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A Children’s Treasury of Last-Minute Father’s Day Gifts

it's Father's Day and everybody's wounded.Father’s Day is this Sunday — how can you make sure that your gift to Dad wins the morning? As luck would have it, many legal Creative-Americans have beautiful shirts, stickers, and other items that will totally please your Pops. Your Wonkette found many such treasures at our favorite old retail haunt, CafePress. Let’s look at them together, shall we?

Arizona’s immigration policy is a very popular gift theme this Father’s Day, because of the new anti-Taco People law. If your dad supports los Tacos Muncheros, or is one himself, then consider getting him this KKK-inspired T-shirt:

The KKK shirt was the only pro-immigrant garment your Wonkette saw at CafePress that had any chutzpah. The most visceral and expressive designs are all anti-immigrant — racist anger seems to foster boldness and innovation. If Dad is driven by hate, he’s in luck!

For example, Dads who oppose both Obama and giant sombreros (immigrants often hide under them while they cross the border) can drink their morning cuppajoe in this Obam-igration mug, whose message will help him start his day seething with rage. Ole!:

If Dad hates illegals like he worships his gun, he can make both sentiments known with this eyecatching tee:

If your dad’s firearms aren’t enough to keep the illegals away, Sombrero Sam and his friends Arab El-Stereotype and Mustachio Jose will help him protect the Italian (?) flag with this bumper sticker:

Speaking of Italy, apparently the country’s been overrun by clumsy men in Mexi-hats, as this sticker suggests:

Seriously, stay the fuck out, Poncho Villa:

Is your dad Tim James? Then you know how excited he is about English. Get him this bumper sticker. English: it makes sense to me:

And Dad can really tell those illegals where they belong with this wearable map, drawn up by George Washington et al.:

OK, that’s enough with the ethnic hatred. Let’s talk about love. Who does Dad love? Is it Sarah Palin? Unless your dad is Todd Palin (it’s possible, he’s quite virile), he just can’t fulfill his dream of waking up every morning with Real America’s favorite Real Doll in his bed. But he can have his morning coffee with her image, with this Boobgate-y travel mug:

Is Dad a bit of a sissy? Then he will enjoy this pretty-in-pink “Palin Power” T-shirt, which doesn’t even have to do with breast cancer or anything, it’s just fey as the dickens:

This Tea Party Palin pin is perfect for Dads who are reformed hippies, or just into patriotic psychedelic art:

Wh duznt <3 @ChuckGrassley? Dad shurl-E doez, w/T-shrt:

Or maybe Dad loves Sen. Lindsey Graham more, because they store things in the same closet:

Maybe Dad has actually opened the doors of his closet and let a little bit of light in, in which case this bumper sticker might give him memories of good times:

Tom Campbell might have been Fiorina’ed out of the California U.S. Senate race, but even Dad knows that the spirit of the Demon Sheep lives on (religious gift):

Remember when America had a “real” president who was not a Bush, but an angel nonetheless? Your dad remembers those days — maybe he lost his job during them, which gave him more time to read celebrity gossip websites. Dad can help others remember how great the Reagan years were by putting this bumper sticker somewhere prominent:

Our last gift celebrates President of the Future Alvin Greene, who apparently is running on a “no problems” platform that in some ways is no less demented than Angel Reagan’s (not a Mexican name):

Hope Dad likes his cool new presents that arrive a day or three after Father’s Day! (You will probably buy him every one, if you even know who your dad was.)

About the author

Lauri works at the Chicago Reader, and also writes and makes art-pictures for Wonkette. Her creative projects—including a now-defunct blog about finding clothing in the trash and wearing it, and an exhibition of portraits of all 50 Chicago aldermen made by 50 different artists—have been featured by NBC's Today Show, the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, BUST Magazine, and other media outlets. She's written things for the Austin Chronicle, Texas Observer, In Pittsburgh Weekly, The Black Table, and other places, and taken photos for various nonprofits, bands, and publications. (She also has a law degree, for some reason.)

View all articles by Lauri Apple
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62 comments

  1. V572625694

    Should be a big-$$$ mega-click day on Wonkette if you’ve got Sarah and the word “boob” out there. By the way, that mug pretty much proves that Wonkette’s suspicions were right. I haven’t verified it, but it’s what people are saying…

  2. GuyClinch

    Uh, are you sure that Arizona KKK shirt wasn’t made in earnest? The Klan Kanyon Kommunity prolly has 501(c)3 status, for all I know

  3. ManchuCandidate

    The “Secure the Border” T-shirt just doesn’t look right unless it’s been distorted by a big belly and two manboobs of the typical angry fat guy.

