Capitol Hill Bloodmobile

Why Is This Congressman Twittering Scary Bloody-Nose Pictures?

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

Portrait of the Bleeder As a Young Congressman.When you’re driving down the street and blood starts pouring from your nose, how do you usually react? Do you say “Whoah!,” reach for the nearest tissue, and pull off to the roadside until the bleeding stops? Or do you suddenly feel euphoric, stop paying attention to the road altogether, and stare at your passenger until they take a blurry “Twitpic” of your gore-face? If you chose Answer #2, then Congressman Jared Polis is your Congressional soulmate!

Rep. Polis, whose district includes hippy-dippy Boulder, Twittered a funny with his horrific portrait: “Got a bloody nose today, but u should have seen the other guy!” (Your Wonkette has no conclusive evidence that “the other guy” was fellow Coloradoan and Focus on the Family Grand Wizard James Dobson,, who likes to throw crucifixes at Democrats’ heads “for sport”).

When another Twitterhead asked Polis, “R U OK?,” the Rep responded, “yeah first bloody nose in like 5 years, oh well. It stopped after like ten mins.”

Why does Polis have nosebleeds like every five years? Is that how long he waits between fistfights? Or is it high blood pressure-related, or part of a demon-purging ritual? Perhaps most importantly, how many grandmas, cows, and other innocents did he hit with his car while he was totally not paying attention to his driving? [Twitter]

About the author

Lauri works at the Chicago Reader, and also writes and makes art-pictures for Wonkette. Her creative projects—including a now-defunct blog about finding clothing in the trash and wearing it, and an exhibition of portraits of all 50 Chicago aldermen made by 50 different artists—have been featured by NBC's Today Show, the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, BUST Magazine, and other media outlets. She's written things for the Austin Chronicle, Texas Observer, In Pittsburgh Weekly, The Black Table, and other places, and taken photos for various nonprofits, bands, and publications. (She also has a law degree, for some reason.)

View all articles by Lauri Apple


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • norbizness

    “It got all over my pocket protector!”

  • ManchuCandidate

    It’s all the high altitude and oxygen deprivation.

  • JMP

    What gives people nosebleeds for no apparent reason, when they haven’t received trauma to the head? Cocaine, that’s what.

  • Monsieur Grumpe

    Looks like a bloody Hitler mustache. Probably caused by excessive nose picking..

  • Dashboard_Buddha

    w.t.f? Surely twitter is one of the signs of the end-times.

  • elburrito

    How many lines did the OTHER guy do?

  • Tundra Grifter

    If someone uses “like” while Twittering, where every character is supposed to count, we’re done. Finitto Mussolini.

  • sleepy

    worse, what’s with that, um, tuft of hair?


    I’m just grateful he didn’t poo his panties.

  • I Heart Accuracy

    Jay Leno had some work done.

  • Katydid

    I should twit a pic of my face right now. Incredulous, horrified, and aghast is a great look for me.

  • donner_froh

    What would possess his “friend” to take a picture of Jared just grinning and bleeding?

  • Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=602869]donner_froh[/re]: He’s not just grinning…he’s grinning maniacally. Is it the coke maybe?

  • geminisunmars

    That’s what he gets for supporting Bennet.

  • progressiveinga

    Muy macho, no? Looks like someone is overcompensating again….Is that a monster truck he’s driving, too?

  • Clancy_Pants

    Not only twittering while driving. Twittering while driving while bleeding while doing cocaine while looking away from the road. When does he get his own driver?

  • Egregious

    Dude, if you like it’s not gonna give, just leave it in your nose, m-kay?

  • Okie Dokie Dog

    Beam him up Scotty. And take that NRA ass kissing knucklehead OKie Republican… oops… I mean Democrat, asshole Dan Boren with you. I’m too po’d watching that jackoff’s campaign ad on the teevee to give a flippin’ fuck about what some other whorish Senator is doing.

  • Come here a minute

    Cow, Negro, Dog, All Die.

  • chaste everywhere

    “but u should have seen the other guy!” He meant “u should of seen”. Still, funny. A funny man. Jared Polis is just a funny, funny man.
    Who doesn’t look anything like Steve Buscemi, even with a bloody nose, so why is he quoting him?

  • Dashboard_Buddha

    Huh…you know, if you look at the tree in the background just right, it sort of looks a someone (a woman?) wearing a low cut blouse is leaning on the car. Like a hooker.

  • Dashboard_Buddha

    …his face is all “a blow job each for $20! Let’s do it!”

  • Jim89048

    Meth is a helluva drug.

  • Suds McKenzie

    This reminds me, of that one time, at Band Camp.

  • DC Hates Me

    As a CSI fan, I noticed the shirt contains no blood spatter, indicating that the alledged bloody nose was self-inflicted, probably from picking buggers as Mr. Grumpe noted.

  • proudgrampa

    WTF? I got nuthin’.

  • comment

    1 – no one else in car; he took picture himself, obvs
    2 – it’s a split lip, not a nosebleed
    3 – lips=labia, “split labia”
    4 – tree in bckgrnd is a vag, obvs
    5 – ergo, “i’m completely alone & i’m way into giving rough menses head”
    6 – or, deeper, “i’ll wear your spent eggs on my face”
    7 – which natch culminates in “i support mandatory universal prebortion to clear the way for the lizards”

  • GOPCrusher

    If you pull out flesh when mining nose goblins, you’re doing it wrong.

  • Bearbloke

    Could be be advertising the high quality cocaine to be found in his district?

    Either that, or he was given a Jelly Donut by his most recent “campaign contributor”…