The Lost Washingtonienne (WONKETTE EXCLUSIVE, ETC., ETC.)

OK, so we just spent a half an hour trying to keep all the initials in Washingtonienne’s blog straight, just so that we could sub in other initials, on the off chance that she used real initials and the whole thing isn’t some elaborate prank.

Which it still could be.

In any case, her blog may be erased from Blogspot, but we have the whole sordid Washingtonienne saga right here. (In backwards chronological order, blog-style.) It’s actually pretty well done, and we repeat that we’re serious about finding Washingtonienne an agent. On a less positive note, you can kind of tell the last entry is going to be the last. . .

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

I just took a long lunch with X and made a quick $400. When I returned to the office, I heard that my boss was asking about my whereabouts. Loser.

posted by The Washingtonienne at 2:10 PM

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THE LOST WASHINGTONIENNE

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

I just took a long lunch with X and made a quick $400. When I returned to the office, I heard that my boss was asking about my whereabouts. Loser.

posted by The Washingtonienne at 2:10 PM

———-

YZ called last night. He had a visitor flying in from NYC who was stuck in a holding pattern over DC for an hour. (Who flies from NY to DC anymore? Take the train! Or the $10 Chinatown bus.)

He was bored, so he picked me up and took me back to his house. His friend arrived around 11:30pm, and was exhausted from his hellish plan ride. So YZ and I went upstairs and got ready for bed.

Warning: the following passage is extremely corny. Get ready to vom.

So I get into bed and by then, it’s midnight.

“What time is it?” YZ asks.

“Midnight,” I reply.

“Do you know what that means?”

“Uh…no.”

“That means it’s your birthday.” And he pulls out this pink and green package, and I just know it’s a new Lilly dress.

And it was. Then we fucked missionary. And he came. With a condom on.

Then he was like, “Who the hell comes missionary anymore?!”

Is that The Quote of the Day or what?

posted by The Washingtonienne at 10:59 AM

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Monday, May 17, 2004

Rec’d an e-mail from T today:

Hey there. Ughh, I broke up with my girlfriend last night. I hate that shit. There is nothing worse. Except when you work together!!! AH…what was I thinking?? Anyway, what’s new with you??

I wrote back:

Ha. I knew this would happen.

So T is unattached. Too bad he lives in the middle of nowhere. Maybe he’ll move out here. THAT would make my blog more interesting!

posted by The Washingtonienne at 3:05 PM

———-

[Redacted personal info. Not about sex, don't worry.]

———-

First, I want to give a shout-out to my friend’s blog, Clueless. It is much funnier than mine. I sent her an e-mail telling her this and she wrote back:

“You’re crazy–my blog is so boring compared to yours. I’m like, ooooh, I made eye contact with someone today! Yours actually has action occurring on a daily basis. Trust me, it’s very entertaining.”

Not so today. I had a lovely weekend, but nothing awesome happened.

Like, on Friday, I ate a really good quesadilla and went to a movie. (So what?)

On Saturday, I went to Eastern Market with YZ and we walked around holding hands. (Who cares?)

On Sunday, I did errands. (Bring a book!)

Oh, I forgot: I learned that YZ has a twin! (Unf, nobody finds this as fascinating as I do.)

Getting involved in a new relationship really just means ruining your nightlife. I resolve not to let this happen to me: I got bored and restless in my last relationship, and look what happened. Call it Madame Bovary Syndrome. Going out and getting trashed at least three times a week is the only cure.

posted by The Washingtonienne at 8:56 AM

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Friday, May 14, 2004

I got a raise today! Now I make $25K.

(Wasn’t that what I was making before??)

Most of my living expenses are thankfully subsidized by a few generous older gentlemen. I’m sure I am not the only one who makes money on the side this way: how can anybody live on $25K/year??

