Wonkette contributing editor Lauri Apple started blogging for us two months ago, but her art has been seen here since before Barry Hussein Nobama even became the socialist president. What is going on? We will find out.
HELLO LAURI APPLE, how did we find you? Geez, I’m trying to think … was it at the Red Lobster? OH WAIT I REMEMBER — it was December 2008, and you found a jpg of a painting I had made of Rod Blagojevich parachuting toward a prison and going “I can parachute me there,” which had been posted on Chicagoist.com. And you took the jpg and used it, just like that. And then I kept making more pictures and started sending them to you in little emails, and you kept using them, which made my parents very proud.
Then I started writing for the site when Sara K. Smith left your redheaded family business-blog to join a mommyblogging cult, and also because she didn’t have red hair (even the boxed kind). So here I am
today — living in a Wonkette-subsidized public housing unit with Zima, one of Jim Newell’s discarded pet cats.
Oh, and I am pretty sure that Rod’s bringing us all together proves he is innocent.
SO it was Blago parachuting to prison, which seems “made for Wonkette,” even though it was actually made for a Chicago blog. Which means you are part of Barry Hussein’s Chicago street-thug ward-heeler culture?
That’s right: I am a proud member of the Amalgamated Union of Barry’s Brawlers, Local 5. We have satin jackets and hold illegal raffles, and we tag garage doors with hammers and sickles in the middle of the night. But I used to be part of Perry’s Right-to-Work Posse, back in the 00′s. That would be Rick Perry, not Steve Perry or his stepmother, Katy.
OH WAIT so you are Texan, or from DC, could you just quickly name the fourteen U.S. cities where you’ve lived and worked in the past couple of weeks?
I am from neither Texas nor DC but Western Pennsylvania, which I left during the Clinton years to bask in the bright lights of the nation’s capital for a while. Then I moved to Austin to become a foreign
affairs correspondent, working abroad and earning Alamos, the local currency.
WHY did you leave the journalistic womb of that newspaper in Houston or wherever, for the life of an itinerant blogger/alt-weekly editor?
Well, before I became this itinerant blogger/editor person I had to make a pit stop in New York City to live the “Big Apple experience,” since the city’s nickname came from my family. Also, I went to law school there, specializing in comedy law and student loans.
(Speaking of my alt-weekly life: The reporter that Mayor Daley threatened with a gun is my coworker! He’s doing OK, no PTSD.)
SO you are legally a lawyer now, and does that mean you cannot legally make cartoons?
I am not a legal lawyer, because I only passed the Make a Funny Picture portion of the Bar exam. So I can cartoon as I want, with liberty and freedom by my side. (IMPORTANT DISCLOSURE: Because I am
not a real lawyer I can never give any of you Wonketteers real legal advice, except “buy my artwork so that I can feed my poor little Zima.” He was just skin and bones when I got him. Not sure what was
going on there.)
HOW do you make your cartoons, anyway? They look like they are drawn with markers and paints on paper, but is it all a kind of Computer-Internet Fraud?
Well, during my tenure with Wonkette I have gone through a number of changes media-wise. When we started our relationship, I was all about paint and canvas, because back then Billionaire George Soros was buying art supplies for me as part of a microloan initiative. Then that ended and I switched to markers and paper, which are cheaper. Lately, I have been using colored pencils and paper, which has proven to be the most cost-effective method of art-making in these penny-pinching times.
WHAT if people want to buy prints or T-shirts of your arts? And also do you want to make a T-shirt for the Fall 2010 Line of Wonkette Apparel? (Yes, there really is a Wonkette Apparel store opening in TWO WEEKS.)
All they have to do is go to my art blog, Trendpiece.blogspot.com, and drop me an email at FOUND_CLOTHING AT YAHOO DOT COM telling me which pictures they want. I tell them how much the art costs and they either buy it or I never hear from them again. We make an e-transaction and then they get their picture within a few days. For now they get originals, because I am always too busy hustlin’ to bother with setting up a printing operation.
And yeah sure I will make Wonkette clothes! Perhaps we should go “offline” and discuss this, or put it to a vote (“Which famous art picture would you wear on your person?”).
HERE is a Free-Form Essay Question. Do not screw it up.
Ronald Reagan was the smartest American president ever for three reasons. One, he could act very well, both in the movies and on the news. Two, he understood the importance of astrology, which is a very complex science. And three, he created an America in which everyone learned the value of saving a penny today for a dollar earned tomorrow. His legacy lives on, never forget, amen.
