Obama Is Losing His Muslin Base

  will they cut off his hand for being bad at talking?

Time to wrap up his presidency.It was bad enough losing the pundits, but it appears President Obama is losing footing among his own people, the Muslims. While Obama continues to be loved by gay godless Europeans, polls show a majority of people in Muslim countries have a negative opinion of our keffiyehed leader. These Mohammedans believe the U.S. “could pose a military threat to their country some day,” despite the fact that Obama has yet to destroy the country he hates most, America. But of course such foreigners are shifty and likely lied to pollsters, knowing the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq are just a ruse to secretly raise Muslin armies to come over here and re-establish the American caliphate. [BBC]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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65 comments

  1. JackDempsey

    He still has time to make up points in the swimsuit phase of the competition.
    It’s a matter of threading the needle between showing a little and not showing too much.

  2. BklynIlluminati

    I for one welcome our new Caliph. As long i get a magic lamp to rub out i mean just rub

  3. Johnny Zhivago

    Not fair! With the Gulf Coast nearly destroyed, I’d say Obama is well on his way towards wrecking the entire United States.

  4. Johnny Zhivago

    [re=601285]BklynIlluminati[/re]: This is so cool, because finally there’s a reason for me to go and buy a fez.

  5. slappypaddy

    the only country the united states poses a military threat to anymore is the united states.

  6. Maus

    “polls show a majority of people in Muslim countries have a negative opinion of our keffiyehed leader. These Mohammedans believe the U.S. “could pose a military threat to their country some day,”

    Gee, I sure wonder why Iran and Pakistan might say CRAZY things like this?!

  7. Serolf Divad

    Scurrilous rumor mongers in his native Kenya are floating the lie that he was born in Hawaii and that his Kenyan birth certificate is a forgery. That’s the reason for his declining popularity among the Mohamedans.

  8. JackDempsey

    [re=601293]Johnny Zhivago[/re]:
    *buy* a fez?
    There’s an easy way to get one for free. http://www.shrinershq.org/
    Don’t get too excited, though—–
    “While the fez was a colourful and picturesque item of uniform it was in several ways an impractical headdress. If worn without a drab cover it made the head a target for enemy fire, and it provided little protection from the sun.” wikipedia

  9. Hooray For Anything

    But wait, Fox keeps on telling me that Obama is too busy making sweet love to the Muslins for him to be hated. I thought that’s why we haven’t nuked Iran yet.

  10. Snarkalicious

    [re=601297]slappypaddy[/re]: Yeah, no shit. I’m pretty sure our next target is Soccer Hooligans.

  11. Okie Dokie Dog

    I don’t understand the difference between Muslin and Muslim.
    Does it have anything to do with the thread count in the linen or whut?

  12. Neilist

    Gee, that photo brings back the memories. Specifically:

    So ‘ere’s to you, Fuzzy-Wuzzy, at your ‘ome in the Soudan;
    You’re a pore benighted ‘eathen but a first-class fightin’ man;
    An’ ‘ere’s to you, Fuzzy-Wuzzy, with your ‘ayrick ‘ead of ‘air –
    You big black boundin’ beggar – for you broke a British square!

    (Where’s my bloody Winchester brass receiver P.O.S.? Dale! DALE! Need a little of that “Served During The Vietnam War” backup here! Dale!?! DALE!???!!)

  13. legalize everything

    [re=601311]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Well we know Fox can’t be wrong so…I guess they’ve moved on to the “hate sex” stage of their relationship?

  14. SayItWithWookies

    Has Joe Barton apologized to the Muslims for this travesty yet? They have oil, you know.

  15. Cicada

    [re=601266]Gratuitous World[/re]: That reference must have been covered in dust! I hope you took your allergy tablet. And yes, I laughed.

  16. Neilist

    You know, I may have wrong poem. How about:

    Now since the Khalifa has been defeated and his rule at an end,
    Let us thank God that fortunately did send
    The brave Sir Herbert Kitchener to conquer that bad man,
    The inhuman Khalifa, and his followers at the battle of Omdurman.

    Success to Sir Herbert Kitchener! he is a great commander,
    And as skilful in military tactics as the great Alexander,
    Because he devised a very wise plan,
    And by it has captured the town of Omdurman.

