roberts is totally reading thomas' emails

Fap To Your Employees’ Sexts All You Want, Sez SCOTUS

Once again Gil Thorp takes on the tough issuesBeing a cop is a tough job, and it ought to come with a little bit of “leeway” in regards to certain laws that apply to ordinary folk. For instance, police officers are highly trained at operating their vehicles, so they shouldn’t get tickets if they drive over the speed limit and run lights or whatever. And their work is very high-pressure, so they ought to be allowed to send dozens of erotic text messages to their mistresses on their departmentally owned electronic thingies, safe in the knowledge that the police chief won’t be pulling up all these digital love notes for an afternoon of languorous masturbation. Why do the actual Luddites who sit on the Supreme Court hate our 9/11 police heroes?

You know hard it is to get a man’s girlfriend and his wife to take the same side in a lawsuit? Well, that’s what SWAT Officer James Quon’s boss pulled off, by reading the text messages he sent to both of them from his pager (pager?), describing all the sex stuff he wanted to do to their lady parts. Yet the Supreme Court voted 9-0 to reject the suit! Does this mean that your boss can legally get all up in your business and read everything on the password-protected Riker/Data slashfic site that you’ve been secretly hosting on company servers?

Well, probably not, because Anthony Kennedy is such a wuss. He just went on and on about how technology is scary and confusing and please don’t try to make this a precedent because God knows by the time the next case like it comes down the line there’ll be some new gizmos that are even harder for the Olds on the court to understand. (Scalia, to his credit, wrote a separate opinion, just to laugh at this pathetic attitude.) The oral arguments in the case were full of hilarious moments of tech confusion, during which John Roberts asked what the difference was between email and a pager, and Kennedy wondered what would happen if you texted someone and someone else texted you simultaneously, and Scalia demanded a printout of Quon’s “spicy little conversations” (for Clarence Thomas).

Kennedy did ever so gently suggest that maybe, because cell phones are so damn cheap now, you should get your own if you’re going to be sending out sexts rather than using the one from work. But whatever, combine this with the 2006 ruling that says you can’t just leave porn all over your work computer and you’ll realize that the Supreme Court doesn’t want you being aroused at work, at all, which is probably OK because everyone is unemployed now anyway. [NYT/WSJ/ATL]

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

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27 comments

  1. Papas got a brand new teabag

    when kennedy and scalia were just young boys, they would draw two circles in the dirt and thrust away furiously, literally titty fucking the ground.

    oh how far we’ve come.

  2. Zadig

    When something shows up in Time, I start worrying. When the same thing is spoken of in Newsweek, of all things, I start writing angry letters to my congressbastard, demanding that they do something about the DYER THRET 2 MURKA

  3. actor212

    Does Sarah Palin know this? Because I’d love to seize her gubmint issued cellphone and search it for sexy time sexting to Levi Johnston

  4. Prommie

    Won’t someone think of the children? This is clearly all the fault of the illegal immigrants.

  5. DoktorZoom

    For what it’s worth, Roberts’ question about “the difference between email and a pager” wasn’t the result of an Old being tech-stoopid. It actually went to the essence of the case, since the city had a written policy warning employees that their email was NOT private, so the techie stuff about how the pager worked actually mattered. It ruins a perfectly good story, sadly, as well as Peter Sagal’s joke about the Supremes’ use of outmoded tech:

    “Now the Supreme Court is famously late adopting of technology. Justice Roberts is known to write out his opinions in pen and paper. Ruth Bader Ginsburg still uses Friendster…And Clarence Thomas spurns all forms of communication technology, including email, instant messages, and saying words out loud.”

  6. harry palmer

    I suppose this gives BP the right to sniff the crotches of the hazmat suits they’re issuing to gulf cleanup workers, too. Oh, that’s right, they’re not issuing hazmat suits.

  7. librulabortionlover

    intern riley missed a typo, fire him.

