CAPITOL HILL BLOODMOBILE  9:09 am June 21, 2010

Why Is This Congressman Twittering Scary Bloody-Nose Pictures?

by Lauri Apple

Portrait of the Bleeder As a Young Congressman.When you’re driving down the street and blood starts pouring from your nose, how do you usually react? Do you say “Whoah!,” reach for the nearest tissue, and pull off to the roadside until the bleeding stops? Or do you suddenly feel euphoric, stop paying attention to the road altogether, and stare at your passenger until they take a blurry “Twitpic” of your gore-face? If you chose Answer #2, then Congressman Jared Polis is your Congressional soulmate!

Rep. Polis, whose district includes hippy-dippy Boulder, Twittered a funny with his horrific portrait: “Got a bloody nose today, but u should have seen the other guy!” (Your Wonkette has no conclusive evidence that “the other guy” was fellow Coloradoan and Focus on the Family Grand Wizard James Dobson,, who likes to throw crucifixes at Democrats’ heads “for sport”).

When another Twitterhead asked Polis, “R U OK?,” the Rep responded, “yeah first bloody nose in like 5 years, oh well. It stopped after like ten mins.”

Why does Polis have nosebleeds like every five years? Is that how long he waits between fistfights? Or is it high blood pressure-related, or part of a demon-purging ritual? Perhaps most importantly, how many grandmas, cows, and other innocents did he hit with his car while he was totally not paying attention to his driving? [Twitter]

Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


norbizness June 21, 2010 at 9:19 am

“It got all over my pocket protector!”

ManchuCandidate June 21, 2010 at 9:31 am

It’s all the high altitude and oxygen deprivation.

JMP June 21, 2010 at 9:32 am

What gives people nosebleeds for no apparent reason, when they haven’t received trauma to the head? Cocaine, that’s what.

Monsieur Grumpe June 21, 2010 at 9:33 am

Looks like a bloody Hitler mustache. Probably caused by excessive nose picking..

Dashboard_Buddha June 21, 2010 at 9:34 am

w.t.f? Surely twitter is one of the signs of the end-times.

elburrito June 21, 2010 at 9:35 am

How many lines did the OTHER guy do?

Tundra Grifter June 21, 2010 at 9:36 am

If someone uses “like” while Twittering, where every character is supposed to count, we’re done. Finitto Mussolini.

sleepy June 21, 2010 at 9:36 am

worse, what’s with that, um, tuft of hair?

BOOBIES! June 21, 2010 at 9:38 am

I’m just grateful he didn’t poo his panties.

I Heart Accuracy June 21, 2010 at 9:49 am

Jay Leno had some work done.

Katydid June 21, 2010 at 9:56 am

I should twit a pic of my face right now. Incredulous, horrified, and aghast is a great look for me.

donner_froh June 21, 2010 at 10:01 am

What would possess his “friend” to take a picture of Jared just grinning and bleeding?

Dashboard_Buddha June 21, 2010 at 10:13 am

[re=602869]donner_froh[/re]: He’s not just grinning…he’s grinning maniacally. Is it the coke maybe?

geminisunmars June 21, 2010 at 10:17 am

That’s what he gets for supporting Bennet.

progressiveinga June 21, 2010 at 10:22 am

Muy macho, no? Looks like someone is overcompensating again….Is that a monster truck he’s driving, too?

Clancy_Pants June 21, 2010 at 10:33 am

Not only twittering while driving. Twittering while driving while bleeding while doing cocaine while looking away from the road. When does he get his own driver?

Egregious June 21, 2010 at 11:01 am

Dude, if you like it’s not gonna give, just leave it in your nose, m-kay?

Okie Dokie Dog June 21, 2010 at 11:33 am

Beam him up Scotty. And take that NRA ass kissing knucklehead OKie Republican… oops… I mean Democrat, asshole Dan Boren with you. I’m too po’d watching that jackoff’s campaign ad on the teevee to give a flippin’ fuck about what some other whorish Senator is doing.

Come here a minute June 21, 2010 at 11:40 am

Cow, Negro, Dog, All Die.

chaste everywhere June 21, 2010 at 11:53 am

“but u should have seen the other guy!” He meant “u should of seen”. Still, funny. A funny man. Jared Polis is just a funny, funny man.
Who doesn’t look anything like Steve Buscemi, even with a bloody nose, so why is he quoting him?

Dashboard_Buddha June 21, 2010 at 12:07 pm

Huh…you know, if you look at the tree in the background just right, it sort of looks a someone (a woman?) wearing a low cut blouse is leaning on the car. Like a hooker.

Dashboard_Buddha June 21, 2010 at 12:08 pm

…his face is all “a blow job each for $20! Let’s do it!”

Jim89048 June 21, 2010 at 12:09 pm

Meth is a helluva drug.

Suds McKenzie June 21, 2010 at 12:50 pm

This reminds me, of that one time, at Band Camp.

DC Hates Me June 21, 2010 at 1:25 pm

As a CSI fan, I noticed the shirt contains no blood spatter, indicating that the alledged bloody nose was self-inflicted, probably from picking buggers as Mr. Grumpe noted.

proudgrampa June 21, 2010 at 2:19 pm

WTF? I got nuthin’.

comment June 21, 2010 at 2:41 pm

1 – no one else in car; he took picture himself, obvs
2 – it’s a split lip, not a nosebleed
3 – lips=labia, “split labia”
4 – tree in bckgrnd is a vag, obvs
5 – ergo, “i’m completely alone & i’m way into giving rough menses head”
6 – or, deeper, “i’ll wear your spent eggs on my face”
7 – which natch culminates in “i support mandatory universal prebortion to clear the way for the lizards”

GOPCrusher June 21, 2010 at 4:15 pm

If you pull out flesh when mining nose goblins, you’re doing it wrong.

Bearbloke June 22, 2010 at 1:03 am

Could be be advertising the high quality cocaine to be found in his district?

Either that, or he was given a Jelly Donut by his most recent “campaign contributor”…

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: