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HELP ME, JEBUS!
Noted oil-industry shill Sarah Palin is so darned upset about that oil spill down in Mexico’s Gulf of New Orleans, she’s ready to beg for mercy at the feet of the Biggest Government of All. Why won’t Sarah Palin use her real-‘murican can-do spirit to plug the danged hole instead of leaning on God, who at best is an indifferent deity and at worst (for her) actually died of shame the day Sarah Palin was born. [Twitter via Wonkette operative “Carol S.”]

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114 COMMENTS

  1. Yes, I saw this and thought, against all my better judgment, compassion, and sense, that perhaps the people of Louisiana did deserve this mess. It was only a fleeting thought, however.

    I hope they use extra-absorbent prayer.

  2. This will be a good strategy for Sarah Palin to use in 2012: no fundraising, no campaigning, no ads – just prayer. Hey, it worked for Jesus. They elected him Son of God, and all Sarah wants to be a lousy stinking Presnit.

  3. What? The Dutch couldn’t do it? Wasn’t that who she thought could fix it last week?

    While I agree that a solution would be a miracle considering that none of these dipwads know what
    they’re doing, I hardly think praying all day will help any. Maybe a virgin sacrifice will do the trick?

    Just STFU Sarah.

  4. Does she put USA in her Twatter handle to remind her of where she lives? Can she find the USA on a map?

    I thank gawd every day that she is protecting our fartherest most regions. Gawd, could you keep her up there forever??

  5. God is too busy helping a random Dominican BB player go 2 for 3 with a stolen base and a HR. No time for this hole plugging shit.

  6. Sarah should consider going to the Gulf and throwing something into the Oil Hole as an offering to the oil goddess, Petrolaia. How about Trig?

    Just kidding, Sarah. But you thought about it, didn’tcha?

  7. Where is Pat Robertson’s delusional ass blaming this on God’s wrath at some sin on the part of Gulf Coast residents? Oh right, this tragedy is affecting white people’s fun beach vacations, and not black people’s homes and lives. He is such a walking shitbag.

  8. Yeah, right, God is up there pissed off that he lost the his bet with the Devil over the time it took us to thoroughly succeed in soiling our own nest. He didn’t figure on the venality, lack of foresight, and self-centeredness overcoming everything else so quickly. So now he is going to sit back and enjoy the show as we go extinct and the next great era dawns: the Pestiliential Era, when roaches, fleas, mosquitos, and lice get to run things for a while.

  9. This is an historic moment, people. Mooseface Killa just came up with an actual, for real, policy suggestion. Granted, it is dumb as all fuck, ceding all control of the disaster to supernatural agencies which don’t really exist, but still.

  10. Wait, what? Is she declaring that lawmakers have made this a day of prayer, or asking for a day or prayer? I’m so confused, and, apparently, so is she.

    And if they’re so goddammed religious, why do they need instructions on when to pray? Just pray quietly and STFU about it already. Stop oversharing with the prayering.

  11. [re=603095]Buzz Feedback[/re]: and saving one person in a plane crash while the rest die in fiery agony. He’s got a lot to do, that God.

  12. Isn’t this basically Obama said last week? Is Sarah following Obama? Someone should tell her. I wanna see how she walks this one back.

  13. Any minute now I expect to see Jeebus! coming down with Red Adair on the left and John Wayne on the right to shove a gigantic heavenly plug in the pipe and settle all this. Sarah, activate prayer powers!
    Uh, Activate Prayer Powers!
    Aw heck, STFU $arah…

  14. After regulations that were nonexistent, a disaster plan that was pure fiction, a drilling timetable that was a fairy tale, an explosion that never should’ve happened, a rig sinking that we were told was impossible, a leak whose estimated extent was pulled out of a hat, an environmental response that mostly involved camouflage, a fake customer service center, and astroturf BP boosterism, it’s certainly about time we abandoned fantasy as an approach to serious problems and moved on to — um — prayer.

  15. [re=603103]Native of SL UT[/re]: She implies…hell, at this point, she probably just outright says that Nobama asked us to pray to the wrong god, ya know, the god of his people, aka muslins.

  16. All true except for God dying of shame the day she was born. You cannot die just of shame and I know.
    Seriously, does she think God is twiddling his thumbs because no one has thought about praying? Does she think the Gulf coast residents have failed to pray? Or does she think that God is waiting for her recommendation?

