communication it might be nice for a while.

  77. El Pinche

    [re=604710]bakeneko[/re]: I say the show to intro with the Benny Hill theme or a wet fart in a loop.

  78. norbizness

    [re=604975]chascates[/re]: Sorry I snapped at your comment specifically, but in fairness we’re not cryptographers or codebreakers here. I’m sick of fucking dumbshit reactionary assholes getting free traffic from sites like this for the express purposes that we’re propping them up to get ridiculed on some other day bereft of actual news. I mean, are we all paying money to see Uwe Boll or Adam Sandler movies when we’re not on the website? Plunking down 20 bones for the latest (I don’t know any pop stars so insert your own here) album because we love how much they suck?

  79. pdiddycornchips

    [re=604963]Snarkalicious[/re]:

    Actually, Ghengis Khan did successfully invade and conquer Afghanistan. It was cruel and it was bloody but he did it.

  80. weejee

    Not sure about the comparing Viet Nam with Afghanistan. Two week after I arrived, there was this little thing called the Tet Offensive, and trust me on this, it was quite offensive. In the two months of Tet we lost almost 5,000 soldiers (including MIA), the ARVN lost almost 6,000, and the NVA/Charlie lost about 17,000. Not meaning any disrespect for our current warriors, dead is fucking dead and wounded is fucking wounded then or now, but in Afghanistan it took 12 years to reach 1,000, while in Tet we saw five times that many in 8 weeks.

    The only way we can ramp-up to that kinda level in Afghanistan is with a draft. The chances of Congress bringing the draft back are about at par with Congress banning personally-owned vehicles to reduce our need for oil.

  81. WIDTAP

    [re=604918]DustBowlBlues[/re]: Jon Stewart doesn’t have to work with Biden. It’s like the diffrence between having your own kids and just having your nieces and nephews over for playtime. When you have to have a 24×7 relationship you can’t beat the shit out of them, even though you want to. When Jon has the Vice President over for an interview, he can just send Biden home when he misbehaves.

  82. The Silver Fox

    all of this is ‘too long, didn’t read.’

    plain and simple. is obamar a failure or not??

  83. Hooray For Anything

    [re=604991]pdiddycornchips[/re]: I’m sure if we hired Genghis Khan to take over Afghanistan and proceeded to do all sorts of things Genghis Khan was known for, he’d be cheered on by the Neo-Cons and WaPo editorial pages.

  84. DangerousLiberal

    Love the painting of Lincoln looking at Obama all presidentin’ and shit. He’s sending mind beams to Barry: “I should have fired that asshole McClellan a year before I did, so can McChrystal now, dude.” Truman is applauding in his grave, while, at Faux news, they’re using extra-tough squeegies to wipe off the teleprompter/chimp prompters. I hear a draft McChrystal movement has started, where he will call Obama the “original Gorilla,” also.

    Meanwhile, a bunch of retired colonels are petition to rename their favorite place to McChrystal City,” a safe place to bitch about civilians, also.

  85. tribbzthesquidz

    [re=604957]Prommie[/re]: Barracuda knows her shit. I sit at her FB page hitting the refresh button awaiting further instructionz. In between fappings of course.

  86. chascates

    [re=605026]Doglessliberal[/re]: Eats one meal a day, only sleeps 4 hours. No wonder he’s snappy and anorexic-looking. If he acted like a REAL general and ate lots of fatty food, smoked good cigars, and drank a lot he’d probably be in a better frame of mind. He might still not be the man for the job but I’d feel better about him.

  87. Vulpes82

    [re=604991]pdiddycornchips[/re]: Ironically, though, Genghis Khan? REALLY, REALLY good at nation-building! (After he chopped off your face and added it to his face pyramid.)

  88. TGY

    [re=604775]2goats[/re]: No, that smacks of rational strategy. If he were good at strategy, we’d be doing better in Afghanistan, hence this debacle is a result of stupidity.

  89. Doglessliberal

    [re=605037]TGY[/re]: except there is no strategy that will work there. People have been trying to invade and win Afghanistan for a long time and everyone gets their ass kicked.

  90. BlueStateLiberal

    [re=604967]chascates[/re]: Thanks for my daily Limpball vomit. But what is with the fixation on JOGGING? I don’t care how many miles a day McChrystal or Palin jogs. Ever since Dubya’s obsessive-compulsive exercising to keep his mind off the booze, they seem to think it’s an important requirement.

