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America's new Frank Rich.Hello there. I’m noted political pundit, expert and guru Sara Benincasa, and I’m pleased as Kenyan-Hawaiian punch to debut my weekly Wonkette column, “Barry Can You Hear Me?” This is a column in which I write down my thoughts about our president, each week, for you. You’re welcome!

Hoo boy, what a week, am I right? I say “boy” to no one in particular, and certainly not to our president, who is not a boy, but a strapping, tall, well-muscled man! Historically, white women who call black men “boys” are also inclined to demand that near-strangers bust up their chiffarobes, and I do not own one of these.

(Chiffarobes! Not black men! LOLOLOLOL! You guys!)

This week, the greatest governmental leader in the history of leaders of governments faced the usual tidal wave of oppressive criticism from pea-brained Neanderthals and thuggish jerk-cowards, all of whom are at least part-time members of the KKK.

On Monday, Obama traveled to Oil Death, Alabama, to snack on the luckiest fried ocean corpses in the world. He called the Gulf Coast seafood “delicious.” Can you imagine what it would be like to travel through Our President’s alimentary canal? If I were lucky enough to get inside that noble tummy, I’d try to stay in for as long as I could, even if I had already been worked into a sludge by secretin, cholecystokinin, and gastrin and ghrelin!

Unfortunately, not everybody shares our Fishmonger-in-Chief’s fondness for dead ocean things from the Gulf of Mexico:

Steve Platts, a resident of Gulfport, Mississippi, who used to eat seafood daily, now insists he will no longer eat fish from local waters. He thinks that between the oil and the dispersant chemicals used to clear the slick, the health risk is too high. “I don’t want to fish or eat the fish anymore,” Platts lamented, “I don’t trust anything coming out of the Gulf.”

This is sad, when a local human has lost trust in the bloated diesel-flavored corpses of sea beasts that emerge from a nearby wretched dead zone, especially when our national dad says it’s cool, go ahead and try it, you’ll like it.

On Tuesday, no one could deny the rousing eloquence of Obama’s big speech from the Oval Office, a speech that was exactly like “I Have a Dream” plus Nixon’s Checkers speech plus whatever the fuck Jesus said on the cross combined, only better.

The speech was so great that on Wednesday, the Swedish chef in charge of BP said, “Smyorgen byurgen byorgen schmyorgen,” which means, “Here, put some of our Swedish Fish™ in your Gulf, they are delicious!” At this point he gave Barack a check for like a kabillion dollars, again, because of the good speech. Then Carl-Henric Svanberg scuttled back into the gnome-palace where he dwells, watching very dour silent films about Death.

Then on Thursday, while Tony Hayward was getting stretched on the rack, Obama put on a magic suit and flew to outer space, where he pushed the Earth back so that we went back in time, and he saved us from an even greater disaster that could have happened, only we’ll never know it, because he is sworn to secrecy. That is the only reason for his “cool” as a “cucumber” approach to this oil spill. He knows how bad it could have been.

Now it is Friday, hooray! Obama will probably spend Shabbos with a few close friends, and then he will go to sleep, stuffed full of challah and an unwavering commitment to Israel. His dreams will be sweet, soaked in seawater and blood and the flop-sweat of many oil company CEOs. He’ll take a good long rest, and on Monday, he’ll wake up to a clear and clean Gulf, because of faith.

Sara Benincasa covers the White House from her one-room apartment next to Ground Zero, where she knits fuzzy sweaters for her future step-children, Sasha and Malia.

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161 COMMENTS

  1. Hello,
    I saw you once on the street in Berlin in November 2008 but I didn’t let on because I didn’t want my friends to know that I rad the internet.
    True story.
    Your Invisible Pal,
    God, Country and Jail

  2. Sara, I am trying to wean myself off of the bad bad political news and such, for the sanity and the blood pressure, and I think your column will do just fine as a week-end “wrap-up”, if you will. This will do. Yes, this will do just fine. Thanks for helping me wean! Oh, and … welcome!

