the apologist

Everybody — Even John Boehner! — Hates Oil-Industry Whore Joe Barton

American idiot.It was hardly a good day for BP CEO Tony Hayward, who mumbled “I don’t recall” and “I was not part of that decision making process” enough times to qualify for the Iran-Contra Memorial Bullshit Award. But Tony must be resting a little more comfortably tonight knowing that one of his own supposed tormentors on the U.S. House Energy and Commerce Committee ended up being the most hated Oil Industry goon of the afternoon. Texas Rep. Joe Barton reached new heights of national douchebaggery when, in the space of a few sentences, he managed to apologize to BP and declare that he would no longer live in America, because of the inconveniences suffered by the oil company that has fouled the entire Gulf of Mexico.

Barton should go ahead and start checking the Internet for whatever country the grumpy old Texans retire to, for cheaper meds, because not even the House Republican leadership wants anything to do with him now:

The New York Times reports:

Representative John A. Boehner of Ohio, the House Republican leader, and Representative Eric Cantor of Virginia, the Republican whip, summoned Mr. Barton and he “was told to apologize, immediately, or he would lose his spot, immediately,” a senior aide said. “We’ll see what happens going forward.”

Related video

Ha ha, so this means Joe Barton won’t chair the energy committee when the Republicans easily take the House back in November, right?

And as the White House piled on Barton, with Robert Gibbs tearing Barton a new one on Twitter Thursday evening, the watchdog groups dug up the dirty records of Barton’s campaign contributions, showing he’d taken more than $1.4 million from the Oil Industry since 1990.

Of all the U.S. states along the Gulf Coast, only Texas has been spared devastation from the BP oil spill. [New York Times]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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145 comments

  1. bakeneko

    In a future edition of the OED, the photo above will accompany their definition of “Dickless Stooge”.

  2. Bearbloke

    I trust that Oil-whore Barton’s comments will appear in Demoncrap adverts starting in 3..2..1..?

  3. Weeping Jesus

    His wife said he offers the same heartfelt apology when he gives her the Dutch Oven treatment.

  4. Words

    Oh, and to be followed by, Jesus Christ! who in AL would be smart enough to get on the BP/Chevron/Exxon milking machine? God knows we do got some dummies who sell their baby sisters for a cigarette… sigh.

  5. leaveskoalrebelalone

    ‘you pull a knife…i pull a gun! you put one of ours in the hospital…we put one of yours in the morgue!’ ‘that’s the chicago way!’ bho june 15 2010 white house meeting with tony ‘the slick’ haywerd.

  6. SayItWithWookies

    Wow — a year ago if you’d told me we would find the line Republicans wouldn’t cross before we found the Higgs boson, I’d’ve said you were full of shit. It’s new times, people.

  7. Bearbloke

    [re=601473]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Joe Barton is The One True Republican – the rest are just RINOs!

  8. DangerousLiberal

    Joe Barton (R-BP): A wholly owned subsidiary of Big Oil. Boner is just mad at him because oil spills make fake bake look even stupider when one can’t damage their skin in the real sun, on a beach, also.

  9. tribbzthesquidz

    By golly this man is presidential timber. He was so statesmanly as he glared over his magazine like a middle-schooler and back at his minions in disbelief as his colleagues called him out.

  10. NYNYNY

    Apologizing to the Foreign oil company, let’s remember. The Foreign oil company that was making billions off of our oil and then crapped all over our shit. Handholding the dirty lobsterbacks, who finally have given us a bigger shit-kiss than the War of 1812. Fuck you Barton!

    (By the way- that country they move is Costa Rica I think. See the Costa Rica chapter of Paul Theroux’s The Old Patagonia Express)

  11. Suds McKenzie

    I would like to sincerely apologize to Rep. Joe Barton for all of the Americans who are saying “mean” things about him.

  12. Dolmance

    Texas is going to get good and fucked by this spill soon enough. And no state is more deserving.

  13. obfuscator

    [re=601473]SayItWithWookies[/re]: jesus buddha spaghetti monster christ, is there anything more amazing than the continued lunacy of the current republican party? all we had to do to drive them insane was eject them from the white house and both houses of congress.

  14. Ninong

    Before he entered Congress in 1989, Joe Barton was an executive with ARCO (Atlantic Richfield Company), which became a subsidiary of BP in 2000 and is now officially known as BP West Coast.

  15. Suds McKenzie

    Suds would like retract my previous apology to Rep. Joe Barton. “I want the record to be clear that Rep. Joe Barton has set the Reprehensible Douchebag bar to near earth orbit levels and is responsible for all repercussions.”

    … so were\its all good now.

  16. harry palmer

    [re=601473]SayItWithWookies[/re]: But it took a while to sink in that the public isn’t quite catatonic enough to let them be seen holding us down while BP gives us a Cleveland Steamer and still get away with it. Remember a few days ago Rand Paul criticizing Obomber for the “boot to the throat” comment, then Snow White Trash (Palin) mumbling some incomprehensible shit, then Haley Barbour. You never see the Thugs breaking ranks like they did today and firing on their own, so the internal polling measuring the reaction to said corporate fellating in light of this atrocity must be pretty grim.