  4. AnnieGetYourFun

    Is it wrong that I want the Sarah Palin travel mug? If so, I don’t want to be right.

  5. harry palmer

    You’ll never go broke catering to the seething hatred of the God and Country crowd.

  6. Geogre

    I’m not a father, but the Greene shirt seems like a good point to make to me, too.

    Even if Jon Stewart is right, and it was “fair”: DON’T VOTE, IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHO YOU’RE VOTING FOR in a primary. However, Jon Stewart is wrong: GOP dirty tricks must be criminalized, and the criminals who do them need sentences worse than O’Keefe. (Where is the outrage there? Fucking with the phone system? Oh, right: the phone system is already open to the government, and it will offer up its information to anyone.)

    I never could figure out Cafe Press. All I ever saw there was hate stuff, so I figured it was a hate site and put it in my black list.

  7. JMP

    Oh man, it’s so much hard work taking an extra second to push a button to choose your language; or just a bit, because English is still the default. Of all the bigots’ complaints, that’s got to be one of the pettiest and dumbest. Why, it’s almost like they’re really mad, not because of the minuscule extra time, but because the companies are not run by fellow racists and screwing over the immigrants.

  8. DDD

    Wait ’til they have to press “2″ for English!

    In heaven, do we all have to dress like the Wizard of Oz?

  9. Prommie

    [re=600587]harry palmer[/re]: whoop whoop whoop whoop, we have a winner, let us go to our Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations,” (yes, virginia, before Google, there were these things called “reference books”) find whoeever said that old shit about “noone ever went broke overestimating the stupidity of the american public,” cross it out, and pencil this line in its place.

  10. progressiveone

    Hmmm…wonder if Dad would carry around a Stepin’ Fetchit coffee cup, instead of the Guy-In-Sombrero one. Probably. Yowza….

    Trouble is, most of these guys really think that Mexico still has guys sleeping against adobe walls with hats over their eyes…

  11. doxastic

    Something tells me the “yours/not yours” shirt will be worn around more bitterz than Mexicans, thus making it way more hilariously accurate. This is like the “I’m with stupid” of the tea party crowd.

  12. Joshua Norton

    What are they gonna do when the original message is in Spanish and someone says “Pleeese presss ’3′ for Eeeeeglich”?

    Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do…..

  13. JackDempsey

    My kid is on the cusp of his angry young man phase.
    This Sunday I am expecting a carefully painted coffee mug which has been smashed into a million pieces with a hammer.
    An honest approach to Father’s Day eventually involves bail bonding.

  14. JMP

    [re=600592]DDD[/re]: What I want to know is, what the fuck is Reagan doing in Christian heaven, I thought the evil were supposed to be in Hell.

  15. Mild Midwesterner

    I’d like to see Greene tackle deficit issues just by repeating “mo money, mo problems” over and over again. God knows it would be a more coherent argument than most of what we hear.

  16. Spike

    Regardless of the message, I am amazed that somebody, someplace things that Greene shirt – with its black on red and blue background text – is in any way acceptable graphic design.

  17. jimmynail

    Can we assume that all the mexican-hatin’ novelty gifts that *don’t* feature a little “MADE IN THE USA” stamp were, in fact, made in, uh, Mexico? Meaning there’s a whole maquialdorafull of non-unionised wage-slaves sitting glumly somewhere outside Ciudad Juarez, just cold sewing up those “yours/not yours” t-shirts?

    Man, they must be pissed.

  18. harry palmer

    [re=600595]Prommie[/re]: My mind was boggling at the sheer depths of the sociopathy, so sorry to be tedious.

  19. Katydid

    [re=600590]Geogre[/re]:
    I never could figure out Cafe Press. All I ever saw there was hate stuff, so I figured it was a hate site and put it in my black list.

    I think it’s just a retarded site. They have a bunch of awful “gay pride” t-shirts and chachkes too. They’ll sell anything, apparently.

  20. The Toot

    That “mas” needs an accent, mouthbreathers.

    Also, as written it reads “in the but illegals” in Portuguese.

  21. Franklin Pierce & Pierce

    [re=600595]Prommie[/re]: H.L. Mencken. My favorite quote of his, however was, “Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.”

    Sorry, ladies!

  22. mumblyjoe

    I’m kinda confused by the whole “presione ‘uno’ para Inglés” bumper sticker or whatever the hell it is. Why are teabaggers so angry that businesses want to also have non-english-speaking customers, for the extra Ameros? Why do they hate free enterprise so much?

