Who says investigative journalism is dead? Tina Brown’s Internet Tendency has been paying (?) Diane Dimond to nose around the world’s most repugnant sleaze pits and report back on her findings! Having already blown the lid off of John Mark Karr’s “little girl sex cult,” she’s now moved on to something even more repugnant: John Edwards and his sad, lonely life, which is mostly focused on his legal problems and only occasionally involves failed attempts to sex up ladies.
Dimond spent the two weeks of her life that she will never have back again stalking Edwards around the Raleigh area, mostly only confirming that he has no more friends. His main pastimes are chilling with his lawyers and literally hiding so that he can’t be served papers compelling him to testify in the lawsuit his erstwhile hippie-lover Rielle Hunter has filed against his erstwhile slave/fall guy Andrew Young. With his wife and non-bastard children camped out in his palatial compound, he’s been forced to live on a street full of “large, comfortable, high-six-figure homes” like some sort of hobo.
Anyway, you’re only reading about this because you want to hear about his current sex life, and then hate yourself, right? Well, here you go:
Until recently, according to sources who include two members of law enforcement at a nearby police station, he sometimes frequented local watering holes, such as The Wooden Nickel and the Saratoga Grill. On these forays, according to these sources, he liked to chat up pretty single women, a glass of white wine in hand.
There you have it, John Edwards is desperate for human contact/sexing and likes carrying around white wine, to prove that he is sophisticated.
Oh, and why hasn’t Edwards been indicted for using campaign funds to buy nice things for his girlfriend? Naturally, it’s Obama’s fault.
Specifically, this source says, the U.S. attorney for the Eastern District of North Carolina, George Holding, is a holdover from the Bush administration. The Obama team has signaled that it won’t replace Holding while he is actively investigating two Democrats, John Edwards and North Carolina Governor Mike Easley, in order to avoid any appearance of partisan favoritism. (Easley’s case also involves allegations of misappropriating funds.) It would look too much like a partisan move to remove the U.S. attorney now.
“It’s to Holding’s advantage to keep this case as a pending case because it means he gets to hold on to his position that much longer,” says my source. “There isn’t any urgency for this U.S. attorney to finish up.”
Once again Obama’s “bipartisanship” comes back to bite us all in the ass! Seriously, if we were the U.S. attorney we would want the president to fire us as soon as possible so that we would no longer have anything to do with this terrible ordeal, but whatever.
You’ll notice that none of the sources in this story will give any details on the record with their names attached! That could be because it is all made up, or because people are rightfully ashamed at knowing anything about John Edwards at all. Lord knows we are ashamed of having typed all this out. We would like to claim that this is the last we will hear of John Edwards and his tawdry life, but everyone knows that this is a lie. (“Thanks” to tipster WindbagCity for alerting us to the existence of this horror.) [Daily Beast]
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I rate his chances of scoring with the bar babes just slightly above Jordan Van Der Sloot’s.
And now we all understand why he wanted to be preznit. By this point in his administration, no one would give two shits about all the holes he’s stuck his dick into, but instead the one big hole that sticking his penis into wouldn’t make much of a difference.
On the other hand, there would be dick jokes.
“Tah-guh? Is that you? This is John Edwards, the son of a millworker. Can you give me the number of that diner waitress from Florida? Ah’ve got an Escalade, too and I don’t mahnd sayin’ that ah like me some period sex jus’ lahk you.”
Diane Diamond? Is she the original Whore Diamond?
The guy needs a wingman. I’m sure Al Gore or Bill Clinton wouldn’t mind.
Maybe he should take to chasing ambulances again, no, I mean like really running after them on the highway. Just for something to do.
[re=601647]ph7[/re]: scoring with the bar babes
Did you mean like female lawyers?
So paying a hooker to shit your own “diaper” seems now to have been the smart play. Way less fuss and muss in the aftermath.
Maybe he should take a road trip to South Carolina. I hear there’s a lot of pent up sexual anxiety down there. He would stand a much better chance of scoring in South Carolina.
I am shocked and outraged, that some tiny percentage of the millions in campaign donations he raised was spent on a mistress-nepotism hire. Surely this is the very first time ever in the history of political campaign fundraising (or 501(C)(3) fundraising) that even a penny of the money benefitted a friend, paramour, or family member of the candidate. Just look at SarahPac, for an example of how perfectly squeeky-clean these things are usually handled.
