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What Is Going On With Our Imperial War In Afghanistan?

You have failed me for the last time, General.Robert Gibbs is on the teevee reading statements, about Afghanistan! Obama and Karzai had an iChat this morning and it was “very productive.” But what is the president’s reaction to all of these crazy Rolling Stone quotes? Well, says Gibbs, motherfucking Stanley McChrystal will have his skinny traitorous ass hauled before the President tomorrow and will then be executed in Utah, on Twitter. What a weird time.

“Is McChrystal’s job safe?”

“We’ll have more to say about that after the meeting.”

What’s happening, as far as anyone can tell, is the commanding officer of U.S. troops in Afghanistan is talking crazy shit about the Commander in Chief, and whatever Biden is (Vice President of Troops), and … well this is just weird.

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“We owe it to the men and women fighting over there to implement the policy that we agreed to,” says Gibbs. “As Secretary Gates said, General McChrystal has made ‘an enormous mistake.’”

Why hasn’t McChrystal called the president yet? As for Obama, he didn’t call the general, as he wants to fire the sonofabitch face to face.

Gibbs: “I gave [the president] the article last night, and he was angry.” How angry? “Angry.”

Meanwhile, haha, Rolling Stone has what’s her name, Lady GaGa, on its website. UPDATE: They just emailed the link, the story is online now, on the Internet! It is actually fascinating. Good for this reporter, Michael Hastings, who will likely be offed tonight by McChrystal’s black-ops stay-behind assassins. Ha ha do you think we’re kidding, about McChrystal’s dark past?

Besides, the public eye has never been a place where McChrystal felt comfortable: Before President Obama put him in charge of the war in Afghanistan, he spent five years running the Pentagon’s most secretive black ops.

This guys sounds like a complete psychopath.

Execute McChrystal, Obama, you must do this, in Utah, on Twitter.

Because, really, why not? Let’s go full-crazy. Let’s do this. Don’t just fade away, America. Go out with a bang! [Reuters/CBS News]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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101 comments

  1. Buzz Feedback

    Old Abe there in the background must be shitting his stovepipe to see the Negro commanding the General. Sort of.

  2. Serolf Divad

    Obama just found someone’s ass to kick.

    OK, it’s not an Oil company exec, but a four star General will do in a pinch.

  3. chascates

    CBS News’ #2 exec made a strange confession to Broadcasting & Cable magazine: the network isn’t covering Afghanistan as much as it used to because war correspondent Lara Logan is out on maternity leave. “I would think that the biggest factor in how much less we’ve had on the air really has to do with Lara Logan’s pregnancy than it does with anything else,” CBS News Executive VP Paul Friedman said.

    NO ONE cares about Afghanistan any more so make Lara Logan the General in charge.

  4. norbizness

    Don’t worry, the next decade will be peaches and cream. Anything to justify what’s approaching $1 trillion/year Pentagon budget, driven by high demand for robots that kill wedding party participants.

  5. user-of-owls

    Quiz Time!

    Who would you rather be? McChrystal flying back to Washington or the North Korean goalie flying back to Pyongyang?

  6. Snarkalicious

    I can’t tell if Stan’s contempt for Barry shows more in his eyes, or in his open masturbation.

  7. Jar Jar Was a Senator

    “Is McChrystal’s job safe?”

    Hahaha, no. The question is “Will McChrystal be able to retire as a four-star general?”

  8. you cannot be serious

    SUPPORT THE TROOPZ!!11! Kenyan traitor needs to look at the General’s real Amerikan birth certificate.

  9. mumblyjoe

    I love how everly bleg on the Intertubes is pointing out that Rolling Stone does not understand the purpose of the Internet, which is whoring for pageviews.

    And . Also.

  10. Snarkalicious

    [re=604017]user-of-owls[/re]: Well, odds are that Kim Jong Il will insist on performing the torture personally, and that guy’s pretty muddled these days. Homeslice might end up with a lollipop and a gold-plated 6-iron to hang on his wall.

  11. Tube City

    I wonder why the President and White House aides didn’t really bond with Stinkface McSnarl.

  12. Native of SL UT

    Utah don’t do Nobama’s bidding. Execute him somewhere else. But do Twitter it.

  13. Hooray For Anything

    No, the Gaga cover story and the McChrystal story are one in the same as the machine gun bra Gaga models is actually part of McChrystal’s counter-insurgency plan. Plus, who hasn’t lost the will to live after the thousandth playing of “Bad Romance?”

  14. Real DC Native

    The President will just promote Westmoreland McChrystal so he can “retire in place”. Then the next general will work to win the hearts and minds of the Afghanistan people until the helicopters evacuate the last few Americans and American cohorts.