  3. Sara, let me be the first to say I’d be more than happy to bust up your chiffarobe.

    (So that’s what the kids are calling it these days?)

  4. I have a theory that we are in an alimentary canal. We’re in it either because of meanness (and we know there’s no pleasure in life but meanness, Bobby Lee), or because we did something really terrible, individually. Either way, until we break down into constituent parts and are absorbed, here we are, waiting for passage.

  5. [re=601975]God, Country, and Jail[/re]: REALLY?! That’s so cool! I was there to talk about political comedy. Thank you for telling me that. I will return to masturbating to the “Yes We Can” video now.

  6. You know…in the “About Sara” part of her site, it lists a lot of names of people/magazines that think she’s keen. THERE IS NOT ONE QUOTE FROM WONKETTE?

    Once again, I am willing to step up to the plate:

    Sara Benincasa has beautiful eyes.

  7. If only Tony Hayward were put on a rack. “Excellent!”*

    *I think that applies to Iron Maidens only.

    Another ginger? Plus she’s cute and has a sense of humor. Can we keep her, Ken?

  8. It’s too bad President Obama and Carl-Henric Svanberg aren’t handcuffed together and wandering through the rural South like Tony Curtis and Sidney Poitier in The Defiant Ones — then instead of this adversarial relationship they’d’ve learned something about their common humanity. But $20 billion isn’t so bad either.

  9. [re=601989]torera[/re]: There are three spellings, including “chifforobe.” Southern people are illiterate, which explains the variations in spelling of their main words.

  10. What to get the National Dad Who Has Everything But a Birf Certificate, for Father’s Day? Would a tape of his old campaign speeches be too passive aggressive?

    I think I am going to make him one of those cheap homemade coupons: Redeem for One Positive Presidential Approval Rating In Face of A Gulf Disaster.

  11. The chiffarobe-busting industry was never the same after Harper Lee wrote her book.

    Welcome, Sara. I was thinking “Wonkette” should change its name to “Wonkette: Except Now With More Dudes!”

  12. The more I think of it, the more I realize that these blood and oil-infested Gulf waters will make excellent Cthulhul breeding grounds–watch out Gulf residents for that sexy new stranger in town!

  13. [re=601986]MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend[/re]: Is she actually a ginger or is she just jerking our chain like that Jack Sprat/Steuf guy?

  14. …the Swedish chef in charge of BP said, “Smyorgen byurgen byorgen schmyorgen,” which means, “Here, put some of our Swedish Fish™ in your Gulf, they are delicious!”

    OK, Sara, you got me with this one.

  15. [re=602016]rambone[/re]: Oh wait, my bad. Just took a gander at the pic. The boobs quotient has been more than amply fulfilled.

    Bless you Layne!

  16. Not completely convinced so far with the Barry-is-my-imaginary-boyfriend schtick (kind of 2008, plus I thought there was only room for one Wonkette ‘Sara’ in my heart), but your Sarah Palin vlogs were crazy funny (Tina who?) and also, you are teh hot. So … you may continue.

  17. [re=601994]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Nice. But wouldn’t it be more like Rosey Grier and Ray Milland in “The Thing With Two Heads”?

  18. Wonkette has a good history with a Sarah who dropped the H from her name, so hopefully this is a sign that you will do well. In fact, all XX-having editors have missing letters from their names, and it is good to see that tradition continue.

  19. [re=601978]Vulpes82[/re]: The word nerd in me is pleased as punch to summarize the etymology of the word chiffarobe for you:

    Chiffonier (a type of dresser) + wardrobe (a type of free-standing closet) = Chiffarobe!

    Pretty clever, those Southerners, eh?

  20. Swedish chef and BP chairman Carl-Henric “You Small People” Svanberg was CEO of telecom giant Ericsson before he came to BP. Before that, he was head of a lock-company named Assa Abloy. He is living proof that you don’t have to know anything about what a company does in order to be in charge of it. This is because of our wonderful Free Enterprise System.

  21. [re=601994]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I would like it if they were linked together in the form of the Human Centipede. But Barry gets firsties.

