Popular E.B. White periodical The New Yorker has a lengthy profile on our future president, popular New Yorker and teevee personality Mike Huckabee. Our Man from Hope opens up about Jews and gays and elitists, among other New Yorker readers, so certainly he would say nothing those groups would object to, right?
“I worship a Jew!” Huckabee said. “I have a lot of Jewish friends, and they’re kind of, like, ‘You evangelicals love Israel more than we do.’”
How much does he love Israel? He just wears yarmulkes around for kicks.
“I think what I should do is convert,” Huckabee said, squinting in the sunshine. “This covers my bald spot completely.”
Yep, you should definitely convert. Your denial of Jesus as the messiah would not turn away most or all of the people who buy your books and vote for you in straw polls. Then Huckabee is asked about the grossness of the gays, and Huckabee is like, oh, I want to be on the blogs.
Huckabee does deviate from Party orthodoxy on some issues. But what makes him even less predictable as a politician is his sense of humor. At times, he seems unable to resist the force of his own funniness. I joked with him once that I would write about his (fictitious) affair with Nancy Pelosi. He e-mailed back, “The only thing worse than a torrid affair with sweet, sweet Nancy would be a torrid affair with Helen Thomas. If those were my only options, I’d probably be FOR same-sex marriage!”
He loves his wife and would never have an affair, but if he had to be gay, same-sex marriage would have to be legalized, because Mike Huckabee can’t not be married, because it’s evil to not be married. But it’s also evil to be gay. But being gay is less evil than liberals and those who hate Israel, at least in jokes. And jokes aren’t evil because they let you say what you really want to say, such as cocks and wanting to suck them. But again, wanting to suck cocks is repulsive unless it’s a joke. Or unless you’re a woman, and Mike Huckabee would never want to be a woman, except in jokes. But even women shouldn’t like cocks too much because of marriage. And marriage can’t happen between gays, except in jokes, because it would violate the fantasy Constitution in Mike Huckabee’s head, the one that has an amendment prohibiting gay marriage.
He has called homosexuality “sinful and unnatural” and is fond of amusing audiences with the witticism “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”
But more importantly, science: “startling studies” prove to Huckabee that monogamous marriage ends poverty. So, to end poverty, we need to make everyone straight. Not educate everyone or make everyone white, as others would have you believe. [New Yorker]
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Making mean jokes about not wanting to fuck gross old ladies isn’t going to help him with the gross old lady vote.
Huckabee loves Israel so much he wants it to be the starting point for the end of the world, during which all the people of Israel will he believes be killed. How nice.
Note to the New Yorker: the word “witticism” implies wit, not a trite unfunny dumb rhyme that’s been repeated over and over again by bigots.
and if he was gay…who would marry him…not I!!!!!
I hope some idiot reporter has the nerve to call Pelosi for comment so she can say,
“Huckabee. He’s that old loser who weighs 400 pounds, right?”
But more importantly, science: “startling studies” prove to Huckabee that monogamous marriage ends poverty.
The startling part was that these were studies of omega-3 fatty acids, cosmic rays emitted from solar flares and transference in mitochondrial DNA. What wasn’t startling is that Huckabee managed to get whatever conclusion he wanted out of them.
Slappa de bass mon.
Preferably with Skynyrd again, god damn sonabitch.
“the witticism ‘It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.’”
If the New Yorker thinks that is a witticism, Tina Brown should just step down now.
If Hike Muckabee were my only option I’d be against same-sex marriage.
[re=603321]JMP[/re]: oops, you beat me to it, but great minds read teh Wonkette together, or something like that.
Ha ha, he would not have sex with certain ladies, I am rolling on the floor dying with laughter, and he worships a Jew, such brilliant insight, him and Sarah Palin should get married.
You know, that Adam and Steve thing is perhaps the best way to convince me that you are completely fucking clueless and your head is as far up your ass as your shoulders will permit.
Think about it for just a second. Citing imaginary people who were not traditionally in the popular imagination/ story book called the Bible imagined as a same-sex couple. THIS is your argument for DENYING the essential humanity of real people.
[re=603327]Doglessliberal[/re]: She did, years ago.
Also from the article, Huckabee talks about how his fellow republican candidates treated him during the primaries.