  91. Hooray For Anything

    [re=605032]chascates[/re]: Considering all the attention paid about Obama’s golfing outings and occasional White House function, I’m surprised they’re not criticizing Petreus/McChyrstal for taking four hours off.

  92. the problem child

    [re=605034]Vulpes82[/re]: That’s because he made sure that all children born in the wake of his invasion were his.

  93. TGY

    [re=605039]Doglessliberal[/re]: Maybe it’s just that nobody has tried kindness and a good back rub.

  94. GOPCrusher

    [re=604947]pdiddycornchips[/re]: Agreed. I say we blast off and nuke the site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

  95. JMP

    [re=605044]Hooray For Anything[/re]: When a Republican (or military official suspected to be one) exercises or plays sports (or moves brush around), it proves they’re tough and manly and care about keeping in shape; when a Democrat does so, it’s a waste of time and shows they don’t take their job seriously.

  96. steverino247

    [re=605039]Doglessliberal[/re]: The only way to “win” in Afghanistan is to be meaner than Genghis Khan, which one does not do these days, or to eliminate their secret allies (Russia, US, Pakistan, China, whatever) and chase the fuckers into to their holes and seal them off with explosives. What happens is people get there, realize how bleak the place is, this fatigue sets in and then you top it off with the realization that you’re really in some proxy war with another power that snookered you into invading the place.

    What really pisses me off about Afghanistan is we knew what assholes the locals were when we helped them fight the Soviets. Nothing has changed, except their targets.

  97. JesusButter

    What? Layne has small childrens? What did he do with them when he went on his walkabout?

  98. Accordion-o-rama

    [re=604710]bakeneko[/re]: The General does call to mind a whimpering Stan Laurel in that photo.

  99. lawrenceofthedesert

    [re=604997]weejee[/re]: The DoD would love another Nam, but it simply isn’t affordable with an all-volunteer Army, as you point out. When I asked one of my senior commanders why the military was so enthusiastic about Viet Nam, he responded — with a completely straight face — that “it’s necessary for career advancement.” Tough to get rank without a nice little war creating job openings! Of course, if they keep letting robots do more and more of the actual combat, rank will get to be next to impossible, and the generals and admirals will be sad (but not as sad as the colonels, lieutenant commanders and majors). We want the Pentagon to realize the political insanity of the Afghan war, but they’re bureaucrats and that’s not their job. There’s nothing in peace for any of the DoD or State Dept. bureaucrats; Interior, Education, and HUD root for peace. Obama’s response to Sniveling Stanley was mild; a court martial and reduction in rank might have gotten more bureaucrats’ attention. Of course, after what they let Cheney get away with, Stanley’s sins are barely worth a couple Hail Mary’s.

  100. Snarkalicious

    [re=604991]pdiddycornchips[/re]: Ehh…he took out (in the aforementioned horribly brutal fashion)the northern and western border regions on his way to crush the piss out of the main forces of the Khwarezmid Empire. Saying he conquered Afghanistan is like claiming to have conquered Los Angeles by razing Rancho Cucamonga through to Burbank before veering off to ride on Sacramento. To my understanding (and, let’s be honest…eh…public school) the more rugged regions of that territory were later considered part of the Empire, but only really in the way they are currently considered part of Karzai’s patch.

  101. zhubajie

    Ike was famous for his ass-chewing abilities. Would M. have dared dis Ike? Or even Jimmy Carter (career sailor!)

    Zhu Bajie

  102. carlgt1

    the funny thing in all of this is that Rolling Stone is the top hard-hitting journalism outlet with the history-changing stories! I bet Matt Taibbi is pissed they ignored all of his (more important) stories about Goldman Sachs et al.