In other words, maybe there has been, and will be, no indictment, because, its fucking insane to suggest that there should be. That doing so would be an example of selective and severely harsh enforcement which stems from nothing but typical US knee-jerk sexual puritanism. Listen to all you fucking hens tut-tutting, “OH MY GOD, a man CHEATED, oh noes.” Go wash your vaginas, dudes.
You can’t go on video eating out a humanoid rat and come back. It’s just not possible.
Well, those are just bars/restaurants in the area, not particularly up or downscale ones. Meh.
It’s not like he was going to BW3 in Chapel Hill for a wet t-shirt night or squeezing thighs on the bus. The area has seen much, much weirder. At least one suspected spy worked as a bus driver in Chapel Hill.
What is actually interesting, if one gets past the fluids, is the foundation he set up to fight poverty. Elizabeth seems to have taken it over.
[re=601674]Dolmance[/re]: Sour grapes, I call sour grapes. If you are over 45, trust me, Rielle is hot, and you’d thrust your right arm into a furnace and then cut it off with a hacksaw to eat her out. There are those out there, you know who you are, who know in your heart of hearts this is true, no matter how much you protest and pretend like dudes at a comedy club with their wives that they don’t think the sexist jokes are funny.
And hey, the dude, with the furnace, but now no arm, was he polish? Because, like, it suddenly hit me, he got his arm stuck in a furnace, found a hacksaw, and then figured, “OK, I will start cutting my arm off.” Just wondering, why not, like, start cutting the furnace, instead?
Scene inside the Edwards’ plantation just after Elizabeth kicks him out:
Well I’m gonna go then. And I don’t need any of this. I don’t need this stuff, and I don’t need you. I don’t need anything except this.
[picks up hair gel]
And that’s it and that’s the only thing I need, is this. I don’t need this or this. Just this hair gel. And this HD video cam, the hair gel and the video cam and that’s all I need. And this plaque my father got for working in the mill. The hair gel, the video cam, and the plaque, and that’s all I need. …
“With his wife and non-bastard children camped out in his palatial compound, he’s been forced to live on a street full of ‘large, comfortable, high-six-figure homes’ like some sort of hobo…he sometimes frequented local watering holes, such as The Wooden Nickel and the Saratoga Grill. On these forays, according to these sources, he liked to chat up pretty single women, a glass of white wine in hand.”
American Grotesque.
Obama won’t even fire a US Attorney for political reasons? What a wuss. The last president never had a problem with that.
The good news! He got rid of that unsightly mole on his upper lip by proper buffing of Ms. Watzerface’s merkin.
Dude’s a creep, but why is Edwards stuck drinking chardonnay in North Carolina, yet everytime I see Fox News or God forbid MTP, I have to see the pasty-faced visage of “I’ve dumped my dying wife for a blonder, younger trollop on multiple occasions” Newt.
Hide in the Mill Johnny!
[re=601681]Prommie[/re]: Plus, Reille freaky/kinky side was so compelling that Jay McInerney wrote a book about her. And that freaky side has freaky origins – her Dad was a guy who electrocuted horses all over Florida to defraud insurance companies. Daddy even killed Reilly’s favorite horse.
John Edwards: reduced to picking up lonely horny MILFs in dive bars. While drinking white wine spritzers.
Sad, man. The least he could do is go on Facebook and hang out at the Zoosk app.
[re=601690]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: Oh, left right hypocrisy is it?
You see “dumped by wife Newt,” do you? What about Toe Sucker Morris? What about Wanna Bet Bennett? Sheesh, they have endless hypocrisy, because their followers have endless amnesia. If we forgot as easily and were as stupid and unprincipled, we’d be hailing Edwards right now.
Today we are all John Edwards.
Well those of us who love Chardonnay and chicks who hang out in bars and have no strong moral core.
[re=601679]Geogre[/re]: “At least one suspected spy worked as a bus driver in Chapel Hill.”
I wonder what kind of classified material the bus drivers have access to in North Carolina.
[re=601708]donner_froh[/re]: Ah, you know, maybe just hoping someone would leave their laptop or notebook full of top state secrets on one of the seats …
[re=601681]Prommie[/re]: At the ripe old age of 56 I couldn’t agree with you more. She is hot enough for me and most of the complainers here would be happy to have a woman that hot. I love this superiority complex so many of these folks have, I wouldn’t do her, yet if she was standing there naked most of these complainers would be falling all over themselves to get next to her. And just for the record I would bang her.
I prefer to think of John Edwards as a Parrothead, wasting away his days in Margaritaville, searching for his lost shaker of salt.
But maybe I was thinking of the governor of South Carolina instead.
