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HELP ME, JEBUS!
Noted oil-industry shill Sarah Palin is so darned upset about that oil spill down in Mexico’s Gulf of New Orleans, she’s ready to beg for mercy at the feet of the Biggest Government of All. Why won’t Sarah Palin use her real-‘murican can-do spirit to plug the danged hole instead of leaning on God, who at best is an indifferent deity and at worst (for her) actually died of shame the day Sarah Palin was born. [Twitter via Wonkette operative “Carol S.”]

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  • rafflesinc

    After five babies, Palin knows something about plugging giant holes.

  • TGY

    Yes, I saw this and thought, against all my better judgment, compassion, and sense, that perhaps the people of Louisiana did deserve this mess. It was only a fleeting thought, however.

    I hope they use extra-absorbent prayer.

  • CrunchyKnee

    She is a real boob.

  • AxmxZ

    This will be a good strategy for Sarah Palin to use in 2012: no fundraising, no campaigning, no ads – just prayer. Hey, it worked for Jesus. They elected him Son of God, and all Sarah wants to be a lousy stinking Presnit.

  • Baldar T Flagass

    What about the juniper bushes over there?

  • chascates

    Days of Prayer have certainly brought forth solution/miracles before.

  • weejee
  • Suds McKenzie

    This is deranged I can believe in.

  • Oblios Cap

    This just begs the question of whether god could make an oil leak so large that he couldn’t stop it, doesn’t it?

  • Moonbatting_Average

    Real Merkin is more like it

  • Hemp Dogbane

    She can see him from her house. What’s He waiting for? Plug the danged hole !

  • Noonan

    That’s retarded.

  • I Heart Accuracy

    She toked in the middle of that tweet, I’m sure of it.

  • Okie Dokie Dog

    What? The Dutch couldn’t do it? Wasn’t that who she thought could fix it last week?

    While I agree that a solution would be a miracle considering that none of these dipwads know what
    they’re doing, I hardly think praying all day will help any. Maybe a virgin sacrifice will do the trick?

    Just STFU Sarah.

  • Scarab

    How’s that Hopey-Prayey thing working out for ya?

  • jus_wonderin

    Does she put USA in her Twatter handle to remind her of where she lives? Can she find the USA on a map?

    I thank gawd every day that she is protecting our fartherest most regions. Gawd, could you keep her up there forever??

  • Capitol Hillbilly

    So she thinks she knows better than God? And God should do her bidding?

  • Buzz Feedback

    God is too busy helping a random Dominican BB player go 2 for 3 with a stolen base and a HR. No time for this hole plugging shit.

  • Aurelio

    Sarah should consider going to the Gulf and throwing something into the Oil Hole as an offering to the oil goddess, Petrolaia. How about Trig?

    Just kidding, Sarah. But you thought about it, didn’tcha?

  • Deelzebub

    Where is Pat Robertson’s delusional ass blaming this on God’s wrath at some sin on the part of Gulf Coast residents? Oh right, this tragedy is affecting white people’s fun beach vacations, and not black people’s homes and lives. He is such a walking shitbag.

  • Doglessliberal

    Yeah, right, God is up there pissed off that he lost the his bet with the Devil over the time it took us to thoroughly succeed in soiling our own nest. He didn’t figure on the venality, lack of foresight, and self-centeredness overcoming everything else so quickly. So now he is going to sit back and enjoy the show as we go extinct and the next great era dawns: the Pestiliential Era, when roaches, fleas, mosquitos, and lice get to run things for a while.

  • SmutBoffin

    This is an historic moment, people. Mooseface Killa just came up with an actual, for real, policy suggestion. Granted, it is dumb as all fuck, ceding all control of the disaster to supernatural agencies which don’t really exist, but still.

  • Katydid

    Wait, what? Is she declaring that lawmakers have made this a day of prayer, or asking for a day or prayer? I’m so confused, and, apparently, so is she.

