Gov’t Employee Stanley McChrystal Gripes About His Bosses

  ha ha bite me

Don't you touch me, you gay liberal homosexualThe biggest story in the political universe this morning (other than Tim James’ concession, natch) comes to us courtesy of Rolling Stone magazine, which is apparently still being published! One of their dogged reporters was taken off the crucial Third Eye Blind beat to go to Afghanistan and hang out with the upper echelons of the officer corps there, only to discover that these he-man military guys liked to make fun of the recently elected liberal administration! Find out what extremely rude thing they said about Joe Biden — Joe Biden! We thought every last living human loved Joe Biden! — after the jump.

Here are the mean things McChrystal and his posse of war-fighters said and did, as excerpted by the liberal media: they said Obama was “uncomfortable and intimidated” during a meeting with a bunch of generals; they called National Security Advisor James Jones a “clown” who is “stuck in 1985″; they called Richard Holbrooke, the administration’s Afghan-Pakistan envoy, a “wounded animal” and “dangerous,” because he might get fired soon; they don’t think much of Karl Eikenberry, the ambassador to Kabul; they referred to the prospect of meeting with a French government official as “fucking gay”; and when someone brought up Joe Biden, McChrystal said “Are you asking me about Vice President Biden? Who’s that?” and then one of his aides said “Biden? Did you say ‘Bite me?’” HA HA GET IT BECAUSE IT SORT OF RHYMES!

Here’s what they don’t do: disagree on any substantive policy or war-fighting issues, really! It seems to mostly be just a big workplace clash of personalities, except the “workplace” is a nightmarish war zone where thousands of people are dying and maybe we should be acting like fucking grown-ups, especially when talking on the record to reporters at national magazines. Anyway, Barry is pretty pissed because this all makes him look wimpy so McChrystal is flying back to DC right now to be extensively yelled at and/or fired.

But hey, at least Rolling Stone comes out looking pretty great in all this, right? Pageview bonanza! Uh, except, as our soul mates at The Awl point out, the article isn’t on Rolling Stone’s website because Jann Wenner hates and fears the Internet, and the actual paper magazine isn’t on newsstands yet, and probably won’t be until everyone has lost interest in this story! (The Politico had a PDF version up at one point, but had to take it down; The Awl has a fair use excerpt.) If you want to enjoy Rolling Stone’s fine reporting today, check out this article about the death of Slipknot’s bassist instead. [NYT/WP]

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Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

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77 comments

  1. BlueStateLiberal

    Aren’t most workplaces “nighmarish war zones” when you think about it? BTW, nice alt-text!

  2. TheGryphon

    What is “slipknot”? Is it some sort of bondage code word? Bcs if not, has no place in story.

  3. snideinplainsight

    It would be so awesome if Barry subjected him to military discipline!! Maybe he could make him climb a greased pole, or do twenty pushups, or walk around the hard with his backpack on, in the rain!

    What? ‘Fire him’? That doesn’t sound like half as much fun to me! Does it to you?

  4. snideinplainsight

    Also, that should be

    “Don’t you touch me, you gay liberal homosexual, Sir!”

  5. Prommie

    Nobody could have predicted that Army Generals can be arrogant assholes who occasionally need to be put in their fucking place by a Democratic president that they think they can push around. Somebody give Hopey McUnicorn a Truman biography, please, and maybe a McArthur biography, or better yet, someone email him links to the Wiki pages.

  6. bfstevie

    No matter how awesome the article may be it won’t come close to what Dr. Thompson would have done with it. Like the part where the general takes ibogaine. HST was the Jim Newell of the Rolling Stone. Except not a ginger.

  7. x111e7thst

    [re=603793]Katydid[/re]: I got a freaky ole lady name a cocaine Katy.
    (sorry sorry couldn’t resist)

  8. FlownOver

    [re=603797]snideinplainsight[/re]: Was that “walk around the yard,” or “walk around hard?” Because either one would be a hoot if there’s video.

  9. norbizness

    “Just because I’m a resentful jerkoff who’s at incompetent at everything apart from covering up the death of Pat Tillman, you wanna FIRE me?”

  10. Baldar T Flagass

    “Your mission is to proceed up to Nung river in a Navy
    patrol boat. Pick up General McChrystal’s path at Nu Mung Ba,
    follow it, learn what you can along the way. When you find
    the general infiltrate his team by whatever means available and
    terminate the general’s command.”