    Methinks even the rednecks living in the Gulf are getting that they’re fucked and someone’s going to end up paying for it, and the Repubs as usual want it to be anybody but their corporate masters, which leaves guess who? The Dems could and should be pointing out that this is the way the Repugs roll, except that this is also the way the DNC Dems roll too, only not quite as brazenly, so they’re not in very good position to take advantage of it. AFter the disaastrous Bush presidency, and the banking fiascos of last year, and the total moral and intellectual banruptcy of the Republican philosophy, if Barry really was about change and refrorm and not just blowing smoke up our ass while he too banks the corporate coin, there’d be generational majorities like after FDR and they’d already be talking about putting his ass on Mt Rushmore. Not to mention we wouldn’t be royally fucked like we are. Instead, the 2010 midterms are up for grabs. Sigh.

  17. Bearbloke

    O/T – but the Int’l Noozfeedz tell me that Los Angeles is currently over-run with basketball rioters setting fire to the entire city…. and it’s all Obama’s fault!

  18. obfuscator

    [re=601495]harry palmer[/re]: take a breath. i agree with most of your points, but consider this: barry is not quite halfway through his first term. i think that he’ll get a second term relatively easy when the economy eventually rebounds in late 2011/early 2012, even if the democrats lose some seats in the house and the senate this year. as the economy recovers, the gop will be pushed even further into the wilderness as the teabagger movement slowly disintegrates. two barry terms could theoretically see landmark reforms in health care, financial regulation, energy policy, immigration, the end of dodat and the federal recognition of same sex marriage.

  19. harry palmer

    [re=601499]obfuscator[/re]: Thanks for talking me in from the ledge. And if none of that stuff you mention comes to pass, maybe that Mayan Calendar thing will work out!

  20. SayItWithWookies

    [re=601495]harry palmer[/re]: Well I don’t think the 2010 elections are as up for grabs as the Republicans think. I’ve been saying for a few months now that the Democrats will probably pick up seats in the House and hold in the Senate, and I’m sticking with it. The Democrats have to be pretty relentless about keeping all the achievements of this past session in the voters’ minds and what the Republican alternative would’ve been. But if the GOP thinks they’ll be welcomed back from the outer darkness after only two years of wailing and gnashing of teeth, they’re in for an ugly surprise.

  21. Jukesgrrl

    Does this mean Barton’s grandkids will have to close down the Dolphin Sandwich Stand they’re running on his front porch?

  22. FlipOffResearch

    Barton made a perfectly valid point from the Randian, tea bagger point of view. The noble corporation trying to make a profit, while the pesky government regulators hinder their progress. From the progressive point of view, the best thing that we can do is to sing this loud.

  23. obfuscator

    [re=601500]harry palmer[/re]: i’m honestly up for either scenario at this point. another point of comparison: carter got handed a pretty huge shitpile when he moved into the oval. he’s now regarded by retards as a complete lamer placeholder. same circumstances with barry, but now we get the “he’s destroying u.s. america’s sacred constitution!”. that’s why the republicans and rush hannibeck are useful idiots. if they keep titty-crying about the imperial nobamar muslin regime, i know that barry’s at least proactively pissing off the fuckwad dingbat opposition. his annoying habit of laying back in the cut and letting the gop eat itself might just lead to three or four consecutive democratic congressional majorities.

  24. geminisunmars

    [re=601499]obfuscator[/re]: [re=601502]SayItWithWookies[/re]: From your pouty pink lips to the Goddess’s ears.

  25. geminisunmars

    I just hate it when you Wonkers make mean fun of the appearance of some folks showing up here. But I have to ask: Why haven’t you let loose on this pasty pig-face feller?

  26. harry palmer

    [re=601502]SayItWithWookies[/re]: If they don’t have Joe Barton playing in a non-stop loop for the whole month of October, intercut with live shots of black dolphins washing up like this thing promises to bring us, they’re idiots. But then, if they happen to kick some ass like they should, I’d like to see an end to the Dems acting like those douchebags, too.

  27. KissMeNate

    If Barton’s looking for cheap meds and a haven for BP sympathizers…get this possum-eyed ghoul a brochure for Knifecrime Island!

  28. obfuscator

    [re=601502]SayItWithWookies[/re]: agreed on the midterm prediction. the teabag movement is driving the gop hopes for Taking Back America in november. that’s fine, but their only real message is “shouty retards shouting retardedly”. it’s a solid populist message during a massive global recession, but not so much when things start to stabilize. when the midterms are over, the gop will maybe gain some seats while staying in the majority and finally come face to face with the limitations of their completely moronic and desperate strategy. maybe obese pill-junkie fuckwad talk radio assholes aren’t the best figureheads for a major political party. or whatever.