[re=601708]donner_froh[/re]: They keep the attendance sheet for the “walk of shame”. Nothing says “hook-up” like riding the Number 7 downtown on Saturday morning in Friday nights “club clothes”.
[re=601716]Beowoof[/re]: I’ve gone on record here opining that I, too, thought she was pretty good looking, in that tall, sort of androgynous way that I’m such a sucker for. However, I’ve never heard her speak, and remember what a deal breaker that was for former GILF Palin. We were all so innocent, way back in 2007…
[re=601690]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: Because his wife didn’t have cancer.
Wait. What?
So basically John Edwards is like a white OJ Simpson who hasn’t actually killed anyone, as far as we know.
[re=601703]actor212[/re]: You MUST be from North Carolina to have understood, reflexively, that there is little chance John Edwards is drinking Chardonnay, but there is every probability that he is drinking white wine spritzers.
[re=601820]One Yield Regular[/re]: Byron referred to them as “hock and soda water.”
[re=601682]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: Oh wait, and I need this full-length mirror.
[re=601708]donner_froh[/re]: It’s funny, or it was.
This was Felix Bloch. He was under investigation for spying for the Soviets, but Robert Hanssen queered the case. Bloch left no evidence, so he’s only alleged to have spied, and that’s fine with me. No arrest and no conviction, so he’s innocent so far as I’m concerned, but taking a job as a bagger in a grocery store, and then as a bus driver?
“The Spy Who Drove Me?”
It was… peculiar. It was Bobby Fischer peculiar. He was not a very voluble individual, so I doubt the other route drivers got any classified information.
He’s been out to the Blue Bayou Club in Hillsborough, which happens to be one of the best Blues Bars in NC….I’d snark but I hang out there too, though I’m strictly draft beer and married.
I’m mostly thinking the poor guy’s been pile on enough, as much as a douche-nozzle as he acted, there comes a point where you think a guy has had enough. that is, except if you are that J.D. Hayworth ass-pipette.
… George Holding, is a holdover from the Bush administration …
Speaking of thousands of tarballs washing ashore for years to come…
[re=601685]Spike[/re]:
Obama won’t even fire a US Attorney for political reasons?
Well what’s he gonna do? Hire a Democrat to sit on the case? Much better if he can blame the current Republican. There is a pattern here. Hopey doesn’t want to own the oil spill, either. Much better if everyone blames the Brits.
Read more at Wonkette: http://wonkette.com/416118/anonymous-sources-john-edwards-sad-lonely-gross#more-416118#ixzz0rErxNBgx
It seems like there’s just a flurry of pent up sexual anxiety down there. He would stand a much better chance of scoring in South Carolina, assuming there are still (ahem ) hiking partners left. if not, there’s always the opportunity to become a Fox News Contributor;
http://scallywagandvagabond.com/2010/06/the-sad-life-of-jon-edwards/
John Edwards….a miner’s son who can’t tell a tunnel from a shit hole, despite that fancy ed-u-kation. I am sure, however, that if he concentrated on hair stylists, rather than college co-eds, he’d be blowing, rather than drying.
[re=601681]Prommie[/re]: Really? Is she hot because she brings her own camera to the party, or because she brings her own paternity test? I realize that being over 50 means “living in the now” for many mid-life crackups, but, past a certain income level, living in the now means paying big later. Shocking, I know. So, hot or so fucking not? Let your aging panic be the judge (and your grown children be the jury…)
I haven’t the faintest idea who Reille Hunter is, nor do I care. But I wouldn’t be adverse to someone slashing Edward’s tires while he’s trying to make out in the bar. Gah. Democrats are almost as bad as Republicans, esp the southern ones. (I’m looking at you, Mr Rhodes scholar.)
[re=602405]Beanball[/re]: Recent Democrats, I mean to say.
Perused Jay McInerny’s book “Story of my life” at my local book store and on page 2 the main character, Alison (who is based on Rielle) there is a passage about being hot! Rielle/Alison has not change her spots!
I can’t help to imagine what Thanksgiving will be like after Elizabeth’s death. Rielle talks incessantally about about John living an “authentic life” and being fully “integrated.” How “authentic” and “integrated” will it be when Cate, Emma Claire and Jack share this important family holiday” I can see John, as the patriarch, giving thanks for what? An “integreted” family? Since Rielle is so “spiritual” her prayer of thanks would be hilarious. It would, undoubtally, be filled with new age babbling.
He doesn’t seem “integrated” if he’s visiting local bars. How does Rielle feel about the “truth” of this? Ahhhhhhh. The bed these 2 have made.
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