If you investigated every Staff Ass on the Hill, I am sure you would find out some freaky shit. No way can anybody live on such a low salary. I am convinced that the Congressional offices are full of dealers and hos.

posted by The Washingtonienne at 4:34 PM

———-

Going to see the movie Troy tonight. YZ told me to call him afterwards. Wants sex. We’ve only been dating a week, and we already have a routine.

posted by The Washingtonienne at 3:48 PM

———-

QV found my half-empty bottle of K-Y last night. He will probably never speak to me again.

I feel bad about what I did to QV and I feel like our relationship deserves more than a short write-off, but we both need to move on. I never promised him a rose garden.

So I called YZ after QV left in a huff. I ended up sleeping over in Bethesda for the third night in a row.

He wants us to get tested together so we can stop using condoms. Isn’t that sweet? Hope I don’t have anything!

So I don’t know if it’s getting serious or what. We’re seeing each other every day now. I like him very much and he likes me. But can it go anywhere, i.e. marriage? I don’t know. He’s Jewish, I’m not. And we have nasty sex like animals, not man and wife. But we work together, so there is an incentive to stay together and avoid an awkward breakup. And after a few months, people around the office will start “hearing wedding bells.”

I really just want to be a Jewish housewife with a big rock on my finger.

posted by The Washingtonienne at 9:53 AM

———-

Thursday, May 13, 2004

Item! “The Real World: D.C.”

See today’s Wonkette:

Like You Need Another Reason to Avoid Adams Morgan

Wonkette’s Kalorama Citizens’ Association operative writes to say that “The Real World: D.C.” has found a location for its Ikea showroom/soundstage:

MTV has purchased the space above Maggie Moo’s on 18th St in Adams Morgan. Real World DC here we come. . .

Wondering if the cast will work for MoveOn or Club for Growth. . .

Or they could work at The New Republic with all the other recent college graduates who aren’t paying their own rent.

Or worse, they could work on the Hill!

posted by The Washingtonienne at 11:11 AM

———-

I first learned about the [Alma Mater] logo/name change at last night’s Chancellor’s alumni reception. I bumped into a “contemporary” of mine from da [Alma Mater] who also works in da Senate–in da same office as that girl I saw HK with a few weeks ago.

So we had some drinks at the reception and I went to Red River to meet some people from his office. Unf, she wasn’t there, but I learned that she thinks HK is as big of a chump as I do. My [Alma Mater] friend told me that HK was talking to her long before I came to the Hill. She recently broke up with her boyfriend, but [Alma Mater] Dude believes that she won’t date HK, they’re just friends.

(Not that I care anymore, but these things are good to know.)

So my friend MP met up with me at RX and I had two genius ideas:

1. We should go to Saki.
2. MP should meet YZ.

So I called YZ and told him to come over so MP could get a look at him. This morning she says (via IM), “He does look like George Clooney, but he’s totally Woody Allen.”

She also said, “He will do anything to make you happy.”

Isn’t that sweet? And it’s true: he stood in line with us at Saki for 1 1/2 hours!

BTW, Saki has gotten really hard to get into. But I don’t know of any other place that is more action-packed on a Wednesday night in Washington. However, MP and I have decided not to go back there for a few months: we actually recognized people from the last time we were there! Which is a v. bad sign.

Also, we will go home and change before we go to Saki. Next time, we will not wear our work clothes.

When Saki closed, we got some nasty Pizza Mart slices that tasted really good at the time. Then MP went home and YZ took me back to his place for the second night in a row. I passed out as soon as I lay down, so we didn’t do anything.

I woke up with an awful hangover and barfed up my Pizza Mart. (I’m losing weight!) Then YZ drove me home and made me promise to call him again today. I need to take it easy tonight, which means I might not go out, and I am sitting out the taco contest for sure.

Sorry to disappoint any of my fans at Tortilla Coast.

posted by The Washingtonienne at 10:17 AM

———-

[Redacted personal info. Not about sex, don't worry.]

posted by The Washingtonienne at 9:10 AM

———-

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

What is my position? I am a Staff Assistant, or “Staff Ass,” as the men on the Hill like to say. It’s the entry-level job in each office. (For those who don’t know.)

posted by The Washingtonienne at 4:20 PM

———-

P (Threesome Dude) e-mailed me while I was out at lunch:

How are things on the Hill? I assume everyone’s going nuts about the Iraq (and now Afghanistan) prisoner abuse stories and the execution of that young American.