  29. obfuscator

    [re=601510]harry palmer[/re]: the dnc should air this ad in kentucky: a voiceover of rand paul saying “accidents happen” over the bp underwater gusher-cam.

  30. SayItWithWookies

    [re=601499]obfuscator[/re]: Oh I hope the teabagger movement doesn’t disintegrate — I hope it remains as the shrapnel fragment in the GOP’s shoulder for a decade or so, representing the True Path that so entices whatever fragment of the population loves their b-movie rhetoric and their ability to blame all their failures on some liberal conspiracy. And I only hope they disappear as the result of a good public education system that focuses on critical thinking and the scientific method as the only measurably successful ways of accumulating knowledge. And then I’d like a solid gold Gibson SG, a field a foot deep in mud and occupied by two bisexual women’s rugby teams, and a silo full of weed.

  31. SayItWithWookies

    [re=601512]obfuscator[/re]: As shrill and crazy as the teabaggers are, they still have to be taken seriously. My big fear is that the Democrats will pull a Mondale and not realize how much damage the obviously inane attacks are doing until it’s too late. As ridiculous as the teabaggers’ message is, the Dems will get hacked up if it’s the only message out there. And that would be a shame since Joe Barton and the rest keep giving the Democrats these gift-wrapped firebombs to unload at their whim. Really it would be ungrateful for the Democrats to do anything less than hammer the Republicans relentlessly with their own shit.

  32. obfuscator

    [re=601514]SayItWithWookies[/re]: a gold gibson sg special with p-90s and a hiwatt stack.

    they won’t disintegrate, they’ll just adapt. they’re andrew jackson, they’re the klan, the father coughlin fans, the birchers, the mccarthyites, the southern dems who became raygun’s moral majority, the neo-cons, and now they’re the teabagging muslin-hating birther psychos. we need them to exist as an object lesson in favor of critical thinking and the scientific method.

  33. geminisunmars

    [re=601511]KissMeNate[/re]: Ahhh. Relief. “Possum-eyed ghoul.” Nice. I can go to bed now. Thank you.

  34. Fran Rogers

    I thought the whole point of the Conservative Libertarian® ideology that’s all the rage with teabaggers and the GOP was that government should exist only to preserve liberty and stop people from stepping on others’ rights and property. (And make sure you stick to the missionary position, but that’s another story.)

    Well, BP was criminally negligent and shat all over billions of dollars of peoples’ property, and the government’s making sure they pay compensation to the injured parties. If that’s “big government” “shakedown,” then what the hell is the government’s job supposed to be?

  35. harry palmer

    [re=601513]obfuscator[/re]: I’m afraid that by election time a lot more of the oil and the dead marine life are going to be up on shore. But it’ll make for better visuals in the ads.

    [re=601514]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Contrary to what the media would lead us to believe, the teabaggers didn’t just get off a bus from Mars. They’re the same in-your-face, Bush-loving assholes, who have rebranded themselves to try to remove the stench of the last monumental pile of shit they cuddled with. But the smell is rather dis-stink-tive, and like them, won’t go away.

  36. obfuscator

    [re=601515]SayItWithWookies[/re]: mondale and dukakis were destroyed by atwater, rollins and the rest of the reagan machine. they were great at subterfuge and campaign black ops. rove did the same thing for gw. today’s gop is so lost that they can’t even inject a little nuance into their racism/xenophobia/nativism. they’re basically doing nixon’s southern strategy on a 50 state platform with zero subtlety. rahm and the rest of the dccc basically let the 2006 midterms fall into their laps as the gop crashed and burned. foley/war on terror/wiretapping/general bush malaise. that election and 2008 gave me a certain measure of faith in the electorate. i think that 2010 will continue the trend in light of the fact that the opposition has chosen to amplify the “we’ll win by being even MORE incompetent/insane!” strategy.

  37. obfuscator

    [re=601517]geminisunmars[/re]: “chinky-eyed redneck dough faced scumfucker”? it’s ok for me to say that. i’m asian.

  38. JeffBarea

    [re=601502]SayItWithWookies[/re]: It’s not the Republicans you should be worrying about. It’s the magic message men who can take an idiot like Joe Barton and turn it all around in the next news cycle.

    June, heh. September/October are all that matters.

  39. obfuscator

    [re=601519]harry palmer[/re]: true, but the states most effected by the oil spill are probably going to vote gop either way*, so it’s not a huge loss.

    *that was a coldly pragmatic partisan asshole analysis on my part.

  40. obfuscator

    [re=601522]JeffBarea[/re]: joe barton will be radioactive for the next 5 months. when he said “that’s news to me”, you could actually hear the sound of his raisin-like testicles retreating into his windpipe. “oh no don’t take my ranking member status on some congressional committee!”

  41. geminisunmars

    What was it he said in his apology for his apology? I’m sorry if anyone was mis-cunt-screwed?

  42. geminisunmars

    [re=601521]obfuscator[/re]: That works. I can say that ’cause I’m unemployed.