    I wish success to the British and Soudanese Army,
    May God protect them by land and by sea,
    May he enable them always to conquer the foe,
    And to establish what’s right wherever they go.

    The Battle of Omdurman
    By Knight of the White Elephant of Burmah William McGonagall

    [Those Scots. Born poets, aren't they? Particularly when blind drunk.]

  17. tribbzthesquidz

    They’ll come back around once Bararck finishes establishing Sharia law. He taught a class on it at Havarti.

  18. finallyhappy

    This must be wrong because Ed Koch just wrote and said our Muslin overlord is responsible for orchestrating all of the hateful writing recently about Israel. The guy can’t win- he hates Israel , he hates the Arabs, he hates America(well, Snowbilly said that one or maybe weepy Glenn).

  19. Texan Bulldoggette

    Looking at that pic reminds me of the Dem Primary days. Back when Barry’s biggest problems were his loud-mouthed preacher, fear his wife would call Wolf Blitzer ‘whitey’ and that everyone thought he was a secret muslin. Oh, I bet he longs for the good old days.

  20. I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO

    [re=601344]finallyhappy[/re]: It makes you wonder, with as evil as our current president is, it’s amazing how the media finds footage of him NOT eating aborted fetuses whilst urinating on a pile of bibles. I mean, it must be the only thing he does. Ever.

  21. zhubajie

    [re=601288]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: Just cleaning up after Bush, like sending in the B team when you’re 100 points ahead and 5 minutes left to play.

  22. chascates

    Sarah Palin has just endorsed Star Parker for Congress as well as a couple of other ‘liberty-loving Mama Grizzlies.’

  23. zhubajie

    [re=601293]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: I have the sort of knit woolen cap Buddhist monks wear in China. I get taken for a Muslim all the time. The only sort-of White population in China are the Muslims of Xinjiang, and I guess blue eyes are not too out-of-the-ordinary there.

  24. Maus

    [re=601311]Hooray For Anything[/re]: “But wait, Fox keeps on telling me that Obama is too busy making sweet love to the Muslins for him to be hated. I thought that’s why we haven’t nuked Iran yet.”

    But Fox’s Glenn Beck convinced my mother pre-election that the Muslins HATE a convert to Christianity and therefore 10x the attacks will be committed on the US. Surely they can’t be telling us both!

    [re=601367]zhubajie[/re]: “They should check out the caliphate of the Ordo Templi Orientis!”

    The OTO? Aren’t they like the chubby, polyamorous jugglers-in-utilikilts that the LaVeyans are, but with slightly better jobs, a heroin addiction, and much MUCH more pretension?

  25. G. Friday

    Man, if Teddy Roosevelt had been in touch with his Koran as T. Jefferson…American Caliphate, yo.

  26. Katydid

    [re=601344]finallyhappy[/re]: Obummer hates white people, he hates black people, he hates Republicans, he hates liberals….

  27. zhubajie

    [re=601310]JackDempsey[/re]: Go for a keffiyeh! Wrap the long ends around your neck in the winter, it’s better than a scarf.

  28. Barrelhse

    [re=601328]Neilist[/re]: Lord Kitchener is now penning the Great Prison Novel, written with ink made from his own blood (although the carbon-copies prove unacceptable.)

  29. zhubajie

    [re=601320]Neilist[/re]: Don’t forget that Crazy Horse and his friends all had British brass receiver rifles, bought from the Hudson’s Bay Co.

  30. x111e7thst

    [re=601300]Maus[/re]: It is clearly necessary that we begin bombing all these countries at once, before they can act on their perception of us as a threat. Combine this with a capital gains tax cut and you also fix the economy and render the nastiness in the Gulf moot. Sounds like a win/win to me. Does it to you?

  31. x111e7thst

    [re=601320]Neilist[/re]: ‘E’ll be squattin’ on the coals
    Givin’ drink to poor damned souls,
    An’ I’ll get a swig in hell from Gunga Din!
    Yes, Din! Din! Din!
    You Lazarushian-leather Gunga Din!
    Though I’ve belted you and flayed you,
    By the livin’ Gawd that made you,
    You’re a better man than I am, Gunga Din

    Ein Whiskey soda mit Eiss. Mach gantz shnell, sonst werd ich dir Beine maschen!