  15. SayItWithWookies

    McChrystal’s job is safe, although he’s being reassigned. The president’s going to give him a riding mower and put him on mine clearing detail.

  16. OzoneTom

    Gen. McChrystal should try the “fainting goat” trick that Betrayus used to get out of a tough spot.

  17. mumblyjoe

    [re=604030]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: I keep on saying, what’s so hard to understand: Black. Dude.

  18. ttommyunger

    Wake up, people. the McChrystal Strategy is to get the fuck out of that Theater of Operations BEFORE the inevitable defeat; leaving some other poor schmuck Four-Star holding the bag, while at the same time becoming a martyr and endearing himself to MILLIONS of Hopey-Haters. All this to pave the way for his National run for office in 2012 as the hero stand-alone guy who was brave enough to sass President Hopey and Vice President Whatzisface while “sacrificing” his career in the process. He can’t get a fifth star without a Congressional Declaration of War and he knows that ain’t gonna happen. He knows better than anyone that it’s now OUR turn for the World-Famous “Afghanistan Ass-Whuppin” and it’s jut a matter of when, not if. The last thing he wants is to actually have to preside over the coming defeat and withdrawal and he sees that as the only OTHER possible outcome for him. He’s a smart cookie. He got out of the Tillman debacle with nary a scratch and it was HIS baby from the start. Face it, most career officers go twenty years and more without even SEEING a Commendation for the Silver Star, much less getting to sign off on one and he says he didn’t read it carefully. He said that UNDER OATH and the pussyfart Congressmen bought it. He’ll go far, sadly.

  19. Come here a minute

    How nice of the president not to fire the general by text message like a cruel boyfriend.

  20. weejee

    Hey Neilist, Barry’s on the phone. Somethin’ about terminate with extreme prejudice.

  21. SayItWithWookies

    [re=604057]Sara Benincasa[/re]: I hope they were both thinking about peace and freedom. Oh shit, we’re screwed.

  22. chascates

    Nothing from Snowbilly yet but Meghan twittered:

    “Wow, General McChrystal…..just…..wow”

    No word from Poppa Mac.

  23. McDuff

    [re=604017]user-of-owls[/re]: Let’s see — one gets to retire to a life of fly fishing and Fox News pontificating while collecting a taxpayer-provided pension. The other gets to be dead with the aid of a taxpayer-provided bullet. Not much difference at all.

  24. Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=604011]chascates[/re]: Lara Logan was too busy getting journalists (one might have even been married) to fight over her & getting impregnated while she was over there. Not sure how she had time to report any ‘news’ when SHE was the news most of the time.

  25. Panquake

    [re=604028]mumblyjoe[/re]: God forbid they want to actually sell something, for dollars.

  26. Freedom McAwesomePants

    McCrystal stand behind Obama as Obama takes the podium.

    Obama: After numerous hours of probing McCrystal, it is clear to me that… hey, guess what? I’m the mutha-f*ckin President, bitch. What the f*ck was I thinking listening to a man whose diarrhea of the mouth is comparable only to the diarrhea of his geriatric ass? God, that’s it, f*ck the timetable, f*ck the surge, I’m sick of the muthaf*ckin troops in this muthaf*ckin quagmire.

    Obama turns around, masturbates on McCrystal, and prepares to exit stage to the tune of “Shaft.”

    Obama: Whose intimidated now, bitch?

    Obama exits stage left.

  27. x111e7thst

    He’s like MacArthur except without actually winning anything and without the stupid pipe.

  28. McDuff

    [re=604081]Freedom McAwesomePants[/re]: Isn’t this the whole problem with Hopey? We WANT him to kick ass and take names, but he insists on being all cool and professorial. Maybe we should dig up Nixon and give Obama a bit of Tricky Dick’s DNA — at least he knew how to bury a hatchet in a guy’s back.

  29. spanielmander

    Just put in whoever Petraeus wants, and make it very known that Our Roman Demigod of War picked him/her because they are the nuts.

    Petraeus is the only guy in politics whose name is worth more than a baggie of foreskins.

  30. uncletravelingmatt

    McChrystal could fuck up a stainless steel ball. Insubordination is less of a problem than incompetence, apparently. This cat’s brilliant commandering actually made Afghanistan worse. I didn’t even know that was possible.

  31. Golfing OJ

    If I knew fuck-all about those ancient Roman generals who bum-rushed the throne and plunged the Empire into a hilarious rubble-pile, I’d name them and be your Chalmers Johnson for a day.