WHO is your political hero? (Somebody asked me this, once, at a job interview as copy editor or something at a shitty libtard alt-weekly in Sacramento about 15 years ago. I said “Clint Eastwood.” Never heard from them again.)
Oooh, that is a good California-flavored answer, though I would have guessed Sonny Bono. I’m going to represent for Illinois and say Abe Lincoln, who was the most honest politician ever to come out of this state after Rod Blagojevich.
And so we close where we left off! Everything in life points back to Rod Blagojevich, it is in the scriptures.
{ 84 comments }
Tits or GTFO!
I feel bad for not speaking up for Ms. Apple’s awesomeness before. Or maybe I did. Regardless, she is funny and I love her.
i’d read all that if i wasn’t so stoned, but from what i could take in, which includes your blingee, you look like you’ve come to the right place, miss apple. i won’t repeat the litter-box joke i made for jack and what’s-her-name. i’m sorry, i don’t remember her name. hang on.
the new sara. of the house of quarrels, from what i can make of her name.
anyway, welcome.
A Wonkette Apparel store!
I would like to place an order for a dozen Sarah Palin magic underwear whitey tighteys with Blingee action please.
Can you send them in unmarked plain brown wrapper? The neighbors tend to gossip.
Jim named a cat Zima? I’m calling PETA.
She is too hot.
[re=602654]Abou Diaby[/re]: No no, it’s As Spock Said: Remember….tits or GTFO.
[re=602654]Abou Diaby[/re]: Evidence of sentience or STFU
Lauri Apple writes good, as well as draws the pretty arts. Me, I just like looking at the pictures here (welcome back, FIT personal training boy!), but for them that likes word-reading, maybe she should write some more here.
Oh, God, here we go again with the tit jokes. Behave, gentlemen! You are in the presence of artistic and comedic genius with Ms. Apple here (there). As Ken wrote apropos of something else, Do not fuck it up. (OK, so he was uncharacteristically polite with Ms. Apple and said “screw.” Whatever.)
But I fear the games are about to begin. Again. ::clutches pearls::
I love that there is now some Chicago Reader in my Wonkette. Because I reside in Chicago (part time, anyways), you see.
PS: Tell Cecil Adams hi.
Gorsh, Lauri Appel- cute much? Again, convagulations.
And can you tell us what ever happened to Mr. Jim Newell’s pet ferret called Cisco? I had heard that it didn’t end well….
I approve of wonkette having actual wonkettes on staff once again. Also, tits.
We in Austin mourn your leaving but celebrate your Wonkettering. Is Zima named for the defunct and clear pretend-beer? I will have a breakfast of migas in your honor!
Oh, and Ken, when you’re filthy rich from the Wonkette Store, please remember to always let Ken be Ken. Words to live by my friend, words to live by.
[re=602658]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: they only make thongs. but thongs for every occasion, just ask Lady Gaga
[re=602667]nappyduggs[/re]:
ferrets are vicious.
Hey everyone,
I’d like to add to my Q&A a PS, and that is: that you Wonkette commenters are the best, funniest, and smartest commenters ever. Some of you are particularly brilliant, but around 85-90% of you are total dazzlers. And bedazzlers, affixing sparkly rhinestones to the posts.
This is sincere. See, I can be sincere too, just like a normal person. Sometimes.
[re=602665]Katydid[/re]:
Track Title : from da back
Album Title : When The Smoke Clears
Date : 2000
Genre : Gangsta
Dear Lauri: Thank you for showing me the way and the light, of Christ. Also, of Wonkette. Also, I wish I could draw real good like you. xoxo Sara B.
I am sorely disappoint that anyone with those glasses has yet to post one article on buttsex. Newell had at least three in the same amount of time. Standards here at Wonkette are really slipping.
Dear Ms. Apple, I would like to know precisely where you were mentally formed in Western Pennsylvania. I ask because I am from there, too (Beaver County), and if we breathed the same air and drank the same well water (yep, we had a well), perhaps I have the painting talent, also!!! I knew the moment I saw your insightful portrait of Senator Grassley that we were soul sisters of the corn. May the Baby Jesus bless you and Zima and your paint brushes.
Dear Mr. Layne, When the Wonkette Apparel Store is up and running, I would like to purchase a dozen pairs of those green gloves that Mitt Romney wears every time he appears in Wonkette. They are damned cute and they look sanitary, too. Very important, especially where I live, surrounded by Jan Brewer’s minions. I wouldn’t want to get the cooties that crawl out from under their Bump-Its.
