Everything will be different once Henry Waxman and Bart Stupak firmly chide BP CEO Tony Hayward for that terrible mess he made in the Gulf of Mexico. Tony may even get sent to his room for a timeout. And then the oil spill disaster will be over, once the tears dry and forgiveness is given. You will not want to miss the live teevee testimony! Or, more likely, you do want to miss it — but you’d still like to learn & laugh together with your only friends, here at Wonkette. Let’s liveblog Scotland’s own Ninja Turtle, Tony Hayward, as he reads this prepared speech that has been posted on the Internet for hours now.
9:47 AM — Really, here’s the speech. IT IS SO SINCERE, so kudos to whatever PR hack hired by BP put this wonderful statement together.
9:50 AM — Let’s just scan this thing, see what people will pretend to “react to” during the House testimony and grilling.
9:51 AM — “The explosion and fire aboard the Deepwater Horizon ….” Ah ha, already passing the buck in the first sentence, jolly good.
9:52 AM — “None of us yet knows why it happened.” Second sentence is a Lie, as there are daily revelations about just how much BP knew, and just how hard the rig’s staff was pushed to cut corners and keep the oil flowing.
9:53 AM — Then he will be sad about the 11 workers who were killed when the rig exploded, then he will be sad about the devastation and such, and then he will wonder if anyone could ever know what to do in such a situation, and then he will bring up the question of deep-water drilling and whether it can ever be safe.
9:54 AM — And then he’ll recap for about 10 minutes. This is sort of “pre-liveblogging,” which is perfectly legal. But we’ll also be watching Tony read these words, and judging his delivery and his choice of beverage and whatever else, because there won’t be a lot more to cover. Maybe somebody will faint! That would be news. (We wish them a speedy recovery, this person who faints.)
10:04 AM — Henry Waxman read 30 million emails last night and come on, did you BP idiots even know what offshore drilling was until this thing broke?
10:07 AM — Ha ha, BP laughed at the danger of this “nightmare” well, which is what BP people called it, and then when they knew the whole well would explode and break and leak all the world’s oil onto the poor coastlines of the Gulf of Mexico, the BP logo actually laughed and wrote this email: “Who cares? It’s done.”
10:10 AM — And oil is bad for us! Why does Tony Hayward sell OIL when everybody knows it’s terrible?
10:11 AM — And MSNBC’s live feed has a little picture-in-picture in the corner of the well gushing into the Gulf, forever.
10:11 AM — Joe Barton, meanwhile, is teaching Tony Hayward about the history of Britain and America. Did you know these two countries were once related? Nobody knows how or why, but it seems there are some common roots to these problems, and Joe Barton is “ashamed of what happened in the White House yesterday,” oh man he is GOING FOR IT.
10:13 AM — If Joe Barton was president and did this, he would go to jail. He SHOULD go to jail. How dare “British Petroleum” be treated in such a way, by a black president? That ain’t how we do it in Texas!
10:14 AM — Tony Hayward is looking about as uncomfortable as hell, listening to wingnut Joe Barton.
10:15 AM — Hahaha, Joe Barton is leaving in America. “I don’t want to live in a country … that does a shakedown.” Oh we need the full quote on this, because motherfucking Joe Barton is moving back to communist Russia. HE SAID HE DOESN’T WANT TO LIVE IN AMERICA, FOR REALS!
10:17 AM — Good lord, Bart Stupak talks *exactly* like the default Macintosh computer voice. “Fitter, happier, more productive ….”
10:18 AM — Somebody shut Stupak up quick, or we’re going to start making chess moves.
10:19 AM — ROOK TO E 5.
10:22 AM — And … MSNBC cuts him off. “Quiet, robot man!”
10:24 AM — Let’s try CNN. Much bigger underwater well gusher video! And … John King turns off Burgess’ mic.
10:25 AM — And here’s a hologram of Jessica.