*****************
What bothered me more than anything was the disdain that I experienced from the élites: ‘Oohhhh, who does Huckabee think he is, speaking about the economy,’ ” he said, in an accent meant to suggest aristocracy. “They treated me like a total hick,” he added. “A complete, uneducated, unprepared hick.”
*****************
And some of my best friends are fuckstick christards.
[re=603333]the problem child[/re]: Hey, it’s Ernie and Bert, not Ernie and Gert.
[re=603334]the problem child[/re]: Jesus Christ on a crutch. I knew that. I GET the New Yorker. I wonder if I have Alzheimer’s or was just stunned stupid reading Huckabee’s witticisms?
“Huckabee tells a story about the time his son John Mark baked a cake. The boy didn’t know what a dash of salt was, so he added a cup to the batter, and the cake was inedible. This, Huckabee asserts, is what happens when human beings come up with their own measures of right and wrong, instead of following the Bible’s.”
No, this is what happens when there’s too much inbreeding in the back woods of Arkansas, you get retarded children.
Adam and Eve were married?
He loves the Jews so much, he appears to have eaten (at least) one.
Do you think Chunkabee realizes that the Left Behind tractor beams have a fucking size limit?
Whenever the father of a serial killer opines on his desire to festoon his shiny with a yarmulke, it feels a little more like Christmas.
[re=603346]Scaggsville guy[/re]: the Bible is a cookbook? Well, hell, that changes everything.
What’s Mike doin’ with the little double ought gheetur, he plays bass?
Well he could play a six string thingy, but why the little 00? Is it the dreaded tummy problem? An electric base is thin, so he can still play & be a full-figured ‘Merican. Maybe too much a depth problem with a dreadnought or 000 and his waistline? With those deeper axes he can’t reach around the guitar and hiz gut to get to teh strings. Never mind.
“It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”
Which is a sure-fire knee slapper among backwoods snake handlers who spend their busy morning drinking Jack Daniels from coffee mugs, brainstorming insurance scams, feuding with the McCoys and just basically making the Kardashians look like the Kennedys.
[re=603355]Doglessliberal[/re]: Well, some of them do run around slapping pieces of jesus-flesh into peoples’ mouths pretty much constantly. But as far as recipes go, it’s a shitty book. Can’t they marinate the son of god overnight, just once?
Adam left that nag Eve for Steve.
“…is fond of amusing audiences with the witticism “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”
”
I’ll bet he’s got a whole bunch of “knock knock” jokes ready for the appropriate moment, since those never get old either.
[re=603367]trondant[/re]: they can talk to Lot if they run out of salt for the marinade, too.
[re=603327]Doglessliberal[/re]: Ummm…..
[re=603346]Scaggsville guy[/re]: There’s a bit of irony in a man who’s admitted cooking squirrel in a popcorn popper criticizing someone else’s cooking.
[re=603346]Scaggsville guy[/re]:
Seriously, how stupid wold you have to be not to know that an entire cup of salt would make cake batter taste awful? My five-year-old niece could puzzle that one out.
“He’s incredibly competitive,” Rex Nelson told me. “Never overlook that. If Mike Huckabee were to sit down at this table and play me in a game of checkers, he would beat my brains out.”
Checkers? They couldn’t play Go Fish?
[re=603355]Doglessliberal[/re]: To Serve God?
“…it’s evil to not be married. But it’s also evil to be gay. But being gay is less evil than liberals and those who hate Israel, at least in jokes…” And so forth.
My head hurts. Time to put on my non-thinking cap.
Ahh, that’s better.
Huckabee’s affable persona on the TeeVee screen conceals the distinct possibility that he may very well be the scariest one of the bunch.
you know, if one compresses time such that the geological and biological history of 50 million years fits into 6000, it has to effect your perspective on what is an outdated viewpoint.
[re=603333]the problem child[/re]: [re=603347]Ducksworthy[/re]:
Right, that’s the thing: They were also only common-law married, and Eve is an inexplicably-female clone of Adam. Clearly, if there’s one policy stance that we can take away from the Adam and Eve story, it’s that all men should be allowed to common-law marry their clones, under any and all circumstances.
The boy didn’t know what a dash of salt was, so he added a cup to the batter, and the cake was inedible.
I’ve seen the pictures. They’ve never come across anything they’d consider “inedible”. In fact, if I were the family dog, I’d sleep with one eye open just in case one of them came looking for a midnight snack.