    The end is so near you can smell it, you damn dirty apes. Next up: reality show Talkin’ Shit With Stan, the first episode of which features a drop-in from a full-retard Kardashian whore with a Marlboro-puffing fetus hanging out her lovebox. Title: “Wonderin’ What James Earl Ray-zizzle is Doing Today.”

  32. One Yield Regular

    I love that photo. It’s as though Obama’s about to pluck off McCrystal’s head, Terry Gilliam animation style, and stuff it in his pocket.

  33. JMP

    [re=604054]ttommyunger[/re]: There is the precedent of George McClellan, fired by Lincoln for his fuckups in the Civil War then running against him in 64, so who knows it could happen. He’s probably far more likely to retire to a life as a well-paid talking head on CNN, though.

    Sometimes I wonder why people thought we’d succeed in defeating Afghanistan where almost everyone else has failed; every country that’s tried for the past 2300 years has gone down to defeat, no matter how powerful. OK, Alexander the Great did actually conquer it, but he’s the only one so don’t try it unless you’re actually capable of taking over the entire known world.

  34. gjdodger

    We need a good rhyme, like “Petraeus-Betray Us.” Something like, “McChrystal-Not as hot as Lady Gaga’s Pistol”.

  35. Neilist

    [re=603998]Buzz Feedback[/re]: “Old Abe there in the background must be shitting his stovepipe to see the Negro commanding the General. Sort of.”

    Actually, Old Abe was thinking: “Another MUTHERFOOKIN George B. McClellan. Fire his ASS, Darky. (Oh, and sing another one of those Negro Spirituals, would you?).”

    [re=604065]weejee[/re]: “Hey Neilist, Barry’s on the phone.”

    Tell O’Bama I take PayPal. Not that shooting a general or two usually does any good. Better to go with the technique the Carthaginians used on failing generals: CRUCIFIXION.

  36. JMP

    [re=604095]Golfing OJ[/re]: Oh, the Romans tried to conquer the Parthians (which also controlled modern day Iran and several of the former USSR ‘stans) many times over hundreds of years, and they kept failing at it too; Crassus of First Triumvirate was famously killed while failing to defeat them, and they also handed Antony his ass though he managed to get away.

  37. Dave J.

    From that article I learned that the dude’s favorite beer is Bud Light Lime, and his favorite movie is Talladega Nights.

    Fire him now, Obama.

  38. chascates

    [re=604098]Come here a minute[/re]: Or make him wear a dunce cap with four paste-on stars.

    And a feather!

  39. Mad Farmer Manifest

    [re=604090]McDuff[/re]: Nixon also knew how to sign some progressive legislation: reams of environmental laws and Native American empowerment. But there is the drug war, so that was lame. Too bad Nixon didn’t put the hatchet in G. Gordon Liddy before Liddy set up him up.

  40. FMA

    [re=604148]Dave J.[/re]: Jesus Christ, it’s worse than I thought. As a wise man once said, in this country is a good thing to kill an admiral now and then to encourage the others.

  41. Mad Farmer Manifest

    [re=604136]JMP[/re]: The Romans got their asses kicked constantly. Problem was, they were fucking crazy. Wipeout 40,000 Romans, and 5 monthes later, there are 120,000 Roman soldiers at your door. They were all about the persistence.

    Still, they never managed to defeat Asterix.

  42. Jim89048

    I say fuck it, it’s time to hire MBA Generals from monster.com or something. We all saw how well that worked out for us with our last Commander in Chief, right?

  43. Look At My Wiener

    [re=604096]One Yield Regular[/re]: That’s the total Hopey Jedi Choke Hold move. You know Rahm is off to the side just smiling, his eyes twinkling as Obi-Wan Hopey squeezes tighter and tighter.

  44. Zadig

    [re=604196]FMA[/re]: Good ol’ Francois-Marie Arouet de Voltaire, my literary BFF (see handle).

  45. Heywood Jablome

    As my buddy who’s a major in the USMC would say.. Barry’s going to nail McCrystal’s dick to the floor so he can better stomp on it.

  46. norbizness

    General, I need you to consult Army Manual Procedure #3928-A, “How To Best Unfuck Yourself” and its Appendix C “And Start Shitting Me Tiffany Cufflinks.”

  47. chascates

    Suicide by magazine interview? He can resign, then come out saying he was too ‘mavericky’ and that Obama shorted him 10,000 troops. Would have worked out great if he only had them. Then, if he doesn’t run for national office in 2012 or later, it’s a cushy gig as a commentator and a sinecure from some think tank. Unfortunately for Petraeus, if Obama appoints him in charge of Afghanistan he’ll be screwed when he wants to run for Prez since we have a greater chance of putting a base on Mars than we do of winning in Afghanistan.