    “…2006 ruling that says you can’t just leave porn all of your work computer…”

  8. BlueStateLiberal

    Hmm, cops I know are highly trained in strategic napping on the job, navigating to the nearest Dunkin’ Donuts, and provoking million-dollar sexual-harassment lawsuits. I thought sexting was a little bit beyond their reach, but I guess not.

  9. SayItWithWookies

    You mean to say that people should have no expectation of privacy on their state-issued electronic doodads? And a police officer didn’t realize this? You know what cops do when you tell them you didn’t expect anyone to look through crap that isn’t yours? If the court’s opinion was any wordier than “Sorry, dumbass,” they were overdoing it.

  10. Anonymous Office Zombie

    Being a cop is a tough job, and it ought to come with a little bit of “leeway” in regards to certain laws that apply to ordinary folk. For instance, police officers are highly trained at operating their vehicles, so they shouldn’t get tickets if they drive over the speed limit and run lights or whatever.

    Leeway, indeed. Like that time I left work and started driving down a one way street the correct way, and then a cop car swung onto the street and started barelling straight at me the wrong way at roughly 100 miles an hour only to swerve in the nick of time to avoid head on collision.

    Idiot cowboys.

  11. slappypaddy

    just wait till they hear about the inspection of public records act, and how everything they are saying, doing, writing, thinking, smelling, hearing, looking at, or fucking is a matter of public record, simply because they went to work for the government and didn’t read the fine print on their contracts (the part about selling soul to devil, etc.).

  12. miquonranger03

    On a side note, “spicy little conversation” is a pet name Sarah Palin has for her vagina.

  13. Prommie

    Jesus Christ, its almost 20 years, I had finally forgotten it, gotten over the trauma, and these fucking comments brought it all back, Harvey Keitel squeezing one out in Bad Leiutenant, that was criminal, that scene, noone, noone should ever have to see Harvey Keitel’s O-face, not even faked.

  14. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=601757]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: Awesome Josh. You’re finally catching up with us commenters on the indecipherable-stream-of-consciousness Joycean typos, in our rush to hit the ‘submit’ button.

  15. SayItWithWookies

    [re=601757]Josh Fruhlinger[/re]: Bloomsday was the 16th. Though I guess it counts if you were celebrating into the wee hours of the 17th, so okay. Hell, I still have a Guinness left in the fridge that for some strange reason I really didn’t want to drink last night.

  16. Prommie

    [re=601782]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: “Joycean stream of consciousness?” Shit, I thought I was just sloppy and lazy. And that it was more like Virginia Woolf than James Joyce with his impossible puns and onomatopeia.

  17. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    This is why I read Wonkette from work over an encrypted VNC connection. (Srsly.)

  18. Prommie

    This is the same Supreme Court which held that the State’s overriding and critical interest in preserving the sanctity of high school football trumps the search and seizure clause and justifies random drug testing of all students who engage in sports. Come on, people, we’re talking about high school football, fuck the Constitution!

  19. TGY

    Only a real idiot would fap on his employer’s communication thingie. Or a Wonkette commenter.

  20. McDuff

    [re=601767]slappypaddy[/re]: “… simply because they went to work for the government and didn’t read the fine print on their contracts …”

    As a Government worker, I have a contract? Boy, I’d love to see it — maybe it has one of those Albert Haynesworth clauses, where I’d get most of my multimillions in pay upfront before I have to do any actual work.

  21. I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO

    You know I had something like this happen to me once, I mean it was awesome, I had this one um lady doing all kinds of sexy talk to me on the cell phones while I was at work and it was great.

    Then, because I was so distracted, I sat in a pile of birdshit which was a total buzzkill and attracted the attention of a couple dozen double digit dock workers to the tent that sprung up in my khakis.

    Fuck technology.

  22. legalize everything

    [re=601743]Zadig[/re]: O/T but I am looking forward to their exposés on the newest threat, bros icing bros, about six months from now.

Comments are closed.