LaRouchite Dem Candidate ‘Ke$ha’ Has Some Awesome Ideas Re: Space Colonies, Impeachment

  larouchite day at wonkette!

Woke up in the mornin feelin like P DiddyTexas’ 22nd district gave America its greatest statesman, Tom DeLay, and then seven glorious weeks of Shelly Dracula Cunt, but since then its representatives have been a little on the dull side. How are we going to fix this? Local Democrats are doing their part; they nominated a lady who is a Lyndon LaRouche devotee, and who wants to colonize Mars and impeach Barack Obama!

Here is a non-joke thing we are going to say: We find the headline on this Time Magazine story about duly nominated Democratic congressional candidate Kesha Rogers — “Texas Dems Grapple With Their Own Alvin Greene” — problematic! They are both black and not ideal candidates from the perspective of the national Democratic party, but that is about all they have in common. Alvin Greene is an anti-candidate who uncampaigns, and when pressed will give vague but fairly conventional answers about what it is he supports. Whereas Rogers is a cheerful, energetic campaigner with a normal looking website who just happens to advocate totally bonkers political positions, like “colonize Mars!” and “impeach Barack Obama!”

We can’t even begin to understand what exactly the thread holding together LaRouchite philosophy is, but as near as we can tell it’s a hilarious combination of New Deal nostalgia, global warming denial, space travel cheerleading, and lunatic Anglophobia. In other words, it’s exactly right for this moment in history, when there’s a new Great Depression and foul British oil is washing up on our shores. Do you think someone living on the Gulf Coast will see Rogers’ assertion on the front page of her site that she wants to “Impeach Obama, save NASA, and kick the British Empire supporting politicians out of our government” as anything other than awesome? Kesha Rogers will be speaker of the house and LaRouche president by 2012, at which point Stanley McChrystal will be pulled away from the war he apparently finds so annoying and given a new assignment: subduing perfidious Albion and tracking down its sinister Queen, so she can be ritually beheaded.

Until that happy day, enjoy this Kesha Rogers campaign video, which shows us what America’s space-traveling future will be like.

[Time]

Share This
 
Related video

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

63 comments

  1. An Outhouse

    Now that the Dems are nominating insane people, I don’t have to contribute to the Green Party any more?

  2. Ren McCormack

    Go all in. Colonize Obama and impeach Mars. Now that’s a platform for the 21st century.

  3. user-of-owls

    [re=603919]Ren McCormack[/re]: Well there’s certainly precedence for planetary impeachment. Just ask Pluto.

  4. Prommie

    I fucking told you, batshit is the new mainstream. There is now literally no statement, allegation, argument, belief system, or philosophy, which is outside the pale of public acceptance, say anything, anything at all, and the press will represent it respectfully, and at the end, append “some people disagree,” even when “some people” would include every sane and intelligent human being alive.

    Oh, I forgot, there is one philosophy which remains completely beyond the pale, and anyone who openly espouses it is attacked, vilified, and mocked for being insane, stupid, criminal, and if he is a man, effeminate and probably homosexual. That would be classic, traditional Roosevelt-Johnson liberalism.

  5. Geogre

    You young folks, with your hippety hop.

    The Ramones could do that same song in 2 minutes, and Fear could do it in 1:30.

    I think she’s an Alvin Greene because… uh… voters pulled the lever without knowing anything about the candidates and because of a name-alike, and thus ended up with a wildly inappropriate person? That’s all I’ve got.

    Now pay me money, Time.

  6. JMP

    In the land of make believe of Mrs. Rogers’ neighborhood, is there a particular high crime or misdemeanor alleged against Obama, or does she just advocate impeaching him for the hell of it?

  7. Aguacatero

    “I have fought long and hard on behalf of the ideals and principles of the true Democratic Party best represented by Franklin D. Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy and Lyndon LaRouche, even at the expense of happily putting myself at odds with the now discredited ‘mainstream’ leadership of my party.”

    –campaign website

  8. user-of-owls

    [re=603923]Prommie[/re]:

    classic, traditional Roosevelt-Johnson liberalism.

    That’s just crazy talk!

  9. Prommie

    [re=603933]user-of-owls[/re]: Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think, that LaRouche does constantly claim to be a “Roosevelt” style democrat. Except when LaRouche sings “Happy Days Are Here Again,” he uses a scale with the A-tone set to 432 Hz.

  10. ttommyunger

    The Star Trek Clip makes me ashamed of myself if I ever watched a full episode, and I’m afraid I did, more than once. Oooooh, the shame, the SHAME!!!