PS: I think you should call those green things Mittsâ„¢ instead of “gloves” when you write the ad copy. You can have that idea for free. And don’t bother filling out those silly trademark forms — nobody ever checks. Kevin Trudeau told me.)
A very big welcome to [re=602674]Lauri Apple[/re] and [re=602678]Sara Benincasa[/re]. Sorry I missed your welcome post Sara, hope you don’t mind sharing!
Oh, and T-Shirts? Sweet!
What about the “Official Wonkette Bathrobe”? I believe I suggested it before, after Glenn Beck made millions from his website. It’s just that I find putting on t-shirts far too difficult in the morning, as it’s hard to get my arms through the holes while I cling to my guns and my religion. Also, laziness.
Welcome Lauri. Love the arts and crafts. You gots the talents.
Here’s a request: a buffed-out Ronnie Reagan, Dick Cheney, John McCain, and Mittens Romney all in tuxedo t-shirts posed just like Kiss on the cover of Destroyer.
“Feeding Zima” is going to be the name I give my blossoming alcoholism. I hope the Wonkette Apparel Store sells keyboards, because mine doesn’t work after the Steve Blair picture.
Tits Tits Tits! Draw them!!
[re=602665]Katydid[/re]: Ah do declare, all this talk of tits has given me the vapors.
A ‘Wonkit’ unisexual thong would be nice!
[re=602700]Custersdeadhorse[/re]: You are either a man or you have never worn a thong. Goddamm, those things ride up everywhere.
I think I saw some of your things on Etsy. Are you the one who created the crocheted Blagojevich toupee? Being a mixed-medium artist really shows creativity.
I have a question about this “Wonkette Apparel store” which is obviously a front for laundering Layne’s meth money:
Will you sell shirts for talls? Now I will answer the question: No, you will not sell shirts for talls because you are RACIST just like every other internet t-shirt purveyor and you don’t care if tall people ever get to wear “cool” t-shirts. Right now I am wearing a blue $5 “Falcon Bay” pocket T which was probably made by a young North Korean boy using Rayon and tears. But at least “Falcon Bay” sells shirts in tall sizes that don’t expose my navel. Enjoy your precious “apparel,” shorts.
I’m gratified to know that with you around every day the doctor will stay the hell away from Ken.
Welcome Lauri, with her lo-tech, deadpan, colored pencil sketches. What’s next, political wood carvings? Quilted caricatures? Buddhist sand painting humor? I hear construction paper is popular with social satirists.
Welcome Sweet Lauri.
My first request for the esteemed Wonkette Emporium is for Her Lady the Exquisite Artiste Lauri herself to make: The Grande Dame Noonanhamptonshire so as to be affixed forthwith to a shirt in the form of a tee. Let the blessed image contain effluvia of gin or concoctions of tiny valium amulets, etc. etc.
Now please, on to aesthetic creation! Bring Overlord Ken the delicious proceeds of fine art!
Amazing that Newell left for a (presumably) better-paying job, and yet as soon as he left, Wonkette could afford to hire 10 more warm bodies, eh, give or take! But you, Lauri are most welcome and you’ve already proven yourself many times over around here.
One question, though, is it your legal opinion that Jim was in fact eating all of Zima’s cat food which would account for their relative girths?
[re=602721]Historysnuff[/re]: Yes and don’t worry about her “barristers and solicitors.” For indeed they are nothing but figments of her delirium tremens.
[re=602674]Lauri Apple[/re]: Ever hear of a Wacom?
You know the funny thing about PA – they don’t know how to make straight roads. I’ve noticed the same thing about TN. My theory is that they were settled while surveyors still worked off that big rock, or the big oak tree, or the little creek, or whatever. If you’re from one of the later settled states such as Michigan or Illinois you can get extremely disoriented in some of the earlier states.
Oh yeah, The Reader has been cool as shit forever, or at least from the mid 70′s when I first saw it.
[re=602686]Jukesgrrl[/re]: Oddly enough, I take business trips to Beaver Falls about twice a year. It’s a very picturesque area. Which leads me to my problem. “Beaver Falls” sounds like a great punch line, but no matter how I struggle, I can’t find the set up.
Wait — don’t tell me Lauri Apple has red hair! That is too cute by half.