  17. [re=603083]Oblios Cap[/re]: OK, like Roger Rabbit who couldn’t help responding to the “Shave and a Haircut” jingle, I gotta say that to beg the question does not mean to ask for it; it means to avoid asking it altogether.
    Oh-oh, now somebody is going to go Godwin on me…sometimes the Grammar Nazi just pops out. Sorry.

  18. I’m figgerin’ that Billy Whatsisname is up there telling the Big Guy that a little OxyClean and summa them Sham Wows will do the trick. GUARANTEED! Or double your prayers back!

  19. Sarah, I plan to hold you to that. If God doesn’t answer your prayers, and pronto, I guess that means He really doesn’t like you very much.

  20. I love her approach to problem solving. “Yeah, we made a coupla half-assed attempts, and there’s nothing more we can do. Let’s just kick back and wait for an invisible sky wizard to fix it. Also.” Fucking retard.

  21. I’ve been praying to Buddha, Shiva, Ganesha and the ghost of Christmas past to put a plug
    in Sarah’s gaping maw. So far it hasn’t worked.

  22. Y’alls gonna feel purty stupid when the clouds part and a classic Python/Gilliam hand comes down and plugs the hole with one finger. And then a giant foot will come down on Palin.

  23. [re=603103]Native of SL UT[/re]: Praying for strength is not quite the same thing as praying for a solution/ miracle. One is platitudinous, but essentially harmless, and might make those who believe in an invisible sky god feel better. The other is pure delusion.

  24. And you people said she didn’t have any solutions!

    Also pray that the extreme greenies don’t cause more oil spills, by forcing us to drive SUVs and drill offshore.

  25. [re=603114]ZombieRichardFeynman[/re]:

    Duly chastised; not that I believe a thought like that would ever cross that Teatards “mind”, so I might have been right.

  26. Dear God,
    Please plug the giant spewing abomination of a hole that is Sarah Palin’s mouth and while you’re at it there is a much smaller leak that is sickening and killing many of your wonderful and beautiful creatures in the Gulf Sea.
    Thanks,
    Your pal MG

  27. Only if, once it inevitably fails to do jack shit, we can all agree that either a) there is no God, or b) [it] doesn’t return our phone calls.

    Second implication: if human efforts succeed, we start worshipping a giant golden statue of Steven Chu.

  28. [re=603141]Scarab[/re]: “Here in Alaska, where we’ve cleaned up the corruption and we’ve taken on some self-dealing and self-interests, we’ve been able to really put government back on the side of the people,” Palin told reporters after voting. “I hope, pray, believe I’ll be able to do that as vice president for everybody in America, helping to transform our national government, too.”

    It’s a lot easier to pray then to get in a contamination suit in heat and humidity and clean up tar balls off a beach.

  29. Once again, the Onion has the perfect article for this:
    http://www.theonion.com/articles/god-answers-prayers-of-paralyzed-little-boy,475/

    God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy
    SAN FRANCISCO–For as long as he can remember, 7-year-old Timmy Yu has had one precious dream: From the bottom of his heart, he has hoped against hope that God would someday hear his prayer to walk again. Though many thought Timmy’s heavenly plea would never be answered, his dream finally came true Monday, when the Lord personally responded to the wheelchair-bound boy’s prayer with a resounding no.

  30. Rama, seventh avatar fo Vishnu, was contacted this morning, and asked for a rebuttal to Mrs. Palin:

    His reply was to send her into exile for 14 years in the Land of Wassilla.

    Oh, wait. That already happened. Except, no Sita thing in Sitka.

  31. [re=603133]Sara Benincasa[/re]: Hey, its me, your number one stalker, just to remind you, I’m watching you! I know that you love me and want to have my children, and that you just feign this indifference.

  32. Wasn’t she just the other day asking Obama to “call her” and she’d help him out because she “knows all about” oil spills. I guess this is the advice she would have given him.

  33. I keep sacrificing young virgins to Zeus in the hopes that he will plug the Big Hole, but Sarah Palin keeps opening her mouth and saying things.

    Oh well, maybe this young virgin will do the trick…

  34. It’s important to continually modify your prayer to reflect the actual outcome…and then thank God for not letting an even worse scenario to happen.

    Original prayer: Please God, plug the hole and spare the Gulf from utter destruction.