    And if they’re so goddammed religious, why do they need instructions on when to pray? Just pray quietly and STFU about it already. Stop oversharing with the prayering.

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=603095]Buzz Feedback[/re]: and saving one person in a plane crash while the rest die in fiery agony. He’s got a lot to do, that God.

  • Native of SL UT

    Isn’t this basically Obama said last week? Is Sarah following Obama? Someone should tell her. I wanna see how she walks this one back.

  • Tube City

    The Invisible Hand will gather up all the oil and turn it into tax cuts.

  • Rotundo

    Any minute now I expect to see Jeebus! coming down with Red Adair on the left and John Wayne on the right to shove a gigantic heavenly plug in the pipe and settle all this. Sarah, activate prayer powers!
    Uh, Activate Prayer Powers!
    Aw heck, STFU $arah…

  • SayItWithWookies

    After regulations that were nonexistent, a disaster plan that was pure fiction, a drilling timetable that was a fairy tale, an explosion that never should’ve happened, a rig sinking that we were told was impossible, a leak whose estimated extent was pulled out of a hat, an environmental response that mostly involved camouflage, a fake customer service center, and astroturf BP boosterism, it’s certainly about time we abandoned fantasy as an approach to serious problems and moved on to — um — prayer.

  • Katydid

    [re=603103]Native of SL UT[/re]: She implies…hell, at this point, she probably just outright says that Nobama asked us to pray to the wrong god, ya know, the god of his people, aka muslins.

  • Aurelio

    Sarah has a point. This is like one of God’s little ironies: “Want oil, do ya?”

  • PsycGirl

    All true except for God dying of shame the day she was born. You cannot die just of shame and I know.
    Seriously, does she think God is twiddling his thumbs because no one has thought about praying? Does she think the Gulf coast residents have failed to pray? Or does she think that God is waiting for her recommendation?

  • Serolf Divad

    God doesn’t listen to the prayers of morons.

  • ZombieRichardFeynman

    [re=603083]Oblios Cap[/re]: OK, like Roger Rabbit who couldn’t help responding to the “Shave and a Haircut” jingle, I gotta say that to beg the question does not mean to ask for it; it means to avoid asking it altogether.
    Oh-oh, now somebody is going to go Godwin on me…sometimes the Grammar Nazi just pops out. Sorry.

  • Baby who ate the Dingo

    I’m figgerin’ that Billy Whatsisname is up there telling the Big Guy that a little OxyClean and summa them Sham Wows will do the trick. GUARANTEED! Or double your prayers back!

  • charlesdegoal

    Excellent idea. Could work for the economy too. Maybe even the war.

  • Snarkalicious

    LITERALLY as sharp as a plastic sack of boneless pork chops.

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=603114]ZombieRichardFeynman[/re]: thank you. I had to sit on my hands not to say something, myself.

  • predilectrix

    Sarah, I plan to hold you to that. If God doesn’t answer your prayers, and pronto, I guess that means He really doesn’t like you very much.

  • uncletravelingmatt

    I love her approach to problem solving. “Yeah, we made a coupla half-assed attempts, and there’s nothing more we can do. Let’s just kick back and wait for an invisible sky wizard to fix it. Also.” Fucking retard.

  • Sara Benincasa

    I want to set her on fire. Not literally. I literally want to drown her in sand.

  • jodyleek

    I’ve been praying to Buddha, Shiva, Ganesha and the ghost of Christmas past to put a plug
    in Sarah’s gaping maw. So far it hasn’t worked.

  • lumpenprole

    Y’alls gonna feel purty stupid when the clouds part and a classic Python/Gilliam hand comes down and plugs the hole with one finger. And then a giant foot will come down on Palin.

  • Scarab

    Do you think she prayed to win the 2008 election?

  • the problem child

    [re=603103]Native of SL UT[/re]: Praying for strength is not quite the same thing as praying for a solution/ miracle. One is platitudinous, but essentially harmless, and might make those who believe in an invisible sky god feel better. The other is pure delusion.