In other words, Lauri Apple is the awesome. How can someone go from being the pitch-perfect Wonkette-illustrator (Wonkestrator?) to writing political humor commentary in Wonkettespeak like that is the only language her parents spoke in the first eight years of her life? A true Renaissance woman, I predict I will soon see Lauri flying around Washington, D.C. in a pedal-powered helicopter of her own invention.
Skipped the entire Q/A; doesn’t matter. What matters is how poor Riley is feeling, since the only chances he had to have an actual desk were thrown out the window when the skirts blew in.
Poor Riley.
Hi Lauri, Escape Goat Nation here.
I’m glad to hear about Zima. Say, could you post some paintings of Zima and perhaps write a few stories about Zima’s humorous exploits?
Thanks, I’ll check in every day for them.
Laurie, dearie, feed your cat, then your art, then your Wonkette readers.
Dear Lauri:
What happened to Steve Timble? Last time I saw the Reader, he was some kind of Editor or something? And I never heard the story of his coming or going.
Cheers,
mark
[re=602658]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Is this new store affiliated with the Blackwater chain? Rather an odd “coincidence”, EH?
welcome, the visual arts are such a relief after all of these words, words, words (quoth Butt-Head: “Uhh, if I wanted to read, I’d go to school.”) But as a native-born Chicagoan, I must leap to the defense of Hizzoner Da Mare: My recollection is that he didn’t threaten anyone with a gun, he threatened to stick a gun up someone’s ass — which is of course an entirely different matter…
Wait, you did WHAT for Rick Perry? As an Austinite, I have to question anyone who ever did anything for him except coif his hair whilst simultaneously rolling their eyes.
needz moar ZIMA paintings.
Hi Lauri! Be sure to get your Ramen from Ken up front, like Sara did!
[re=602739]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: The Artist must suffer.
Dear Lauri,
Is your sister or aunt Fiona Apple? If so, can you please introduce me?
Sincerely,
Barc
I like your teabagger art on trendpiece, but I’d pay good $ for a T-shirt along these lines:
1- Straw hat with multiple teabags hanging
2- Holding sign: “I want my contry back!” (Let’s not go for the gross alternate misspelling)
3- Title: Constitutional Scholar
4- Any other iconic teabagger accoutrements that come to your artistic mind. More inane slogans too, if there’s room.
This would be highly amusing to wear here in Eastern Oregon where such a person would be considered suspiciously liberal.
Thank you
An art lover
I think attire appropriate to wear at a Sally Quinn-involved wedding should be featured at the Wonkette Apparel store.
[re=602674]Lauri Apple[/re]: I’ve said this before, but I really think your work belongs in the NY Museum of Modern Art.
I can see it now: a “Lauri Apple Retrospective.”
Cute AND with glasses, very much in the style of the much revered Ana Marie Cox.
The guru has a thing for girls with glasses.
[re=602727]FlipOffResearch[/re]: Something to do with Intercourse? Work on it.
Lauri, you’re already enjoying the privileges of seniority — Ken was making the other newbies write their own introductions. Okay, he mostly used your words, but you didn’t have to ask your own questions. Except for the freeform essay. And your comment. And the art. Anyway, welcome officially!
Well Hellooo Lauri! You are funny and cute. I would like to be your friend. Please check yes or no.
Nice belated intro, Ken. Smartass or GTFO. (I mean that non-misogynistically.)
[re=602742]trondant[/re]: Ramen in the front, liquor in the back.
a new law: Wonketteers shall NOT Blingee Lauri Apple’s art work or they will be banned for an eternity.
[re=602727]FlipOffResearch[/re]: Oh, why bother with a joke to introduce the punchline? Beaver IS the joke according to every man I’ve ever met who just says, “BEAVER??? Yuk, yuk, yuk.” BTW, I put myself through graduate school selling T-shirts from my high school that were purple and had, printed in bright yellow, a picture of said animal and the words “Golden Beavers” surrounding it. Believe me, they were as popular as anything that will ever be sold in the Wonkette store. My poor little mother could never understand “why somebody who didn’t go to that school would want one of those.”
And the next time you’re floating around the nabe, try out “Hank’s Frozen Custard and Mexican Food” on Route 65 in New Brighton. The frozen custard’s been an institution in Beaver Co. since the 1940s; the homemade tacos, etc., were added in the 1970s. Turns out it’s a fab combo. Car picnic!!