  22. [re=602000]Clancy_Pants[/re]: Thanks! So it’s just an armoire. Who says Wonkette is all anal sex jokes and crude ginger-baiting? It’s educational!

  23. [re=602024]Sara Benincasa[/re]: Why, you are adorable. I resented you initially, as I resent all new contributors to Wonkette, and all of the SNL writers, (and the Onion staff, and The Daily Show writers, fuck, I resent everyone, really) because I know that in a fair and just universe, I would have those jobs. But you are just a cute kid, and you paid attention to me, and from your words, and your flirtatious, coy charm, I can tell, you recognize my genius, and have fallen in love with me, oh, I see the secret messages you send to me even in your replies to others. I feel it, too; and it is no passing infatuation, no ordinarty love, even, no, it was ordained before the creation of the universe, that you and I would find each other, my love. Do you currently have a stalker in your life? If so, I know it will be painful, but he or she must go, I was destined to be your stalker, finally, I have discovered my life’s purpose.

  24. [re=602052]Prommie[/re]: I encourage you to murder any other stalkers I have, as they are probably dumb and do not read Wonkette. Just don’t wear my skin, and we will be fine.

  25. [re=602046]Vulpes82[/re]: Oh for fuck’s sake, its more than an armoire, its the equivalent of “my etchings,” used when white southern tri-delts are trying to lure a strapping black buck into their bedroom to seduce him.

  26. Hey, I’ve been to Benincasa once. I love the part where that one guy catches a shrimp in his hat, and then everyone pounds the table and shouts “SAKI BOMB!!!!”

    Welcome, also.

  27. [re=602040]Sara Benincasa[/re]: I imagine them at the beach, the shirtless Barry holding a sno-cone while the dour and aloof Carl-Henric recoils in horror at the sand fleas and seaweed, only to watch as turdy globs of oil start coming ashore.

  28. [re=602073]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Everything that you just said makes me feel so happy I want to throw up, like a nervous fangirl.

  29. Bienvenida Sara. We wonders, does Barry keep any chantilly lace in his chiffarobe wear for special when he’s meeting with Puta Putin?

  30. [re=602076]Sara Benincasa[/re]: Oh, there’s more where that came from.
    Ahem — and can the rest of you leave us alone for a bit? There’s some cute cartoons two threads over.

  31. “Here, put some of our Swedish Fish™ in your Gulf, they are delicious!”

    Actually, Louisiana could probably start a booming lutefisk business. I mean why fuck up perfectly good fish? Their fish would come from the ocean pre-fucked up. Plus a little diesel flavoring might kill that horrible drano taste.

  32. [re=602090]notreallyhelping[/re]: So “Sweet Home” was about suicide? Please don’t tempt me to appreciate something about Lynyrd Skynyrd.

  33. [re=602032]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Hail, fellow word nerd! Want to make out? (Etymology makes me hot; my favorite Christmas present, possibly ever, was an etymological dictionary.)

  34. You people disgust me.

    As if this “Sara” creature could ever replace Dame Peggaton of Noonenshire as an object of sexual desire.

    Particularly after two quarts of Longs Drugstore gin, and a couple of ‘ludes.

  35. [re=602066]Ken Layne[/re]: Oh, Ken, you’re not a REAL Southerner; you’re from that Frenchie Catholic fagsville New Orleans with that strangely-Northeastern accent, not the proper, godfearin’ Baptist twang.

  36. Oh Sara! Your first literary allusion has been immensely successful! Next time step it up with something from J.’s Ulysses; separate the merely well read from the effete elite!

  37. by the god-emperor, ken’s gone on a hiring spree! who is the deep-pocketed financial backer keeping mister layne and his coterie of newly-hired interschkubs on retainer, i wonder? is moonlighting as a rent boy involved? i demand wonkette meta-scoop this, post-haste!