  11. slappypaddy

    it’s time to start bringing troops home from afghanistan. it’ll be a top-down operation, starting with stanley. he is to be assigned to spend more time with his family (assuming he has one). it will be a permanent assignment, nothing too taxing for an old soldier who has traveled his one bridge too far.

    everybody wants to be a fucking celebrity anymore. whatever happened to shutting up and doing the job?

  12. harry palmer

    Like with the banking fiasco, Barry defers to assholes who created the mess and hate his guts. Great recipe for success!

  13. bfstevie

    [re=603805]Prommie[/re]: Muskie took it. Thompson reported it. For decades after the Thompson reference I could find almost nothing about ibogaine anywhere. In the years before the intertubes I used to search the medical databases. You don’t have, any ibogaine, do you? Sure do wish we had some now.

  14. chaste everywhere

    ” . . . and the actual paper magazine isn’t on newsstands yet, and probably won’t be until everyone has lost interest in this story!”

    Which makes this story different from every other story in the history of Rolling Stone how, exactly?

  15. SayItWithWookies

    Some generals have been assholes for so long that they can’t pass up the opportunity even when it’s not in their best interests — and the military has clearly been dragging their feet when it comes to working with President Obama — a year to study the repercussions of DADT repeal? Come the hell on. Never leaving Iraq? Bullshit — Barry’s gotta tell them forget your hope that some evil shit will be elected in 2012 and do what the fuck I tell you to do. Period.

  16. Potater

    [re=603797]snideinplainsight[/re]: I read greased pole, twenty, and walk around the hard. I need a ciggy.

  17. lochnessmonster

    Why is Iceland always sticking it’s nose in our military? If it hadn’t been for that demon volcanoe spewing ash into the air, they wouldn’t have been stuck in Germany going on drinking binges with the reporter.

  18. snideinplainsight

    [re=603819]Potater[/re]: yard – walking around the yard, I meant. The greased pole is a reference to the thing they do with freshman at Annapolis, for some reason was deemed to be too dangerous this year and there was a big fussing among the alumni about it. If you live around DC, you hear these kinds of things -

  19. harry palmer

    [re=603818]SayItWithWookies[/re]: “Barry’s gotta tell them forget your hope that some evil shit will be elected in 2012 and do what the fuck I tell you to do. Period.”

    Like Betrayus (and in the fine tradition of MacArthur)they’re a bunch of whiny prima donnas who think they know better than their elected superiors (particularly when they didn’t vote for them) and only defer to them when forced to. But aside from that, they’re all about duty and honor.

  20. V572625694

    McCrystal-Meth’s apology is a classic of the non-apology-apology mode:

    “‘I extend my sincerest apology for this profile,’ McChrystal said in a statement issued Tuesday morning. ‘It was a mistake reflecting poor judgment and it should have never happened.’”

    So, the profile was a mistake resulting from someone’s poor judgment, possibly Jann Wenner’s, but apparently not General I-Got-a-Tongue-Bath-on-60-Minutes. And all the trash he talked was apparently sincere, because he didn’t retract a word of it.

    Sweet guy! He’d better keep his eyes peeled for “errant” HELLFIRE missiles. It’s easy to make a mistake with those things!

  21. V572625694

    [re=603818]SayItWithWookies[/re]: As with Clinton, Barry would’ve benefited from six months active duty as a reservist, where he might’ve gotten a better understanding of what “commander-in-chief” means. Yes they threaten to quit if you slap their wrists. But there’re a hundred more in line behind ‘em, each more ambitious and ready to toady than the last.

  22. PsycGirl

    [re=603817]chaste everywhere[/re]: Rolling Stone is working on reducing that problem by putting pix of an almost-naked-but-for-”machine guns” Lady Gaga

  23. ManchuCandidate

    McChrystal has a lot of ‘splaining to do. The type of folks who usually end up as staff officers aka general ball handlers and pooper scoopers are usually the ultra ambitious bitchy anal chameleon types who take on the characteristics of their dear leader.

  24. WadISay

    If McChrystal brings the same genius to warfighting as he does to his personal PR and staff management, we’re all screwed.

  25. nappyduggs

    It is difficult to impress a man who drinks only rainwater, distilled water, or pure grain alcohol.

  26. you didn't ask, but

    Leave Barry *alone*! (sniff!)

    [re=603809]slappypaddy[/re]: everybody wants to be a fucking celebrity anymore. whatever happened to shutting up and doing the job?

    Also, stop being a fucking douche whiney baby, too. Stoicism, motherfucker: “…the Stoics presented their philosophy as a way of life, and they thought that the best indication of an individual’s philosophy was not what a person said but how he behaved.” (Wiki)

    [re=603806]norbizness[/re]: word!