Warm here, beautiful out…people trying to forget the state of the world and just enjoy life a little.

And thanks again for inviting me. Barring that final drink (and anything I said that might have made that a little awkward – for which I apologize), I really enjoyed it. And I hope to see you again.

Best,

P

Jesus, what a douche.

posted by The Washingtonienne at 12:59 PM

———-

So I went to dinner w/ YZ at Lebanese Taverna. He’s really not mad about the gossip at all: he’s actually joking around the office about it. Like, when he walks out of a room, he’ll slap himself on the ass! Me, I’m just hiding in my office until this blows over.

We went to his house after dinner, a four bedroom in Bethesda. Needs work, but v. cute.

So it turns out that YZ cannot finish with a condom on. He can barely stay hard. So he ends up taking it off and humping away at me. Maybe I forgot to tell him that I’m on the Pill. Note to self…

I also learned that he was a cop, so he has scary police shit like handcuffs in his closet. He implied that we would be using them next time, which is intriguing, but I know I’m going to get scared and panicky. (Which would probably turn him on.)

So 9pm comes and goes, and I missed my date with QV. And I was missing ANTM! So I just watched it with YZ. Meanwhile, QV is trying to call me on my cell (which is turned off inside my handbag.) QV left a very irrate message on my voicemail. He basically hates me now.

But when you’re crushing on somebody new, that stuff doesn’t affect you as much as it should. I slept over at YZ’s and he drove me home this morning to change. I’m supposed to call him again today. I’m afraid I really like him. I like this crazy hair-pulling, ass-smacking dude who wants to use handcuffs on me. Shit.

posted by The Washingtonienne at 9:28 AM

———-

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

YZ just called again. Bad news: the rumor has spread to other offices. This is bad.

posted by The Washingtonienne at 5:57 PM

———-

New stuff from Martha Stewart!

http://www.marthastewart.com/

If you’re like me and you’re decorating a new apartment (because your boyfriend kicked you out), you need to stop hatin’ on Martha: her stuff is the cutest! I’m getting the faux bois pattern throw pillows, and the seaweed and coral candles!

posted by The Washingtonienne at 4:44 PM

———-

Praise for Washingtonienne:

“This is pretty cool – she sounds like a ‘fun’ girl. I’d like to blog her.”–James, San Diego, CA.

posted by The Washingtonienne at 3:39 PM

———-

Oooh, YZ just called me. He asked me out again tonight, but I have plans w/ QV @ 9pm. (We’re watching the ANTM special together.)

Two nights in a row. I like him, but WTF?

posted by The Washingtonienne at 2:42 PM

———-

By popular demand, I have finally created a key to keeping my sex life straight.

In alpha order:

FD=The intern in my office whom I want to fuck.

X=Married man who pays me for sex. Chief of Staff at one of the gov agencies, appointed by Bush.

T=Lost my virginity to him and fell in love. Dude who has been driving me crazy since 1999. Lives in Springfield, IL. Flies halfway across the country to fuck me, then I don’t hear from him for weeks.

HK=Dude from the Senate office I interned in Jan. thru Feb. Hired me as an intern. Broke up my relationship w/ QV (see below).

QV=Serious, long-term boyfriend whom I lived with since 2001. Disastrous break up in March, but still seeing each other.

P=AKA “Threesome Dude.” Somebody I would rather forget about.

YZ=My new office bf with whom I am embroiled in an office sex scandal. The current favorite.

K=A sugar daddy who wants nothing but anal. Keep trying to end it with him, but the money is too good.

Shit. I’m fucking six guys. Ewww.

posted by The Washingtonienne at 2:21 PM

———-

I am so busted.

Went out w/ YZ after work yesterday. He took me out for drinks, took me back to my place, and we fucked every which way. THEN he tells me that he heard I’ve been spreading the spanking rumor around the office! He’s not mad, but I am so ashamed of my behavior: I have such a big mouth. It got around and now EVERYBODY knows. Even our LD (who is sleeping with somebody in our office, too, BTW.)