  11. SmutBoffin

    “Alvin Greene is an anti-candidate who uncampaigns…”

    I would describe Ke$ha as the anti-candidate. Kinda like an anti-artist who won’t shut up about how much they hate art, Ke$ha wants everything inverted for, well, whatever the fuck reason. Greene is more art brut.

  12. SayItWithWookies

    This might be the funniest sentence on the front page of her website:
    My campaign forcefully rejects the present failed policies, and supports instead the immediate implementation of the economic recovery solutions long proposed by American statesman, and the world’s leading economic forecaster, Lyndon LaRouche.

    That alone should be grounds for instant disqualification — but then again, this is Texas.

  13. dijetlo

    [re=603938]ttommyunger[/re]: It was that or Lassie…perhaps you got the other channel where Ronnie Reagan was selling borax soap. The point is, it’s all relative. Star Trek was much better than a collie that rescued young retarded boys, and indescribably better than old retarded boys selling soap.
    We’re seeing the same thing with our girl Keesha, here. It’s started small, a little weird ripple on the far right of the Republican party. Unfortunately in the cesspool that is conservative media, they managed to stroke that ripple of weirdness into a tsunami of odd. Now we’re supposed to think BP is being unfairly tarred, is it any wonder that it’s jumped the symbiotic gap between the two major parties and is now sloshing around the fringes of the moderate party? I mean, it’s Texas so on the one hand, who cares? Those people are idiots, however it’s a Democrat which is a bad thing, we can’t have both parties go off the rails simultaneously.

  14. Neilist

    [re=603923]Prommie[/re]: “That would be classic, traditional Roosevelt-Johnson liberalism.”

    YOU HOMO!!!!!!!!!

  15. BlueStateLiberal

    The Moon/Mars space exploration would create a lot of jobs, and think of all the fast food/cars/movies/freedom trays we could sell to the Martians. And the Martians would be less likely to decapitate us and/or inject their young into our bodies, later killing us as they burst out of our chests. Win-win for all.

  16. Red Zeppelin

    How many LaRouchites are Scientologists, and vice versa? I’m just sayin, there seems to be some overlap there.

  17. SmutBoffin

    The second that our nation’s brave astro-men reached Mars, you know that Martian Teabaggers would be out in droves, screaming about ILLEGULZ and saying “Speak Martian or GTFO!”. That shithole is worse than Prescott, AZ.

  18. user-of-owls

    You know what really creeps me out? Look at that picture for a second and Keesha could be the office manager at a real estate company, your loan officer, the new assistant professor of sociology, etc.

    But look at the picture for a full minute and the focus gets blurred, almost imperceptibly. It gives me flashbacks to being in Havana in the late 1990s. You’d look around and 99% of what you saw could have been Santo Domingo, or Veracruz, or Limon. But then if you kept looking, you’d see the 1%. For example, none of the mandatory filth lining the curbsides. Or less subtly, the pervasive three-panel mini-billboards.

    Panel One: Rent a Car from AutoExpress!
    Panel Two: Coppelia: El Gelado Mejor!
    Panel Three: Socialismo o Muerte!

    It’s always the Panel Three that you gotta watch out for.

  19. norbizness

    Burns: People, if we meet this week’s quota, I’ll take you to the most duck-filled pond you ever sat by! (the old folks begin working faster)

    Grampa: Oh, hot-diggity! That’s how they got me to vote for Lyndon LaRouche!

  20. Ken Layne

    Also, if being in favor of human exploration and colonization of space makes one a LaRouchite … well jesus christ do not “sign me up” but who isn’t for human space exploration? (A lot of dumb fucking libtards who say “ooooooh but we’ve got a lot of problems on Earth to fix first” that’s who, and enjoy that when an ASTEROID or OIL SPILL or VOLCANO kills you all, on the only place you’ve currently got to live.)

    /sorry

  21. Tommmcatt

    I thought LaRouche was dead. Or was that Robert W. Welch? I have trouble telling them apart….

  22. coolcatdaddy

    You didn’t mention that her plan for colonizing the Red Planet is contained in a video titled “OUR EXTRATERRESTRIAL IMPERATIVE”.

    Sounds like some kind of Scientology thing.

  23. chascates

    Has anyone been into LaRouche and Scientology at the same time? What kind of philosophy would that be?

  24. Manos: Hands of Fate

    As nutty as Bachmann but w/o the crazy/distrubing eyes. Attractive in a non-scary way even. What’s up with that? I can only assume she has no idea what she is doing.

