Tony Hayward Fired As Director of Oil Spill

  well this should plug the well

No more dish-washing soap for you, Tony.Famous congressional punching bag Tony Hayward will have a “different role” at BP, according to British Petroleum’s teevee channel, “SkyNews.” We read this on the Twitter, which is where all important news is now posted, so we won’t notice it. BP’s chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg, last in the news for incorrectly referring to America’s fat people as “small people,” told the UK news channel that Hayward’s idiotic comments have apparently “had detrimental effects as the company seeks to control the fallout from the disaster.”

But Hayward hasn’t been fired. Instead, somebody named “Bob Dudley” will be in charge of the oil spill disaster, because he is presumably better at talking.

“This has now turned into a reputation matter, financial and political and that is why you will now see more of me,” Svanberg said. Europeans sure see things in funny ways! [SkyNews]

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A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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50 comments

  1. The Unfairman

    “This has now turned into a reputation matter, financial and political and that is why you will now see more of me,”

    Realy, it’s all OUR fault for thinking it was matter of environment, sustainability, botched safety regulations and poor government oversight in the first place.

    How dare we put this kind of political and financial pressure on poor corporation! Don’t ‘Merkans know that corporations are people, too?

  2. jus_wonderin

    “This has now turned into a reputation matter, financial and political and that is why you will now see more of me”…”as Hayward wants his life back and we, BP, need a guy with a target drawn on him to take over future press briefings. Woe, is me.”

  3. I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO

    “This has now turned into a reputation matter, financial and political and that is why you will now see more of me,”

    Of course, this is EXACTLY what you want to say to make people feel better about BP’s reputation and political acumen in regards to the gulf oil disaster.

  4. Oblios Cap

    Tony’s got his life back! Huzzah! No more working weekends and having to pretend to care.

  5. queeraselvis v 2.0

    Frankly, Carl-Henric, I think BP’s “reputation matter” has long been settled. But hey, keep oiling that pelican!

  6. SayItWithWookies

    Two months after the Deepwater Horizon blows up, killing eleven people, then sinking and causing the worst environmental disaster in our history, Mr. Svanberg starts worrying about BP’s reputation. Yeah, they might want to focus on stopping that gusher, lest some human being tucked away on a remote island without access to communication of any kind for the past 60 days decides BP isn’t the vast repository of technological know-how they purport to be.

  7. Katydid

    Why does that quote remind me of The Major-General’s Song from The Pirates of Penzance?

  8. Terry

    ““This has now turned into a reputation matter, financial and political and that is why you will now see more of me,” Svanberg said.”

    …and the small people rejoyced.

  9. Katydid

    [re=601853]Fox n Fiends[/re]: As an aside, I fucking hate the word “pundit.” It has no real meaning, and anyone who calls themselves a “pundit” is just begging to be punched in the face.

  10. DemmeFatale

    Used to live in London, and have received astonishing emails from Brits I know, (who should know better!), whingeing about our “brutal treatment” of BP and widdle Tony.
    What the hell are they hearing over there?!

  11. x111e7thst

    [re=601860]DemmeFatale[/re]: Time to start bombing Newcastle. There are bunches of brown people there so that will make them like us again.

  12. TGY

    “Hi, I’m Bob. Bob for BP.”

    When BP really fouled the waves,
    In Pres. Obama’s time,
    The CEOs did not pretend
    To intellectual eminence
    or scholarship, sublime.

    Yet BP really fouled the waves
    In Pres. Obama’s glorious days
    &etc

    You have TP for BP, Bob? TP for my oilhole? Are you threatening me?

  13. NotNotLickingToads

    [re=601860]DemmeFatale[/re]: Yeah, it’s really f-ing bizarre…my only explanation is that a lot of British pension funds are heavily invested in BP stock.

  14. Terry

    [re=601860]DemmeFatale[/re]:

    I’ve heard the same thing. British friends saying that this spill isn’t that bad, that the hubbub is just the Americans trying to get a lot of money out of poor BP. I watch the BBC and I’m sure they’re aren’t getting this info from there. Probably Murdock’s station over there.

  15. ella

    I want Tony’s life. He made it clear yesterday that his “life” is lived in a bubble of seeing nothing, hearing nothing and doing nothing. And now there’s less of it! For $6 million a year.

  16. TGY

    [re=601860]DemmeFatale[/re]: We whinge on them as they whinge on Europeans (EU, especially). It’s the great Circle of Whinge. The sad thing is, we’ve forgotten the French, all smugly snuggled with their nuclear reactors. We’ll have to wait until one of them Chernobylizes so that everyone may return to shunning berets as is right and just.