  32. Hunger Tallest Palin

    ZOMG OBAMA IS RALLYING THE TERRORISTS!1

    [re=601318]Okie Dokie Dog[/re]: You’re not supposed to wear Muslin between Labor Day and Memorial Day but Muslim is FABULOUS any time of year.

  33. drcjsnider

    Nice typo in the title… I thought the story was going to be about cotton producucers refusing to sell to Obama.

  34. predilectrix

    [re=601318]Okie Dokie Dog[/re]: You know that tenuous thread by which Teatards are clinging to their sanity? That’s the Muslin thread we’re counting. The crazier the bagger, the lower the count.

    [re=601377]zhubajie[/re]: Blue eyes?? You’ve just wrecked my imaginary bio for you, an impressively colloquial English-speaking Chinese, who traveled to the US to attend UW-Madison, where you picked up a taste for The Onion-type humor before heading home to China, but since no one there understands your references now, you reach out to Wonketteers as your tribe, always posting at antipodean hours. So, you’re a Muslin Bedoin, then?

  35. AddHomonym

    [re=601432]predilectrix[/re]: I always thought zhubajie was US America-born but left long ago and has never been happier but he still likes to spy on/mock us via the Wonkettes. Close?

  36. Radiotherapy

    : IN THE NAME OF ALLAH, THE MERCIFUL, THE JUST:
    IN THIS YEAR OF 1432 THE PROPHET MUHAMMED BARACK MADE HAJJ TO 1600 PENN AVE.. PROCLAIMING THE UNITY OF GOD, HE DICTATED THE HOLY QU’RAN, THE PERFECT & UNCHANGING WORD OF ALLAH. THE USURPTION OF INFIDELS WAS EXCELLENT. AMEEN.
    IN THE NAME OF ALLAH, THE MERCIFUL, THE COMPASSIONATE: ALLAH TA’ALLAH DICTATED THE HOLY QU’RAN TO HIS HOLY PROPHET IN THE DIVINE LANGUAGE OF ARABIC, THE INFIDEL AMONGST US AND AGAINST US IN JIHAD, TO WHICH THERE EXISTS NO OTHER RECOURSE. ARE WE TO BLASPHEMOUSLY AND IMPIOUSLY CLAIM THAT WE KNOW BETTER THAN ALLAH AR-RASHID, THE GREAT TEACHER OF MANKIND, IN EMPLOYING “MODERN” AND UNNECESSARY INNOVATIONS WHEN HIS HOLY PROPHET MADE NO USE OF SUCH THINGS? BETTER TO ENCOURAGE UNITY WITHIN THE UMMAH BY PROMOTING THE ARABIC TONGUE, AND TO EVADE TAJDIF (BLASPHEMY) WHEN CONVERSING WITH KUFFAR SUCH AS YOURSELF BY ADHERING TO ITS DIVINE STRUCTURES. AMEEN

  37. Johnny Zhivago

    [re=601310]JackDempsey[/re]: So let me get this straight. Shriner’s are Moolims? Because that sure likes like a Mooslim sword and half moon on that Fez.

    Or could they just be from South Carolina?

  38. lumpenprole

    wtf is wrong with Muslims worldwide? They’ve got a perfectly decent, clean, articulate guy who’s won over our youth and the coastal elites (we were going to bomb you folks anyways). You want him to be consistently sane too? Sorry, but, Nader 2012 for you! Nader 2012!

  39. zhubajie

    [re=601328]Neilist[/re]: I believe the Khalifa was already dead by that time. Kitchener wanted to steal his skull, turn it into a cup, but Queen Victoria prevented him.

    Zhu Bajie

  40. zhubajie

    “zhubajie: ‘They should check out the caliphate of the Ordo Templi Orientis!’

    The OTO? Aren’t they like the chubby, polyamorous jugglers-in-utilikilts that the LaVeyans are, but with slightly better jobs, a heroin addiction, and much MUCH more pretension?”

    OTO was Crowley’s (GWB’s grandfather according to scurrilous rumors!!) outfit. Of late, they’ve split several ways, just like Baptists, and probably they have rival caliphs (just like Muslims in the old days!).