  38. [re=602128]Vulpes82[/re]: I think it was Lazy Media that nailed it in a comment yesterday–it’s Babdist. At least that’s how they pronounce it in the Confederate South, a place that I have spent most of my life, unfortunately. SIGH

    And fer god’s sake, would y’all cover yourselves?! Ken hires a lovely new typist who has the boobs and the ginger and the funny and everyone’s just cold jizzin’ all over the place. (i’m happy too, yay!)

  39. [re=602112]NopantsMcGee[/re]: Jesus, I wish I had her fanbase. Those people will follow her to the ends of the earth and back again.

  40. Sara, you helped me survive the horrible Walnuts/Snowbilly Grifter ’08 campaign. Without your Palin Vlog I would have lost my mind.

    This is a WIN for The Wonkettes.

  41. Sara,
    Welcome aboard. More humor and less earnestnessedness is always welcome. Lurve the Sarah Palin videos. Hope the stand-up is going well. Say ‘hi’ to Ces for me. Anything else I need to do to qualify as a stalker-in-training?

  42. Why is every other (white) female between 20 and 30 named Sara(h)? The rest are Caitlyn or Kaila or Kelly, in various spellings. Welcome anyway.

  43. [re=602037]Aurelio[/re]: Indeed, the man who ran the last company I worked for (a CDROM and DVD manufacturer) came from a company that made ice cream sammiches. This is true.

  44. [re=602158]MarSF[/re]: Thank you so much. That means a lot to me. We conned the HuffPo into paying us money to wear wigs and talk funny, which is a victory for Libruls Everywhere.

  45. Hi Sara, you’re a very lucky woman. Where I come from, woman such as yourself don’t have jobs .. just cats. Lots and lots of cats.

  46. Welcome! We desperately need another woman’s touch. And anyone who quotes Miss Nelle is fine w/me (please ignore previous poster @ quoting J.’s doorstop of a book—- wonketteers tend to veer off course on our own as it is.).

  47. Ok- welcome but please respect the same request I give every new Wonkiblogger: I never want to see you, bathtub, legs, akimbo, and hard night drinking in the same picture. I don’t care if Riley is in the tub with you. Just no, ok, just no.

  48. Oh there goes NOBAMER again! FORCING the free market organizations of the world to hire a woman!

    Why does Obama hate our freedom to discriminate? :(

  49. Smart, dead-funny, cuter than all get out, flirts like hell with the commentariat on the first outing and busts out with “chiffarobe”? Gawd damn! She’s like Scarlett O’Hara at the Twelve Oaks barbeque!

    Can I fetch you another mint julep, Miss Sara? Can I fix you another plate of fried chicken, Miss Sara? Can I fan your brow, Miss Sara? Can I be your footstool, Miss Sara?

    I’m sorry but that other “Sara” is soooo dead to me.

    Sara is dead! Long live Sara!

    In other words: Welcome, Sara! And I do mean welcome.

  50. In this thread, we pander to the cute affirmative action girl with the made up name. Here, meet my friend, Jacob Beninthegarage and his girlfriend, Laura Beninthekitchen.

  51. Welcome to the Land of Little Lost Wonketeers Ms. Sara. Such decorum thus far!

    And kudos to Overlord Ken for upping the absurdist and fap factors simultaneously .

  52. [re=601986]MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend[/re]:
    Ever since Newell was pink-slipped for frequent misuse of the subjunctive, I’ve noticed that Wonkette has lacked that certain, je ne sais quoi, feminine touch.

    Still waiting.

  53. Anyone that can quote the Swedish Chef is OK by me.
    Also, we need someone who can put the “ette” in Wonkette.
    Sara, how do you feel about Frogs?
    Just asking.

  54. [re=601978]Vulpes82[/re]: I once moved a chiffarobe. For real. It had a secret compartment in the back and a wavy mirror. But I didn’t rape nobody.

  55. The last time I got Swedish fish in my Gulf, I lost a pair of tweezers and my Dick Cheney sock puppet. The ER doc had a few questions, but I just smiled and smiled, ’cause I got some Obamacare and that cleared it right up.

    Welcome aboard Sara.LOVE your vlogs.

