Anonymous Sources: John Edwards Sad, Lonely, Gross

Who says investigative journalism is dead? Tina Brown's Internet Tendency has been paying (?) Diane Dimond to nose around the world's most repugnant sleaze pits and report back on her findings! Having already blown the lid off of John Mark Karr's " little girl sex cult, ” she's now moved on to something even more repugnant: John Edwards and his sad, lonely life, which is mostly focused on his legal problems and only occasionally involves failed attempts to sex up ladies.

Dimond spent the two weeks of her life that she will never have back again stalking Edwards around the Raleigh area, mostly only confirming that he has no more friends. His main pastimes are chilling with his lawyers and literally hiding so that he can't be served papers compelling him to testify in the lawsuit his erstwhile hippie-lover Rielle Hunter has filed against his erstwhile slave/fall guy Andrew Young. With his wife and non-bastard children camped out in his palatial compound, he's been forced to live on a street full of "large, comfortable, high-six-figure homes" like some sort of hobo.

Anyway, you're only reading about this because you want to hear about his current sex life, and then hate yourself, right? Well, here you go:

Until recently, according to sources who include two members of law enforcement at a nearby police station, he sometimes frequented local watering holes, such as The Wooden Nickel and the Saratoga Grill. On these forays, according to these sources, he liked to chat up pretty single women, a glass of white wine in hand.

There you have it, John Edwards is desperate for human contact/sexing and likes carrying around white wine, to prove that he is sophisticated.

Oh, and why hasn't Edwards been indicted for using campaign funds to buy nice things for his girlfriend? Naturally, it's Obama's fault.

Specifically, this source says, the U.S. attorney for the Eastern District of North Carolina, George Holding, is a holdover from the Bush administration. The Obama team has signaled that it won't replace Holding while he is actively investigating two Democrats, John Edwards and North Carolina Governor Mike Easley, in order to avoid any appearance of partisan favoritism. (Easley's case also involves allegations of misappropriating funds.) It would look too much like a partisan move to remove the U.S. attorney now.

"It's to Holding's advantage to keep this case as a pending case because it means he gets to hold on to his position that much longer," says my source. "There isn't any urgency for this U.S. attorney to finish up."

Once again Obama's "bipartisanship" comes back to bite us all in the ass! Seriously, if we were the U.S. attorney we would want the president to fire us as soon as possible so that we would no longer have anything to do with this terrible ordeal, but whatever.

You'll notice that none of the sources in this story will give any details on the record with their names attached! That could be because it is all made up, or because people are rightfully ashamed at knowing anything about John Edwards at all. Lord knows we are ashamed of having typed all this out. We would like to claim that this is the last we will hear of John Edwards and his tawdry life, but everyone knows that this is a lie. ("Thanks" to tipster WindbagCity for alerting us to the existence of this horror.) [ Daily Beast ]