  25. Serolf Divad

    [re=603944]SayItWithWookies[/re]:

    My campaign forcefully rejects the present failed policies, and supports instead the immediate implementation of the economic recovery solutions long proposed by American statesman, and the world’s leading economic forecaster, Lyndon LaRouche.

    That sounds like something a follower of Rand Paul would write… or a follower of Kim Jong Il, for that matter… which is pretty much saying the same thing, I guess.

  26. TheWaltonFirm

    Speaking to the “thread holding together the LaRouche philosophy”, there isn’t one, Larouche is actually a pyramid scheme for vague political outrage, and they constantly need to hurry up and kick the next product down the stairs to all the sales teams before the new team members they have on the hook figure out what total garbage last months deal was. What you will notice is that these people just pick up on whatever is a big deal in the news at any given time, and offer to assuage peoples anxieties over those issues if only they buy some books and maybe say goodbye to their family life for five or six years. If you are concerned about the gulf coast for instance, maybe you just havent tried yelling at strangers on street corners about how it’s the queens fault yet? empowering! therepeutic! maglev not war! join the reLOVEution! etc.

  27. Neilist

    [re=603957]Prommie[/re]: “Don’t forget ‘commie fascist traitor.’”

    I believe it’s actually “Commie Pinko Fag.”

    Accordingly to the late George Carlin, that is.

  28. An Outhouse

    [re=603969]Ken Layne[/re]: “who isn’t for human space exploration?”

    The same people who think sex with robots will turn out to be a bad idea.

  29. Gun-toting Progressive

    [re=603923]Prommie[/re]: You forgot one important philosophy which is still verboten: Atheism. You can claim that we are run by shape-shifting lizard Socialists, as long as you continue to support Zombie Jeebus.

  30. blinky_twinkie

    We can’t even being to understand

    Do you think someone living on the Gulf Coat

    Can I be your new proofreader? If not, I demand a Blingee of the Gulf Coat, for laffs.

  31. GoinGreen

    [re=603923]Prommie[/re]: A big “Thank you” to Michele Bachmann and Sister Sara – for advancing the batshit platform by decades! You are correct when you state that the mainstream will publish anything with no hesitation – as long as it has a tinge of FUCK NOBAMA!!1! to it.


  32. Post author
    Josh Fruhlinger

    [re=604025]blinky_twinkie[/re]: [re=604038]librulabortionlover[/re]: FIXED! You people can be our proofreaders when you click ads one million times and get us more moneys.

  33. wilbro

    She seems to think that BP is controlled by the British government.

    Jeez, if it was, they’d have given it up at the first sign of trouble, like they did all their colonies.

    (In other interesting logical feats, she seems to think BP is screwing the Gulf of Mexico because Wall Street and “London” control Obama.)

  34. blinky_twinkie

    [re=604066]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: I *do* actually click your clickies! Really! But not a bazillion times, though. But still, I halp.

  35. Elephants Gerald

    [re=603957]Prommie[/re]: Jesus. I used to read this stuff because of the sense of community, the sense that I belonged somewhere. But I am actualy a sidelined nutjobpinkofacistfagRooseveltJohnsonLibtard? Sigh. Guess I’ll stuff another kilo of Copenhagen in my lip and turn on the webcam…

  36. assistant/atlas

    Hey, she likes Glass-Steagall … I like Glass-Steagall! She likes the idea of going to Mars….I like the idea of going to Mars… Maybe I’m a LaRouchie! Oh God, what if I’m a LaRouchie…

    [re=603969]Ken Layne[/re]: Oh Phew! Thanks, Ken! I thought I was going to have to start handing out pamphlets on Venice Beach while being as annoying as fucking possible.

  37. nappyduggs

    I go to Michelle Obama for advice on biceps, but I go to Ms. K for advice on concepts. Word.

  38. Prommie

    [re=604086]Elephants Gerald[/re]: Hey, no, don’t go, I am one, too. I am a libtard, through and through, I just put on a cynical facade to look cool here.

  39. amobogio basketball-jones

    Way late on this, but I read the headline on the main page as space colonics…really crazy lady, even Larouche takes his colonics under gravity – ’cause else how they come back out?

  40. arclight

    Was this an “open” primary where anyone (i.e. non-Democrats) could vote in the Democratic primary? I’m going to go out on a limb and speculate that yes, indeed, it was.

    This shit has got to stop. Democracy is being subverted.

Comments are closed.