Tip your waitress. I’ll be here all week. It’s in the Bible. And then I’ll be back a week later.
Fat Huck has been on my list of Most Hated Assholes for a long time now. And I really like how this repulsive creature thinks it is “funny” to make “jokes” about the fucking Speaker of The House because he has decided that she is not sexually desirable. That sort of humor will win him lots of votes from all us womenfolk out here!
Did I mention that his pig/man hybrid son tortured and killed a stray dog, just for kicks?
I think there is good evidence to support the idea that Eve did indeed have a strapon in her boxs of tools. Did I spell strapon correctly or is it hymenated? Strap-on?
[re=603389]mumblyjoe[/re]: or, possibly, just possibly, “Compulsary nudity for all”. Also a policy position that one could conclude based on that whole Garden of Eden business.
“I do believe that God created male and female and intended for marriage to be the relationship of the two opposite sexes,” Huckabee said. “Male and female are biologically compatible to have a relationship. We can get into the ick factor, but the fact is two men in a relationship, two women in a relationship, biologically, that doesn’t work the same.”
The lack of self-awareness is amazing. Ick factor? Has he ever looked at the children he and his wife produced? Ick factor?
[re=603333]the problem child[/re]: BUT IT RHYMES.
Doesn’t Mike Huckleberry stay busy enough being irrelevant and playing with his Fatty Bear Jamboree on Fox News? Christ, what’s unnatural is your family portrait looking like a Venn diagram, with all those overlapping circles.
What a dingus.
As the old saw goes,
“Of course it’s not Adam and Steve, it’s Adam and STEVEN, silly.”
[re=603337]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: …in an accent meant to suggest aristocracy.
Maybe when you feel like everyone around you is an elitist, that means you really are a fucking moran hick.
[re=603398]Scaggsville guy[/re]: Maybe he just left off the “d”?
And I definitely get it. For the gays it’s always all about the dick.
[re=603382]Scaggsville guy[/re]: I think you misunderstood. After losing, at checkers, Mike Huckabee would attempt to beat his opponent’s brains out. Rex Nelson must be fat/feeble/slow enough that he’s afraid of Huck succeeding, which ironically points to Rex not having brains to fear for.
Another gem from that interview: “We can get into the ick factor, but the fact is two men in a relationship, two women in a relationship, biologically, that doesn’t work the same.”
Yeah, well, you’re so fucking obese that you probably can’t get it up, let alone physically manuever yourself to be able to insert your member into your wife, yet you don’t see me trying to annul your marriage. And if you want to talk about the “Ick factor” I’d rather see two of your average gay dudes get it on than deal with the mental images of your disgusting self and your drag queen of a wife. And don’t even get me started on how much more I would rather see two women get it on than anything sexual involving Mike Huckabee.
Next in the parade of has-beens, Fred Thompson contemplates his 2012 campaign.
[re=603345]Doglessliberal[/re]: Understandable. I started getting the New Yorker after Tina Brown stepped down.
“I worship a Jew!” Huckabee said.
Mike Huckabee will never win another election in the South again.
[re=603346]Scaggsville guy[/re]: I’m guessing Hucks at the inedible cake anyway.
That Mike…always the joker! Reminds me a lot of a fatter, more cracker-like Lenny Bruce. Wonder if he asked the writer to “pull his finger” during the interview?
I can only make this judgement based on photographic evidence, but I have to say that given the choice between a sweet love making session with either Speaker Pelosi or Mrs. Huckabee, I would pleasure Nancy with a talmudic zeal unseen since the days of “Louie Louie”.
[re=603398]Scaggsville guy[/re]: dammit. your comment was not there before….
The author of this NYer piece is pretty eager to show Hucks as hilarious. If a less editorial position were taken the phrase might be his “desire to be funny” instead of funniness. Although, whoo! that “Adam and Steve” quip is true wit! I can hardly catch my breath from laughing. Where does he get these insanely funny and oh so original witticisms??
ZAMG, does this family even OWN mirrors? Nancy Pelosi looks like Ava Gardner compared to Janet Huckabee.
And don’t get me started on those two boys, Dudley and Cooter.
[re=603393]jus_wonderin[/re]: “…or is it hymenated?”
Interesting little slip, that one.
[re=603389]mumblyjoe[/re]: Renaissance thinkers speculated that they were of different races, too. That explains the variety you see.