  48. Neilist

    Our Lady Peggiton of Nooneshire just floated the new meme (which I came up with at least a year ago):

    “O’Bama Is The ‘New Jimmy Carter’”: Well-intentioned, intelligent, but unlucky, facing too many problems, and an “unsteady leader.”

    Now, the Really Interesting Question: If Hopey is the New Jimmy – Who Is The New Ronald Reagan?

  49. lochnessmonster

    Not to mention the cash the DoD is handing out to the corrupt warlords in order to get needed supplies to our troops over there…

  50. Zadig

    [re=604251]chascates[/re]: What makes you think we’ll be around that long? Sure, Afghanistan is fucked, but we’re getting out long before we’ll have to write “we lost” in our high school textbooks.

    If I were Barry facing Stan in 2012, I would just say that as soon as Stan’s insubordinate, backstabbing ass was gone, we left Afghanistan.

    “Stanley McChrystal was the worst employee I ever had. I’m Barack Obama, and I approved this message.”

  51. libwakman

    Obama’s your Daddie McCuntface, he owns your Black Hawk Down ass. You pissed off the wrong Negro In Chief.

  52. Zadig

    [re=604261]lochnessmonster[/re]: Which of course means we’re funding both sides of this war.

  53. druranium

    McChrystal wrote seven short stories that eerily foreshadow many of the issues he would confront in his career… In “Brinkman’s Note,” a piece of suspense fiction, the unnamed narrator appears to be trying to stop a plot to assassinate the president. It turns out, however, that the narrator himself is the assassin, and he’s able to infiltrate the White House: “The President strode in smiling. From the right coat pocket of the raincoat I carried, I slowly drew forth my 32-caliber pistol. In Brinkman’s failure, I had succeeded.”

    Nope, absolutely nothing alarming about that. Hope the secret service will be present tomorrow during the meeting with this psychotic douchebag.

  54. chascates

    [re=604263]Zadig[/re]: Oh, I realize we won’t be there that long but it may take a GOP administration to admit it and pull out. Just as ‘only Nixon could go to China’. And I think that the current GOP frontrunners (or pretenders) for the 2012 slot will cause the greatest political slaughter any party as ever faced. Imagine the contest between (so far):

    Newt Gingrich
    Mitt Romney
    Mike Huckabee
    Rick Perry
    Tim Pawlenty
    Haley Barbour
    Sarah Palin
    Rick Santorum

    You can’t buy that kind of comedy!

  55. Prommie

    [re=604288]chascates[/re]: Don’t forget Fat Fuck Chris Christie! He is surging to national prominence even as we speak. Surging. Don’t visualize that.

  56. JMP

    [re=604289]Prommie[/re]: The Republicans love him because, while insisting the State has to cut money from the school system and stop doing anything to help the poors because of their budget deficit, he vetoed a bill that would have prevented a tax only on people making over $1,000,000 from expiring. Truly, he has the conservative priorities of evil.

  57. Zadig

    [re=604260]Neilist[/re]: “an unsteady leader,” really?

    Suddenly, when there’s a Doomed Presidency meme to run with, Obama magically isn’t the most infuriatingly calm and methodical president ever.

    Anyway, whoever the New Reagan is, Noonan is already drunkenly masturbating to his portrait.

  58. GOPCrusher

    [re=604260]Neilist[/re]: Oh shit, that meme is so two weeks ago. The RNC Department of Propaganda and Talking Points needs to re-evaluate their distribution system.

  59. Numbat Dundee

    This is an amazing coincidence. I’ve just been doing some research (my day job) which involved looking up the war record of a particular Australian Sergeant in the First World War. He’d been a minor player in the Sydney Labour movement before the war and was a good orator. The Labor Party were in power and the defense minister, knowing the Sergeant was a good soapbox orator, intervened to have him sent home after a relatively light wound in Galipolli because he would be “useful to recruiting”. The Sergeant came home and instead campaigned against conscription and the war.
    Why am I telling you this? The Sergeant’s name was McCrystal. It was just weird because I finished reading the archival record (it’s online) and clicked onto Wonkette and saw this.

  60. DustBowlBlues

    Layne, although you scare me sometimes, when you write shit like; “Well, says Gibbs, motherfucking Stanley McChrystal will have his skinny traitorous ass hauled before the President tomorrow and will then be executed in Utah, on Twitter” you keep me coming back.