  27. McDuff

    “One aide calls Jim Jones, a retired four-star general and veteran of the Cold War, a ‘clown’ who remains ‘stuck in 1985.’”

    Don’t these young whipper-snapper Captains know who was President in 1985? Ronald Wilson Reagan, PBUH, that’s who. Have they no respect for Jones, a man who stood just feet away from St. Ronald on several occassions? Isn’t the Republican Party trying to return the entire Nation to the party’s 1985 glory days? Could I go on for another three paragraphs asking loaded questions like Fox News? You betcha, also!!!

  28. actor212

    McChrystal looks the part of a tight-assed Army general. Perhaps his late-night warm showers with Rumsfeld paid off.

  29. notreallyhelping

    “Uh…General, we’ve…uh…reconsidered your talents, and have found an assignment that we feel better suits your skill sets. Do you, by chance, speak any Korean?”

  30. harry palmer

    [re=603827]V572625694[/re]: Any politician who hasn’t served either has an inferiority complex about it, or is viewed by the military as their inferior, or both in our military-glorifying culture. I don’t think Obama needs a better understanding of what “commander-in-chief” means, just the balls to pull rank on his “advisors,” and deal vigorously with insubordination. Then, as you say, most of these toadying authoritarians will get in line tout de suite. But Barry only makes real threats to the Jonas brothers.

  31. user-of-owls

    [re=603807]Baldar T Flagass[/re]: Great, now all I can think of is Rahm whispering in Barry’s ear:
    He’s out there operating without any decent restraint, totally beyond the pale of any acceptable human conduct. And he is still in the field commanding troops.

  32. SayItWithWookies

    [re=603825]V572625694[/re]: No, that someone who f*cked up is apparently the PR guy who arranged the interview. He resigned. That’s accountability among the mandarins for you.

  33. TGY

    It seems to mostly be just a big workplace clash of personalities

    Never have so few ranted so much about so little. So stupidly.

  34. PlanetWingnuta

    Is Obama saying in that pic, “look at this hand…if you fuck up one more time…i will snap your bony neck Chicago Style…got me?”

  35. Oldskool

    This will only turn out right if the Genral holds a news conference tomorrow sporting a black eye and shaky voice with Barry standing behind him, cig dangling from his mouth.

  36. weejee

    [re=603841]SayItWithWookies[/re]: That’s why McChrystal hired Tim James. Makes sense to Stan, how about you?

  37. Geogre

    Ah, generals acting like macho dickheads. That always plays well.

    Acting like partisan, macho dickheads is even better, and chauvinistic (French word: true story) partisan, macho dickheads is simply the best. Now he’s going to be all Zen warrior as he auditions for the cross he’s been building for himself. His friends from the last administration will be sure that he’s comfortable, well fed, and transported in first class style while on tour while on it.

    See North, Ollie.

  38. McDuff

    Nome, Alaska, News-Herald, July 7, 2010:

    Nome’s Joint Command Weather Station Gets New Leader — Gen. Stanley McChrystal arrived in Nome late last night with little ceremoney to take command of the 5-person military weather station located next to the Nome community dump. McChrystal, recently U.S. commander in Afghanistan, had no comment on his new assignment.

    Former governor Sarah Palin, commenting via Twitter from her temporary home in Iowa, welcomed McChrystal to Alaska and “hoped he’d get the change to shoot some wolves from a helicopter” while he was in “our great, energy-producing State of Alaska, but with no oil on our fish, ya know, also.”

  39. chaste everywhere

    [re=603834]PsycGirl[/re]: I’m doing everything in my power (which is almost nothing) to control my quivering.

  40. Panquake

    It’s almost as if the generals know where the real power is, and who the real boss is.

    ……….

  41. snideinplainsight

    Lucky for the General, the NYTimes references an article today highlighting the avantages of being a castratti;

    “The peasant and laboring classes—particularly in rural areas—were often faced with no means of subsistence. In a society where the church provided an immense amount of employment, [singing] was a very good means to make a living. [Castrated boys] did pretty well as compared to siblings who had nothing,” [etc.]

  42. snideinplainsight

    Barry: “See, I’ll keep them right in this desk drawer, next to Saddam’s pistol.”

  43. Pandy

    [re=603838]harry palmer[/re]: Our last president didn’t really either but he got their respect.

  44. Come here a minute

    Yes, please extensively fire McASStle. (Wow — I can do it too — that was fun!)