    Final Prayer: Thank you God for for not killing everything in the Pacific Ocean.

  35. [re=603114]ZombieRichardFeynman[/re]: No, actually, to beg the question is to avoid (legitimately) answering the question. Specifically, it’s a type of circular reasoning – assuming what you are to prove in order to prove it.

    So Sarah Palin knows that Obama is wrong because he’s a Democrat, and everything the Democrats do is wrong. And of course everything the Democrats do is wrong because they just do what Obama says, and he’s always wrong.

  36. [re=603157]doxastic[/re]: Dear God and Son, Please do something about that big oil slick in the gulf – and, while you’re at it, quit killing hundreds of thousands of people with floods and tidal waves and hurricanes and earthquakes and tornadoes, and things and stuff, kay? OK, bye!

  37. [re=603215]Escape Goat Nation[/re]: It is really important to be specific in these prayers to god as he might misunderstand or requests.

  38. All I can say is, thank God that screeching cunt is a serious part of our national dialogue. I can’t imagine how lost we would be without her weighing in on the important issues of the day. And thank the press too. Without them, we wouldn’t have a clue.

  39. [re=603159]Radiotherapy[/re]: Putting government back on the side of the people = diverting students away from college and into the oil and gas industry.

  40. the people who are most likely to answer lady teabag’s prayer call are also those least likely to offer anything of concrete value towards solving this problem. let ’em pray. it’ll make them feel useful and keep them out of the way while the grown-ups work on solving the problem.

  41. Where is the collectible Sarah Palin Prayer Day Plate? Pundits predict an increase in price particularly when prayer can be proven to have prevented the plume in its prime (oh, I like that sentence!)

  42. “Hi, Space Jeebus here.

    I don’t like how you people keep fucking up over and over. Oil spill? Ocean trash dump? Hate and evil? Jeez, I keep sending you warnings that your behavior is unacceptable.

    How many more Limbaughs and Palins do I need to send?

    What part of Wrath of God are you missing?

    So help me, I’ll punish you with fifty more of them if you don’t clean up your Act!”

    Love and kisses and Huggies for All,

    Space Jeebus.

  43. [re=603349]Mad Brahms[/re]: Yes. All my Burning Man buddies who think it’s better to just “manifest” the right shit, instead of paying attention to what’s happening in the world (’cause … you know … when you pay *attention* to situations, or notice them, you’re just “feeding them energy”) will probably want to deal into this club, too.

    Fume.

  44. god shot his wad winning the lakers the nba championship last week…he won t return until preseason begins in october

  45. For anyone in the San Francisco Bay Area who is interested, a few of my fellow Troglodytes and I will be offering a sacrifice to Procan, Lord of the Waters, this evening near Hunter’s Point, in hopes of convincing him to stay his wrath and end the oil spill. Stop by if you’re interesting. We’ll be the group in robes, covered in chicken and pig blood.

  46. If they’re so sure prayer works, why did they wait until Day 64 to ask for Divine Assistance? Oh, sorry, I forgot. They wanted to make Obama look bad first.

  47. If she’s trying to build anticipation for the release of her sex tape on Wikileaks, she’s got my attention.

    I have no idea why I said that, but I’m such a slow typist I’ll choose Submit Comment and accept my fate.

  48. Gov. Sarah Palin is a devoutly religious person who truly believes in the omnipotent power of a Higher Authority. Who are we to sneer at her?

  49. This degree of intervention would be unprecedented even for God. I suppose he could part the Gulf and then all the oil scientists could run down to the hole and plug it, and then while they were making their way back to shore, God would feign fatigue and close up the danged Gulf before any of the hubris-filled oil employees could make it to shore. Then as their lifeless forms swirled about amid the dead sea creatures, birds and oil plumes God would laugh and laugh. And then he’d impregnate Palin, cottage cheese thighs and all, just to drive liberals nuts on the day that Jesus 2 pops out of her hoo-hah and installs Trig as the new Interior Secretary.

  50. Stop mocking Sarah’s “faith based” approach to public life. Require qualified airline pilote? NO, the acts of man are futile — the plane will crash or land safely at God’s will. Have a fire department? NO, the acts of man are futile — the house will burn or not at God’s will. Select leaders by election? NO, the acts of man are futile — God decides who wins or loses. Got that Sarah?

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