Cartoon Violence!By the Comics Curmudgeon
Normally this feature only brings you terrifying visions of nightmare horror, like rivers of blood and naked Dick Cheney and such. Editorial cartoons are full of these things, because editorial cartoonists think that they’re “edgy,” and much darker and realer than the people who draw, like, Blondie, man. But with so much genuine pain and suffering in the world, we thought maybe we’d take a different tack this week, showing you the lighter side of editorial cartooning, full of love and happiness and adorable critters! Get ready for hugging, after the jump.

Click on the cartoons to make them larger and cuter!

Like these dinosaurs! Aren’t they cute? All round and colorful and plush-looking. I like the way that the orange one’s eyeballs are floating six inches above its head, not really attached to anything. And he says “son of a T-Rex,” an adorable fake swear. They represent your state’s absolutely darling budget, and they’re about to be wiped out by the meteor of Medicaid costs. Except that the “meteor” looks more like a delicious meatball! Awwww! (Also, every state in the union will be bankrupt, soon, because of poor people and their insatiable need for health care.)

Also adorable: animals that walk on their hind legs and talk and love, as humans do! And, by extension, humans who pretend to be such animals, by dressing in elaborate costumes, are lovable as well. Many of these costume enthusiasts can be found among Wall Street’s investment banking set, because there’s nothing that helps blow off steam after a 19-hour-day of bundling up doomed mortgages and abusing cocaine like a good yiffpile. But now the liberal Big Government wants to impose regulations on Wall Street’s furry fun. Fortunately, our Ivy League hotshots are smarter than the state college kids running the enforcement agencies: maybe it’s illegal to wear a fursuit, but you can get around it by wearing another fursuit inside that fursuit. “Why, no, there isn’t a person in here, just a walking, talking animal, to which your laws don’t apply!”

And you know who else is just cute as a button? Soccer fans! Ha, with their fresh-faced innocence. This one, who, in his spirit of One World Order fair play, isn’t rooting for a particular team but just the “World Cup” as a whole, has traveled back in time several months specifically to harass this bar of surly, drunken real football fans, who are just trying to enjoy real football in peace. Because doing anything remotely different from the mainstream is always a calculated attempt to irritate that mainstream, our time-traveling soccer aficionado will no doubt offer a “spoiler” about the winner of the 2010 Superbowl, which everyone knows is the third worst thing a time traveler can do (right behind killing one of your own grandparents and seducing one of your own grandparents).

And, uh, that’s pretty much all I’ve got for cute this week. Here, enjoy this drawing of a spectacularly drunk Uncle Sam, vomiting into a toilet after getting “drunk” on too much “Hope and Change”-brand discount bourbon-style liquor product. Ha ha, his butt is round and fat, which is … kind of cute, maybe? I think the drop of liquid coming from the general direction of his nose, which I hope is supposed to be sweat, and not the barf that sometimes comes out your nostrils during a particularly vigorous session of yacking, is a nice touch. At least there aren’t puke chunks in his little chinbeard.

Aaaaannnd since I’ve ruined the “cute” theme I might as well show you this giant mechanical dildo device, with which BP is literally raping the Earth, so as to ruin your weekend as well.

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  1. Fruhl, Fruhl, they had cake in my office today, but after your nostril-yacking digression, I don’t want any. You’re back on the “naughty” list.

  2. I’m so sad that Jebus let poor people kill the dinosaurs. We could have used them now to make more oil and stuff.

    Uncle Sam should just smoke a doobie. No upchucking… unless you eat too much after a munchie binge.

  3. As soon as I read the intro to this column I knew it was some kind of trick. And yeah, that little World Cup sissy is going to get creamed — if there’s anything football fans won’t abide, it’s having their football interrupted during the highly contentious June season.

  4. The Glenn McCoy is all-purpose this week: Every other day you can just slap a new label on the bottle (for him, “liberals”, “Rachel Maddow”, “social justice”, “empathy”, etc) and voila — biting social satire.

    All he needs is the weeping statue of liberty from the Onion editorial cartoons standing over uncle sam, forcing his head into the toilet bowl (or pulling it out, whatever), and he’ll never have to draw another cartoon again. Which would be nice.

  5. Wait, I understand that the “state budget” dinosaurs are playing in the World Cup, but why is the ball labeled “medicaid costs”?

