KILL ALL THE ANIMALS  2:50 pm June 21, 2010

Why Is Allah Killing Us With His Wild Beasts?

by Ken Layne

The important part is 'Bible ignored.' It's the start of every headline here!
When a captive killer whale went nuts and killed its trainer at the Sea World a few months back, theologians from the American Family Association noted that this tragedy occurred because the aquatic-attractions horror park failed to murder the Orca after it killed its first victim, as the Old Testament instructed. Maybe? Or maybe don’t seize 12,000-pound predators from the sea and put them in a swimming pool surrounded by bleachers filled with screeching fat children and then expect the marine monsters to routinely dance in a crazy way to the hip-hop or whatever; we are not theologians we can’t say for sure. But now, the same AFA nutball is back with more Old Testament wildlife-management advice. That guy killed by an angry Grizzly Bear at Yellowstone? Yep, it’s all because of not following ancient religious scrolls.

History reveals that God’s covenant with an ancient nation suggests that one of the consequences for a nation which walks in his statues is that it will have nothing to fear from wild animals. “If you walk in my statutes…I will remove harmful beasts from the land” (Lev. 26:3,6).

On the other hand, “[I]f you will not listen to me and will not do all these commandments…I will let loose the wild beasts against you” (Lev. 26:14,22).

A wholly preventable tragedy occurred outside Yellowstone National Park last week as a bear that only hours before had been trapped and tranquilized by researchers woke up from his induced slumber just in time to maul a 70-year old man who was out for a stroll.

Uhh, okay? Or maybe the guy wandered right into a closed, signed area knowing there was a pissed-off griz rampaging through the area. The AP had this slightly less biblical version of the facts:

The area had been closed as a public safety precaution until it could be determined that the bear involved in the mauling was either not a threat or dead.

Friends and wildlife officials have said that Evert, a botanist who owned a cabin at Kitty Creek, was well aware of the risks of entering the capture area, but that he was curious about work being done there, and ignored verbal and posted warnings.

It is sad that the bear killed the man. And it is sad that the Forest Service then killed the grizzly. OR WHAT WE MEAN IS, if only we worshiped the ancient Hebrew superstitions of Leviticus a little more than is currently socially acceptable, Jebus would make all the predators be totally docile. And then we’d kill the rest of them, for just standing there like idiots, the same way we killed off every other American species known for standing still. [Bible Blog via Right Wing Watch]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 66 comments }

JMP June 21, 2010 at 2:57 pm

The AFA folks need to lead by example; they should prove how living according to their superman’s commands will make him use his magic powers to protect people from hungry beasts by say breaking in to the lion pen at the zoo.

Holy Cow!! June 21, 2010 at 2:58 pm

So they are saying that God doesn’t love America?

SmutBoffin June 21, 2010 at 2:58 pm

Oil spills…grizzly bears…gay folks…

Is there anything you can’t pray away?

norbizness June 21, 2010 at 2:58 pm

And now we have live footage of the incident in question, if by live you mean from a terrible 1979 horror movie.

Clancy_Pants June 21, 2010 at 2:59 pm

Does this have anything to do with those old “does a Bear shit in the forest, is the Pope is Catholic” questions?

Monsieur Grumpe June 21, 2010 at 3:02 pm

I always root for the bull in bullfights.

Pat Pending June 21, 2010 at 3:03 pm

[re=603264]SmutBoffin[/re]: hmmm… some gays are bears. So it would figure that some bears are gay. Is the message of Leviticus that we should kill all gay bears?

The Unfairman June 21, 2010 at 3:04 pm

Hmm…where exactly are these Jesus statues that the article quoted? Does it mean we have to go to Rio and stand behind that big statue so bears don’t think we’re yummy?

Love,

Unfairman

“Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand”

WIDTAP June 21, 2010 at 3:05 pm

I think the rule may only apply to wild snakes. At least that’s the way it seeme tyo me at the last tent revival.

Oldskool June 21, 2010 at 3:07 pm

They should smite whoever came up with the name Kitty Creek. It could lead anyone to believe the animals there are nice.

NopantsMcGee June 21, 2010 at 3:09 pm

[re=603270]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]:

Me too. I also root for the bulls in those stupid bull-riding competitions.

Chain Tattoo June 21, 2010 at 3:09 pm

What does Leviticus have to say about furries?