    Oh, wait. It’s because they’re a buncha fascists. Silly me. Forget I even asked that question, with such an obvious answer.

  23. Ducksworthy

    [re=600591]JMP[/re]: Oddly, it doesn’t seem to bother them that when someone answers their call that person is in Bangalore. Or maybe it just that they can’t believe that someone in India speaks better English than they do.

  24. PabaBritannica

    So want that Lindsey Graham shirt, but only as long as I don’t ever wear it in or near South Carolina.

    Does Cafe Press allow you to buy discontinued designs? I want some George Allen 2008 merch.

  25. Princess Sparkle Pony

    Will somebody please buy me that “I Heart Chuck Grassley” shirt? Thanks!

  26. Terry

    [re=600601]JackDempsey[/re]:

    Get him to video tape his breaking of the cup, then he can submit it as an example of performance art with his college application.

  27. mumblyjoe

    [re=600592]DDD[/re]: No, it’s just that Ronnie, the patron Saint of Teabagging, is always cosplaying as a slave-owner in heaven, as a result.

    Or, it’s just because of the dementia.

  28. Geogre

    [re=600606]jimmynail[/re]: I was at South of the Border, in Dillon, South Carolina, once on a trip down I-95, late on Thanksgiving Eve.

    (It was open!)

    There were three very young, attractive Spanish speaking female tourists wandering through the “Pedro feex some day” dolls, and one said, in Spanish, “They think this is what we’re like?!”

    Ah, culture. We should get some some day.

  29. SayItWithWookies

    [re=600683]mumblyjoe[/re]: Only in Teabagistan will you see pictures of Ronnie dressed as Simon Legree and sporting a halo. The same motif should be available on a special collector’s edition ™ plate that can be proudly displayed next to one’s set of plaster praying hands.

  30. Geogre

    [re=600610]Katydid[/re]: So, it’s… what… eBay for the home silk screen crowd?

    With “in demand now” buttons representing the editorial opinion of FoxNews or something? Or is it just that “Top Sellers” represents what those who believe in vehicular ideology believe most?

  31. maven

    [re=600616]The Toot[/re]: Todos os português, que vivem em terras Merikan, construindo a indústria vinícola da Califórnia, darned imigrantes! Ship em back! ;)

  32. mumblyjoe

    [re=600730]SayItWithWookies[/re]: You’ll note I never said whose dementia it was at work there.

  33. Long Form Def Certificate

    That Tea Party Storm logo is a bit… psychedelic.

    Who’s drinking the (electric) Kool-Aid, now?

  34. Gumboz1953

    I think the Reagan one is pretty funny. He’d probably like to slap all of these so-called Republicans upside the head.

    “Tea party? What kind of namby-pamby pussies have you turned into?”

  35. RUSpurious

    JMP: Reagan and Liberace are sharing a closet. That’s what he’s doing in Heaven.

  36. gertrudis

    [re=600606]jimmynail[/re]: The real joke is when the lye they’re adding to the T-shirts starts to burn the wearer’s skin.
    [re=601021]RUSpurious[/re]: Win!

  37. PickneyPinchback

    I am offended by the MS Paint thing with the map of the U.S. saying “Ours” and Mexico saying “Yours.” This only encourages the Taco People that they have some sort of a right to a sovereign nation. EVERYTHING belongs to the U.S.

  38. scarebaby

    As a thoroughly humiliated (after reading some of these comments) Cafepress “shopkeeper”, I have to say some of you guys are hilarious! But I also want to remind you that not everything on Cafepress is hate merchandise; in fact, there are some pretty good progressive and liberal designs available. Yes, Cafepress will sell pretty much anything (and you’d be surprised at what some people buy). They will review designs and remove them if they fall under the aegis of hate speech, but the case has to be strong.

    That said, would anyone buy an Alvin Greene for President t-shirt if I put one in my shop? I can’t decide if it’s funny or crass.

  39. billcostley

    In my grandad’s day (pre-WW1) being a Glaswegian w/outpapers was normal in Boston – until the Palmer Raids.

  40. Ryano

    KKK funds the Democratic Party. Their ties to the DNC run long and Deep. Care Press is the shiznit though. Whether you’re a backwoods Black hating California Democrat or a Civil Rights for All Republican, there’s stuff there for all.

  41. ZombieRichardFeynman

    [re=600601]JackDempsey[/re]: A few wrecked cars and the occasional felony charge is nothing. Try raising 2 girls through the teen years if you want to experience the real desire for suicide.

Comments are closed.