  17. Anonymous Office Zombie

    “This has now turned into a reputation matter, financial and political and that is why you will now see more of me,” Svanberg said.

    Svanberg went on to say, “You see, appearance is everything, and that’s all BP cares about. If I can say a bunch of stuff that sounds good on camera, it will restore BP’s reputation, and then we all gets rich and powerful again. Pretty good plan, eh, guv? Oh, wait. Why am I admitting to these things out loud? Maybe I wasn’t the choice for replacement.”

  18. coolcatdaddy

    “This has now turned into a reputation matter, financial and political and that is why you will now see more of me,” Dudley said, previewing the latest advertising slogan from BP…

  19. Geogre

    Ahhhh, well, Swedes get consciences from their nanny state educations, but corporations remove souls before they promote anyone past VP status, so it’ll be interesting to see….

    Nah. Swedes also have skinheads and shitheels same as anyone else, and Bob the Dudley has already said insulting-things-not-explainable-by-translation-error. He hasn’t pulled an Alberto Gonzales, but he has done the arrogant smirk.

    I’m telling you: they’re setting themselves up for digging in and fighting. When they hire former GOPers as flaks, they’re getting into Congressional staff.

  20. Cape Clod

    Translation:
    “The stupid, bloody git just gave away 20 billion dollars of our bloody money!”

  21. progressiveinga

    [re=601847]CivicHoliday[/re]: She’s busy looking for someone to punch in the throat.

  22. MissyLissa

    [re=601829]The Unfairman[/re]: But corporations are people. Didn’t you read Citizens United?

  23. McDuff

    Given all that’s happened, shouldn’t “I’m from BP and I’m here to help” now be the official scariest sentence in the English language?

  24. Weeping Jesus

    They should have picked a guy from Glasgow or Yorkshire to be the spokesmodel for BP. No one would understand a word he says and we’d wonder if he was cracking on us or being contrite.

  25. Bearbloke

    [re=601879]proudgrampa[/re]: “Bob Dudley” is his pr0n-name….

    Now that Pommy Git Hayward has the shambles of his life back, how long d’ya think it’ll take until his maid finds Hayward’s nude lifeless gin-soaked petroleum-coated body hanging in the upstairs auto-erotic asphyxiation closet… my moolah’s on 11 days…

  26. gertrudis

    Maybe Tony should’ve stolen a line from the great American inventor, Thomas Edison, in his Congressional testimony: “I haven’t failed, I’ve found 10,000 ways that don’t work”.

    I think he and Alvin Greene should start a crisis communications consulting firm. They can specialize in finding new ways to say nothing of substance.

  27. Neilist

    Speaking of “firing squads” . . . .

    The sign-up sheet is in my office.

    Preference will be given to those who have some experience with firearms, and/or think that Neilist is an ASSHOLE (or both).

    Neilist
    Director of Corporate Relations
    Small Arms Division
    British Petroleum (We’re the “Fuck YOU!” Company!)

  28. getoffmylawn

    New reality show: Tony and Kate Plus 8, the real life story of a fun-loving couple and their alleged spawn, all of whom operate a small snack stand and shrimping operation based in Grand Isle, LA.

  29. Diamante

    Goddamnit. Nuke the damn thing and be done with it. Isn’t that what the russians do? Tony Hayward looked like he’d rather have been anywhere else – but goddamnit – let’s fill his living room with 1,000 oil covered avian and sea creatures flopping about in their last breaths. He just sat there and seemed to be either on high amounts of prozac or completely clueless (which I doubt) or completely callous (quite possibly) to the devastation to our gulf. May the gods please let me have one – just one- good go at him? I’ll even give him three seconds to the door. If I see this man in hell, I will personally serve his ass up to Satan.

  30. GreenHalo

    [re=601860]DemmeFatale[/re]: First and foremost, “whingeing” is supposed to rhyme with “signing” and “shining,” right? Because otherwise it rhymes with “cringing,” which is just about right in this specific case, but otherwise sucks buttholes.

    Hayward whined like a fat kid with influential parents. Speaking as an American, I fart loudly at any suggestion he’ll suffer at all, ever, any more than the gang of idiots responsible for Iran/Contra ever suffered at all ever. Magic unicorns aside, Obama will be lucky to return to spend four years as a lame duck (“it’s only his sixth year in office!”). Eight distinct kinds of shit are going to hit the fan in the next two years, and Disappointed Dad has blown past any kind of chance to establish credibility, much less a mandate. “Obi-Colin has taught you well… all too easy.”

  31. Binkyblue02

    Oh for goodness sake stop putting blame on anyone except Obummer. He could have accepted help many days ago and refused! Think it is because he does not like the Gov. of La. Think it is because he does not care about the U.S? All of the above.

Comments are closed.