now if they could just emancipate rand paul

South Carolina GOP Expected To Make History Tonight By Somehow Nominating Minorities, Woman

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SAY WHAT? Wasn't that guy almost just elected our first Dixiecrat president five minutes ago?What a wacky, wacky twist. “Wait a second, you’re telling me South Carolina’s going to nominate a black instead of the son of the guy who liked to segregate said minority but secretly made babies with his family’s 16-year-old maid who was of that race?” YES, YES, WHAT HAS BECOME OF SOUTH CAROLINA? State legislator Tim Scott is the SC-1 candidate who has captured their hearts, yet he is a black guy? What a very, very quick and amusing twist that only took decades to happen. Of course, it took Scott being a Teabagger extremist and making Paul Thurmond look like a librul sissy in comparison to blind people to the fact that he is black. But then you have to consider that Nikki Haley is also expected to win her nomination for governor, and she is also a minority and a WOMAN, so what is going on?

National Republicans have invested heavily in promoting a diverse slate of candidates for House races this year. Michael S. Steele, chairman of the Republican National Committee, notes in speeches that the party recruited 32 African Americans for public office, more than ever.

THIRTY-TWO? THIRTY-TWO? That is like 32 times the number of Michael Steeles the Republican party currently has! That number of candidates could play three basketball games simultaneously and STILL have two subs!

Scott is the only one expected to win, but Republicans have not had a black member in the House since J.C. Watts left in 2003, so they are super excited to go from “remember that token guy?” to “look! token guy!”

YES, it is sad that a Thurmond has to be defeated for this to happen. But the GOP’s here to rap / it’s a rappin’ ’bout diversity / it’s putting minorities on the map / finishing Dr. King’s battle against adversity.

Certainly this will go according to plan in South Carolina tonight. Certainly the polls will be right, and there will be no iota of bias against either of these minority candidates. Certainly, as this is South Carolina. [Washington Post]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  • ph7

    Doesn’t recruiting Alvin Greene make it 33?

  • chascates

    To hell with Orlando and its attractions! South Carolina is America’s largest theme park.

  • GOPCrusher

    Isn’t Paul Thurmond like the last living veteran of the Civil War?

  • SayItWithWookies

    This is what The LORD does to states whose governor can’t stay faithful to his wife — and can’t even cheat on her with a God-fearing American. And if South Carolina persists in its wicked ways, the next plague is literacy.

  • Tommmcatt

    It’s opposite day!

  • JMP

    Nikki Haley’s proven that a light-skinned minority who changes her name and religion to pass as a white Christian can actually win a Republican nomination in the South; as well as proving that women can also cheat on their husbands and still win elections. What a victory for tolerance!

  • Radiotherapy

    [re=604285]Tommmcatt[/re]: Word, squidword.

  • MOG

    OMG, this is so confusing. So the Dems are just going to have to go with white guys then?

  • rocktonsammy

    Welcome to South Carolina.

    We finally embrace diversity and suck its dick.

  • chascates

    [re=604291]MOG[/re]: In the 1960 Presidental election my Protestant, Democratic uncle found that he just couldn’t vote for a Catholic and he surely couldn’t vote for a Republican. So he took to bed sick for a couple of days.

  • magic titty

    “In a strange twist, Elena Kagan could be first queer on Supreme Court”

  • GOPCrusher

    [re=604296]magic titty[/re]: She has been seen playing softball, a sure sign of lesbianism.

  • momus

    Is SC finally ready to join the late nineteenth century?

  • Suds McKenzie

    Nikki Haley makes Padma Lakshmi look like Rekha Sharma.

  • One Yield Regular

    [re=604296]magic titty[/re]: Ha. I dream of Kagan being sworn in and then, immediately afterward, in front of all assembled, pulling a Cary Grant from the final 15 seconds of this clip:

  • Advocatus_Diaboli

    a Black republican? Next Wonkette’s going to tell there are closeted gay republicans.

  • Hooray For Anything

    Who said Tim Scott isn’t Strom Thurmond’s son too?

  • Monsieur Grumpe

    A female black Republican teabagger is something that just doesn’t exist in nature. The only explantion is that she’s must be an alien.

  • Airborne Toxic Event

    Bradley effect?

  • edgydrifter

    Today’s South Carolina Political Theory Lesson: If you hate the other things I hate even more than I hate you, I will vote for you.

  • I Heart Accuracy

    This is what I expected on the final episode of Lost.

  • Hooray For Anything

    [re=604325]I Heart Accuracy[/re]: They never did explain what happened to Walt

  • Freedom McAwesomePants

    [re=604316]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: If only she were a transgender Cuban conservative teabagger

    Haley/Milo 2012!

  • FormerDCite

    I remember the days when only real Americans were Republicans. Time to take our government back! I’m off to the Piggly Wiggly to get some Lipton to wear to the protest in Colombia.

  • JackDempsey

    Strom would be spinning in his grave if those white robes weren’t so damn bulky.

  • Mad Farmer Manifest

    The GOP has a big tent. It doesn’t matter if you are a cracker, a darky, a slant-eyed gook, a dot Indian, a feather Indian, or a beaner. Just so long as you love torture and being a whore for corporations set on world domination and ecocide and hate workers, poors, enviro-nazis, and “illegals”. It’s a bonus if you can yell Socialist everytime someone tries to reign in the corporate dominance a little.

  • Potater

    Can they play this on a constant loop at polling centers?

    or better yet

  • harry palmer

    Now that government is so clearly the abject servant of its corporate masters, perhaps Strom, John C Calhoun, and all the other departed giants of SC politics would be down with electing the coloreds. Strom would no doubt think Nikki Haley was some tasty dark meat.

  • Bubberella

    [re=604287]JMP[/re]: We’ve come a long way, baby.

  • finallyhappy

    [re=604296]magic titty[/re]: I think am now a close personal friend of Elena Kagen- I just read her mom went to the same high school as me(many years apart); furthermore, during my time there in the 60’s, the infamous Rev. Wright’s mom was one of our two vice Principals.

  • user-of-owls

    [re=604367]finallyhappy[/re]: God DAMN the sixth grade!

  • artbot2000

    [re=604296]magic titty[/re]: After Roberts and Souter?

  • artbot2000

    [re=604316]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Would she be a colored not found in nature?

  • Pat Pending

    I’m sorry, the Nikster is too white to pass for colored. Was this achieved by keeping her indoors for the last five years or via Michael Jackson-type bleaching agents? Full-on vitiligo?

  • melvin

    Are we sure Tim Scott is not one of Strom’s illegitimate children?

  • Mumbletypeg

    [re=604502]melvin[/re]: Never thought of it that way til… recently.