  • comicbookguy

    And you people said she didn’t have any solutions!

    Also pray that the extreme greenies don’t cause more oil spills, by forcing us to drive SUVs and drill offshore.

  • Oblios Cap

    [re=603114]ZombieRichardFeynman[/re]:

    Duly chastised; not that I believe a thought like that would ever cross that Teatards “mind”, so I might have been right.

  • Monsieur Grumpe

    Dear God,
    Please plug the giant spewing abomination of a hole that is Sarah Palin’s mouth and while you’re at it there is a much smaller leak that is sickening and killing many of your wonderful and beautiful creatures in the Gulf Sea.
    Thanks,
    Your pal MG

  • themercenary

    Leave God alone. He is trying to watch the World Cup.

  • doxastic

    Only if, once it inevitably fails to do jack shit, we can all agree that either a) there is no God, or b) [it] doesn’t return our phone calls.

    Second implication: if human efforts succeed, we start worshipping a giant golden statue of Steven Chu.

  • Barrett808

    Rude Pundit p0wns this:

    Now That You’ve Asked, Why the Hell Doesn’t God Do Anything About the Oil Spill?

    “So God caused the spill to teach us a lesson, but we need to pray that he’ll stop it. Yes, God is like a mob boss who can keep burning down your businesses unless you pony up what’s due to him.”

  • Radiotherapy

    [re=603141]Scarab[/re]: “Here in Alaska, where we’ve cleaned up the corruption and we’ve taken on some self-dealing and self-interests, we’ve been able to really put government back on the side of the people,” Palin told reporters after voting. “I hope, pray, believe I’ll be able to do that as vice president for everybody in America, helping to transform our national government, too.”

    It’s a lot easier to pray then to get in a contamination suit in heat and humidity and clean up tar balls off a beach.

  • actor212

    You know, it’s too bad the only times Palin has been on her knees, it wasn’t in prayer.

    If you know what I mean….

  • JMP

    Once again, the Onion has the perfect article for this:
    http://www.theonion.com/articles/god-answers-prayers-of-paralyzed-little-boy,475/

    God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy
    SAN FRANCISCO–For as long as he can remember, 7-year-old Timmy Yu has had one precious dream: From the bottom of his heart, he has hoped against hope that God would someday hear his prayer to walk again. Though many thought Timmy’s heavenly plea would never be answered, his dream finally came true Monday, when the Lord personally responded to the wheelchair-bound boy’s prayer with a resounding no.

  • El Pinche

    Nice try but God hates our fat, lazy, destructive asses. This is that old testament style of pay back.

  • Baby who ate the Dingo

    Rama, seventh avatar fo Vishnu, was contacted this morning, and asked for a rebuttal to Mrs. Palin:

    His reply was to send her into exile for 14 years in the Land of Wassilla.

    Oh, wait. That already happened. Except, no Sita thing in Sitka.

  • Prommie

    [re=603133]Sara Benincasa[/re]: Hey, its me, your number one stalker, just to remind you, I’m watching you! I know that you love me and want to have my children, and that you just feign this indifference.

  • BlueStateLiberal

    Wasn’t she just the other day asking Obama to “call her” and she’d help him out because she “knows all about” oil spills. I guess this is the advice she would have given him.

  • populucious

    That’s why God ain’t done nuthin yet, cuz Princess Sparkle Sarah didn’t ask him. B*tch, why’d ya take so long?

  • Is This Thing On?

    So, is it better yet? Or did everyone forget to pray for it to be fixed RIGHT NOW? Dummies. Always give a deadline.

  • trondant

    [re=603107]Rotundo[/re]: Like this?

    [re=603098]Doglessliberal[/re]: That era started January of ’01. I’m still finding dead crickets in my hair on a daily basis.

  • Dashboard_Buddha

    Isn’t whoring yourself to Christians some kind of sin?

  • MarSF

    “Are you there God? It’s me, Sarah. Did you Friend me yet on Facebook?”