  56. Sara, you need to know there are chics watching… and judging. So far, so good, make sure Ken issued you a real banhammer, just in case.

  57. I don’t recall this much coy flirting when Newell was here, you nerds. He’s probably sitting in his apartment weeping great big ginger tears as he reads this.

    Everyone chill out, yer slobbering all over the Wonkettes. THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS!!1!

  58. [re=602343]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Wait, you’re …. French? .. oh, …….. i’m so , …. disappointed. I expected more from such a sweet yet assertive puppy dog avatar.

    [re=602366]imissopus[/re]: The Red Newell is counting his gold bars at Gawker even as we speak — (hate to be redundant, but It’s ALL About the Rent!! my friend.

    and ps. the only ones slobbering are the ones w/the XY chromosones, methinks. The fairer sex, we don’t slobber; we flickr our long lashes flirtingly, then raise our eyebrows just a tad… at least, that’s the way we do it below the Mason/Dixon Line.

  59. Your breasts have no effect on me, Sara, as I too wield a bosom of considerable might. I nevertheless find you intimidating, so nice job.

  60. I would like you to write some stories about Cats because I have two pet Cats and I like to read them stories about Cats.
    Their names are Chub-Chub and Sneakyboots so you can incorporate them into your next story.

  61. Sara, you are one funny lady! Last night I spent an hour or two watching your videos on YouTube, and I was dying from laughter. I just watched the Sarah Palin Vlog #11-Kanye again. It’s hilarious…I’m paraphrasing here, but “[black people] have worked hard for 50 years of slavery, and it’s time we entertained them…”

    Also too, again paraphrasing, “I want black people to be free, but not too free.”

    Welcome, is what I mean to say. Your hilarity, and, let’s be frank, your big boobs, will make you a huge hit on Our Wonkette!

  62. But…but…what happens to this column when the (Rand) Paul/Angle ticket takes the country by storm in 2012? And digestive tract? Ewwww. Also.

  63. [re=602356]Abou Diaby[/re]: That must be a recent photo – over her left shoulder, above the cereal and below the seasonings, you can see where Ken advanced her first three months’ salary.

  64. [re=602356]Abou Diaby[/re]: My, my, my. Sara B. must have been very popular with boys in high school. And the teachers too. Thanks.
    Although I do not believe in objectifying women (yeah, right), I shall keep that image forever burned in memory whenever I read one of her columns.

    But back to original point: Show us your bodacious tatas, Ms. Benincasa!

    Sigh. I miss Newell. He would have banned me by now.

  65. She missed the gayz. WoooHoo! Iz yore feesh from the Gulf, orr frum Sweeten. “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”! HAAHAHHAAA SARA FUNNYYPERSON!
    Now that is summ funny sheat!

  66. You crack me up every time. Being a vegetarian i find the the stuff about munching on dead burnt sea critters especially funny. i’m subscribed to your WordPress blog (in fact i found Wonkette through the June 19th post on your WordPress blog) and your YouTube channel – i use the same name as i do here for my YouTube channel (misterpantybuns). i’m a bit perplexed by a comment someone left earlier on this post stating that they didn’t see Wonkette quotes on your blog. Huh? They wanted you to quote yourself perhaps in addition tho the link to Wonkette you provided and your column here? YOU ARE FANTASTIC! You have me R.O.F.L.M.F.A.O. every time i read your blogs or watch your vlogs or YouTube videos. Great stuff. Love ya.

  67. [re=602919]Sgt. Biyatch[/re]: The voice for the Bachmann is spot on; she could be the Tina Fey of Minnesota accent impersonators. It’s a shame Benincasa is actually cute, because it ruins the comedy of Bachmann’s perennial efforts to push her skull out through her skin.

  68. [re=603501]Mad Brahms[/re]: Rejoinder to my own comment: I guess I hadn’t watched the “HOMOSEXUALS!” one yet. The skull-popping effect is much improved. Frighteningly so. SARA STOP THAT IT IS PURE NIGHTMARE FUEL.

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