  43. SayItWithWookies

    [re=601519]harry palmer[/re]: What’s really interesting — to me at least — is how the teabaggers started off as a contrived political thing sprung by Rick Santelli (remember him?), then how they ended up taking off a little bit as a grassroots movement for about a second before being coopted by Dick Armey, the Club for Growth and a conglomeration of lesser-known lobbying firms. Father Caughlin and the rest were individuals with popular appeal — this underhanded appropriation of a grassroots movement as some sort of cover for big GOP interests is new for them.
    The problem with going full crazy though — and President Obama already explained this to them — is that they leave themselves no way to compromise. It’s very hard, once you call someone the devil, to start forging bipartisan solutions with him. They’ve painted themselves into a blind alley and are getting the shaft, as Gracie Allen might say. My only fear is that the Democrats will drop the ball and fuck up this opportunity.

  44. SayItWithWookies

    [re=601520]obfuscator[/re]: All I’m saying is that the Democrats still have to be aggressive. No election is ever a gimme, and it scares me whenever I sense that someone’s expecting to win. Time and again, that’s when something terrible happens. And right now the Republicans are the ones expecting to win. The Democrats can definitely get the upset, but it’s going to take careful planning and constant effort on their part.

  45. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Joe Barton should know that BP will be all right and just use their Second Amendment rights to protect themselves.

    [re=601484]Serolf Divad[/re]: Which always reminds me of Paula Poundstone’s great line, “The victim has apologized, can’t we all just let it go.”

  46. Brick Oven Bill

    Here, we have now found him, the man whose ass the Commander in Chief will kick to solve our problems.

    Yes we can. We are the ones we have been waiting for. Now, all together, raise your hands above your head and form an ‘O’.

  47. Bearbloke

    [re=601532]Katydid[/re]: More like I’m ahead by 12+ hrs luv, ‘cos it’s Friday night down here in Antipodia… and it’s also 3 days before Winter Solstice 2010 – HAPPY ANTI-CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!!!!

  48. ez

    1,676,930 dollars in total campaign contributions from the Oil industry since 1989…

    Today we salute Joe Barton, a man who fullfills the famous defination of an honest politician: One who when bought, stays bought. Way to go Joe and take that you cynics who claim ALL politicians are crooks!

  49. widget09

    Not to worry folks, Jesus will produce enough oil for man in his subterranean lair by compressing the limitless supply of dinosaurs left over from the great flood, with the snap of a finger, Jesus will create more dinosaurs if necessary.

  50. Radiotherapy

    Looks like pasty face needs an Ophthalmologist, a “national” board-certified one I hope.

  51. JeffBarea

    [re=601524]obfuscator[/re]: Joe Barton will be radioactive for as long as I say he is. Get with the program.

  52. TicChiracTac

    [re=601476]proudgrampa[/re]: “…that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.” Wiki ‘maroon’, please.

  53. ella

    [re=601513]obfuscator[/re]: And end with a voiceover of Tony “Don’t blame me” Hayward calling the spill a drop in a vast ocean while we see a split screen of Rand and Tony.

  54. Dolmance

    [re=601549]TicChiracTac[/re]: “Maroon…” As in, “what a sap, what a dope, what a maroon.” Usually referring to a dog with a rifle or shotgun.

  55. zhubajie

    [re=601483]obfuscator[/re]: Unfortunately, there is a sizeable chunk of the US populace who will support them no matter what. One of these days, Beck or someone will order his followers to “kill the liberals” and there’ll be a Rwandan-style massacre. Followed by Bosnian-style civil war.

  56. x111e7thst

    [re=601521]obfuscator[/re]: It is positively praiseworthy for you to call the possum-eyed ghoul a chinky-eyed redneck dough faced scumfucker. And your race has nothing to do with the meritorious nature of your speech.

  57. zhubajie

    [re=601496]Bearbloke[/re]: Well, the USA has race riots roughly every 20 years. It’s about time for some more futile destruction.

  58. x111e7thst

    [re=601558]zhubajie[/re]: As various people,on Colbert inter alia, have remarked: bring it, I’m tired of waiting already.

  59. zhubajie

    “a good public education system that focuses on critical thinking and the scientific method”

    is as likely as a generation of honest politicians.

  60. Geogre

    Y’all are missing the code.

    I hate to be the translator, but we get confused when we hear comments like Barton’s, because we think about our own earlier comments, where we wished that we could move to Canada (if they’d let us) or England (if it had jobs) or Sweden (if we spoke Swedish) or Germany (perhaps). That’s not what Barton is saying, when he says that he doesn’t want to live in a country that makes Haywad answer questions and pay:

    He was echoing Sharon Angle and the Oath Keepers and suggesting secession, again.

    Now, one of the aims of the “Lost Cause” of the Confederacy was, oddly, the establishment of a great southern empire, where the US would expand south through Mexico, to take over the rest of the continent — all slave holding, American, and enriching. Perhaps Joe (are all “Joe”‘s stupid?) thinks the Confederacy did it, and he wants to retreat south to a more brutal Confederate state.