Dolmance June 21, 2010 at 3:11 pm

Every time you selfishly engage in anal sex, a dear old man is mauled to death by a bear.

proudgrampa June 21, 2010 at 3:11 pm

Evert was a stupid fuck. Whyinhell are we shooting the bear???

mumblyjoe June 21, 2010 at 3:11 pm

To be fair, this isn’t the first time an angry Space-Gandalf has sent bears to kill those who displease him. However, I thought he typically reserved death-by-surprise-bear-attack for children who disrespected the Olds. Killing an Old with bears doesn’t really fit with Space-Gandalf’s MO, there.

Unless, of course, we’re just to assume that Space-Gandalf’s preferred method of dealing with everybody is to have them mauled by bears, like a calling-card. In which case, since he’s omnipotent and omnipresent, these guys are right, and we should assume that all bear attacks ever are the doing of Space-Gandalf, who, himself being an anger-bear, is angry all the time, at everyone.

MOG June 21, 2010 at 3:15 pm

I believe the Lord would like you to use your words (he did after all make you capable of reading) by honoring the sign, “STAY OUT OF HERE, THERE ARE VERY CRANKY BEARS”. Or something to that effect. There’s going to be a whole lot of smiting going on.

JoeCool BigPecker June 21, 2010 at 3:18 pm

Yeah Man bears will fucking kill your ass for sure. Fucking Goddamn Noah’s pussy ass.

mumblyjoe June 21, 2010 at 3:18 pm

[re=603262]JMP[/re]: You know, this is kinda the obvious question. If Jeebus protects people from wild, hungry beasts, where was their Jeebus back in the day, when the Romans were cold feeding them all to lions, for the lulz? Maybe it’s just me, but if you’re going to claim to have the Power of Heart, wouldn’t a much clearer way to let people know that be to protect your followers from being eaten by lions for entertainment? Instead of, you know, randomly killing an old guy via bear attack for no particular reason whatsoever?

PhineusJWhoopee June 21, 2010 at 3:19 pm

You can have my shrimp when you pry them from my cold, dead hands.

ed

legalize everything June 21, 2010 at 3:20 pm

[re=603263]Holy Cow!![/re]: I think they’re saying God doesn’t love America because of people like YOU! Why do Wonketters want old men to be mauled by grizzly bears?

ManchuCandidate June 21, 2010 at 3:21 pm

In the bible, being stupid and ignoring warnings isn’t a sin. It’s more a curse really.

nappyduggs June 21, 2010 at 3:23 pm

The Levites notwithstanding, why is that humans routinely forget that they too are made of meat? Present yourself as an entree, and you will get served.

That is all.

TJBeck June 21, 2010 at 3:23 pm

Well, God must love Hong Kong or Chinese commies because he now done made the Swine Flu/Pig AIDS jump back to pigs (those dirty beasts) – http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2010/06/swine-flu-evolves/

Jim89048 June 21, 2010 at 3:25 pm

The only wild beastwildebeest acceptable to them would be K-Lo.

Come here a minute June 21, 2010 at 3:26 pm

Bible ignored, meek do not inherit anything.

TGY June 21, 2010 at 3:26 pm

Did Jonah choke the whale that swallowed him? Did Daniel bite the lions in their den, giving them septicemia? I tell you, the Bible is soft on predators.

JMP June 21, 2010 at 3:27 pm

[re=603288]mumblyjoe[/re]: Heart’s a pretty useless power anyway:
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/WhatKindOfLamePowerIsHeartAnyway

But if god really wanted to show his power, instead of having an old eaten by bears in an area of the park filled with lots of wild bears, he should have had eaten by another killer whale, and maybe have the bears eat someone in the middle of the ocean. That would be more impressive.

Radiotherapy June 21, 2010 at 3:32 pm

When I need a biological description of Sand Grizzlies and Mammals d’Mer Grande, the fucking bible is my go to.

And a small rant: Whenever these bible beaters throw the 10 Commandments crap out, how sweet it is to point out that maybe, maybe three of them have any legal or moral validity. 3 out of 10 ain’t bad, I guess. Allah Akbar.

Jim89048 June 21, 2010 at 3:32 pm

[re=603302]JMP[/re]: So plug the oil hole with bears, then?

weejee June 21, 2010 at 3:33 pm

Maybe he just wanted a good bear hug, followed the Book of Lascivious instead of the Levi Strauss stuff, but the bear was a Jebus bear and wasn’t into that librual kinky shit.

BlueStateLiberal June 21, 2010 at 3:34 pm

It’s like Sarah Palin said, God wouldn’t have made animals so tasty if he didn’t want us to eat them. Except she forgot the part where the animals think the same thing about us.

oldguy June 21, 2010 at 3:36 pm

[re=603266]norbizness[/re]: Thank you, thank you, thank you.