  103. smellyal8r

    Errr…ahhh…well…Petraeus trained McIdiot and advised him on getting a PR firm, making nicey-nice with the media and all that (let us not forget the mournful “Betray-us” campaign that I still think was financed by the RNC a couple years ago). In this entire “news” event, it’s good to see a couple of things:

    –Rolling Stone is still relevant. HST must be loving this
    –We do still have civilian control of our military. Some West Point a-hole gets to far ahead of himself and gets canned. Good. (And canned hard…not even the military or SecDef stood in the way). Fancy pants generals have always been sacked when they think they are smarter than the boss. McClellan, Patton, MacArthur.
    –Barry should have left him cooling his heels in the hallway while he had that Nat’l Security meeting, then gone to lunch, then come back. “You still here Stan? You’re fired.”
    –Barry’s gotta get us out of Afghanistan (and Iraq). The economy can’t take much more of this.

  104. Bearbloke

    [re=605096]JesusButter[/re]: He de-inflated them and put them back in their boxes…

  105. Malketeer

    @norbizness

    The problem with Redstate et al. is that you know exactly what their position is on this or any issue without going there. In teh enginerding school, we would say the message has “zero information content” (in the Shannon sense).

    (Excepting of course my trim minions. My malketeers are all special little snowflakes (yes you are!) and I love each and every one of you. Just keep the pages hits comming, clicktards).

    Smooches,
    Shells

  106. zhubajie

    pdiddycornchips “Snarkalicious: Actually, Ghengis Khan did successfully invade and conquer Afghanistan. It was cruel and it was bloody but he did it.”

    Most ancient conquerors concentrated on lowland areas and left highlands alone, or recruited specialist mountain troops there (like Isauria within the Roman Empire). Nor did they try to control individuals the way modern governments do. Neither Alexander nor Ghengis Khan bothered with women’s fashions. Finally, Ghengis Khan had concrete goals (sex, mostly). What are our goals in Afghanistan? We could buy their minerals easier than steal them. They’ve been mining and exporting minerals for a long time.

  107. zhubajie

    “we left in shame from a rooftop in Saigon, like rats with helicopters?”

    Those helos crashed-landed on aircraft carriers a few hundred miles away. That’s not an option in Afghanistan. Either we can negotiate an unopposed withdrawal, like the Soviets did, or we can be REALLY trapped, like various British armies in the 19th century. (Mayne Petraeus can be the lone survivor, staggering into Peshawar!)

  108. zhubajie

    [re=604815]Vulpes82[/re]: Italians don’t live any worse for not having a Roman Empire any more. Greeks still enjoy life without dying in the Hindu Kush. Even Mongols are enjoying life at home, these days.

  109. zhubajie

    [re=604817]Ducksworthy[/re]: Petraeus/McChrystal vs. Palin/Fuckabee; which are more likely to be the Rep(tilian) candidates?

    Zhu Bajie

  110. zhubajie

    Young Vietnamese students flock to Chinese universities to study Chinese language. The border dispute has been settled (also with Russia). Probably VN will take over cheap shoe making while Guang Dong and Fu Jian will go into higher value manufacturing.

    America will keep on trying to re-fight the TV version of WW II, but with ever smaller opponents to lose to.

  111. zhubajie

    [re=604857]Geogre[/re]: Get rid of the TV set. Attend pro-wrestling events live, drink gin from the bottle, but get the TV out of your life.

  112. zhubajie

    “Get out of that godforsaken shithole and wait for them to, miraculously, drag themselves out of the middle ages.”

    In the Middle Ages, Afghanistan was a great center for science, literature, art and architecture. Seriously, read up on al-Biruni or Firdausi, or their patron, Mahmud of Ghazni.

    Actually, Medieval Europe was considerably more enlightened than the USA c. 2010. Who’s our Aquinas? George Bush? Sarah Palin?

  113. zhubajie

    “Doglessliberal: Eats one meal a day, only sleeps 4 hours.”

    So let him retire to a monastery and do penance for all the people he’s killed unjustly. He can thank G-d that the autokrator of Byzantine America hasn’t put out his eyes and cut off his hand.

  114. zhubajie

    [re=604942]steverino247[/re]: A war with Pakistan might well be worse than a war with just Afghanistan. Any, the real problem is that the US is ruled by rival cabals of ignorant sociopaths and Aspies. There has been no good reason for any of the wars the US has been involved in since 1945, yet we’ve had a new war or conflict or something nearly every year in that time. The idea that we can re-make other countries when we can’t re-make ourselves is remarkably stupid, too.

  115. zhubajie

    [re=604946]Prommie[/re]: Yep! Spending more than it earned and squandering that money on military gadgets, too!