  61. Katydid

    [re=601542]Bearbloke[/re]: Um, but just because the sun rises in the east, etc., and you get to go first, it doesn’t mean that….um….it doesn’t mean our events occur earlier….for you….um….math and science are hard!!!

  62. slappypaddy

    [re=601558]zhubajie[/re]: if they want a war, we’ll take them to war. their ancestors made that same mistake in 1861. if the lesson needs to be re-learned by the descendants, then so be it. sometimes the tree of liberty is watered by the blood of idiots.

  63. Katydid

    [re=601567]Geogre[/re]: I find it very telling that when Bush got elected lots of liberals looked into moving to Canada. When Obama got elected, lots of Republicans bought more guns and looked into revolution.

  64. Egregious

    Joe Barton is the Ron Burgundy of insane GO(B)P talking points…He’ll say out loud whatever they write down for him.

  65. zhubajie

    [re=601518]Fran Rogers[/re]: The whole point is privilege and power for the super-rich and well-connected. The less-than-rich who support it hope to be super-rich some day themselves, although all the odds are against it. When they fail, they blame poorer people for holding them back, not richer people for pushing them back.

  66. Geogre

    [re=601549]TicChiracTac[/re]: “Maroon” <– witticism, derived from Bugs Bunny’s epithet for Elmer Fudd (“What a maroon!”).

    Cf. “Moran” <– baggot moron.

    Cf. “Moron” <– A person of IQ 60 (I think).

    Cf. Joe Wilson, James Inhoffe, and Joe Carton.

  67. slappypaddy

    [re=601571]Katydid[/re]: does this mean that liberals run away and conservatives stand and fight?

    liberal says, “he who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day.”

    conservative says, “remember the alamo! remember little big horn! pry my gun from my cold, dead hands!”

    and there we touch the fundamental difference between two opposing contemporary american political viewpoints.

  68. Katydid

    [re=601575]slappypaddy[/re]: No, it just means that liberals didn’t even think about revolution. They accepted the fact that Bush was in the White House, even if they didn’t accept that he won, because he didn’t, he was handed the job. The election was stolen in Florida, no doubt about it.

    Republicans don’t accept the fact that a Democrat legitimately won the presidency, no doubt about it, and want a revolution to “take their country back,” although they can’t articulate who from, or why they should do such a thing.

    It just points out a different mindset. I think we’re actually saying the same thing.

  69. finallyhappy

    [re=601571]Katydid[/re]: well, that is how we do. we found a gun after the death of a relative and being liberals- we called the police and turned it in. Also I would never move to Canada-maybe take an extended expat vacation in Tuscany or Provence but Canada- really?

  70. Geogre

    [re=601571]Katydid[/re]: True.

    This is, perhaps, part of what makes the “liberal” and “conservative” in the first place, though. I would argue that “conservative” had defined itself with anger, hatred, aggression, and exclusion. “Conservative” has defined everything else as “liberal,” too, as most “liberals” don’t self-identify; we get labelled by our helpful countrymen who tell us that we’re liberals because we’re not them.

    Perhaps, therefore, the reaction of conservatives was logical because of what “conservative” means. It already meant hostility.

    (It’s irrational, and it’s self-destructive, by the way.) The old conservatives — the Nixon conservatives — the “Big People” in Svanberg’s terms, fled long ago, because they’ve never had homes in the first place: they’ve been everywhere/nowhere with “liquid assets” and flexibility of identity, so they don’t have to complain. They just move money to Caymans for a while or reallocate into gold.

  71. zhubajie

    [re=601563]JeffBarea[/re]: Hey, I used to be a Repub until I realized the party wanted draft-dodging plutocrat needle-pr*cked bug-f*ckers like Dan Quayle, not men like me who did their duty. That’s a matter of class, not race. It a matter of duty and honor vs. selfishness. The Reps have chosen to be the party of super-selfishness, and hence have lost traditionalist-tempered men like me. Don’t like that? Come here to 395 Kuanping Road, Changchun, Jilin Province, China, and we’ll settle our dispute face to face, man to man. Or tell me where I can meet you. I’m old and crippled-up, but I’m sure I can defend my honor against the likes of you!

  72. zhubajie

    Boehner [re=601575]slappypaddy[/re]: Not in my generation. Conservacrooks say “I have other things to do. Besides, my feet are flat.” People who come back from the fighting and get tired of being shafted by the service avoiding conservacrooks become liberals.

    Remember, liberals are just people who don’t want to be slaves of conservacrooks. Conservacrooks want to be masters. Everyone else must be their slaves, fight/work/pay taxes in their stead.

  73. Katydid

    [re=601578]Geogre[/re]: You’re right. The Republicans are always screaming the liberals are doing this, the liberals are doing that, even when they are referring to conservative Democrats, people who aren’t liberal at all. Even when the Republicans own all 3 branches of government, and the press, they can’t stop screaming about how the liberals are fucking everything up.