SayItWithWookies June 21, 2010 at 3:40 pm

Clearly the guy is right and we need more theologians making our laws to protect us from bears and meteors. You don’t see anyone in the faith-based nation of Iran getting mauled by bears or hit by meteors, do you? Now don’t you wish America loved Jesus like Iran does?

Tommmcatt June 21, 2010 at 3:40 pm

[re=603264]SmutBoffin[/re]:

Obesity, apparently.

Escape Goat Nation June 21, 2010 at 3:41 pm

Ok, you wanna know what really pisses me off?
Well I’ll tell you anyway.
Stupid Motherfuckers that think having a pet Monkey is cute and a swell idea.
Yeah, having a pet that’s as smart and as curious as a Human two year old, oh and did I mention as strong as two Men that can…well…jump and climb like a Monkey is a brilliant fucking idea.

What could possibly go wrong with having a pet that could rip your arms off and beat you with them because he’s upset that you haven’t fed him yet this morning.

Rotundo June 21, 2010 at 3:41 pm

Let he who is without sin, be spat out by bears as yucky. For verily, he is tasteless. St. Pauls’ letter to the brobdignagians chapter one verse three and four.

MarieDeGournay June 21, 2010 at 3:41 pm

[re=603266]norbizness[/re]: Double thank you. I can only hope and pray I go out as hilariously.

snoidoid June 21, 2010 at 3:42 pm

[re=603264]SmutBoffin[/re]: I’ll tell you one thing you can’t pray away, and that’s religious fanatics. God knows I’ve tried.

Prommie June 21, 2010 at 3:43 pm

Fucked Country: Example no. 5,782.

freeradical June 21, 2010 at 3:47 pm

Or, when you need some she bears to kick some kids’ asses when they call you bald, the LORD will be with you!

http://bible.org/seriespage/elisha-and-two-bears-2-kings-223-25

JMP June 21, 2010 at 3:51 pm

[re=603315]Escape Goat Nation[/re]: Smart animals in general do not make very good pets. Parrots are known to trash their houses if bored (and there’s the question of what to do with an animal that has twice the lifespan of humans), and there have been numerous instances of aquarium octopus escaping their tanks to eat some of the other creatures.

freeradical June 21, 2010 at 3:52 pm

[re=603284]mumblyjoe[/re]: sorry, Mumbly, didn’t see that you had posted on the awesomeness of the bible’s she-bear fetish. Yup, that is a god I can BELIEVE in!

chaste everywhere June 21, 2010 at 3:55 pm

[re=603275]Oldskool[/re]: I propose Pussy Creek, which ain’t gonna confuse nobody.

[re=603282]Dolmance[/re]: Does hetero anal count? (Probly not, ’cause Leviticus said if you lie with a man as with a woman but forgot to mention if you lie with a woman as with a man. Or something.)

[re=603315]Escape Goat Nation[/re]: I agree, but . . . are you speaking (not, presumably, typing) from personal excruciance?

chascates June 21, 2010 at 4:02 pm

Mama Grizzlies Gone Wild!

Johnny Zhivago June 21, 2010 at 4:10 pm

I like my grizzly next to the mashed potatoes.

mumblyjoe June 21, 2010 at 4:10 pm

[re=603302]JMP[/re]: Ugh, do not even get me started on Captain Planet. It was sooo annoying to me that they always gave Wheeler the Idiot Ball, when 90% of the problems they faced could be easily and quickly solved, just by letting him incerate the bad guys. Or, often, in PG ways, also.

But nooo, instead, it always had to be Kwame/Linka/Ma-Ti who rode in to the rescue, and whenever Wheeler tried doing something, it always made things worse. I always figured this said a lot about the writers’ politics. I mean, look: I’m not saying that the Captain Planet writers loved the Soviet Union, I’m just using paralipsis to suggest that that’s the only reasonable thing to conclude from how overpowered they made the Wind power.

Wow, that was a terrible rant about the television of my early childhood. I feel like I owe everyone here an apology for that.

Alaska Girl June 21, 2010 at 4:11 pm

Now to commune with the bears, does EVERYBODY have to drink the Leviticus Kool-Aid or does it work on an individual basis? Just ask’n since there’s a 700-800 pound brown bear rooting through my trash and I’m wondering if I can get one of these AFA folks to ask Mr. Bear to kindly leave.