    Zhu Bajie, alive in the bitter sea

  41. zhubajie

    [re=601329]tribbzthesquidz[/re]: Which school of sharia? I’ve always like the idea of those shi’ite temporary marriages!

  42. zhubajie

    [re=601420]x111e7thst[/re]: Read Mark Twain’s _Following the Equator_, esp. the section about India. He saw guests in hotels strike Indian workers in the face before giving an order. He said it reminded him of slave days in his Missouri childhood. Orwell also writes about how routinely Britons in India beat or kicked Indian working people.

  43. zhubajie

    [re=601382]Maus[/re]: Glenn Beck’s a Mormon, and in Mormon terms, a Fundamentalist whacko. What does he know about Islam or Christianity? Ordinary Islam is far closer to ordinary Protestantism than even ordinary Mormonism, let alone Beck’s weirdo whacko offshoot.

  44. zhubajie

    [re=601432]predilectrix[/re]: I am a Norwegian/Dutch American from the wilds of Northwest Iowa. I have blue eyes. I served in Viet Nam on an aircraft carrier and even voted for Nixon (about the time GWB was a deserter in AL, I believe.). I have a PhD in middle east history and archeology, with a specialty in religions and astrology. I read six middle eastern languages, plus French and German (and now Chinese). With all this background, it’s not surprising that the best job I could get was non-f*cking parking lot attendant! (It gave me lots of time to read, contemplate my nervous breakdown, my debts and life in the USA.) Luckier White people never hesitated to tell me that if would only re-arrange my resume, I’d have a job right away (or to sidle up and tell me, sotto voce, that if I were a Black woman, I’d have a job right away.) The first university to offer me a teaching job was in China. Towards the end of the year, I realized that I was happy in China, and didn’t want to go back. So I didn’t. I’ve enjoyed the expat life ever since, waited for the economic house of cards to fall (ha! ha! ha!) and civil war to follow (don’t trust the Republicans or the born-agains!).

    Let me tell you, China has some problems, but some virtues as well. I could say more, but that’s enough Confession for now.

    One last thing: my name is taken from one of the characters in the fantasy epic, Journey to the West. Zhu Bajie, among other things, is the patron god of prostitutes and other “night occupations.” A few years ago, readers of a women’s magazine voted him the ideal husband because he was loyal and hard-working.

  45. zhubajie

    [re=601437]AddHomonym[/re]: Close. Joyce spent his life in Trieste/Paris, but couldn’t stop thinking about Dublin. I live in China but sometimes think about the USA. From a distance, I can see some things more clearly. USA: tragedy or comedy? Well, much of it inspires sardonic laughter in me.

  46. tribbzthesquidz

    [re=601538]zhubajie[/re]: The new school of Sharia. The ultra-liberal one. Apparently.

  47. Snarkalicious

    [re=601554]zhubajie[/re]: Jesus…Persian/Sino Soccer Hooligans? That’s fucking terrifying.

  48. Maus

    [re=601537]zhubajie[/re]: “OTO was Crowley’s (GWB’s grandfather according to scurrilous rumors!!) outfit. Of late, they’ve split several ways, just like Baptists, and probably they have rival caliphs (just like Muslims in the old days!).”

    As a Coil fan, I’m well familiar with the Crowleyans, Golden Dawn, etc., but you’re not quite arguing with me here :3

  49. Maus

    [re=601545]zhubajie[/re]: “Glenn Beck’s a Mormon, and in Mormon terms, a Fundamentalist whacko. What does he know about Islam or Christianity? Ordinary Islam is far closer to ordinary Protestantism than even ordinary Mormonism, let alone Beck’s weirdo whacko offshoot.”

    It wasn’t just him and the Mormon born-again alcoholics, though. From what I recall the “muslins hate a convert, therefore 9/11 times 1000″ talking point was pretty strong with both the rapture-readies and the rest of the “mainstream Republican” talk radio set.

  50. Neilist

    [re=601534]zhubajie[/re]: LORD Kitchner, to you, Sir!

    And Her Imperial Majesty, Queen Victory, did not prevent turning the Mahdi’s skull into a cup. She merely objected that said artifact had insufficient capacity to hold the quart of gin and laudanum that she swilled before breakfast each morning.

    [BTW: Interesting resume you have there, old man.]

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