  116. zhubajie

    [re=604947]pdiddycornchips[/re]: Why not just leave them alone? Or recruit them into something like the Foreign Legion or the Brigade of Ghurkas?

  117. zhubajie

    [re=604985]norbizness[/re]: Oh, let the reactionaries alone. I can keep tabs on them that way without logging into their wretched sites. (Keeping tabs on your enemies is wise, you know. We libs are next on their to-kill lists).

  118. zhubajie

    [re=604997]weejee[/re]: Afghanistan is not VN in terms of manpower or casualties, but compare the expenses, and it’s plenty big. Both were about vanity.

  119. zhubajie

    [re=605049]the problem child[/re]: Probably the big secret that Wikileaks has and which frightens the P. so much is that 1) Petraeus has a 2″ dick and 2) he dips it into 12 year old dancing boys at bashi bachi parties with his warlord pals. McChrystal, too.

  120. AKAM80TheWolf

    [re=605332]zhubajie[/re]:

    You win the award for the most consecutive Sino-Snark posts.

  121. zhubajie

    steverino247 — “Doglessliberal: The only way to “win” in Afghanistan is to”

    avoid fighting in the first place. Cf. Sunzi.

    “What really pisses me off about Afghanistan is we knew what assholes the locals were when we helped them fight the Soviets.”

    The real ass-holes are the psychopaths and retards who mis-rule the USA (and the conservatards who love them).

  122. zhubajie

    [re=605160]Snarkalicious[/re]: Ancient conquerors concentrated on lowlands, where the people and profits were and left the highlands alone, or hired the highlanders. Braudel explains it all in _The Mediterranean in the Time of Philip II_.

  123. funkyj

    I wish somebody would leak the Republican strategy memo that showed how they were going to criticize Hopey if he kept McChristmas on. It would probably be something like “Hopey didn’t have the guts to fire McChristmas even after saying that Hopey had big ears”.

  124. zhubajie

    [re=605351]AKAM80TheWolf[/re]: Well, it’s not as if I get to influence the US in any other way.

  125. chascates

    [re=605363]funkyj[/re]: McChrystal shouldn’t be throwing stones. His ears are pretty prominent but his face has that gaunt, unhappy look of someone who was probably picked on as a child and was determined to bully everyone else he ever came across.

  126. Beanball

    “It is part of the general pattern of misguided policy that our country is now geared to an arms economy which was bred in an artificially induced psychosis of war hysteria and nurtured upon an incessant propaganda of fear.” – General Douglas MacArthur

  127. Snarkalicious

    [re=605362]zhubajie[/re]: Oh, I can explain the policy in many fewer words that that stuffy old prick: “Not Idiots”

  128. RedNo.4

    zhubajie: It works about as well as being surprised that the person you married isn’t the person you thought they were, and making it your job to fix ‘em. That’s still popular, also.

  129. AxmxZ

    McChrystal needs to eat more than one meal a day and get two more hours a night of sleep. All that bitchiness is just the consequence of low blood sugar and chronic sleep deprivation.

  130. Ryano

    I wonder if Obama was being just as “traitorous” as the moronic Wonkette states when he was a lowly Senator and knocking around General Petreus for his brief on Iraq. Or when Senator Obama said that all of our military boys (and gals) overseas were doing little more than “airaiding villages and murdering civilians.”

    If McChrystal should really be hanged like this craptastic article alludes to, then Obama should have been hung for his traitorous, treasonous statements in 2007.

  131. foursqareglasses

    I wonder if Obama was being just as “traitorous” when he was a lowly Senator knocking around General Petreus — If McChrystal should really be hanged like this craptastic article alludes to, then Obama should have been hung for his traitorous, treasonous statements in 2007.

    See!??! Actual conservative dorkatollas just dont underStan’ that gun guys _only_ say “yes ma’am” (unless the elected chief commandork of the armymenforces doesn’t have a uterus, then it’s “yessir yessir”), and not the other way round. When will the concept of democracy filter into the heads of morans?

  132. MsQuasimodo

    [re=605329]zhubajie[/re]: Best summation of our fucked up foreign “policy” I’ve read so far. Who says a libr’l arts edumacation is a waste? Kudos to you, good sir, for sharing your brilliant insights.

Comments are closed.