10:29 AM — How are the markets reacting? They are reacting poorly, but to the terrible housing data. Pier 1 Imports is up, so that means America is buying some bamboo shit for the patio again?
10:30 AM — And Mike Bloomberg will match Warren Buffett’s billionaire charity giveaway thing, so expect your check any day now!
10:31 AM — Let’s check CSPAN, which has the dignity to not upstage these gross old congresspeople with that sexy gushing oil-well video.
10:35 AM — Oh bring it, Virginia Foxx … wait, what is she even talking about?
10:35 AM — CSPAN 1, why not show the Hayward Show? Where the hell is CSPAN 3, anyway?
10:35 AM — Ugh, Walnuts is barking on the CSPAN Senate channel. He has no idea this oil spill even happened. Otherwise he would be Twittering “solutions,” to Snooki.
10:37 AM — Nobody will let these brave House members read stuff! Oh wait, MSNBC is back on the feed, but now with the BIGGEST, SEXIEST OIL GUSHER UNDERWATER UPSKIRT VIDEO EVER.
11:02 AM — We took a coffee break. We are not Small People. We wish to have our lives back. We are Bart Stupak-brand word processors.
11:09 AM — Well, nobody’s running audio from the hearings, so we’ll come back later when “the good part” begins. We will start a new liveblog, at that time!
Concerned (but powerless)
An empowered and informed member of society
(Pragmatism not idealism)
Will not cry in public ….
11:30 AM — OKAY PEOPLE WE GOT A NEW LIVEBLOG RIGHT OVER HERE.
{ 61 comments }
Listening live. He looks like he wants his golden parachute right now.
You are the best “live” blogger ever. You’ve set a high bar for this Jack Steuf person with the credentials out the wazoo.
I’ll bet he regrets ever leaving his cushy gig pushing Miracle Wax in 2:30 am informercials.
Thank God Texas Republican Joe Barton apologized to BP for the shakedown of BP by the Obama administration. In Texas they understand how important due process is. Unless maybe you’re a retarded murder suspect, in which case they just fire up Ol’ Sparky.
dear Joe Barton: Don’t let the border hit ya, where the good Lord split ya.
Why is this fuckwad Joe Barton ashamed of the White House? Because he is a Republican, and is therefore ashamed of Obama, forever and ever? He’s ashamed of his president, and therefore ashamed of America, and therefore unpatriotic. Why doesn’t he just put on a turban and move to Pakistan/France already?
Hey, Bart Stupak sounds like Adobe Reader when he reads stuff out loud.
Also, the dumb talking head lady on MS-NBC got Barton’s name wrong, maybe because they leave off the name of the talking-head-on-the-screen to fill up the screen with lots of other stupid stuff.
Look at me. I’m the pretend Ken Layne.
Bart Stupak is a pig on antibiotics.
Is Ron Paul there? Please say yes. I want to know what my rational self interest in BP should be.
Barton really does like some sort of failed weasel-human hybrid cooked up in an East German cloning tank.
Odds of President Bush’s handlers being complicit with 9-11: 1 in 2.5
Odds of President Obama’s handlers being complicit with oil spill: 1 in 2.0
Odds of the “who cares, it’s done” e-mail being government plant: 1 in 2.7
Regardless of whatever reality is, this is a good morning as it has been discovered that there are three (3) cans of Diet Dr. Pepper that I had thought were consumed at the party, which, in fact, are still unopened. This much I know.
Y’all realize there’s a perfectly good World Cup match on right now, right?
First Rick Perry, now Joe Barton; why do Texans hate America? Hopefully they can gather more followers to the point they do resecede and we can be rid of them.
In Texas, we don’t say mean things to oil company executives! We lather ‘em up, give ‘em a reacharound and refresh their seltzer water. I’m Joe Barton, and I prmoise to keep my head as straight up and down as possible so Tony Hayward can keep his beer can on top of it.
[re=600630]PabaBritannica[/re]: Sorry. Your rational self interest was purchased by AIG which sold it to Fannie Mae which then sold it to Wells Fargo were it was purchased by BP (that is British Petroleum by the way, not Beyond Petroleum, obviously, also.)