[re=603393]jus_wonderin[/re]: Don’t forget the other wife, Lilith.
He is exactly like the bear in “Toy Story 3.”
[re=603322]PlanetWingnuta[/re]: I don’t know. He’s rather charming in that “Oh My God did my 90 year old uncle just say the n word in front of my black neighbor while shitting his pants from eating too much applesauce” kind of way?
Charming man, he is.
[re=603327]Doglessliberal[/re]: Tina is long gone, thank God, from the New Yorker.
[re=603382]Scaggsville guy[/re]: Mike Huckabee is at a table in a four way checkers competition with Nancy Pelosi, Helen Thomas, and Charlie Crist. Who does he wants to beat his brains out?
[re=603423]assistant/atlas[/re]: Shit, like, Mee-ow, man!
Fuck this huck/hick motherfucker. Seriously, go ahead. I wouldn’t fuck him with Rand Paul’s eyeballs, Ron Paul’s teabags, or vagina. Whatever they had available.
[re=603392]MarSF[/re]: Also plus too, what the fuck is it with these tards and the animals? Huck’s kid, Mitten’s rooftop, G Dub with the blowing up frogs, Cheney shooting friends in the face, Sarah and the plane shooting wolves… I’m no vegan but, the fuck?
[re=603343]SayItWithWookies[/re]: that shit was cute.
Huckabee headquarters received an envelope containing a what appeared to be anthrax; luckily, it turned out to be baby powder. The envelope also contained a note: “So I can find your mouth.”
I would be quite pleased to watch Paul Pelosi slap the stupid out of Huckabee.
How many tea bags does he have hanging from that yarmulke?
New Yorker calls Huckabore witty, and Ross is spinning like a dervish in his grave. Well, the cartoons are still smart…
You didn’t let Huckabeast finish! It’s totally orthodox, because he would be married to a fellow Republican like Larry Craig. Those guys have found a way of boning men and yet being completely not gay, and so it’s a small step for the Power of Conservativism to make it possible to be gay married and not gay.
And everyone here responded to the “Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.” That’s odd, because this is a very, very old taunt. The GOP has been using it since ’00 at least. It has been on national television. It’s provenance is probably originally from the fundamentalist camp, but it’s a cliche. You guys act like you just heard it or you need to respond to that. Meh. The “Christian” attack on homosexuality is thin. In the Bible, the condemnation is thin. In church practices, the history is thin. Now, historical condemnation is thick as syrup, because that’s where this really comes from, “the ick factor.” Various nations and cultures have created concepts of homosexuality and demonized them.
Huckabee is a smarter Palin and a shiftier Robertson. The worst mistake you can make is to say, “Dumb southerner.” He has a repugnant family and history, and this New Yorker piece is disgracefully fawning, but Huckabee does a lot to create the concept of “homosexual,” which then serves his cultural and political needs.
Imagine debating Anne Coulter, where she gets to define what a “liberal” is, and proving that her definition is good.
[re=603718]Geogre[/re]: It’s old, yes, but it never stops really fucking stupid.
Huckabee/AstroGlide 2012 !
[re=603508]Freedom McAwesomePants[/re]: yer right…he is sexy… in that elephant size wearing stripes sorta way
[re=603727]mumblyjoe[/re]: You’re right, and I came to the comments late.
What happens is that we’re all responding individually, but it looks like repetition. What I think this shows is just how really fucking annoying it is for people to say, “Mr. Reagan, your economic policies have no connection to reality whatever. We have to have revenues, and the people of this country need their government to act on their behalf” and be answered with, “Well… uh… there you go again, Mr. President!” and hear 20,000,000 knees getting slapped. What’s bugging us isn’t the rhymetime, the slogans, but the fact that there are people who are convinced by them, hide behind them, and define their thought that way.
[re=603365]Joshua Norton[/re]: Need moar meth.
Doesn’t the Adam and Steve “witticism” go back to Anita Bryant, that lovely MissAmurkin orange homophobe?
[re=603389]mumblyjoe[/re]: And their children? Incest.
So, which would be the worse president? Fuckabee or Palin?
I have a problem. Even though he would probably bring us to the brink of the Apocalypse if elected President, I still find ol’ Mikey Huckabee to be a really likable guy. (Notice that says likable, not lickable.)
I wonder if there’s a way to make a kosher version of squirrel meat in a popcorn popper.
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