    What pisses me off the most about the chicken hawks is that they’re gung-ho to send men and women to die in a war that the Republics are too chicken shit to pay for. Does the hypocrisy of putting a war on the card drive anyone else so fucking crazy that it’s all they can do not to grab a tire iron and start clubbing Republics to death?

  61. DustBowlBlues

    [re=604332]Numbat Dundee[/re]: “The Labor Party were”

    You ozzies and your limey grammar.

  62. chascates

    [re=604337]DustBowlBlues[/re]: And the chickenhawks never send their kids off to war.

  63. DustBowlBlues

    [re=604054]ttommyunger[/re]: You’re making me sadder and sadder I spent the afternoon in the hot sun (heat index 100F) and killing time in a near-empty strip mall while waiting for the wrecker to come for my dead car, rather than catching this thread from the beginning. Wonkette beats a dead strip mall under a scorching sun any day.

  64. Numbat Dundee

    [re=604339]DustBowlBlues[/re]: We may have “Limey grammar”, but we had the better McCrystal.

  65. schvitzatura

    [re=604242]norbizness[/re]: General McChrystal, all I’ve ever asked of my theater commanders is that they obey my orders as they would the word of God. We are here to help the Pashtun, the Hazara, the Baluch, because inside every hajji there is an American trying to get out. It’s a hardball world, General. We’ve gotta keep our heads until this COIN craze blows over.

    Then we can resume Operation Linebacker II Redux, on the MQ-9 Hellfire/Paveway tip, in the entirety of AFPAK.

  66. schvitzatura

    For they’re cashierin’ Stan McC, you can hear the Dead March play,
    The E-Ring’s in ‘ollow square — they’re cashierin’ him to-day;
    They’ve taken of his buttons off an’ cut fruit salad away,
    An’ they’re cashierin’ Stan McC in the mornin’.

  67. IgnatiusReilly

    “For ’tis the sport to have the enginer
    Hoist with his own petar, an’t shall go hard
    But I will delve one yard below their mines,
    And blow them at the moon.”

    Fuck you Guildnemcfuckingchrystalstern. In my previous life, I worked for a defense contractor, had a secret clearance, answered to retired officers. They would have fucking eaten my liver for this shit.

  68. PsycGirl

    [re=604260]Neilist[/re]: If gas prices are any indication, George W. Bush was actually the second Jimmy Carter.

  69. steverino247

    When the inquiry over this is held, they’ll give you such a pranging that you’ll be lucky to end up wearing the uniform of a bloody toilet attendant!

    Or, I’m tired of seeing these motherfucking stars on this motherfucking uniform. Pluck, pluck, pluck, pluck.

    Personally, I’d give the General two options: 1) Resign and retire after apologizing to the troops and the People for disobeying his oath or 2) occupy a one man weather station above the Arctic Circle.

  70. ladymacbeth

    [re=604041]Hooray For Anything[/re]: i have played ‘bad romance’ 48 times according to my ipod.

    i have absolutely no taste and revel in trash.

  71. Slattenpat

    Poor General McMeth, he just wants to go back to the mavericky days when The Decider let him do whatever romantic warpig things he wanted to do. Things were so much simpler then, when the guy in charge just wanted to dress up in General McMeth’s clothes while yelling easily digestible slogans from a bullhorn, and encouraged him to kill, kill, kill. Now, he’s got a mean new boss telling him to clean up the mess he’s made in the kitchen without breaking any more eggs, and he whines about it like a little snitch bitch to a magazine that usually writes things about High School Musical and Justin Bieber. Good job, General Stanley! *Thumbs Up – Lynndie England Style*

  72. you didn't ask, but

    [re=604100]gjdodger[/re]: McCrystal full of shit’s all? [re=604260]Neilist[/re]: You mean who’s going to make a deal w/ the Iranian?

    Any of you get the feeling this week that Barry is cleaning house?

    He usually lets things get really hectic in the summer and gets shit ship shape in the fall (Remember them tardbaggers and healthcare?)

  73. RedNo.4

    Must be hard listening to that guy sitting in your seat, saying things that induce you to produce laryngital hemorrhoids, and on camera. F’ing broken teleprompter. Also.

  74. Tcaalaw

    [re=604076]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: So you’re saying Lara Logan is the Nikki Haley of Afghanistan?

  75. libwakman

    Or made legal. In any case, a pigeons hole is a warm tight place to be while breezin’ the Wonkettesphere.

  76. Can O Whoopass

    Dan Rather found a secret memo that McChrissy was a Granada Deserter under Saint Raygoon!

    All the more reason to give him the keys to a Winnebago and a map of North Dakota.

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