    They have to have a straw man, or they have no argument. Their message is a negative one; they define themselves by what they’re not, not by what they are so much. And what they definitely are not is liberal, the definition of which changes whenever they need it to.

  74. Katydid

    [re=601580]zhubajie[/re]: I’m curious. Why were you a Republican in the first place, if I may ask?

  75. x111e7thst

    [re=601575]slappypaddy[/re]: I’ll be happy to pry their guns from their cold dead hands, sounds kind of fun actually.

  76. Brick Oven Bill

    x111e7thst; maybe you can go help Obama kick ass. I hear there are some barges with inadequately labeled fire extinguishers chained to docks, waiting for you.

  77. zhubajie

    Hayward is in the position of Tony Accardo telling the Senate “no, there’s no such thing as the Mafia.” He’s lying. Circumstances force him to lie. But at the same time, he is a scapegoat. All these congress-critters who are lining up to throw sh*t at him, a few months ago were lining up to kiss his *ss and take his money. Now they are pretending that they are pure as the driven snow and that Hayward is solely to blame. In fact, every lazy *ss-h*le who drives to Kroger rather than walk 20 minutes is to blame.

    In six months or whenever the campaigning season gets going real strong, the same congress-critters’ll sidle up, drop trou and grab their ankles again for whoever’s replaced Big Al as the head of the Outfit, begging him for campaign funds, free trips to Scotland, cheap harlots, etc.

  78. Katydid

    For all you firing squad aficionados, CNN.com posted the cheerful video, “Death by firing squad: How it’s done,” on its home page. No, I won’t link to it.

  79. zhubajie

    [re=601511]KissMeNate[/re]: Lots of Americans retire to the Phillipines. The climate is warm, the living expenses cheap and most Filipinos speak some English. But while friendly, they don’t like being disrespected. Also, there’s a reason that all the McDonaldses have armed guards: a high crime rate.

    Fair numbers of other were retiring Thailand, to enjoy younger wives and girlfriends, cheaper living expenses, etc. But they find that Asian women are far from meek, mild and submissive. Also lots of ordinary people are tired of oligarchy and poverty, and are fighting back.

  80. WideStance

    When there’s a tragedy, the populace needs someone or something to be mad at. At least until the $20B announcement, the hostility relating to this catastrophe was starting to snowball towards Obama. Right now, if the Democrats were half as savvy as the Republicans at marketing a message, there would be a concerted effort to redirect the anger about the spill towards the Republicans. Not just Joe Barton: Shortly before Barton’s apology to BP, 114 Republicans signed onto a press release asserting that in procuring the $20B “the Obama Administration is hard at work exerting its brand of Chicago-style shakedown politics.” http://rsc.tomprice.house.gov/News/DocumentSingle.aspx?DocumentID=191125

  81. zhubajie

    Boehner et al. are laying into Barton because he was too honest. He actually showed his horns and tail! He was supposed to hide his allegiance to Cthulhu. (GOP = Giant Octopus Party).

  82. Baby who ate the Dingo

    “Mrs. Lincoln, I want you to apologize to Mr. Booth for those hateful words and thank him for making your life easier, since you won’t have to do any more of his shirts.”

  83. zhubajie

    [re=601555]ella[/re]: Well, they’ve been getting away with worse things in Nigeria and Ecuador for a long time.

  84. Terry

    [re=601484]Serolf Divad[/re]:

    Yeah, but in that case, Whittington was probably worried Cheney would come back and shoot him again, this time in a major organ or two.

  85. zhubajie

    [re=601563]JeffBarea[/re]: No, despising big business and super-selfishness is conservative. The US “conservative” movement is anything but genuinely conservative. Otherwise, they’d be eager to conserve!

  86. Terry

    [re=601489]Ninong[/re]:

    Old Joe actually entered Congress in 1985 as a part of Newt’s Republican Revolution. I know this because I was in grad school at Texas A&M at the time and he came to speak with our policy class and we close to made him cry. He was taking about how close he was to Newt, about how they were protesting an election result in a different state, about how the Contract on America would change things for the country. We kept asking him specific questions related to the needs of his district and he really couldn’t answer or even reasonably discuss ANY of them. He started to sort of wring his hands and turned red, then his hands started to shake. Then his face started to look funny(-er) and he had to leave.

    These weren’t hard questions either, just basic stuff about the district’s interests.

  87. zhubajie

    [re=601577]finallyhappy[/re]: Learn Spanish. Latin American countries have their flaws, but they’ve usually been ready to accept political exiles. You can plot a come back there.

  88. TGY

    Oh, sure, pile on the obvious whore while there’s 10-20 secret whores slinking around. Does Joe not win anything by his sincerity? I think we owe him an apology. Hm. Never mind.

  89. zhubajie

    [re=601567]Geogre[/re]: Brazil was already the greatest slave empire, and a military power. Southron POWs were lucky that Lincoln et amici didn’t just sell them to plantation owners in Brazil.