  • MarSF

    [re=603133]Sara Benincasa[/re]: I think you should start your own Fake Palin Twitter Stream. Do it for America.

  • Oblios Cap

    [re=603133]Sara Benincasa[/re]:

    Better start builing that fence, pronto. Don’t forget to leave a hole at the bottom.

  • Jim89048

    In the immortal words of Zombie Jim Morrison, you cannot petition the lord with prayer.

  • forgracie

    Pray baby pray?

  • bago

    [re=603078]Baldar T Flagass[/re]: Are you praying to Gin?

  • coolcatdaddy

    I keep sacrificing young virgins to Zeus in the hopes that he will plug the Big Hole, but Sarah Palin keeps opening her mouth and saying things.

    Oh well, maybe this young virgin will do the trick…

  • Rotundo

    [re=603181]trondant[/re]: Why yes, good visual aid there! Wonder if it would plug $arah?

  • bago

    Ah, Sarah. The woman who believes you can run a country on a drill and a prayer.

  • Escape Goat Nation

    It’s important to continually modify your prayer to reflect the actual outcome…and then thank God for not letting an even worse scenario to happen.

    Original prayer: Please God, plug the hole and spare the Gulf from utter destruction.

    Final Prayer: Thank you God for for not killing everything in the Pacific Ocean.

  • yellowdogdem

    [re=603079]chascates[/re]: So you’re saying if I pray real hard, I can pray the teabaggers away?

  • Mahousu

    [re=603114]ZombieRichardFeynman[/re]: No, actually, to beg the question is to avoid (legitimately) answering the question. Specifically, it’s a type of circular reasoning – assuming what you are to prove in order to prove it.

    So Sarah Palin knows that Obama is wrong because he’s a Democrat, and everything the Democrats do is wrong. And of course everything the Democrats do is wrong because they just do what Obama says, and he’s always wrong.

  • GoinGreen

    [re=603157]doxastic[/re]: Dear God and Son, Please do something about that big oil slick in the gulf – and, while you’re at it, quit killing hundreds of thousands of people with floods and tidal waves and hurricanes and earthquakes and tornadoes, and things and stuff, kay? OK, bye!

  • jus_wonderin

    [re=603215]Escape Goat Nation[/re]: It is really important to be specific in these prayers to god as he might misunderstand or requests.

  • Dolmance

    All I can say is, thank God that screeching cunt is a serious part of our national dialogue. I can’t imagine how lost we would be without her weighing in on the important issues of the day. And thank the press too. Without them, we wouldn’t have a clue.

  • comicbookguy

    [re=603159]Radiotherapy[/re]: Putting government back on the side of the people = diverting students away from college and into the oil and gas industry.

  • slappypaddy

    the people who are most likely to answer lady teabag’s prayer call are also those least likely to offer anything of concrete value towards solving this problem. let ’em pray. it’ll make them feel useful and keep them out of the way while the grown-ups work on solving the problem.

  • proudgrampa

    Oh Sarah,

    My prayer to you —

    Please shut the fuck up.

    Amen.

    proudgrampa

  • germansteel

    I’d expect divine intervention before I’d expect anything resembling intelligence from her.

  • lulzmonger

    PRAYER RECEIVED & ANSWERED!

    Cthulhu awakening in 3 … 2 …

  • TGY

    [re=603303]lulzmonger[/re]: Cthulhu might be a boon for BP. NO, REALLY!

  • Mad Brahms

    [re=603075]TGY[/re]: And so teabaggers and people who follow “The Secret” will come together at last.

  • maven

    Where is the collectible Sarah Palin Prayer Day Plate? Pundits predict an increase in price particularly when prayer can be proven to have prevented the plume in its prime (oh, I like that sentence!)

  • Oblios Cap

    Get thee to a nunnery, Sarah. Your fans truly want you to.

  • RoscoePColtraine

    Flagellation or GTFO.

  • AutomaticPilot

    [re=603075]TGY[/re]: thanks for making me snort at work. Now I have some ‘splainin’ to do.