  45. Katydid

    [re=603814]bfstevie[/re]: Hands off, Prommie’s mine! Prommie’s stalking Sara Benincasa, and I’m stalking Prommie. This will turn out well.

  46. thefrontpage

    Why on earth would a military commander in Afghsnistan give an interview to Rolling Stone magazine?

    Why would a top military commander criticize the President of the United States, who is your Commander in Chief—who is your boss, literally?

    Why would anyone in any military office anywhere give an interview on anything to Rolling Stone–that’s not a cut at Rolling Stone, which is a great magazine, but actually a compliment. Because Rolling Stone is a liberal left magazine which is very criticial, rightfully so, of all things military, and which asks critical, hard-hitting questions about the military, and which has a good, solid history of hard-hitting questions, interviews and stories about the military.

    Really–are military commander so hard up for attention that they have to stupidly mouth off to a rock magazine?

    People: Just how stupid, just how incredibly ignorant, and just how dumb can you all be?

    The only answer for all of this is just plain STUPIDITY.

  47. Mista Eko

    Dear Obama, I wrote you but you still ain’t callin
    I left the sattellite feed relay at the bottom
    We discussed strategy back in autumn
    Those extra troops, I got ‘em
    But it still seems like there’s a problem
    In the mountain ranges or somethin
    Sometimes the guys rejoin the Taliban
    Even after we’ve bought em
    But anyways, fuck it, what’s up man, how’s your daughters?
    My wife and I we know how hard it is to be a father
    I got a son, but if i get a girl guess what I’ll call her?
    I’m a name her Joan.
    Man, about that Rolling Stone thing, I’m sorry
    And about that Tillman thing where his unit didn’t want him
    I know you hear this every day, but why are there drones in Pakistan?
    I even got that underground shit we’re doing with the Waziri clans
    I know Biden is funny, but the guy freaks me out, man.
    I like what you did with Health Care, that shit was fat.
    Anyways, I hope you get this man, just hit me back to chat
    Truly yours, Hillary’s Biggest Fan,
    This is Stan (McCrystal)

  48. An Outhouse

    [re=603795]TheGryphon[/re]: “What is “slipknot”? ”

    A Grateful Dead tune originally on the ‘Blues for Allah’ recording.Yes, the Dead were way a head of their time with the whole allah akbar thing.

  49. hoosiermama

    I got nothing to say about stupid old General Bonehead but let me say this about Rolling Stone: I got a Run D.M.C. totebag from the Walmart that had a free subscription card to Rolling Stone but the card expired already by the time I bought the bag on clearance but I sent the card anyway and those toads better send my DH a free subscription to Rolling Stone anyhow so he can keep up with third eye blind news. That is all.

  50. proudgrampa

    [re=603802]bfstevie[/re]: I agree. Hunter would have had a ball with this.

    Done too soon.

  51. Prommie

    [re=603910]Katydid[/re]: I love you too. Let us all retire to one huge bed and form a puppy-pile. As long as everyone but me is female, that is.

  52. populucious

    The worst part of this story is how smug righteous Rolling Stone, already simply drowning in smug righteousness and generally high off its own funk, is going to be after causing all this kerfuffle.

  53. Gorillionaire

    My guess is that wingtard radio today is totally aghast at this insubordination and the intolerable disrespect to the commander in chief. HEE HEE HA HA HO HO.

  54. chascates

    [re=603972]Gorillionaire[/re]: Short-Timer David Obey wants ‘Reckless, Renegade’ McChrystal to resign. That alone will bring out teh crazees. Tonight Glenn Beck will probably have some sort of chalk talk on how this is actually a planned coup to take out the top military brass and have George Soros run the Pentagon. Into the ground.

  55. sati demise

    yea, but McChrystal et al have an excuse since everyone knows no one but the dirty fucking hippies read Rolling Stone Mag.

    So they were trying to look all radical an shit, thinking they were reaching out to teh Ozzy Osbourn faction.

    [re=603956]populucious[/re]:
    except for the fact that Rolling Stone has somehow morphed into one of the best investigative journalism rags in this 21st century

  56. GOPCrusher

    [re=603956]populucious[/re]: Agreed. Rolling Stone is a rag. Over the years I’ve found it best to avoid anything they proclaim as “good”.
    But, talking trash about your boss in public, has never proven to be a sound way to career advancement, especially for military personnel.

  57. Katydid

    [re=603953]Prommie[/re]: ::looks down::

    Yep, I’m female. Puppy pile! I’ll even go a little gay for Sara Benincasa, she’s so hot.

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