I would have been more shocked if Old Joe passed on a chance to suck off a Big Oil CEO.
What are you taking notes on, Lobsterback? Are you writing “I shalle notte be ane Naughty boye” 100 times like Obama told you to?
[re=600634]Panquake[/re]: This is the England/USA rematch. I didn’t think this one had much chance of being a tie but apparently if Barton’s going to keep scoring Own Goals like that, anything can happen.
If this is half as fun as that time Congress screamed at bankers for destroying the world financial system, then couldn’t figure out how to pass legislation to punish them/prevent it from happening again, then we’re in for a real treat.
Joe Barton can suck our collective oil coated dicks. What the fuck people…W.T.F? Making BP pay for it’s fuck-ups is a “shakedown”?
I hate this world.
Hey all, it’s a beautiful day to go the beach. What are you doing watching Dudley Moore on C-Span3?
if you want to deal with the devil, you better play the fiddle damn good.
Today, we all want our
countrylives back.Nobody could have predicted they would fly airplanes into buildings!
How can we start a fund to buy Joe Barton a one-way ticket to Fuckoffistan? I’m good for the checked-baggage surcharges, no matter how much of his ill-gotten shit he wants to take when he goes.
hey, I found C-Span 3, did you miss Markey? He ripped into Barton, fuck his prepared statement. Gotta love Markey.
Nobody could have predicted an explosion and fire on a deepwater drilling rig.
[re=600661]Katydid[/re]: I heart Markey for what he said.
Call me a cynic, but at any Congressional hearing, you can always tell who’s speaking from the heart, who’s speaking for CR and who’s speaking for campaign ads.
[re=600652]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: You know, Joe and his corporate stooges won’t be happy until they completely destroy the the country the pussified, socialist, 4-times Roosevelt re-electin’ “greatest generation” gave us, with all their “let’s keep the little guy from gettin fucked by the robber-barons, and by the way I’m proud to be a little guy/ average Joe” touchy-feely bullshit. It’s what Jeebus and St Ronnie (who was recognized then to be the pussy he was) want.
/rant off
I remember listening to “The Chicago Shakedown.” They had some hits back in the 90s, but their new songs are kind of derivative.
can we just get to the end of the testimony already, when getting off our oil dependency happens and we manage to keep the future carbon ppm down below 390 and there’s no more asthma in the inner city and cheap, clean public transportation across the country and…
[re=600621]bfstevie[/re]: “In Texas they understand how important due process is. Unless maybe you’re a retarded murder suspect, in which case they just fire up Ol’ Sparky.”
in the old days they’d just tie you up and throw you in the bayou (east texas) or take you out in the desert and let you see about managing a walkout without water (west texas). ol’ sparky is proof that civilization has come to texas—they gots themsells some e-lec-triss-ity! and they knows how to use it ‘n’ air-thang.
The Mike Doyle guy is raising actual factual questions about the actual accident. WTF?
These “opening statements” are just like Twitter, only longer and more inane. Also less factual.
Evil Corporate Communications 101: Bad thing = passive voice, Good Thing = Active voice.
“We have made mistakes” – no! Bad! “Mistakes have been made” (but by whom? It’s a mystery!) Yes! Hide!
“Things will be made right” – Is that how you take credit for all the good things in the world? “We will make things right.” Lovely. Job done. Now back across the pond for polo at Crocker End, pip pip.
Bart Stupak looks like a frequent and enthusiastic masturbator.
Does the official Wonkette employment agreement allow for a 25 minute coffee break, Mr. Layne?
Wipe your chin, Joe. Tony left something there.
How has BP not yet hired Alberto Gonzales?
Is the BP Shakedown like the Lindy Hop?