  • rocktonsammy

    I wish Jeebus would plug her danged hole, all of them.

  • BarackMyWorld

    The ocean will take care of it.

  • Baby who ate the Dingo

    “Hi, Space Jeebus here.

    I don’t like how you people keep fucking up over and over. Oil spill? Ocean trash dump? Hate and evil? Jeez, I keep sending you warnings that your behavior is unacceptable.

    How many more Limbaughs and Palins do I need to send?

    What part of Wrath of God are you missing?

    So help me, I’ll punish you with fifty more of them if you don’t clean up your Act!”

    Love and kisses and Huggies for All,

    Space Jeebus.

  • iolanthe

    [re=603349]Mad Brahms[/re]: Yes. All my Burning Man buddies who think it’s better to just “manifest” the right shit, instead of paying attention to what’s happening in the world (’cause … you know … when you pay *attention* to situations, or notice them, you’re just “feeding them energy”) will probably want to deal into this club, too.

    Fume.

  • rmjag

    [re=603098]Doglessliberal[/re]: roaches , flies , mosquitos , lice AND sarah . u forgot sarah .

  • leaveskoalrebelalone

    god shot his wad winning the lakers the nba championship last week…he won t return until preseason begins in october

  • PLCOT

    For anyone in the San Francisco Bay Area who is interested, a few of my fellow Troglodytes and I will be offering a sacrifice to Procan, Lord of the Waters, this evening near Hunter’s Point, in hopes of convincing him to stay his wrath and end the oil spill. Stop by if you’re interesting. We’ll be the group in robes, covered in chicken and pig blood.

  • ShortShadey

    So, she’s praying for our oil wells to go dry?

    Why does Sarah Palin hate America?

  • WesternCorrespondent

    [re=603190]MarSF[/re]:

    Palingates already has had some fun with fake Palin Twitter Streams… :::heh:::

    http://palingates.blogspot.com/2010/06/sarah-palins-next-tweets-already.html

  • Can O Whoopass

    Sarah,

    Your half-sister Bristol called and wants her kid Trig back.

  • ryanwrightt

    Yeah!! she is right. God is omnipotent. He has the power to do anything and make impossible possible. When nothing works, leave to to God.
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  • Jukesgrrl

    If they’re so sure prayer works, why did they wait until Day 64 to ask for Divine Assistance? Oh, sorry, I forgot. They wanted to make Obama look bad first.

  • Weeping Jesus

    If she’s trying to build anticipation for the release of her sex tape on Wikileaks, she’s got my attention.

    I have no idea why I said that, but I’m such a slow typist I’ll choose Submit Comment and accept my fate.

  • RoscoeWild

    Gov. Sarah Palin is a devoutly religious person who truly believes in the omnipotent power of a Higher Authority. Who are we to sneer at her?

  • Mr Blifil

    This degree of intervention would be unprecedented even for God. I suppose he could part the Gulf and then all the oil scientists could run down to the hole and plug it, and then while they were making their way back to shore, God would feign fatigue and close up the danged Gulf before any of the hubris-filled oil employees could make it to shore. Then as their lifeless forms swirled about amid the dead sea creatures, birds and oil plumes God would laugh and laugh. And then he’d impregnate Palin, cottage cheese thighs and all, just to drive liberals nuts on the day that Jesus 2 pops out of her hoo-hah and installs Trig as the new Interior Secretary.

  • indy_girl

    [re=603190]MarSF[/re]: There already is one. I highly recommend it.
    http://twitter.com/CatfoodUSA

  • just pixels

    Stop mocking Sarah’s “faith based” approach to public life. Require qualified airline pilote? NO, the acts of man are futile — the plane will crash or land safely at God’s will. Have a fire department? NO, the acts of man are futile — the house will burn or not at God’s will. Select leaders by election? NO, the acts of man are futile — God decides who wins or loses. Got that Sarah?

  • yousefissa1

    She is some character Virility EX

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