Cute photo! Any chance of a self-portrait along the lines of the Nude Maja???
Zhu Bajie
[re=602671]sati demise[/re]: Ferrets might be useful in Ch. public housing, to keep the rats down!
[re=602779]Jukesgrrl[/re]: Rev. Billy C. Wirtz had a joke about a restaurant sign in Penn. saying “eat at Sadie’s Big Beaver”. Even if the food were bad, the T-shirts’d be cool as Hell, he said.
Ooh! Ooh! Cute and smartypants! Lisa Loeb’s evil twin sister! I wanna borrow that hat !!
Can Zima haz a cheezburger?
Intelligent, creative, pretty, talented, and with a sense of humor: I don’t know about this.
Still, I’m glad she’s not making CD’s with infinitely long titles anymore.
why is John McCain delivering pizza to us????
Sorry, just returned from the yacht. Glad that law school thing worked out. Cheerio.
[re=602750]ZombieRichardFeynman[/re]:
Is “Get a Brain Moran” patented?
[re=602654]Abou Diaby[/re]:
You had to ask: http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2006/04/23/fashion/found.190.jpg
On the plus side, we now have our very own little garbage picker. Wonkette is becoming Calcutta.
[re=602685]WIDTAP[/re]: On the other hand, Newell wrote like Lauri draws. One of them had to go.
Fraud! You can’t be from Western PA. Your name has too few consonanszcz.
[re=602674]Lauri Apple[/re]:
Nice try.
“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” – Camus
Hello, Lauri. You seem like a nice, intellectual blogista socialista. Welcome.
Welcome to the “show”, Lauri.
At first I thought your art pieces looked like they were drawn by an 11-year-old who just took an art class. And then I realized that you meant for it to look like that, because you’re cleverer than me. And then I felt bad about myself so I went to Redstate.com and laughed at the dumbs. Crisis averted.
To: Ms. Lauri Apple and Sara Benincasa. Welcome aboard and I hope you have a pleasant sememster, despite the jokes about the Hair and Tits. Some of the students are unruly, especially on Mondays, but with a liberal dose of snark and the arts they should improve. Er maybe by the time Blogo gets to quit wearing his Orange Jumpsuit.
[re=602836]revbob[/re]: She’s from Johnstown, Pa., the city that tried to drown itself. There were two things to do in Johnston: leave or work for John Murtha. Now that Murtha has entered the big correctional faciliy in the sky, that drowning thing is looking attractive again.
[re=602838]Cmoney[/re]: “Intellectual?” To repeat, she’s from Johnstown. There, a book is something you use only as a coaster for your Iron City.
Welcome Lauri! W’kette is getting dangerously close to having a quality workforce. Union Si!
And perhaps a t-shirt with Joey Barton sucking up to big oil? And do you vajazzle, too? HUGE market for that here, btw.
[re=602739]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: I was wondering the same thing. From Perry to Obama?
Welcome, Lauri.
[re=602837]S.Luggo[/re]: Good quote from Camus.
To think that you went to law school to save the world.
And ended up here.
[re=602727]FlipOffResearch[/re]: Hmmm… Dick Rises, Beaver Falls? Anyway, great writing and art, Lauri. Welcome, also.
Hi, Lauri! You’re cute! Are you single?
Yay! Lauri.
Add Dustbowl Blues as an “editor” (if you can find her – where has the The Wise Hag of OK been, anyway?)
Wombyn rulez.
Hi again everyone,
Thanks for all the nice words. Answering some questions and saying other things:
[re=602715]pirate king of the Jews[/re]: You are not the first to talk to me about doctors in this context! Intrigue.
[re=602731]Escape Goat Nation[/re]: Oooh, that could be fun.
[re=602710]TicChiracTac[/re]: Not me. But that sounds like a great Grandpa’s Day gift.
[re=602733]southern mark smith[/re]: He was before my time, but I can ask.
[re=602689]Hopey dont play that game[/re]: That’s an awesome idea! I will make it.
[re=602739]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Oh, I just lived under his glorious reign. Never met the guy. Definitely never worked for him.
[re=602748]Barcode of the Apocalypse[/re]: Ha, her full name is “Fiona Apple McAfee Maggart.” She’s not one of us, she’s an IMPOSTOR.
I would pay many $$ for a t-shirt with Barack’s birf certif. (US, Kenya, whatever)
Welcome.
[re=602689]Hopey dont play that game[/re]: Woah.
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