  90. zhubajie

    [re=601570]slappypaddy[/re]: It would be more like Bushwhackers vs. Jayhawkers than Grant vs. Lee.

  91. zhubajie

    [re=601582]Katydid[/re]: Cradle Republican. My father was a farmer in NW Iowa. Farmers are small businessmen and in those days, at least, Iowa was solidly small business Republicans. Of course, the GOP,ca. 1953, was far different from today.

  92. zhubajie

    [re=601592]Katydid[/re]: A couple of months ago, BBC World Service interviewed one of the witnesses of the first lethal injection. He said it took about 15 minutes. That’s about the same as the old “Tyburn Jig”, when Jack Kemp just pushed’em off a ladder to choke at the end of a rope. Firing squad is quick and certain, like the guillotine.

  93. McDuff

    “Of all the U.S. states along the Gulf Coast, only Texas has been spared devastation from the BP oil spill.”

    NOT ANY MORE. National Park Service now reporting tar balls washing ashore in the Padre Island National Seashore and in the Port Aransas area of the Texas coast. NPS expects further oilling of beaches as spill goes on. See NPS Morning Report of 6/18 at http://home.nps.gov/applications/morningreport/

  94. gurukalehuru

    Joe Barton has mean little eyes, like a snake.

    Harry Palmer! Don’t let up, dude, you are absolutely spot on.

  95. Shot at Wolf

    [re=601599]Hedley Lamar[/re]: I agree. How about this: I saw a bumper sticker in Columbia, SC, that proclaimed, “I think, therefore I am…a Republican”. Not a dick joke, but the best laugh I had all week.

  96. zhubajie

    So what have the faith healers, Benny Hinn, et al, been saying about the Spill? Have they been offering th HEAL!! the Gulf? Bro. Stair has been enjoying the disaster, as it very vaguely fulfills his prophecies of nuclear destruction, made back in the’80s. He’s intrigued by dreams one fan sent him saying that the Spill was really a volcano, which would blow up, destroy the South with a tsunami. All divine punishment for our sins, of course. And since Bro Stair believes in Predestination, and that only about 1000 Americans can be saved, the rest of us will go to Hell, no matter what. He’s the Ezra Pound of the Internet, someone told me a few weeks ago!

  97. zhubajie

    [re=601570]slappypaddy[/re]: You’ve seen the map of red/blue states. Have you seen the one of red/blue counties? All the states are divided the way the country is. Partisan violence is quite possible, but it wont’ be like in the 1860s. More like Bosnia or China in the warlord era. That would be far worse.

  98. PsycGirl

    [re=601579]zhubajie[/re]: Can I come and not fight, just climb mountains and eat real Chinese food?

  99. reasonabletexan

    Is anyone aware that the Dutch offered ships and skimmers that could have prevented much of the calamity but were turned down by BP, Obama, and the EPA. Next thing you know (58 days later) BP is in the Whitehouse signing over assets.
    Whoops, did I hear another Marxist pin drop?
    No need to reply as it will require fossil fuel usage from the power for the PC, keys on the keyboard, material in the chair, fuel in the Obama jet to fly to another country to apologize for how we are using too much energy in America.

  100. BklynIlluminati

    I would like to be the first person to congratulate Joe Barton on his shameless power grab as King of the stupid people.

  101. geminisunmars

    [re=601618]Terry[/re]: “He started to sort of wring his hands and turned red, then his hands started to shake. Then his face started to look funny(-er) and he had to leave.”

    Kinda how he looked at his apology for apologizing.

  102. Darkness

    Of all the U.S. states along the Gulf Coast, only Texas has been spared devastation from the BP oil spill

    A record hurricane season should fix that. God has one great sense of drama. And irony.

  103. Darkness

    [re=601711]reasonabletexan[/re]: How do skimmers work on oil a mile below the surface that flows for a hundred miles before surfacing? For the thousandth time: this isn’t a leaking fucking ship, you shilling douchebag. And by the way, no fucking skimmer could hold even a fraction of the oil spewing every day, even if by some Disney like magical power it all came to the surface for easy pick up. They can’t even hold half the oil they are currently piping to the surface. AND, skimmers are going to be useless in the middle of a hurricane AND skimmers were going to plug the fucking hole, how, exactly? Jesus you are a fucking tool.

  104. comicbookguy

    [re=601711]reasonabletexan[/re]: Somebody has been reading Sarah Palin’s facebook page!

    Something about Dutch dykes, also.

  105. Lake Affected

    [re=601711]reasonabletexan[/re]: Yeah, I’d heard the story about the Dutch skimmers. Did you hear the one about the oil in the water column? The reason the oil is in the water column is that it is flowing into the Gulf from the seabed to the surface, with a mile of water in between…did you know that? Are you aware that water doesn’t sit still? Wherever it moves, it takes the oil suspended in it, which eventually surfaces somewhere else. Until that oil flow is under control, skimming is a stopgap. Oil’s going to get all over everything no matter what anyone does. It was only prudent of the President to ask BP to set some money aside in trust for victims, so that the entire Gulf Coast doesn’t end up an unsecured creditor. That’s called “securing a legitimate damages claim on behalf of your constituents because someone spilled oil all over them.” Not “Marxism.”