[re=600666]harry palmer[/re]: The GOP’s agenda is to cede sovereignty to the corporations, isn’t it? Thats why they want to drown the gubmint in a bathtub. Its really very cutting-edge, its the democrats who cling to the old antiquated notion of a democratic nation-state, the GOP understands that the only legitimate basis for rule is money and capital. Propitty, Ayn Rand and Rand Paul will tell you, if you have property, you should have the abslute right to do with it as you please, for example, purchase a government.
[re=600679]the cold war makes me hot[/re]: Your avatar makes me moan.
Joe Barton is the fall Democratic 30-second ad soundbite that keeps on giving. Split screen: Joe Barton crying over BP’s treatment; 12-year-old crying while holding up a dead, oil-dripping pelican. Voice of Doom intoning: “…and these are the values of the Republican party.” Michael Steele should be resigning any time and signing on as Alvin Greene’s campaign manager.
Wow — Joe Barton’s hit a new low. What would be his alternative to — you know — getting BP to fork over money to repair the damage they’ve done? Oh right — tax cuts and tort reform.
Holy shit, psycho hippie!
[re=600679]the cold war makes me hot[/re]: I think it’s more like the Shy Tuna. Or even the Aqua Velva.
Are you suggesting that Tony Hayward is
like a cat
tied to a stick,
that’s driven into
frozen winter shit?
[re=600681]Prommie[/re]: In the old days, at least the corps had to pay thier stooges a la Joe Barton. Now you’ve got idiots (some of whom live on the Gulf Coast, fer Crissakes) spouting their propaganda not only free of charge, but at their own great personal cost. Much more of this and it’ll be Mexico & Canada putting up the fence.
Barton’s just doin what he’s paid for:
http://query.nictusa.com/cgi-bin/com_detail/C00060103/
[re=600687]SayItWithWookies[/re]: And name a few more things after Reagan, too.
Gahhh….Code Pink! They, along with every congress person from TX, are America’s biggest embarrassments!
This BP guy would not have survived in “Let there be Blood!”
What a disappointment. When I saw ‘flogging’ I was expecting a Mel Gibson-esque “Passion of the Tony.” Bummer.
[re=600700]Jumping Jim[/re]: Or “No Country for Oil Men.”
A bunch of grandstanding Reps who know next to nothing about the matter (and this goes for most of them, no matter which side they take) get to blather on making statements they don’t even bother to disguise as questions. They ramble on, making little if any sense. I have to say this even about the ones I like. From Josh Marshall:
…I would be remiss not to note my longstanding nausea at much of what goes on at this and so many other congressional hearings where members of Congress grandstand against the guy or gal sitting in the dock over the obvious and shameful wrongness of their actions, even though the member of Congress in question often wasn’t even familiar with the topic at hand until a few days before or just as often was voting more or less in support of whatever shamefully wrong action they’re talking about until something went wrong. …
[re=600693]harry palmer[/re]: They distract the pigfuckers with the proxy wars over the ten comandments, marrying homos, illegal messicans, and darkies on welfare, so as that the pigfuckers don’t notice the corporate usurpation of sovereignty. The republicans are quick to say things like “remove the boot of tyrannical government regulation from the throat of business,” but they don’t mention that they intend to reverse the roles, and put the boot of corporate hegemony on the throat of government, and the people, most particularly, the small people.
[re=600726]qwerty42[/re]: Unless your name is “Barton” at which point you just drop trow and start polishing Hayward’s knob on the spot.
[re=600734]Prommie[/re]: The corporations wear boots? I just assumed they wore bright red Prada slippers, you know, like the Pope.
I thought apologies to foreigners by American politicians were humiliating to the US?
[re=600734]Prommie[/re]: Yes, but you say “intend to reverse roles” as though this thing has not yet happened. We all just better hope the Mayans were right.
joe barton is a bottom-feeding pigfucking waste of dna and i hope his funeral is sparsely attended.
Maybe if Obama wasn’t taking bribes from BP he would have acted sooner…its either that or he was too incompetant to know how to handle this or really any other major issue. ANYONE ELSE 2012.
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