But last night was fun. He’s very up-front about sex. He likes talking dirty and stuff, and he told me that he likes submissive women. Good, now I can take it easy in bed. Just lay back and watch him do freaky shit.

We went to Tune Inn and ate some shit there because it was the only place open at 1am. He walked me home and kissed me at my door. I was like, “Aww, this is so adorable!” He called me “jaded” and told me to call him tomorrow (i.e. today).

Jaded? Moi?

posted by The Washingtonienne at 9:19 AM

———-

Monday, May 10, 2004

Must watch!

America’s Next Top Model: The Runway Ahead, Tuesday @ 9pm on UPN!

http://www.upn.com/shows/top_model2/runway_ahead/index.shtml

posted by The Washingtonienne at 6:25 PM

———-

Updates

Went to “lunch” (i.e. iced coffee) and on the way back, bumped into both HK and YZ! (But not at the same time, FD.)

I told HK I had some news, so he sat down with me in the cafeteria and I told him about YZ. (I left out the sex. Also, I tried to frame the story like, “Isn’t this a totally fucked-up situation?”, not like I’m trying to make him jealous.)

He could not get back to work fast enough. I really don’t care if he hates me or what. He isn’t into me anymore anyway. If he was, he would call me more often. Also, he said he’s trying to get a job off the Hill asap, so I can stop worrying about bumping into him everywhere I go.

So I leave the cafeteria and start walking back to the office, and I see YZ. We stopped and talked in the hall and he asked me out for a drink tonight. (Except he doesn’t drink?) I look really good today, so I’m glad I hit two birds with one stone during my lunch hour.

posted by The Washingtonienne at 2:08 PM

———-

K just e-mailed me: How was your weekend? Thinking of you!

Ugh.

I wrote back: From now on, we should go out drinking before we go back to your place. I think that would improve everything.

I know I said it was “over,” but it’s not like it matters either way. What can I say, I like money.

posted by The Washingtonienne at 12:35 PM

———-

I am done with K, for real this time. A man who tries to fuck you in the ass when you are sober does not love you. He should at least take you out for a few drinks to spare you the pain. Now I know that K does not care about me, only my asshole.

The whole situation depressed me so much, I turned down a free dinner and asked him to take me home. He peeled off a few hundred from that roll of cash he carries around, and put the hundreds in my hand as I was getting out of the car. I acted indignant, like I don’t need his help, but I kept it: why punish myself? I should get something for putting up with his tired old ass.

So that’s the end of K.

The intern did not show at the party on Saturday. I was disappointed, but it’s probably for the best. I don’t need anymore sex scandals at work. But I’m bummed that he is not as interested as I had imagined.

Had a good time with CV and her friend R. We got wasted and I passed out on my floor Saturday night.

Sunday, I laid out and got some good sun. Unf, I chose a popular tourist picture-taking spot on the Mall, and all these assholes kept trying to snap shots of me in my bikini. I know I’m hot and everything, but please: no pictures!

So I went home to take a nap. I opened the door and started walking towards my bedroom, past the kitchen. I noticed a new blender sitting on the counter.

BUT I DON’T OWN A BLENDER!

I started to call the police, but stopped to think. Who has a key to this place? X! But why a blender? More importantly, why didn’t he call first? What if I was in bed with my intern and X popped in with a surprise blender?

X e-mailed me this morning to ask if I liked his gift. I just told him that I don’t like surprises. I can’t afford to stop seeing him, so I didn’t bitch him out as much as I should have. I mean, is he crazy or what? Maybe I told him I wanted a blender and don’t remember. Even so, why not call?

QV came home from his Iceland trip last night and we had another totally redundant and pointless argument about our relationship. We made up before The Sopranos started so I could watch w/o his pissy little distractions. Such a bitch sometimes. But I love him.

Back to work now…

posted by The Washingtonienne at 11:47 AM

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