  6. [re=602086]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I don’t think it’s actually a sports bar that the soccer geek is walking into. Firstly, as you noted, it’s June so no football. Secondly there are like four different team logos in there. Would that even happen? No, I’m suspecting that what we have here is a glimpse into a very narrow gay subculture in which the participants dress up as surly hetero football fans, meet at a friendly bar to perpetrate their charade for a bit and then retire to the parking lot to form some sort of pile (no doubt there’s a word for it). Perhaps the soccer geek is a predesignated trigger in this scenario. I did hear Zidane mention something about a trigger in one of his Adidas commercials.

  7. [re=602108]Lucidamente[/re]: . . . the band was playing a hot tuna, Salmon Chanted Evening. The stage was surrounded by screaming groupers, probably there to see the bass player. Pretty soon I noticed this cute little yellowtail giving me the eye. . .
    Gotta love that Kip Adotta

  8. Ha! I KNOW that bar. That’s the Lil’ Pub on Pennsylvania Ave., just west of 8th Street. Sort of a diverse, intellectual, shot-and-beer place full of middle-aged, pro-football-watchin’ drunkards. Everybody seems to know everyone else there, and the bartenders, on a first-name basis.

  9. That dinosaur cartoon is unbelievable. Those of us that believe in the dinosaur killed by meteor theory don’t believe that Medicaid is going to lead to the destruction of everything, everywhere and those that do believe that Medicare will destroy everything, everywhere don’t believe in the dinosaur killed by meteor theory.

  10. Oh, Mr. Glenn McCoy, you came so close to getting one right this time! But you mislabeled that bottle of “The Bush Years” as “Hope & Change.”

    (Hope & Change was supposed to go on the bottle of aspirin, which you left out entirely.)


  11. That’s bullshit. No self-respecting Steelers fan with the ability to grow one (not gender-exclusive!) would watch football without a mustache.

  12. One difference between American football and football football, which you Americans refer to as soccer, is that American football is watched by fat, middle aged men in bars smoking cigarettes and drinking beer, who haven’t touched a football in 20 years, whereas soccer (known throughout the rest of the world as football) is watched by fat, middle aged men in bars smoking cigarettes and drinking beer who quite frequently spend their Saturdays kicking a ball around, even playing in leagues.

  13. Here in Australia (just as, I suspect, in the U.S.), it’s great fun watching soccer fans hoot (for a few weeks every four years) about how their “real” football will be the biggest game here in a few years.

    We have two dominant codes of football – Rugby and Australian Rules. A word of warning may be appropriate here – When speaking to a passionate Aussie Rules supporter (like your humble, St. Kilda FC loving Captain), do not ever, EVER, call it rugby… But I digress.

    Just as with Pro-Football in America, soccer comes in a long way behind the two top codes here- and I suspect for similar reasons.

    If you are used to watching a code of football where a player being stretchered from the field with a broken bone protruding through the skin or needing a knee reconstruction is almost expected to wave to the crowd as if he’d nicked himself shaving, it’s hard to take seriously a game where a player reacts to the slightest ankle tap with five minutes of writhing in mock agony – and even harder to understand why the crowd isn’t just roaring with laughter, as would be case with a pro-football, rugby or Aussie rules crowd if any player dared to embarass themselves (and their guernsey) with such a display.

  14. [re=602594]Captain Swing[/re]: As a NZer, I resent your attempt to conflate league and union into a creamy homogenous whole called Czechoslovakia, I mean rugby. Equivalent to your country’s heinous “Australasian” appropriation of our soccer success! Also, those predicting soccer’s takeover of Australia are overlooking the fact that the natives only enjoy sports they can globally dominate. Once AUS is (imminently) bundled unceremoniously out of the World Cup, the abrupt national amnesia and switch of loyalties to other sports will be enough to make George Orwell spin in his grave.

  15. [re=602713]grevillea[/re]: Apologies, my friend – There are several codes of Rugby. I should have specified Rugby League as being the dominant Rugby code in Oz. My condolences on your All Whites being robbed by the Italian Shakespeare Company, as we were in 2006. Hopefully your men will make it to the knock-out round, and hopefully it will be at the expense of the aforementioned divers.

    I do, however, take exception to your comment about us only caring about sports we dominate the world in (even though there are many…) Aussie Rules is indigeneous to Oz, and is by far the most fanatically followed sport here. Not surprising, really, given that it is the most spectacular team sport in the known universe… But I’m prejudiced, of course :)

  16. [re=602746]Captain Swing[/re]: Oh, I agree wholeheartedly about AFL. My only real interest in sport is perving at the players and AFL is the hands-down winner in that department!

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