  106. LittlePig

    [re=601711]reasonabletexan[/re]: That clever Marxist Obama went back in time 90 years to prevent those Dutch skimmers from coming in!

    Djou, a Republican who won a May 22 special election to fill the seat of former Democratic Rep. Neil Abercrombie, has been prodding President Barack Obama to waive a 90-year-old law so foreign ships can help respond to the huge oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

    The statute, known as the Jones Act, requires vessels transporting goods between states to have been built in the United States, be crewed and owned by U.S. citizens and fly the U.S. flag.

    But then your a reasonable Texan and know that laws are only for “small people”.

  107. Libbygirl

    [re=601573]zhubajie[/re]: Exactly!
    I’ve been calling this ‘The Dallas Theory’ since the Ronnie years. The Reagan administration did a really thorough job of convincing dumbasses and white collar bottom feeders that one day they’d be millionaires living on big ranches just like those people on the TeeVee.
    And they bought it-hook, line & sinker.

    And now I swear that the ‘Olds’ out on the street corner wearing teabags on their hats and fanny packs and screaming slogans they memorized (courtesy of the fat drug-addled pigface and whiny shitforbrains and their ilk) are those very same people. These aging baby-boomers (and I am unfortunately a member of the last gasp of that ignoble group) are primarily self-centered ‘I Got Mine’ Randian pieces of shit.

    Wow, zhubajie, you said it much more eloquently than I did! OK I’ll slink back into my corner now. Apologies for the lack of snark.

    (wanders away, muttering…)

  108. Abou Diaby

    The wingnuts got caught offside with this latest attack on Obama. Boehner dipped his toe in the water with a similar pro-corporate talking point, having to do with the fed footing the bill, and he got slammed. Then Bachmann, Palin and now Barton are pushing this slush fund talking point without realizing that 82% of the public think it’s a good idea. The problem, however, is that they got Rush Limbaugh to distribute this latest talking point to the baggers before it became toxic. Now the GOP has to navigate between pissed off baggers, who believe that the $20 billion was a shakedown, and the huge percentage who see them as kissing BP’s ass. And since this Oil Spill is going to be the biggest thing up until the November elections, they are fucked.

    From what I’ve read today, the baggers are calling Barton spineless and are pissed at Boehner and Cantor for keeping real America from hearing the truth.

  109. Maus

    [re=601464]bakeneko[/re]: “In a future edition of the OED, the photo above will accompany their definition of “Dickless Stooge”. ”

    Or some “whatever happened to that inbred kid with the banjo from deliverance?” blog entry.

  110. Accordion-o-rama

    [re=601473]SayItWithWookies[/re]: On the other hand, we have found the Texas Bozon.

  111. chascates

    [re=601711]reasonabletexan[/re]: From Monday’s Washington Post:

    In late May, the administration accepted Mexico’s offer of two skimmers and 13,779 feet of boom; a Dutch offer of three sets of Koseq sweeping arms, which attach to the sides of ships and gather oil; and eight skimming systems offered by Norway.

  112. Words

    If anyone is still commenting here (I’m late to the party, it seems), I wonder where our Ammo & Guns expert, Neilist, is? He’s missing some good discussion on firing squads vs. the alternatives….

    [re=601680]zhubajie[/re]: just curious: how’d you end up in China? — also, agree w/your comment @ the GOP of ’53— a little before my time, but Ike was a whole different kind of Republican than what we have today.. he also showed some sense in despising Nixon.

  113. getoffmylawn

    You know how many times we’re gonna have to look at this guy and hear his misconstruedness in the three days leading up to the mid-terms?

  114. BobTheBuilder

    I apologize to those I’ve offended by apologizing to those I’ve offended by apologizing to those I’ve offended by apologizing to those I’ve offended by apologizing to those I’ve offended by apologizing to those I’ve offended by apologizing to those I’ve offended by apologizing to those I’ve offended by apologizing to those I’ve offended by apologizing to those I’ve offended by apologizing to those I’ve offended by apologizing to those I’ve offended by apologizing to those I’ve offended by apologizing to those I’ve offended by apologizing to those I’ve offended by apologizing to those I’ve offended by apologizing to those I’ve offended by apologizing to those I’ve offended by apologizing to those I’ve offended by apologizing to those I’ve offended by apologizing to those I’ve offended by apologizing to those I’ve offended by apologizing to those I’ve offended by apologizing to those I’ve offended by apologizing.

  115. Bearbloke

    [re=602099]chascates[/re]: There’s no such thing as ‘a reasonable Texan’ – after all, look at who they’ve voted for since 1994!

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