Crazy John Kerry Freaking Everyone Out With Devotion To Fighting Climate Change

Everyone in the Senate is annoyed and a little scared of 2004 sore-loserman John Kerry, who has decided to get super dedicated to making an energy bill that actually does something to make the world less likely to die soon. Wanting to pass something like this makes one a crazy person, they say, because the American public will not stand for making the planet less hot. Once you stop putting pressure on our lazy planet, it stops giving us oil, and we don't want that, so why are you trying to stop us from turning up the heat, John Kerry?

John Rockefeller leads us off with a super good analogy:

Kerry’s style, said Sen. John Rockefeller (D-W.Va.), is akin to being “pursued by a suitor, just as boys pursue girls.”

Eww, John Kerry is covering himself in Axe body spray and texting photos of his dick to John Rockefeller. Like a "suitor." "I have like 30 condoms in my glovebox, John Rockefeller, and like 30 copies of proposed climate change legislation in the backseat because I have my own car."

“He’s so obsessed,” said one wavering Democratic senator who has been pursued by Kerry. “Clearly, it’s all climate, all the time with him.”

John Kerry, pick up a hobby! Go windsurf or something! Stop trying to use your political power to do anything but maintain the status quo! You're grossing people out!

Then John Kerry stops fapping on a wind turbine for five seconds to try to justify his disgusting desires:

“I believe it’s been worth the effort to fight. I feel this issue very intensely. I care about it more than anything I’ve ever worked on in my life. And I’ve always said to my colleagues, ‘I know this is tough, and I know it’s not everyone’s favorite issue, but I only push because I care so much and I desperately want to see us tackle it together as a caucus with one voice rather than giving up.’”

Ewwwwww. Just stop it, John Kerry. Do we need to get a restraining order against you? Look, we're gonna pass another huge energy bill that does little to nothing to actually fight climate change. You don't have the votes for your gross ideas about protecting the planet, so STOP. STOP IT. STOP PANTING AND GET OFF OF US.

“It’s been contentious for the 20 years we’ve been trying to pass a bill. Have I worked aggressively? Absolutely. But I’ve also listened hard.”

God, even his ears are hard. [ Darren Samuelsohn & Manu Raju ]