Mad Brahms June 21, 2010 at 4:11 pm

“Walks in his statues”? What kind of Dada Bible are these people using?

Dolmance June 21, 2010 at 4:12 pm

[re=603339]chaste everywhere[/re]: Of course selfishly having heterosexual anal sex counts. Just ask all the dear old men who’ve been eaten by fucking bears. Oh, wait… They can’t talk, because they’re dead.

mumblyjoe June 21, 2010 at 4:12 pm

[re=603335]JMP[/re]: To eat SHARKS, no less. My college Bio department made a T-shirt in honor of the magnificant bastard of the sea.

Escape Goat Nation June 21, 2010 at 4:13 pm

[re=603339]chaste everywhere[/re]: I have not learned that word, but if you mean that I had a pet monkey that chewed my face off or had a friend that was beaten to death by their own arms, by a Monkey, that did the arm ripping off…no I am not.

I just see on the TeeVee and the whatnot of plenty of instances of people either desiring a pet Monkey or actually having a pet Monkey. Which is a most ill-conceived and brainless idea.

Doglessliberal June 21, 2010 at 4:23 pm

[re=603358]Alaska Girl[/re]: Sarah can pray him away, maybe?

jus_wonderin June 21, 2010 at 4:26 pm

An old man, a grizzly and a killer whale walk into a bar…

Ducksworthy June 21, 2010 at 4:28 pm

[re=603369]Doglessliberal[/re]: Or threaten to mate with him, which might be more effective, as she is a mamma grizzly, also.

JMP June 21, 2010 at 4:30 pm

[re=603363]Escape Goat Nation[/re]: It’s a brainless enough idea that they had to get rid of the pet monkey on Friends because none of the human actors could stand working with the thing.

trondant June 21, 2010 at 4:31 pm

What hypocrites. These AFA fuckers didn’t say shit when Gerald Ford was devoured by wolves.

JohnnyMeatworth June 21, 2010 at 5:02 pm

It’s Mike Huckabee in his Furry costume: kill him immediately!

chaste everywhere June 21, 2010 at 5:12 pm

[re=603363]Escape Goat Nation[/re]: I made up excruciance on the spot in a neologistic attempt to combine “excruciating” with “experience.” But I’m relieved it never happened to you. Me neither.

[re=603379]JMP[/re]: Plus the monkey insisted on a million bucks an ep, same as the humanoids.

Naked Bunny with a Whip June 21, 2010 at 6:13 pm

It’s true, y’know. Bears didn’t even have teeth and claws before the 1950s.

snideinplainsight June 21, 2010 at 11:11 pm

Leviticus 18:22 ‘You shall not lie with a bear as one lies with a female; it is an abomination.’

DoktorZoom June 22, 2010 at 1:27 am

[re=603621]snideinplainsight[/re]: Uh-oh. That means George Washington went to hell.

lawrenceofthedesert June 22, 2010 at 4:26 am

This ridiculous story reminds me of the old joke about the Texan in Alaska that ends, “Now where’s that Eskimo you want me to kill?” Evert will enter the same rung of Hades as the out of work actor who pestered grizzlies in Alaska until they ate him and his girlfriend.

personman June 22, 2010 at 11:30 am

I love when you talk about religion. Wonkette should have a regular religious column.

GOPCrusher June 22, 2010 at 12:28 pm

[re=603662]DoktorZoom[/re]: I thought Daniel Boone was a notorious bear fucker.

bopumofu June 22, 2010 at 12:38 pm

The lambs with wolves shall graze the verdant mead,
And boys in flow’ry bands the tiger lead;
The steer and lion at one crib shall meet,
And harmless serpents lick he pilgrim’s feet.
The smiling infant in his hand shall take
The crested basilisk and speckled snake,
Pleased the green luster of the scales survey,
And with their forky tongues shall innocently play.

Chilli June 22, 2010 at 9:35 pm

Curious how you ignore that a substantial portion of the Old Testament is actually composed of the Talmud, i.e., the wacko religious prescriptions you are attributing to Fundamentalist Christianity are actually Judaic. Now, if you had dared to make the argument that such Fundamentalist Christians are de facto Jewish, and had then drawn a connection between that and a proclivity for vengeful, eye-for-an-eye action, that would have made for a far more interesting article — but one you probably wouldn’t have dared print. Of course, most of the denizens of our so-called “Christian nation” won’t even turn-the-other-cheek for human killers (witness the current imbroglio in the Middle East), so it is probably a bit unreasonable to expect them to extend a more Christian approach to animals.

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